Did You Lose .35 or $3.50 In The Vending Machine?

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2014

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* Damn, 65 cents for a small bag of chips? Am I paying more because they’re baked? Forget it, I’m hungry. [inserts dollar in vending machine] Where’s my change?

Some guy walks into break room. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

Pardon me.

SOME GUY

Hey.

EMPLOYEE

Where do you report lost money in the vending machine?

SOME GUY

To security, and they’ll give you your money right back.

EMPLOYEE

Okay, thanks.

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I lost some money in the machine. What do I do?

SECURITY

[grabs small piece of paper] You fill out this form with your name, how much you lost, what type of item it was.

EMPLOYEE

What about where it say vending machine serial number?

SECURITY

Don’t worry about that.

Employee fills out form. 

EMPLOYEE

Okay, I’m done. What do I do with it?

SECURITY

Leave it here at the desk. We’ll give it to the vending machine man.

EMPLOYEE

Will I get my money back today?

SECURITY

The vending machine man won’t be back until Monday.

EMPLOYEE

[rubs ear]

INT. COMPANY NAME  - MORNING

NOVEMBER 17, 2014

EMPLOYEE

[walks into break room] Hey, I lost money in the vending machine Friday. I filled out a form and left it with security.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

They haven’t given me anything.

EMPLOYEE

They haven’t?

VENDING MACHINE MAN

No.

Employee walks to security station.

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I filled out a form Friday, reporting lost money in the vending machine.

SECURITY

Let’s see. [grabs small piece of paper] Is this yours?

EMPLOYEE

Yeah. *thinks to self* Why they didn’t give it to the vending machine man when he came in this morning?

SECURITY

You take it to HR.

EMPLOYEE

Now you take it to HR?

SECURITY

Yeah, they’ll give you your money back.

Employee walks to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

Yes, how may I help you?

EMPLOYEE

I lost some money in the vending machine. I filled out this form at security. They told me HR gives us our money back.

HR

That’s not *insert Company name* vending machine. The vending machine company handles that. They give us a certain amount of money a week to reimburse people who lost their money. I don’t have any today.

INT. COMPANY NAME  - MORNING

NOVEMBER 18, 2014

Employee walks to HR office and knock on door.

EMPLOYEE

Hey …

HR

I don’t have any money today.

EMPLOYEE

[sigh]

INT. COMPANY NAME – MORNING

NOVEMBER 19, 2014

Employee comes to work and overhears an co-worker talking to the vending machine man in passing.

CO-WORKER

I lost three-fifty in that machine yesterday, sir.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

Employee walks to HR office and knocks on door. 

EMPLOYEE

Has the …

HR

No money today.

Employee walks fast back to break room. 

EMPLOYEE

Argh. He’s gone!

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

NOVEMBER 20, 2014

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I need to fill out a lost money in the vending machine form.

SECURITY

When did you lose it?

EMPLOYEE

Last Friday.

SECURITY

Why you just now filling out one?

EMPLOYEE

I filled out one Friday and brought it everyday. HR never had money. I forgot and left it home today.

SECURITY

Here you go. [hands over form]

Employee fills out name, date, how much was lost, type of food, etc. The employee walks to HR and as their knuckles were about to knock on the door, they freeze. The employee walks to the break room, looking at all the vending machines. He stops at the machine that sells microwavable food. The camera shows the employee’s POV: It shows the machine accepts 1′s and 5′s and that a cup of noodles is $1.50. The employee looks up to the right and sees a flashback of their co-worker telling the vending machine man they lost $3.50.

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* I never told HR or the vending machine man how much I lost. Security didn’t even look at my form. How crazy would I look putting up all this fuss for a week all for 35 cents? I need to be reimbursed for my money and my time for waiting. Let me move this dot over and put a zero here. Just incase they ask, let me have my story straight: I put $5 in here for a cup of noodles.

Employee walks back to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

[opens door] I got money today.

EMPLOYEE

[hands form]

HR

$3.50 … hmmm … well … I don’t have any change. They only gave me ones. I guess you’re gonna get four dollars. A 50 cent profit. [laughs]

EMPLOYEE

[laughs] Why, thank you!

HR

You’re welcome. Until next time.

EMPLOYEE

I can’t wait …

Employee closes HR door back up. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

… until the vending machines start accepting 100′s.

FADE TO BLACK

Wal-Mart Door Greeter Says “Fuck You Too!”

Based on true story

FADE IN

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

CUSTOMER

[approaches Wal-Mart entrance]

DOOR GREETER

Here ya go. [pushes grocery basket to customer]

CUSTOMER

[moves door greeter's basket out the way; grabs own basket]

DOOR GREETER

Fuck you, too!

CUSTOMER

Nah, fuck you! Don’t push no damn basket at me! Old ass *censored* working at Wal-Mart. Where your ambition at? HUH?!

INT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer shops for food then goes to Deli section to order some Ranch Chicken and Jalapeno bombers. Cook takes too long to come to front and take order. Customer sees grandma entering. 

CUSTOMER

I’m about to come out. This the last thing I’m about to get.

GRANDMA

It’s okay. I need to get a few things anyway.

CUSTOMER

Where you get your basket?

GRANDMA

Just on the outside.

CUSTOMER

Did you see an old man out there?

GRANDMA

Yeah, it’s two guys out there.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, one of them said “fuck you” to me ’cause I wouldn’t take the basket he pushed at me.

GRANDMA

Watch your mouth!

CUSTOMER

That’s all you heard, grandma?

COOK

Yes sir, what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER

I’ll be right back. I need to go handle something.

COOK

Sure?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I’ll be right back.

Customer finds supervisor and reports what happened at the entrance. 

SUPERVISOR

What he look like?

CUSTOMER

Older; dark-skin; had on one of those blue vest; a beanie on his head.

SUPERVISOR

Had on a Wal-Mart vest?

CUSTOMER

Um, yeah. *thinks to self* I think I saw blue?

SUPERVISOR

Did you see his name on his vest?

CUSTOMER

No. *thinks to self* Why didn’t I wear my glasses today? Ugh!

SUPERVISOR

Let me go see who you’re talking about. Wait here.

Supervisor walks to entrance and comes back 5 minutes later. 

SUPERVISOR

I didn’t see who you were talking about.

CUSTOMER

He probably moved now. This happened about 15-18 minutes ago. I shopped first. Do y’all got cameras outside where y’all store the baskets at?

SUPERVISOR

Yeah, we can see you from all the way down the street, up the block and around the corner. I’ll be back. Wait here.

20 minutes later the supervisor communicates with a team leader who is standing with the customer.

 TEAM LEADER

She said which entrance you came in at: The home depot side or the food side?

CUSTOMER

 The food.

17 minutes later the supervisor buzzes in again. 

TEAM LEADER

She said what are you wearing.

CUSTOMER

Black jacket. Black jeans. Green polo. I’m light-skin.

Some old man wearing dark clothing and a beanie goes behind the customer service counter. 

CUSTOMER (CONT’D)

Who’s that?

TEAM LEADER

He works in automotive.

CUSTOMER

*thinks to self* Is that him? I can’t tell. Dammit, why didn’t I bring my glasses?! Let me stare at him and see if he stares back then I’ll know. He’s not looking this way! He just went into the back. Shit!

33 minutes later the supervisor communicates through the team leader. 

TEAM LEADER

She said how long ago this happened.

CUSTOMER

About 18 minutes ago. Well, nah, ’cause I been waiting right here for a minute so …

TEAM LEADER

19 minutes.

CUSTOMER

*jaw drops*

11 minutes pass.

CUSTOMER

Hey, I’ma go ahead and pay for my food.

TEAM LEADER

Okay. When you’re done, come back and wait right here.

CUSTOMER

[sadly]

Okayyyyyyy.

20 minutes later a security guard comes out. 

SECURITY

Hi sir. I’m Chris, the head security guard at Wal-Mart. The supervisor sent me out here to get an re-enactment of what happened.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, so,  I came in right here …

SECURITY

Did you pay for these groceries?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I did. *thinks to self* They wouldn’t have bags on them if I didn’t pay for ‘em, you idiot you!

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer re-enacts incident for security guard. 

CUSTOMER

And that’s how it all went down.

SECURITY

Yeahhhhh, we don’t have cameras out here. Sorry!

CUSTOMER

Whaaa … but the lady said she can see me down the … up the … around the … umm I’m going home!

Customer pushes grocery basket to truck in an hurry.

CUSTOMER

Sorry about that. They was doing all this investigating, and had me waiting and stuff.

GRANDMA

What happened?

CUSTOMER

My ice cream melted.

FADE TO BLACK

Company Makes Employees Do Jumping Jacks After Deadly Gas Hospitalizes Supervisor

Homemade Catfish and Homemade Arby's curly fries

I cooked all this. I ate all this. But I didn’t wanna wash them dishes tho!

 

At the start of the A and B shifts at Williams-Sonoma, there’s a meeting. The manager goes over the numbers from yesterday and today, parking, housekeeping, and reminding employees not to take a second 15 minute break. At the end of the meeting, the manager calls on a volunteer to lead the stretches before work.

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Because of carpal tunnel and standing up for 10 hours, throughout the day employees stretch more.

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Sometimes employees have fun at work by challenging co-workers to a folding contest of robes, sheets, or towels. The loser has to “drop down and gimme 50.”

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Because jumping jacks is reserved for one thing at Williams-Sonoma. And one thing only: To warn an approaching co-worker of walking into a deadly fart.

I heard a bubbling sound in my stomach. It traveled to my ass. I had a bubble butt. The restroom is on the other side of the warehouse. I thought it was a waste of time to walk 70 feet to fart unless I had to pee too.  I had to make sure no one was around. I didn’t know if it was gone be silent or saying BURNT out-loud. I look left. Look right. Looked over my shoulder. Squinted my eyes to see ahead. Not a soul in sight. I let it out. Ahh, I felt 3 pounds lighter. Then suddenly, I heard somebody say, ‘Mr. Phillips!’ But I didn’t see nobody. I felt something drip on my head. I look up and my damn supervisor coming out the rafters like Sting! I told him to stay up there. He was like, ‘what? why?’ I said just do it. He got suspicious and thought I was stealing boxes. He told me I don’t tell him what to do. That he’s my leader, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t land on his feet. Nah, the rope didn’t break. It was one of those silent and deadly ones, alright. I couldn’t smell it. It’s mine. I’m immune to it.

Terius Phillips ran to a nearby phone and contacted security. The supervisor, Marlon Gray, fainted for holding his nose too long. He was hospitalized for 3 hours. When Gray returned the next day, he led the meeting for the A team. No numbers were discussed. No parking. No housekeeping. Just exercise. Gray told the morning shift-that started working 27 minutes late because Gray had to constantly stop his speech due to their uncontrollable laughter-that if the bathroom is far from their station and people are even further, it’s acceptable to fart in solitude, however, if a co-worker approaches after the release you must warn them by doing jumping jacks because warning people verbally will just bring out their perversity.

The company chose jumping jacks as the perfect “air refresher exercise” because of the fanning motion of the arms and legs.

UPDATE: Three employees were suspended 2 days for abusing the system. “Every time I approached one of them with a stack of labels they started doing jumping jacks,” said team lead, Curtis Hayward. “This affected our production numbers tremendously for the first 2 hours of our shift, so, I got clever and put on an Ebola mask. You should’ve seen their faces when I pulled it out. Priceless.” But a familiar can of spray they left behind is what extended their 15 minute break to 48 hours. In the drawers at their respective stations, the employees had a can of Air MESSenger, which is artificial flatulence.

Built on top of:

  • Recent events of 3 jobs I worked at. 

Have you ever farted in solitude and somebody came out of nowhere and walked into it?

 

 

Shit! Batman Knows Where I Live (FY’s 300th Post)

 

Based on a true story

FADE IN

INT. EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Earl puts on his workout clothes and leaves his apartment, which is on the 6th floor. There are 14 units on the floor (hallways). He pushes the elevator’s button and the fire alarm rings.

INT. OUTSIDE EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

EARL

(startled)

The hell?! Did I do that? Let me get back in my apartment before someone sees me.

Earl struggles to unlock his door despite having one key on his chain. He fumbles and inserts them in the lock wrong. A neighbor wearing a Batman mask pokes their head out their door to see what’s going on (fire alarm). As Earl and the neighbor make eye contact the door opens. Louis puts his back against the door, breathing hard.

INT. INSIDE EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

EARL (CONT’D)

Shit! Batman knows where I live.

FADE OUT

The Rent Is Too Damn Low

 

Based on actual events

FADE IN

INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT – EVENING

Jimmy reads an email on his phone when he hears noise outside his door. He looks out the peephole. He sees no one. He opens the door and finds a white envelope with his apartment number on it taped to the door. He opens the mail and reads it.

JIMMY

What’s this?! 30 day notice of rent increase?!  I just signed a new lease over a week ago. Wheet?! $369?! The last letter said $469. Hold on!

Jimmy puts on some shoes and runs to the leasing office.

EXT. OUTSIDE JIMMY’S APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

INT. LEASING OFFICE – EVENING

JIMMY

I know y’all about to close in 5 minutes but somebody just put this on my door.

MANAGER

I did.

JIMMY

I don’t get it.

MANAGER

It’s your 30 day notice of rent increase.

JIMMY

But my lease up in November. Not December. I just came in here on the 20th and signed a new one.

ASSISTANT

Yeah, I’m the one who did his appointment.

The assistant gets the paperwork from the filing cabinet and shows it to the manager.

MANAGER

Oh, our mistake.

JIMMY

But what about the $369 on that paper. The last notice said $469.

MANAGER

For a new lease it’s actually $359.

JIMMY

Remember I asked you a week ago why my rent increased by $100? And you said it was no particular reason, that’s just at the request of the landlord.

MANAGER

Nah, I don’t remember.

JIMMY

You gotta remember my rent $469. Remember before I signed the lease y’all addressed my concerns and assured me the washers and dryers were gone be fixed the next day? Then I asked about the elliptical and you said you personally was trying to locate one because you use it a lot yourself.  Do you remember my rent is $469 now and NOT this $359?

MANAGER

No.

ASSISTANT

You probably was looking at the six-month.

JIMMY

Nah, nah, nah. I know what I saw. That was for a year. I don’t have time to go get the papers right now because y’all closing but I can tomorrow.

ASSISTANT

You already signed a new lease. You don’t have to come back in here tomorrow. It was our mistake.

JIMMY

But I need to show you the proof my rent is $469 and not this $359 or $369 y’all talking about.

The manager, the assistants, and the other leasing office occupants look at each other in disbelief.

MANAGER

(stern delivery)

Sir, do you want your rent to be $469 or 359?

JIMMY

I want my rent to be … *smiles* AWWW! *smacks self upside head* I am so …

EVERYONE

Stupid?

JIMMY

Yeahhhh. That’s it!

MANAGER

Sir, your rent for the next 12 months will be $359, however, we’re going to charge you $10 extra for the first 2 months because your stupidity has us working overtime.

JIMMY

I deserve it!

EXT. OUTSIDE APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

Jimmy clicks his heels as he runs back to his apartment.

FADE OUT

Tsu Surf to get Rematch Against Charlie Clips Because Tay Rock used Smack’s Shoulders for an Armrest

Smack physically moving Tay Rock's hands off his shoulders when Surf chokes

 

In an yet-to-be released interview with The War Report, Smack White, the founder of the Ultimate Rap League (URL), was asked by a fan about possible future rematches on the URL after Math Hoffa vs. Dose broke the ice. With Charlie Clips vs. Tay Rock handled at NOME4, Smack expressed interest in the Loaded Lux vs. Murda Mook trilogy; Conceited vs. Charlie Clips; Hollow Da Don vs. Loaded Lux; B-Magic vs. JC; Mickey Factz vs. Danja Zone. After the fan was cut off for noticing the matches Smack mentioned were originally on other leagues, Smack’s answer to why he wants to set up a rematch between Tsu Surf vs. Charlie Clips will give their Born Legacy battle replay value for all the wrong reasons. Here is the written account of Smack’s answer:

Yanahimsaying if you noticed yanahimsaying at Born Legacy yanahimsaying during the Surf and yanahimsaying Clips battle yanahimsaying I kept stepping between them yanahimsaying after every 4 bars yanahimsaying to tell the crowd yanahimsaying to HOLD IT DOWN, HOLD IT DOWN, even when they was quiet yanahimsaying and wasn’t reacting to none of the shit these niggas was spitting. And the reason I kept doing that yanahimsaying is because Tay Rock kept resting his hand on my shoulder. Like the whole battle shun. And I didn’t wanna tell him verbally yanahimsaying to get his hands off me yanahimsaying ’cause I thought it would’ve made things awkward for him yanahimsaying and made him feel some type of way yanahimsaying. Like self-conscious or something yanahimsaying. So, my idea was to constantly walk forward and pretend I was addressing the crowd yanahimsaying. Throw up my hand-signs yanahimsaying. Fake laugh, smile yanahimsaying. You know how I give it up. And I thought when I stepped back again yanahimsaying Tay Rock would’ve found something else to lean on yanahimsaying but it didn’t happen like that. It didn’t happen like that. You see, at one point I got tired of it yanahimsaying and physically moved his hand off my shoulder and walked forward but he put it right back up there shun. Yanahimsaying then Surf saved me in the third round when he spit some bars at Rock. I moved Rock yanahimsaying in front of me. But when Surf changed subjects Tay Rock moved right back behind me and put his hands on my shoulders shun. Yanahimsaying I was tight yanahimsaying. And the reason I’m just now saying something about this yanahimsaying is ’cause the nightmares of Surf choking and Clips calling me extra has gotten to me homie. Enough is enough yanahimsaying. I’m not extra, my nigga. I’m a man of honor and respect yanahimsaying and I take full responsibility for Surf choking and causing Clips to freestyle yanahimsaying ’cause I broke these niggas train of thought jumping in-between them like every 5 seconds yanahimsaying. If another man was using your shoulder for an arm-rest how would you feel, my nigga? Tay Rock is still one of my favorites of the culture yanahimsaying, still one of the top shooters of the URL yanahimsaying, but he won’t be invited to the Surf and Clips rematch. Smmmddlllaaack.

Built on top:

  • Comment section of above YouTube video

How did you try to stop UNwanted leaning on you?

Meh Na Speaketh Da England

Galatic

 

A Spanish worker was fined $50 and had it taken out of his paycheck when caught speaking English after telling his supervisor “Meh na speaketh da England” during a forklift incident.

38-year-old Santiago Bardem stacked a pallet of boxes so high on a rack that it hit the sprinkler system causing a massive flood. When the supervisor, Kenneth Berkley, approached Bardem about what happened the Spaniard pretended he couldn’t understand English. Berkley went to get the Spanish-speaking supervisor, Sofia Lopez, to translate. After the two supervisors walked off, Bardem turned to his co-worker, Nubrisco Drew, and effortlessly switched to English, cracking jokes, which caused Drew to laugh so uncontrollably he produced a little flood of his own with tears.

When Bardem saw the supervisors walking back, he kicked Drew while he was rolling on the floor, gripping his stomach, eyes closed, and worse of all, repeating the punchline to Bardem’s jokes. With no one else in sight, Bardem just dropped his head when the supervisors started shaking theirs.

The Nike warehouse in Memphis now has a policy in place that if two Spaniards are having a conversation and a English-speaking person comes in close proximity they must ask the person do they understand Spanish. If so, they can continue with their conversation in their native tongue. However, if not, they must have said conversation in English. The policy, called Meh Na Speaketh Da England, after Bardem’s response, states that you can be fined up to $50 for disobeying it.

Bardem and 2% of the 35% of the warehouse’s Hispanic makeup are fighting back in a subtle way by lobbying for the same policy for African-Americans, who make-up 29% of the warehouse. Spaniard employee Alejandro Vergara in response to racist comments said, “I’m tired of people looking at me like they want to fight. I’m not racist. I just want fairness. Just like people can’t understand us, we have a hard time understanding blacks. They’re the biggest ethnic here after us. I love listening to rap gibberish on the radio but not in conversations. The other day, some black guy called me bae. What is Bae? Is it like Amigo? We Hispanics are having a hard time understanding the slang. I hope bae isn’t anything bad because he invited me over to his house. I don’t want to walk into my death or anything.”

Built on top:

  • Based on a day at work for dad

Have you ever been in a situation where a foreigner pretended to not understand English when you KNOW they do? I JUST heard you …

Aside

Has the novelty of having home internet wore off yet? Are we done watching DMX, Master P/No Limit, rap battles, and twerk videos? Are we going to change that “last logged in 11 months ago” on Codecademy anytime soon? Are we going to draw on the Bamboo tablet and post the next comic since June 2013? Where’s the logo for FY?

While you completed 3 Tax Assessments in the 4 days you had internet I am not impressed because you’re on chapter 15. What happen to chapter 14 by October 1st?

The only good this internet is responsible for in the 4 days it’s been here is saving you from making an Eyeball Marinara sandwich at Subway.

You are behind on your scripts, and your writing in general.

Isn’t that white hurting your eyes? I’m just waiting on you to fall asleep on the keyboards so I can slam the laptop on your head.

Keyboard Pillow

The Dictionary Kid

FADE IN

INT. GEORGE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

GEORGE

(excitedly)

Damn! The Apparently Kid got 21 million views: 15 from his interview; 3 from the FreshPet commercial; few millions with Ellen. The Exasperating Kid views not too shabby either. These kids had to make hundreds of thousands of dollars from YouTube. Hmmm …

EXT. DIANE’S HOUSE – MORNING

George rings doorbell. Diane opens door.

GEORGE

Diane …

DIANE

(gasps)

George …

Diane folds her arms and changes her facial expression of shock into disgust.

DIANE

So it took Taco Bell 5 years to fix your Burrito with Flaming Hot Fritos?

GEORGE

You know they don’t even sell those no more? Pshh.

DIANE

5 years!

GEORGE

Well it isn’t exactly fast food, you know.

DIANE

Are you … are you trying to make light of this situation? I’m talking about 5 years since I gave birth to your son!

GEORGE

Sweetie, I know. And, I’m sorry. Very, very, sorry. I was scared of being a dad. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I needed to make sense of this.

DIANE

And it took you 5 years to do that, George? You missed his first birthday. You missed seeing him take his first steps. You missed his first day of school. You missed everything!

GEORGE

Unless he’s in there dying right now, no, I haven’t. It’s only been the first 5 years of his life. And I’m standing right here and now to tell you … I want to be there for the rest of his life … and yours!

 DIANE

(speaks with tremble)

George …

GEORGE

Tells me it’s not tough raising a child on your own and I will leave right now.

George turns around and takes a step, giving the impression he’s walking away.

DIANE

George … I need you!

INT. DIANE’S HOUSE – MORNING

George looks around the house and sees a book shelf. He scans the material.

DIANE

Oh, you looking for the family album? It’s right here.

GEORGE

No, I’m looking for the dictionary. Here it is. Hmmm.

George puts index finger in middle of dictionary.

GEORGE

Whatever page it lands on is the word of the day. F’s. F-U-F-U-F-U-Fustigate! Means to … ahh who cares! Where’s my boy?

DIANE

In his room, but George I need to tell you something about our son first.

GEORGE

(talks as he’s leaving room where Diane is, in search for son’s room)

Not now woman! Me and my son got some catching up to do.

CUT SCENE

A montage shows George and Little George spending father and son time together at various events. Music plays. The only dialogue heard is when George uses “fustigate” in the wrong way in a sentence, with comical effect.

INT. DIANE’S HOUSE – EVENING

NEXT DAY …

George takes out camera.

GEORGE

Little Georgie Boy. Guess what? Daddy’s pregnant! *says in a whisper* Nah, I don’t want use that one. *back to normal volume* Little Georgie, did you know when you deleted Grandpa’s picture you killed him? He’s gone bye bye. Aww!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Little George, did you know your brother from another mother will one day … grow up?

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Okayyyy. Little George, I ate all your Halloween candy!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Umm … BIRDS ARE DINOSAURS!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

I’m about to poke your heart!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Shit, it’s passed the one minute mark. Dammit, now I can’t go viral. Dammit, Little George! I’ve been saying Fustigate for 24 hours and you still haven’t caught on? The hell is wrong with you?!

George grabs the dictionary and beats son upside the head with it. Diane hears Little George crying and runs to his aid.

DIANE

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

GEORGE

Whooping our son! He got a F in spelling.

DIANE

What?! What are you talking about???

GEORGE

I been saying the word “Fustigate” in sentences with him since I met him. I did it at the wrestling match. The basketball game. The fair. I even whispered it in his ear for an hour last night while he slept. What the hell is wrong with him? Is he an idiot?

DIANE

No, he’s deaf.

There’s awkward silence for about 10 seconds.

GEORGE

Did you know Taco Bell got a new burrito with Fritos? But it’s the plain ones, though. Oh, it’s still good. Trust me. And can you believe the price is one freaking dollar? OH MY GOD! They did it again! Woo, all this talk about food done got me hungry. I’m going to Taco Bell to go get  about 10 of them thangs. Y’all want something back?

FADE OUT

Learning How To Do Taxes … Again

tax book

 

 

Dear Har-old,

Tax school.

In 2012, you had the money but enrolled in classes too late.

In 2013, you knew the start date but didn’t have the money.

This year was a repeat.

Almost.

You made it!

Don’t let nothing get in the way of your studying. Keep ripping those chapters out your book and reading on your breaks at work. I want this your last year working in a warehouse. 15K minimum on April 15, 2015. What you make invest in startups and YouTube.

At least chapter 14 by October 1st. Don’t worry about if something doesn’t completely register because you’ll still have almost 2 months more to study after classes end first week of November. You passed all your tests thus far with 76 being lowest grade so you’re doing fine.

Speaking of YouTube, you might as well coincide your launch with Fight Club 2. I mean, weight has held you down this long and this past week has been a mess with buffets and fast food. At this point why not be strategic with timing? I want a year’s worth of material (48 scripts) written before launch.

Remember this? Haha!

I.R.S those my wife’s initials.

And if I cheat on her, my life is fish food.

So I’ma remain faithful, I don’t wanna fight an issue.

Cuz shiiit, look at Wesley Snipes, that nigga gotta sleep with his knife and pistol

What a mess? The United States Government they the ones who really cut the check

I be giving her a leg and arm, ouch ouch, I want her fucking head.

Tomorrow ain’t promised, the only life guarantees are death and taxes, enuff is said

A second wife, that’s a no indeed

Think about it, that’s half to her, half to her and a hole in me

Life’s a bitch but I love my bitch, baby everythang gone be okay

I used to think the government taxed people cuz they wanted to be so paid

But they used the money to build churches, schools, stores, parks, and roadways.

Now if I don’t see this new shit while I’m driving I’ma experience road rage

The flag and the White House can go up in flames and burn

If I sound like I’m speaking Spanish, I’ll break this verse down in Laymen terms.

You wrote this as a teenager. Wow!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S. Does it make since to help your human dad with taxes when he didn’t let you borrow the money for classes last year, and didn’t come through again this year?

3 Reasons Why The “Heartbroken Becomes The Heartbreaker” Cycle Needs To STOP!

Orange shirts

Do you recognize one of these shirts?

 

 

Dear Har-old,

It’s the year 2014 for you. And you haven’t experienced true love as of yet. In my time it’s 2041, and you have. Between your present time and my future time you have broken hearts … and had yours broken. You know I’m strategic, and being this is my first letter to you in months, I know you deduced your first love is imminent. It is. Deeper thinker would also suggest which side of the fence you will be standing on. Reasoning would say since you know the outcome, when you meet her avoid subsequent encounters. You can do that. But it’s STILL gone happen. Unless, of course, you are inwardly detached and don’t give the relationship your all in fear of the pain of heartbreak. That’s not the way to live. This letter will protect your child-like spirit from the rigidness of the adult world. Okay. I want you to picture your dream girl (Think Janelle Monae) and imagine she just broke your heart. You are in a delicate position with a critical decision to make. Will you make it with your heart or head? You being emotional this letter will show why the head is above the heart.

Because it makes you close-minded

Did you know your heart is made out of glass? Folded arms are the heart’s bulletproof vest. However, you won’t be able to speak this body language until the heart shatters into the hardest logic puzzle EVER. Then BOOM! Someone solves it. Well … not quite! Every time they try to put the last puzzle piece in they get cut. Blood is drawn. You and your best friend have the following conversation:

Best Friend: Girl, whatever happen to Har-old? Y’all shared the same birthday; both y’all wanted the same amount of kids and had the same philosophy on to how to raise ‘em; both y’all’s ultimate goal was to have a successful business; y’all finished each other sentences. Shit! Y’all was like the male and female version of each other.

You: Girl, his favorite color was orange! That motherfucker that broke my heart favorite color was orange. I told Har-old to pick another favorite color and his stubborn ass wouldn’t do it. Sooooo *sings* I’m single and back on the prowl …

Repair your broken heart by yourself. Replace that cheap, easily breakable stuff with Gorilla/Sapphire Glass and open your arms again. It may seem like the best way to protect yourself against painful experiences is to be rigid. You will kill the playful, receptive child in you when you do. And when you do, no one will think you’re cute enough to be around.

Because you REALLY fell in love with your imagination

You just spent an abrupt yet enchanting evening with your beloved. “What’s this?” They left some sort of  Frisbee-sized, empty-centered circle behind. You call and tell them they forgot it. They say, “I’ll get it later.” Later becomes months. Now, y’all still have seen each other during this time. But the encounters were so brief and the moments so intoxicating, that by the time you remembered to say, “Don’t forget your … “ they were long gone. One day, you sit this ring-like disk in a prominent place, no matter the beautiful chaos, you won’t forget to return it. But something important happens. The circle gives you the ability to do something you couldn’t do with them standing next to you : Think. Something their overwhelming presence wouldn’t allow. Their mere association with the disk gives your imagination the required space to run wild. But something freaks you out as your thoughts become the more intense: that disk faintly glows. But you like where your thoughts are going. You don’t want to stop. Not now! Your fantasy reaches a thrilling climax. When you open your eyes you see the light, a steady light running through the disk. It’s a halo. What was once going to be given to them in their hand will now be placed on top of their head. Only after they break your heart will you realize why they weren’t in a rush to get the “halo” back … it wasn’t theirs.

Because the person who broke your heart WINS

Opposites attract. Have you noticed the difficulty for two heartbreakers to find each other even when it’s more of them in the world? And because it’s more of them, that naturally makes it harder for two innocent people to cross paths. Therefore, it’s always the innocent and the heartbreaker running into each other. When the world first started it was warm. Then the first person who got their little heart broke said, “I vow to never experience this pain again. For now on, I’m the heartbreaker.” Thus, began the “heartbroken becomes the heartbreaker” cycle. The world became cold. Why? Because no one  never said, “I like getting my heart-broken.” And you shouldn’t like it, because it’s no fun. But what is fun? Winning and maintaining your individuality. Because you lose when you become what/who you hate.

One day, a man was breaking up with his girlfriend at the park. The argument was loud enough to be heard by other park-goers. One woman in particular happened to been the original woman who broke the man’s heart. The man used the woman’s breakup monologue verbatim from 4 years ago. The woman pulled a bag of popcorn from out of her purse and sat down on a nearby bench. After the girlfriend ran off crying and the “show” was over, the woman put EVERY SINGLE heartbreaker on the world’s biggest conference call and said, “We got another one!” It’s your job to say, “FUCK A SEQUEL!”and write an original screenplay that will have your sneaky-ass EX choking on a popcorn kernel. This is YOUR movie!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

 

P.S. You did good on the 1st and 2nd. But now … you been fucking up! Phone off at 8. Up at 6. COME ON! COME ON!

“Why Is There A Smoke Detector In My Bedroom?” Residents of Burned Down Apartment Complex Demand Answers

misplaced smoke detector

It’s looking right over my bed. How freaking convenient?!

 

In August of 2013, Oscar Ozell, 23, was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the day he had – his startup had won a thousand dollar pitch contest. For the first time in his 3 year residency at 308 Eves, Ozell saw something that was out-of-place: A smoke detector in his bedroom hanging up above the entrance to his dressing room. “Why is there a smoke detector in my bedroom?” Ozell curiously said to himself. A red-light was blinking. “Am I being secretly recorded?” Ozell logically thought to himself. Ozell jumped out bed and disconnected the device from the wall to investigate its interior.

What did he find? A hidden spy camera.

Then like an application bouncing when you click it on the iDock, Ozell’s subconscious delivers a relevant thought to the forefront of his mind. “I paid my rent 18 months in advance. So, I had no reason to ever go in the leasing office. But the one time I did, this lady, Karen, knew my name. She was NOT the person I dealt with when I moved in.”

What would that mean? Ozell admits to forgetting his name when he has sex and asking his girlfriend what it is.

“First thing I did was call my girlfriend.”

“I answer the phone and hear him screaming, ‘They been watching us. They been watching us this whole entire time,’ ” says the girlfriend.

It was after-hours. The leasing office was closed. Management has gone home. And it would stay this way for 3 days being Labor Day weekend.

“I didn’t know any of my neighbors. Never got to know them good enough to be invited inside their apartment. I had to get in there. And what a good ice-breaker this was: Hey, has the temperature in your bedroom ever became so hot and steamy the smoke detector in there went off?”

Ozell befriended 3 neighbors and discovered he was not alone in having a smoke detector appropriately looking over his bed.

Then.

On Labor Day, 12 hours before Ozell and his new friends angrily marched into the leasing office, a fellow neighbor, Simon Freed, caused a massive 10-alarm fire frying fish.

The worse fire to hit Tennessee in a decade.

Over 600 people was in the eleven-storied building that night. Every single one made it out alive.

“We use to play this game as kids. If your house caught on fire and you could only save one inanimate object, what would it be and why? My cellphone,” said Ozell.

His answer to why is the above photo, which after the destruction of 216 apartment units, was the only evidence that could have implicated 308 Eves.

Because of that photo, management was handed tough prison sentences.

Because of that photo, the displaced tenants were rewarded all their rent and utility money from the time they moved in to their last payments.

Because of that photo, Ozell and friends had the money to move into homes where the smoke detector is conveniently stored in the kitchen.

 

Built on top:

  • Real life experience

Let’s play a game: If your house caught on fire and you could save only one inanimate object, what would it be and why?