How To Gradually Live Without Your Phone In 5 Simple Steps

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Steak, Egg, and Cheese with Seasoned Fries

Dear Har-old,

Remember that quandary you found yourself in late February where you was gone be without a cellphone until you got “William H. Macy” back? Which, by the way, was gone take over a week. That was an opportunity. An opportunity to take a much needed vacation from your distracting cellphone. Something you didn’t get until you was, what, 20? Yet, it’s become your sixth finger like it’s been with you since twelve. *sigh* It’s the year 2040 and I don’t own a damn cellphone. I know what you thinking … “How did the Android get its Humanity back? I did it in 5 simple steps.

Turn your phone off an hour before bed

Har+new : Why are you sleeping with your phone?
Har-old : I use it for …
Har+new : Why, when you have an ACTUAL alarm clock?
Har-old : Yeah, but …
Har+new : Is it because you don’t wanna disrupt that comfortable sleeping position it took 5 minutes of tossing and turning to find by walking your lazy ass across the room to unwrap the cord from around the alarm clock to plug it up?
Har-old : Well …
Har+new : Or is it ’cause your phone have better alarm sounds than Ant! Ant! Ant! ?
Har-old : Wait …
Har+new : Shut up! You’re never going to be a part of the 6AM Club if you don’t turn off your phone an hour before bed. DO IT!

Stop being cellphone crazy

Har-old : Hey, you wanna have a debate?
Har+new : Ooooh about Malaysia Jet theories?
Har-old : Who cares about that? I mean, like which one you think is better … Android or iPhone?
Har+new : How about I have detectives debating about your mysterious disappearance? Giggity!

Next scene …

Har+new : Why are you holding your phone like that?
Har-old : I’m taking a picture of you.
Har+new : *smacks phone out hand* Buy a damn camera!

Next scene …

Har+new : Gee! I hope I didn’t give you low self esteem. Why are you looking down like that?
Har-old : Oh no! I’m texting!
Har+new : *smacks phone out hand* Write them a damn letter.

Next scene …

Har+new : So you so mad at me you gone talk to your phone now?
Har-old : No, I’m Facetiming.
Har+new : *raises hand*
Har-old : *flinches*
Har+new : *thinks to self* Witnesses!

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Bucket of cookies and cream

Never Answer The Phone

Har+new : Remember those 2 times you purposely didn’t pick up when grandma called?
Har-old : Yeah.
Har+new : What she do?
Har-old : Come over to check that I was alright.
Har+new : Explode dynamite!
Har-old : But what if its important?
Har+new : Call ’em back. But you never answer their call.
Har-old : Tyler Durden!

Meet people in person

Har+new : Which leads to number 4. Let all important contacts know you’re trying to live without your phone. Force face to face encounters. I know you’re gonna hate this suggestion but have a kinda open door policy at home. Let important contacts know your address or at least a place you typically be so they don’t worry. As of now, no wife, no kids, so you gone be fine.

Leave your phone at home when you go out

Har+new: Remember that Technicolor job?
Har-old: I hated it!
Har+new: It did suck and I’m glad you quit but I wish you would’ve stayed a little bit longer than 3 days. Because you didn’t have a car to keep your phone in, you had to leave it at home. Let’s say you stayed for at least a month. I honestly believe that would have inadvertently got you used to leaving your phone at home and maybe even deliberately to experience symptoms of FOMO.
Har-old: FOMO?
Har+new: Fear Of Missing Out. Like, how you go workout without your phone and come back to check for emails or missed calls rather than jump in the shower first. The only thing you’re missing out on is the timely completion of your goals by letting meaningless BS distract you!
Har-old: You’re right!
Har+new: And tell these girls if they want to take you out on a date to leave their phones at home or otherwise you’ll just sound like their dad.
Har-old: Haha. I do, huh.

Bonus: Don’t Have Nothing To Hide On Your Phone

Har+new : Let me see your phone.
Har-old : Huh?
Har+new : Let me see your phone.
Har-old : What’s wrong with yours?
Har+new : *the look*
Har-old : Alright, hold on. *clear Google searches* *delete texts* *deletes call log* *deletes emails* *deletes voicemails* *deletes pictures* Alright, here ya go.
Har+new : Sure ya done? Dude, I’m not your girlfriend. But if I was I wouldn’t be too happy about this piccccc.
Har-old : I couldn’t delete that one.
Har+new : I see why! *tilts head* Hmmhmm. Nice! Very nice!

FY,

Har+new

P.S. Don’t ask girls for their numbers. I want you to spend this whole year having “me time.” Nobody gets a chance to get to know you. Dedicate yourself to your self-improvement and future. Girls are a waste of time. The only person worth getting to know is YOU. You tried with others and failed. Now let me see you succeed with being a self-genius.

P.P.S. The keyword here is gradually. I know it won’t happen overnight.

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4 thoughts on “How To Gradually Live Without Your Phone In 5 Simple Steps”

  1. Haha this had me crackin up! Nice steps! I am just now getting used to doing things without the phone at times. I had serious FOMO over the years but now I don’t care about what my friends have to say as much as I used to hahaha. I respond when I could.

    Oh I love the Bonus! I seriously chuckled. That sounds so familiar 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re really digging in the archives lol. I wrote this post when I had an Android. Now that I have this iPhone it’s definitely a challenge to live without it. In the beginning I had motivation to leave home without my iPhone because I didn’t have a case and I was scared I was gone mess it up.

      Good thing the iPhone has a Do Not Disturb mode. Unfortunately, you still have to exercise some self control in not checking it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol I just clicked on stuff 😛 Ohh I see. I have an Android! Yuck iphone lol….Yeah phones without cases are prone to falls haha. That is good, my phone has it too but I never use it lol

        Liked by 1 person

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