Are You Okay, Annie? 

Based on true story

I was crying in the corner like a child in time-out when someone placed their hand on my shoulder, asking in a high-pitched voice, “Annie, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?”

“No, I’m not okay!”

“What’s wrong?”

“I just fussed at a kid in the clinic. It’s probably gonna cost me my job.”

“What happened?”

“This kid has a special voice disorder, which causes her to repeat stuff.”

“This is what Speech Pathology is all about, Annie.”

“You don’t understand. The thing the kid keeps repeating is “You won’t stay little forever.”

“So.”

“That’s what my mommy use to always tell me when I was a little girl, before she … before she …”

The tears maybe blinded me from seeing who I was talking to, but they didn’t make me deaf to what they said next. 

“Well, Annie, you gotta do something dramatic to make that child repeat something else. Some other sentence. You can do it ! You can do it! You hear? Annie, you can do it!”

I showed the kid Good Ole Betsy, the car I’m living in. All of my things are in there: clothes; shoes; underwear. 

Then I showed the kid a physical address, a place where my grandma lived before moving back to New Jersey. An address that’s on my license. A home my job has no clue a soul lives in. 

Next I showed the kid a random public restroom, a place I hope no one walks into while I’m taking a wash-up. 

Lastly, I showed the kid a 24 hour coffee shop, a place where I read and work on stuff that I’ve been putting off. A place where I fight sleep, something I lacked for the past 2 weeks. I like to think that I’m head-butting sleep as my head bobs forward. Aha! 

“What do you got to say now, kid? Does this look like something a child would go through? I wish I was still that little girl, but I’m not, and I’m going through some real trials and tribulations. Some real adult shit! What do you got to say now?”

“…”

“Nothing, huh?”

Then as I’m turning away, I hear …

“Your mommy loves you!”

“Who said that?!”

I start looking at other customers in the coffee shop. But it wasn’t them! 

“Your mommy loves you!”

It was the kid.

“Whaa-whaa-what are you saying?!”

“Your mommy loves you!”

The little girl took my hand and walked me outside the coffee shop. She points at the sky. I see a shooting star. The little girl is jerking her finger back and forth as if to say, “Follow it.”  Call me cray cray, but I jumped in Betsy. I almost had a few accidents because I was looking at the sky more than the road. 

Where is it? Boom! I heard a loud crash! Oh my God! Did it land?! I followed the noise and the long black smoke trail. I didn’t wanna get too close because I knew I would be getting out the car. It conveniently started raining, which extinguished the fire. Side by side, holding hands, me and the little girl walked closer to the crash site, a grassy field, but still kept a safe distance. We waited. And waited.  Then waited some more. 

“Your mommy loves you!”

“How did you throw your voice like that? It didn’t sound like you were standing right next to me; sounded like you were a few feet in front of … 

The last thing I remembered before the tears blinded me was the little girl excitedly jumping up and down, violently jerking her fingers back and forth, pointing at something … or someone! 

This is dedicated to you, beloved! You know who you are! Kiss to the forehead. Boom!

Google Me #1: June 23, 2015

Rest in peace Dick Van Patten. Eight Is Enough was modeled after syndicated newspaper columnist Thomas Braden or Tom Brady for short. The NFL quarterback plays for the New England Patriots. They’re based in the Greater Boston area. There’s currently a tornado warning for parts of Massachusetts. 

Sharon Osbourne returns to The Talk after a month-long hiatus. Her daughter, Kelly Osbourne, filled in for her absence back in March. The former host of “The Fashion Police.” What do they think of the Yeezy Boost 350 and Matt Bomer in his Giorgio Armani suit for the Made To Measure campaign? 

Tori Kelly‘s Unbreakable Smile was released today. She made Sam Smith cry one time. He’s one of the headliners of Music Midtown 2015

Last night, Don Lemon held up a Confederate flag, and then a placard with the word “NIGGER” on it, and posed a question: “Does this offend you?” Maya Rudolph did a spot on Rachel Dolezal impression and answered “yes.”

And you should totally buy the Amazon Echo…echo. 

Episode 5 of my Youtube channel premieres tomorrow. To those with ADD, it will be the shortest video I released thus far.

Animal Balloons (Grrr)

Hmph. You telling me you had those animal balloons since November and your first time trying to create a 3 twist dog is today, the day you’re scheduled to upload your next video?! The script was memorized, your hair was cut, the lightening was right. But the reason you’re gonna be a day late is because you can’t make a got-damn giraffe?! A got-damn swan! Oh, something you could have practiced on yesterday, Sunday, your birthday, you know, days you wasn’t doing shit anyways. When I looked at you in the mirror earlier at the gym and said “I hate you” I wasn’t trying to motivate you. I meant that, literally. Who the hell are you, now? Because even Har-old was better than this shit!

You Need A Vacation … From Yourself (Public Birthday Post)

Look on the Passport Bear page. This was going to be my my own drawing of the bear holding the passport. It's unfinished because I upgraded my OS in the middle of drawing and Yosemite is incompatible with my Bamboo software. WTF! #Downgrade
Look on the Passport Bear page. This was going to be my own drawing of the bear holding the passport. It’s unfinished because I upgraded my OS in the middle of drawing and Yosemite is incompatible with my Bamboo software. WTF! #Downgrade

Dear Har-old,

Every year, between my birthday in October and New Year’s, I give myself what I call a “holiday period.” For three months, I try not to judge myself quite as harshly as I might during the rest of the year. During my “holiday,” I might have a drink or smoke a cigarette or sneak a bite of fish or stay out too late at a party, even though I know those actions aren’t contributing to how I ultimately want to live my life. But by giving myself that “break,” I’ve found it relieves some of the pressure I might feel during the rest of the year every time I turn down a drink, or don’t order the fish, or leave a party early. So while I might not always be a perfect yogi, or a perfect vegan, or a perfect father, I try not to feel guilty or anxious about the slipups I have during my “holiday,” or frankly, the slipups I have during the rest of the year too. I’ve learned that there’s no value in an emotion like guilt. It’s like empty carbs. They might seem to fill you up at the moment, but in the end they’re going to slow you down.

Remember that from Do You? This concept has been on my mind for a while and I was going to build off this and write this huge post about taking a vacation from yourself, but you need a complete relocation. Move and don’t come back. Not even to pay “Har-old” a visit. As I was brainstorming on how to expand on Russell Simmons’ idea, I started thinking about snakes and how they shed their old skin for new skin to symbolize their continuous growth. Poetry was born. I wrote this for you. It mirrors your current predicament. I hope you like it. Call it Skin I’m In. 

I was between a rock and a hard place
Rubbing my head against the rough surface
My already stretched skin splits from my face
To the noise that makes predators nervous
It’s like taking off a sock inside out
Goodbye parasitic relationship
This new skin will not be your fucking couch
Lived rent free off your host, where was the tips?
Only left when I was watched like a hawk
My fresh new skin symbolizes my growth
Not just physically but mentally sharp
Recognize I’m anaconda in both
Rebirth is something I cannot avoid
Why a snake is my umbilical cord

Happy Birthday!!!

I Love You!

FY,

Har+new

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