The late Jim Henson accused of sexual assault by Kermit The Frog: “He put his entire arm up my keester”

When Kermit the Frog presented the Muppet Thought of the Week back in August it was met with mixed reviews, mostly negative, in the Youtube comment section of the video. The quote itself was praised. It was the voice that delivered the message that drew heavy criticism. “Kermit voice sounds like Ernie from Sesame Street,” one displeased commenter wrote. “Kermit’s new voice sounds awful,” another one remarked. When questioned by the paparazzi about the negative feedback, Kermit admits to doing things differently this time around. “That was my real voice. The first video I ever did without an arm up my keester.” The shocking response immediately prompted speculation Kermit the Frog was being fisted on camera by Jim Henson and Steve Whitmire for 62 years. I owe my fame to Henson. I wanted to retire when he suddenly died in 1990. After several weeks of his kids, Brian and Jane, personally asking me to let Steve put his hands up my keester and continue their father’s legacy I obliged. You can’t say no to the kids. It first it felt weird having someone else’s fingers moving all around in my keester, and my voice was off, then too, if you look at the videos in that period. Then I started to get use to it and my voice sounded like how a voice suppose to sound when you have an arm up your keester.”

“Dreams are how we figure out where we want to go. Life is how we get there,” he says in the short clip. “I’m headed this way.”

Kermit the Frog stated the message he delivered on Muppet Thought of the Week using his real voice was not a coincidence at all. “You know, I first met Jim when we were both 12 years old. I left the swamps of Mississippi and was the first frog to talk to a human. It started in his biology class. He was playing around and stuck his finger up my keester and I communicated all his deepest thoughts. Humans scared me, and I was too shy to do it again, but somehow he convinced me with a teacup and a spoon.”

Kermit reveals his decision to finally use his real voice was due to age and understands the initial shock of the change but hopes for positive feedback soon as more videos are released. “I’m not getting any younger. At any moment I can croak. It’s not easy being green.”

Do you think other animals will come out about their owners?

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Police Officer gets major surprise after pulling over driver of car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Cops photograph car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Massachusetts – No, it wasn’t Clark Griswold leading Sudbury PD on a Chevy Chase. It was the father of Officer Noble driving tree miles-per-hour in a brand new minivan. “I’m like, dad, did you steal this? This is not our precious Malibu Most Wanted. Where did you get this from? I was stunned, you know.” Officer Noble’s partner, Officer Shambo, insisted a citation be written due to the safety hazard for all drivers. “The tree eclipsed the car. With the way the tree covered the door, if something bad would’ve happen, it would have been difficult for passengers to get out. Her little brother was inside as well. The tree dangled over the windshield causing view obstruction. Other drivers could be distracted by the tree and not pay attention to traffic,” said Officer Shambo. Noble argued against a citation in favor of a verbal warning and helping secure the tree to the roof with caution tape. After a little back and forth between the partners, Noble’s cousin jumped out the Christmas tree with a camcorder yelling “You Got Punked” in reference to the infamous Ashton Kutcher reality show. Noble learned her family and partner staged the whole event to give her Christmas present early, which was under the tree, the 2018 Chrysler Pacifica. “The patrol car was my car. Now I can feel like a soccer mom and not a bad mom having my kids ride in the backseat.”

What do you want for Christmas?

Taco Bell testing out turning hot sauce packets into fortune cookies

Shanghai, China – Yum China Holdings, Inc. (“Yum China,” NYSE: YUMC), and Taco Bell Corp., the world’s largest Mexican-inspired restaurant chain, today announced that they have fine-tuned a Taco Bell favorite for Chinese consumers: putting words of wisdom on the inside of hot sauce packets instead of the outside to remind customers of fortune cookies. Despite the success the brand has had since relaunching (January 2017) its first restaurant in China since 2008, Chief Executive Officer, Micky Pant, still felt like the menu was missing something.

“The menu features Taco Bell favorites that have been adapted to local tastes. We give more of a generous serving of rice in our burritos than Americans receive. We put rice in our taco salads and use soy sauce as dressing, also, including it as a non-alcoholic beverage. Hell, we even brought back the Chihuahua and didn’t cook it, but something still was barking at me,” expressed Pant. “At the time we weren’t selling Mexican fries and I was in the mood for some French fries and Burger King was the closes, being down the street. As I’m driving there I see all these red packets in the road, so many, in fact, I get out my car to clean them from the lane. They were crushed ketchup packets. So, I get there and order. They were so frea-king boring! So frea-king average! How can a place like Burger King get it right when it comes to burgers but so wrong when it comes to fries? They were disgusting! I complained. That’s when it hit me. I took another route back to Taco Bell and was combing through our hot sauce packets and there it was, ‘The road to mediocrity is littered with empty ketchup packets.’ The kind of stuff that tells you the future. Millions of people already collect our packets for the sayings, so all the more reason to tear carefully.”

To help guide customers, Pant stated the new packaging will have a empty white box on the front of the packets, which will be the location of the phrases on the inside.

In the announcement, Pant shared that them making sauce packets into fortune cookies will not hurt Chinese restaurants as much as their entire menu has hurt real Mexican restaurants since 1962. The Yums Brand had nothing but complimentary remarks for Yum’s. “We can never compete with them, okay. While we spend billions to get more than half the US population to see our commercials once a week, they never make them and still serve billions. When was the last time you seen a commercial for a Chinese restaurant?”

Have you ever seen a commercial for your local Chinese restaurant?

two YOU's in future