Tag Archives: humor

May 17 2013

Seized Counterfeit Condoms: Made In China But Made With Giant Deflated Yellow Rubber Ducky

deflated rubber ducky

Photo courtesy of NBC News/Tyrone Slu/Reuters

Our childhood is ruined! The 16.5-meter (54-foot or six-story)-tall rubber duck that mysteriously deflated in Hong Kong has been unfortunately linked to the busted counterfeit condom ring in China. According to reports, the confiscated 4.65 million packaged prophylactics and the 1,100 unpackaged condoms that were seized in the police raid was all made with Florentijn Hofman’s inflatable sculpture. Liu, one of the ring’s two bosses, is actually the one who snapped the above picture you see while his workers threw shurikens (similar to Batarangs) at the rubber duck to deflate it. Childhood ruined or not, some people are praising Liu’s photography skills. “Look at that looming background!” Speaking of Batman, some have said they can see the bat signal in the sky like Lao who said, “I wish he was there to save the night that night because I bought a hundred of those condoms on the internet. It was only 1 Yuan (16 cents).” When we asked him why did he buy so many, was it because they were dirt cheap or because he was … you know, he said, “Because they were so cheap. Anytime something is cheap I buy lots of it.” Well, we can only hope others who have bought the counterfeit brand-name condoms-including Durex, Contex, Jissbon-in which Liu’s factory was cranking out 20,000 a day of did the same or they will have more rubber ducks to buy.

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Do you think this is why China’s population is 2 billion?

May 11 2013

Burger King Gets In Touch With Charles Ramsey Before McDonald’s And Gives Him A Lifetime Supply Of Whoppers … With Cheese

McDonald's Charles Ramsey

After getting free publicity from a viral interview and 911 call, thousands of people have urged McDonald’s to do something for Charles Ramsey, the Cleveland kidnap “hero.” To honor him, some fans of Mr. Ramsey have bought Big Macs in droves, although, he never disclosed that was a part of his “lil’ McDonald’s.” Others have argued Mr. Ramsey “looks more like a rib man” and have urged McDonald’s to bring back the McRib and call it the “Ramsey McRib sammich.” To stop the blowing up of their mentions, McDonald’s posted the tweet you see in the above picture.

As of press time, McDonald’s still hadn’t met with Mr. Ramsey.

Disgusted by the slowness of McDonald’s and pissed their rival had the unexpected spotlight shined on them, Burger King chairman, Alexandre Behring, has offered Charles Ramsey a lifetime supply of Whoppers … with cheese!!! Which is incredible because that’s 10 cents extra!  When we asked what he thought of Burger King giving him Whoppers until he die, Mr. Ramsey said, “Aye bro’, Deaaadddddd giveaway!!!”

Update: After hearing news about Burger King introducing a rib sandwich for their summer menu, Ramsey now wants that to replace the lifetime supply of Whoppers. Guess he was a “rib man” after all.

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What do you think of Burger King jumping in the mix?

Apr 20 2013

Greatest Revenge Ever Backfired: Horny Men Sent To His Ex’s House End Up In The Big House With Him

elitedaily_craiglist-485x323

“I’m a senior lady who is looking for some fun and adventure in my life!! Would like to meet a gentleman in his 50′s that is Hung and that can give me some pleasuring.”

Excerpt from a Craigslist ad a 61-year-old man wrote impersonating his 64-year-old ex-girlfriend to invite a string of horny middle-aged men to her home for “pleasuring.” The ad featured nude photos of her as well. If that wasn’t enough of an invasion of privacy, her address was also included in the ad in which the horny men used to find their way to her home. After too many knocks on her door, rings of her doorbell, and rocks thrown at her window, she found out why they had come to her home, then posted signs on her fence that read, “People who are here in response to ads on Craigslist are un-invited and are trespassing.” When the trespassing continued she reported these men to federal agents. 33 men were arrested and charged with trespassing of private property. The ex-girlfriend said she had to “frequently, often several times a day, chase away the men who have been enticed by these personal ads.” The agents also arrested her ex and charged him with felony stalking.

The move that motivated the ad was when the woman put a restraining order on her ex after he continuously harassed her after their 6 month relationship ended. But the woman said she became happy when she realized the ad will probably be his last attempt at revenge on her. From police, she learned her ex was “sexually assaulted” in prison by those SAME men he sent to her house. She said she visited him in jail to get the last laugh “behind the glass” but that quickly turned into tears. And not from joy. She said, “He was smiling the whole time I was laughing. It was messing with my mind. He’s suppose to be mad. Upset. The irony behind it. His greatest revenge backfired. When I asked him, why the hell is he smiling after he was fucked by the same men who he sent to fuck me? He said, ‘I made him hate women and after our relationship ended he became … gay.’ “

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Has an attempt at revenge ever backfired on you? *Answer in the comments*

Apr 13 2013

Woman Arrested In Road Rage Case After Victim Identifies Her In TOPLESS Lineup

Funny picHey, I’m down here! A San Francisco woman who intentionally rammed a man’s car during an argument over a parking spot was unlikely to be caught due to the victim’s inability to describe the make of her car and its license plate number. The man was so focused on her low-cut dress, police said, “he was only able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage.” In a surprising turn of events, the woman was pulled over a few days afterwards for cutting off another driver and flipping them off. Officer Richard Dick, who made the stop, said, “As I was talking to her, she kept poking her chest out. She gave me the impression she was trying to manipulate her way out of the ticket. I told her to stop doing that because I’m gay. She didn’t even act like she didn’t know what she was doing. She just deflated and released the posture. That made me recall the ramming incident in the parking lot at Haight. So, I brought her in for a lineup to see if the alleged victim could identify her.”

According to the San Francisco Police Department, the man was happy they got a lead in the case because he just bought the car and he didn’t want to pay for damages someone else was responsible for. All the women wore a low-cut dress. Officer Dick said, “After 15 minutes of careful observation of the women in the lineup, the man said, ‘I’m sorry, but all I can remember are her breasts. I’ll know them when I see them. They were distinct. May I? It will help me remember.’ ” The department reluctantly (or willingly) agreed. The man requested each of the women to say, “Ram me! Rear-end me!” Even with this, the man was still having trouble identifying which of the women rammed his new car. “He asked could he be left alone for a few minutes because it was still hard for him to concentrate,” said Officer Dick. The department agreed without suspicion, however, after he asked could the women see him behind the two-way mirror, they told him they had to put him in handcuffs for the few minutes he wanted to be “left alone,” just incase he did anything “inappropriate” with his hands.

When the officers came back in, he told them it was definitely woman number 4 and tried to quickly walk out the room. Officer Dick said, “He tried to rush out. I stopped him so I could see if that was the same woman I pulled over. I couldn’t see the women in the lineup the mirror had so much fog on it. But when I wiped the glass off I saw it was definitely the same woman.”

The San Francisco Police Department said despite the fog, they will NOT launch an investigation of the man’s “activities” while he was alone because its IMPOSSIBLE he did anything “inappropriate” while in handcuffs.

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Has the physical assets of another person ever made you a liability before? *Answer in the comments*

Apr 6 2013

Man Accidentally Bites Off His Finger Using New Mobile Phone Glove

Hi call bluetooth gloves

This is NOT the “happy” couple! Photo courtesy of hi-fun. Click on image to go to their site.

An Italian man accidentally bit off his pinky finger in a nasty phone argument with his girlfriend. The man was using hi-Call, which is a blue-tooth talking glove that allows you to talk through your hand. The left glove’s pinky features a microphone, while the thumb features a speaker. “I don’t like hearing what she has to say,” he said. “I have a habit of taking the phone off my ear and shouting at it. I do that because I can’t take the hurtful things she says when we fight. I could still hear her words coming out of my thumb. I became so mad I went from being blinded by love to a blind rage and forgot my pinky was resting on my bottom lip. As I was saying ‘I wish I could come through this phone and choke you’ my head violently jerked forward while my mouth was wide open and as my teeth was clamping down.”

The man said he plans on suing hi-Fun for not making the gloves thick enough. In a response statement, Hi-Fun wrote, “We are very saddened to know such a freakish incident happened using one of our products. However, we are not responsible for Mr. Andolini childish and careless behavior. We have spoken to the girlfriend. She said, ‘He liked talking in his hands so much that he thought only using them for winter was stupid so he found out a way to use the technology without the gloves.’ Therefore, hi-Fun has every reason to suspect Mr. Andolini was NOT using our gloves, which are 95% polyacrylonitrile, 3% cotton, 2% polyester, when he verbally attacked his girlfriend on the phone. However, in light of this situation-him wanting to use our technology beyond winter because the concept is so cool-we suspect others will do the same and involve us in more silly lawsuits. So, we have decided to refocus on who are our true customers are-children. Way before us kids were already making the ‘ring ring’ noise with their mouth and talking into their hands. And most importantly, they don’t have teeth.”

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Mar 30 2013

Boyfriend Breaks Up With Girlfriend After She Blogs About Missing Him … While He Sleeps … 3 Feet Away

Sleep Blogging

Anonymous blogging has cost one woman her relationship of 21 days. J, as he is called in the blog, IMissMyBoyfriend.com, went to sleep one night on the right side of the bed; reserving the left side for his girlfriend, K, as she calls herself on the blog. However, he woke up in the middle of the bed; girlfriend on neither side. He looked across the room and saw a familiar sight: his girlfriend’s head on top of her laptop’s keyboard as if it was a pillow. He told us, “She’s been falling asleep at her computer ever since we’ve been together. I’m always picking her up and putting her in the bed the next morning then going back to sleep myself. This time I wanted to do things differently and see what the hell she’s always working on.” He said, “After I put her in the bed, I sat down at her computer and started reading. I scanned all the headlines and it was all these posts about her missing me. It felt good for 5 seconds then I became disturbed when I realized I haven’t been on vacation. I haven’t been nowhere. At least not from her. We’re always together. We even work and go to school together. Then I started reading some of the posts and it was all about me scratching my ass and farting in my sleep and how I kept tossing and turning and how she was crying her eyes out because she missed me. I’m fucking three feet away you psycho!!! In one post, she said she experimented and blogged from the living room while I slept in the bedroom. She wrote she missed me so much she started crying so loud she woke me. Yeah, I remember this night. I jumped out of bed to ask her what was wrong and she said … nothing! To make matters worse, she even recorded videos of this crap. The fuck!!! It got 74,638 views. Who the fuck are you sick people?!?! I felt so embarrassed and so self-conscious. Who wants to know they snore??? I felt used. I don’t know if it was because she had writer’s block, was overly attached, a social media addict, or just a fucking psycho, but I had to put a restraining order on her that says she has to be a lot more than 3 feet away from me.”

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Mar 25 2013

Flying Black Garbage Bag Attacks Kids Walking Home From School

Best photo taken of the mysterious black garbage bag

Best photo taken of the mysterious black garbage bag. That’s some scary shit!

Leukemia, throat cancer, and respiratory illnesses ARE on the rise. Winds were so high in Memphis, number 9 on America’s Dirtiest Cities list, that it kept a 11XL black garbage bag suspended in the air for hours. To make matters worse, in one neighborhood, unsuspecting children who were walking home from school were attacked when this mysterious black garbage bag, as if possessed, started following them. The children didn’t notice they were being followed until some sort of strange green slime poured on top of one of their heads (yes, trash was still in the bag). The children scattered in opposite directions, however, the wind was so fierce that the 11XL garbage bag was flying flat, allowing it to cover as much ground as possible. Empty-Dominoes-pizza-boxes-with-nothing-but-the-crust-inside was among the trashed items the garbage bag used as weapons on the kids. Adult witnesses who tried to grab and step on the bag, whenever it did temporarily touch the ground, were met with defeat as the bag kept blowing out of reach as if it was a dollar on a string. A 7’1 man who happened to be in the area walking his dog was of no use, as his knees were bad (but you didn’t have to jump; you could’ve just thrown your hands in the air and waved ‘em like you just don’t care).

The children, the victims of this heinous crime are reported being “traumatized” by the experience. One mother of one of the boys said she told her son to take out the garbage 3 days later and he just broke down and started crying. He may never throw anything away again. Looks like Ilya Kabakov’s character may have come to life.

Although, this is a horrific incident, maybe, just maybe, there is some plus in this. Maybe now instead of having a measly $10 litter fine for flicking a cigarette butt to worry about, they have their kids to worry about. So the next time you see a person getting ready to flick it, just walk up to them and ask, “But what about the babies?”

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  • High Winds
Mar 23 2013

After Being Kicked Out Of Denny’s, Police Let Homeless Men Get Away With Food

After The Belleville Chief of Police banned his officers from eating at a local Denny’s, he said, “Officers will go to Denny’s if they receive a service call.”

That statement was put to the test when two armed homeless men stuck the place up. They robbed EVERY customer that was present – including a six-year-old’s imaginary friend Visibull – not just of what was in the cash registers at Denny’s, but also, of what was in the kitchen: Macho Nacho Burgers, Smothered Cheese Fries, and All You Can Eat Pancakes was among the menu items the thieves forced the Denny’s employees to fix. One of the cooks said, “I have never cooked a Slow-Cooked Pot Roast that fast.”

The manager, who told five on-duty, but, out of uniform detectives they couldn’t have their guns in Denny’s was the same one who pressed the “hold-up button” to alert Belleville Police they were being robbed. The manager told us, “The response time was very, very slow. Then when they FINALLY arrived, they just waited outside in the parking lot. Then FINALLY, one officer got on the blow horn and said, ‘Let us know when you have the situation under control. We would come in, however, we can’t, because we’re armed.’ “

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Jul 20 2011

The Killing Joke

Ledger’s Joker said,

“…You see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are…”

Fast forward to Joker’s last scene. Batman threw him off a skyscraper building to his supposed death and he did nothing but laugh.

The fear of death is the Devil’s favorite weapon.

Why?

Because no one knows. No one can prove definitely what happens after death. This uncertainty frightens people out of their wits.

Death is silent. Humans are machines of interpretation and explanation. They have to know. So, the churches help instead of hinder the Devil’s cause. How? Because they’re saying something. If the churches stop speaking and mentioning God’s opposition, his cause would suffer a severe setback.

There is no such thing as a place called heaven or hell that a person goes after death. Heaven and hell are on planet earth. Har-old, your life is either a heaven or a hell. And it can be both throughout a person’s life. Some people make heaven after going through a life of hell. Some people go through hell after making a life of heaven.

Flip. Flip. Flip.

But the few ones who were tired of life’s flipping nature learned there was a key to life’s pearly gates. And you know how they did this? They discovered you are born living a heaven on earth because you have power over your thoughts. BUT! Your thoughts are set to negative by default. So, if you neglect to take control of your mind, it will STAY NEGATIVE and it will get worse over time due to your indifference. That’s why you must constantly and continuously search for positive thoughts that pay rent in your mind.

You have to do two challenging things …

Escape a burning house.

And cross a busy street to get to the big white house with the pearly gates.

What will you save from that burning house?

Will you look constantly both ways and not be a victim of a terrible hit-and-run “accident?”

Life is serious but death is a joke. You came in crying so leave laughing. Fear nothing!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

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May 23 2011

They Can’t Get Under Your Skin If It’s Thick

Dear Har-old,

Journalist Sydney J. Harris said, “If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?”

Har-old, they can’t get under your skin if it’s thick!

Become the “elephant in the room.”

Forgive but never forget.

Look constantly to the past that haunts your kitchen cabinets.

Negative criticism, jokes at your expense, disappointments, disheartening moments, disillusions, failures, losses, etc.

Though not to let them eat away at you and cloud your reason.

But to give you a “I heard it all ear,” a “I’ve seen it all eye,” a “I’ve been through it all mind.”

This will thicken your skin so much, that of the 206 bones in your body, people and things will ONLY be able to hit your funny bone.

Laugh with them … then laugh at them.

Train yourself to take nothing personal.

Do not be so vain!

Control your emotional responses.

You are a mind with a body; not a heart with a body.

Being sensitive, paranoid, defensive and subjective will thin you, Har-old.

Be the slippery soap that cannot be held: Let no one or nothing dry you up, or  keep you in their “palm.”

Futuristically yours,

Har+new