Security Guard Apartment Complex Hired To Patrol Pool Pees In It

blood gel

 

Leasing manager, Lisa Bannister, sat down Monday morning to review the weekend’s cameras. What she saw was “unbelievable.” Video of the security guard her apartment complex, 308 Eves, hired to patrol the pool “passing water” in it.

“It was shocking. We hired him because the number of people the camera showed in the pool clashed with the number of people who scanned their pass to unlock the pool’s gate. We didn’t know if they were residents who forgot to come by the office to get their pass or people off the street.”

WFTV caught up with the now fired security guard. “How you hire someone to stay in one place for hours and don’t have a restroom for them to use? I took myself on a tour of the grounds. Laundry room; empty room; storage room; empty room. I went into their fitness center and asked this guy working out was there any restrooms. He said, ‘In your apartment.’ I don’t live here. I work here. I didn’t know any of the residents personally and I didn’t want to risk leaving the premises. I drunk a 2 Liter of purple stuff. I had to go!,” the security guard told reporters.

308 Eves said they will turn one of their empty lobby rooms into a bathroom-for-guests before they hire their next security guard.

Built on top of: 

  • I was the guy working out

If you was the security guard, would you asked a resident to use their bathroom, went to a nearby store, or pee’d in the pool? Explain your answer.

 

Aside

Har-old, why are thoughts of sex and food clothed with action faster than any other idea crying for diapers in your head? We have a problem! A big fucking problem! When you’re horny, you don’t masturbate/have sex. When you’re hungry, you don’t eat. Yeah, that seems like the natural thing to do, however, when you firmly believe ejaculation affects productivity and food affects mood then transmutation becomes an acquired taste. I mean, just what if you disconnected your thoughts and actions when it came to sex and food. Say, you thought of food/sex like you normally do, but instead of acting on them you spirit your attention on the ideas you procrastinate on. Hunger and concupiscent energy are the keys to action. This can be for ANY action; not always the one that’s natural.

Another thing. Don’t try to break faith with the food affects mood and ejaculation affects productivity philosophy. Napoleon Hill is already in your head. I don’t wanna hear about the fat rich man or the billionaire playboy. They’re them and you are you! Tell me something … what does the days you’ve checked off almost or all the things on your Daily Schedule have in common?

 

 

 

 

Horny & Hungry

Heart Patch

 

 

FADE IN

INT. WAREHOUSE – MORNING

DAY ONE

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar) (thinks to self) This heat is getting to me.

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smile) (thinks to self) There she go! Her hair hasn’t been done since she’s been her. Always these 2 big braids. She looks like my cousin Damon in the face. Can pass for Snoop Dogg’s daughter more than Snoop Dogg’s daughter. You can’t tell if she has breast from a distance. Her jeans have more leg room than most girls. Yet, I see pass all that. I love her body structure! She is the only girl I want to talk to in here.

INT. WAREHOUSE – AFTERNOON

DAY TWO

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar) I am hot. The fan never blows on me.

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smiles) (thinks to self) There she go! I wonder will I make things awkward for her and her friend … nah that’s definitely her cousin or sister. Them 2 and that other girl they always be with look too much alike to not be blood. But I wonder will it be awkward if I tried to talk to her when her sister was the one who seemed interested in me with that, “What are you reading?” question? I don’t know. I’m just so attracted to her. I need to find out her name. It looks like it start with an S. Skylar? I love the way she move. She walk just like a ballplayer. Basketball? Soccer? Baseball!!! But her walk looks a little different today. Her shoulders are hunched over. Her posture is usually erect, with her shoulders back and down. Chest poking out. She looks tired.

INT. WAREHOUSE – EVENING

DAY THREE

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar and leaves index, middle finger in shirt) (thinks to self) I feel sweat rolling down my back! (balls fist) Ugh!

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smiles) (thinks to self) There she … whoa! She’s limping, and dragging her leg! What happened? She’s walking like she’s been walking on these warehouse floors for 20 years. Probably injured herself playing basketball or something. Hmm.

INT. WAREHOUSE – MORNING

DAY FOUR

*Nubrisco walks across the floor with a grey tote in his hand. 4 pieces of paper hang from the wall letting employees know which defective product go where: No collate; damages; needs monogram; missing pieces.*

MS. JOYCE

What’s that, Nubrisco?

NUBRISCO

Damaged. (turns around)

GIRL

(crawling on the floor)

NUBRISCO

(runs to her aid) (pulls her up) Are you alright?

GIRL

I lost all feeling in my leg.

NUBRISCO

What’s wrong?

GIRL

For the last couple days I been getting this same beach towel with my name on it. (shows towel to Nubrisco)

NUBRISCO

(camera zooms in on towel through Nubrisco’s POV, as if his eyes couldn’t believe what he saw) (thinks to self) Skylar? I was right!

GIRL

And it came with this heart that needs to be patched on it. I put it in the right area all the time so I’m confused why I keep getting it back the next day the same way. Don’t think I’m crazy, but it’s been messing with me psychologically: Seeing my name on this beach towel without the heart attached.

NUBRISCO

Let me see it.

GIRL

(hands Nubrisco the towel and heart)

NUBRISCO

(holds the towel in his left hand, heart in his right) (presses the heart against the towel for 5 seconds) (dangles the towel)

GIRL

OH MY GOD! IT’S NOT FALLING OFF! HOW YOU … HOW YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS?! ONLY A STEAM-IRON COULD HAVE DONE THAT! (scratches head)

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar)

GIRL

(jumps in Nubrisco’s arms)

*Aerial view camera shows Nubrisco and Skylar hugging. Nubrisco swings Skylar in his arms*

FADE TO BLACK

Loaded Lux’s Prop For Murda Mook Rematch Leaked

Total Slaughter logo

 

New York — Two credible sources confirm the prop Loaded Lux will use in his long-awaited rematch with Murda Mook at Total Slaughter on July 12th.

They spoke on anonymity, as they still do business with Lux.

We was watching the Goodz and Verb battle. Smack rarely shows the entrances, so when he introduced them to the stage I knew something special was gone happen. Verb comes out. Nothing special. Goodz comes out rocking the gold jacket Verb wore battling Swave. Lux stared at the screen with this confused look on his face then jump up and take this old dusty NorthFace jacket out. I said, what’s that, beloved? He was like, ‘This it! This it! I’m gone wear Mook’s jacket. This is just what I needed.’

The second story comes from a woman acquaintance:

Lux was going over his rounds with me. Before he started rapping, I told him to take off that hot ass jacket. He told me that it would be a part of his Wardrobe this Saturday. He told me after his first battle with Mook, the Aces Click took Mook’s jacket and it’s been in his closet this whole time. He has just been waiting for the right time to use it.

During the battle, Mook embarrassingly had to say, “I don’t like fighting,” after reciting violent lyrics when someone in Lux’s camp took offense at Mook’s aggression. In a deleted video posted on YouTube in 2007, members of the Aces Click claim to have robbed Mook after his battle with Loaded Lux. They showed off a dark-looking jacket to the camera. Loaded Lux confirmed the robbery in his song, Head Crack, spitting “2 winters later, you ain’t get your coat back yet.”

UPDATE: Murda Mook is investigating the identities of the anonymous sources to help him furthermore by getting his jacket back before Saturday’s Total Slaughter to thwart Loaded Lux’s plans.

 

 

Built on top of:
•Goodz coming out in Aye Verb’s jacket

Do you think Mook will get his jacket back before Saturday?

Subway Code

image

Dear Har-old,

No internet access at home, you say.

The library is too far and $3.50 to catch the bus will be a waste of money, you say.

Your old student ID badge is outdated and the library form for a guest to use the community college’s computers is too personal, you say.

Fine!

Free WiFi at a Subway that’s 3 minutes from home, I say!

Hmm? What was that? Really? That’s your excuse? That you have to buy food if you want to sit down and use their WiFi?

Get the bleep out of here!

EXCUSES!!!

It’s been almost a year since you logged in on Codecademy. And before that, 5 months!

Why? Because the neighbor you was stealing WiFi from … moved!

Hey, at least it’s not because you gave up on coding because it frustrated you.

Har-old, you need to learn how to code by any means necessary. Unless the

H2 header

isn’t the only thing that stuck with you after all this time then you gotta press reset.

I didn’t become my own technical co-founder by watching The Social Network a million times. I did it by staying consistent on Codecademy, being friends with programmers, and letting new knowledge stick through application. You know, building stuff.

HTML/CSS/JAVASCRIPT.

Let’s go!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

Potential Battle Rap Sponsor Head Trampled During Dizaster, Math Hoffa Fight

screenshot of math hoffa and dizaster battle at kotd bola5

Click photo to see the closes view of the first punch from Dizaster

A man’s head from a higher corporation got trampled this past weekend (June 28th) at King Of The Dot’s (KOTD) Battle Of Los Angeles 5 (BOLA) event during the Dizaster and Math Hoffa brawl.

The man, who wishes to keep his name and his company’s name confidential was invited to the BOLA event by Davone Campbell, known to battle rap fans as “Daylyt.” Here’s his account of what happened:

“I’m an A&R at a big time record label. I’ve been following the KraCC City Movement for some time now. I got in touch with Davone and told him I wanted to invest in some new talent. He convinced me to come out to an event he was participating in at Los Globos. I was doing nothing that Saturday, why not. He said it was a battle rap event. I had no clue what battle rap was. I did some research prior to going and was really disturbed by the violent lyrics. But Daylyt assured me KOTD was a ‘non-violent organization.’ So in the last round while the Dizaster fellow was rapping, he looked at me. I was standing right behind the black guy. I think my suit threw him off and caused him to stumble. That’s when he looked back at the Mathematical guy and said ‘I should fucking punch you.’ The guy said ‘Do it then!’ Me wanting to get in the spirit of the crowd when they say ‘Talk to that N word such and such’ I said ‘Yeah do it Dizzy.’ Before I know it, I am laying on the ground being trampled. All was going through my head was defeat/the feet lines.”

Surprisingly, the man, who suffered a minor concussion in the mêlée said he still wants to become a potential battle rap sponsor but said if leagues want his money they will have to implement 3 changes. First, he said future grudge matches will have to be Facetimed/Skyped to prevent battle rappers with a history from fighting with more than words. Second, he said he wants “gun bars” to die. He specifically mentioned a battle rapper by the name of Tay Roc, who he said he is terrified of. “The only thing funny about that Tay Roc guy is how he says words with a U in it. Other than that, he is a bonafide monster. I believe everything he says he will do to his opponent. If he says he will Emmit Till you then dammit he will Emmit Till you. And the final rule he says he wants in place is, “No more defeat/the feet lines. I might have flashbacks hearing one of those again.”

Built on top of:

  • A line from Daylyt’s response video
  • Total Slaughter’s Upcoming Event on July 12th

What future grudge matches need to be facetimed/skyped?

Pictures With People Laughing And Pointing In Them Almost Kills Photographer

image

Guess who created this caption?

“When he didn’t immediately call me to tell me how he did on the LSAT, I knew he failed,” said Meghan Zane, who may have saved her boyfriend, Patrick Ross, from committing suicide.

Zane called Ross instead. Her suspicions was confirmed. Ross scored poorly. “The last thing he said on the phone was that he was going home to get some rest then we hung up. Then I quickly realized how bad of an idea that was. I called back several times but he wasn’t answering. So, I jumped in the car to beat him home. I knew if he got there first, that would have been a nap he never woke from,” said the girlfriend.

Zane continued, “Pat worked as an exclusive photographer. You had to be a lawyer to be his client. In some of the poses he had them point at the camera and laugh. In group shots, he had one lawyer whisper into the other’s ear. Then without their knowledge, he would go home and hang these pictures all over the walls in his apartment. He did this for motivation. For inspiration. He pretended that these lawyers, these people already in their chosen field was making fun of him for still being a photographer. I always invited him to my place because I hated going to his. Those pictures were so creepy. It’s like the finger-pointing was following me everywhere I moved like a GIF. I even started getting paranoid and would fake laugh to see if I still heard laughter after mines stopped. Why would they laugh at me? I don’t want to be a lawyer. I was going crazy. I had to get out of there.”

UPDATE: Meghan has broken up with Patrick because she fears losing him to suicide anyway if he doesn’t become a lawyer anytime soon. Meghan’s ex-boyfriend was killed by a drunk driver. She doesn’t want to lose another boyfriend in an untimely manner. Breakups can be nasty. This one was no different. When Patrick got Meghan fired from her job at Arby’s by making her late (she already had excessive tardies), Meghan got her revenge by telling all Patrick’s clients what he was doing with their photos. This has led to every lawyer in the state of New York refusing to work with Patrick, thus making him homeless as he wasn’t able to make ends meet. When we caught up with him a few days later, he was back living with his mother. The walls in his room was covered with pictures of women with an uncanny resemblance to Meghan. The poses were still the same, however, the finger-pointing seemed to be at an lower angle. All the male associates of Futuristically Yours strangely insisted doing the interview in another part of the house.

Built on top of:
A dream I had a few weeks ago

What’s so funny? I want to laugh too.

Fine M. Banker

 

 

FADE IN:

EXT./INT. REGIONS BANK – AFTERNOON

*An old man grabs the door handle of the bank*

SECURITY

Sir, you can’t go inside the bank wearing your hat and sunglasses.

OLD MAN

(removes hat and sunglasses) (walks into bank) (fills out deposit slip) (thinks to self) Who is that??? She is gorgeous! I have to get to her window. Ahhh, she wouldn’t want a guy like me, though. Big bald spot. How can I hide it? Hmm … (puts hat on). Then my cross-eyes. What can I do to cover them? Hmm … (puts sunglasses on). Ok, I’m ready.

BANK TELLER

 May I help the next person in line?

OLD MAN

(skips 8 people in line) That’ll be me, pretty woman! Ha!

BANK TELLER

(eyes widen) He’s finna rob the bank!

OLD MAN

Wheet?!?!

*The 8 people the old man jumped in front of tackle him to the ground*

PERSON 5

 I wanted to beat his ass for skipping me anyway. The light place about to close.

15 MINUTES LATER …

*Police escort the old man out the bank in handcuffs*

OLD MAN

Please don’t take me to jail. I wasn’t trying to rob the bank. You gotta believe me.

OFFICER

You tried to rob the wrong bank. Fool, what if my girlfriend got hurt?

OLD MAN

Who, who is your girlfriend?

OFFICER

(points at the pretty woman bank teller)

*Camera pans around the old man’s back showing his POV, revealing the officer’s old age, bald spot in the middle of his head, and cock-eyes.*

FADE TO BLACK

The Viral Video That Never Happened (But This Article Did!)

College building being demolished in Memphis

College building being demolished in Memphis

Waking up Tuesday morning to what he described as “a crumbling building in the movie Inception sound,” 27 years-young Hal McAuthor, walking to Walgreens, later that day, saw one of the nearby college towers being demolished by a wrecking ball. He had it. He called his best friend, Daniel Booker, over to his house. The idea was for one of them to jump the construction fence while the workers were on break, sneak on-site, climb the rubble to the top floor. Then a passerby (one of them), was to cellphone-record it and pretend someone was still trapped in the half-gone building. Things went smooth until Booker saw the construction workers coming back from lunch and called for McAuthor to come down. Somehow McAuthor’s foot got stuck in a door trying to escape. The cries for help were sincere this time. Exacerbating the situation was the workers having earbuds in. Worse of all … the wrecking ball driver. As Booker ran across the street, dodging traffic, to alert the crew, he dropped his phone. An elementary school bus steamrolled right over it. Relieved criminal trespassing and reckless endangerment charges wouldn’t be pursued, the 2 friends are disappointed their 52 second viral video was thrown under the bus. Hoping to redeem themselves, they’re hoping this article written about their misfortune goes viral. “Sharing rhymes with caring,” said, McAuthor.

Built on top of:
•Personal experiences

Happy Future Father’s Day

Did the author write a viral-worthy post?

The “Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher” Still On The Loose After Failed Police Sting Leaves 19 Cops In Hospital

I treated the birthday me to breakfast at Taco Bell.

I treated the birthday me to breakfast at Taco Bell.

An undercover sting operation to catch the “Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher” has backfired on the Philadelphia Police Department (PPD) as 19 officers convalesce from stab wounds at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital tonight.

The first known incident happened on April 9, 2014 when 11 African-Americans were walking South Street and the person in front mentioned he felt pain coming from his sides. He put his hands on his hips and felt moisture. He was bleeding. “We all took our hoodies off and handed them to him to stanch the bleeding,” one of the members said. Assuming their own sides was hurting from the physical exertion of trying to stop the flow and that the blood on their clothes was from their friend, they didn’t realize they were in the same dire need of help until one by one they fainted due to a loss of blood. 3 died. All 11 were stabbed multiple times. “We didn’t see anyone coming at us. We was just going about our business then all of a sudden everybody felt pain and started bleeding,” said one of the remaining members. This is the same story survivors of other group slashes have told Philadelphia detectives in the past 2 months. They did not know they had been stabbed.

Like a potato on gun muffles the sound, from examining the stab wounds on victims, detectives believe the “Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher” uses a kitchen knife that has butter on the edge to postpone the immediacy of pain and blood. As for the UnSub, detectives believes he or she is African-American themselves for their ability to fit in and never stand out from the crowd, extremely adept at crowd psychology, congenial to the point where you believe you have been knowing them for years and wears at least “3 everyday outfits” simultaneously incase a change of clothes is necessary to blend in. As for the process, he/she only targets crowds of at least 10 or more people, particularly African-Americans, as this has been the only ethnic involved thus far. No one individual has been stabbed in the city of Brotherly Love since the first reported incident in April, which prompted the PPD, in a news conference, urging the public to walk alone if they go out with a group. This has resulted in car-drivers and neighboring residents calling 911 with disturbing-the-peace complaints, as people are trying to hold a conversation from opposing ends of the street, yelling. A group of a dozen who lost their voice from such a shouting match ignored the law and decided to walk together but carried knives for protection. This led to their false imprisonment as police thought one of them or all of them was the  “Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher.”

Many celebrities have canceled mass-gathering performances in Pennsylvania as a whole until the serial stabber is captured after musician Miguel was reported saying he had to sing his hit single “Adorn” to 30,000 people … one by one. Tweets from the singer’s fans differ by gender. With female fans saying Miguel wrote the song just for them, leading to confusion and Twitter Beef when one woman saw another post something similar. Miguel’s male fans in Philly have dwindled significantly since the concert because the 1 on 1 time made them feel gay. One user, @ShutYoDumbAssUp tweeted, “I didn’t like the way he was looking in my eyes while he was singing, dog. He could’ve starred in space for 2 minutes of the song. It was a lot of it, you know.”

The 19 officers stabbed were able to immediately feel pain from the buttery knife because they prepped using a strategy called “In My Feelings.” Documents show some officers got jealous over their wife calling other guys on Facebook cute. Others let the provocative comments of men on their wives’ Instagram photos anger them. However, the “In My Feelings” technique didn’t prove effective as neither officer saw the suspect get-away. Detectives believe in this case the serial slasher probably blended in with them on the ground pretending to be in pain, lying with ketchup stains on shirt.

Although, there is a million dollar reward for the tip leading to the arrest of the “Crowded Room Killer,” (the non-racist nickname) the PPD reported few call-ins, suspecting many hate crowds of black people, but may love them individually.

We will keep you updated as this story progresses. Stay tuned!

Built on top of: 

Are you afraid of copy cats in your non-Philly city?

When Students Lying In Grass Is Mistaken For School Shooting

 

 

FADE IN:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – MORNING

*Camera sweeps across college campus showing students sleeping in the grass with their text books open*

PERSON 1 – (on the phone) Then I said Financial Aid?! What am I … poor?! (laughing)

*PERSON 1 turns corner to see the college’s big grassy field teem with horizontal bodies of students. Some groan from just waking up, however, to PERSON 1 it sounds like they are in pain.*

PERSON 1 – (drops phone) (faints)

3 minutes later …

*2 more students, male and female, turn the same corner.*

FEMALE STUDENT – (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!
MALE STUDENT – (eyes widen) What the …
FEMALE STUDENT – Oh my God, I think there was a school shooting. Oh my God, the killer could still be loose on campus. Oh my God, we gotta get out of here!
MALE STUDENT – No! Wait! What if we run into him as we exit? We must not take any chances. We must play dead.

*Both students drop where they stand*

MALE STUDENT – I’m going to call 911 while we’re laying here.
FEMALE STUDENT – Hurry! I don’t want you to be caught with your phone out.
MALE STUDENT – (whispers to 911 dispatcher) We need help. There has been a school shooting at *censored*. Hundreds are dead. Hurry! (disconnects)
FEMALE STUDENT – What if he comes back, walks the field to revel in his destruction and recognizes he didn’t shoot us???
MALE STUDENT – (takes ketchup packet out pocket) Here. Smear this across your shirt.
FEMALE STUDENT – Oh God, no! I just paid …
MALE STUDENT – (kicks her leg)

*They both rub the ketchup all over their shirt*

2 minutes later …

*The camera cuts to the face of a black person. The camera pans down showing his jacket fits unevenly. One side hangs lower than the other, and swings like a pendulum with each step. The style of the jacket is also mismatched with other clothing. The camera 360s around him showing his backpack, revealing he is a student.*

BLACK STUDENT – (turns corner) (eyes widen) Oh my God! There’s been a school massacre? (trembling) (starts running, takes backpack off so it doesn’t slow him down)

*As he gets back in front of the campus, dozens of police cars pull up*

POLICE – (jump out cars, aiming their guns) FREEZE! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW! GET DOWNNNNN!
BLACK STUDENT – NO! WAIT! I’M NOT THE SCHOOL SHOOTER. I’M ONE OF THE STUDENTS. PLEASE DON’T SHOOT!!!!
POLICE – WHERE’S YOUR BACKPACK?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks behind him to see his backpack in the distance, busted open with textbooks on ground) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHAT’S IN YOUR POCKET?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks down at both jacket pockets and sees how one sags lower) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHY YOUR JACKET DON’T MATCH YOUR PANTS, SHIRT, AND SHOES?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks down at his clothes and see the colors and design patterns don’t match his jacket) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY BLACK PERSON THAT GO TO THIS SCHOOL?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (tilts head to side slightly gesturing he is thinking) (facial expression go from confused look to that of astonishment realizing he is the only black person at the college) (looks up at the sky and screams) SHIT!!!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

Snoop Dogg Confronts 50 Cent About Unfollowing Him On Instagram

Based on actual events

Meanwhile at the South By Southwest conference …

Snoop – Yo cuz why you unfollowed me on Instagram? I know it ain’t because of the nails? I told you about that.
50 – Nah. Snoop, you know I only follow 5 people. When I started following you, your posts was coming so rapid, it flooded my timeline. I had to get you up off there.
Snoop – Why don’t you follow some more people, so we don’t have that problem then, nephew?
50 Cent – Why don’t you stop posting 15, 20 times a day?
Dick Costolo – *sensing the tension* Guys, guys, guys. It’s not that serious. It’s just social media. Y’all cool in real life, right?
Snoop – Wait a minute! Cuz this all your damn fault any-muthaf**king-way!!!
Dick Costolo – What? *throws hands up*
50 – Yeah, if you stop testing the Twitter Mute button in markets we don’t live in and just roll it out everywhere, we wouldn’t be going through this sh*t.
Snoop – *punches Dick Costolo and knocks him down*
Dick Costolo – … *gasping for air* But Twitter doesn’t even own Insta..
Snoop – *kicks Dick Costolo in the mouth* Ouch! Fool chipped my French mani. *kisses finger*
Jack Dorsey – *steps in* Guys, we don’t even show Instagram pics on …
50 – *knocks out Jack Dorsey with punch*
Snoop – Ooooh-weee. Pimping Curly. Pimp hand so strong. Let’s get up outta here for them other boys in blue come, cuz.
50 – Go! Go! Go, shawty!

*Snoop’s and 50’s entourages run off in distance*

FADE TO BLACK