Tag Archives: sex

May 20 2013

Sex By The River

Wet t-shirt from working out

If you look closely you can see I sweat fashionably.

Dear Har-old,

the water in the river is the emotion of sex.

the dam is the emotion of sex having no outlet.

the water flowing around the dam is the emotion of sex finding an outlet through physical channels.

masturbation and sex is water flowing downhill. the former kills productivity. only thing good about the latter is it’s the perpetuation of mankind. our kids! fortunately for you, you only have to worry about the former :)

the transmutation of sex energy to a creative outlet is water flowing uphill. capillary action takes will-power because it works against the law of gravity but the reward of riches at the top of the hill is worth the effort.

castration will take away your major source of action and will kill the fight in you. the beast. the animal. grrr! you don’t want that!

your precious dams will work for a while but the rain will stop that sunshine. the emotion of sex needs an outlet and they’re only 2: physical or creative. sex is low barrier and the fastest idea you can act on because of how strong and powerful the emotions are. so, imagine what would happen if you made that the driving force behind your occupation. spend half the time on it and see!

i always tell you to learn how to master your emotions, especially your anger. don’t kill nobody, alright! sex is your number one emotion. master that first. the other 13 are of lesser importance.

water is one of the main necessities of life. it cannot be defeated! you either drink the water and piss it out or pour it on you for growth.

if anybody got what it takes to be Har+new you do! Love you!

FY,

Har+new

Siblings:

 

Apr 20 2013

Greatest Revenge Ever Backfired: Horny Men Sent To His Ex’s House End Up In The Big House With Him

elitedaily_craiglist-485x323

“I’m a senior lady who is looking for some fun and adventure in my life!! Would like to meet a gentleman in his 50′s that is Hung and that can give me some pleasuring.”

Excerpt from a Craigslist ad a 61-year-old man wrote impersonating his 64-year-old ex-girlfriend to invite a string of horny middle-aged men to her home for “pleasuring.” The ad featured nude photos of her as well. If that wasn’t enough of an invasion of privacy, her address was also included in the ad in which the horny men used to find their way to her home. After too many knocks on her door, rings of her doorbell, and rocks thrown at her window, she found out why they had come to her home, then posted signs on her fence that read, “People who are here in response to ads on Craigslist are un-invited and are trespassing.” When the trespassing continued she reported these men to federal agents. 33 men were arrested and charged with trespassing of private property. The ex-girlfriend said she had to “frequently, often several times a day, chase away the men who have been enticed by these personal ads.” The agents also arrested her ex and charged him with felony stalking.

The move that motivated the ad was when the woman put a restraining order on her ex after he continuously harassed her after their 6 month relationship ended. But the woman said she became happy when she realized the ad will probably be his last attempt at revenge on her. From police, she learned her ex was “sexually assaulted” in prison by those SAME men he sent to her house. She said she visited him in jail to get the last laugh “behind the glass” but that quickly turned into tears. And not from joy. She said, “He was smiling the whole time I was laughing. It was messing with my mind. He’s suppose to be mad. Upset. The irony behind it. His greatest revenge backfired. When I asked him, why the hell is he smiling after he was fucked by the same men who he sent to fuck me? He said, ‘I made him hate women and after our relationship ended he became … gay.’ “

Built on top of:

Has an attempt at revenge ever backfired on you? *Answer in the comments*

Apr 13 2013

Woman Arrested In Road Rage Case After Victim Identifies Her In TOPLESS Lineup

Funny picHey, I’m down here! A San Francisco woman who intentionally rammed a man’s car during an argument over a parking spot was unlikely to be caught due to the victim’s inability to describe the make of her car and its license plate number. The man was so focused on her low-cut dress, police said, “he was only able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage.” In a surprising turn of events, the woman was pulled over a few days afterwards for cutting off another driver and flipping them off. Officer Richard Dick, who made the stop, said, “As I was talking to her, she kept poking her chest out. She gave me the impression she was trying to manipulate her way out of the ticket. I told her to stop doing that because I’m gay. She didn’t even act like she didn’t know what she was doing. She just deflated and released the posture. That made me recall the ramming incident in the parking lot at Haight. So, I brought her in for a lineup to see if the alleged victim could identify her.”

According to the San Francisco Police Department, the man was happy they got a lead in the case because he just bought the car and he didn’t want to pay for damages someone else was responsible for. All the women wore a low-cut dress. Officer Dick said, “After 15 minutes of careful observation of the women in the lineup, the man said, ‘I’m sorry, but all I can remember are her breasts. I’ll know them when I see them. They were distinct. May I? It will help me remember.’ ” The department reluctantly (or willingly) agreed. The man requested each of the women to say, “Ram me! Rear-end me!” Even with this, the man was still having trouble identifying which of the women rammed his new car. “He asked could he be left alone for a few minutes because it was still hard for him to concentrate,” said Officer Dick. The department agreed without suspicion, however, after he asked could the women see him behind the two-way mirror, they told him they had to put him in handcuffs for the few minutes he wanted to be “left alone,” just incase he did anything “inappropriate” with his hands.

When the officers came back in, he told them it was definitely woman number 4 and tried to quickly walk out the room. Officer Dick said, “He tried to rush out. I stopped him so I could see if that was the same woman I pulled over. I couldn’t see the women in the lineup the mirror had so much fog on it. But when I wiped the glass off I saw it was definitely the same woman.”

The San Francisco Police Department said despite the fog, they will NOT launch an investigation of the man’s “activities” while he was alone because its IMPOSSIBLE he did anything “inappropriate” while in handcuffs.

Built on top of:

Has the physical assets of another person ever made you a liability before? *Answer in the comments*

Aug 1 2012
Aside

Forgotten genius Nikola Tesla was celibate and never married claiming that his chastity was very helpful to his scientific abilities. He also believed that plant food was “superior to [meat] in regard to both mechanical and mental performance”. Respect the mind’s power over the body. Your head is on the top for a reason. Your mind is the software; your body the hardware. Think of yourself as an Apple product. What are Apple products? Well integrated! So, in order for your mind to give it’s best performance you have to watch what you put in your body (food) and careful about what you let out (sperm). The only thing standing between you and me is old habits. Kick ‘em! Who do you want to be, Bane from Batman & Robin or Bane from The Dark Knight Rises? You choose.

The Whole Widget Concept

Dec 12 2011

This Blog Sucks! It Doesn’t Have Any Sex In It!

And funny things, too. She’s got one up there that says, “Slippery When Wet.”

Dear Har-old,

Us three weeks ago:

Har+new: You know what’s wrong with this blog?!

Har-old: *too scared to answer*

Har+new: It sucks! It doesn’t have any sex in it!

Scene from Demolition Man:

Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex?

John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now?

Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm.

John Spartan: Oh yeah!

[after futuristic, contact-free "sex"]

John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don’t we just do it the old-fashioned way?

Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean … *fluid transfer*?

Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creäture John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!

Har-old, here’s an excerpt of the first conversation my now wife and I had when we first met and the topic of discussion was sex:

Her: You wanna know why the traditional woman makes a man wait for sex?

Me: Why?

Her: Because she knows the typical man will lose interest in her afterwards. And everything before sex is nothing but hyping, promoting, marketing, advertising all her non-physical qualities. Her personality, her sense of humor, her intellect, her dreams and aspirations, her creativity, her ideas of fun, her imagination, you name it. And when she’s confident in those things then she haves sex and depending on how the guy acts afterward she knows how good of a job she did with her advertising. Most men rather have sex for the first time with a different woman than have sex the second time with the same woman.

Me: I hope I like and love you SO much one day that I never want to have physical sex with you!

Her: Haha! But, I do want to have kids one day, don’t you?

Me: Yeah, but, let’s make our first child a brainchild.

So, began, a sex life built on the foundation of two quotes: Andy Warhol’s “Never doing it is very exciting.” And  strippers’ “look but don’t touch” rule. What made this foundation solid was your persistence with your mind over matter (brains over beauty) philosophy when it came to the f gender. Do not stop thinking like that! Remember: The power of physicality is its potential to ruin everything. Now I’m not telling you to find the world’s smartest girl, however, the world’s ugliest girl, because physical features is the initial attraction … unless you’re online. By the way, wife is hot!

Har-old, you are NOT a John Spartan! There is no male presently living in your time who’s better prepared for futuristic, contact-free sex than you. You have po-ten-tial to master something at your age that man unconsciously puts to use in his 40′s. Notice I used po-ten-tial for you and unconsciously for them because you are fully aware of this great power. But being aware of it isn’t good enough. You must apply, constantly. Fortunate for you, you got me, to help you cheat. Read between the lines of Masturbating With Imagination, letters on patience, read The Art Of Sex Transmutation chapter, and sharpen your Eidetic memory. Most importantly, work on your child-like imagination because the future is ruled by it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because your apartment is putting you in danger!

How?

Stay tuned!

FY,

Har+new

P.S. I found my voice … again. About to sex this blog up.

Related Letters:

Sep 6 2011

Masturbating With Imagination

Who left a empty toilet roll in the bathroom?Dear Har-old,

Do you remember Dean Martin‘s Standing On The Corner?

I think she’s on to me.

The other day my/our wife noticed me indulging in my favorite hobby-girl watching.

She knows I’m definitely observant, a people-watcher and I’ve glanced at attractive women before. However, I think what happened the other day struck her as more than a passing glance. Maybe I’m paranoid.

I know what you’re saying, “It’s just girl watching.” Well, it’s actually more . . .

I undress women with my eyes; I stare at them long enough to picture them naked. And … I’m quite accurate! How I know? I did the same thing to her before she actually took it off and *whispers* the dimples was right there . . . the mole too.

Now before you start jumping up and down violently, screaming, “my future-self got superpowers,” I’m sure you will like to hear how you got these “superpowers.”

You simply returned to masturbating with your imagination. You know, how you first started-without any visual stimuli and with only your mind’s eye. Ha! I don’t know why I used the word simple because it wasn’t . . . at all.

Why wasn’t it simple?

Because you became dependent on visual stimuli. Yeah, that damn internet!

You found it 10x easier with porn because you didn’t have to think and you could just focus on pleasure. And those times you did “try” with your imagination again, you complained, “it doesn’t flow and I can’t focus on pleasure and my penis doesn’t get as hard.”

So, instead of jumping from the bottom of the stairs to the top, you took it one step at a time. You did it gradually. You went from video . . . picture . . .  back to imagination.

Kid, you already have a vivid imagination, so use it in ALL areas.

As Mark Twain said,

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

FY,

Har+new

Jun 16 2011

Why Women Won’t Rescue You From Fantasy Island

Dear Har-old,

American artist Andy Warhol said, “Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.”

You’re stuck on this deserted island.

A number of helicopters have flown by you.

Your jumps aren’t high enough.

Your screams aren’t loud enough.

Your hand-waving isn’t violent enough.

The wind has blown away every smoke signal.

The sound of an upcoming helicopter is music to your ears.

But you don’t even attempt to get its attention.

You accept your role as an ant.

But with your pair of binoculars you try to see who is in the helicopter:

YOUR MOST DESIRED WOMEN.

As you put down your binoculars, bras land on the top of your head, panties at your feet.

It is freaking raining clothes!

They not only seen you this WHOLE TIME but now they are teasing you.

Think like women: Play to people’s fantasies.

The physical hinders the power of fantasy.

And if you do let them come close enough to touch your skin, they should comment, “Wow feels almost life-like.”

The key to fantasy is distance.

Promise the moon but never let them land on it.

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

May 19 2011

Lead Me Not Into Temptation…

Dear Trista,

Give up on old crushes-A crush is just a crush.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Embrace it as hormones and chaotic thinking patterns.

In order to be successful in life, you just give up on some things. This being one of them.

Say your goodbyes. Hello new goals. Better focus.

Futuristically yours,

Tris-Transformation