This Blog Sucks! It Doesn’t Have Any Sex In It!

And funny things, too. She’s got one up there that says, “Slippery When Wet.”

Dear Har-old,

Us three weeks ago:

Har+new: You know what’s wrong with this blog?!

Har-old: *too scared to answer*

Har+new: It sucks! It doesn’t have any sex in it!

Scene from Demolition Man:

Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex?

John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now?

Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm.

John Spartan: Oh yeah!

[after futuristic, contact-free “sex”]

John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don’t we just do it the old-fashioned way?

Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean … *fluid transfer*?

Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creäture John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!

Har-old, here’s an excerpt of the first conversation my now wife and I had when we first met and the topic of discussion was sex:

Her: You wanna know why the traditional woman makes a man wait for sex?

Me: Why?

Her: Because she knows the typical man will lose interest in her afterwards. And everything before sex is nothing but hyping, promoting, marketing, advertising all her non-physical qualities. Her personality, her sense of humor, her intellect, her dreams and aspirations, her creativity, her ideas of fun, her imagination, you name it. And when she’s confident in those things then she haves sex and depending on how the guy acts afterward she knows how good of a job she did with her advertising. Most men rather have sex for the first time with a different woman than have sex the second time with the same woman.

Me: I hope I like and love you SO much one day that I never want to have physical sex with you!

Her: Haha! But, I do want to have kids one day, don’t you?

Me: Yeah, but, let’s make our first child a brainchild.

So, began, a sex life built on the foundation of two quotes: Andy Warhol’s “Never doing it is very exciting.” And  strippers’ “look but don’t touch” rule. What made this foundation solid was your persistence with your mind over matter (brains over beauty) philosophy when it came to the f gender. Do not stop thinking like that! Remember: The power of physicality is its potential to ruin everything. Now I’m not telling you to find the world’s smartest girl, however, the world’s ugliest girl, because physical features is the initial attraction … unless you’re online. By the way, wife is hot!

Har-old, you are NOT a John Spartan! There is no male presently living in your time who’s better prepared for futuristic, contact-free sex than you. You have po-ten-tial to master something at your age that man unconsciously puts to use in his 40’s. Notice I used po-ten-tial for you and unconsciously for them because you are fully aware of this great power. But being aware of it isn’t good enough. You must apply, constantly. Fortunate for you, you got me, to help you cheat. Read between the lines of Masturbating With Imagination, letters on patience, read The Art Of Sex Transmutation chapter, and sharpen your Eidetic memory. Most importantly, work on your child-like imagination because the future is ruled by it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because your apartment is putting you in danger!

How?

Stay tuned!

FY,

Har+new

P.S. I found my voice … again. About to sex this blog up.

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