Company Bans App To Cut Down On Employees Taking Extra Breaks

imageMEMPHIS, TN—32 Williams-Sonoma employees were fired this past Friday for refusing to uninstall a popular nature app from their phone.

When instructed by security to go through what they perceived to be the metal detectors of old WITH their phone, workers were certain they was gone hear beeps, however, when it went off for only 53 out of 109 people, everyone was scratching their heads. Management informed the confounded shift that what they actually walked through was an app detector – a metal detector for phones that goes off when a certain app is installed. Which in this case was Akatu Take A Extra Break. In 2012, Akatu made headlines when they released Akatu Fake Shower, an app that simulated sounds of running faucet or shower water to mask “taking your kids to the pool.” Conversely, they released the former app in October 2013 to “unmask your kids cannon balling in the water.” According to Vinicius Porto, CEO of PorQueNao?, the firm responsible for bringing both Akatu apps to market, “We’ve received several reviews on our Fake Shower app with people saying while they thank us for making them feel more comfortable using public restrooms, there are those ‘special’ moments they want to impress upon people their stomach is hurting. Like their boss! So, instead of calling in sick and fake coughing, with Take A Extra Break you can actually give them proof with auditory and olfactory.” Concerning the former, the app comes with pre-recorded grunts expressing effort. In a blog post, Akatu said in the next update to the app they will give consumers the ability to use their own toiletry sounds. In reference to the latter, Akatu ships out a can of spray to app downloaders of 30 days. The spray is “artificial” anus gas and defecation they dubbed, “Air MESSenger.”

Williams-Sonoma doesn’t like the message Akatu is sending their employees.

When lead manager, Rose Gold, went to the lavatory at 3:30PM Central time on Thursday, it was teeming with running shoes underneath stall doors. She walked a couple of feet to their other ladies’ room, and same thing. With only 2 restrooms in the 17,400 square feet warehouse she was forced to wait. After 20 minutes had passed, she became impatient and curiously asked the ladies behind the doors outloud, “What’s going on in there?” Mrs. Gold said she would have said something at the 10 minute mark but gave them more time out of sympathy because it sounded like their stomachs was hurting. Mrs. Gold said she had to step outside the restroom until they finished because the “funny smells” started to make her belly ache too, and that’s when she became hip to what was truly going on. “When one of the girls came out, who I knew was on the toilet because she had on these loud pink boots with this gold jewelry wrapped around them, asked me did I need to use her phone. I said, why would I? She said, ‘To use this shitty app.’ I asked, what it do? She showed me how it works and subsequently fired her damn self for being so stupid. She must didn’t know I was a manager ’cause my name Rose Gold. She had to be new! I went back in both them restrooms and fired everybody from door number 1 to door number 16.” Witnesses say Mrs. Gold was so angry (partly due to a REAL brown stain on the buttocks of her khakis for waiting so long) she even stormed in the men’s restroom handing out pink slips.

Williams-Sonoma acknowledges the popularity of the nature app within the company stems from the unpopular decision to combine employees last 15 minute break with their lunch, thus making them work 5 hours straight. “I like that my lunch 45 minutes but I regret that Taco Bell soon as my feet start hurting,” said an anonymous worker who stands in the same spot for 10 straight hours. To prevent employees from taking unsanction breaks around 3, Williams-Sonoma announced Friday that they will be going back to the 15-30-15 minute format. Furthermore, to enforce their “no cellphones in bathroom” policy they have gave their 5 person janitor service 2 weeks paid vacation and put metal magnets underneath the bathroom floors.

Williams-Sonoma is investigating how long the app has been in use by looking at their on-floor cameras dating back to the day after the unpopular decision was made to the day before the mass firing to see how many associates left their station at 3PM, the time the last 15 minute break would have been.

Built on top of:
•True events

What do you think of them making lunch longer at the expense of not getting your last 15 minute break?

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24 thoughts on “Company Bans App To Cut Down On Employees Taking Extra Breaks”

    1. Always! If not here, I got notebooks (music, poetry, comedy) In the 3 years I have been blogging I have never went more than a month without at least one post. I don’t post everyday but I’m still consistent. You can be sure to see a fresh post a week or 4 a month.

      I hope life after college has been treating you well.

      Like

      1. I wish I had the same standards, but you know I’ve disappeared for more than a month, haha! And yea, actually, it’s not so bad. Working, eating, sleeping, eh..
        Finding time to do my music stuff again, it’s great!

        I’ll be sure to look out for your posts, buddy!

        Like

        1. I last remember you graduating and moving back home. I remember your major having something to do with music or sports. You told me about some job you thought was a scam lol. I definitely gotta catch back up with you. Keep updating that blog and you got a loyal supporter 🙂

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  1. I thought I had answered the question too lol personally it doesn’t matter to me wether I take my 15 or not. I’ll take my half, or my hour when I get it. But the last 15 minute break doesn’t necessarily matter cause it is short. Might as well just skip it and work.

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    1. You spelled “wether” wrong! It has another H in it. Correct way is wHether. I can edit it for you (as I have that type of power on this here blog) so your friends don’t have a heart attack over their precious bestie misspelling a word. Also, the start of your sentence is too verbose. Better to say, I thought I answered … omitting “had.” You’re oh so welcome!

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        1. As I was catching up on old writing, I read this and the comments. I know it’s been 7 months but I want to apologize to you. Reading your “why are you being mean to me?” comment and looking at sad emoji face on another comment got to me. I admit I was mean to you because of what happened when we logged out of WordPress (you know). For me, that killed any friendliness going forth. I understand you only commenting on this post because I linked to one of your old comics. But I still want to apologize. I just took the grammar criticism (I do write on first take a lot instead of sitting with rough drafts) and used it to cover up the fact I was still mad at you about that other stuff.

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        2. I linked this story to your comic because the name of the app is the title of your drawing, Take A Break, so it was appropriate.

          Yes, I don’t mind and would definitely like to rekindle our friendship. You are one of my long-standing relationships founded on WordPress.

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Looking at how long it took you to reply to my original comment and the last time you posted on your blog I guarantee it will be at least 6 months before we interact again. The only I heard from you yesterday is because you was logged in to write that article I just “liked.”

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    2. Sorry to nitpick, but one more thing: Inserting “lol” throws off the flow of the words. Should I read it and laugh outloud in the middle of the sentence? If so, I should read your comment when alone because I am in public. Between me and you, I have a weird laugh. It sounds like I’m moaning. I don’t want people thinking I’m having sex over here. But were you really laughing as you typed or is that to make light of your forgetfulness of not answering the question in your first comment? Sorry for making you read this long comment 1,228 times I’m confident is riddled with POOR grammar issues. Cheerio!

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  2. I don’t think they should have been fired on the spot, yet I don’t know how long they have been using that app. Also, this post had a lot of grammar issues, and had me re-reading things. I had never heard of this app before but it should probably be used with caution, not every single day. I always tell my manager if I need to leave early (only happened twice) or why I came late (only happened once). That’s the right way to go about it, or find someone to cover your shift !!

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    1. Well get the fuck off my blog and go read a post with RICH grammar issues. Who are you? No one … to me. I don’t write to impress you with my words. I love this post! Now go play English teacher somewhere else!

      Like

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