*This is the third sitcom from my third comedy book I wrote for my I’m With Jimmy Ni (play on Gemini) t.v show. I’m sharing this one ahead of the first two because this is when I found my funny and when I started thinking about how my future family would be. This, as well as other sitcoms I wrote in 2005 through 2007 are heavily influenced by New York rappers, The Wayans Bros, The Jamie Foxx Show, Martin, My Wife & Kids, Flava Of Love. This is the original raw script from 2006. Until now, I am the only person to have read this. I shared it with a girl I was talking to during that time via phone, however, she never got a chance to hear the whole story because she was laughing so hard (Scene 3) when I verbally performed it, her mother made her get off the phone. Her mother said and I quote, “Laughing wasn’t ladylike.” And, we never got around to finishing it. Actually, I didn’t want to finish it because I felt like I got what I wanted, which was a laugh, and I thought the rest of the story couldn’t top a laugh that made her moms mad. The only edits made are punctuational.*
Reality TV: November 11, 2006
Summer – Harold, wake up, wake up!
Harold – Huh, what, what, what?
Summer – We’ve been robbed!
Harold – Robbed?! who?! You and the kids???
Summer – No, the house! Somebody broke in and you slept right through it.
Harold – For real, omigod! What they take?!
Summer – Me and the kids looked around the whole house and all they took was the t.v’s.
Harold – Aww, we ain’t been robbed.
Lil’ Harold – Well, where our t.v’s at?
Harold – I took all the t.v.’s outta the house and sold ’em to some people. *laugh track*
Summer – Nigga you sold all 7 t.v.’s that was in this house, Harold if you got fired from yo’ job, you coulda just told me, my money is yo’ money baby.
Harold – Nah I didn’t get fired, I sold all our t.v.’s b-cuz it was ruining our family life. Lil’ Harold plays his video game all day, Lyric watches BET videos all day, and baby you watch LifeTime all muthafuckin’ day. And then y’all complain that I never be home. It’s cuz when I be home it’s boring as hell cuz y’all glued to the tube. Then when I ask y’all to go somewhere wit me, y’all like, “Nah my favorite show is about to come on.”
Lil’ Harold – But dad this is gonna hurt me more than mom and Lyric cuz I’m a homebody.
Harold – Well son, now we’re all are about to become homebodies.
Lyric – Oh hell nah! Now that’s gonna hurt me more than mom and Lil’ Harold cuz I like to go out. *laugh track*
Harold – But when you’re here, all you do is watch t.v.
Lyric – Man whatever! And speaking of t.v. I’m finna go over my friend’s house so I can see the world première of Ciara’s new video. *laugh track*
Lil’ Harold – Yeah and I’m finna go over one of my friend’s house to play Madden.
Summer – Yeah and I’m finna go to Wal-Mart to buy a new t.v.
Harold – Freeze! Nobody move! I wouldn’t have sold our t.v.’s if nobody wasn’t gone be home. Starting now, all of us are on house arrest. Our house gone become a reality show. As much as I hate t.v. , I need to thank it for inspiring me. The reason why reality shows are so interesting is b-cuz there are NO t.v.’s in the house. Look at Flavor Of Love, for example!
Lyric – I wish I could. *laugh track*
Harold – I mean, things are finna become really entertaining around this house. Watch!
Lil’ Harold – You know, dad’s right b-cuz t.v. is kinda making me blind.
Lyric – Nah that ain’t t.v. making you blind, that come from jacking off. *laugh track*
Summer – No, no stop that fighting!
Harold – See, things are already becoming like Jerry Springer around here. *laugh track*
Summer – Baby, I hope you know what you’re doing.
Harold – Hahahaha
*Theme music plays*
Wait … I almost forgot! I use to do my own commercials too. I wrote my commercials the way I saw them, that being not knowing what the commercial was about until the very end. Dave Chappelle talked about this in a standup once. He said he saw this battered woman come on the screen, who was obviously a victim of domestic violence. She went on and on about how her boyfriend use to beat and torture her then a voice comes on and says, “Got Milk!” *laugh track* Anyway, that was my concept too!
Written December 9, 2006:
Son – Mother can you teach me how to wash clothes?
Mother – If you was my daughter, I would say yes, but since you’re my son, that questions sounds funny. Are you beginning to have wet dreams?
Son – Honestly, yeah. I just started having wet dreams and I wanna wash my own clothes and sheets.
Mother – Well son, I can’t stop you from having wet dreams but I can prevent the stains from getting on your clothes and sheets.
Son – Wow! The World’s Most Trusted Condom! *sings* Trojan Man!