Eating Brains With My Forked Tongue

Dear Har-old,

American author John Green said,

I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.

Why is it the older people get, the more susceptible they are to God?

I’m 46 and still my religion-rejecting-self. Because of this, my friends and I don’t hang out as much as we use to. Why? Because they’ve started going to church more, you know, trying to get right with God. It’s not like they don’t invite me to come along, they do, it’s just that I don’t know how to properly turn down the invite …until now.

Friend: Har+new, we should hang out more, come to church with us.

Me: …

Friend: You’re not getting any younger, don’t you want to become closer to God before you pass?

Me: …

Friend: Why aren’t you trying to get closer to God in your old-age?

Me: … Because the Devil doesn’t control my mind.

The older people get, the closer they want their relationship with God to be-the same people whose relationship with him was non-existent in their 20’s. Why? Because being old is associated with dying soon. And this is where the fear of the afterlife happens. People have the wrong conception of Mr. Devil and his place of abode. Har-old, do you remember this conversation as a kid:

Some Person: You’re going to hell!

You: I’m just gone kill myself if I do.

Some Person: You can’t.

You: Why not?

Some Person: Because The Devil just gone keep bringing you back to life so he can continue to torture your soul.

Mr. Devil is NOT kind enough to leave you alone while you are living and merely just tortures your soul after death. No, no, no. HELL IS ON EARTH. You say to yourself:

How is that so? I don’t see a beast with a forked tongue and a spiked tale.

That’s because, Mr. Devil is not handicapped with a physical appearance like us humans. He is a force best described as energy. Negative energy. And when you are energy, you can go WHEREVER you like. So, Har-old, if you were energy, would you STAY in one place – a place that is underground? No, you wouldn’t! You would live in the unused portion of the human brain. Asking people these two questions will let you know how much space you can occupy:

Do you believe people only use 10% of their brain?

How much of a percentage do you think you use consistently?

If they answer yes to the first question, anything under 100% to the second, then, you can live rent free in their head.

If I asked you,

Would you rather have a woman’s body or her mind?

I already know you will answer body because you are still thinking with your below-the-belt head in your hand. When the day comes you answer mind, then that’s when I will know, you have your hand on the top of your above-the-belt head.

There is no physical heaven in the sky or hell in the ground. Well, where do we go after death?  You become lost in your own mind. Now, this could be a good thing, or this could be a bad thing. That’s why it is of the utmost importance you take control of your mind and keep possession of it.

Mr. God controls the body; Mr. Devil, the mind. Based on this, it’s best to emulate the latter than criticize him.

In a future letter, I will tell you what leaves you vulnerable to telepathy and how you can protect yourself from this invasive mind-reading.



P.S. Like the painting? That’s of my doing. Now law for my future letters. I’m also about to update all my past letters with my own visuals.

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6 thoughts on “Eating Brains With My Forked Tongue”

  1. The real question, is how does one avoid heaven.
    Judging by the kinds of people headed there I’m
    scared to death of who I might spend eternity with.
    I wonder if I could section off my soul and distribute
    it amoung the trees and animals, because they
    deserve a soul more then I do – also – Doesen’t
    god have better things to do then attend church?


  2. Emulating the devil? Now there’s a first! You make a good argument though; giving him credit for his ability to control people’s minds, too. I’m not entirely convinced about Mr God controlling the body …


  3. I thought people took up gardening when they got older. It’s kind of getting closer to their future abode of 6ft under. So, the phrase the devil made me do it isn’t an excuse after all?


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