Tag Archives: mirror conversations

May 9 2013

Reloaded: OMFG!

I want you to perform a live demo of this letter for your Toastmasters icebreaker.

I want you to perform a live demo of this letter for your Toastmasters icebreaker.

Dear Har-old,

*pacing back and forth, head down, hand on top of head saying “think, Har-old, think! Think, dammit!*

*bumps into someone*

*Har-old slowly looks at figure from shoes to face then goes unconscious*

*Unconscious for 30 minutes*

*Har-old wakes up eyes hurting and hand rubbing head then hears a voice.*

Person : Are you okay?

Har-old : Yeah, I just had a crazy dream I met my …

Person : Here, let me give you a hand.

Har-old : Thanks!

*Har-old slowly looks at figure from toe to head then starts breathing heavy*

Person : Keep calm … and remember intellectuals tend to talk to themselves more frequently but it takes true genius to vividly see yourself as you would like to be while doing so.

Har-old : Oh my God! Do you … do you know who you are?!

Person : *smiles* Of course! I am you … from the future.

Har-old : What … what happen to your leg and arm?

Person : … You! Ha! Remember that famous photograph from Back To The Future of Marty and his siblings?

Har-old : Yeah, his brother was headless in it.

Person : You remember why?

Har-old : Because Marty was doing things in the past that affected the future.

Person : Now you know why I’m here!

Har-old : … Oh my God, you’re gonna give me a sports almanac that tells the future results of every major sporting event so I can become rich?!?! Yessss! *jumps up and down excitedly*

Person : What?! No, no, no! Calm down! I’m hopping around here on 1 foot and you think I’m here to help you?

Har-old : So you’re not here to help me cheat my way through life?

Person : What?! No! I’m here demanding you help me.

Har-old: Huh … how can I help you?

Person : Because you are in control of me. The best way to predict the future is by creating it today. My future life at 46 got off to a great start. billionaire; top 100 companies to work for; 4 many me’s running around trying to fill daddy’s shoes, etc. Then one by one I started to lose it all. I blamed everyone but myself. When I had no one else to blame, that’s only when I looked on the inside and found the problem … you!

Har-old : *looks left and right and mouths* Me?

Person : *shakes head yes* And now I’m at the last stage of what was once a bright future … losing body parts! Yeah … that too!

Har-old : I lost my kids? *look of disgust* What can I do to brighten everything up again? Please! I’ll do anything! Please!

Person: Very well. I will give you one subject a week that you are to give your strict attention to. 13 in all, allowing you to repeat the process 4 times in a year. Each subject is expanded on with a summary that you are to keep with you at all times as a “pocket remainder.”

  1. Time Manager Revolutionary – The time you kill is killing me.
  2. Body Guard - The hungrier one becomes, the clearer one’s mind works.
  3. Artist of Sex Transmutation – If you spent on your work one half the time you dissipate in pursuit of sex, you will never know poverty.
  4. Master of Emotions – A fixed positive response.
  5. Prisoner of Patience– Sit and watch the grass grow.
  6. Master of Appearances – Make your face as malleable as the actor’s.
  7. Fine Decision Maker– Get in the habit of reaching decisions quickly and definitely, and changing them slowly, if at all.
  8. Great Communicator  – A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.
  9. Bookish Applicant - Too often what we read and profess becomes a part of our libraries and our vocabularies, instead of becoming a part of our lives. (You’re wasting your time reading if you’re NOT applying.)
  10. Genius Level Planner – Think and feel beyond the present moment.
  11. Action Figure - DO IT NOW!
  12. Freedom Fighter – Lower level of inhibition.
  13. Master Mind – Success in the higher bracket of achievement is something that can be had only by taking others along with you.

Person : If you successfully complete this list, in one year, I will not only get back what I lost, I will have the ability to never live without it again.

Har-old : I don’t know what to say … thanks Har-old!

Person : Well don’t say that because if you successfully complete this list you will take the old out of your name and put in the new.

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S. Each letter in some way will expand on the subjects and summaries.

Siblings:

Jan 9 2013

What’s The Next Step Of Your Master Plan?!

Purple Galaxy

This was supposed to be one of the images in the changing header.

My experience with prayer has taught me that so often all which results from prayer is a plan (if the prayer is answered at all), a plan that is suited for the attainment of the object of the prayer through natural and material media. The plan must be transmuted, through self-effort action.

Dear Har-old,

We have mirror conversations all the time.

But the gems I drop in those conversations are often victims of recall.

The 100-something letters I wrote you were suppose to be the sticky notes on that mirror.

If I was on a writing schedule I would write you everyday.

You know why I don’t?

Not because I’m busy; I’ll always have time for you.

It’s because you discourage my typing fingers.

How?

You read; don’t apply.

Not just with my letters to you but with the content in your Billion Dollar Library as well.

Let’s put an end to this, soon! Tonight, maybe?

One of the best letters I wrote you is The 5 Secrets To Effective Prayer.

How many times in the last 11 months have you prayed?

ZERO!

Now, here you are on the last day of Genius Level Planner-Think And Feel Beyond The Present Moment and still sitting on a mere outline of a master plan.

Where are my smallest of details?

Well, good news …

You don’t have to plan like Joker.

Yayyyyyyyy!!!

But you do have to act like Bane.

Nooooooo!!!

When you pray using my suggested techniques, I want you to forget about your plan and just concentrate on your purpose.

Trust the Universal Mind to hand over your master plan.

The plan must STILL be acted upon.

YOU cannot escape this!

If you try, running will be the only verb you’re known for.

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

Feb 9 2012

The 5 Secrets to Effective Prayer

Us yesterday:

Har-old-What you doing?

Har+new-Reading old poetry.

Har-old-Whose old poetry?

Har+new- … Ours.

Har-old-Oh yeah … anything catch your attention?

Har+new-Yeah, actually, this line from God Gave Me Style, “I have my best conversations with God. He’s a great listener.” This line made me think of the brilliant alternative to prayer you had a long time ago about how to better communicate with God. You remember it?

Har-old-No

Har+new-About writing a letter to God and putting it in the pocket of a dead person you’re sure going to heaven.

Har-old-Haha

Har+new-Why you never tried that, man?

Har-old- *sighs* Didn’t know any saints.

Har+new-You still think about reaching him?

Har-old-Who?

Har+new-The How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Center Of A Tootsie Pop Owl. Who you think? God, man.

Har-old-Sometimes. But I don’t really believe in …

Har+new-… prayer. Just because God didn’t answer your prayer about Tomika do not mean prayer doesn’t work. Come here, sit. I’m gone teach you a new way to pray. It’s creative. It’s innovative. And most importantly, it’s effective. Okay …

One, body language. Do not get on your hands and knees. That is a beggar’s position. Sometimes the words coming out of people’s mouth doesn’t match their body language, but, in most prayers, they do. I’m talking prayers that consist of empty, begging, meaningless words. People who whine and beg God to assume responsibility for all their troubles and provide them with all the necessities and luxuries of life are too lazy to create what they want and translate it into existence through the power of their own minds. When you hear a person praying for something that he should procure through his own efforts, you may be sure you are listening to a drifter. Body language is 55% of communication. I didn’t kneel when I asked Now Wife to marry me. Why? Because I don’t beg someone to take half of my shit, possibly. Do not get on your hands and knees for no one. No one!

Two, imagery. You were created in God’s image, therefore, look in the mirror when you pray. You like that one, don’t you? Ah, there’s a catch though. You have to do it … with your eyes closed. Picture your ideal-self … in motion!

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Jan 10 2012

When The Conversation Is Better Than Catching A Fish

What are you called if fish is the only meat you eat? Pescetarian

Us 2 hours ago:

*mirror run*

Har-old – Har+new! Har+new!!

Har+new – What is it?

Har-old – I think I’m on to something.

Har+new – Proceed.

Har-old – I’ve noticed the list of the 10 most common motives which inspire thought-action are awfully similar to Your Majesty’s (Mr. Devil) bribes.

Har+new – What does that tell you?

Har-old – Your Majesty is action-based. Results. It’s all about results.

Har+new – Go on.

Har-old – The common list of motives are just that, common. It’s ordinary for people to want these things. It’s our natural desires. It’s … life. In fact, humans use the same bribes on each other. Anyway, that’s how Your Majesty is able to destroy people with their own help without them realizing what he’s doing. And very clever work it is!

Har+new – *smiles*

18 years later during a two-day fish trip …

Son – Papa, we been out here for 4 hours, and we, well, you, you haven’t caught a single fish. Watching you fish is boring. I don’t get why you brought me out here and won’t let me fish anyways.

Har+new – Your wrist is broken.

Son – It’s not that bad. Can we just go home? I’m tired.

Har+new – Yeah, I guess it is getting pretty late. Alright, come on.

*Har+new reels in the fish-hook, a fish-hook that his son didn’t see cast in the water at the start or at no other time during the 4 hours*

Son – Dad, what’s that?!

Har+new – What?

Son – Is that some money? It is!  A. Hundred. Dollars. Whoa! This is way better than catching a fish!

Har+new – This? Oh, this just the bait I used.

Son – …

Har+new – What?

Son – You used money to bait fishes???

Har+new – *epic pause* of course.

Son – You had me sitting out here for 4 hours with a bad wrist without letting me … *starts breathing heavy* I. Am. Never. Fishing. With. You. Again.

Har+new – Son, how would you like to make 25 dollars an hour?

Son – *changes facial expression* Talk.

*Har+new hands over the 100 dollars*

Son – *surprised look on his face* For me???

Har+new – For you.

Son – These 4 hours were totally worth it!

Next day …

Son – So, dad, today, let’s stay out here for 8 hours.

Har+new – You just want 200 dollars.

Son – Hell yeah!

Har+new – Well, sorry to disappoint, but, we’re using real bait this time, good ol’ worms.

Son – Well, does this mean you gone also let me fish?

Har+new – No, you’re still not fishing. Bad wrist, remember.

25 minutes later …

Son – Why you constantly reel it in if you don’t feel weight on the hook?

Har+new – …

10 minutes later …

Son – I don’t understand why you keep doing that. Are we catching fish or worms?

Har+new – …

5 minutes later …

Har+new – I think it’s a big one!

Son – Reel it in! Reel it in!

Har+new – We got a fighter!

*Har+new reels ‘em in*

Son – Whoa! Alright, dad.

*Son gets the net*

Son – Well, don’t just keep him in the water.

Har+new – We need to decide if we’re going to keep him or release him.

Son – Duh! We gone keep him. I’m starving!

*Har+new takes the hook out inflicting as little trauma as possible to the still-alive fish*

Son – What are you doing? Dad, what are you doing?!

*Har+new throws the big fish back in the waters*

Son – Are you serious???

10 minutes later …

Son – I still can not believe you did that.

Har+new – …

8 minutes later …

Har+new – Here we go again!

Son – Reel ‘em in! Reel ‘em in!

*Har+new reels ‘em in*

Son – Whoa! Has this ever been done before???

Har+new – Isn’t ‘em short for them?

Son – You caught TWO fish … at the same time! This is awesome!

*Son holds out the net*

Son – Come on, dad. Put ‘em in.

Har+new – …

Son – Oh no you’re not. I know that look from 15 minutes ago.

*Har+new unhook both fish letting them splash back in the waters*

5 minutes later …

Son – …

Har+new – …

20 minutes later …

Son – …

Har+new – …

*Har+new reels in the line and checks the hook*

Har+new – YES!

Son – …

Har+new – YES!

Son – What are you yessing about? You didn’t catch a fish.

Har+new – The worm is gone!

Son – Yeah, so?

Har+new – That means a fish was able to steal the bait without getting hooked. It refused. *starts breathing heavy* It. Refused.

Son – … *turns away and says to himself* I am on the boat with a crazy person.

Har-old, when you make it, Your Majesty will play both ends against the middle (you). Therefore, maintain the balance of getting what you want from life without getting something you don’t want wrapped in the package.

FY,

Har+new

P.S.  Why do people use the fish analogy with dating when it’s the stupid fish that get caught?

FY Related:

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
Dec 16 2011

You, Lucky Dog, You!

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall. Who’s The Best Narcissist Of Them All?

Dear Har-old,

Us yesterday:

Har+new: Why are you always looking in the mirror?

Har-old: Because I look crazy talking to you without one.

Har+new: Ha! You do more “listening” than talking.

Har-old: Okay. Don’t you want me to be a better listener? Isn’t that one of the qualities you’re helping me develop?

Har+new: Yes, but no, that’s not what I meant. You “listen” as an excuse to look.

Har-old: Huh?

Har+new: Since when did blowing kisses while another person is talking make one a great listener? You can’t walk pass a mirror without looking in it, can you?

Har-old: Yes I can!

Har+new: Ha! Not with peripheral vision, you can’t. Remember when you worked at Smith & Nephew? That day you were headed to the restroom and saw Lauren waiting in the lobby? Instead of approaching her and telling her how much you were crushing on her, you ran to the restroom to make sure you looked presentable a-k-a making sure your nose was booger-free. By the time you got back she was long gone.

Har-old: Who knows how long she was sitting there when I saw her? They probably finally saw her after making her wait forever.

Har+new: Or you was in the mirror forever. Hmmm? And when did you start to care if people thought you were crazy or not? Hmmm?

Har-old, this is how I knew Now Wife was the one:

I use to date this girl who was beautiful, I mean stunning, gorgeous, sexy, hot, fine as hell, OH MY GOD BROTHER! But I can only give her those physical compliments, you know, because she was dumb as a rock, man. This broad was … this broad was a complete idiot, Har-old. And one day while we were out on a date I saw my friend Rob. He approached us before we got seated. And you know how if a buddy catches you on a hot date with a hot chick he doesn’t try to take up too much time with small talk but the little time he does take and the small talk he does give is staring at her and complimenting her looks. And, I expected that, you know. And, I was okay with it, ya know … until:

Rob: Har-old, she is beautiful. I mean stunning, gorgeous, sexy, hot, fine as hell, OH MY GOD BROTHER. You, lucky dog, you!

Date: Hahahaha!

Rob: Well, I will get out of you kids way, and let y’all enjoy the rest of y’all’s night.

Har+new: Hold on! Wait a minute! “You, lucky dog, you???”

Rob: What’s that?

Har+new: “You, lucky dog, you?”

Rob: Yeah?

Har+new: Rob, you have known me for many, many years. You know how hard I worked. You know how I busted my ass to get to where I’m at. To get to the top. To get to this position. To establish my wealth. To make my ideas reality. The blood, sweat, tears!  YOU KNOW THAT!

Rob: Har+new, calm down. Calm down, brother.

Har+new: And you know if I was a chick you would totally bang me. This girl … let go of my arm … this girl is a freaking dummy. She may have the beauty but she doesn’t have the brains to match …

I went on for another 10 minutes like this. Suffice to say I got a glass of water thrown in my face. I was SO angry at this girl’s looks that I wanted the next girl to be the smartest girl I’ve ever met with total disregard for her looks. And I found her! While we were out on a date I saw Rob again. This time his little time and small talk was ALL directed at me.

Rob: Well, I will get out of you kids away, and let y’all enjoy the rest of y’all’s night.

Har+new: Hey man! Where are you going???

Rob: Home?

Har+new: You not gone compliment my date on how she looks?

Rob: Why?

Har+new: What you mean why?

Rob: Brother, look at her.

Har+new: *turns head* DAMN, YOU UGLY! Let go of my arm! No, Rob, no! She is smart as hell. She has 4 degrees, okay, Rob. FOUR! She knows 6 active languages and two more arcane and dead ones. You hear me?! Have a conversation with it, HER!. HER! Have one, Rob!

Rob: *scared look on his face* Please, no. I don’t want to. Please don’t make me have one. Please! I beg of you.

I went on for another 5 minutes like this … trying to get Rob to have a conversation with that thing. Suffice to say I got a glass of water thrown in my face … Rob did too. Again, I was SO angry at having a beauty without brains to match or a brainiac without beauty to match that I wanted the next girl to be the best of both worlds. That’s right. I was done being tacky. And, I found her … Now Wife. When Rob caught us out in public you should’ve seen it. His little time and small talk was evenly distributed between me and her. And by this time the phrase “You, Lucky Dog, You” was an inside joke between Rob and I. We told each other whenever we caught the other out on a date or if we talked too extensively about a girl we would say the phrase. And that’s when IT happened:

Rob: Well, I will get out of you kids way, and let y’all enjoy the rest of y’all’s night.

Har+new: Rob, you forgetting something.

Rob: Oh yeah!

Rob gets between us, disconnecting our hand holding, grabs her left arm, lifts her hand up and kisses it and turns to me and says:

Rob: Har+new, I’ve known you for many, many years. She is by far the most attractive woman you’ve ever been with. You, lucky dog, you! Hahahaha!

Har+new: Hahahaha!

Now Wife: Shut the hell up! Both of you! *looks at Rob* Let go of my arm! I’m Not Just A Pretty Face. I appreciate the compliment, I do. But *grabs her face* I’m just renting this for a while. But *points index finger at her head* this is mines to own.

She went on for another 22 minutes like this. Wow! Suffice to say a glass of water was thrown in my face … by myself. I thought I was dreaming.

Maybe you should cover the mirror with post it notes if you can’t stop looking in it. LOOK ON IT! Those are the words that aren’t backwards. Accept my suggestion. You’ll thank *holds right palm up* you’ll blow a kiss at me later.

FY,

Har+new

P.S. Har-old, let’s have a good Friday and make history this weekend strong-end.

Dec 12 2011

This Blog Sucks! It Doesn’t Have Any Sex In It!

And funny things, too. She’s got one up there that says, “Slippery When Wet.”

Dear Har-old,

Us three weeks ago:

Har+new: You know what’s wrong with this blog?!

Har-old: *too scared to answer*

Har+new: It sucks! It doesn’t have any sex in it!

Scene from Demolition Man:

Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex?

John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now?

Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm.

John Spartan: Oh yeah!

[after futuristic, contact-free "sex"]

John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don’t we just do it the old-fashioned way?

Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean … *fluid transfer*?

Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creäture John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!

Har-old, here’s an excerpt of the first conversation my now wife and I had when we first met and the topic of discussion was sex:

Her: You wanna know why the traditional woman makes a man wait for sex?

Me: Why?

Her: Because she knows the typical man will lose interest in her afterwards. And everything before sex is nothing but hyping, promoting, marketing, advertising all her non-physical qualities. Her personality, her sense of humor, her intellect, her dreams and aspirations, her creativity, her ideas of fun, her imagination, you name it. And when she’s confident in those things then she haves sex and depending on how the guy acts afterward she knows how good of a job she did with her advertising. Most men rather have sex for the first time with a different woman than have sex the second time with the same woman.

Me: I hope I like and love you SO much one day that I never want to have physical sex with you!

Her: Haha! But, I do want to have kids one day, don’t you?

Me: Yeah, but, let’s make our first child a brainchild.

So, began, a sex life built on the foundation of two quotes: Andy Warhol’s “Never doing it is very exciting.” And  strippers’ “look but don’t touch” rule. What made this foundation solid was your persistence with your mind over matter (brains over beauty) philosophy when it came to the f gender. Do not stop thinking like that! Remember: The power of physicality is its potential to ruin everything. Now I’m not telling you to find the world’s smartest girl, however, the world’s ugliest girl, because physical features is the initial attraction … unless you’re online. By the way, wife is hot!

Har-old, you are NOT a John Spartan! There is no male presently living in your time who’s better prepared for futuristic, contact-free sex than you. You have po-ten-tial to master something at your age that man unconsciously puts to use in his 40′s. Notice I used po-ten-tial for you and unconsciously for them because you are fully aware of this great power. But being aware of it isn’t good enough. You must apply, constantly. Fortunate for you, you got me, to help you cheat. Read between the lines of Masturbating With Imagination, letters on patience, read The Art Of Sex Transmutation chapter, and sharpen your Eidetic memory. Most importantly, work on your child-like imagination because the future is ruled by it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because your apartment is putting you in danger!

How?

Stay tuned!

FY,

Har+new

P.S. I found my voice … again. About to sex this blog up.

Related Letters: