What’s Coming Up Next for Futuristically Yours?

fy_logoHey Futures,

FY is 3 posts away from the 300 post milestone, and I thought I share the next possible (inspiration can strike at anytime) posts with you on this journey.

  • Episodes: How Much? A 3 scene post about serial killers in the prostitution industry. 
  • Comics: Comics about foreheads and t-shirts. 
  • Uncategorized: 4 Typical Girl Insults 
  • Reverse-self-letter: A letter about The Social Network (Facebook)
  • Episodes: Me Na Speaketh Da England in dialogue format (not same story)

Non-blog stuff:

  • YouTube channel: Currently on scripts 16 and 17. My goal is to have 25 to 30 before year’s end. My launch will coincide with Fight Club 2, which is scheduled for a March or April 2015 release. Be sure to subscribe
  • I’m going to update Passport Bear to reflect my new-found screenplay writing knowledge (compare earlier Episodes to new ones) and format it accordingly. None of the actual content will change. 

*Note: Temporary post that will be deleted in few days. This post is just for announcement purposes.*

Tsu Surf to get Rematch Against Charlie Clips Because Tay Rock used Smack’s Shoulders for an Armrest

Smack physically moving Tay Rock's hands off his shoulders when Surf chokes


In an yet-to-be released interview with The War Report, Smack White, the founder of the Ultimate Rap League (URL), was asked by a fan about possible future rematches on the URL after Math Hoffa vs. Dose broke the ice. With Charlie Clips vs. Tay Rock handled at NOME4, Smack expressed interest in the Loaded Lux vs. Murda Mook trilogy; Conceited vs. Charlie Clips; Hollow Da Don vs. Loaded Lux; B-Magic vs. JC; Mickey Factz vs. Danja Zone. After the fan was cut off for noticing the matches Smack mentioned were originally on other leagues, Smack’s answer to why he wants to set up a rematch between Tsu Surf vs. Charlie Clips will give their Born Legacy battle replay value for all the wrong reasons. Here is the written account of Smack’s answer:

Yanahimsaying if you noticed yanahimsaying at Born Legacy yanahimsaying during the Surf and yanahimsaying Clips battle yanahimsaying I kept stepping between them yanahimsaying after every 4 bars yanahimsaying to tell the crowd yanahimsaying to HOLD IT DOWN, HOLD IT DOWN, even when they was quiet yanahimsaying and wasn’t reacting to none of the shit these niggas was spitting. And the reason I kept doing that yanahimsaying is because Tay Rock kept resting his hand on my shoulder. Like the whole battle shun. And I didn’t wanna tell him verbally yanahimsaying to get his hands off me yanahimsaying ’cause I thought it would’ve made things awkward for him yanahimsaying and made him feel some type of way yanahimsaying. Like self-conscious or something yanahimsaying. So, my idea was to constantly walk forward and pretend I was addressing the crowd yanahimsaying. Throw up my hand-signs yanahimsaying. Fake laugh, smile yanahimsaying. You know how I give it up. And I thought when I stepped back again yanahimsaying Tay Rock would’ve found something else to lean on yanahimsaying but it didn’t happen like that. It didn’t happen like that. You see, at one point I got tired of it yanahimsaying and physically moved his hand off my shoulder and walked forward but he put it right back up there shun. Yanahimsaying then Surf saved me in the third round when he spit some bars at Rock. I moved Rock yanahimsaying in front of me. But when Surf changed subjects Tay Rock moved right back behind me and put his hands on my shoulders shun. Yanahimsaying I was tight yanahimsaying. And the reason I’m just now saying something about this yanahimsaying is ’cause the nightmares of Surf choking and Clips calling me extra has gotten to me homie. Enough is enough yanahimsaying. I’m not extra, my nigga. I’m a man of honor and respect yanahimsaying and I take full responsibility for Surf choking and causing Clips to freestyle yanahimsaying ’cause I broke these niggas train of thought jumping in-between them like every 5 seconds yanahimsaying. If another man was using your shoulder for an arm-rest how would you feel, my nigga? Tay Rock is still one of my favorites of the culture yanahimsaying, still one of the top shooters of the URL yanahimsaying, but he won’t be invited to the Surf and Clips rematch. Smmmddlllaaack.

Built on top:

  • Comment section of above YouTube video

How did you try to stop UNwanted leaning on you?

Meh Na Speaketh Da England



A Spanish worker was fined $50 and had it taken out of his paycheck when caught speaking English after telling his supervisor “Meh na speaketh da England” during a forklift incident.

38-year-old Santiago Bardem stacked a pallet of boxes so high on a rack that it hit the sprinkler system causing a massive flood. When the supervisor, Kenneth Berkley, approached Bardem about what happened the Spaniard pretended he couldn’t understand English. Berkley went to get the Spanish-speaking supervisor, Sofia Lopez, to translate. After the two supervisors walked off, Bardem turned to his co-worker, Nubrisco Drew, and effortlessly switched to English, cracking jokes, which caused Drew to laugh so uncontrollably he produced a little flood of his own with tears.

When Bardem saw the supervisors walking back, he kicked Drew while he was rolling on the floor, gripping his stomach, eyes closed, and worse of all, repeating the punchline to Bardem’s jokes. With no one else in sight, Bardem just dropped his head when the supervisors started shaking theirs.

The Nike warehouse in Memphis now has a policy in place that if two Spaniards are having a conversation and a English-speaking person comes in close proximity they must ask the person do they understand Spanish. If so, they can continue with their conversation in their native tongue. However, if not, they must have said conversation in English. The policy, called Meh Na Speaketh Da England, after Bardem’s response, states that you can be fined up to $50 for disobeying it.

Bardem and 2% of the 35% of the warehouse’s Hispanic makeup are fighting back in a subtle way by lobbying for the same policy for African-Americans, who make-up 29% of the warehouse. Spaniard employee Alejandro Vergara in response to racist comments said, “I’m tired of people looking at me like they want to fight. I’m not racist. I just want fairness. Just like people can’t understand us, we have a hard time understanding blacks. They’re the biggest ethnic here after us. I love listening to rap gibberish on the radio but not in conversations. The other day, some black guy called me bae. What is Bae? Is it like Amigo? We Hispanics are having a hard time understanding the slang. I hope bae isn’t anything bad because he invited me over to his house. I don’t want to walk into my death or anything.”

Built on top:

  • Based on a day at work for dad

Have you ever been in a situation where a foreigner pretended to not understand English when you KNOW they do? I JUST heard you …


Has the novelty of having home internet wore off yet? Are we done watching DMX, Master P/No Limit, rap battles, and twerk videos? Are we going to change that “last logged in 11 months ago” on Codecademy anytime soon? Are we going to draw on the Bamboo tablet and post the next comic since June 2013? Where’s the logo for FY?

While you completed 3 Tax Assessments in the 4 days you had internet I am not impressed because you’re on chapter 15. What happen to chapter 14 by October 1st?

The only good this internet is responsible for in the 4 days it’s been here is saving you from making an Eyeball Marinara sandwich at Subway.

You are behind on your scripts, and your writing in general.

Isn’t that white hurting your eyes? I’m just waiting on you to fall asleep on the keyboards so I can slam the laptop on your head.

Keyboard Pillow

The Dictionary Kid





Damn! The Apparently Kid got 21 million views: 15 from his interview; 3 from the FreshPet commercial; few millions with Ellen. The Exasperating Kid views not too shabby either. These kids had to make hundreds of thousands of dollars from YouTube. Hmmm …


George rings doorbell. Diane opens door.


Diane …



George …

Diane folds her arms and changes her facial expression of shock into disgust.


So it took Taco Bell 5 years to fix your Burrito with Flaming Hot Fritos?


You know they don’t even sell those no more? Pshh.


5 years!


Well it isn’t exactly fast food, you know.


Are you … are you trying to make light of this situation? I’m talking about 5 years since I gave birth to your son!


Sweetie, I know. And, I’m sorry. Very, very, sorry. I was scared of being a dad. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I needed to make sense of this.


And it took you 5 years to do that, George? You missed his first birthday. You missed seeing him take his first steps. You missed his first day of school. You missed everything!


Unless he’s in there dying right now, no, I haven’t. It’s only been the first 5 years of his life. And I’m standing right here and now to tell you … I want to be there for the rest of his life … and yours!


(speaks with tremble)

George …


Tells me it’s not tough raising a child on your own and I will leave right now.

George turns around and takes a step, giving the impression he’s walking away.


George … I need you!


George looks around the house and sees a book shelf. He scans the material.


Oh, you looking for the family album? It’s right here.


No, I’m looking for the dictionary. Here it is. Hmmm.

George puts index finger in middle of dictionary.


Whatever page it lands on is the word of the day. F’s. F-U-F-U-F-U-Fustigate! Means to … ahh who cares! Where’s my boy?


In his room, but George I need to tell you something about our son first.


(talks as he’s leaving room where Diane is, in search for son’s room)

Not now woman! Me and my son got some catching up to do.


A montage shows George and Little George spending father and son time together at various events. Music plays. The only dialogue heard is when George uses “fustigate” in the wrong way in a sentence, with comical effect.



George takes out camera.


Little Georgie Boy. Guess what? Daddy’s pregnant! *says in a whisper* Nah, I don’t want use that one. *back to normal volume* Little Georgie, did you know when you deleted Grandpa’s picture you killed him? He’s gone bye bye. Aww!



Little George, did you know your brother from another mother will one day … grow up?



Okayyyy. Little George, I ate all your Halloween candy!






I’m about to poke your heart!



Shit, it’s passed the one minute mark. Dammit, now I can’t go viral. Dammit, Little George! I’ve been saying Fustigate for 24 hours and you still haven’t caught on? The hell is wrong with you?!

George grabs the dictionary and beats son upside the head with it. Diane hears Little George crying and runs to his aid.




Whooping our son! He got a F in spelling.


What?! What are you talking about???


I been saying the word “Fustigate” in sentences with him since I met him. I did it at the wrestling match. The basketball game. The fair. I even whispered it in his ear for an hour last night while he slept. What the hell is wrong with him? Is he an idiot?


No, he’s deaf.

There’s awkward silence for about 10 seconds.


Did you know Taco Bell got a new burrito with Fritos? But it’s the plain ones, though. Oh, it’s still good. Trust me. And can you believe the price is one freaking dollar? OH MY GOD! They did it again! Woo, all this talk about food done got me hungry. I’m going to Taco Bell to go get  about 10 of them thangs. Y’all want something back?


Learning How To Do Taxes … Again

tax book



Dear Har-old,

Tax school.

In 2012, you had the money but enrolled in classes too late.

In 2013, you knew the start date but didn’t have the money.

This year was a repeat.


You made it!

Don’t let nothing get in the way of your studying. Keep ripping those chapters out your book and reading on your breaks at work. I want this your last year working in a warehouse. 15K minimum on April 15, 2015. What you make invest in startups and YouTube.

At least chapter 14 by October 1st. Don’t worry about if something doesn’t completely register because you’ll still have almost 2 months more to study after classes end first week of November. You passed all your tests thus far with 76 being lowest grade so you’re doing fine.

Speaking of YouTube, you might as well coincide your launch with Fight Club 2. I mean, weight has held you down this long and this past week has been a mess with buffets and fast food. At this point why not be strategic with timing? I want a year’s worth of material (48 scripts) written before launch.

Remember this? Haha!

I.R.S those my wife’s initials.

And if I cheat on her, my life is fish food.

So I’ma remain faithful, I don’t wanna fight an issue.

Cuz shiiit, look at Wesley Snipes, that nigga gotta sleep with his knife and pistol

What a mess? The United States Government they the ones who really cut the check

I be giving her a leg and arm, ouch ouch, I want her fucking head.

Tomorrow ain’t promised, the only life guarantees are death and taxes, enuff is said

A second wife, that’s a no indeed

Think about it, that’s half to her, half to her and a hole in me

Life’s a bitch but I love my bitch, baby everythang gone be okay

I used to think the government taxed people cuz they wanted to be so paid

But they used the money to build churches, schools, stores, parks, and roadways.

Now if I don’t see this new shit while I’m driving I’ma experience road rage

The flag and the White House can go up in flames and burn

If I sound like I’m speaking Spanish, I’ll break this verse down in Laymen terms.

You wrote this as a teenager. Wow!

Futuristically yours,


P.S. Does it make since to help your human dad with taxes when he didn’t let you borrow the money for classes last year, and didn’t come through again this year?

3 Reasons Why The “Heartbroken Becomes The Heartbreaker” Cycle Needs To STOP!

Orange shirts

Do you recognize one of these shirts?



Dear Har-old,

It’s the year 2014 for you. And you haven’t experienced true love as of yet. In my time it’s 2041, and you have. Between your present time and my future time you have broken hearts … and had yours broken. You know I’m strategic, and being this is my first letter to you in months, I know you deduced your first love is imminent. It is. Deeper thinker would also suggest which side of the fence you will be standing on. Reasoning would say since you know the outcome, when you meet her avoid subsequent encounters. You can do that. But it’s STILL gone happen. Unless, of course, you are inwardly detached and don’t give the relationship your all in fear of the pain of heartbreak. That’s not the way to live. This letter will protect your child-like spirit from the rigidness of the adult world. Okay. I want you to picture your dream girl (Think Janelle Monae) and imagine she just broke your heart. You are in a delicate position with a critical decision to make. Will you make it with your heart or head? You being emotional this letter will show why the head is above the heart.

Because it makes you close-minded

Did you know your heart is made out of glass? Folded arms are the heart’s bulletproof vest. However, you won’t be able to speak this body language until the heart shatters into the hardest logic puzzle EVER. Then BOOM! Someone solves it. Well … not quite! Every time they try to put the last puzzle piece in they get cut. Blood is drawn. You and your best friend have the following conversation:

Best Friend: Girl, whatever happen to Har-old? Y’all shared the same birthday; both y’all wanted the same amount of kids and had the same philosophy on to how to raise ‘em; both y’all’s ultimate goal was to have a successful business; y’all finished each other sentences. Shit! Y’all was like the male and female version of each other.

You: Girl, his favorite color was orange! That motherfucker that broke my heart favorite color was orange. I told Har-old to pick another favorite color and his stubborn ass wouldn’t do it. Sooooo *sings* I’m single and back on the prowl …

Repair your broken heart by yourself. Replace that cheap, easily breakable stuff with Gorilla/Sapphire Glass and open your arms again. It may seem like the best way to protect yourself against painful experiences is to be rigid. You will kill the playful, receptive child in you when you do. And when you do, no one will think you’re cute enough to be around.

Because you REALLY fell in love with your imagination

You just spent an abrupt yet enchanting evening with your beloved. “What’s this?” They left some sort of  Frisbee-sized, empty-centered circle behind. You call and tell them they forgot it. They say, “I’ll get it later.” Later becomes months. Now, y’all still have seen each other during this time. But the encounters were so brief and the moments so intoxicating, that by the time you remembered to say, “Don’t forget your … “ they were long gone. One day, you sit this ring-like disk in a prominent place, no matter the beautiful chaos, you won’t forget to return it. But something important happens. The circle gives you the ability to do something you couldn’t do with them standing next to you : Think. Something their overwhelming presence wouldn’t allow. Their mere association with the disk gives your imagination the required space to run wild. But something freaks you out as your thoughts become the more intense: that disk faintly glows. But you like where your thoughts are going. You don’t want to stop. Not now! Your fantasy reaches a thrilling climax. When you open your eyes you see the light, a steady light running through the disk. It’s a halo. What was once going to be given to them in their hand will now be placed on top of their head. Only after they break your heart will you realize why they weren’t in a rush to get the “halo” back … it wasn’t theirs.

Because the person who broke your heart WINS

Opposites attract. Have you noticed the difficulty for two heartbreakers to find each other even when it’s more of them in the world? And because it’s more of them, that naturally makes it harder for two innocent people to cross paths. Therefore, it’s always the innocent and the heartbreaker running into each other. When the world first started it was warm. Then the first person who got their little heart broke said, “I vow to never experience this pain again. For now on, I’m the heartbreaker.” Thus, began the “heartbroken becomes the heartbreaker” cycle. The world became cold. Why? Because no one  never said, “I like getting my heart-broken.” And you shouldn’t like it, because it’s no fun. But what is fun? Winning and maintaining your individuality. Because you lose when you become what/who you hate.

One day, a man was breaking up with his girlfriend at the park. The argument was loud enough to be heard by other park-goers. One woman in particular happened to been the original woman who broke the man’s heart. The man used the woman’s breakup monologue verbatim from 4 years ago. The woman pulled a bag of popcorn from out of her purse and sat down on a nearby bench. After the girlfriend ran off crying and the “show” was over, the woman put EVERY SINGLE heartbreaker on the world’s biggest conference call and said, “We got another one!” It’s your job to say, “FUCK A SEQUEL!”and write an original screenplay that will have your sneaky-ass EX choking on a popcorn kernel. This is YOUR movie!

Futuristically yours,



P.S. You did good on the 1st and 2nd. But now … you been fucking up! Phone off at 8. Up at 6. COME ON! COME ON!

“Why Is There A Smoke Detector In My Bedroom?” Residents of Burned Down Apartment Complex Demand Answers

misplaced smoke detector

It’s looking right over my bed. How freaking convenient?!


In August of 2013, Oscar Ozell, 23, was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the day he had – his startup had won a thousand dollar pitch contest. For the first time in his 3 year residency at 308 Eves, Ozell saw something that was out-of-place: A smoke detector in his bedroom hanging up above the entrance to his dressing room. “Why is there a smoke detector in my bedroom?” Ozell curiously said to himself. A red-light was blinking. “Am I being secretly recorded?” Ozell logically thought to himself. Ozell jumped out bed and disconnected the device from the wall to investigate its interior.

What did he find? A hidden spy camera.

Then like an application bouncing when you click it on the iDock, Ozell’s subconscious delivers a relevant thought to the forefront of his mind. “I paid my rent 18 months in advance. So, I had no reason to ever go in the leasing office. But the one time I did, this lady, Karen, knew my name. She was NOT the person I dealt with when I moved in.”

What would that mean? Ozell admits to forgetting his name when he has sex and asking his girlfriend what it is.

“First thing I did was call my girlfriend.”

“I answer the phone and hear him screaming, ‘They been watching us. They been watching us this whole entire time,’ ” says the girlfriend.

It was after-hours. The leasing office was closed. Management has gone home. And it would stay this way for 3 days being Labor Day weekend.

“I didn’t know any of my neighbors. Never got to know them good enough to be invited inside their apartment. I had to get in there. And what a good ice-breaker this was: Hey, has the temperature in your bedroom ever became so hot and steamy the smoke detector in there went off?”

Ozell befriended 3 neighbors and discovered he was not alone in having a smoke detector appropriately looking over his bed.


On Labor Day, 12 hours before Ozell and his new friends angrily marched into the leasing office, a fellow neighbor, Simon Freed, caused a massive 10-alarm fire frying fish.

The worse fire to hit Tennessee in a decade.

Over 600 people was in the eleven-storied building that night. Every single one made it out alive.

“We use to play this game as kids. If your house caught on fire and you could only save one inanimate object, what would it be and why? My cellphone,” said Ozell.

His answer to why is the above photo, which after the destruction of 216 apartment units, was the only evidence that could have implicated 308 Eves.

Because of that photo, management was handed tough prison sentences.

Because of that photo, the displaced tenants were rewarded all their rent and utility money from the time they moved in to their last payments.

Because of that photo, Ozell and friends had the money to move into homes where the smoke detector is conveniently stored in the kitchen.


Built on top:

  • Real life experience

Let’s play a game: If your house caught on fire and you could save only one inanimate object, what would it be and why?


The Plot Twist in the Ferguson, Michael Brown Shooting No One Saw Coming


Note: You have to be familiar with small details in the case to get the best reading experience.




 (stands atop Mine Resistant Protected Vehicle with loudspeaker) If you are not credential media, you need to disperse immediately or you will be subject to arrest.


This our house! We not going nowhere!


With the exception of the media, you need to disperse or you will be subject to arrest. Please go home now.


We not moving! This our city! (kneels down with hands in the air and kisses the pavement)

*About 200 officers in gas masks and holding full-length shields gradually advance towards the scant crowd with the Mine Resistant Protected Vehicle slowly driving in-between them*


*Camera shows officers escorting several men handcuffed with white plastic-ties to nearby police vans*



(walks to where the media is stationed) Please leave the area for public safety. 2 people have been shot.


 The media too?


 Yes, everyone. 2 people were shot. This is a public safety concern.


 Are they okay?


 They’re still alive.


Who were they shot by?


Not by us!

*SCREEN BRIEFLY BLACKS OUT BEFORE SHOWING A WHITE SCREEN OF SOMEONE TYPING A NEW TWEET. IT READS “I’m worried about the implications of police limiting the media here now for ‘safety.’ #Ferguson” SCREEN BRIEFLY BLACKS OUT AGAIN BEFORE SHOWING A WHITE SCREEN OF ANOTHER PERSON TYPING A NEW TWEET. IT READS, “Wait. So now they are removing the press from the area? THEY ARE REMOVING THE WITNESSES?! #Ferguson.”*




More breaking news from out of Ferguson this morning. Police shot and killed another unarmed black teen last night during their street sweep. This all happened after police told us, the media, that we had to leave the area for our safety after someone was shot. We cannot confirm if the person that was killed last night was one of the 2 gunshot victims police told us about. But we do believe it was a different person because the officer assured us the 2 gunshot victims were NOT shot by police. (sighs) If they had body cameras this would not be an issue. But because they didn’t we will never know the truth.




Darren Wilson, the white police officer that killed Michael Brown, the unarmed black teenager, has been arrested this afternoon.



What are you in for?


 (eyes water up) I WAS a small business owner. Because of the violent protesting and overwhelming police presence, customers went elsewhere. I was losing a thousand dollars a day before I had to just cut my losses and board the place up. I wanted revenge. (cries)


 I’m so sorry to hear that.


 What are you in for?


I lost my job because of the curfew. I worked the graveyard shift. When I tried to leave midnight Saturday for work, troopers pulled me over and told me to go back home. I told my boss but he didn’t understand and fired me. Said I signed a contract that said I cannot request time off for the first 30 days. I just started last Wednesday. I wanted revenge too. What about you?


I’m from California. I’m an anarchist. I came down as a plant.


What do you mean?


 To blend in with the so-called “peaceful” protestors, although, I’m white. I wanted to incite more police brutality against minorities. You see, I don’t believe in marching and parading around with signs. If you want change, everlasting change, then you have to precede it with chaos.


(jumps up) It’s because of you I lost my business.


Calm down!


It’s because of you 15 hard years went down the drain in 7 days.


Calm down!


It’s because of you I have to find another way to feed my kids!


 You see, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.


 (pulls back to launch a punch)


 (holds him back)


*2 officers escort Darren Wilson to prison cell*


 You’re locking him up in here?


The Occupation Act allows for non-segregation of law enforcement officials and civilians. No matter if they killed an unarmed black civilian you can throw said official in the same holding cell with the unarmed black civilian’s relatives and friends. (smirks)

*Guy 2 and Guy 3 are still arguing*


 Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! You might want to save your energy.

*Camera spans across the shocked faces of the 78 inmates*


 (Pushes Darren Wilson in the cell) Have fun!





 Breaking News from The Ferguson Police Department. Darren Wilson, the officer who shot and killed the unarmed teenager Michael Brown has been killed in prison.




(gets out car) (walks up to building)

*Wide-view camera angle shows the architecture of the building. Camera zooms in on the flag at the top bearing the company’s name, Mics Dare Win Technologies.*



 Hi, I’m Reginald Tapper with Time Magazine and I’m here to talk to the CEO about the company’s success after the Darren Wilson, Mike Brown incident. Because of what happened a few months back, Obama has made body cameras standard on the uniform of law enforcement and all police departments that didn’t comply were shut down. And because y’all are the only company that sells these body cameras and this uploading software, y’all have profited tremendously and monopolized the entire market. And y’all’s daring presence on a street that had protestor, police clashes, businesses shutting down, has turned Ferguson into a booming economy. It’s the only sunshine in a otherwise dark story.


 Thank you so much! But I’m sorry, you can’t meet the CEO’s.


There’s 2 of them?




Why can’t I see them? I have my credentials.


 I understand. Well … they’re never here. I haven’t even met them. I’ve been working here for 3 months and have never seen them, heard their voice on any conference call, or anything.


What about any other employee?


I doubt it.


 Who do y’all take orders from then?


Every morning we walk in the door there’s always an agenda book mysteriously laid out on the counter.


That’s weird. Well thanks, anyway. (heads towards exit).




I’m sorry I have to walk all over the floor while you’re mopping it.


 I accept your apology only if you’re not secretly hiding your wings in your jacket. (laughs)


 (laughs) Hey, you look familiar. Were you around a few months back when that stuff happened?


 Yeah, I got arrested for protesting.


 That’s probably where I know you from. From watching the news. Is it true that none of you know who the CEO’s of this place is?


No, and the way things have ran, we probably never will.


 What you mean?


I mean, how many companies you know are able to thrive without the physical presence of its leader? Profits are up, employees are well-paid and well-behaved. Communication from the top to the bottom … me … is phenomenal. I just want to meet the CEO’s just once … to shake their hands. But I doubt they want to take that glass with the umbrella straw out of their hand to shake little ole mines.




 Yeah, they’re probably on an everlasting vacation somewhere.


*Sweeping aerial camera view of beach shows people playing in the sand and water*

*Camera creeps behind a person sitting on a beach chair reading a newspaper. It’s their POV. Camera zooms in on paper’s headline, “Mics Dare Win Profits Continue To Soar.”*


(opens newspaper) (closes newspaper) (sits newspaper on nearby table) (sits police badge on top of newspaper to keep it from flying away)


(opens newspaper) (closes newspaper) (sits newspaper on nearby table) (sits a red Cardinals baseball cap on top of newspaper to keep it from flying away)



The Controversial Remake Of The “Apparently” Kid’s Viral Video

Apparently Kid on his motorcycle

John Borowski, Noah Ritter’s grandfather, and Sofia Ojeda, the reporter that interviewed Noah at the Wayne County Fair are suing the creators behind a remake of the “Apparently Kid” viral video. In it, at the 37-second-mark, a little girl wearing a Peace shirt appears on camera saying “Hi” and tries to get the attention of the reporter. Just like in the real video. At the 47-second mark, a “Bruce Leroy glow” appears around the body of the child actor playing Noah Ritter. The little girl actor who has said “hi” 17 more times since then gets smacked out the way by the reporter, who yells, “Get a personality, bitch!” At the minute and 30-second mark, the actor playing Noah’s grandfather gets arrested. A team of FBI agents accuse him of kidnapping his grandson because of the “strange” behavior he displayed while the camera was on Noah. One of the FBI agents says, “Why did you keep tapping him on his shoulder, like let’s go? Why are you in such a rush? You don’t need the PowerBall. This video is about to go viral. You have to be a kidnapper for not letting him talk more.” After the FBI rushes the grandfather away, to the satisfaction of the fans who wanted to hear Noah talk more, the fantasy interview goes on for 3 minutes longer than the real one. The video had 326,433 views before it was removed on YouTube for violating their child abuse policy.

UPDATE: Sofia Ojeda has released a formal statement: “I have never abused a child like what was depicted of ‘me’ in  RntP8_e9ZvlO0oru63cbQ’s recreation video. Especially one I gave birth to. Yes, that little girl in the video with Noah was actually my daughter. If you listened closely, you could hear me call her honey. Why would I call someone else’s daughter that? Furthermore, to address people who’ve  said I ignored her, I will be giving her an interview asking about her experience at the fair then upload it to YouTube. She has tons of personality! Stay tuned!”

Built on top:

  • The attention-seeking little girl; the rushing of the grandfather

When you learn a new word do you try to incorporate it in your vocabulary by saying it often in sentences, even ones where it doesn’t make sense?

Anonymous Blogging Gone Wrong: Drunk Woman Reveals the Rest of the Letters in her Boyfriend’s Name (And Shows Pic)

Screenshot of Futuristically Yours homepage


A woman who was once making $10,000 a month from her anonymous blog is now making 17 cents per month after a fan exposed her lie in a revealing photo.

Kadence, formerly known as K, woke up March 30th in the afternoon with a severe headache. She had a hang-over. The vile smell coming from her blouse confirmed it. But she was confused. The reason for her drinking was lying next to her in bed, Jasper, formerly known as J. Her boyfriend. Did they instantly make-up after their bad fight last night?

“I was trying to collect my thoughts. I look across the room and see two things an author of an anonymous blog never wants to see sitting RIGHT next to each other: A bottle of Tequila and a laptop,” wrote Kadence in a post titled, IWasDrunk, and ANGRY, and Stoopid … and Blogging. She wrote, “I jumped out of bed in a panic, run to the computer and start shaking it. Then I realized this isn’t a little sister whose in a deep-sleep and is about to be late for school. It’s a touch-sensitive machine. I slide my finger across the trackpad and couldn’t believe my eyes. The man who was laying in my bed was on my computer screen. I deleted the post and kicked him out my apartment half-naked.”

But it was too late.

Despite the scathing 2,000 word post being published at 3AM it was shared on Facebook 83 times, on Twitter 27 times, and had 78 comments. One follower replied, “When I saw the preview of the post in my email I thought the pic was an advertisement from Google. But when I clicked the ‘read more‘ link and saw the same pic I still thought it was an advertisement, as K has lots of them on her blog. Out of a thousand-something posts with no images it just had to be. However, when I read the post I was shocked to find out that was the protagonist of her posts. He wasn’t a faceless letter anymore. He had a picture and a name.”

For the next 3 weeks Kadence would unsuccessfully try to turn her anonymous blog into a “regular” one, but fans clamored that she lost her writing edge because she didn’t want to offend Jasper, who she reconciled with and knew was reading her blog now. They threatened to take their traffic elsewhere. Realizing she never posted her own photo or revealed the rest of the letters in her name during the blog transformation and could go anonymous again, she did so. In her first anonymous post back, she claimed, “I broke up with Jasper, formerly known as J, and found me a new beau, K. I know, right! We’re twinees! But ladies … he is an A in bed. OMG!” She goes on to detail her reasons for breaking up with Jasper, saying he punched her.

The renewed anonymous blog thrived. Traffic peaked in the month of June with a million site visits. Advertising revenue was going through the roof. Fans was leaving comments, saying her posts were “better than ever.”

Then …

A fan, Hans Reznor, saw Jasper in public with some girl.

“I was at the movies, standing in line, and saw this dude who looked familiar. I  tried recalling where I knew him from. Suddenly, I got a comment notification from one of my friends on K’s blog AND THEN IT HIT ME! I looked in my gallery. I had saved J’s pic on my phone. I kept looking at my phone, looking at him, looking at my phone, looking at him. IT WAS J! And I just assumed the girl he was with was his NEW girlfriend. Then out of nowhere, a girl who I haven’t talked to in a whole freaking year texts me. AND THEN IT  HIT ME AGAIN! What if the girl who J is standing with is K?!?! I had no way of knowing because I didn’t know what she looked like. She never posted a pic. I had to think of something quick because the line was moving. I kept shouting out the letter K but left pauses in-between because some black people was standing behind me. The girl J was with kept looking back. But that could have just been a coincidence. Then right when I’m about to lose them to the movie theater it happened. When Jasper and the girl was at the counter paying for the movie, the lady at the register looked at the girl’s card and ID and said, ‘I got a sister named Kadence.’ BOOM! I whipped out my phone, snapped a good clear picture of them together, and ran home. I didn’t even want to see The Purge no more.”

Reznor posted the picture on Facebook, Twitter, and in the comment section of Kadence’s most recent posts. Fans were outraged and felt a sense of betrayal. They rallied on social media and promised to fulfill their earlier threat of taking their traffic elsewhere. Within a month JKDoesntStandForJustKidding.com was doing 24 views a day. A far cry from the 250,000 monthly visits Kadence was averaging.

In a post titled, I Should’ve Waited ‘Til It Came Out On DVD she wrote,

“For the first time in 6 years I am looking for a job. A job I know I will hate. A job that will make me hate Monday’s. A job with rats and robots. A job I may very well be at forever BECAUSE YOU SON OF BITCHES TOOK THE JOB I LOVE AWAY FROM ME! I WISH I KNEW WHO YOU Y’ALL WERE SO WHEN THE PURGE BECOMES REAL I CAN KILL YOUR ASSES! I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Who’s going to read it? My mom?! Fuck her!!! My damn boyfriend rubbed more salt on my wounds by breaking up with me. FOR REAL THIS TIME YOU BASTARDS!”

In a surprising twist of events, Jasper has started his own blog, JStandsForJealousy, and reveals he masterminded the whole thing. On the About page he wrote,

You may know my ex-girlfriend, Kadence, formerly known as K. She had one of the most popular anonymous blogs on the internet, which brought in thousands of dollars in advertising revenue. Here I am working a crap job while she gets to sit home and write for a living. I was jealous. I had my own little blog on WordPress that no one gave a damn about. I asked Kadence, who had a degree in marketing could she help me with it and she claimed she didn’t know anything about marketing a blog. She lied to me to cover up she had a widely successful blog, of which I was the star of. That’s why I don’t feel remorse about my actions. That night we had our argument, a slip of the tongue revealed she had some big, popular blog. I pretended to not hear what she said and changed the subject of the arguing. She never got drunk. It was me. I set it all up. While she slept I spilled alcohol on her blouse. I gave her the headache by kicking her out of bed and making her hit her head on the floor. She was a deep-sleeper. I positioned the Tequila next to her lap-top. I knew all her passwords. She used the same one for each account. So, all I had to do was go to each blogging platform and type it in until one worked. Once it became clear to me that I was the star these people were coming to this site to read about I wanted more control. All of these posts talked about how bad I was in bed and her adventures with other men because of it infuriated me. I wanted revenge. I wanted the proper representation. So, I wrote a post about me. Nothing really changed. I talked bad about myself like she would have done. I can be self-deprecating. But I made it look like she was so plastered while she was writing, she addressed me by my name and showed off embarrassing pics of me. It was believable. And that fan that saw us in public? A friend of mines she never met. She didn’t even want to go to the movies that night. I had to drag her to the theater. She lied to y’all about how bad I was in bed so women will stay away from me and men would laugh at me. She lied about us breaking up and her dating a new letter so she could profit off the traffic you provided her. Well, to the people who have been deceived in the blogging community, I present my truth. A face with a name. This is my story in my own words. This is my jealousy.

JStandsForJealousy.com has been viewed 157,372 times since it was started 2 weeks ago.

Built on top:

  • Wanting to write a sequel to this

What topics would you blog about if you had an anonymous blog and wouldn’t be held accountable for?

Itching Powder Sprinkled On Man’s Gun Tattoo Makes Trigger Squeeze, Killing Him

gun tat

A close-up of Michael Smith’s gun tattoo


A Madison police officer will not face criminal charges in the fatal shooting of 41-year-old Michael Smith, the man with the life-sized tattoo of a handgun on his stomach, according to court records.

For the afternoon of July 21st, surveillance footage shows Smith feeding Canada Geese on the Oakland Town Beach when two masked men attacked him from behind. The footage shows one of the men pulling Smith’s shirt over his head, temporarily blinding him, while the other man repeatedly punched Smith in the face. One of the men took a gold packet out of his pocket and sprinkled its contents on Smith’s defenseless body. The footage then shows the two men fleeing the scene with Smith’s shirt in their possession. 3 minutes and 29 seconds later, the surveillance footage shows Smith struggling to stand. He stumbled out of the camera’s eye and into the first person that could’ve helped him, but unfortunately mistook Smith’s yelling for a threat and his tattoo for a real gun.

“I was standing in front of the [cop] car, using the hood to write tickets. All of a sudden, I hear someone screaming. I turn around and see this shirtless, wild-looking guy charging at me about to pull a gun from his waistband. I perceived danger. My instincts kicked in. It’s only one thing you do in that kind of situation. You survive,” said officer Brett Lowell. “I didn’t realize it was a tattoo until I tried kicking the gun away from his body.”

A nearby witness who recognized Smith from past media stories (see below) yelled, “Stop! You’re kicking him in the stomach. That’s a tattoo! Stop! That’s Mike! Michael Smith!”

Officer Lowell was cleared of any wrongdoing when medical examiners discovered the contents of that gold packet the masked men poured on Smith’s stomach was itching powder, which caused Smith to scratch the gun tattoo, appearing as if he was gripping the handle of a firearm.

Investigators said this was a calculated assault and personal for the attackers. Smith had 1,000 dollars in his pockets.


Built on top:


If you saw a shirtless man charging at you yelling, rubbing what appears to be a gun from a distance, what would you do?

Security Guard Apartment Complex Hired To Patrol Pool Pees In It


pool notice

Leasing manager, Lisa Bannister, sat down Monday morning to review the weekend’s cameras. What she saw was “unbelievable.” Video of the security guard her apartment complex, 308 Eves, hired to patrol the pool “passing water” in it.

“It was shocking. We hired him because the number of people the camera showed in the pool clashed with the number of people who scanned their pass to unlock the pool’s gate. We didn’t know if they were residents who forgot to come by the office to get their pass or people off the street.”

WFTV caught up with the now fired security guard. “How you hire someone to stay in one place for hours and don’t have a restroom for them to use? I took myself on a tour of the grounds. Laundry room; empty room; storage room; empty room. I went into their fitness center and asked this guy working out was there any restrooms. He said, ‘In your apartment.’ I don’t live here. I work here. I didn’t know any of the residents personally and I didn’t want to risk leaving the premises. I drunk a 2 Liter of purple stuff. I had to go!,” the security guard told reporters.

308 Eves said they will turn one of their empty lobby rooms into a bathroom-for-guests before they hire their next security guard.

Built on top of: 

  • I was the guy working out

If you was the security guard, would you asked a resident to use their bathroom, went to a nearby store, or pee’d in the pool? Explain your answer.