Author Archives: Har+new

Jun 19 2013

5 Reasons Why You Should Write A “Long-term Suicide” Note

I love eating breakfast at Shoney's

I love eating breakfast at Shoney’s

Dear Har-old,

Jobs confided in Sculley that he believed he would die young, and therefore he needed to accomplish things quickly so that he would make his mark on Silicon Valley history. “We all have a short period of time on earth,” he told the Sculleys as they sat around the table that morning. “We probably only have the opportunity to do a few things really great and do them well. None of us has any idea how long we’re going to be here, nor do I, but my feeling is I’ve got to accomplish a lot of these things while I’m young.”

What is a long-term suicide note? It’s the same as a standard suicide note with the exception of being written for a future date if you don’t achieve your ultimate goal in life. Har-old, here are 5 reasons on why you should let the ink from your pen bleed:

You will get things done faster!

Life is unfair! But what exactly IS the most unfair thing about life? Not knowing when you’re going to die! Shoulder-shrugging to this answer causes you to think you will live forever, especially being a young person. And when you think you will live forever, you got all the time in the world to do things. You’re slow to act. Compare this to older people. They achieve more. Why? It’s not because they have more experience, wisdom, or connections. It’s because they associate their old age with being closer to death. As a result, their productivity shoots through the roof!

Helps you be present

It’s a sticky note on your mirror. One of the first questions you should ask yourself every morning is, “If today was the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today?” Wednesday? No! Thursday? No! Friday? No! WTF?! You want to know why you haven’t answered yes yet? Because often times you don’t even know what you’re going to do today. That’s called STILL not planning out your entire week every Saturday morning. 4-5 hours of planning will shield you from drifting, wasting time, and doing things out of boredom. It’s funny TODAY is in the middle of PAST and FUTURE because it definitely gets sandwiched like the thin slice of meat it is. The PAST is the BOTTOM bun for a reason. The FUTURE is the TOP bun so you can remove it to check the condition of the sandwich (you). Is the meat well-done? Is the cheese melted? Is there spit on your burger? Start eating without the bread. Give the sandwich of life more meat. Today is relevant. Seize the moment.

Puts you in control

Did you ask to be here? Take control from your parents and kill yourself. But not now, of course! Remember when you conducted that college survey for Yeebizan? Remember what you listened to because you was shy about pitching strangers your idea? Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement Speech! That part about death was the drive behind your fearlessness. No matter how cold the world is, you will always be naked out here. Accept death! YOU WILL DIE ONE DAY! I’m trying to turn that vague, mysterious “one day” into a clear, definite date. Remembering that day will put you in control of your fears. You’re wasting your time telling your parents you didn’t ask to be in this old cold world. Take back your control, rule the world, and go back to being a pain in the balls.

Suicide Pact

Associate with those that say, “If I don’t *insert ultimate goal* by the time I’m 50, I’m killing myself.” People say that jokingly. Well, hold them accountable! If they don’t take care of their responsibility, give them the Tyler Durden to Raymond treatment in the back of the convenience store and kill them if they’re not on their way to becoming a veterinarian in 6 weeks. I’m not playing!

Take advantage of your youth

Ugh! I feel like killing you right now for making me write this to begin with! I said this last October! You won’t have no youth to protect you if you keep waiting.

I don’t care what format it’s in. Read it every night if you write it. Listen to it every night if you record it. Watch it every night if you tape it.

FY,

Har+new

P.S. These letters are about to get real interesting!

Siblings:

Jun 18 2013

College Students Threaten Random Stabbings Over The Bachelor Degree Of Paula Cooper

Image via Twitter

Image via Twitter

They’re not collectively dropping the soap because she got “in trouble 23 times during her time in prison.”

They’re not sharpening their toothbrushes into shanks because she won’t at least spend a year in prison for each stab (33 vs. 27) on 78-year-old Bible school teacher Ruth Pelke.

They’re not taking the laces out of their shoes to strangle people because her and the other 3 girls only got away with $10 in the elderly car.

They, a 47 member (and growing!) college group from Indiana, calling themselves Ramen Noodles, are furious, she, Paula Cooper, who was released yesterday, walked out of prison with a bachelor’s degree on the taxpayer’s dime. In other words, a free education! Here are some reactions from Ramen Noodles:

She gets a bachelor’s degree in prison and I’m struggling to get financial aid. Maybe I need to stab someone!

And who do you think paid for that bachelor’s degree?! This is Bullshit!

Does she have to pay back the tens of thousands of dollars in student loans–like I (and so many other law-abiding citizens) have to pay????

I couldn’t afford to go to college. I should have just killed someone and gotten my three squares, free health care AND a college degree all at taxpayers expense!

Man, students today are stupid. Why put yourself in thousands of dollars in debt when you could just stab a woman and get a full scholarship?

i would like to know how she had the right to get a free bachelor’s degree when I have to take out student loans that need to be repaid and pay for what the grants and loans do not cover while paying for my monthly living needs and I am a law-abiding citizen.

Parents also got involved. One chimed:

Also, again I have to see how some prison inmate got a college education on my dime while my kids are struggling to pay their tuition.  I am SO sick of this!

School officials on Indiana college campuses are on high alert after Ramen Noodles threaten that if Paula Cooper doesn’t have to pay back the thousands of dollars her bachelor’s degree was worth they will start randomly stabbing people. They haven’t disclosed whether they will use butcher knives, in reminiscent of the type Cooper used on Pelke.

When we asked what would happen if she got a job (with her degree) before one of them does. Member Krusty Robinson said, “If you work at XYZ company, call in sick if you want to live.” And we’re not sure if that meant they would do the killing or Cooper would. We’ll keep you posted as this story develops!

Built on top of:

Would you join Ramen Noodles?

 

Jun 16 2013

FY Needs More Authors

Dear whomever this may concern,

FY started out as a conceptual (and it still is) blog, however, it also started out as a group blog with 3 authors and grew from there. I introduced 2 more concepts: Future News and Future Comics (or just comics) that fit perfectly with the theme. I want new authors for those as well as for the original series. So, if you use the following tags almost exclusively, letter to self, motivation, inspiration, life, satire, news, comics, personal, and interested in being a FY author, I would love to send you an invite.

There are a myriad of inconsistent blogs on WordPress. I believe the best way to bridge this gap is through group blogging because if one author decides to go on a month-long hiatus, the blog itself doesn’t suffer because there are other content creators producing on a schedule. And even if you are a one-person blog who is part of “post-a-day,” how much of that is quality? And how many of those posts are free from ideas from The Daily Post?

The flexibility of the reverse-self-letters has been proven. Future News is 17 posts and counting but enough for a prospective author to follow in the “voice.” The comics side is still in its under-development phase with one post but by the 3rd post the people will “get it.”

FY has been here for 2 years, had 12 authors, and STILL under 200 posts. That’s quality over quantity! But it’s time we push this to the 100K milestone and beyond and build a loyal readership!

FY,

Har+new

P.S. I’m open to suggestions! New concepts? Stories? Menu items? Whatever! Hopefully, I get 3 authors out of this post.

Jun 10 2013

Doritos To Put “If You’re Going To Litter, Eat The Last Chip” On Bags After Animals Get Their Head Stuck

deer-ritos

Provided by the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office

Good thing it didn’t walk into a bank! While on patrol late Saturday evening in the Florida Keys two deputies were like deer caught in headlights seeing one with its head stuck inside of a Doritos bag. “Deputy Joshua Gordon removed the bag from the deer’s head and snapped a photo of it.” Wait! That’s impossible! Unless he … . And that’s exactly what Animal Rights Activists are wondering. “Was this article written by a 12-year-old or did Deputy Gordon actually remove the bag first and thought to himself, ‘How many times do you see a deer with its head stuck inside a Doritos bag?’ and put the chip bag back over its head to take a picture not only to share online but to look like a hero.” While some are thanking Deputy Gordon for helping the deer breathe more easily again, PETA is calling for his suspension until said article is proven to be just poor wording.

Doritos has also come under fire like their Salsa Verde!

PETA is accusing Doritos for staging the whole thing. “I think they’re trying to make this their Charles Ramsey,” said PETA co-founder Alex Pacheco. “This is yet another PR story. They failed last year when some cat got stuck in a Doritos bag. And now, they’re doing it again. Animals love cheese Doritos. Okay. We get it. We saw the commercial with the goat. And I expect one soon with a poor deer. Isn’t it strange that both incidents happened in Florida? Are they trying to turn this into some sick internet meme?” Doritos CEO fired back saying, “There won’t be any future deer commercials, okay. We have a 5 year contract with that goat, alright. We’re not taking on any more animals. Especially ones that look similar. And no, we’re not giving Deputy Gordon a lifetime supply of free Doritos. And no, we’re not coming out with Doe-ritos or Deer-ritos. However, I do own domestic pets and can relate to the love one has for their animals. And after I read a quote from Becky Herrin, the sheriff’s spokeswoman, saying, “It must have wanted that last chip in the bottom of the bag,” we have decided that Doritos sold in the Florida area will have If You’re Going To Litter, Eat The Last Chip somewhere on the bag to prevent animals from sticking their heads in it when they see the bag in the street or something.”

doritos bag cat

Downloaded via msn Now

Built on top of:

Do you eat the crumbs?

Jun 1 2013

Christians Jailed For “Laying Hands” On Disabled Blogger

Jesus Rhino

Image via Twitter

Why did you start blogging? Was it because you wanted to share your mirror conversations with the world? Was it because you wanted to share how much you miss your boyfriend … who’s sleeping 3 feet away from you? Or, was it because you wanted to discuss your experiences with aggressive Christians who like to “lay hands” on you? Meet 22-year-young Duke University Grad Megan who started the blog “The Matter With Megan.” Why that name? Because of her rare connective tissue disease called Epidermolysis bullosa, all her life people have asked,”“What’s the matter with Megan?” In post Please Don’t Pray With Me (In Airports) Megan wrote, ”Having a visible disability is like shark bait for ignorant people lacking scruples. I swear, the mere sight of crutches is like blood in the water.” From relating a story at age 15 where she was at an airport waiting to board a flight when two women fell out the sky upon her family and asked her mother, “May we pray with your daughter?” She wrote, “The next thing I knew I was caught in what can only be described as a quite unholy prayer sandwich. The woman and her mother placed one hand on my back and one on my chest and right there, in the middle of the Ft. Lauderdale airport, began to feverishly pray on my body for Jesus to heal me. Between shouts of JESUS CRISTO! and HEAL HER FATHER GOD! their bodies shook violently, as if wracked by father, son, and holy ghost all at once.” To another trip in which a stranger asked her mother if he could pray for her. “I choked out a yes,” she said, “and picked a spot on the pavement to stare at and waited until it was over. He held out his hands and prayed for God to heal me, but with the added twist and flourish of asking God to take the Devil’s hands off me.” This has all got Megan wondering, “What IS it about the fucking Ft. Lauderdale airport?” Answer: It’s located in Florida, Megan.

But the Ft. Lauderdale airport nightmare stories have reached its final chapter after 4 Christians who read her feature in Raw Story and recognized her from her blog didn’t ask to pray for her for a change but asked to pray WITH her for those other Christians. Megan got up the courage to tell them no and to go find those other Christians and pray FOR them WITH them instead of her. The aggressive Christians insisted and persisted and started “laying hands” on her and even prevented her from trying to roll away in her wheelchair. After screaming for help, security came and asked, “What seems to be the problem?” Megan exhaled, “They’re trying to pray for me.” The security said, “Oh, y’all need my help?” and proceeded to join in with the other Christians in a circle with Megan in the middle. That’s when Megan grabbed the security guard’s taser and zapped them one by one. The five were charged with assault and battery for unholy prayer sandwiching. Let’s hope the judge isn’t conservative!

Megan has said this experience has made her not want to have kids. When we asked her why? She said, “Because if I don’t get the religious nuts then I will get the assholes who like to randomly rub on the stomachs of pregnant women.”

Built on top of:

What made you start blogging?

May 30 2013

The Fun In Watching Grass Grow

Black Friday? No, just one register out of 20 open at Walmart again.

Black Friday? No, just one register out of 20 open at Wal-Mart again.

dear har-old,

the prisoner of patience watches the grass grow.

mowing the lawn is wasting your own time.

your eyes get moist when you yawn. if watching grass bores you to tears and you cry a river to grow the grass, that’s forcing time.

in that rush hour your car totals.

neighbors complaining your yard is making the area look bad and threatens to cut it for you.

lock yourself behind the blades of grass that are the bars to the prison of patience.

and watch in their moment of impatience of not putting on no protective footwear their own lawnmower chops their feet off.

let no one put a magazine in your hand in the waiting room.

let no one stand behind you in the long line.

let no hot food smell your breath.

let no “loading” cause you to get carried away.

sit in the grass and meditate. your butt will itch. scratch it mentally by simply ignoring it.

har-old, i strategically put Master Of Emotions in front of Prisoner Of Patience for a reason.

the grass makes you patient so eat it like a horse. if someone whips your ass to make you go faster or pulls your neck to make you go slower, kick them with your ‘hind legs. take pride in being ON time. it’s no such thing as being early.

FY,

Har+new

Siblings:

May 28 2013

Kelly Rowland Says She Will No Longer Perform “Dirty Laundry” Live After Breakdown In DC

We hope your favorite Kelly Rowland song isn’t “Dirty Laundry.” Despite telling Kelson of 93.9 WKYS radio:

It’s really weird when you take yourself in front of a crowd. Even in that moment of when I put my feet up, I felt like I was in therapy. I was singing and talking about what happened, and for a moment, it was like that crowd wasn’t even there. And then when the music stopped…I was like “You are live Kel. Calm down.” And I had to calm down, and in the moment, I had to breathe. You get lost…and it’s nothing wrong with getting lost. But that was weird. That won’t happen again though [laughs]. I felt like I could do that with D.C.

On breaking down during her “Dirty Laundry” performance in the state capital, Ms. Rowland has said she will NOT perform the song again because she doesn’t think she will be able to get through it without crying. According to band mates, Kelly was very upset with herself backstage over the breakdown. During an interview with Billboard magazine, Rowland described how emotional it was for her to record the song. According to Billboard it took Rowland “nearly a dozen takes to lay down her vocals without crying” and that during the recent album listening sessions for Republic Records, she “had to leave the room before the song was played.” During the same interview, Rowland said “It took me days to record. I had to get past being so upset and actually sing the song, not sob through it.”

Rowland has said if fans do request “Dirty Laundry” she is touring with @JadeNovah and will get the infamous Keyonce Bowles to do the cover.

Built on top of:

Will you still attend a Kelly Rowland concert if she herself doesn’t perform “Dirty Laundry?”

May 28 2013

Thanks To Butt-Slapping Fan, Beyonce Now Wants Future Stages As Far Away From Fans As Possible

Damn! The stupid guy that slapped Beyoncé’s bum on stage will have more than Jay-Z and Marcy Projects to worry about. Now he has to be on the run from the stings of the entire BeyHive after Beyoncé has requested she no longer wants a second smaller stage where performers can interact with standing fans as Bey was doing when she put the microphone to the man’s mouth to participate in singing lyrics to her hit “Irreplaceable.”

In response to the butt-slapping incident, fans have flown to the “Halo” singer’s rescue. One fumed: ”How did he dare…? What a douche!!! If I were Beyoncé, I would probably have slapped the sh** outta him… Don’t disrespect our Queen, please!!! And do not touch anybody without their consent next time!!! [sic]”  We can only imagine the Caps-lock and exclamation usage when they hear they will need binoculars the next time they see her in concert.

Upon reading about this, the woman who was Hulk-A-Mania leg dropped by Miguel at the Billboard Music Awards 9 days ago said, “I wasn’t a fan of Beyoncé before but I definitely am now. Soon as she comes to my city I’m spending some of my lawsuit money to attend a show.”

Reports say her butt MAY stop wobbling sometime tomorrow!

Built on top of:

Do you think they should get rid of the smaller second stage so incidents like this don’t happen?

 

May 27 2013

Mom Turns On Subtitles For K-Mart Commercials And Guess What Happens … No P In Ship; No G In Gas

Guess some t.v.’s have better hearing than others. She may not have succeeded in getting Kmart to pull its ”ridiculous and disgusting” ads off the air but she was victorious in getting them to pull a few t.v’s from their shelves. In fact, for every room in her house! Danice Howard, mom of three, ages 5, 6, and 10, complained and protested in front of her local Kmart that in both ads the black woman and the kid actually said shi* and as*. Mrs. Howard said, “I always have subtitles turned on so the children can learn how to read. They’re kids so they don’t read inside their heads yet; they like to read out loud. Thank God they weren’t in the room when this filth came on.” After seeing the commercials, Mrs. Howard stopped letting her kids watch television, altogether. In fact, she completely removed the t.v.’s from their rooms and stored them in the basement. She says, “Unlike shows, you just never know when a certain commercial is going to come on. Or even on what channel. What if they aired this filth during a commercial break of SpongeBob or Dora The Explorer?” Kmart has insisted that the actors in the commercials all said shiP and Gas and that some t.v.’s “have better ears than others.” Mrs. Howard did say she purchased her t.v’s from rival Wal-Mart. To correct the problem, Kmart gave her free t.v.’s for every room she had one in.  Yes, some people even watch t.v. while on the toilet!

Built on top of:

What “curse” word do you think Kmart will do next?

May 25 2013

Bartender Accused Of Taking Advantage Of Program That Pays You $100 For Reporting Drunk Drivers

Startup Bar Hop

He won’t tell you that you had enough. He won’t take away your keys. He won’t call you a taxi. But 27-year-young bartender Al Austin will be nice enough to give you a couple of drinks “on the house” although you didn’t earn them with some sob story, walk you to your car because you’re unable to by yourself without falling on your ass, write your tag number down and wait 5 long minutes after you’re off the parking lot to call the police on you for driving under the influence (of him) so he can collect $100 from the Mobile Eyes program. Started 12 years ago, many Florida residents have forgotten the program exist but are reminded by police on strategic days such as New Years Eve. But there’s no need to remind Austin who has reportedly banked $20,000, a figure he doesn’t even make in a year of bartending. Well, tonight Austin is behind some different bars. He’s being charged with forced intoxication and manipulating the system for financial gain.

Police caught on to his get-rich-quick-scheme when all the calls came from Lou’s Tavern. At first they quickly dismissed any wrongdoings as it is a bar, however, when all the drunks said they didn’t pay for those *insert favorite liquor* they knew something was up. A police officer undercover as a geek who wanted to drown his problems in *insert favorite liquor* after getting dumped by his girlfriend went into the tavern. Austin slid shot after shot across the bar to him. While Austin wasn’t looking, the officer poured them all into a container he had hidden inside his jacket. When Austin was walking him to his car (how he got the tag number) he realized he didn’t have to call 911 this time because the man’s car was seemingly parked next to a cop’s car. Still pretending to be drunk, the man was telling Austin the cop car was HIS. Austin couldn’t help but laugh at the supposedly ”drunk fool” and foolishly said, “They should give me $200 for this one.” That’s when the undercover broke character and said,”The cop car IS mines! You know people tell the truth when they’re drunk!”

Built on top of:

Isn’t it sad you have to offer money for people to save lives?

May 23 2013
Aside

Alexander wouldn’t have been “The Great” without his extreme hatred for his father. Har-old, the only reason you resumed talks with your human father is because of your inability to control your emotions. The girl. The job. In fact, that’s the only reason you break the silence with many. You’re better at controlling your positives. What are you running from? Yourself! Me! Why you believe externals have ALL the answers to your questions, kid? Like they’re gonna say something that’s gonna make the pain go away! If you would take self-inventory you will conclude that they NEVER say anything magical. It’s always YOU! Yes! You use them as a wall. You bounce ideas off them. They’re your straight man! But it’s always you who delivers the hard-hitting punchline! YOU! Next time you’re feeling any of the seven major negative emotions: fear, jealously, hatred, revenge, greed, superstition, or anger, I want you to find a loud room where you can hear yourself think, step up your thinking with sex and/or food, look in the mirror, say my name, and we will have the best conversation of all time. :*

What Put “The Great” In Alexander’s Name?

May 20 2013

Sex By The River

Wet t-shirt from working out

If you look closely you can see I sweat fashionably.

Dear Har-old,

the water in the river is the emotion of sex.

the dam is the emotion of sex having no outlet.

the water flowing around the dam is the emotion of sex finding an outlet through physical channels.

masturbation and sex is water flowing downhill. the former kills productivity. only thing good about the latter is it’s the perpetuation of mankind. our kids! fortunately for you, you only have to worry about the former :)

the transmutation of sex energy to a creative outlet is water flowing uphill. capillary action takes will-power because it works against the law of gravity but the reward of riches at the top of the hill is worth the effort.

castration will take away your major source of action and will kill the fight in you. the beast. the animal. grrr! you don’t want that!

your precious dams will work for a while but the rain will stop that sunshine. the emotion of sex needs an outlet and they’re only 2: physical or creative. sex is low barrier and the fastest idea you can act on because of how strong and powerful the emotions are. so, imagine what would happen if you made that the driving force behind your occupation. spend half the time on it and see!

i always tell you to learn how to master your emotions, especially your anger. don’t kill nobody, alright! sex is your number one emotion. master that first. the other 13 are of lesser importance.

water is one of the main necessities of life. it cannot be defeated! you either drink the water and piss it out or pour it on you for growth.

if anybody got what it takes to be Har+new you do! Love you!

FY,

Har+new

Siblings:

 

May 17 2013

Seized Counterfeit Condoms: Made In China But Made With Giant Deflated Yellow Rubber Ducky

deflated rubber ducky

Photo courtesy of NBC News/Tyrone Slu/Reuters

Our childhood is ruined! The 16.5-meter (54-foot or six-story)-tall rubber duck that mysteriously deflated in Hong Kong has been unfortunately linked to the busted counterfeit condom ring in China. According to reports, the confiscated 4.65 million packaged prophylactics and the 1,100 unpackaged condoms that were seized in the police raid was all made with Florentijn Hofman’s inflatable sculpture. Liu, one of the ring’s two bosses, is actually the one who snapped the above picture you see while his workers threw shurikens (similar to Batarangs) at the rubber duck to deflate it. Childhood ruined or not, some people are praising Liu’s photography skills. “Look at that looming background!” Speaking of Batman, some have said they can see the bat signal in the sky like Lao who said, “I wish he was there to save the night that night because I bought a hundred of those things on the internet. It was only 1 Yuan (16 cents).” When we asked him why did he buy so many, was it because they were dirt cheap or because he was … you know, he said, “Because they were so cheap. Anytime something is cheap I buy lots of it.” Well, we can only hope others who have bought the counterfeit brand-name condoms-including Durex, Contex, Jissbon-in which Liu’s factory was cranking out 20,000 a day of did the same or they will have more rubber ducks to buy.

Built on top of:

Do you think this is why China’s population is 2 billion?

May 11 2013

Burger King Gets In Touch With Charles Ramsey Before McDonald’s And Gives Him A Lifetime Supply Of Whoppers … With Cheese

McDonald's Charles Ramsey

After getting free publicity from a viral interview and 911 call, thousands of people have urged McDonald’s to do something for Charles Ramsey, the Cleveland kidnap “hero.” To honor him, some fans of Mr. Ramsey have bought Big Macs in droves, although, he never disclosed that was a part of his “lil’ McDonald’s.” Others have argued Mr. Ramsey “looks more like a rib man” and have urged McDonald’s to bring back the McRib and call it the “Ramsey McRib sammich.” To stop the blowing up of their mentions, McDonald’s posted the tweet you see in the above picture.

As of press time, McDonald’s still hadn’t met with Mr. Ramsey.

Disgusted by the slowness of McDonald’s and pissed their rival had the unexpected spotlight shined on them, Burger King chairman, Alexandre Behring, has offered Charles Ramsey a lifetime supply of Whoppers … with cheese!!! Which is incredible because that’s 10 cents extra!  When we asked what he thought of Burger King giving him Whoppers until he die, Mr. Ramsey said, “Aye bro’, Deaaadddddd giveaway!!!”

Update: After hearing news about Burger King introducing a rib sandwich for their summer menu, Ramsey now wants that to replace the lifetime supply of Whoppers. Guess he was a “rib man” after all.

Built on top of:

What do you think of Burger King jumping in the mix?

May 9 2013

Reloaded: OMFG!

I want you to perform a live demo of this letter for your Toastmasters icebreaker.

I want you to perform a live demo of this letter for your Toastmasters icebreaker.

Dear Har-old,

*pacing back and forth, head down, hand on top of head saying “think, Har-old, think! Think, dammit!*

*bumps into someone*

*Har-old slowly looks at figure from shoes to face then goes unconscious*

*Unconscious for 30 minutes*

*Har-old wakes up eyes hurting and hand rubbing head then hears a voice.*

Person : Are you okay?

Har-old : Yeah, I just had a crazy dream I met my …

Person : Here, let me give you a hand.

Har-old : Thanks!

*Har-old slowly looks at figure from toe to head then starts breathing heavy*

Person : Keep calm … and remember intellectuals tend to talk to themselves more frequently but it takes true genius to vividly see yourself as you would like to be while doing so.

Har-old : Oh my God! Do you … do you know who you are?!

Person : *smiles* Of course! I am you … from the future.

Har-old : What … what happen to your leg and arm?

Person : … You! Ha! Remember that famous photograph from Back To The Future of Marty and his siblings?

Har-old : Yeah, his brother was headless in it.

Person : You remember why?

Har-old : Because Marty was doing things in the past that affected the future.

Person : Now you know why I’m here!

Har-old : … Oh my God, you’re gonna give me a sports almanac that tells the future results of every major sporting event so I can become rich?!?! Yessss! *jumps up and down excitedly*

Person : What?! No, no, no! Calm down! I’m hopping around here on 1 foot and you think I’m here to help you?

Har-old : So you’re not here to help me cheat my way through life?

Person : What?! No! I’m here demanding you help me.

Har-old: Huh … how can I help you?

Person : Because you are in control of me. The best way to predict the future is by creating it today. My future life at 46 got off to a great start. billionaire; top 100 companies to work for; 4 many me’s running around trying to fill daddy’s shoes, etc. Then one by one I started to lose it all. I blamed everyone but myself. When I had no one else to blame, that’s only when I looked on the inside and found the problem … you!

Har-old : *looks left and right and mouths* Me?

Person : *shakes head yes* And now I’m at the last stage of what was once a bright future … losing body parts! Yeah … that too!

Har-old : I lost my kids? *look of disgust* What can I do to brighten everything up again? Please! I’ll do anything! Please!

Person: Very well. I will give you one subject a week that you are to give your strict attention to. 13 in all, allowing you to repeat the process 4 times in a year. Each subject is expanded on with a summary that you are to keep with you at all times as a “pocket remainder.”

  1. Time Manager Revolutionary – The time you kill is killing me.
  2. Body Guard - The hungrier one becomes, the clearer one’s mind works.
  3. Artist of Sex Transmutation – If you spent on your work one half the time you dissipate in pursuit of sex, you will never know poverty.
  4. Master of Emotions – A fixed positive response.
  5. Prisoner of Patience– Sit and watch the grass grow.
  6. Master of Appearances – Make your face as malleable as the actor’s.
  7. Fine Decision Maker– Get in the habit of reaching decisions quickly and definitely, and changing them slowly, if at all.
  8. Great Communicator  – A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.
  9. Bookish Applicant - Too often what we read and profess becomes a part of our libraries and our vocabularies, instead of becoming a part of our lives. (You’re wasting your time reading if you’re NOT applying.)
  10. Genius Level Planner – Think and feel beyond the present moment.
  11. Action Figure - DO IT NOW!
  12. Freedom Fighter – Lower level of inhibition.
  13. Master Mind – Success in the higher bracket of achievement is something that can be had only by taking others along with you.

Person : If you successfully complete this list, in one year, I will not only get back what I lost, I will have the ability to never live without it again.

Har-old : I don’t know what to say … thanks Har-old!

Person : Well don’t say that because if you successfully complete this list you will take the old out of your name and put in the new.

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S. Each letter in some way will expand on the subjects and summaries.

Siblings:

May 4 2013

Judge: Find A Job In 30 Days Or You’re Going To Jail

2 year Anniversary

“Nobody wouldn’t hire me so I hired myself,” said 19-year-old Dean Moxley, the Connecticut teen who was facing 2 years behind bars if he didn’t find a job in 30 days. “Day 24 I gave up hope and was so frustrated and just started preparing my mind for prison. I mean, I looked everywhere; online and offline. The string of interviews I did go on went well until I had to be truthful about my situation.”

Moxley was intoxicated and got into a fight that damaged a door at a friend’s house. He was charged with felony assault and vandalism. He was looking at 2 years in jail but made a deal with a public defender and got his charges lowered to misdemeanors. He was put on probation for a year. Since he was unemployed, part of the deal was to have a full-time job, go to AA and counseling at least twice a week. Moxley had to check in with the judge a month later, and if he was still unemployed, it would have violated his probation.

Judge Jon Ambrose said, “I was really impressed. Here’s a young man who could’ve gave up after hearing ‘no’ several times from employers but he let it motivate him to be in that position of power. Isn’t it strange that so often people have to be cut down by failure and defeat before they learn they have minds capable of mastering all of their problems? These past 30 days have been good for his mind. I plan on being a customer and will try to help him get more.”

Moxley started his own errand running company for Seniors and busy people called Back In A Minute. “I always run errands for my grandparents so it just made sense. Then I got all this time on my hands because I was unemployed that people didn’t have who were employed. Those people have to pick the kids up from school, go grocery shopping, go pay a bill, etc. I could do that for them. Despite what my legal matters say about me I am a very trustworthy person.” Moxley said business has picked up to the point he can’t run all the errands by himself and is looking to hire someone. “Not to discriminate or anything, but I hope I run into someone who was as desperate as me a few weeks ago, so I could be the one to say yes to them.”

Instead of being gone for 2 years, Moxley will be Back In A Minute.

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  • A CraigsList Ad

Happy 2 Year Anniversary FY!!!

Apr 27 2013

Teen Spends 3 Days In Jail For Peeing In Public As A Baby

I'll kick his ass!

I’ll kick his ass! (Image via Twitter)

15 years ago, Mallory Robboy was taking a walk with her 3-year-old when he told her he had to pee. Without a restroom or person in sight, she told him to just “make pee in grassy.” A police officer who was staking out the area saw the infraction and told her she had 2 choices: Pay a $2,000 fine or sometime during the age of 18 her son has to spend 3 days in jail. Financially strapped, she chose the latter. “It was the worst decision I ever made in my life,” the Alabama mom said. Robboy said she managed to block out her embarrassing decision for the last decade but on her son’s 18th birthday the nightmarish thought came back to haunt her: “At some point during the age of 18 I have to tell him he has to spend 3 days in jail for a bad decision I made when he was 3. What makes it worst is he’s never been to jail. He’s a good kid.” Robboy said the most tear jerker of all is she purposely tried to distance herself from her son over the years. “I tried to raise him up hard so he won’t become a momma’s boy. I figured if he expected a certain type of behavior from me then him going to jail because of me won’t hurt as much.” But it will, because despite her attempts of trying to distance herself from her son, Marshall Robboy, he’s a momma’s boy. Contributing to this is she’s a single parent and Marshall doesn’t have a father to run to when mommy mean. He only has her.

However, there’s a bright side.

Ms. Robboy said the only reason this happened in the first place is because she was financially strapped. “I became motivated to get rich so I would never be in that situation again. Ever since that day I’ve overcompensated for my bad decision.” However, although, Ms. Robboy is a millionaire now, it won’t do her and Marshall any good. She can’t bail him out. She can’t put him on house arrest. She can’t fight it. Her son has to spend 3 days in jail regardless. That was the deal made with the Alabama Police Department 15 years ago, sadly.

It’s April 27th 2013. Marshall’s 19th birthday is May 30th. Ms. Robboy has up until May 27th to turn her son in. We can only imagine how she will break this to him … and how he will take it :(

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How do you think Marshall will take this news?

 

Apr 22 2013

NASCAR and Triple A Fight Over The Hiring Of Serial Car Tire Slasher

Flat tire man

For most ex-convicts its tough finding a job upon release. Then there’s Yoshihito Harada, the 25-year-old Japanese man who was arrested for slashing the car tires of 1,000 women in the parking lots of supermarkets around Japan. While the women were in the stores, Harada used a screw driver to puncture their tires. Then he would come out of nowhere and “notice” their “predicament” BEFORE they did. Apparently suffering from Hero syndrome, Harada would then offer to fix their “flat.” While doing so, he would go for what he was really after: their phone number. “I recently got a flat and a man offered to change it for me,” said one victim of Harada’s scheme to her friend. The friend blurted,“The same thing happened to me!” Suspecting a scam, the women reported the matter to police who launched an investigation.

Reactions to this story has varied: Women find it creepy; men want to know how many numbers he got. But the most surprising reaction has been from Triple A and a pit crew at NASCAR, who see opportunity and the bright side of this situation. Both are reportedly in a bidding war over his employment after he gets out of the slammer. When both parties were asked why are they interested in Mr. Harada, they said the same thing, “After changing a thousand tires, he’s probably real skilled at it.” The NASCAR pit crew said they are pretty confident Harada will side with them because they have something AAA don’t: Danica Patrick. “Imagine how fast he will change those tires.”

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Do you think its right to look past what Harada did and reward him with a job?

Apr 20 2013

Greatest Revenge Ever Backfired: Horny Men Sent To His Ex’s House End Up In The Big House With Him

elitedaily_craiglist-485x323

“I’m a senior lady who is looking for some fun and adventure in my life!! Would like to meet a gentleman in his 50′s that is Hung and that can give me some pleasuring.”

Excerpt from a Craigslist ad a 61-year-old man wrote impersonating his 64-year-old ex-girlfriend to invite a string of horny middle-aged men to her home for “pleasuring.” The ad featured nude photos of her as well. If that wasn’t enough of an invasion of privacy, her address was also included in the ad in which the horny men used to find their way to her home. After too many knocks on her door, rings of her doorbell, and rocks thrown at her window, she found out why they had come to her home, then posted signs on her fence that read, “People who are here in response to ads on Craigslist are un-invited and are trespassing.” When the trespassing continued she reported these men to federal agents. 33 men were arrested and charged with trespassing of private property. The ex-girlfriend said she had to “frequently, often several times a day, chase away the men who have been enticed by these personal ads.” The agents also arrested her ex and charged him with felony stalking.

The move that motivated the ad was when the woman put a restraining order on her ex after he continuously harassed her after their 6 month relationship ended. But the woman said she became happy when she realized the ad will probably be his last attempt at revenge on her. From police, she learned her ex was “sexually assaulted” in prison by those SAME men he sent to her house. She said she visited him in jail to get the last laugh “behind the glass” but that quickly turned into tears. And not from joy. She said, “He was smiling the whole time I was laughing. It was messing with my mind. He’s suppose to be mad. Upset. The irony behind it. His greatest revenge backfired. When I asked him, why the hell is he smiling after he was fucked by the same men who he sent to fuck me? He said, ‘I made him hate women and after our relationship ended he became … gay.’ “

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Has an attempt at revenge ever backfired on you? *Answer in the comments*

Apr 13 2013

Woman Arrested In Road Rage Case After Victim Identifies Her In TOPLESS Lineup

Funny picHey, I’m down here! A San Francisco woman who intentionally rammed a man’s car during an argument over a parking spot was unlikely to be caught due to the victim’s inability to describe the make of her car and its license plate number. The man was so focused on her low-cut dress, police said, “he was only able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage.” In a surprising turn of events, the woman was pulled over a few days afterwards for cutting off another driver and flipping them off. Officer Richard Dick, who made the stop, said, “As I was talking to her, she kept poking her chest out. She gave me the impression she was trying to manipulate her way out of the ticket. I told her to stop doing that because I’m gay. She didn’t even act like she didn’t know what she was doing. She just deflated and released the posture. That made me recall the ramming incident in the parking lot at Haight. So, I brought her in for a lineup to see if the alleged victim could identify her.”

According to the San Francisco Police Department, the man was happy they got a lead in the case because he just bought the car and he didn’t want to pay for damages someone else was responsible for. All the women wore a low-cut dress. Officer Dick said, “After 15 minutes of careful observation of the women in the lineup, the man said, ‘I’m sorry, but all I can remember are her breasts. I’ll know them when I see them. They were distinct. May I? It will help me remember.’ ” The department reluctantly (or willingly) agreed. The man requested each of the women to say, “Ram me! Rear-end me!” Even with this, the man was still having trouble identifying which of the women rammed his new car. “He asked could he be left alone for a few minutes because it was still hard for him to concentrate,” said Officer Dick. The department agreed without suspicion, however, after he asked could the women see him behind the two-way mirror, they told him they had to put him in handcuffs for the few minutes he wanted to be “left alone,” just incase he did anything “inappropriate” with his hands.

When the officers came back in, he told them it was definitely woman number 4 and tried to quickly walk out the room. Officer Dick said, “He tried to rush out. I stopped him so I could see if that was the same woman I pulled over. I couldn’t see the women in the lineup the mirror had so much fog on it. But when I wiped the glass off I saw it was definitely the same woman.”

The San Francisco Police Department said despite the fog, they will NOT launch an investigation of the man’s “activities” while he was alone because its IMPOSSIBLE he did anything “inappropriate” while in handcuffs.

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Has the physical assets of another person ever made you a liability before? *Answer in the comments*

Apr 6 2013

Man Accidentally Bites Off His Finger Using New Mobile Phone Glove

Hi call bluetooth gloves

This is NOT the “happy” couple! Photo courtesy of hi-fun. Click on image to go to their site.

An Italian man accidentally bit off his pinky finger in a nasty phone argument with his girlfriend. The man was using hi-Call, which is a blue-tooth talking glove that allows you to talk through your hand. The left glove’s pinky features a microphone, while the thumb features a speaker. “I don’t like hearing what she has to say,” he said. “I have a habit of taking the phone off my ear and shouting at it. I do that because I can’t take the hurtful things she says when we fight. I could still hear her words coming out of my thumb. I became so mad I went from being blinded by love to a blind rage and forgot my pinky was resting on my bottom lip. As I was saying ‘I wish I could come through this phone and choke you’ my head violently jerked forward while my mouth was wide open and as my teeth was clamping down.”

The man said he plans on suing hi-Fun for not making the gloves thick enough. In a response statement, Hi-Fun wrote, “We are very saddened to know such a freakish incident happened using one of our products. However, we are not responsible for Mr. Andolini childish and careless behavior. We have spoken to the girlfriend. She said, ‘He liked talking in his hands so much that he thought only using them for winter was stupid so he found out a way to use the technology without the gloves.’ Therefore, hi-Fun has every reason to suspect Mr. Andolini was NOT using our gloves, which are 95% polyacrylonitrile, 3% cotton, 2% polyester, when he verbally attacked his girlfriend on the phone. However, in light of this situation-him wanting to use our technology beyond winter because the concept is so cool-we suspect others will do the same and involve us in more silly lawsuits. So, we have decided to refocus on who are our true customers are-children. Way before us kids were already making the ‘ring ring’ noise with their mouth and talking into their hands. And most importantly, they don’t have teeth.”


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Mar 30 2013

Boyfriend Breaks Up With Girlfriend After She Blogs About Missing Him … While He Sleeps … 3 Feet Away

Sleep Blogging

Anonymous blogging has cost one woman her relationship of 21 days. J, as he is called in the blog, IMissMyBoyfriend.com, went to sleep one night on the right side of the bed; reserving the left side for his girlfriend, K, as she calls herself on the blog. However, he woke up in the middle of the bed; girlfriend on neither side. He looked across the room and saw a familiar sight: his girlfriend’s head on top of her laptop’s keyboard as if it was a pillow. He told us, “She’s been falling asleep at her computer ever since we’ve been together. I’m always picking her up and putting her in the bed the next morning then going back to sleep myself. This time I wanted to do things differently and see what the hell she’s always working on.” He said, “After I put her in the bed, I sat down at her computer and started reading. I scanned all the headlines and it was all these posts about her missing me. It felt good for 5 seconds then I became disturbed when I realized I haven’t been on vacation. I haven’t been nowhere. At least not from her. We’re always together. We even work and go to school together. Then I started reading some of the posts and it was all about me scratching my ass and farting in my sleep and how I kept tossing and turning and how she was crying her eyes out because she missed me. I’m fucking three feet away you psycho!!! In one post, she said she experimented and blogged from the living room while I slept in the bedroom. She wrote she missed me so much she started crying so loud she woke me. Yeah, I remember this night. I jumped out of bed to ask her what was wrong and she said … nothing! To make matters worse, she even recorded videos of this crap. The fuck!!! It got 74,638 views. Who the fuck are you sick people?!?! I felt so embarrassed and so self-conscious. Who wants to know they snore??? I felt used. I don’t know if it was because she had writer’s block, was overly attached, a social media addict, or just a fucking psycho, but I had to put a restraining order on her that says she has to be a lot more than 3 feet away from me.”

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Mar 25 2013

Flying Black Garbage Bag Attacks Kids Walking Home From School

Best photo taken of the mysterious black garbage bag

Best photo taken of the mysterious black garbage bag. That’s some scary shit!

Leukemia, throat cancer, and respiratory illnesses ARE on the rise. Winds were so high in Memphis, number 9 on America’s Dirtiest Cities list, that it kept a 11XL black garbage bag suspended in the air for hours. To make matters worse, in one neighborhood, unsuspecting children who were walking home from school were attacked when this mysterious black garbage bag, as if possessed, started following them. The children didn’t notice they were being followed until some sort of strange green slime poured on top of one of their heads (yes, trash was still in the bag). The children scattered in opposite directions, however, the wind was so fierce that the 11XL garbage bag was flying flat, allowing it to cover as much ground as possible. Empty-Dominoes-pizza-boxes-with-nothing-but-the-crust-inside was among the trashed items the garbage bag used as weapons on the kids. Adult witnesses who tried to grab and step on the bag, whenever it did temporarily touch the ground, were met with defeat as the bag kept blowing out of reach as if it was a dollar on a string. A 7’1 man who happened to be in the area walking his dog was of no use, as his knees were bad (but you didn’t have to jump; you could’ve just thrown your hands in the air and waved ‘em like you just don’t care).

The children, the victims of this heinous crime are reported being “traumatized” by the experience. One mother of one of the boys said she told her son to take out the garbage 3 days later and he just broke down and started crying. He may never throw anything away again. Looks like Ilya Kabakov’s character may have come to life.

Although, this is a horrific incident, maybe, just maybe, there is some plus in this. Maybe now instead of having a measly $10 litter fine for flicking a cigarette butt to worry about, they have their kids to worry about. So the next time you see a person getting ready to flick it, just walk up to them and ask, “But what about the babies?”

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  • High Winds
Mar 24 2013
Aside

What’s on your 2013 Action Items list? This week is Great Communicator week. Two big goals for this week: Listen to your Best Kept Secrets of Great Communicators cd PASSED THE 3RD DISC. And most importantly, partake in your first ToastMasters. Bane on top of the tumblr. Bane on top of the tumblr. Bane on top of the tumblr. BANE!!!

Let’s Raise Our Glasses And Give A Toast To …

Mar 23 2013

After Being Kicked Out Of Denny’s, Police Let Homeless Men Get Away With Food

After The Belleville Chief of Police banned his officers from eating at a local Denny’s, he said, “Officers will go to Denny’s if they receive a service call.”

That statement was put to the test when two armed homeless men stuck the place up. They robbed EVERY customer that was present – including a six-year-old’s imaginary friend Visibull – not just of what was in the cash registers at Denny’s, but also, of what was in the kitchen: Macho Nacho Burgers, Smothered Cheese Fries, and All You Can Eat Pancakes was among the menu items the thieves forced the Denny’s employees to fix. One of the cooks said, “I have never cooked a Slow-Cooked Pot Roast that fast.”

The manager, who told five on-duty, but, out of uniform detectives they couldn’t have their guns in Denny’s was the same one who pressed the “hold-up button” to alert Belleville Police they were being robbed. The manager told us, “The response time was very, very slow. Then when they FINALLY arrived, they just waited outside in the parking lot. Then FINALLY, one officer got on the blow horn and said, ‘Let us know when you have the situation under control. We would come in, however, we can’t, because we’re armed.’ “

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