Hands Up, Don’t Shoot!

 

FADE IN

EXT. WEST FLORISSANT AVENUE IN FERGUSON, MISSOURI – NIGHT

POLICE OFFICER

 (stands atop Mine Resistant Protected Vehicle with loudspeaker) If you are not credential media, you need to disperse immediately or you will be subject to arrest.

CIVILIAN

This our house! We not going nowhere!

POLICE OFFICER

With the exception of the media, you need to disperse or you will be subject to arrest. Please go home now.

CIVILIAN 2

We not moving! This our city! (kneels down with hands in the air and kisses the pavement)

*About 200 officers in gas masks and holding full-length shields gradually advance towards the scant crowd with the Mine Resistant Protected Vehicle slowly driving in-between them*

*SCREEN BLACKS OUT*

*Camera shows officers escorting several men handcuffed with white plastic-ties to nearby police vans*

*SCREEN BLACKS OUT*

POLICE OFFICER

(walks to where the media is stationed) Please leave the area for public safety. 2 people have been shot.

DON LEMON

 The media too?

POLICE OFFICER

 Yes, everyone. 2 people were shot. This is a public safety concern.

DON LEMON

 Are they okay?

POLICE OFFICER

 They’re still alive.

DON LEMON

Who were they shot by?

POLICE OFFICER

Not by us!

*SCREEN BRIEFLY BLACKS OUT BEFORE SHOWING A WHITE SCREEN OF SOMEONE TYPING A NEW TWEET. IT READS “I’m worried about the implications of police limiting the media here now for ‘safety.’ #Ferguson” SCREEN BRIEFLY BLACKS OUT AGAIN BEFORE SHOWING A WHITE SCREEN OF ANOTHER PERSON TYPING A NEW TWEET. IT READS, “Wait. So now they are removing the press from the area? THEY ARE REMOVING THE WITNESSES?! #Ferguson.”*

*SCREEN BLACKS OUT FOR 35 SECONDS. A TOTAL OF 17 GUNSHOTS ARE HEARD IN THE DURATION*

INT. CNN NEWS ROOM – DAY

DON LEMON

More breaking news from out of Ferguson this morning. Police shot and killed another unarmed black teen last night during their street sweep. This all happened after police told us, the media, that we had to leave the area for our safety after someone was shot. We cannot confirm if the person that was killed last night was one of the 2 gunshot victims police told us about. But we do believe it was a different person because the officer assured us the 2 gunshot victims were NOT shot by police. (sighs) If they had body cameras this would not be an issue. But because they didn’t we will never know the truth.

*6 HOURS LATER*

INT. CNN NEWS ROOM – AFTERNOON

DON LEMON

Darren Wilson, the white police officer that killed Michael Brown, the unarmed black teenager, has been arrested this afternoon.

INT. FERGUSON POLICE DEPARTMENT – AFTERNOON

GUY 1

What are you in for?

GUY 2

 (eyes water up) I WAS a small business owner. Because of the violent protesting and overwhelming police presence, customers went elsewhere. I was losing a thousand dollars a day before I had to just cut my losses and board the place up. I wanted revenge. (cries)

GUY 1

 I’m so sorry to hear that.

GUY 3

 What are you in for?

GUY 1

I lost my job because of the curfew. I worked the graveyard shift. When I tried to leave midnight Saturday for work, troopers pulled me over and told me to go back home. I told my boss but he didn’t understand and fired me. Said I signed a contract that said I cannot request time off for the first 30 days. I just started last Wednesday. I wanted revenge too. What about you?

GUY 3

I’m from California. I’m an anarchist. I came down as a plant.

GUY 1

What do you mean?

GUY 3

 To blend in with the so-called “peaceful” protestors, although, I’m white. I wanted to incite more police brutality against minorities. You see, I don’t believe in marching and parading around with signs. If you want change, everlasting change, then you have to precede it with chaos.

GUY 2

(jumps up) It’s because of you I lost my business.

GUY 1

Calm down!

GUY 2

It’s because of you 15 hard years went down the drain in 7 days.

GUY 1

Calm down!

GUY 2

It’s because of you I have to find another way to feed my kids!

GUY 3

 You see, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.

GUY 2

 (pulls back to launch a punch)

GUY 1

 (holds him back)

CUT SCENE

*2 officers escort Darren Wilson to prison cell*

OFFICER 1

 You’re locking him up in here?

OFFICER 2

The Occupation Act allows for non-segregation of law enforcement officials and civilians. No matter if they killed an unarmed black civilian you can throw said official in the same holding cell with the unarmed black civilian’s relatives and friends. (smirks)

*Guy 2 and Guy 3 are still arguing*

OFFICER 2

 Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! You might want to save your energy.

*Camera spans across the shocked faces of the 78 inmates*

OFFICER 2

 (Pushes Darren Wilson in the cell) Have fun!

*SCREEN BLACKS OUT*

*3 HOURS LATER*

INT. CNN NEWS ROOM – EVENING

DON LEMON

 Breaking News from The Ferguson Police Department. Darren Wilson, the officer who shot and killed the unarmed teenager Michael Brown has been killed in prison.

*6 MONTHS LATER*

EXT. WEST FLORISSANT AVENUE IN FERGUSON, MISSOURI – MORNING

JOURNALIST

(gets out car) (walks up to building)

*Wide-view camera angle shows the architecture of the building. Camera zooms in on the flag at the top bearing the company’s name, Mics Dare Win Technologies.*

INT. BUILDING – MORNING

JOURNALIST

 Hi, I’m Reginald Tapper with Time Magazine and I’m here to talk to the CEO about the company’s success after the Darren Wilson, Mike Brown incident. Because of what happened a few months back, Obama has made body cameras standard on the uniform of law enforcement and all police departments that didn’t comply were shut down. And because y’all are the only company that sells these body cameras and this uploading software, y’all have profited tremendously and monopolized the entire market. And y’all’s daring presence on a street that had protestor, police clashes, businesses shutting down, has turned Ferguson into a booming economy. It’s the only sunshine in a otherwise dark story.

RECEPTIONIST

 Thank you so much! But I’m sorry, you can’t meet the CEO’s.

JOURNALIST

There’s 2 of them?

RECEPTIONIST

 Yeah.

JOURNALIST

Why can’t I see them? I have my credentials.

RECEPTIONIST

 I understand. Well … they’re never here. I haven’t even met them. I’ve been working here for 3 months and have never seen them, heard their voice on any conference call, or anything.

JOURNALIST

What about any other employee?

RECEPTIONIST

I doubt it.

JOURNALIST

 Who do y’all take orders from then?

RECEPTIONIST

Every morning we walk in the door there’s always an agenda book mysteriously laid out on the counter.

JOURNALIST

That’s weird. Well thanks, anyway. (heads towards exit).

JANITOR

(whistling)

JOURNALIST

I’m sorry I have to walk all over the floor while you’re mopping it.

JANITOR

 I accept your apology only if you’re not secretly hiding your wings in your jacket. (laughs)

JOURNALIST

 (laughs) Hey, you look familiar. Were you around a few months back when that stuff happened?

JANITOR

 Yeah, I got arrested for protesting.

JOURNALIST

 That’s probably where I know you from. From watching the news. Is it true that none of you know who the CEO’s of this place is?

JANITOR

No, and the way things have ran, we probably never will.

JOURNALIST

 What you mean?

JANITOR

I mean, how many companies you know are able to thrive without the physical presence of its leader? Profits are up, employees are well-paid and well-behaved. Communication from the top to the bottom … me … is phenomenal. I just want to meet the CEO’s just once … to shake their hands. But I doubt they want to take that glass with the umbrella straw out of their hand to shake little ole mines.

JOURNALIST

 (laughs)

JANITOR

 Yeah, they’re probably on an everlasting vacation somewhere.

EXT. HAWAII BEACH – MORNING

*Sweeping aerial camera view of beach shows people playing in the sand and water*

*Camera creeps behind a person sitting on a beach chair reading a newspaper. It’s their POV. Camera zooms in on paper’s headline, “Mics Dare Win Profits Continue To Soar.”*

PERSON 1

(opens newspaper) (closes newspaper) (sits newspaper on nearby table) (sits police badge on top of newspaper to keep it from flying away)

PERSON 2

(opens newspaper) (closes newspaper) (sits newspaper on nearby table) (sits a red Cardinals baseball cap on top of newspaper to keep it from flying away)

 

FADE TO BLACK

The Controversial Remake Of The “Apparently” Kid’s Viral Video

Apparently Kid on his motorcycle

John Borowski, Noah Ritter’s grandfather, and Sofia Ojeda, the reporter that interviewed Noah at the Wayne County Fair are suing the creators behind a remake of the “Apparently Kid” viral video. In it, at the 37-second-mark, a little girl wearing a Peace shirt appears on camera saying “Hi” and tries to get the attention of the reporter. Just like in the real video. At the 47-second mark, a “Bruce Leroy glow” appears around the body of the child actor playing Noah Ritter. The little girl actor who has said “hi” 17 more times since then gets smacked out the way by the reporter, who yells, “Get a personality, bitch!” At the minute and 30-second mark, the actor playing Noah’s grandfather gets arrested. A team of FBI agents accuse him of kidnapping his grandson because of the “strange” behavior he displayed while the camera was on Noah. One of the FBI agents says, “Why did you keep tapping him on his shoulder, like let’s go? Why are you in such a rush? You don’t need the PowerBall. This video is about to go viral. You have to be a kidnapper for not letting him talk more.” After the FBI rushes the grandfather away, to the satisfaction of the fans who wanted to hear Noah talk more, the fantasy interview goes on for 3 minutes longer than the real one. The video had 326,433 views before it was removed on YouTube for violating their child abuse policy.

UPDATE: Sofia Ojeda has released a formal statement: “I have never abused a child like what was depicted of ‘me’ in  RntP8_e9ZvlO0oru63cbQ’s recreation video. Especially one I gave birth to. Yes, that little girl in the video with Noah was actually my daughter. If you listened closely, you could hear me call her honey. Why would I call someone else’s daughter that? Furthermore, to address people who’ve  said I ignored her, I will be giving her an interview asking about her experience at the fair then upload it to YouTube. She has tons of personality! Stay tuned!”

Built on top:

  • The attention-seeking little girl; the rushing of the grandfather

When you learn a new word do you try to incorporate it in your vocabulary by saying it often in sentences, even ones where it doesn’t make sense?

 

Anonymous Blogging Gone Wrong: Drunk Woman Reveals the Rest of the Letters in her Boyfriend’s Name (And Shows Pic)

Screenshot of Futuristically Yours homepage

 

A woman who was once making $10,000 a month from her anonymous blog is now making 17 cents per month after a fan exposed her lie in a revealing photo.

Kadence, formerly known as K, woke up March 30th in the afternoon with a severe headache. She had a hang-over. The vile smell coming from her blouse confirmed it. But she was confused. The reason for her drinking was lying next to her in bed, Jasper, formerly known as J. Her boyfriend. Did they instantly make-up after their bad fight last night?

“I was trying to collect my thoughts. I look across the room and see two things an author of an anonymous blog never wants to see sitting RIGHT next to each other: A bottle of Tequila and a laptop,” wrote Kadence in a post titled, IWasDrunk, and ANGRY, and Stoopid … and Blogging. She wrote, “I jumped out of bed in a panic, run to the computer and start shaking it. Then I realized this isn’t a little sister whose in a deep-sleep and is about to be late for school. It’s a touch-sensitive machine. I slide my finger across the trackpad and couldn’t believe my eyes. The man who was laying in my bed was on my computer screen. I deleted the post and kicked him out my apartment half-naked.”

But it was too late.

Despite the scathing 2,000 word post being published at 3AM it was shared on Facebook 83 times, on Twitter 27 times, and had 78 comments. One follower replied, “When I saw the preview of the post in my email I thought the pic was an advertisement from Google. But when I clicked the ‘read more‘ link and saw the same pic I still thought it was an advertisement, as K has lots of them on her blog. Out of a thousand-something posts with no images it just had to be. However, when I read the post I was shocked to find out that was the protagonist of her posts. He wasn’t a faceless letter anymore. He had a picture and a name.”

For the next 3 weeks Kadence would unsuccessfully try to turn her anonymous blog into a “regular” one, but fans clamored that she lost her writing edge because she didn’t want to offend Jasper, who she reconciled with and knew was reading her blog now. They threatened to take their traffic elsewhere. Realizing she never posted her own photo or revealed the rest of the letters in her name during the blog transformation and could go anonymous again, she did so. In her first anonymous post back, she claimed, “I broke up with Jasper, formerly known as J, and found me a new beau, K. I know, right! We’re twinees! But ladies … he is an A in bed. OMG!” She goes on to detail her reasons for breaking up with Jasper, saying he punched her.

The renewed anonymous blog thrived. Traffic peaked in the month of June with a million site visits. Advertising revenue was going through the roof. Fans was leaving comments, saying her posts were “better than ever.”

Then …

A fan, Hans Reznor, saw Jasper in public with some girl.

“I was at the movies, standing in line, and saw this dude who looked familiar. I  tried recalling where I knew him from. Suddenly, I got a comment notification from one of my friends on K’s blog AND THEN IT HIT ME! I looked in my gallery. I had saved J’s pic on my phone. I kept looking at my phone, looking at him, looking at my phone, looking at him. IT WAS J! And I just assumed the girl he was with was his NEW girlfriend. Then out of nowhere, a girl who I haven’t talked to in a whole freaking year texts me. AND THEN IT  HIT ME AGAIN! What if the girl who J is standing with is K?!?! I had no way of knowing because I didn’t know what she looked like. She never posted a pic. I had to think of something quick because the line was moving. I kept shouting out the letter K but left pauses in-between because some black people was standing behind me. The girl J was with kept looking back. But that could have just been a coincidence. Then right when I’m about to lose them to the movie theater it happened. When Jasper and the girl was at the counter paying for the movie, the lady at the register looked at the girl’s card and ID and said, ‘I got a sister named Kadence.’ BOOM! I whipped out my phone, snapped a good clear picture of them together, and ran home. I didn’t even want to see The Purge no more.”

Reznor posted the picture on Facebook, Twitter, and in the comment section of Kadence’s most recent posts. Fans were outraged and felt a sense of betrayal. They rallied on social media and promised to fulfill their earlier threat of taking their traffic elsewhere. Within a month JKDoesntStandForJustKidding.com was doing 24 views a day. A far cry from the 250,000 monthly visits Kadence was averaging.

In a post titled, I Should’ve Waited ‘Til It Came Out On DVD she wrote,

“For the first time in 6 years I am looking for a job. A job I know I will hate. A job that will make me hate Monday’s. A job with rats and robots. A job I may very well be at forever BECAUSE YOU SON OF BITCHES TOOK THE JOB I LOVE AWAY FROM ME! I WISH I KNEW WHO YOU Y’ALL WERE SO WHEN THE PURGE BECOMES REAL I CAN KILL YOUR ASSES! I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Who’s going to read it? My mom?! Fuck her!!! My damn boyfriend rubbed more salt on my wounds by breaking up with me. FOR REAL THIS TIME YOU BASTARDS!”

In a surprising twist of events, Jasper has started his own blog, JStandsForJealousy, and reveals he masterminded the whole thing. On the About page he wrote,

You may know my ex-girlfriend, Kadence, formerly known as K. She had one of the most popular anonymous blogs on the internet, which brought in thousands of dollars in advertising revenue. Here I am working a crap job while she gets to sit home and write for a living. I was jealous. I had my own little blog on WordPress that no one gave a damn about. I asked Kadence, who had a degree in marketing could she help me with it and she claimed she didn’t know anything about marketing a blog. She lied to me to cover up she had a widely successful blog, of which I was the star of. That’s why I don’t feel remorse about my actions. That night we had our argument, a slip of the tongue revealed she had some big, popular blog. I pretended to not hear what she said and changed the subject of the arguing. She never got drunk. It was me. I set it all up. While she slept I spilled alcohol on her blouse. I gave her the headache by kicking her out of bed and making her hit her head on the floor. She was a deep-sleeper. I positioned the Tequila next to her lap-top. I knew all her passwords. She used the same one for each account. So, all I had to do was go to each blogging platform and type it in until one worked. Once it became clear to me that I was the star these people were coming to this site to read about I wanted more control. All of these posts talked about how bad I was in bed and her adventures with other men because of it infuriated me. I wanted revenge. I wanted the proper representation. So, I wrote a post about me. Nothing really changed. I talked bad about myself like she would have done. I can be self-deprecating. But I made it look like she was so plastered while she was writing, she addressed me by my name and showed off embarrassing pics of me. It was believable. And that fan that saw us in public? A friend of mines she never met. She didn’t even want to go to the movies that night. I had to drag her to the theater. She lied to y’all about how bad I was in bed so women will stay away from me and men would laugh at me. She lied about us breaking up and her dating a new letter so she could profit off the traffic you provided her. Well, to the people who have been deceived in the blogging community, I present my truth. A face with a name. This is my story in my own words. This is my jealousy.

JStandsForJealousy.com has been viewed 157,372 times since it was started 2 weeks ago.

Built on top:

  • Wanting to write a sequel to this

What topics would you blog about if you had an anonymous blog and wouldn’t be held accountable for?

Itching Powder Sprinkled On Man’s Gun Tattoo Makes Trigger Squeeze, Killing Him

gun tat

A close-up of Michael Smith’s gun tattoo

 

A Madison police officer will not face criminal charges in the fatal shooting of 41-year-old Michael Smith, the man with the life-sized tattoo of a handgun on his stomach, according to court records.

For the afternoon of July 21st, surveillance footage shows Smith feeding Canada Geese on the Oakland Town Beach when two masked men attacked him from behind. The footage shows one of the men pulling Smith’s shirt over his head, temporarily blinding him, while the other man repeatedly punched Smith in the face. One of the men took a gold packet out of his pocket and sprinkled its contents on Smith’s defenseless body. The footage then shows the two men fleeing the scene with Smith’s shirt in their possession. 3 minutes and 29 seconds later, the surveillance footage shows Smith struggling to stand. He stumbled out of the camera’s eye and into the first person that could’ve helped him, but unfortunately mistook Smith’s yelling for a threat and his tattoo for a real gun.

“I was standing in front of the [cop] car, using the hood to write tickets. All of a sudden, I hear someone screaming. I turn around and see this shirtless, wild-looking guy charging at me about to pull a gun from his waistband. I perceived danger. My instincts kicked in. It’s only one thing you do in that kind of situation. You survive,” said officer Brett Lowell. “I didn’t realize it was a tattoo until I tried kicking the gun away from his body.”

A nearby witness who recognized Smith from past media stories (see below) yelled, “Stop! You’re kicking him in the stomach. That’s a tattoo! Stop! That’s Mike! Michael Smith!”

Officer Lowell was cleared of any wrongdoing when medical examiners discovered the contents of that gold packet the masked men poured on Smith’s stomach was itching powder, which caused Smith to scratch the gun tattoo, appearing as if he was gripping the handle of a firearm.

Investigators said this was a calculated assault and personal for the attackers. Smith had 1,000 dollars in his pockets.

 

Built on top:

 

If you saw a shirtless man charging at you yelling, rubbing what appears to be a gun from a distance, what would you do?

Security Guard Apartment Complex Hired To Patrol Pool Pees In It

 

pool notice

Leasing manager, Lisa Bannister, sat down Monday morning to review the weekend’s cameras. What she saw was “unbelievable.” Video of the security guard her apartment complex, 308 Eves, hired to patrol the pool “passing water” in it.

“It was shocking. We hired him because the number of people the camera showed in the pool clashed with the number of people who scanned their pass to unlock the pool’s gate. We didn’t know if they were residents who forgot to come by the office to get their pass or people off the street.”

WFTV caught up with the now fired security guard. “How you hire someone to stay in one place for hours and don’t have a restroom for them to use? I took myself on a tour of the grounds. Laundry room; empty room; storage room; empty room. I went into their fitness center and asked this guy working out was there any restrooms. He said, ‘In your apartment.’ I don’t live here. I work here. I didn’t know any of the residents personally and I didn’t want to risk leaving the premises. I drunk a 2 Liter of purple stuff. I had to go!,” the security guard told reporters.

308 Eves said they will turn one of their empty lobby rooms into a bathroom-for-guests before they hire their next security guard.

Built on top of: 

  • I was the guy working out

If you was the security guard, would you asked a resident to use their bathroom, went to a nearby store, or pee’d in the pool? Explain your answer.

 

Aside

Har-old, why are thoughts of sex and food clothed with action faster than any other idea crying for diapers in your head? We have a problem! A big fucking problem! When you’re horny, you don’t masturbate/have sex. When you’re hungry, you don’t eat. Yeah, that seems like the natural thing to do, however, when you firmly believe ejaculation affects productivity and food affects mood then transmutation becomes an acquired taste. I mean, just what if you disconnected your thoughts and actions when it came to sex and food. Say, you thought of food/sex like you normally do, but instead of acting on them you spirit your attention on the ideas you procrastinate on. Hunger and concupiscent energy are the keys to action. This can be for ANY action; not always the one that’s natural.

Another thing. Don’t try to break faith with the food affects mood and ejaculation affects productivity philosophy. Napoleon Hill is already in your head. I don’t wanna hear about the fat rich man or the billionaire playboy. They’re them and you are you! Tell me something … what does the days you’ve checked off almost or all the things on your Daily Schedule have in common?

 

 

 

 

Horny & Hungry

Heart Patch

 

 

FADE IN

INT. WAREHOUSE – MORNING

DAY ONE

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar) (thinks to self) This heat is getting to me.

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smile) (thinks to self) There she go! Her hair hasn’t been done since she’s been her. Always these 2 big braids. She looks like my cousin Damon in the face. Can pass for Snoop Dogg’s daughter more than Snoop Dogg’s daughter. You can’t tell if she has breast from a distance. Her jeans have more leg room than most girls. Yet, I see pass all that. I love her body structure! She is the only girl I want to talk to in here.

INT. WAREHOUSE – AFTERNOON

DAY TWO

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar) I am hot. The fan never blows on me.

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smiles) (thinks to self) There she go! I wonder will I make things awkward for her and her friend … nah that’s definitely her cousin or sister. Them 2 and that other girl they always be with look too much alike to not be blood. But I wonder will it be awkward if I tried to talk to her when her sister was the one who seemed interested in me with that, “What are you reading?” question? I don’t know. I’m just so attracted to her. I need to find out her name. It looks like it start with an S. Skylar? I love the way she move. She walk just like a ballplayer. Basketball? Soccer? Baseball!!! But her walk looks a little different today. Her shoulders are hunched over. Her posture is usually erect, with her shoulders back and down. Chest poking out. She looks tired.

INT. WAREHOUSE – EVENING

DAY THREE

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar and leaves index, middle finger in shirt) (thinks to self) I feel sweat rolling down my back! (balls fist) Ugh!

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smiles) (thinks to self) There she … whoa! She’s limping, and dragging her leg! What happened? She’s walking like she’s been walking on these warehouse floors for 20 years. Probably injured herself playing basketball or something. Hmm.

INT. WAREHOUSE – MORNING

DAY FOUR

*Nubrisco walks across the floor with a grey tote in his hand. 4 pieces of paper hang from the wall letting employees know which defective product go where: No collate; damages; needs monogram; missing pieces.*

MS. JOYCE

What’s that, Nubrisco?

NUBRISCO

Damaged. (turns around)

GIRL

(crawling on the floor)

NUBRISCO

(runs to her aid) (pulls her up) Are you alright?

GIRL

I lost all feeling in my leg.

NUBRISCO

What’s wrong?

GIRL

For the last couple days I been getting this same beach towel with my name on it. (shows towel to Nubrisco)

NUBRISCO

(camera zooms in on towel through Nubrisco’s POV, as if his eyes couldn’t believe what he saw) (thinks to self) Skylar? I was right!

GIRL

And it came with this heart that needs to be patched on it. I put it in the right area all the time so I’m confused why I keep getting it back the next day the same way. Don’t think I’m crazy, but it’s been messing with me psychologically: Seeing my name on this beach towel without the heart attached.

NUBRISCO

Let me see it.

GIRL

(hands Nubrisco the towel and heart)

NUBRISCO

(holds the towel in his left hand, heart in his right) (presses the heart against the towel for 5 seconds) (dangles the towel)

GIRL

OH MY GOD! IT’S NOT FALLING OFF! HOW YOU … HOW YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS?! ONLY A STEAM-IRON COULD HAVE DONE THAT! (scratches head)

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar)

GIRL

(jumps in Nubrisco’s arms)

*Aerial view camera shows Nubrisco and Skylar hugging. Nubrisco swings Skylar in his arms*

FADE TO BLACK

Loaded Lux’s Prop For Murda Mook Rematch Leaked

Total Slaughter logo

 

New York — Two credible sources confirm the prop Loaded Lux will use in his long-awaited rematch with Murda Mook at Total Slaughter on July 12th.

They spoke on anonymity, as they still do business with Lux.

We was watching the Goodz and Verb battle. Smack rarely shows the entrances, so when he introduced them to the stage I knew something special was gone happen. Verb comes out. Nothing special. Goodz comes out rocking the gold jacket Verb wore battling Swave. Lux stared at the screen with this confused look on his face then jump up and take this old dusty NorthFace jacket out. I said, what’s that, beloved? He was like, ‘This it! This it! I’m gone wear Mook’s jacket. This is just what I needed.’

The second story comes from a woman acquaintance:

Lux was going over his rounds with me. Before he started rapping, I told him to take off that hot ass jacket. He told me that it would be a part of his Wardrobe this Saturday. He told me after his first battle with Mook, the Aces Click took Mook’s jacket and it’s been in his closet this whole time. He has just been waiting for the right time to use it.

During the battle, Mook embarrassingly had to say, “I don’t like fighting,” after reciting violent lyrics when someone in Lux’s camp took offense at Mook’s aggression. In a deleted video posted on YouTube in 2007, members of the Aces Click claim to have robbed Mook after his battle with Loaded Lux. They showed off a dark-looking jacket to the camera. Loaded Lux confirmed the robbery in his song, Head Crack, spitting “2 winters later, you ain’t get your coat back yet.”

UPDATE: Murda Mook is investigating the identities of the anonymous sources to help him furthermore by getting his jacket back before Saturday’s Total Slaughter to thwart Loaded Lux’s plans.

 

 

Built on top of:
•Goodz coming out in Aye Verb’s jacket

Do you think Mook will get his jacket back before Saturday?

Subway Code

image

Dear Har-old,

No internet access at home, you say.

The library is too far and $3.50 to catch the bus will be a waste of money, you say.

Your old student ID badge is outdated and the library form for a guest to use the community college’s computers is too personal, you say.

Fine!

Free WiFi at a Subway that’s 3 minutes from home, I say!

Hmm? What was that? Really? That’s your excuse? That you have to buy food if you want to sit down and use their WiFi?

Get the bleep out of here!

EXCUSES!!!

It’s been almost a year since you logged in on Codecademy. And before that, 5 months!

Why? Because the neighbor you was stealing WiFi from … moved!

Hey, at least it’s not because you gave up on coding because it frustrated you.

Har-old, you need to learn how to code by any means necessary. Unless the

H2 header

isn’t the only thing that stuck with you after all this time then you gotta press reset.

I didn’t become my own technical co-founder by watching The Social Network a million times. I did it by staying consistent on Codecademy, being friends with programmers, and letting new knowledge stick through application. You know, building stuff.

HTML/CSS/JAVASCRIPT.

Let’s go!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

Potential Battle Rap Sponsor Head Trampled During Dizaster, Math Hoffa Fight

screenshot of math hoffa and dizaster battle at kotd bola5

Click photo to see the closes view of the first punch from Dizaster

A man’s head from a higher corporation got trampled this past weekend (June 28th) at King Of The Dot’s (KOTD) Battle Of Los Angeles 5 (BOLA) event during the Dizaster and Math Hoffa brawl.

The man, who wishes to keep his name and his company’s name confidential was invited to the BOLA event by Davone Campbell, known to battle rap fans as “Daylyt.” Here’s his account of what happened:

“I’m an A&R at a big time record label. I’ve been following the KraCC City Movement for some time now. I got in touch with Davone and told him I wanted to invest in some new talent. He convinced me to come out to an event he was participating in at Los Globos. I was doing nothing that Saturday, why not. He said it was a battle rap event. I had no clue what battle rap was. I did some research prior to going and was really disturbed by the violent lyrics. But Daylyt assured me KOTD was a ‘non-violent organization.’ So in the last round while the Dizaster fellow was rapping, he looked at me. I was standing right behind the black guy. I think my suit threw him off and caused him to stumble. That’s when he looked back at the Mathematical guy and said ‘I should fucking punch you.’ The guy said ‘Do it then!’ Me wanting to get in the spirit of the crowd when they say ‘Talk to that N word such and such’ I said ‘Yeah do it Dizzy.’ Before I know it, I am laying on the ground being trampled. All was going through my head was defeat/the feet lines.”

Surprisingly, the man, who suffered a minor concussion in the mêlée said he still wants to become a potential battle rap sponsor but said if leagues want his money they will have to implement 3 changes. First, he said future grudge matches will have to be Facetimed/Skyped to prevent battle rappers with a history from fighting with more than words. Second, he said he wants “gun bars” to die. He specifically mentioned a battle rapper by the name of Tay Roc, who he said he is terrified of. “The only thing funny about that Tay Roc guy is how he says words with a U in it. Other than that, he is a bonafide monster. I believe everything he says he will do to his opponent. If he says he will Emmit Till you then dammit he will Emmit Till you. And the final rule he says he wants in place is, “No more defeat/the feet lines. I might have flashbacks hearing one of those again.”

Built on top of:

  • A line from Daylyt’s response video
  • Total Slaughter’s Upcoming Event on July 12th

What future grudge matches need to be facetimed/skyped?

Pictures With People Laughing And Pointing In Them Almost Kills Photographer

image

“When he didn’t immediately call me to tell me how he did on the LSAT, I knew he failed,” said Meghan Zane, who may have saved her boyfriend, Patrick Ross, from committing suicide.

Zane called Ross instead. Her suspicions was confirmed. Ross scored poorly. “The last thing he said on the phone was that he was going home to get some rest then we hung up. Then I quickly realized how bad of an idea that was. I called back several times but he wasn’t answering. So, I jumped in the car to beat him home. I knew if he got there first, that would have been a nap he never woke from,” said the girlfriend.

Zane continued, “Pat worked as an exclusive photographer. You had to be a lawyer to be his client. In some of the poses he had them point at the camera and laugh. In group shots, he had one lawyer whisper into the other’s ear. Then without their knowledge, he would go home and hang these pictures all over the walls in his apartment. He did this for motivation. For inspiration. He pretended that these lawyers, these people already in their chosen field was making fun of him for still being a photographer. I always invited him to my place because I hated going to his. Those pictures were so creepy. It’s like the finger-pointing was following me everywhere I moved like a GIF. I even started getting paranoid and would fake laugh to see if I still heard laughter after mines stopped. Why would they laugh at me? I don’t want to be a lawyer. I was going crazy. I had to get out of there.”

UPDATE: Meghan has broken up with Patrick because she fears losing him to suicide anyway if he doesn’t become a lawyer anytime soon. Meghan’s ex-boyfriend was killed by a drunk driver. She doesn’t want to lose another boyfriend in an untimely manner. Breakups can be nasty. This one was no different. When Patrick got Meghan fired from her job at Arby’s by making her late (she already had excessive tardies), Meghan got her revenge by telling all Patrick’s clients what he was doing with their photos. This has led to every lawyer in the state of New York refusing to work with Patrick, thus making him homeless as he wasn’t able to make ends meet. When we caught up with him a few days later, he was back living with his mother. The walls in his room was covered with pictures of women with an uncanny resemblance to Meghan. The poses were still the same, however, the finger-pointing seemed to be at an lower angle. All the male associates of Futuristically Yours strangely insisted doing the interview in another part of the house.

Built on top of:
A dream I had a few weeks ago

What’s so funny? I want to laugh too.

When Students Lying In Grass Is Mistaken For School Shooting

 

 

FADE IN:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – MORNING

*Camera sweeps across college campus showing students sleeping in the grass with their text books open*

PERSON 1 – (on the phone) Then I said Financial Aid?! What am I … poor?! (laughing)

*PERSON 1 turns corner to see the college’s big grassy field teem with horizontal bodies of students. Some groan from just waking up, however, to PERSON 1 it sounds like they are in pain.*

PERSON 1 – (drops phone) (faints)

3 minutes later …

*2 more students, male and female, turn the same corner.*

FEMALE STUDENT – (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!
MALE STUDENT – (eyes widen) What the …
FEMALE STUDENT – Oh my God, I think there was a school shooting. Oh my God, the killer could still be loose on campus. Oh my God, we gotta get out of here!
MALE STUDENT – No! Wait! What if we run into him as we exit? We must not take any chances. We must play dead.

*Both students drop where they stand*

MALE STUDENT – I’m going to call 911 while we’re laying here.
FEMALE STUDENT – Hurry! I don’t want you to be caught with your phone out.
MALE STUDENT – (whispers to 911 dispatcher) We need help. There has been a school shooting at *censored*. Hundreds are dead. Hurry! (disconnects)
FEMALE STUDENT – What if he comes back, walks the field to revel in his destruction and recognizes he didn’t shoot us???
MALE STUDENT – (takes ketchup packet out pocket) Here. Smear this across your shirt.
FEMALE STUDENT – Oh God, no! I just paid …
MALE STUDENT – (kicks her leg)

*They both rub the ketchup all over their shirt*

2 minutes later …

*The camera cuts to the face of a black person. The camera pans down showing his jacket fits unevenly. One side hangs lower than the other, and swings like a pendulum with each step. The style of the jacket is also mismatched with other clothing. The camera 360s around him showing his backpack, revealing he is a student.*

BLACK STUDENT – (turns corner) (eyes widen) Oh my God! There’s been a school massacre? (trembling) (starts running, takes backpack off so it doesn’t slow him down)

*As he gets back in front of the campus, dozens of police cars pull up*

POLICE – (jump out cars, aiming their guns) FREEZE! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW! GET DOWNNNNN!
BLACK STUDENT – NO! WAIT! I’M NOT THE SCHOOL SHOOTER. I’M ONE OF THE STUDENTS. PLEASE DON’T SHOOT!!!!
POLICE – WHERE’S YOUR BACKPACK?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks behind him to see his backpack in the distance, busted open with textbooks on ground) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHAT’S IN YOUR POCKET?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks down at both jacket pockets and sees how one sags lower) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHY YOUR JACKET DON’T MATCH YOUR PANTS, SHIRT, AND SHOES?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks down at his clothes and see the colors and design patterns don’t match his jacket) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY BLACK PERSON THAT GO TO THIS SCHOOL?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (tilts head to side slightly gesturing he is thinking) (facial expression go from confused look to that of astonishment realizing he is the only black person at the college) (looks up at the sky and screams) SHIT!!!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

Fine M. Banker

 

 

FADE IN:

EXT./INT. REGIONS BANK – AFTERNOON

*An old man grabs the door handle of the bank*

SECURITY

Sir, you can’t go inside the bank wearing your hat and sunglasses.

OLD MAN

(removes hat and sunglasses) (walks into bank) (fills out deposit slip) (thinks to self) Who is that??? She is gorgeous! I have to get to her window. Ahhh, she wouldn’t want a guy like me, though. Big bald spot. How can I hide it? Hmm … (puts hat on). Then my cross-eyes. What can I do to cover them? Hmm … (puts sunglasses on). Ok, I’m ready.

BANK TELLER

 May I help the next person in line?

OLD MAN

(skips 8 people in line) That’ll be me, pretty woman! Ha!

BANK TELLER

(eyes widen) He’s finna rob the bank!

OLD MAN

Wheet?!?!

*The 8 people the old man jumped in front of tackle him to the ground*

PERSON 5

 I wanted to beat his ass for skipping me anyway. The light place about to close.

15 MINUTES LATER …

*Police escort the old man out the bank in handcuffs*

OLD MAN

Please don’t take me to jail. I wasn’t trying to rob the bank. You gotta believe me.

OFFICER

You tried to rob the wrong bank. Fool, what if my girlfriend got hurt?

OLD MAN

Who, who is your girlfriend?

OFFICER

(points at the pretty woman bank teller)

*Camera pans around the old man’s back showing his POV, revealing the officer’s old age, bald spot in the middle of his head, and cock-eyes.*

FADE TO BLACK