Buy 1, Get 1 Free Milkshake At Chik-Fil-A

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. CHIK-FIL-A – DAY

EMPLOYEE

May I help the next person in line?

CUSTOMER

Hey.

EMPLOYEE

How are you doing today, sir?

CUSTOMER

Great.

EMPLOYEE

What can I get for you today?

CUSTOMER

I want 3 Chik-fil-A burgers …

EMPLOYEE

What?

CUSTOMER

3 Chik-Fil-A burgers …

EMPLOYEE

Who?

CUSTOMER

Huh?

EMPLOYEE

I’m sorry, sir, I’m having difficulty understanding you. Would you mind repeating your order?

CUSTOMER

I. Said. I. Want. Three. Chik. Fil. A. Burgers.

EMPLOYEE

Burgers? What are those?

CUSTOMER

Am I in Taco Bell or something? It’s right there on the menu … the Chik-Fil-A sandwich!

EMPLOYEE

Sandwichessss … there you go! Will that complete your order?

CUSTOMER

No. I also want a large fry. Aaannnddd gimme a large chocolate milkshake.

EMPLOYEE

How about I just get you the Chik-Fil-A combo and substitute the drink for that milkshake. It’ll be $1.60 more. Then add 2 Chik-Fil-A sandwichessss to your order. That way you’ll save some money compared to ordering those items individually. Is that fine?

CUSTOMER

That’s fine.

EMPLOYEE

Can I get a name for the order?

CUSTOMER

Atheist.

EMPLOYEE

But ….

CUSTOMER

Don’t start with me!

EMPLOYEE

Coming right up.

45 seconds later

EMPLOYEE

Order for At. At.

CUSTOMER

You funny, you know that!

EMPLOYEE

[Smiles]

CUSTOMER

Where’s my milkshake?

EMPLOYEE

They’re making it now. Did you want whip cream and a cherry?

CUSTOMER

Additional charge?

EMPLOYEE

No, sir.

CUSTOMER

Yeah.

EMPLOYEE

Here’s your milkshake, At.

CUSTOMER

What kind of milkshake is this?

EMPLOYEE

Hmm … it looks like … chocolate.

CUSTOMER

No, I asked for the cookies and cream one.

EMPLOYEE

Oh, okay, no worries, we’ll fix you another one. Would you like this one anyway? Because we’re gonna throw it away.

CUSTOMER

[Smiles]

FADE TO BLACK

This Is What Happens When You Have Me Rushing To Clean Up Because You Invited Yourself Over To Eat My Pizza

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

CRAIG

[takes bag out of freezer, puts food in pan, places pan in oven] I wish I had some noodles to go with these Steak Fingers.

[text notification]

CRAIG (CONT’D)

(mumble)

“I miss fighting with you too.”

Craig frowns and calls the number.

HOPE

Hello.

CRAIG

It’s been 3 weeks!

HOPE

Ugh.

CRAIG

You must be bored?

HOPE

[laughs] How’d you know?

CRAIG

Find some other guy to use for entertainment, okay.

HOPE

No, seriously, I wrote a reply the next day, but I forgot to press the send button.

CRAIG

How you forget to do something as natural as that?

HOPE

I was hesitant about letting you know I missed you back. I was still upset at that about that “What’s up my ass” text after I texted you what’s up when I woke up. I didn’t respond to your earlier texts that day because I was sleep. And I was just sitting here bored, and you crossed my mind. I was wondering why you haven’t bothered me in a while then I looked at our texts and saw the text I sent you today still saved in a draft.

CRAIG

I don’t believe you!

 HOPE

So, you don’t wanna be my friend?

CRAIG

Whatever!

HOPE

What you doing?

CRAIG

Cooking, but I’m thinking about turning off this oven and ordering a pizza.

HOPE

You gone invite your friend over?

CRAIG

Seriously?

HOPE

Yeah, we been talking for months and haven’t met yet. You flaked me out twice.

CRAIG

I did not flake you out either time. The first time I …

HOPE

Let’s forget the past. Let’s have a meet and greet. I haven’t eaten in all day and I’m starving.

CRAIG

(reluctantly)

Okay!

HOPE

What kind you getting?

CRAIG

Papa John’s.

HOPE

Oooh, my favorite.

CRAIG

What toppings you want?

HOPE

It don’t matter. Long as it don’t have nuts on it. I’m allergic.

CRAIG

I’m getting one called John’s Favorite. It got sausage, pepperoni, and 6 different cheeses.

HOPE

That sounds good to me!

CRAIG

Well, I need to clean up and take a shower.

HOPE

We ain’t finna fuck!

CRAIG

Wheet?! Umm … what does me taking a shower have to do with sex??? I been working all day and haven’t taken one since I been home.

HOPE

Well, I’m not gone get ready.

CRAIG

Umm … why?

HOPE

Until I know it’s real.

CRAIG

What’s real?

HOPE

Us meeting. I mean, you flaked me out twice.

CRAIG

I did not …

HOPE

Let’s not talk about the past!

CRAIG

How you gone know it’s real?

HOPE

When you text me your address?

CRAIG

Okay, I’ll be ready in 30 minutes.

Craig and Hope hang up. Craig takes a shower. As he is cleaning the toilet, he thinks about Hope’s shower sex comment and becomes intensely offended.

CRAIG

[sends Hope text saying, “I don’t wanna fuck you. I’m not even attracted to you.”]

HOPE

[sends a reply saying, “K.”]

As Craig is continuing to clean the toilet, the single letter reply text Hope sent starts bothering him intensely.

CRAIG

[calls Hope]

HOPE

Hello.

CRAIG

Look! Our first meeting should be in the day time and in public. Not 10:30 at night at my house. Because I don’t want you thinking I’m trying to fuck you!

HOPE

Craig, it was a joke!

CRAIG

Was it?

HOPE

Yesss. You need to loosen up. I know you’re not attracted to me. You remind me all the time. [laughs]

CRAIG

I still think we should meet in public, when the sun is out. This is short notice for me. I hate not having a plan.

HOPE

You know I’m a Gemini, right?

CRAIG

So am I.

HOPE

So you should know I’m not gone let you keep flaking me out and being cool about it.

CRAIG

(sighs)

Just grab a piece of paper and a pen so you can write down my address.

25 minutes later 

EXT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

When Hope gets out her car Craig hugs her for 30 seconds. 

CRAIG

Let me show you some of our amenities. That’s how pool.

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

CRAIG

You know what a laundry room looks like. But I ought to show you the FIXED washers and dryers in there.

HOPE

Finally! I remember you telling me about that.

CRAIG

Here’s our gym. I will be in here tomorrow after eating this Papa Johns.

HOPE

[laughs]

INT. STUDY ROOM – NIGHT

CRAIG

And here’s our study room. They just added this room. It’s mostly for parents to get away from their kids so they can study for school. This where we gone wait on our pizza at. Just talk before we go up to my apartment.

Hope puts her belongings on the first table near the entrance.

CRAIG

Oh no! We gone sit here at this table in the corner.

HOPE

Your pictures don’t do you justice.

CRAIG

What do you mean?

HOPE

You look better in person.

CRAIG

You saying my photography skills are bad?

HOPE

No, just some people aren’t picture perfect.

CRAIG

That’s my first time hearing that. I must say you are taller than I expected and don’t take this the wrong way but look like a mature 40-year-old woman.

HOPE

I’m 27 and it’s the glasses I got on. I’m blind. I can’t see with my peripherals. On the way … [jumps up and screams]

CRAIG

What’s wrong?

HOPE

A bug fell in my hair. [removes hairband and shakes braids]

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

CRAIG

Before we go in, I just wanna hug you again.

HOPE

Umm, okay.

CRAIG

I just want you to feel loved.

HOPE

Loved?

CRAIG

Yeah, because of that unattractive stuff. You look better in person too. And also because we haven’t really got along since we met. [laughs]

HOPE

You got that right.

Craig hugs Hope for 15 seconds, rubbing her arms and upper back.

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

CRAIG

You ready to eat some pizza?

HOPE

Yes, I am starving. I almost ate a turkey sandwich because I thought you was gone flake on me. But I had some hope in you.

CRAIG

I love your name … NO! NO! NO! Those 4 are your slices.

HOPE

[laughs] You act like we got half and half different toppings. It’s all the same.

CRAIG

Yeah, I know, but I had them cut it and designate which ones was mines and which ones was yours.

HOPE

Okay, cool.

An hour passes. 

CRAIG

You been scratching all night. You okay?

HOPE

I’m itching. My arms and my nose. Is it red?

CRAIG

Yeah it is. I apologize. I was cleaning up before you got here. I only got to the toilet. Although, I knew you wasn’t gone take a bath over here I was cleaning the tub too. There’s still dirty dishes in the sink. Could it be dust?

HOPE

I don’t know. Maybe I’m allergic to you. [laughs]

CRAIG

[laughs] This is embarrassing. I wanted to have my apartment clean before you got here.

HOPE

It’s okay because when I’m a slob. When I lived by myself I had stuff everywhere. I won’t wash my panties and bras until I’m down to the last one.

CRAIG

I just wanted everything to be so presentable for you.

HOPE

It’s okay. You’re a bachelor. I don’t know what it is. The only thing I’m allergic to is nuts and the pizza doesn’t have any.

CRAIG

Of course, not!

HOPE

Well, I’m getting tired.

CRAIG

You want your other 3 slices of pizza.

HOPE

Nah.

CRAIG

Sure? You only ate one slice. You gone be hungry on your lunch-break at work.

HOPE

I don’t think I’m going. I’m starting to get a stomach ache.

CRAIG

Well, let me walk you down.

EXT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

HOPE

Well I’m happy I finally got to meet you!

CRAIG

Me too! Give me a hug!

Craig and Hope hug, with Craig picking Hope up off her feet squeezing her.

CRAIG

Okay, you go this way to get out of here. I’ll meet you at the gate.

Craig walks over to the exit while Hope drives around the apartment complex to leave. When she meets him there she stops the car to say parting words.

CRAIG

You made it! Well it was nice …

Another car pulls in and Hope pulls Craig closer to her car through the driver side.

HOPE

You almost got hit by a car!

CRAIG

Oh, I thought you was giving me another hug.

HOPE

Nah. I was saving your life. [laughs]

CRAIG

Text me when you get home so I know you made it there safely.

INT. CRAIG’S APARTMENT- NIGHT

The camera shows a closed elevator door. A manic cackle is heard in the background. As the number above the elevator door go from 1 to 10 the laughter becomes louder. When the number reaches 11 the doors open. Craig is on his knees. As Craig is crawling to his apartment door, which he is unable to find because he can’t see due to the tears in his eyes from laughing, the scene cuts to a sequence of events that happened just moments before Craig and Hope met: Craig placing a roach on the wall in the study room; Craig rubbing itching powder on the sleeves of his jacket; Craig sprinkling small nuts on 4 slices of pizza before re-entering the study room with Hope.

FADE TO BLACK

Did You Lose .35 or $3.50 In The Vending Machine?

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2014

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* Damn, 65 cents for a small bag of chips? Am I paying more because they’re baked? Forget it, I’m hungry. [inserts dollar in vending machine] Where’s my change?

Some guy walks into break room. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

Pardon me.

SOME GUY

Hey.

EMPLOYEE

Where do you report lost money in the vending machine?

SOME GUY

To security, and they’ll give you your money right back.

EMPLOYEE

Okay, thanks.

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I lost some money in the machine. What do I do?

SECURITY

[grabs small piece of paper] You fill out this form with your name, how much you lost, what type of item it was.

EMPLOYEE

What about where it say vending machine serial number?

SECURITY

Don’t worry about that.

Employee fills out form. 

EMPLOYEE

Okay, I’m done. What do I do with it?

SECURITY

Leave it here at the desk. We’ll give it to the vending machine man.

EMPLOYEE

Will I get my money back today?

SECURITY

The vending machine man won’t be back until Monday.

EMPLOYEE

[rubs ear]

INT. COMPANY NAME  – MORNING

NOVEMBER 17, 2014

EMPLOYEE

[walks into break room] Hey, I lost money in the vending machine Friday. I filled out a form and left it with security.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

They haven’t given me anything.

EMPLOYEE

They haven’t?

VENDING MACHINE MAN

No.

Employee walks to security station.

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I filled out a form Friday, reporting lost money in the vending machine.

SECURITY

Let’s see. [grabs small piece of paper] Is this yours?

EMPLOYEE

Yeah. *thinks to self* Why they didn’t give it to the vending machine man when he came in this morning?

SECURITY

You take it to HR.

EMPLOYEE

Now you take it to HR?

SECURITY

Yeah, they’ll give you your money back.

Employee walks to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

Yes, how may I help you?

EMPLOYEE

I lost some money in the vending machine. I filled out this form at security. They told me HR gives us our money back.

HR

That’s not *insert Company name* vending machine. The vending machine company handles that. They give us a certain amount of money a week to reimburse people who lost their money. I don’t have any today.

INT. COMPANY NAME  – MORNING

NOVEMBER 18, 2014

Employee walks to HR office and knock on door.

EMPLOYEE

Hey …

HR

I don’t have any money today.

EMPLOYEE

[sigh]

INT. COMPANY NAME – MORNING

NOVEMBER 19, 2014

Employee comes to work and overhears an co-worker talking to the vending machine man in passing.

CO-WORKER

I lost three-fifty in that machine yesterday, sir.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

Employee walks to HR office and knocks on door. 

EMPLOYEE

Has the …

HR

No money today.

Employee walks fast back to break room. 

EMPLOYEE

Argh. He’s gone!

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

NOVEMBER 20, 2014

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I need to fill out a lost money in the vending machine form.

SECURITY

When did you lose it?

EMPLOYEE

Last Friday.

SECURITY

Why you just now filling out one?

EMPLOYEE

I filled out one Friday and brought it everyday. HR never had money. I forgot and left it home today.

SECURITY

Here you go. [hands over form]

Employee fills out name, date, how much was lost, type of food, etc. The employee walks to HR and as their knuckles were about to knock on the door, they freeze. The employee walks to the break room, looking at all the vending machines. He stops at the machine that sells microwavable food. The camera shows the employee’s POV: It shows the machine accepts 1’s and 5’s and that a cup of noodles is $1.50. The employee looks up to the right and sees a flashback of their co-worker telling the vending machine man they lost $3.50.

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* I never told HR or the vending machine man how much I lost. Security didn’t even look at my form. How crazy would I look putting up all this fuss for a week all for 35 cents? I need to be reimbursed for my money and my time for waiting. Let me move this dot over and put a zero here. Just incase they ask, let me have my story straight: I put $5 in here for a cup of noodles.

Employee walks back to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

[opens door] I got money today.

EMPLOYEE

[hands form]

HR

$3.50 … hmmm … well … I don’t have any change. They only gave me ones. I guess you’re gonna get four dollars. A 50 cent profit. [laughs]

EMPLOYEE

[laughs] Why, thank you!

HR

You’re welcome. Until next time.

EMPLOYEE

I can’t wait …

Employee closes HR door back up. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

… until the vending machines start accepting 100’s.

FADE TO BLACK

Wal-Mart Door Greeter Says “Fuck You Too!”

Based on true story

FADE IN

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

CUSTOMER

[approaches Wal-Mart entrance]

DOOR GREETER

Here ya go. [pushes grocery basket to customer]

CUSTOMER

[moves door greeter’s basket out the way; grabs own basket]

DOOR GREETER

Fuck you, too!

CUSTOMER

Nah, fuck you! Don’t push no damn basket at me! Old ass *censored* working at Wal-Mart. Where your ambition at? HUH?!

INT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer shops for food then goes to Deli section to order some Ranch Chicken and Jalapeno bombers. Cook takes too long to come to front and take order. Customer sees grandma entering. 

CUSTOMER

I’m about to come out. This the last thing I’m about to get.

GRANDMA

It’s okay. I need to get a few things anyway.

CUSTOMER

Where you get your basket?

GRANDMA

Just on the outside.

CUSTOMER

Did you see an old man out there?

GRANDMA

Yeah, it’s two guys out there.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, one of them said “fuck you” to me ’cause I wouldn’t take the basket he pushed at me.

GRANDMA

Watch your mouth!

CUSTOMER

That’s all you heard, grandma?

COOK

Yes sir, what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER

I’ll be right back. I need to go handle something.

COOK

Sure?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I’ll be right back.

Customer finds supervisor and reports what happened at the entrance. 

SUPERVISOR

What he look like?

CUSTOMER

Older; dark-skin; had on one of those blue vest; a beanie on his head.

SUPERVISOR

Had on a Wal-Mart vest?

CUSTOMER

Um, yeah. *thinks to self* I think I saw blue?

SUPERVISOR

Did you see his name on his vest?

CUSTOMER

No. *thinks to self* Why didn’t I wear my glasses today? Ugh!

SUPERVISOR

Let me go see who you’re talking about. Wait here.

Supervisor walks to entrance and comes back 5 minutes later. 

SUPERVISOR

I didn’t see who you were talking about.

CUSTOMER

He probably moved now. This happened about 15-18 minutes ago. I shopped first. Do y’all got cameras outside where y’all store the baskets at?

SUPERVISOR

Yeah, we can see you from all the way down the street, up the block and around the corner. I’ll be back. Wait here.

20 minutes later the supervisor communicates with a team leader who is standing with the customer.

 TEAM LEADER

She said which entrance you came in at: The home depot side or the food side?

CUSTOMER

 The food.

17 minutes later the supervisor buzzes in again. 

TEAM LEADER

She said what are you wearing.

CUSTOMER

Black jacket. Black jeans. Green polo. I’m light-skin.

Some old man wearing dark clothing and a beanie walks behind the customer service counter. 

CUSTOMER (CONT’D)

Who’s that?

TEAM LEADER

He works in automotive.

CUSTOMER

*thinks to self* Is that him? I can’t tell. Dammit, why didn’t I bring my glasses?! Let me stare at him and see if he stares back then I’ll know. He’s not looking this way! He just went into the back. Shit!

33 minutes later the supervisor communicates through the team leader. 

TEAM LEADER

She said how long ago this happened.

CUSTOMER

About 18 minutes ago. Well, nah, ’cause I been waiting right here for a minute so …

TEAM LEADER

19 minutes.

CUSTOMER

*jaw drops*

11 minutes pass.

CUSTOMER

Hey, I’ma go ahead and pay for my food.

TEAM LEADER

Okay. When you’re done, come back and wait right here.

CUSTOMER

[sadly]

Okayyyyyyy.

20 minutes later a security guard comes out. 

SECURITY

Hi sir. I’m Chris, the head security guard at Wal-Mart. The supervisor sent me out here to get an re-enactment of what happened.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, so,  I came in right here …

SECURITY

Did you pay for these groceries?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I did. *thinks to self* They wouldn’t have bags on them if I didn’t pay for ‘em, you idiot you!

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer re-enacts incident for security guard. 

CUSTOMER

And that’s how it all went down.

SECURITY

Yeahhhhh, we don’t have cameras out here. Sorry!

CUSTOMER

Whaaa … but the lady said she can see me down the … up the … around the … umm I’m going home!

Customer pushes grocery basket to truck in an hurry.

CUSTOMER

Sorry about that. They was doing all this investigating, and had me waiting and stuff.

GRANDMA

What happened?

CUSTOMER

My ice cream melted.

FADE TO BLACK

Company Makes Employees Do Jumping Jacks After Deadly Gas Hospitalizes Supervisor

Homemade Catfish and Homemade Arby's curly fries

I cooked all this. I ate all this. But I didn’t wanna wash them dishes tho!

 

At the start of the A and B shifts at Williams-Sonoma, there’s a meeting. The manager goes over the numbers from yesterday and today, parking, housekeeping, and reminding employees not to take a second 15 minute break. At the end of the meeting, the manager calls on a volunteer to lead the stretches before work.

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Because of carpal tunnel and standing up for 10 hours, throughout the day employees stretch more.

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Sometimes employees have fun at work by challenging co-workers to a folding contest of robes, sheets, or towels. The loser has to “drop down and gimme 50.”

They bend. They twist. They turn. They shout. But ever never jumping jacks.

Because jumping jacks is reserved for one thing at Williams-Sonoma. And one thing only: To warn an approaching co-worker of walking into a deadly fart.

I heard a bubbling sound in my stomach. It traveled to my ass. I had a bubble butt. The restroom is on the other side of the warehouse. I thought it was a waste of time to walk 70 feet to fart unless I had to pee too.  I had to make sure no one was around. I didn’t know if it was gone be silent or saying BURNT out-loud. I look left. Look right. Looked over my shoulder. Squinted my eyes to see ahead. Not a soul in sight. I let it out. Ahh, I felt 3 pounds lighter. Then suddenly, I heard somebody say, ‘Mr. Phillips!’ But I didn’t see nobody. I felt something drip on my head. I look up and my damn supervisor coming out the rafters like Sting! I told him to stay up there. He was like, ‘what? why?’ I said just do it. He got suspicious and thought I was stealing boxes. He told me I don’t tell him what to do. That he’s my leader, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t land on his feet. Nah, the rope didn’t break. It was one of those silent and deadly ones, alright. I couldn’t smell it. It’s mine. I’m immune to it.

Terius Phillips ran to a nearby phone and contacted security. The supervisor, Marlon Gray, fainted for holding his nose too long. He was hospitalized for 3 hours. When Gray returned the next day, he led the meeting for the A team. No numbers were discussed. No parking. No housekeeping. Just exercise. Gray told the morning shift-that started working 27 minutes late because Gray had to constantly stop his speech due to their uncontrollable laughter-that if the bathroom is far from their station and people are even further, it’s acceptable to fart in solitude, however, if a co-worker approaches after the release you must warn them by doing jumping jacks because warning people verbally will just bring out their perversity.

The company chose jumping jacks as the perfect “air refresher exercise” because of the fanning motion of the arms and legs.

UPDATE: Three employees were suspended 2 days for abusing the system. “Every time I approached one of them with a stack of labels they started doing jumping jacks,” said team lead, Curtis Hayward. “This affected our production numbers tremendously for the first 2 hours of our shift, so, I got clever and put on an Ebola mask. You should’ve seen their faces when I pulled it out. Priceless.” But a familiar can of spray they left behind is what extended their 15 minute break to 48 hours. In the drawers at their respective stations, the employees had a can of Air MESSenger, which is artificial flatulence.

Built on top of:

  • Recent events of 3 jobs I worked at. 

Have you ever farted in solitude and somebody came out of nowhere and walked into it?

 

 

Shit! Batman Knows Where I Live (FY’s 300th Post)

 

Based on a true story

FADE IN

INT. EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Earl puts on his workout clothes and leaves his apartment, which is on the 6th floor. There are 14 units on the floor (hallways). He pushes the elevator’s button and the fire alarm rings.

INT. OUTSIDE EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

EARL

(startled)

The hell?! Did I do that? Let me get back in my apartment before someone sees me.

Earl struggles to unlock his door despite having one key on his chain. He fumbles and inserts them in the lock wrong. A neighbor wearing a Batman mask pokes their head out their door to see what’s going on (fire alarm). As Earl and the neighbor make eye contact the door opens. Louis puts his back against the door, breathing hard.

INT. INSIDE EARL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

EARL (CONT’D)

Shit! Batman knows where I live.

FADE OUT

The Rent Is Too Damn Low

 

Based on actual events

FADE IN

INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT – EVENING

Jimmy reads an email on his phone when he hears noise outside his door. He looks out the peephole. He sees no one. He opens the door and finds a white envelope with his apartment number on it taped to the door. He opens the mail and reads it.

JIMMY

What’s this?! 30 day notice of rent increase?!  I just signed a new lease over a week ago. Wheet?! $369?! The last letter said $469. Hold on!

Jimmy puts on some shoes and runs to the leasing office.

EXT. OUTSIDE JIMMY’S APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

INT. LEASING OFFICE – EVENING

JIMMY

I know y’all about to close in 5 minutes but somebody just put this on my door.

MANAGER

I did.

JIMMY

I don’t get it.

MANAGER

It’s your 30 day notice of rent increase.

JIMMY

But my lease up in November. Not December. I just came in here on the 20th and signed a new one.

ASSISTANT

Yeah, I’m the one who did his appointment.

The assistant gets the paperwork from the filing cabinet and shows it to the manager.

MANAGER

Oh, our mistake.

JIMMY

But what about the $369 on that paper. The last notice said $469.

MANAGER

For a new lease it’s actually $359.

JIMMY

Remember I asked you a week ago why my rent increased by $100? And you said it was no particular reason, that’s just at the request of the landlord.

MANAGER

Nah, I don’t remember.

JIMMY

You gotta remember my rent $469. Remember before I signed the lease y’all addressed my concerns and assured me the washers and dryers were gone be fixed the next day? Then I asked about the elliptical and you said you personally was trying to locate one because you use it a lot yourself.  Do you remember my rent is $469 now and NOT this $359?

MANAGER

No.

ASSISTANT

You probably was looking at the six-month.

JIMMY

Nah, nah, nah. I know what I saw. That was for a year. I don’t have time to go get the papers right now because y’all closing but I can tomorrow.

ASSISTANT

You already signed a new lease. You don’t have to come back in here tomorrow. It was our mistake.

JIMMY

But I need to show you the proof my rent is $469 and not this $359 or $369 y’all talking about.

The manager, the assistants, and the other leasing office occupants look at each other in disbelief.

MANAGER

(stern delivery)

Sir, do you want your rent to be $469 or 359?

JIMMY

I want my rent to be … *smiles* AWWW! *smacks self upside head* I am so …

EVERYONE

Stupid?

JIMMY

Yeahhhh. That’s it!

MANAGER

Sir, your rent for the next 12 months will be $359, however, we’re going to charge you $10 extra for the first 2 months because your stupidity has us working overtime.

JIMMY

I deserve it!

EXT. OUTSIDE APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

Jimmy clicks his heels as he runs back to his apartment.

FADE OUT

Tsu Surf to get Rematch Against Charlie Clips Because Tay Rock used Smack’s Shoulders for an Armrest

Smack physically moving Tay Rock's hands off his shoulders when Surf chokes

 

In an yet-to-be released interview with The War Report, Smack White, the founder of the Ultimate Rap League (URL), was asked by a fan about possible future rematches on the URL after Math Hoffa vs. Dose broke the ice. With Charlie Clips vs. Tay Rock handled at NOME4, Smack expressed interest in the Loaded Lux vs. Murda Mook trilogy; Conceited vs. Charlie Clips; Hollow Da Don vs. Loaded Lux; B-Magic vs. JC; Mickey Factz vs. Danja Zone. After the fan was cut off for noticing the matches Smack mentioned were originally on other leagues, Smack’s answer to why he wants to set up a rematch between Tsu Surf vs. Charlie Clips will give their Born Legacy battle replay value for all the wrong reasons. Here is the written account of Smack’s answer:

Yanahimsaying if you noticed yanahimsaying at Born Legacy yanahimsaying during the Surf and yanahimsaying Clips battle yanahimsaying I kept stepping between them yanahimsaying after every 4 bars yanahimsaying to tell the crowd yanahimsaying to HOLD IT DOWN, HOLD IT DOWN, even when they was quiet yanahimsaying and wasn’t reacting to none of the shit these niggas was spitting. And the reason I kept doing that yanahimsaying is because Tay Rock kept resting his hand on my shoulder. Like the whole battle shun. And I didn’t wanna tell him verbally yanahimsaying to get his hands off me yanahimsaying ’cause I thought it would’ve made things awkward for him yanahimsaying and made him feel some type of way yanahimsaying. Like self-conscious or something yanahimsaying. So, my idea was to constantly walk forward and pretend I was addressing the crowd yanahimsaying. Throw up my hand-signs yanahimsaying. Fake laugh, smile yanahimsaying. You know how I give it up. And I thought when I stepped back again yanahimsaying Tay Rock would’ve found something else to lean on yanahimsaying but it didn’t happen like that. It didn’t happen like that. You see, at one point I got tired of it yanahimsaying and physically moved his hand off my shoulder and walked forward but he put it right back up there shun. Yanahimsaying then Surf saved me in the third round when he spit some bars at Rock. I moved Rock yanahimsaying in front of me. But when Surf changed subjects Tay Rock moved right back behind me and put his hands on my shoulders shun. Yanahimsaying I was tight yanahimsaying. And the reason I’m just now saying something about this yanahimsaying is ’cause the nightmares of Surf choking and Clips calling me extra has gotten to me homie. Enough is enough yanahimsaying. I’m not extra, my nigga. I’m a man of honor and respect yanahimsaying and I take full responsibility for Surf choking and causing Clips to freestyle yanahimsaying ’cause I broke these niggas train of thought jumping in-between them like every 5 seconds yanahimsaying. If another man was using your shoulder for an arm-rest how would you feel, my nigga? Tay Rock is still one of my favorites of the culture yanahimsaying, still one of the top shooters of the URL yanahimsaying, but he won’t be invited to the Surf and Clips rematch. Smmmddlllaaack.

Built on top:

  • Comment section of above YouTube video

How did you try to stop UNwanted leaning on you?

Meh Na Speaketh Da England

Galatic

 

A Spanish worker was fined $50 and had it taken out of his paycheck when caught speaking English after telling his supervisor “Meh na speaketh da England” during a forklift incident.

38-year-old Santiago Bardem stacked a pallet of boxes so high on a rack that it hit the sprinkler system causing a massive flood. When the supervisor, Kenneth Berkley, approached Bardem about what happened the Spaniard pretended he couldn’t understand English. Berkley went to get the Spanish-speaking supervisor, Sofia Lopez, to translate. After the two supervisors walked off, Bardem turned to his co-worker, Nubrisco Drew, and effortlessly switched to English, cracking jokes, which caused Drew to laugh so uncontrollably he produced a little flood of his own with tears.

When Bardem saw the supervisors walking back, he kicked Drew while he was rolling on the floor, gripping his stomach, eyes closed, and worse of all, repeating the punchline to Bardem’s jokes. With no one else in sight, Bardem just dropped his head when the supervisors started shaking theirs.

The Nike warehouse in Memphis now has a policy in place that if two Spaniards are having a conversation and a English-speaking person comes in close proximity they must ask the person do they understand Spanish. If so, they can continue with their conversation in their native tongue. However, if not, they must have said conversation in English. The policy, called Meh Na Speaketh Da England, after Bardem’s response, states that you can be fined up to $50 for disobeying it.

Bardem and 2% of the 35% of the warehouse’s Hispanic makeup are fighting back in a subtle way by lobbying for the same policy for African-Americans, who make-up 29% of the warehouse. Spaniard employee Alejandro Vergara in response to racist comments said, “I’m tired of people looking at me like they want to fight. I’m not racist. I just want fairness. Just like people can’t understand us, we have a hard time understanding blacks. They’re the biggest ethnic here after us. I love listening to rap gibberish on the radio but not in conversations. The other day, some black guy called me bae. What is Bae? Is it like Amigo? We Hispanics are having a hard time understanding the slang. I hope bae isn’t anything bad because he invited me over to his house. I don’t want to walk into my death or anything.”

Built on top:

  • Based on a day at work for dad

Have you ever been in a situation where a foreigner pretended to not understand English when you KNOW they do? I JUST heard you …

Aside

Has the novelty of having home internet wore off yet? Are we done watching DMX, Master P/No Limit, rap battles, and twerk videos? Are we going to change that “last logged in 11 months ago” on Codecademy anytime soon? Are we going to draw on the Bamboo tablet and post the next comic since June 2013? Where’s the logo for FY?

While you completed 3 Tax Assessments in the 4 days you had internet I am not impressed because you’re on chapter 15. What happen to chapter 14 by October 1st?

The only good this internet is responsible for in the 4 days it’s been here is saving you from making an Eyeball Marinara sandwich at Subway.

You are behind on your scripts, and your writing in general.

Isn’t that white hurting your eyes? I’m just waiting on you to fall asleep on the keyboards so I can slam the laptop on your head.

Keyboard Pillow

The Dictionary Kid

FADE IN

INT. GEORGE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

GEORGE

(excitedly)

Damn! The Apparently Kid got 21 million views: 15 from his interview; 3 from the FreshPet commercial; few millions with Ellen. The Exasperating Kid views not too shabby either. These kids had to make hundreds of thousands of dollars from YouTube. Hmmm …

EXT. DIANE’S HOUSE – MORNING

George rings doorbell. Diane opens door.

GEORGE

Diane …

DIANE

(gasps)

George …

Diane folds her arms and changes her facial expression of shock into disgust.

DIANE

So it took Taco Bell 5 years to fix your Burrito with Flaming Hot Fritos?

GEORGE

You know they don’t even sell those no more? Pshh.

DIANE

5 years!

GEORGE

Well it isn’t exactly fast food, you know.

DIANE

Are you … are you trying to make light of this situation? I’m talking about 5 years since I gave birth to your son!

GEORGE

Sweetie, I know. And, I’m sorry. Very, very, sorry. I was scared of being a dad. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I needed to make sense of this.

DIANE

And it took you 5 years to do that, George? You missed his first birthday. You missed seeing him take his first steps. You missed his first day of school. You missed everything!

GEORGE

Unless he’s in there dying right now, no, I haven’t. It’s only been the first 5 years of his life. And I’m standing right here and now to tell you … I want to be there for the rest of his life … and yours!

 DIANE

(speaks with tremble)

George …

GEORGE

Tells me it’s not tough raising a child on your own and I will leave right now.

George turns around and takes a step, giving the impression he’s walking away.

DIANE

George … I need you!

INT. DIANE’S HOUSE – MORNING

George looks around the house and sees a book shelf. He scans the material.

DIANE

Oh, you looking for the family album? It’s right here.

GEORGE

No, I’m looking for the dictionary. Here it is. Hmmm.

George puts index finger in middle of dictionary.

GEORGE

Whatever page it lands on is the word of the day. F’s. F-U-F-U-F-U-Fustigate! Means to … ahh who cares! Where’s my boy?

DIANE

In his room, but George I need to tell you something about our son first.

GEORGE

(talks as he’s leaving room where Diane is, in search for son’s room)

Not now woman! Me and my son got some catching up to do.

CUT SCENE

A montage shows George and Little George spending father and son time together at various events. Music plays. The only dialogue heard is when George uses “fustigate” in the wrong way in a sentence, with comical effect.

INT. DIANE’S HOUSE – EVENING

NEXT DAY …

George takes out camera.

GEORGE

Little Georgie Boy. Guess what? Daddy’s pregnant! *says in a whisper* Nah, I don’t want use that one. *back to normal volume* Little Georgie, did you know when you deleted Grandpa’s picture you killed him? He’s gone bye bye. Aww!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Little George, did you know your brother from another mother will one day … grow up?

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Okayyyy. Little George, I ate all your Halloween candy!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Umm … BIRDS ARE DINOSAURS!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

I’m about to poke your heart!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Shit, it’s passed the one minute mark. Dammit, now I can’t go viral. Dammit, Little George! I’ve been saying Fustigate for 24 hours and you still haven’t caught on? The hell is wrong with you?!

George grabs the dictionary and beats son upside the head with it. Diane hears Little George crying and runs to his aid.

DIANE

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

GEORGE

Whooping our son! He got a F in spelling.

DIANE

What?! What are you talking about???

GEORGE

I been saying the word “Fustigate” in sentences with him since I met him. I did it at the wrestling match. The basketball game. The fair. I even whispered it in his ear for an hour last night while he slept. What the hell is wrong with him? Is he an idiot?

DIANE

No, he’s deaf.

There’s awkward silence for about 10 seconds.

GEORGE

Did you know Taco Bell got a new burrito with Fritos? But it’s the plain ones, though. Oh, it’s still good. Trust me. And can you believe the price is one freaking dollar? OH MY GOD! They did it again! Woo, all this talk about food done got me hungry. I’m going to Taco Bell to go get  about 10 of them thangs. Y’all want something back?

FADE OUT

Learning How To Do Taxes … Again

tax book

 

 

Dear Har-old,

Tax school.

In 2012, you had the money but enrolled in classes too late.

In 2013, you knew the start date but didn’t have the money.

This year was a repeat.

Almost.

You made it!

Don’t let nothing get in the way of your studying. Keep ripping those chapters out your book and reading on your breaks at work. I want this your last year working in a warehouse. 15K minimum on April 15, 2015. What you make invest in startups and YouTube.

At least chapter 14 by October 1st. Don’t worry about if something doesn’t completely register because you’ll still have almost 2 months more to study after classes end first week of November. You passed all your tests thus far with 76 being lowest grade so you’re doing fine.

Speaking of YouTube, you might as well coincide your launch with Fight Club 2. I mean, weight has held you down this long and this past week has been a mess with buffets and fast food. At this point why not be strategic with timing? I want a year’s worth of material (48 scripts) written before launch.

Remember this? Haha!

I.R.S those my wife’s initials.

And if I cheat on her, my life is fish food.

So I’ma remain faithful, I don’t wanna fight an issue.

Cuz shiiit, look at Wesley Snipes, that nigga gotta sleep with his knife and pistol

What a mess? The United States Government they the ones who really cut the check

I be giving her a leg and arm, ouch ouch, I want her fucking head.

Tomorrow ain’t promised, the only life guarantees are death and taxes, enuff is said

A second wife, that’s a no indeed

Think about it, that’s half to her, half to her and a hole in me

Life’s a bitch but I love my bitch, baby everythang gone be okay

I used to think the government taxed people cuz they wanted to be so paid

But they used the money to build churches, schools, stores, parks, and roadways.

Now if I don’t see this new shit while I’m driving I’ma experience road rage

The flag and the White House can go up in flames and burn

If I sound like I’m speaking Spanish, I’ll break this verse down in Laymen terms.

You wrote this as a teenager. Wow!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S. Does it make since to help your human dad with taxes when he didn’t let you borrow the money for classes last year, and didn’t come through again this year?