Why Don’t People Smile In Their Selfies? This App Wants To Change That

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Read the 2nd comment

Besides smartphone screen sizes bigger than their holder’s head and creepy Post-it notes on the mirror, app developer Brad Madalone noticed something strange about the selfie phenomenon: People rarely smiled in these pictures. However, when he observed this same group smile in photos taken by someone else, he had an idea. This past March, Madalone launched Helpie, a selfie app that snaps a pic of you every time you smile at your phone. As may be expected, smiling is the first thing you are required to do upon installing so Helpie’s facial recognition software can work its magic. The prompt asks you to produce two versions of a smile: A toothy one and a closed mouth one. The convenience of the app lies in it not just snapping pics without letting you get prepared. It gives you 3 seconds to strike a pose then it says Cheese!

While some love the randomness of the app, there are those who create several fake Google Play accounts giving it bad reviews. One man, 20-year-young Andrew Sniles is even suing Madalone and Helpie for making him unhappy in life. “I use to be the most positive person you would ever meet. Ask my friends. Then when I heard about this app I thought it was cool. I mean, I’m always taking selfies. I got all the other selfie apps like FrontBack and Shots, so why not. I started getting annoyed at the app taking all these pics of me when I smiled at text messages from my girlfriend or when I read Onion articles on my phone. It was even taking pictures when I was laughing. I thought it was just for smiles? Instead of uninstalling it I just started frowning at my phone. No matter how cute a text was or how adorable a kitten was I just frowned. This eventually crossed over into the real world. My friends started making up excuses not to hang out with me. My girlfriend dumped me. Even my baby sister cries when I go pick her up. She don’t even reach her little arms out for me to hold her anymore. I didn’t know what was wrong with me until I looked in the mirror and saw my facial expression was stuck on a frown. This app has destroyed my life!”

At press time, Madalone couldn’t be reached for comment regarding the lawsuit.

Built on top of:
•Smiling at a person’s text more than their face

Do you find yourself smiling at your phone more than a person?

Subscribe to my Youtube channel

Everybody’s Doing It … Now It’s My Turn! You Won’t Believe What’s FINALLY About To Be Posted And How You Can Help Get More Of It

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Before the month of April is out, I will carefully choose an old poem from one of my poetry books (I have 3) and post it. If the poem receives at least 15 “likes” in a 24 hour period I will make poetry the official 5th concept of FY, something I’ve been reluctant to do because EVERYONE does it … but not quite like me! You’ll see! #10syllables

Be on the lookout for the excerpt of Passport Bear on May 4, 2014 at 7:45AM CENTRAL

My next reverse self letter is entitled, 3 Reasons Why A Man Without Kids Should Date A Single Mother

Subscribe to my YouTube channel

Passport Bear News … And More!

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On May 4, 2014, the one year anniversary of the Passport Bear page I will post an excerpt from Scene One. Which means it won’t be the whole scene. Nevertheless, this excerpt will be a touching piece that foreshadows what happens next. I wrote Passport Bear for ONE person, who still hasn’t read Passport Bear in its entirety, but got a chance to read the aforementioned excerpt. I don’t expect for anyone but that person who Passport Bear was exclusively written for to get any of the riddles or the hint to what happens next after the excerpt. I’m only posting this because that person has already read it. I will leave the excerpt posted for up to 3 days then delete it. The schedule is 7:30AM CENTRAL May 4, 2014.

My next reverse-self-letter is titled 3 Reasons Why A Man Without Kids Should Date A Single Mother. It will touch on my philosophy regarding the advantage a single mother (with one child) has over a childless woman and why someone like ME would date them. Posting sometime this week.

If you was a big fan of the Lizzie Bennet diary on Youtube and the movie Fight Club then you will love my channel. Sorry I haven’t kept the comment section updated with my progress, but know I’m working on making this the best drama on Youtube constantly. I will delete the page before I upload the 1st video so sub here.

You do not want to miss this!

Oh! I’m still looking for new authors for the letters, Future News, Episodes and ESPECIALLY Comics. Because of no internet on laptop I been operating on WordPress app and it doesn’t have option to invite new contributors.

*temp post*

Company Bans App To Cut Down On Employees Taking Extra Breaks

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I spent $21.43 this morning at Taco Bell. That Waffle Taco though!

MEMPHIS, TN—32 Williams-Sonoma employees were fired this past Friday for refusing to uninstall a popular nature app from their phone.

When instructed by security to go through what they perceived to be the metal detectors of old WITH their phone, workers were certain they was gone hear beeps, however, when it went off for only 53 out of 109 people, everyone was scratching their heads. Management informed the confounded shift that what they actually walked through was an app detector – a metal detector for phones that goes off when a certain app is installed. Which in this case was Akatu Take A Extra Break. In 2012, Akatu made headlines when they released Akatu Fake Shower, an app that simulated sounds of running faucet or shower water to mask “taking your kids to the pool.” Conversely, they released the former app in October 2013 to “unmask your kids cannon balling in the water.” According to Vinicius Porto, CEO of PorQueNao?, the firm responsible for bringing both Akatu apps to market, “We’ve received several reviews on our Fake Shower app with people saying while they thank us for making them feel more comfortable using public restrooms, there are those ‘special’ moments they want to impress upon people their stomach is hurting. Like their boss! So, instead of calling in sick and fake coughing, with Take A Extra Break you can actually give them proof with auditory and olfactory.” Concerning the former, the app comes with pre-recorded grunts expressing effort. In a blog post, Akatu said in the next update to the app they will give consumers the ability to use their own toiletry sounds. In reference to the latter, Akatu ships out a can of spray to app downloaders of 30 days. The spray is “artificial” anus gas and defecation they dubbed, “Air MESSenger.”

Williams-Sonoma doesn’t like the message Akatu is sending their employees.

When lead manager, Rose Gold, went to the lavatory at 3:30PM Central time on Thursday, it was teeming with running shoes underneath stall doors. She walked a couple of feet to their other ladies’ room, and same thing. With only 2 restrooms in the 17,400 square feet warehouse she was forced to wait. After 20 minutes had passed, she became impatient and curiously asked the ladies behind the doors outloud, “What’s going on in there?” Mrs. Gold said she would have said something at the 10 minute mark but gave them more time out of sympathy because it sounded like their stomachs was hurting. Mrs. Gold said she had to step outside the restroom until they finished because the “funny smells” started to make her belly ache too, and that’s when she became hip to what was truly going on. “When one of the girls came out, who I knew was on the toilet because she had on these loud pink boots with this gold jewelry wrapped around them, asked me did I need to use her phone. I said, why would I? She said, ‘To use this shitty app.’ I asked, what it do? She showed me how it works and subsequently fired her damn self for being so stupid. She must didn’t know I was a manager ’cause my name Rose Gold. She had to be new! I went back in both them restrooms and fired everybody from door number 1 to door number 16.” Witnesses say Mrs. Gold was so angry (partly due to a REAL brown stain on the buttocks of her khakis for waiting so long) she even stormed in the men’s restroom handing out pink slips.

Williams-Sonoma acknowledges the popularity of the nature app within the company stems from the unpopular decision to combine employees last 15 minute break with their lunch, thus making them work 5 hours straight. “I like that my lunch 45 minutes but I regret that Taco Bell soon as my feet start hurting,” said, an anonymous worker who stands in the same spot for 10 straight hours. To prevent employees from taking unsanction breaks around 3, Williams-Sonoma announced Friday that they will be going back to the 15-30-15 minute format. Furthermore, to enforce their “no cellphones in bathroom” policy they have gave their 5 person janitor service 2 weeks paid vacation and put metal magnets underneath the bathroom floors.

Williams-Sonoma is investigating how long the app has been in use by looking at their on-floor cameras dating back to the day after the unpopular decision was made to the day before the mass firing to see how many associates left their station at 3PM, the time the last 15 minute break would have been.

Built on top of:
•True events

What do you think of them making lunch longer at the expense of not getting your last 15 minute break?

Watching Other People Eat April Fools Prank

*breakroom chatter*

March 29, 2014

Dominic – Hey Gerald, you want one of my chicken tenders?
Gerald – Nah, I’m okay.
Dominic – You sure?
Gerald – Yeah, I’m sure.
Dominic – Come on, man, take 3 of these french fries.
Gerald – It’s too much salt on it. Next time.

March 30, 2014

Debra – Hey Gerald, I got some chips and tuna I haven’t touched yet. Want it?
Gerald – Oooh cheddar cheese … my favorite … uhhh thanks but no thanks.
Debra – Sure?
Gerald – Yeah I’m sure. I’m on a diet.

March 31, 2014

Marie – *slides a yogurt and plastic fork across the table*
Gerald – Aww! I appreciate this. I really do but I don’t want it. I’m okay. Really.
Marie – It’s yours.
Gerald – I appreciate it but I won’t be finish in time. I gotta get back on the floor. *slides the yogurt and fork across table and leaves*
Marie – Come on …

April 1, 2014

Trevor – Now I know everyone is wondering why I gathered you here for this impromptu meeting. So let me get right into it because I don’t know how much longer Kyle can distract Gerald. We got 5 minutes until lunch. Okay, Gerald has worked here for 6 months and no one has ever seen him eat on lunchbreak. He just sits there and watch us.
Some guy in back – Makes me uncomfortable.
Some other guy – I know! It’s awkward as heck! He can at least pretend to be looking at his phone …
Some girl – Or bring a book!
Some other guy – … but he just stares at us eating with no shame!
Trevor – Yes. And I’m sure over the last 6 months everyone in this room has offered to share their food with Gerald at one time or another.
Debra – Nobody turns down Aunt D tuna and lives to tell about it.
Trevor – I have deduced Gerald is addicted to porn … food porn. And he gets off watching other people eat!
Laura – Oh my God!
Trevor – Today is April Fools and we’re going to get him back for using our lip smacking and straw sucking for his sick pleasure.
Tawonda – Have you noticed he don’t get up like everybody else to clock back in for lunch?
Martha – Un-huh I know why he can’t stand up. Un-huh. I know why.
Avery – Now I think about it … that wasn’t a cough. He was moaning.
Laura – Oh my God!
Trevor – I gave Gerald $10 yesterday and told him to use it for his lunch today. He said he was gone get Subway. Now I want everybody to hide their lunch and when he sits down to eat, we all just gone stare at him seductively licking our lips.
Kenny – Haha. This good!
Kyle – *runs in breakroom* Okay, y’all he’s coming. He’s right behind me.
Trevor – POSITIONS!
Gerald – *walks into breakroom* Sup everybody! Look what I got! Haha! Subway! Pepperoni Meatball Marinara and peanut butter cookies. Haha! Sup Debra you brought some more Tuna? Haha. *takes bite out sandwich*
Some girl – *moans*
Gerald – *thinks to self* What the … aww probably a weird cough. *takes another bite*
Some other girl – Yesssss!
Gerald – *thinks to self* Somebody asked her a question? *shrugs shoulder* *takes another bite*
Dude in back – What’s my name, girl?
Gerald – *thinks to self* He forgot his … *looks up from food*
Everybody in breakroom – *staring seductively, licking corners of mouth*
Gerald – Why the fuck everybody looking at me like that? What the hell? Where y’all lunch at??? Bruce, Kelly, Nikki, Robert? Cameron you got drool dripping on the damn table, man.
Trevor – You said you was getting a footlong but you brought in that lil’ ass 6 inch?
Some girl in back – That’s what he said!
Everybody in breakroom – *laughing*
Gerald – *runs out breakroom*

Aside

Hey Har-old, future father of the year, you know how they say you should imagine a audience naked when giving a presentation to relieve nervousness? Well, what about when you’re mad at them, upset, angry, and your inner serial killer is inspired? I got something for you … Imagine them as babies! Children make you smile, right? Happy, huh? All playful, say? Okay, put this in practice. Next time someone tries you, picture them as kids in your mind and all that bloo bloo blah blah is really goo goo dada. Try it!

Remember you can’t control people and their actions but you can control YOU AND YOUR REACTION. React to a “grown-up” as you would to a toddler. Then they can do no wrong. You can’t go wrong. This visualization is key to mastering your emotions :)

Picture People As Babies To Control Your Anger

Oversized Belt Makes Female Student Look Like She Has Penis

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“I have a vagina! Please don’t make me go back!” exclaimed 7th grader Catalina Kellen to her mom after she came home early, running away from school hands covering her crotch students was laughing and pointing at.

The first classmate to observe the strange oversized belt, Cason Addison, who also admits to being under the influence of marijuana remarked, “I was nodding off when she was presenting in front of class and was like, man her belt looks like my d**k. It was hanging. Then the way she moved across the floor made it swing back and forth. Shoop shoop shoop! I told my friend Ralph who was sitting next to me and he started laughing. Ralph then told Morgan and before you know it, the whole class was whispering about her penis belt.”

Kellen, who was so into her History presentation didn’t realize what was going on until Mr. Giles, the teacher, who caught on to what students was snickering about grabbed a pair of scissors from off his desk and snipped the hanging piece of belt. “Wooo! When he did that everybody just bursted out laughing, falling on the floor. Somebody yelled, ‘You cut off her d**k,’ ” said fellow classmate, Samantha Bines. “I was trying to make the situation better but it backfired. The class wasn’t showing Ms. Kellen no respect on a project she really put effort into and I thought I could get them to stop giggling.” However, Mr. Giles is guilty of a spontaneous chuckle himself when he realized the symbolism behind what he did. “I did not castrate her. It wasn’t even a real penis, people.”

Kellen, who has since transferred to another school, embarrassing fashion faux pas still exists at Corry Middle in a new light as a group of lesbians at the school have adopted the oversized belt look with intentions of flashing a penis in public. Said one stud, “I lost 10 pounds just so this belt would hang to my knees.”

Built on top of:
•A middle school experience

Have you ever wore a penis belt?

Happy 1 Year Anniversary Future News

Little Boy Starts House Fire Rubbing Doritos Together

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I put my Takis in the freezer

“I should have never read that stupid article,” said Ava McKenzie, as she was crying to news reporters watching firefighters spray water on her $75,000 Texas home that went up in flames because she encouraged her toddler son, Dillion McKenzie, to play with his food after reading it may help him learn.

This past December, mother McKenzie received an email alerting her of a new post from a parenting site she’s subscribed to. “I want a smart baby. So, I’m always looking for ways to impress on play dates. I saw this post about how Dillion is actually learning when he throws spaghetti sauce on the walls. I immediately ransacked the kitchen.” Mckenzie, who hasn’t gone grocery shopping in weeks was disappointed to only find junk in the ‘frig and cabinets. “We had nothing but chips and candy. So, I just gave him a couple of bags of Cool Ranch Doritos to play with.” McKenzie said she then got distracted by a phone call that made her take her eyes off Dillion for a “few” minutes. “Next thing I know I hear my baby screaming and I rushed back to the kitchen and see fire.” McKenzie managed to grab Dillion before he suffered any severe burns and tried to put out what started as a “modest” fire but flames spreaded to the other Doritos so rapidly it grew beyond control and she hightailed it out of there with a crying Dillion in her arms. From across the street, they watched in horror as their family home melted away.

Doritos and similar chips are cooked in vegetable oil and made mostly of Hydrocarbons and fat, which are both highly flammable.

The single mother of 1 blames two parties for her predicament: the reseachers at University of Iowa and Doritos.

“When it’s time for my baby to go to college, he can go to whatever school in the world he wants to go to … long as its not the University of Iowa or in the state of Iowa,” said McKenzie.

Pressured by consumers on social media that they should do something and the fact they have rewarded those in the past, Doritos issued McKenzie and family a special card that entitles her to a lifetime supply of BAKED Doritos. “What the hell me and my son suppose to do with this s**t?! Build a house of chips?! We need a muthaf**king place to stay!”

Built on top of:
• A Tweet

Should the college and Doritos do something for them?

How A Face Tattoo Will Get You Your Dream Job

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Har-old, do you know the REAL reason Daylyt got a face tattoo? He did it so he couldn’t get a job. He called it no longer being locked in the Matrix. Now I’m not suggesting you get a Spawn tattoo on your mug, however, I am suggesting going to similar extremes that FORCE entrepreneurship on you. That will allow you to be your own boss. To do whatever you like. Free yourself from the rat race by purposely losing it.

Now, what will be your extreme?

How To Gradually Live Without Your Phone In 5 Simple Steps

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Steak, Egg, and Cheese with Seasoned Fries

Dear Har-old,

Remember that quandary you found yourself in late February where you was gone be without a cellphone until you got “William H. Macy” back? Which, by the way, was gone take over a week. That was an opportunity. An opportunity to take a much needed vacation from your distracting cellphone. Something you didn’t get until you was, what, 20? Yet, it’s become your sixth finger like it’s been with you since twelve. *sigh* It’s the year 2040 and I don’t own a damn cellphone. I know what you thinking … “How did the Android get its Humanity back? I did it in 5 simple steps.

Turn your phone off an hour before bed

Har+new : Why are you sleeping with your phone?
Har-old : I use it for …
Har+new : Why, when you have an ACTUAL alarm clock?
Har-old : Yeah, but …
Har+new : Is it because you don’t wanna disrupt that comfortable sleeping position it took 5 minutes of tossing and turning to find by walking your lazy ass across the room to unwrap the cord from around the alarm clock to plug it up?
Har-old : Well …
Har+new : Or is it ’cause your phone have better alarm sounds than Ant! Ant! Ant! ?
Har-old : Wait …
Har+new : Shut up! You’re never going to be a part of the 6AM Club if you don’t turn off your phone an hour before bed. DO IT!

Stop being cellphone crazy

Har-old : Hey, you wanna have a debate?
Har+new : Ooooh about Malaysia Jet theories?
Har-old : Who cares about that? I mean, like which one you think is better … Android or iPhone?
Har+new : How about I have detectives debating about your mysterious disappearance? Giggity!

Next scene …

Har+new : Why are you holding your phone like that?
Har-old : I’m taking a picture of you.
Har+new : *smacks phone out hand* Buy a damn camera!

Next scene …

Har+new : Gee! I hope I didn’t give you low self esteem. Why are you looking down like that?
Har-old : Oh no! I’m texting!
Har+new : *smacks phone out hand* Write them a damn letter.

Next scene …

Har+new : So you so mad at me you gone talk to your phone now?
Har-old : No, I’m Facetiming.
Har+new : *raises hand*
Har-old : *flinches*
Har+new : *thinks to self* Witnesses!

Continue reading

Aside

Har-old, you remember 5 years ago when you shared with co-workers how economical you are with your finances then they asked, “Why are you saving money? Is it for a car? A house? School? A hooker?” Like, you need a reason to save money! Like, you can’t do it just because, you know. Just because it’s fun! Fun to see your bank account getting impressive. Fun to see that lonely dollar grow up to become a devishly handsome billion dollar bill. I love the answer you gave them. “I don’t know. I don’t have a reason right now. I’m sure the future me will thank me.” Haha! Thank you!

P.S. How To Gradually Live Without Your Phone is coming. I’m still working on it. I see you taking advantage of the delay by still staying up late smdh.

Why Are You Saving Money?

Writing Letters By Hand

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Dear Har-old,

I wrote this letter by hand and mailed it out to you. But I also typed it out so you can read it now.

This cannot wait!

You don’t have to read the mailed letter when it arrives. In fact, you may not be able to.

The handwriting indecipherable. The style bizarre. The spelling shaky.

I’m worried about you.

And I just want you to see it in the crooked lines, the undotted I’s, the uncrossed T’s, the unclosed O’s.

I’m sorry for not writing you in 5 months. I know you concluded it to me being “busy.” Remember when I took my 1st hiatus from writing you and I said I would always have time for you? Well, it’s true! Please don’t be upset with me when I say this, but these past 5 months have been deliberate. *flinch* Please don’t hurt me! Please! I know you’re gonna blame me for your transgressions since October. Trust me, you don’t know how many times I wanted to step in and save you from a possible demise. We are one, you know.

I cannot take it anymore!

I’m back!

And this is really the gist of this letter. You just needed to read my words again. To know I still care about you. That I, the future you, is still burning bright.

You are bleeding. Leaking. I need to patch your wounds up. There is no coincidence about you falling apart in my absence.

I’ve read old letters and feel like I know what the disconnect is. Majority of them are more bread than meat. That’s why subsequent ones will be of actionable intelligence. Like in a list style. Steps to executing the ideas and thus bringing us closer. The 1st of these is titled How To Gradually Live Without Your Phone. You will notice these new letters to have a more personal tone as I will write them by hand first.

Paper and pen is doing it with love :)

FY,

Har+new

P.S. No matter if it’s 10 or a thousand words, I will write you. Sometimes I get caught up in length being quality. Well, no more! Shorter letters will also allow me to write you more. Another thing I get caught up in is writing for a broader audience when the letters say DEAR HAR-OLD. Make no mistake about it, you are my biggest reader. I do not care for their “likes” and comments. For now on, there won’t be guesses to who I’m writing for.