You know that loss you’re trying to figure out? It doesn’t exist. You haven’t lost anything. You keep looking back on how things used to be, all the work you’ve done and you feel like you’ve lost all the rewards, progress, proof of your experiences. But you haven’t lost it, you threw it all away.
You had every right to do that, and there is no reason to despair. You could just as easily go pick it all up. But wait, don’t do that. You threw the pieces of yourself all over the place, you can’t really go pick it all up right now without abandoning who you are today. You have a family dependent on you, and you ought to be seriously comfortable before you start trekking all over the place with two kids in tow, trying to find pieces of your old life that you wouldn’t even recognize if they were put before you.
Guess what. I AM NOT looking for pieces of the past. I’m not wallowing in self-pity and some unfocused sense of loss. I have picked up the pieces of you that you needed and kept going. I’ve let go of last year’s dreams, and the dreams before that, the dreams you have now and the dreams you’re lamenting for. By doing that my dreams have evolved into something I never knew they could be.
I didn’t have to go re-do all the work I did before. I didn’t have to beg people to pay attention to me again. I didn’t have to go through pages of emails to contact people I(we) haven’t talked to in forever. Stop thinking you have to scrape up the pieces of the past and redo it all exactly like you did before. All you have to do is be you. Put yourself out there and allow me to come to you. You have used the excuse with your family that if you haven’t planned something you have a hard time adjusting…the truth is if you have planned something you have a hard time letting go of that plan.
That plan you had was great. You know that, but that plan worked as well as it should’ve for the phase you were in at that time in your life. Go ahead with a plan for the you that you’ve become since then. Most importantly realize your plans will need to change as often as you do. Allow yourself to grow, transform and adjust your goals and preferences to fit you as you expand.
I don’t really know why I’m telling you this. You know that eventually you’re going to be me. You know that you’re going to have to see things as they are. I don’t see you writing letters to your former self that you loved so much. I mean if you loved her so much why don’t you marry her??? Really? I’m sure you could find a way in your poetic mind to rationalize a metaphysical marriage between you now and you who you miss from the past. Perhaps that’s what I’m doing to you now.
I’m engaging you in a union. You knew it would happen eventually anyway, so why don’t we cut out the middle wom[b]-man…that’d be you… and cut straight to the chase. You don’t want to be who you were before. You just want the success and fulfillment you were happening upon a few years ago. You want to be ME!
But it is not that simple, and you know it. Karma is a bitch and she’s put her mark all over you. You have to integrate who you were with who you are in order to ever become ME.
The best thing I can tell you is to be happy you get to be you, be happy you’ve had a chance to be other you’s in the past, and know that all the you’s in existence sum up to my existence, and before you know it you’ll see how all the facets of you connect and you’ll appreciate the many experiences and circumstances you’ve had the opportunity to learn from in order to get to the full and balanced life you really want.
Obviously someone who could write a letter this shnazzy is worth being in the future, so get on it!