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LOS ANGELES — Undercover police are posing as tourists walking the streets of LA this week to catch a new wave of shoplifters the media is dubbing The Made You Looks. So far, 6 victims, all out-of-towners, have come forward describing their unorthodox techniques. “I was coming out the store and this guy walks up to me and points behind me yelling ‘Cole from the Martin show.’ When I turned around to see, he punches me, knocks me to the ground, snatches my Hugo Boss bag out my left hand and runs,” said, 27 year old Kansas resident Clarke Crowe, who was visiting family in Culver City. Initially baffled by the thieves unconventional ruse, the LAPD got a break in the case when Detective Lesane Wallace picked up on the commonality in the entertainers they used to distract their unsuspecting victims: They were all D-List celebrities. “David Alan Grier, Dustin Diamond, Kathy Griffin, Carrot Top, and Carmen Electra have been the head-turners. This gang is smart. They know if they were to shout a Beyonce, a Will Smith name, people would be less likely to look because everyone knows A-List celebs do not go out in public without some sort of disguise on,” said, Wallace.
Until The Made You Looks are apprehended, the LAPD has put D to Z list celebrities on house arrest so their fans are aware of the suspicious activities of anyone screaming their names on the streets of LA.
Built on top of:
•Above YouTube clip
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Grammy-award winning rapper Lil’ Kim modeled a baby bump in her sparkly skin-tight dress during Mac Cosmetics and The Blonds Fashion Week after-party in New York City on February 12th.
“I’m so excited! I’m a few months along. I can’t wait to be a mom!” Lil’ Kim told US Weekly.
The congratulatory messages have been pouring in from celeb friends. Singer Tamar Braxton, who welcomed her first child, son Logan Herbert, tweeted, “Awwwww congrats @LilKim on your little one.”
Lil’ Kim’s best friend of 20 years, Jennifer Dalton (Real Housewives Of New Jersey), has been helping her with veggie pizza cravings, collect ideas for a “sick nursery,” and fluffing pillows to help her sleep comfortably. “All you see is Lil’ Kim in the fetal position with pillows everywhere. It’s very cute!”
Mr. Papers, the self-proclaimed baby-daddy revealed the gender of the baby to be a boy, something the 38 year old “Lighters Up” rapper wanted to save for a reality show in the works with VH1. “He gon’ be a gemini though, but I don’t wanna give you all the information, ya heard? He gon’ be a gemini.”
But the surprising helping hand that has everyone buzzing is from Dr. Garo Kassabian of Lift MD Aesthetics Beverly Hills, Lil’ Kim’s plastic surgeon for over an decade. The celebrity doctor said he wants to help deliver the baby. When asked why, he had the following to say:
I don’t want to actually deliver the baby. That’s not my practice. I just need to be there to calm her down when she sees the baby looks absolutely nothing like her. I don’t want her to drop the baby on its head screaming for a maternity test. My presence is just a friendly reminder of different face after different face after different face. You remember when she criticized Naturi Naughton for being too ‘dark-skin’ to portray her in the Biggie movie? Well what kind of whining you think she gone do when she sees the REAL Lil’ Kim again? She gone be crying louder than that baby!
Built on top of:
•Vlad TV comment
Do you think he is the right choice to deliver the baby?
Zack – *thinking to self* I cannot believe someone paid $10,000 for a iPhone just because it had the Flappy Bird app on it. This is crazy! *looks ahead* The hell is this fool posing for? Wait a … I know he don’t think I’m taking a pic of him because I’m holding my phone like this? Man, let me put my phone down.
2 minutes later …
Zack – *thinking to self* Damn, I’m getting snot on my screen. I need some tissue. Let me hold my phone back up.
30 seconds later …
Zack – *thinking to self* Haha. Janelle Monae just tweeted ‘Do It Far Da Vine.’ Haha. I love her! *looks ahead* Why the f**k this dude dancing for? He really think I’m recording him or something. *shakes head*
1 minute later …
Zack – *thinking to self* Oh my God! They coming out with bacon-flavored toothpaste?!?! Now I don’t have to gag when I brush my teeth. My prayers have been answered. Thank you, Jesus! *looks ahead* What the hell he doing??? Now I know this fool not trying to take a pic of me. What he doing with his phone? *moving head side to side, ducking down* This fool got me doing the Chris Tucker head dance. Aww, okay. You wanna play with me? I’ma get you. Your stop is my stop!
35 minutes later …
Zack – Aye partner!
Fool – *turns around*
Zack – *pushes him down to the ground*
Fool – What are you doing?
Zack – The hell you taking pictures of me on the bus for?
Fool – You was taking pics of me.
Zack – What?! I don’t even know you. Why the f**k would I be taking pics of another dude for? I’m not gay.
Fool – Why was you holding your phone like that?
Zack – I was reading!!! N***a gimne your phone.
Fool – Please don’t hurt me! Please, mister!
Zack – *goes through phone, checks photo gallery* Where the pics you took of me??? I don’t see ‘em.
Fool – I never took none. I was pretending to.
Zack – Say what?!
Fool – Hey, I’m not gay either!
Zack – What?! You … you made me get off the bus for nothing? I miss my damn stop. Got me in unknown territory and s**t. Aww hell nah!
Fool – I’m sorry. I really am.
Zack – Get your ass up.
Fool – What’s this? Why are you giving me your phone for?
Zack – Because if you don’t want me to beat your ass you gone take some pictures of me. I didn’t miss my stop for nothing. *poses*
“I can’t believe he answered my freaking ad,” said Eddie Cabin, the man who posted an ad on Craigslist last year looking for home security after a burglar stole his remote.
On the night of December 29, 2012 Cabin’s house was broken into, however, he wasn’t sure it had been. “I had no reason to suspect burglary. My furniture was in the same place. Nothing was moved. I live alone so anything out of place would’ve caught my eye. I sat down that Sunday morning to watch Joel Osteen. That’s how I go to church. And I couldn’t find the remote. I always sat it on the coffee table. After a full day of getting off the couch, I had an epiphany during one of those long walks across the room to change the channel: Some fool stole my remote! I thought this was absurd until the TV kept changing while I was trying to watch the Ryan Seacrest New Years Eve Bash. I looked out the window and saw a blue truck sitting in the middle of the street. When I stepped on the porch, it sped off.”
Cabin then posted the Craigslist ad you see above, which has since been nominated for their “Best Of” section. The details that wasn’t in the ad were that he only needed security between primetime hours, 7PM-9PM, because that’s when the drive-by channel changing occurred. “It’s like he knew my TV-watching schedule or something.”
Cabin said he had to go through hundreds of “LMFAO” replies to find serious inquiries. A common reply he said he wanted to address was, “Why didn’t you just buy another remote?” Cabin’s response was his TV was antique and stores stopped selling those kind of remotes long ago, which is why sometimes he kept it in a safe. Another common reply from people who answered his ad was, “Why didn’t you just move the TV from the window?” Cabin said he reported those people for spam.
Cabin is out of $680 from the fiasco, $620 of which was paid to a burglar who was all to eager to sit on the sidewalk from 7 at night to 6 in the morning. “I fired 3 Top Flight security guards for being unable to get the license plate number. I should have known something was suspicious when the drive-by’s stopped after I hired him. I just thought it was because he had a intimidating presence.”
Cabin said he would have been out of more money had it not been for the craving of a midnight snack. “I saw a light coming from the living room. It was the TV. The volume was muted. I knew I turned it off before bed. I look across the room and saw a face outside my window munching on something. It was him! The son of a bitch was watching a re-run of Scandal.”
Built on top of:
•A retweet of that ad
Have you ever stolen something and tried to give it back for a reward?
Newark, NJ – Days away from the Ultimate Warrior (UW) Battle League’s biggest event, High Stakes, leaked news has emerged from Bay Area rap legend and philanthropist Mistah Fab.
On the 13th of December I said on Twitter, ‘Back to the money. No more about this battle bulls***!! Back to this song writing and publishing hits.’ But to keep it a G with you, I couldn’t leave it alone. I just couldn’t. I had to get to the root of the problem. I could’ve left it at, ‘Oh Arsonal doesn’t really own UW so that’s why we not battling.’ Which is still true. He don’t own s***! But it was a voice in my head telling me it was MUCH deeper than that. I kept asking myself, ‘Why isn’t this man battling on HIS company’s biggest event? The best rap battle card of all time.’ And anybody know Ars’, knows he suffers from ASH: Attention-Seeking-Behavior. I believe this will be the first UW card he isn’t featured on. So boom! I was performing at a New Jersey club this past week promoting my new mixtape, Hella Ratchet, and met this female battle rap groupie. I just f***, right. We laying in bed, she roll over and say, ‘Fabby, I got something to tell you.’ In my head, I’m like, ‘Ohhh this b**** gave me something!’ I start panicking and s***. She like, ‘Calm down! What’s wrong with you? Don’t get excited yet!’ I settle down. You won’t believe what this b**** tells me, homie! She f***ed Arsonal too. Like I told you, she a battle rap groupie. She said after they f***, Arsonal wanted to spit his rounds for her. She said, ‘For the Yung Ill battle?’ He said, ‘Nah. For Hollow Da Don.’ She said, ‘The Dinninon or it’s another Dinninon? Not Hollow Da Dinninon! I thought you said don’t do rematches?’ He was like, ‘I’ma give him one. I’ma give him one.’ Like that. She said, ‘When?’ This mark a** n**** told her at High Stakes cuz. No, not next year’s High Stakes. THIS one cuz! She said, ‘But I thought he was going up against Loaded Lux?’ He was like, ‘That’s all for show. We couldn’t afford to give that man no damn 40K.’ At this moment, I’m saying to myself, I always wondered how Arsonal was able to pay Lux money the Smack man didn’t even have. And how such a small league like UW was able to get the battle over the URL and KOTD. This n**** would have to be on these Jersey blocks pushing all kinds of cocaine,younahimsaying. Then the broad was like he said, ‘We gone do him like we did him at Fight Club. Switch his opponent last minute. He gone have to freestyle the whole battle or spit his Lux bars against me. Let’s see if his rebuttals improved since.’ Arsonal been plotting since the Surf battle. He in love with Hollow’s facial expressions during their Fight Club battle. Priceless! She said Arsonal told her Lux gone be there to just flip the damn coin! That’s cold! Fans about to be pissed off for real. They gone do Hollow dirty! He about to get that work, alright.
Mistah Fab said he initially didn’t believe the groupie’s story but when he bumped into Loaded Lux a few days later, he was convinced. “I ran into Lux on 139th. I was looking for the Big L memorial wall. I wanted to take a picture in front of it. And I see this n**** Lux up the block looking just like Calicoe said … ‘bummy as f**k.’ I didn’t see no Bucaleany hoodie that day! Chewing on a stick and everything. I’m saying to myself, this n**** ain’t got no damn 40K and bounced cause I was thinking about pocket-checking that n**** on some Daylyt s***.”
Mistah Fab has said if him and Arsonal does battle one day, he won’t write a round and will freestyle the whole battle and that Arsonal’s experience doesn’t destroy his confidence. “I’m the Freestyle King. I’m spitting nothing but personals. No punchlines. No metaphors. No name-flips. Forget you don’t own UW n****. That groupie told me I got the bigger d*** n****.”
UPDATE (1+21+14): Ironically, today is Mistah Fab’s birthday, however, he insists “this isn’t the liquor talking” and this is in fact, “The truth. Birthday or not.”
UPDATE 2 (1+22+14):
The liquor was talking and Mistah Fab has admitted he made the whole story up because he was salty at Ars for not battling him on the most anticipated rap battle card of all time. This means … Lux and Hollow is back on!
BREAKING NEWS (1+23+14): Mickey Facts has deduced Loaded Lux’s gimmick for this Sunday’s High Stakes on Twitter. Remember the line Lux choked on at the URL’s Summer Madness 2 event? “Harlem hospital giving beds out.” Okay, now remember the last line Lux said at DJ Vlad’s Killas Battle League event, “Tell that boy Hollow to come get his medicine.” Now what keywords does both of the lines have in common? Medicine and hospital. Medical terms! Which means Lux is taking off the black jacket to put on the long white coat. To confirm this, Lux even tweeted a photoshop image of Hollow as a patient and Lux as a doctor and captioned it with, “Wait till we show up lol.”
Built on top of:
• Mistah Fab’s tweets
•Fight Club switching up Hollow Da Don’s opponent last minute to Arsonal, causing him him to freestyle
•Something going wrong at UW’s High Stakes event
What do you think about Lux’s doctor gimmick for Hollow?
Lyric – Daddee, will I be tall like you and mommee?
Harnew – Yeah, when *censored* comes. You know what that is?
Lyric – My birthdayyyyy!
Harnew – You so smart!
Lyric – But I don’t wanna be tall. *pouts*
Harnew – Why?
Lyric – Cause when I get big you and mommee won’t pick me up no more. I don’t like walking.
Harnew – Haha. You gotta pick us up then.
Lyric – Daddee, why that man talk funny?
Harnew – We speak English. He’s speaking Spanish. One day you will learn how to speak another language too and talk funny.
Lyric – Daddee, why we don’t have 2 mouths? We 2 ears.
Harnew – Because you are suppose to listen twice as much as you talk.
Lyric – Daddee, why is water wet?
Harnew – *secretly checks Google* Uhhh … so we can swim in it. Don’t you like going swimming?
Lyric – Yayyyy!
Next day …
Harnew – You’re awfully quiet back there, sweetie. You okay?
Lyric – I don’t want make you mad. Harnew – Make me mad? How you gone make me mad?
Lyric – I don’t wanna ask lot of questions.
Harnew – Aww! Why not, princess?
Lyric – Cause you gone get mad at me and spank me. It hurt.
Harnew – That’s mean! Why you say that???
Lyric – When I was over Lia’s house, her mommee got mad at her for asking lot of questions.
Harnew – Aww! I’m sorry to hear that. But Lyric, honey, you and Lia don’t have the same mom. *Censored* is your mom and I’m your dad.
Lyric – O-tay.
Harnew – Remember what daddy told you yesterday about why you have 2 ears and 1 mouth?
Lyric – Bee … cause you suppose to listen twice as much as you talk? Am I right?
Harnew – That’s right, princess. Now I want you to listen to daddy carefully, okay?
Lyric – O-tay.
Harnew – You’re 4 years old and kids your age like to ask a lot of questions because learning is fun and they want to know about the we’re living in. You have a very curious nature I want you to keep. When people get tall, they ask less questions and make more statements because they think they know it all. Learning has gotten boring to them. I don’t want you and your baby brother to get like that when you get tall like mommy and daddee. I want you to have a questioning attitude in life, a habit of demanding and weighing evidence. Like a scientist. Question everything and everyone, including mommy and daddy. We’re not always right. Challenge us! No question is silly or stupid. I don’t care what you ask me. We will try our very very best to answer it. Now pinky promise me you will ask me a million bajillion questions. *extends pinky*
Lyric – *grabs pinky* I promise.
Harnew – Now give daddy a kissy.
Lyric – *Muah*
Harnew – I love you!
Lyric – I love you more, daddee.
Harnew – *eyes water up* Aww! You gone make me cry.
Lyric – Noooo. Don’t cry, daddee. It be ok.
Harnew – Okay. I’ll be strong for you. *kisses forehead* You gotta be up bright and early in the morning for school so it’s time for bed, okay.
Lyric – Okay. Can I ask you one question before bed time?
Harnew – Go!
Lyric – Where do babies come from?
Harnew – *thinks to self* Oh, dear!
Taylor: Thanks! Hey Doc’, before I go, is there anything you can give me to keep me in bed at night?
Doctor: For sleepwalking?
Taylor: Nah. Every night I wake up around the same time and it’s hard for me to go back to sleep.
Doctor: The same time?
Taylor: Yeah, around 2-3AM.
Doctor: Not to go to the restroom?
Doctor: Not because you’re having recurring nightmares?
Doctor: Not for a late night snack?
Taylor: No. Not for any reason whatsoever.
Doctor: I’m not trying to scare you but …
Taylor: But what???
Doctor: When you wake up around 2-3AM without ANY reason, there’s an 86% chance that someone …
Taylor: Someone is what???
Doctor: … watching you.
Taylor: *gulps saliva* But, but, I, I live, I live alone.
10 hours later …
Taylor: *talking to self* Haha. Sean and Gus are so silly! Man! I love Psych! Well, it’s 9. Time for bed.
5 hours later …
Taylor: *talking to self out loud* It’s 7 already??? *looks at alarm clock* It’s 2:30. Dammit! Why I keep waking up around this time? *starts thinking about what doctor said* I can’t believe I’m about to do this! *looks under bed* Nothing under there. *gets up, checks closet* Nothing in there but clothes. *looks out window* No one outside. What the hell am I doing? Haha. I’m letting my doctor scare me. This just what he wanted. Haha. He got me! I’ma tell him about this mess tomorrow. Haha. Let me get back in bed and try to sleep. *talking to self on inside* I mean, if someone was watching me, they would have to be in vicinity of my bed. It’s nothing around my bed but my ironing board, my paper shredder, my lamp, my alarm clock, and my *looks in that direction* OHHHH MYYYY GODDDUH! OH MY GOD! OHHHH MY GOD!
Part 2 dropping sometime this week
What do you think Taylor saw?
When Moesha Rhodes returned home after taking the kids to their grandma’s house to open their Christmas presents, she had some offbeat news for her husband of 9 years. “Honey, you won’t believe what kind of ticket I got from speeding,” she said. Fearing he would have to return some toys to pay off the fine, Terry Rhodes had the same surprised look on his face as his wife did when she got the ticket. A lottery ticket that is! She explained to her husband that Melbourne police officers concentrated along the Wickham Road commercial corridor doled out warnings to speeders and other traffic violators, and to spread a little holiday cheer, they issued scratch off game-tickets in which they paid for with their own funds. Sgt. Jamie Rocque said, “We’re just doing a little bit of a different technique.”
Upon hearing this, Mr. Rhodes grabbed the car keys and said he’ll be back. 30 minutes later, he came back with a lottery ticket of his own. “No stores are open on Christmas. Where you get that from?” asked Moesha. Terry told her from speeding. “For the next dozen days I would be called all out my name: Moron! Idiot! Imbecile! I just kept quiet,” Terry said.
Then on January 7, 2014 that lottery ticket proved to be a big winner. ONE MILLION DOLLARS BIG! Suddenly, his wife was calling him her hero. “I just remember him getting all pop-eyed when I was talking to him about my ticket, which didn’t win shit by the way. I don’t know what he seen. The future? How many people would take a risk like that? Wow! He’s a true visionary. I just can’t believe what looked like a stupid move turned out to be the greatest decision ever,” she said.
However, with money, comes problems. The officer who handed Terry the lottery ticket wants a cut. “He reached out to me and said he wants what’s his. I asked him how much did he pay for the ticket and he said $3. Then I said okay I will give you $3. He laughed and said he wants half! I told him hell no. He got irate and started cursing me out. He threatened to throw me in jail for the rest of my life and that he was gone rape my wife,” Terry exclaimed.
Terry has told us that the aforementioned conversation has frightened him to the point that he plans to get out what he calls a “police state” as soon as he gets his money. He quit his job and made his wife do the same. He took his children out of school. He has put everyone on “house arrest.” He said, “We’re not going anywhere. No one’s going outside until the press calls me to take a photo with the big check. They probably got my picture hanging up in the precinct captioned ‘Wanted.’ “
Built on top of:
•Melbourne police issue lottery tickets during Christmas traffic stops
Would you skip town too? Why or why?
Pre-August 2006, Walter Kottke, 29, was a serious vegetarian. A good organic gardener who knew how to compost. He could go weeks on end with just water, fruits, and starchless vegetables. Although, he had 3 cars, he loved to walk to his destination, which he says, “Cost me a few dates.” He never ate after 6PM. Always read the ingredient list before consuming. Worked out twice a day. Lean and tight as a whippet. His favorite food? Salads. Then! This photo of a frog found in a pack of Florette bagged salad went viral on August 30, 2006.
“It just all went downhill from there,” Kottke said. From “Dave” The Costco Frog Salad to the Walmart Frog Salad to the Target Frog Salad to UK residents finding live and dead frogs in their salads to the recent Pret a Manger salad (above pic), Kottke has said he has developed a fervent fear of eating salads again, which has led to serious health issues. “I gained 355 pounds in the last 7 years, man. I was 180 freaking pounds in July 2006. I took a photo of the scale. I had to sell all my clothes. I can’t even walk no more; the weight is bad on my knees. I have to push this golfcart thing around. Those 3 cars I said I had? Can’t even fit in them no more.”
Kottke said part of his fear is growing up with a phobia of frogs. “My older brother used to have a pet frog. He used to scare me with it. I hated that thing. The long hind legs. How moist their skin was. Their droopy necks. Eww! I use to hate that Budweiser commercial. That’s why I don’t drink.”
Although, never a victim himself of a amphibian-riddled salad, Kottke is calling on prior ones to collectively sue these “bad” companies for “playing” with their health. “Something has to be done about this! My health is declining rapidly. They’re to blame! I use to be a health-conscious freak. Now for the last 7 years I’ve been a glut. Hot & Spicy’s are disgusting. I miss getting standing ovations when I ordered a salad at McDonald’s.”
Built on top of:
• You Won’t Want A Salad Today
•The pic I took of the scale when I was 180
Do think they put frogs in salads because they’re green like the lettuce?
As anyone born on Christmas or anywhere close to the holiday can attest to, their birthday sucks! Why? Because you don’t get two presents: one for your birthday, one for Christmas. Instead, you only get one, serving as both your birthday and Christmas gifts. Exacerbating the problem, it’s never a big expensive gift.
A radical Christian group hailing from Philadelphia calling themselves Jeez (abbreviation of Jesus) is looking to re-write the bible. Jeez consists of members who were born on December 20-27th. According to Jeez, Jesus wasn’t crucified because he made the Jews unhappy, but because his birthday was on Christmas. Or, as it was known in those days, The Christian Festival. Furthermore, they also made the startling announcement that Jesus had siblings … and they’re the ones who actually killed him. Here’s what they told us:
Jesus had 2 sisters and 1 brother. Their birthdays were in March, June, and July. Mary and Joseph were very poor and they couldn’t afford to buy Jesus a separate birthday present from his festival one, so they opted to not make him jealous of the birthdays of his siblings by just celebrating all their birthdays on the same day – the day of the festival. This angered his brother and sisters so much, they had to get rid of him so they could have a birthday present separate from the feast. And, that’s how the crucifixion of Christ came about.
Jeez is publishing an e-bible tomorrow morning entitled The Real Reason Why Jesus Was Crucified in which they go into further detail regarding this new revelation. According to Amazon, just over 250,000 copies have already been pre-ordered.
Built on top of:
•Conversations with people who have birthdays near Christmas
What do you think of Jeez’s theory?
Maurice – If you love me, you will do it.
Vicki – … Okay.
Maurice – Here.
Vicki – *smokes the crack*
3 weeks later …
ACS – We have a report that you’ve been selling drugs from your apartment.
Vicki – What?! I’ve never sold drugs!
ACS – Well, are you buying them?
Vicki - Okay, I’m getting high, but I never sold drugs!
ACS – Do you have somewhere for your children to go? They can’t stay here!
Vicki – No, I don’t.
ACS – Well, they will have to live with a foster family.
Vicki – Noooooooo!
9 weeks later …
Agent – Alright! Time’s up!
Maurice – Come on, man! Let us get like 10 more minutes with our kids.
Agent – Time’s up! Sorry.
Vicki – We can only see them once a week. Give us some more time. Please!
Agent – I’m sorry!
Foster Dad – *pulls Maurice to side and whispers* That 12 year old daughter of yours … great piece of ass!
Maurice – *swings at Foster Dad*
Agent – Get off him! Stop! Call security! What the hell are you doing? Call security!
Maurice – Arrest this man! He’s molesting my damn daughter!
Foster Dad – You see what that crack has him doing? He’s violent! Keep him back.
Agent – Stay back, Maurice!
Foster Dad – I’m gonna teach your daughter how to be a real woman! *winks at Maurice*
3 days later …
TV Commercial – It’s 10PM. Do you know where your children are?
Maurice – *thinks of the foster family home* Change the channel, baby. You know what, I don’t wanna watch tv anymore. Wanna get high?
Vicki – I thought you would never ask.
Later that night …
Maurice – Noooooo!
Vicki – Baby, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!
Maurice – I gotta get my babies back!
15 months later …
Vicki – What’s wrong with my key? *knocks on door*
Maurice – *opens door* Hey.
Vicki – *tries to put foot in door*
Maurice – *blocks foot*
Vicki – What are you doing? Let me in!
*kids in the background playing*
Vicki – Oh my God! Am I hearing things or is that junior I hear laughing?
Maurice – … Yes.
Vicki – You got our kids back??? Oh my God! What did you do? You took them?
Maurice – I have a secret.
Vicki – I won’t tell you took them. Let me in. I wanna see my babies!
Maurice – I can’t, Vicki. Listen.
Vicki – What???
Maurice - I have secretly been attending a residential drug prevention program and I graduated 2 weeks ago.
Vicki – Why you never told me this????
Maurice – Because I thought I would fail anyway so it didn’t make sense to. Somehow, I got over my crack addition and …
Vicki – And what???
Maurice – They gave me back custody of the kids.
Vicki – Yesssss! Oh my God! Oh my God! Yesssss! Let me see my babies! *puts foot in door*
Maurice – *blocks foot* Me!
Vicki – You, what?
Maurice – The case workers don’t want you around the kids. You’re still addicted to crack.
Vicki – What?!
Maurice – I changed the locks. I have to kick you out.
Vicki – What?!
Maurice – They’re forcing me to! They said if I let you around the kids, they will go back to that foster family. They probably got someone watching the house. Cameras or something. You have to leave. Now!
Vicki – You’re the fucking reason why I’m on crack in the first place. I can’t get off of it. I’m addicted. YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! How could you??? *cries* Let me in this damn house, Maurice. Let me see my babies! Please! If you love me, you will do it! Remember that?
Maurice – I do! But I’m not in love with THIS you! *slams door in her face*
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Vicki – This is Harold.
Harold – *extends hand* Hey, I’m Harold. *thinks to self* Wow … she is so pretty!
Her – *shakes hand* Hey.
Harold – *thinks to self* Why she didn’t tell me her name?
30 minutes later …
Her – How long you been here?
Harold – Since October. Were you a part of the group Denise was training?
Her – Yeah. You know when this is ending?
Harold – They said December 23rd.
Her – What’s that like 3 paychecks for me? *smirks*
Harold – *smirks*
Her – I can’t wait ‘till school starts back.
Harold – You mean the spring semester? When does it start back? January 15th?
Her – Yeah.
Harold – *thinks to self* I love how wavy her hair is.
Hour later …
Harold – What are you going to school for?
Her – To be an Obstetrician. I want to deliver babies.
Harold – *thinks to self* Yeah but whose gonna deliver ours.
Hour later …
Harold – How long have you been wanting to deliver babies?
Her – It takes 12 years to be one. I only been in school for a year and a half.
Harold – Nah, I meant how long have you had the passion to do it?
Her – Since I was 5. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor or obstetrician. I just didn’t know which one.
Harold – Have you delivered one yet?
Her – No.
Harold – *thinks to self* I don’t usually like girls in the medical field but DAMN I like her! Man!
30 minutes later …
15 minutes later …
Her – Can you help me with this?
Vicki – You gotta ask him, baby.
Harold – *thinks to self* That was rude, Vicki. I believe she’s jealous because I’m running my mouth now. But why she didn’t ask me in the first place?! Ugh! I’m not helping her! I don’t like her no more!
Her – Can you? *smiles*
Harold – Yeahhhhh. *thinks to self* Okayyyyy I’m a sucka. I like her again!
15 minutes later …
Harold – *secretly staring at her*
Her – *becoming frustrated* Throws me the blanket.
Harold – *laughing*
2 hours later …
Harold – *thinks to self* I cannot figure her out! Is she just shy and quiet like me? Is that why she’s not talking? I don’t talk to nobody here but I wanna talk to her! Can’t she tell I’m trying to get to know her? But I’m not gone keep asking her questions if she’s just giving answers. You know what, I don’t like her no more!
Her – *walks away from the table*
Harold – *thinks to self* Woo! I like her again!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Harold – I hope she comes back to my table today.
5 minutes later …
Some girl – *sits her stuff on table*
Harold – *thinks to self* Who the hell is this???? Where is my girl?! Oooh there she go! Damn, she walked in a minute too late. Let me wave! Damn, did she see me? She didn’t wave back. Ugh! I don’t like her no more! I’m glad she not at my table!
2 hours later …
Harold – *walking pass her table to get to the break room*
Her – Hey! What time do we go on break?
Harold – Well, my cell go to break now, at 7:45. *stops to get water*
Her – *walks ahead*
Harold – *thinks to self* Why she stop walking? Oh my God! She’s waiting on me! Giggity!
Her – *pulls out her phone* When does this end?
Harold – They said the 23rd.
Her – But it can’t because we don’t work that day.
Harold – Check your calendar on your phone.
Her – That’s what I’m doing.
Harold – *thinking to self* I’m walking with my baby! We moving at the same pace too haha. Maybe I should go to the same break room she is going in? Nah. I need to keep my distance for now. I’m just gone keep walking to the 3rd break room.
3 hours later …
Harold – *walks to her table* It’s lunch time! *thinking to self* Should I sit with her now? Nah. Distance!
Hour later …
Harold – Where is this girl??? She suppose to been back 15 minutes ago. She gone get in trouble! There she go!
Her – *walks to my cell* What time was we suppose to been back?
Harold – Girl, where have you been? I almost came to the break room and snatched you up.
Her – *laughs*
30 minutes later …
Her – *walks to my cell* That lady keep looking at me!
Harold – Who?
Her – *pointing at the lady with her eye direction* The lady with the curly hair. I don’t have no work.
Harold – Just act like you doing something. You want me to bring you some work over there?
Her – Yeah.
Harold – *walks to another table* Hey, do you mind if I get 2 of your totes?
Some lady – Okay.
Harold – *walks to HER table* Here you go! Just work real slow.
Her – Thank you.
Harold – *looking back, staring at her*
25 minutes later …
Harold – *mouths* You need some work?
Her – *mouths* She gone give me some. *walks to my cell* What’s that lady name?
Harold – Denise?
Her – Yeah. She gone bring me some.
30 minutes later …
Her – *walks to my cell*
Harold – She still didn’t bring you none?
Her – Nah.
Harold – You want some of mines?
Her -I’m leaving at 4:30 so it don’t matter.
15 minutes later …
Harold – *looking back, staring at her tapping her pen on table*
Harold – *looks up and sees her with her jacket in her hand* *thinks to self* She didn’t even tell me bye! I don’t like her no more!
20 minutes later …
Lead – Hey young man! Do you know the girl’s name that was at this table?
Harold – No. I think it starts with a K or J. She had to leave at 4. *thinking to self* If I did know it, I wouldn’t tell you no way. Why she asking me this? My back is turnt to the table she was at. Why she didn’t ask the people that was at the table with her? She must saw us talking. I guess being quiet stands out sometimes. I hope she not in trouble!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Harold – *thinks to self* Okayyyyy it’s 6:30. She must be running late!
4 hours later …
Harold – Damn! I believe she got fired.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Harold – Hey, were you a part of the group Denise was training?
Some guy – Yeah.
Harold – What happen to all the people that was with you? What happen to the short …
Some guy – You talking about the girl you was talking to?
Harold – Umm … yeah. *thinking to self* Damn! He seen me too! Was we THAT obvious?
Some guy – Yeah, that’s Tisha! She quit. I texted her yesterday and asked her where she was at. She said she couldn’t take it!
Harold – I know she had to leave at 4 Wednesday.
Some guy – Yeah, she had a test to take.
Harold – You know what school she go to?
Some guy – Yeah, Northwest.
Harold – Northwest? You mean Southwest?
Some guy – *laughs* Yeah, my bad.
Harold – Thanks! *walks in solitude* *thinks to self* Okay, 4 things! Her name is Tisha. She didn’t get fired. She go to school by my house. And THIS guy has her number! Ugh! Now I gotta be his friend!
2 hours later …
Harold – *thinks to self* This is all my fault! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m not a go-getter. Why every time I want something I let it slip through my fucking finger tips! Why do I keep waiting? Knowing our time is limited here. I was gone ask for her number on the last day. I should’ve got it when she had her phone out. Why do I keep waiting? *tears up* I can’t believe I’m actually about to cry over this. I barely knew her! I’m not crying over her. I’m crying because I don’t act when I need to. I keep choking and blowing chances to get what I want when it’s right fucking there. I think too much. This not about girls but about everything. I actually liked her more than Anna! I hope I can see her again. Hopefully, I attract her with my mind. Dammit! It was only 2 weeks left. She couldn’t take that??? She’s a damn quitter! I can’t take it either but I’m persevering. Why didn’t I see this coming??? She was giving me signs. After that lead ask me did I know her I just figured they was gone fire her. I was gone speed up my seduction and get her number today instead of on the last day. Now I may never see her again! What’s the chances of bumping into her at a school I don’t go to no more? She was so perfect for me! WHY DIDN’T I GET HER NUMBER WHEN SHE HAD HER DAMN PHONE OUT?!?! I don’t deserve her number if I’m gone be shy about what I want in life. Why the fuck am I crying? I lost my motivation to be here! Fuck the money! I need to go to the restroom.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Harold – *thinks to self* You know what, soon as I see this dude, I’m gone ask him for her number. Fuck it! I gotta get my girl!
3 hours later …
Harold – *thinks to self* Where the hell is he? He’s usually right there. I wonder is he in another cell. Let me ask Denise.
Denise – Hey Harold.
Harold – Denise, where is the guy that was at that table yesterday?
Denise – He quit!