The REAL Reason Why Jesus Was Crucified

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As anyone born on Christmas or anywhere close to the holiday can attest to, their birthday sucks! Why? Because you don’t get two presents: one for your birthday, one for Christmas. Instead, you only get one, serving as both your birthday and Christmas gifts. Exacerbating the problem, it’s never a big expensive gift.

A radical Christian group hailing from Philadelphia calling themselves Jeez (abbreviation of Jesus) is looking to re-write the bible. Jeez consists of members who were born on December 20-27th. According to Jeez, Jesus wasn’t crucified because he made the Jews unhappy, but because his birthday was on Christmas. Or, as it was known in those days, The Christian Festival. Furthermore, they also made the startling announcement that Jesus had siblings … and they’re the ones who actually killed him. Here’s what they told us:

Jesus had 2 sisters and 1 brother. Their birthdays were in March, June, and July. Mary and Joseph were very poor and they couldn’t afford to buy Jesus a separate birthday present from his festival one, so they opted to not make him jealous of the birthdays of his siblings by just celebrating all their birthdays on the same day – the day of the festival. This angered his brother and sisters so much, they had to get rid of him so they could have a birthday present separate from the feast. And, that’s how the crucifixion of Christ came about.

Jeez is publishing an e-bible tomorrow morning entitled The Real Reason Why Jesus Was Crucified in which they go into further detail regarding this new revelation. According to Amazon, just over 250,000 copies have already been pre-ordered.

Built on top of:
Conversations with people who have birthdays near Christmas

What do you think of Jeez’s theory?

Why Companies Should Use “Fire” Over “Terminate” When Letting Employees Go

FADE IN

INT. YOUR COMPANY – AFTERNOON

EMPLOYEE

Hey, Charles, is Amber okay? I haven’t seen her around in 2 weeks.

SUPERVISOR (CHARLES)

Did she mean something to you? I never seen y’all two …

EMPLOYEE

… talk? Yeah, I mean, we never had a conversation, but she always caught my eye. I’m just curious.

SUPERVISOR

She was terminated.

EMPLOYEE

(surprisingly)

Oh my God! Seriously? By who?

SUPERVISOR

Us.

EMPLOYEE

What, what do you mean by us?

SUPERVISOR

US, the company.

EMPLOYEE

Who in the company?

SUPERVISOR

Me. Frank wanted to do it, but I had to be the one to handle it. This was personal.

EMPLOYEE

And you’re just gonna … confess to me like that?

SUPERVISOR

I terminate people all the time, man [giggles]. It’s no big deal. It’s life!

EMPLOYEE

All, all the time? What?! What did Amber do? She wouldn’t drop the box cutter?

SUPERVISOR

Too many tardies.

The employee flashbacks to last week when they was called in the office to discuss their own attendance for the past 5 weeks: tardies and absences. The words, “Start making it on time or else,” from the company’s representative, echoes in the employee’s head.

EMPLOYEE

(mumbles)

Terminate is or else?

THE NEXT DAY …

INT. YOUR COMPANY – MORNING

A car pulls up on the company’s lot, breaking the 5 MPH speed limit, double parks. Someone jumps out the car and runs into the building. It’s the employee. The supervisor waits at the clock where workers swipe their badge. 

SUPERVISOR

Well, well, well … you’re one minute late!

EMPLOYEE

(rapidly)

That turn signal light changes so fast. It was 3 cars ahead of me. ‘Bout time it was my turn it changed to red. I was sitting there for like 7 minutes.

SUPERVISOR

No more excuses! [puts hand inside jacket]

EMPLOYEE

He got a gun! [knocks out supervisor with punch]

All 42 employees in earshot of “He got a gun!” scream and run towards the exit, trampling the supervisor in the process. While the supervisor’s motionless body lies on the ground, a pink slip waving in the air falls on his face. 

FADE TO BLACK

 

Taxi Driver Collateral: Travis Bickle Meets Vincent The Hitman

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. TRAVIS APARTMENT – MORNING

Tuesday, December 2, 2014, 7:15AM

TRAVIS

(phone rings) Hello.

FRIEND

Hey Travis! My car won’t start.

TRAVIS

[sighs]

Okay, well, I can’t afford to miss another day of work, so I’ll call a cab.

FRIEND

I still should be able to pick you up. I’m getting a boost off at 9.

TRAVIS

Cool.

40 minutes later …

INT. COMPANY’S HEADQUARTERS/CAB  – MORNING

CAB DISPATCHER

(phone rings) Hello.

TAXI DRIVER

Hey, Miss Carol, I got a problem with a customer …

CAB DISPATCHER

[giggles] Why are you wasting your time arguing with him?

TAXI DRIVER

We passed that. He’s paying with debit. When he tries to get his receipt the monitor in the back says “Printer not connected”  but the monitor up front says it is. He already swiped his card twice. I don’t wanna make him do it again.

CAB DISPATCHER

[indistinct chatter]

TAXI DRIVER

She said just call up there around 9 when the cashier is there and she can email you a receipt.

TRAVIS

[sighs] Aight.

CAB DRIVER

Sure you don’t won’t me to drop you off at work?

TRAVIS

Nah, I’ll walk the rest of the way.

Travis gets out the cab and starts walking.

CAB DISPATCHER

You didn’t drop him off at work?

CAB DRIVER

Nah, he told me to just stop the car and let him out.

CAB DISPATCHER

 He mad or nah? [giggles]

CAB DRIVER

Hey don’t put me in for no calls for the next 30 minutes I need to run an errand.

Scene ends with Travis walking.

INT. FRIEND’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Tuesday, December 2, 2014, 3:30PM

TRAVIS

Let me see your phone.

FRIEND

[passes phone]

BANK OF AMERICA

[automate system]

As of December 2nd 2014, your available balance is $125.07.

FRIEND

Why you looking like that for?

TRAVIS

I got $125.07 on my card.

FRIEND

So?

TRAVIS

I suppose to have $315. That taxi company overcharged $38 5 times. And he … did it on purpose!

FRIEND

He? On purpose?

TRAVIS

The cab driver … for our argument and for him not getting more money. I gave him the address to Taco Bell.

FRIEND

I thought you was going to work?

TRAVIS

The McDonald’s next to it. I wanted to eat breakfast first.

TRAVIS

When I got in the car, I said we gone hit the express way. He said, “Where you think I was going?” His tone made me feel like he thought I was being condescending. He had a bad attitude. We was already driving at this point and I didn’t want to be late trying to catch another cab. I noticed he had his phone in his lap so I assumed he was on Google Maps. When we missed my exit, I said, “Where you going?” He got loud and said, “Look! I can’t read your mind!” and start accusing me of creating an argument because I didn’t wanna pay.

FRIEND

Whet?!

TRAVIS

I just told him to stop the car and let me out. Luckily, at this point, I was 20 minutes from my job walking. Then the cherry on the cake was when the printer wouldn’t give me my receipt. I swiped twice so I don’t understand how I got charged 5 times. The fare was actually 42 dollars but he said I only had to pay 38. But a 190 dollars is off my fucking card. He got me!

INT. COMPANY’S HEADQUARTERS/TRAVIS APARTMENT – DAY

Wednesday, December 3, 2014, 7:30AM

RUTHIE

[phone rings] Hello

TRAVIS

Hey, I talked to you yesterday about an overcharge

RUTHIE

I remember your voice.

TRAVIS

You said the system charged me twice. But I was charged 5 times. 190 dollars.

RUTHIE

We only show two transactions.

TRAVIS

And I show 5. I had $315 in my account before this. My bank can fax y’all the screenshot!

RUTHIE

They can do that, but we can’t refund money that we don’t see on our end. The system only shows 2 transactions. We refunded one of them back to you and only charged you for the $38 you was suppose to pay.

TRAVIS

I need my money back! That’s my rent money! That’s all I have!

RUTHIE

Our system only shows 2 transactions. One in which you were suppose to pay and one in which was refunded back to you. I don’t see these other 3 charges. Did you give the driver your card?

TRAVIS

No, I had it in my hand the whole time. I swiped it both times.

RUTHIE

I don’t know what to tell you. Call your bank.

INT. TRAVIS APARTMENT – MORNING

Thursday, December 4, 2014, 8:00AM

BOA

We can’t do nothing about pending charges. You gotta let them post or fall off.

TRAVIS

The charges have been pending since Tuesday!!!

BOA

If they post we can then file a dispute claim. It usually take 3 business days for them to fall off. But there is a way you can get your money back same day.

TRAVIS

How???

BOA

Have them fax us a letter head with your name, card number, the total cost of the transactions and that they are gonna release them. And have them sign it.

TRAVIS

[sighs]

They’re not gonna do that! They only see 2 charges on their system. Okay, this happened on Tuesday. The charges are still pending. Look! My rent is due tomorrow! That’s all the money I have! If I don’t get my refund soon I will be evicted. When will they post or fall off?!?!

BOA

3 business days. This happened on Tuesday, so, Friday.

TRAVIS

Tomorrow.

INT. TRAVIS APARTMENT – MORNING

Friday, December 5, 2014, 6:37AM

TRAVIS

[dials numbers]

BOA

[automate system]

As of December 5, 2014, your available balance is $163.07

TRAVIS

Whet?! [hangs up]

INT. FRIEND’S CAR – MORNING

FRIEND

What’s wrong?

TRAVIS

Do you have $152 I can borrow until next week?

FRIEND

I’m broke my self, but I’ll see what I can do. Try not letting this affect your work.

INT. TACO BELL – NOON

Travis stares at his Frito Burrito and thinks about being evicted and moving back in with his mom.

CO-WORKER

You’ve been quiet all day today. I thought when we got to lunch I would at least hear some lip smacking but you’re not even eating. What’s wrong, dear?

TRAVIS

… nothing!

INT. FRIEND’S CAR – EVENING

TRAVIS

So?

FRIEND

No luck! I’m sorry!

TRAVIS

[sighs] Let me see your phone. Mines dead. Wish me luck! [dials numbers]

FRIEND

Who you calling?

BOA

As of December 5, 2014 your available balance is $315.07

TRAVIS

YESSSS!

INT. RIVERVIEW DRIVE – EVENING

The taxi driver walks up to his apartment unit and sees a eviction notice on his door.

INT. 308 EVES PLACE LEASING OFFICE – EVENING

ADRIAN

Hi Travis. What can I do for you?

TRAVIS

Pay rent …

ADRIAN

Here’s your receipt. Anything else I can do for you?

TRAVIS

Yeah, and this is for next month’s rent.

ADRIAN

I see they paying you well. Maybe I should work over there? [giggles]

Travis smirks and the scene transitions into what happened December 2nd after the taxi driver and Travis departed. 18 minutes into Travis walk he spots the taxi driver getting back into his cab and pulling off a lot (remember that errand he had to run?). Travis walks on the lot, pulls out a key and unlocks the door. The door to the leasing office in the apartment complex where the taxi driver lives. Travis works there. The scene ends with Travis picking up the money order the taxi driver slipped under the door.

FADE TO BLACK 

Awakening

To: Cj 31

My dearest Cj 31, You are closer to me now than when we first met. I can see you picking up the pieces from the past three years of your life. You have seen some dark days; days I could not prepare you for. And you felt pain that cut deep to the core of your soul. I heard your screams from nine years away. And during that time you blocked me out – trapped in the darkness of your experiences. I watched you sleep-walking through your days. I watched you at nights when you twisted in your sleep – disturbed by dark memories of the past that your mind replayed. And I watched, always frustrated that I cannot tell you if nine years from now you will be just fine. So I waited. I tapped on your shoulders and you shuffled. I tapped again and you answered. I was so happy that you finally responded to me so that I could let you know that:

Life teaches us…because you will never be able to put the broken pieces together again you must cleanbroken glass up and move on. Remember that the cleaning up process is different every time. Don’t compare one process to the next. It keeps you stuck. Sometimes you will get out of the situation unscathed. Other times – you will feel great pain; the sharp edges of the glass will cut you deep or the splinters will penetrate your flesh and you will bleed. This is not a reason to leave the  broken parts of your life untouched because it is only through cleaning up that you will learn the techniques of removing the splinters (the source of your pain). In time you will. 

Heal.

Cj 31, I see you picking up the pieces. I am still frustrated that I cannot disclose whether I am now proudAwakening of you. But I want you to know that I see you picking up the broken pieces. I see you.

Awakening.

 

Futuristically yours,

Cj40.

 

The Hopeless Itch

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

CRAIG

[takes bag out of freezer, puts food in pan, places pan in oven] I wish I had some noodles to go with these Steak Fingers.

[text notification]

CRAIG (CONT’D)

(mumble)

“I miss fighting with you too.”

Craig frowns and calls the number.

HOPE

Hello.

CRAIG

It’s been 3 weeks!

HOPE

Ugh.

CRAIG

You must be bored?

HOPE

[laughs] How’d you know?

CRAIG

Find some other guy to use for entertainment, okay.

HOPE

No, seriously, I wrote a reply the next day, but I forgot to press the send button.

CRAIG

How you forget to do something as natural as that?

HOPE

I was hesitant about letting you know I missed you back. I was still upset at that about that “What’s up my ass” text after I texted you what’s up when I woke up. I didn’t respond to your earlier texts that day because I was sleep. And I was just sitting here bored, and you crossed my mind. I was wondering why you haven’t bothered me in a while then I looked at our texts and saw the text I sent you today still saved in a draft.

CRAIG

I don’t believe you!

 HOPE

So, you don’t wanna be my friend?

CRAIG

Whatever!

HOPE

What you doing?

CRAIG

Cooking, but I’m thinking about turning off this oven and ordering a pizza.

HOPE

You gone invite your friend over?

CRAIG

Seriously?

HOPE

Yeah, we been talking for months and haven’t met yet. You flaked me out twice.

CRAIG

I did not flake you out either time. The first time I …

HOPE

Let’s forget the past. Let’s have a meet and greet. I haven’t eaten in all day and I’m starving.

CRAIG

(reluctantly)

Okay!

HOPE

What kind you getting?

CRAIG

Papa John’s.

HOPE

Oooh, my favorite.

CRAIG

What toppings you want?

HOPE

It don’t matter. Long as it don’t have nuts on it. I’m allergic.

CRAIG

I’m getting one called John’s Favorite. It got sausage, pepperoni, and 6 different cheeses.

HOPE

That sounds good to me!

CRAIG

Well, I need to clean up and take a shower.

HOPE

We ain’t finna fuck!

CRAIG

Wheet?! Umm … what does me taking a shower have to do with sex??? I been working all day and haven’t taken one since I been home.

HOPE

Well, I’m not gone get ready.

CRAIG

Umm … why?

HOPE

Until I know it’s real.

CRAIG

What’s real?

HOPE

Us meeting. I mean, you flaked me out twice.

CRAIG

I did not …

HOPE

Let’s not talk about the past!

CRAIG

How you gone know it’s real?

HOPE

When you text me your address?

CRAIG

Okay, I’ll be ready in 30 minutes.

Craig and Hope hang up. Craig takes a shower. As he is cleaning the toilet, he thinks about Hope’s shower sex comment and becomes intensely offended.

CRAIG

[sends Hope text saying, “I don’t wanna fuck you. I’m not even attracted to you.”]

HOPE

[sends a reply saying, “K.”]

As Craig is continuing to clean the toilet, the single letter reply text Hope sent starts bothering him intensely.

CRAIG

[calls Hope]

HOPE

Hello.

CRAIG

Look! Our first meeting should be in the day time and in public. Not 10:30 at night at my house. Because I don’t want you thinking I’m trying to fuck you!

HOPE

Craig, it was a joke!

CRAIG

Was it?

HOPE

Yesss. You need to loosen up. I know you’re not attracted to me. You remind me all the time. [laughs]

CRAIG

I still think we should meet in public, when the sun is out. This is short notice for me. I hate not having a plan.

HOPE

You know I’m a Gemini, right?

CRAIG

So am I.

HOPE

So you should know I’m not gone let you keep flaking me out and being cool about it.

CRAIG

(sighs)

Just grab a piece of paper and a pen so you can write down my address.

25 minutes later 

EXT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

When Hope gets out her car Craig hugs her for 30 seconds. 

CRAIG

Let me show you some of our amenities. That’s how pool.

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

CRAIG

You know what a laundry room looks like. But I ought to show you the FIXED washers and dryers in there.

HOPE

Finally! I remember you telling me about that.

CRAIG

Here’s our gym. I will be in here tomorrow after eating this Papa Johns.

HOPE

[laughs]

INT. STUDY ROOM – NIGHT

CRAIG

And here’s our study room. They just added this room. It’s mostly for parents to get away from their kids so they can study for school. This where we gone wait on our pizza at. Just talk before we go up to my apartment.

Hope puts her belongings on the first table near the entrance.

CRAIG

Oh no! We gone sit here at this table in the corner.

HOPE

Your pictures don’t do you justice.

CRAIG

What do you mean?

HOPE

You look better in person.

CRAIG

You saying my photography skills are bad?

HOPE

No, just some people aren’t picture perfect.

CRAIG

That’s my first time hearing that. I must say you are taller than I expected and don’t take this the wrong way but look like a mature 40-year-old woman.

HOPE

I’m 27 and it’s the glasses I got on. I’m blind. I can’t see with my peripherals. On the way … [jumps up and screams]

CRAIG

What’s wrong?

HOPE

A bug fell in my hair. [removes hairband and shakes braids]

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

CRAIG

Before we go in, I just wanna hug you again.

HOPE

Umm, okay.

CRAIG

I just want you to feel loved.

HOPE

Loved?

CRAIG

Yeah, because of that unattractive stuff. You look better in person too. And also because we haven’t really got along since we met. [laughs]

HOPE

You got that right.

Craig hugs Hope for 15 seconds, rubbing her arms and upper back.

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

CRAIG

You ready to eat some pizza?

HOPE

Yes, I am starving. I almost ate a turkey sandwich because I thought you was gone flake on me. But I had some hope in you.

CRAIG

I love your name … NO! NO! NO! Those 4 are your slices.

HOPE

[laughs] You act like we got half and half different toppings. It’s all the same.

CRAIG

Yeah, I know, but I had them cut it and designate which ones was mines and which ones was yours.

HOPE

Okay, cool.

An hour passes. 

CRAIG

You been scratching all night. You okay?

HOPE

I’m itching. My arms and my nose. Is it red?

CRAIG

Yeah it is. I apologize. I was cleaning up before you got here. I only got to the toilet. Although, I knew you wasn’t gone take a bath over here I was cleaning the tub too. There’s still dirty dishes in the sink. Could it be dust?

HOPE

I don’t know. Maybe I’m allergic to you. [laughs]

CRAIG

[laughs] This is embarrassing. I wanted to have my apartment clean before you got here.

HOPE

It’s okay because when I’m a slob. When I lived by myself I had stuff everywhere. I won’t wash my panties and bras until I’m down to the last one.

CRAIG

I just wanted everything to be so presentable for you.

HOPE

It’s okay. You’re a bachelor. I don’t know what it is. The only thing I’m allergic to is nuts and the pizza doesn’t have any.

CRAIG

Of course, not!

HOPE

Well, I’m getting tired.

CRAIG

You want your other 3 slices of pizza.

HOPE

Nah.

CRAIG

Sure? You only ate one slice. You gone be hungry on your lunch-break at work.

HOPE

I don’t think I’m going. I’m starting to get a stomach ache.

CRAIG

Well, let me walk you down.

EXT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

HOPE

Well I’m happy I finally got to meet you!

CRAIG

Me too! Give me a hug!

Craig and Hope hug, with Craig picking Hope up off her feet squeezing her.

CRAIG

Okay, you go this way to get out of here. I’ll meet you at the gate.

Craig walks over to the exit while Hope drives around the apartment complex to leave. When she meets him there she stops the car to say parting words.

CRAIG

You made it! Well it was nice …

Another car pulls in and Hope pulls Craig closer to her car through the driver side.

HOPE

You almost got hit by a car!

CRAIG

Oh, I thought you was giving me another hug.

HOPE

Nah. I was saving your life. [laughs]

CRAIG

Text me when you get home so I know you made it there safely.

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT- NIGHT

The camera shows a closed elevator door. A manic cackle is heard in the background. As the number above the elevator door go from 1 to 10 the laughter becomes louder. When the number reaches 11 the doors open. Craig is on his knees. As Craig is crawling to his apartment door, which he is unable to find because he can’t see due to the tears in his eyes from laughing, the scene cuts to a sequence of events that happened just moments before Craig and Hope met: Craig placing a roach on the wall in the study room; Craig rubbing itching powder on the sleeves of his jacket; Craig sprinkling small nuts on 4 slices of pizza before re-entering the study room with Hope.

FADE TO BLACK

Buy 1, Get 1 Free Milkshake At Chik-Fil-A

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. CHIK-FIL-A – DAY

EMPLOYEE

May I help the next person in line?

CUSTOMER

Hey.

EMPLOYEE

How are you doing today, sir?

CUSTOMER

Great.

EMPLOYEE

What can I get for you today?

CUSTOMER

I want 3 Chik-fil-A burgers …

EMPLOYEE

What?

CUSTOMER

3 Chik-Fil-A burgers …

EMPLOYEE

Who?

CUSTOMER

Huh?

EMPLOYEE

I’m sorry, sir, I’m having difficulty understanding you. Would you mind repeating your order?

CUSTOMER

I. Said. I. Want. Three. Chik. Fil. A. Burgers.

EMPLOYEE

Burgers? What are those?

CUSTOMER

Am I in Taco Bell or something? It’s right there on the menu … the Chik-Fil-A sandwich!

EMPLOYEE

Sandwichessss … there you go! Will that complete your order?

CUSTOMER

No. I also want a large fry. Aaannnddd gimme a large chocolate milkshake.

EMPLOYEE

How about I just get you the Chik-Fil-A combo and substitute the drink for that milkshake. It’ll be $1.60 more. Then add 2 Chik-Fil-A sandwichessss to your order. That way you’ll save some money compared to ordering those items individually. Is that fine?

CUSTOMER

That’s fine.

EMPLOYEE

Can I get a name for the order?

CUSTOMER

Atheist.

EMPLOYEE

But ….

CUSTOMER

Don’t start with me!

EMPLOYEE

Coming right up.

45 seconds later

EMPLOYEE

Order for At. At.

CUSTOMER

You funny, you know that!

EMPLOYEE

[Smiles]

CUSTOMER

Where’s my milkshake?

EMPLOYEE

They’re making it now. Did you want whip cream and a cherry?

CUSTOMER

Additional charge?

EMPLOYEE

No, sir.

CUSTOMER

Yeah.

EMPLOYEE

Here’s your milkshake, At.

CUSTOMER

What kind of milkshake is this?

EMPLOYEE

Hmm … it looks like … chocolate.

CUSTOMER

No, I asked for the cookies and cream one.

EMPLOYEE

Oh, okay, no worries, we’ll fix you another one. Would you like this one anyway? Because we’re gonna throw it away.

CUSTOMER

[Smiles]

FADE TO BLACK

The Vending Machine Refund Hack

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2014

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* Damn, 65 cents for a small bag of chips? Am I paying more because they’re baked? Forget it, I’m hungry. [inserts dollar in vending machine] Where’s my change?

Some guy walks into break room. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

Pardon me.

SOME GUY

Hey.

EMPLOYEE

Where do you report lost money in the vending machine?

SOME GUY

To security, and they’ll give you your money right back.

EMPLOYEE

Okay, thanks.

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I lost some money in the machine. What do I do?

SECURITY

[grabs small piece of paper] You fill out this form with your name, how much you lost, what type of item it was.

EMPLOYEE

What about where it say vending machine serial number?

SECURITY

Don’t worry about that.

Employee fills out form. 

EMPLOYEE

Okay, I’m done. What do I do with it?

SECURITY

Leave it here at the desk. We’ll give it to the vending machine man.

EMPLOYEE

Will I get my money back today?

SECURITY

The vending machine man won’t be back until Monday.

EMPLOYEE

[rubs ear]

INT. COMPANY NAME  – MORNING

NOVEMBER 17, 2014

EMPLOYEE

[walks into break room] Hey, I lost money in the vending machine Friday. I filled out a form and left it with security.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

They haven’t given me anything.

EMPLOYEE

They haven’t?

VENDING MACHINE MAN

No.

Employee walks to security station.

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I filled out a form Friday, reporting lost money in the vending machine.

SECURITY

Let’s see. [grabs small piece of paper] Is this yours?

EMPLOYEE

Yeah. *thinks to self* Why they didn’t give it to the vending machine man when he came in this morning?

SECURITY

You take it to HR.

EMPLOYEE

Now you take it to HR?

SECURITY

Yeah, they’ll give you your money back.

Employee walks to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

Yes, how may I help you?

EMPLOYEE

I lost some money in the vending machine. I filled out this form at security. They told me HR gives us our money back.

HR

That’s not *insert Company name* vending machine. The vending machine company handles that. They give us a certain amount of money a week to reimburse people who lost their money. I don’t have any today.

INT. COMPANY NAME  – MORNING

NOVEMBER 18, 2014

Employee walks to HR office and knock on door.

EMPLOYEE

Hey …

HR

I don’t have any money today.

EMPLOYEE

[sigh]

INT. COMPANY NAME – MORNING

NOVEMBER 19, 2014

Employee comes to work and overhears an co-worker talking to the vending machine man in passing.

CO-WORKER

I lost three-fifty in that machine yesterday, sir.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

Employee walks to HR office and knocks on door. 

EMPLOYEE

Has the …

HR

No money today.

Employee walks fast back to break room. 

EMPLOYEE

Argh. He’s gone!

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

NOVEMBER 20, 2014

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I need to fill out a lost money in the vending machine form.

SECURITY

When did you lose it?

EMPLOYEE

Last Friday.

SECURITY

Why you just now filling out one?

EMPLOYEE

I filled out one Friday and brought it everyday. HR never had money. I forgot and left it home today.

SECURITY

Here you go. [hands over form]

Employee fills out name, date, how much was lost, type of food, etc. The employee walks to HR and as their knuckles were about to knock on the door, they freeze. The employee walks to the break room, looking at all the vending machines. He stops at the machine that sells microwavable food. The camera shows the employee’s POV: It shows the machine accepts 1’s and 5’s and that a cup of noodles is $1.50. The employee looks up to the right and sees a flashback of their co-worker telling the vending machine man they lost $3.50.

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* I never told HR or the vending machine man how much I lost. Security didn’t even look at my form. How crazy would I look putting up all this fuss for a week all for 35 cents? I need to be reimbursed for my money and my time for waiting. Let me move this dot over and put a zero here. Just incase they ask, let me have my story straight: I put $5 in here for a cup of noodles.

Employee walks back to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

[opens door] I got money today.

EMPLOYEE

[hands form]

HR

$3.50 … hmmm … well … I don’t have any change. They only gave me ones. I guess you’re gonna get four dollars. A 50 cent profit. [laughs]

EMPLOYEE

[laughs] Why, thank you!

HR

You’re welcome. Until next time.

EMPLOYEE

I can’t wait …

Employee closes HR door back up. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

… until the vending machines start accepting 100’s.

FADE TO BLACK

Wal-Mart Door Greeter Says “Fuck You Too!”

Based on true story

FADE IN

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

CUSTOMER

[approaches Wal-Mart entrance]

DOOR GREETER

Here ya go. [pushes grocery basket to customer]

CUSTOMER

[moves door greeter’s basket out the way; grabs own basket]

DOOR GREETER

Fuck you, too!

CUSTOMER

Nah, fuck you! Don’t push no damn basket at me! Old ass *censored* working at Wal-Mart. Where your ambition at? HUH?!

INT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer shops for food then goes to Deli section to order some Ranch Chicken and Jalapeno bombers. Cook takes too long to come to front and take order. Customer sees grandma entering. 

CUSTOMER

I’m about to come out. This the last thing I’m about to get.

GRANDMA

It’s okay. I need to get a few things anyway.

CUSTOMER

Where you get your basket?

GRANDMA

Just on the outside.

CUSTOMER

Did you see an old man out there?

GRANDMA

Yeah, it’s two guys out there.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, one of them said “fuck you” to me ’cause I wouldn’t take the basket he pushed at me.

GRANDMA

Watch your mouth!

CUSTOMER

That’s all you heard, grandma?

COOK

Yes sir, what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER

I’ll be right back. I need to go handle something.

COOK

Sure?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I’ll be right back.

Customer finds supervisor and reports what happened at the entrance. 

SUPERVISOR

What he look like?

CUSTOMER

Older; dark-skin; had on one of those blue vest; a beanie on his head.

SUPERVISOR

Had on a Wal-Mart vest?

CUSTOMER

Um, yeah. *thinks to self* I think I saw blue?

SUPERVISOR

Did you see his name on his vest?

CUSTOMER

No. *thinks to self* Why didn’t I wear my glasses today? Ugh!

SUPERVISOR

Let me go see who you’re talking about. Wait here.

Supervisor walks to entrance and comes back 5 minutes later. 

SUPERVISOR

I didn’t see who you were talking about.

CUSTOMER

He probably moved now. This happened about 15-18 minutes ago. I shopped first. Do y’all got cameras outside where y’all store the baskets at?

SUPERVISOR

Yeah, we can see you from all the way down the street, up the block and around the corner. I’ll be back. Wait here.

20 minutes later the supervisor communicates with a team leader who is standing with the customer.

 TEAM LEADER

She said which entrance you came in at: The home depot side or the food side?

CUSTOMER

 The food.

17 minutes later the supervisor buzzes in again. 

TEAM LEADER

She said what are you wearing.

CUSTOMER

Black jacket. Black jeans. Green polo. I’m light-skin.

Some old man wearing dark clothing and a beanie walks behind the customer service counter. 

CUSTOMER (CONT’D)

Who’s that?

TEAM LEADER

He works in automotive.

CUSTOMER

*thinks to self* Is that him? I can’t tell. Dammit, why didn’t I bring my glasses?! Let me stare at him and see if he stares back then I’ll know. He’s not looking this way! He just went into the back. Shit!

33 minutes later the supervisor communicates through the team leader. 

TEAM LEADER

She said how long ago this happened.

CUSTOMER

About 18 minutes ago. Well, nah, ’cause I been waiting right here for a minute so …

TEAM LEADER

19 minutes.

CUSTOMER

*jaw drops*

11 minutes pass.

CUSTOMER

Hey, I’ma go ahead and pay for my food.

TEAM LEADER

Okay. When you’re done, come back and wait right here.

CUSTOMER

[sadly]

Okayyyyyyy.

20 minutes later a security guard comes out. 

SECURITY

Hi sir. I’m Chris, the head security guard at Wal-Mart. The supervisor sent me out here to get an re-enactment of what happened.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, so,  I came in right here …

SECURITY

Did you pay for these groceries?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I did. *thinks to self* They wouldn’t have bags on them if I didn’t pay for ‘em, you idiot you!

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer re-enacts incident for security guard. 

CUSTOMER

And that’s how it all went down.

SECURITY

Yeahhhhh, we don’t have cameras out here. Sorry!

CUSTOMER

Whaaa … but the lady said she can see me down the … up the … around the … umm I’m going home!

Customer pushes grocery basket to truck in an hurry.

CUSTOMER

Sorry about that. They was doing all this investigating, and had me waiting and stuff.

GRANDMA

What happened?

CUSTOMER

My ice cream melted.

FADE TO BLACK

Company Makes Employees Do Jumping Jacks After Deadly Gas Hospitalizes Supervisor

Homemade Catfish and Homemade Arby's curly fries

I cooked all this. I ate all this. But I didn’t wanna wash them dishes tho!

 

At the start of the A and B shifts at Williams-Sonoma, there’s a meeting. The manager goes over the numbers from yesterday and today, parking, housekeeping, and reminding employees not to take a second 15 minute break. At the end of the meeting, the manager calls on a volunteer to lead the stretches before work.

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Because of carpal tunnel and standing up for 10 hours, throughout the day employees stretch more.

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Sometimes employees have fun at work by challenging co-workers to a folding contest of robes, sheets, or towels. The loser has to “drop down and gimme 50.”

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Because jumping jacks is reserved for one thing at Williams-Sonoma. And one thing only: To warn an approaching co-worker of walking into a deadly fart.

I heard a bubbling sound in my stomach. It traveled to my ass. I had a bubble butt. The restroom is on the other side of the warehouse. I thought it was a waste of time to walk 70 feet to fart unless I had to pee too.  I had to make sure no one was around. I didn’t know if it was gone be silent or saying BURNT out-loud. I look left. Look right. Looked over my shoulder. Squinted my eyes to see ahead. Not a soul in sight. I let it out. Ahh, I felt 3 pounds lighter. Then suddenly, I heard somebody say, ‘Mr. Phillips!’ But I didn’t see nobody. I felt something drip on my head. I look up and my damn supervisor coming out the rafters like Sting! I told him to stay up there. He was like, ‘what? why?’ I said just do it. He got suspicious and thought I was stealing boxes. He told me I don’t tell him what to do. That he’s my leader, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t land on his feet. Nah, the rope didn’t break. It was one of those silent and deadly ones, alright. I couldn’t smell it. It’s mine. I’m immune to it.

Terius Phillips ran to a nearby phone and contacted security. The supervisor, Marlon Gray, fainted for holding his nose too long. He was hospitalized for 3 hours. When Gray returned the next day, he led the meeting for the A team. No numbers were discussed. No parking. No housekeeping. Just exercise. Gray told the morning shift-that started working 27 minutes late because Gray had to constantly stop his speech due to their uncontrollable laughter-that if the bathroom is far from their station and people are even further, it’s acceptable to fart in solitude, however, if a co-worker approaches after the release you must warn them by doing jumping jacks because warning people verbally will just bring out their perversity.

The company chose jumping jacks as the perfect “air refresher exercise” because of the fanning motion of the arms and legs.

UPDATE: Three employees were suspended 2 days for abusing the system. “Every time I approached one of them with a stack of labels they started doing jumping jacks,” said team lead, Curtis Hayward. “This affected our production numbers tremendously for the first 2 hours of our shift, so, I got clever and put on an Ebola mask. You should’ve seen their faces when I pulled it out. Priceless.” But a familiar can of spray they left behind is what extended their 15 minute break to 48 hours. In the drawers at their respective stations, the employees had a can of Air MESSenger, which is artificial flatulence.

Built on top of:

  • Recent events of 3 jobs I worked at. 

Have you ever farted in solitude and somebody came out of nowhere and walked into it?

 

 

Shit! Batman Knows Where I Live (FY’s 300th Post)

 

Based on a true story

FADE IN

INT. EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Earl puts on his workout clothes and leaves his apartment, which is on the 6th floor. There are 14 units on the floor (hallways). He pushes the elevator’s button and the fire alarm rings.

INT. OUTSIDE EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

EARL

(startled)

The hell?! Did I do that? Let me get back in my apartment before someone sees me.

Earl struggles to unlock his door despite having one key on his chain. He fumbles and inserts them in the lock wrong. A neighbor wearing a Batman mask pokes their head out their door to see what’s going on (fire alarm). As Earl and the neighbor make eye contact the door opens. Louis puts his back against the door, breathing hard.

INT. INSIDE EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

EARL (CONT’D)

Shit! Batman knows where I live.

FADE OUT

The Rent Is Too Damn Low

 

Based on actual events

FADE IN

INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT – EVENING

Jimmy reads an email on his phone when he hears noise outside his door. He looks out the peephole. He sees no one. He opens the door and finds a white envelope with his apartment number on it taped to the door. He opens the mail and reads it.

JIMMY

What’s this?! 30 day notice of rent increase?!  I just signed a new lease over a week ago. Wheet?! $369?! The last letter said $469. Hold on!

Jimmy puts on some shoes and runs to the leasing office.

EXT. OUTSIDE JIMMY’S APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

INT. LEASING OFFICE – EVENING

JIMMY

I know y’all about to close in 5 minutes but somebody just put this on my door.

MANAGER

I did.

JIMMY

I don’t get it.

MANAGER

It’s your 30 day notice of rent increase.

JIMMY

But my lease up in November. Not December. I just came in here on the 20th and signed a new one.

ASSISTANT

Yeah, I’m the one who did his appointment.

The assistant gets the paperwork from the filing cabinet and shows it to the manager.

MANAGER

Oh, our mistake.

JIMMY

But what about the $369 on that paper. The last notice said $469.

MANAGER

For a new lease it’s actually $359.

JIMMY

Remember I asked you a week ago why my rent increased by $100? And you said it was no particular reason, that’s just at the request of the landlord.

MANAGER

Nah, I don’t remember.

JIMMY

You gotta remember my rent $469. Remember before I signed the lease y’all addressed my concerns and assured me the washers and dryers were gone be fixed the next day? Then I asked about the elliptical and you said you personally was trying to locate one because you use it a lot yourself.  Do you remember my rent is $469 now and NOT this $359?

MANAGER

No.

ASSISTANT

You probably was looking at the six-month.

JIMMY

Nah, nah, nah. I know what I saw. That was for a year. I don’t have time to go get the papers right now because y’all closing but I can tomorrow.

ASSISTANT

You already signed a new lease. You don’t have to come back in here tomorrow. It was our mistake.

JIMMY

But I need to show you the proof my rent is $469 and not this $359 or $369 y’all talking about.

The manager, the assistants, and the other leasing office occupants look at each other in disbelief.

MANAGER

(stern delivery)

Sir, do you want your rent to be $469 or 359?

JIMMY

I want my rent to be … *smiles* AWWW! *smacks self upside head* I am so …

EVERYONE

Stupid?

JIMMY

Yeahhhh. That’s it!

MANAGER

Sir, your rent for the next 12 months will be $359, however, we’re going to charge you $10 extra for the first 2 months because your stupidity has us working overtime.

JIMMY

I deserve it!

EXT. OUTSIDE APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

Jimmy clicks his heels as he runs back to his apartment.

FADE OUT

Tsu Surf to get Rematch Against Charlie Clips Because Tay Rock used Smack’s Shoulders for an Armrest

Smack physically moving Tay Rock's hands off his shoulders when Surf chokes

 

In an yet-to-be released interview with The War Report, Smack White, the founder of the Ultimate Rap League (URL), was asked by a fan about possible future rematches on the URL after Math Hoffa vs. Dose broke the ice. With Charlie Clips vs. Tay Rock handled at NOME4, Smack expressed interest in the Loaded Lux vs. Murda Mook trilogy; Conceited vs. Charlie Clips; Hollow Da Don vs. Loaded Lux; B-Magic vs. JC; Mickey Factz vs. Danja Zone. After the fan was cut off for noticing the matches Smack mentioned were originally on other leagues, Smack’s answer to why he wants to set up a rematch between Tsu Surf vs. Charlie Clips will give their Born Legacy battle replay value for all the wrong reasons. Here is the written account of Smack’s answer:

Yanahimsaying if you noticed yanahimsaying at Born Legacy yanahimsaying during the Surf and yanahimsaying Clips battle yanahimsaying I kept stepping between them yanahimsaying after every 4 bars yanahimsaying to tell the crowd yanahimsaying to HOLD IT DOWN, HOLD IT DOWN, even when they was quiet yanahimsaying and wasn’t reacting to none of the shit these niggas was spitting. And the reason I kept doing that yanahimsaying is because Tay Rock kept resting his hand on my shoulder. Like the whole battle shun. And I didn’t wanna tell him verbally yanahimsaying to get his hands off me yanahimsaying ’cause I thought it would’ve made things awkward for him yanahimsaying and made him feel some type of way yanahimsaying. Like self-conscious or something yanahimsaying. So, my idea was to constantly walk forward and pretend I was addressing the crowd yanahimsaying. Throw up my hand-signs yanahimsaying. Fake laugh, smile yanahimsaying. You know how I give it up. And I thought when I stepped back again yanahimsaying Tay Rock would’ve found something else to lean on yanahimsaying but it didn’t happen like that. It didn’t happen like that. You see, at one point I got tired of it yanahimsaying and physically moved his hand off my shoulder and walked forward but he put it right back up there shun. Yanahimsaying then Surf saved me in the third round when he spit some bars at Rock. I moved Rock yanahimsaying in front of me. But when Surf changed subjects Tay Rock moved right back behind me and put his hands on my shoulders shun. Yanahimsaying I was tight yanahimsaying. And the reason I’m just now saying something about this yanahimsaying is ’cause the nightmares of Surf choking and Clips calling me extra has gotten to me homie. Enough is enough yanahimsaying. I’m not extra, my nigga. I’m a man of honor and respect yanahimsaying and I take full responsibility for Surf choking and causing Clips to freestyle yanahimsaying ’cause I broke these niggas train of thought jumping in-between them like every 5 seconds yanahimsaying. If another man was using your shoulder for an arm-rest how would you feel, my nigga? Tay Rock is still one of my favorites of the culture yanahimsaying, still one of the top shooters of the URL yanahimsaying, but he won’t be invited to the Surf and Clips rematch. Smmmddlllaaack.

Built on top:

  • Comment section of above YouTube video

How did you try to stop UNwanted leaning on you?