He Has A Name: Not “Lil’ Red”

Based on actual events

Challis – Call in for pickup.
Yums – Go ahead with your order.
Challis – I want the Steak, Egg, and Cheese footlong. 12 inch. I only want …
Yums – Now do you want the combo?
Challis – Let me finish saying what I want on my sandwich. I want lettuce, mayo, and pickle on it.
Yums – Do you want the combo?
Challis – I want a large seasoned fry.
Yums – Do you want the combo? I need to know if it’s the combo so I know what button to push.
Challis – I never said I wanted the combo. I don’t want a drink.
Yums – Ok. Well, what’s your order?
Challis – What?! I JUST TOLD YOU MY ORDER!
Yums – What was your order?
Challis – I told you a footlong Steak, Egg, Cheese. Lettuce, mayo …
Yums – You want the combo?
Challis – *hangs up phone* Grrr! I’ll just go in.

*Challis walks to Yum’s, which is 3 minutes from his house. Next to Yum’s is a corner store, where out-front stands a dark-skinned guy who appears to be in his late teens or early 20’s. Challis crosses his path*

Dark-skinned guy – *sees target 15 feet away* Aye Lil’ Red.
Challis – *looks left, right, and behind to see are any girls around him*
Dark-skinned guy – Lil’ Red. Aye Lil’ Red.
Challis – *thinks to self* I JUST KNOW THIS FOOL NOT TALKING TO ME. *comes face to face as approaching Yums*
Dark-skinned guy – Aye Lil’ Red. You mind helping me and my brother get something to eat?
Challis – *thinks to self* THIS GAY ASS *expletive* CALLING ME BY MY SKIN-TONE LIKE HE HOLLERING AT A FEMALE. THIS WHAT GIRLS GO THROUGH???
Dark-skinned guy – *sees he’s being ignored and pesters the next person approaching the store* Aye New Jordans …

*Challis walks into Yum’s*

Yums – How may I help you?
Challis – *recognizes the voice from the phone* I want the …

15 minutes later …

*During the time Challis is waiting, via Yum’s big windows, he keeps his eye on the dark-skinned guy in front of the convenience store*

Yums – Your order is ready.
Challis – *thinks to self* About time! If you would have heard me over the phone, I would be in here 30 seconds.
Yums – *smiles* Goodbye.
Challis – *approaches the door and stands there* Let me check my food. *opens lid containing fries* Ok. *unwraps sandwich* WHAT THE FUCK?!
Yums – What’s wrong?
Challis – YOU SEE THIS?!?! GREEN FUCKING MOLD ON MY BREAD!!!!!

*2 customers walk in, overhear “green mold on bread” and turn back around to leave*

Challis – WHAT IF I WAS ONE OF THESE POOR DUPES WHO DON’T CHECK THEIR FOOD UNTIL THEY GET HOME??? HUH??? I LIVE A DAMN HOUR AWAY FROM HERE. I WOULD’VE BEEN PISSED OFF. YOU KNOW WHAT, I BELIEVE YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE. YOU SCREWED WITH ME OVER THE PHONE AND HAD ME COMING IN HERE WAITING FOREVER … TO GET THIS!!!
Yums – Calm down, sir. We will fix you another one free of charge. Here’s your $8.73 back for the sandwich.

10 minutes later …

Yums – Ok. Here’s your sandwich, sir. Again, sorry for that. Please check the sandwich to insure its quality.
Challis – *unwraps sandwich* Hmm.
Yums – Is everything to your satisfaction?
Challis – *ignores and exits* *thinks to self* Although, I got my money back and got a FREE CLEAN sandwich for my troubles, I STILL don’t want it. I’m too pissed to eat. They always do this. Why do I eat here? And now I gotta cross paths with this gay ass *expletive* again. Wait … *checks jacket pocket and pulls out packet of Ricin* This! *unwraps sandwich packaging and sprinkles Ricin on it* *heads back toward corner store*
Dark-skinned guy – Aye Lil’ Red can you …
Challis – I heard you the first time. You want some money to help you and your brother get something to eat, right?
Dark-skinned guy – Yeah.
Challis – Well I don’t have no money on me but I do have this nice delicious Steak, Egg, and Cheese footlong and large seasoned fries. Why don’t y’all share it?
Dark-skinned guy – Ohhhh thanks so much, Lil’ Red.
Challis – *fake smiling* Oh and don’t worry about how it’s wrapped. I had to unwrap it to make sure my order was right. You know how we black people feel about Chinese food.
Dark-skinned guy – Haha. What are you going to eat?
Challis – Some homecooking!

4 days later …

Challis – Look, I know you watching the game right now, but the news is about to come on. I just need to watch the first 10 minutes of it.
Lil’ brother – Again? You never use to watch the news. You been coming in here the last 4 days doing this. What’s with you? You getting old.
Challis – Shut up and give me the remote. *changes channel*
News reporter – BREAKING NEWS TONIGHT: 2 men are dead from Ricin posioning after eating at Yum’s restaurant. Police has brought the whole Yum’s staff in for questioning.
Lil’ brother – Why you smiling?
Challis – Oh … nothing! Hey, what do you say big brother take you somewhere fun today?
Lil’ brother – Really??? Oh man! Ooooh. Let’s go to … oooh nah let’s go to …

FADE TO BLACK

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