The Dictionary Kid

FADE IN

INT. GEORGE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

GEORGE

(excitedly)

Damn! The Apparently Kid got 21 million views: 15 from his interview; 3 from the FreshPet commercial; few millions with Ellen. The Exasperating Kid views not too shabby either. These kids had to make hundreds of thousands of dollars from YouTube. Hmmm …

EXT. DIANE’S HOUSE – MORNING

George rings doorbell. Diane opens door.

GEORGE

Diane …

DIANE

(gasps)

George …

Diane folds her arms and changes her facial expression of shock into disgust.

DIANE

So it took Taco Bell 5 years to fix your Burrito with Flaming Hot Fritos?

GEORGE

You know they don’t even sell those no more? Pshh.

DIANE

5 years!

GEORGE

Well it isn’t exactly fast food, you know.

DIANE

Are you … are you trying to make light of this situation? I’m talking about 5 years since I gave birth to your son!

GEORGE

Sweetie, I know. And, I’m sorry. Very, very, sorry. I was scared of being a dad. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I needed to make sense of this.

DIANE

And it took you 5 years to do that, George? You missed his first birthday. You missed seeing him take his first steps. You missed his first day of school. You missed everything!

GEORGE

Unless he’s in there dying right now, no, I haven’t. It’s only been the first 5 years of his life. And I’m standing right here and now to tell you … I want to be there for the rest of his life … and yours!

 DIANE

(speaks with tremble)

George …

GEORGE

Tells me it’s not tough raising a child on your own and I will leave right now.

George turns around and takes a step, giving the impression he’s walking away.

DIANE

George … I need you!

INT. DIANE’S HOUSE – MORNING

George looks around the house and sees a book shelf. He scans the material.

DIANE

Oh, you looking for the family album? It’s right here.

GEORGE

No, I’m looking for the dictionary. Here it is. Hmmm.

George puts index finger in middle of dictionary.

GEORGE

Whatever page it lands on is the word of the day. F’s. F-U-F-U-F-U-Fustigate! Means to … ahh who cares! Where’s my boy?

DIANE

In his room, but George I need to tell you something about our son first.

GEORGE

(talks as he’s leaving room where Diane is, in search for son’s room)

Not now woman! Me and my son got some catching up to do.

CUT SCENE

A montage shows George and Little George spending father and son time together at various events. Music plays. The only dialogue heard is when George uses “fustigate” in the wrong way in a sentence, with comical effect.

INT. DIANE’S HOUSE – EVENING

NEXT DAY …

George takes out camera.

GEORGE

Little Georgie Boy. Guess what? Daddy’s pregnant! *says in a whisper* Nah, I don’t want use that one. *back to normal volume* Little Georgie, did you know when you deleted Grandpa’s picture you killed him? He’s gone bye bye. Aww!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Little George, did you know your brother from another mother will one day … grow up?

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Okayyyy. Little George, I ate all your Halloween candy!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Umm … BIRDS ARE DINOSAURS!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

I’m about to poke your heart!

LITTLE GEORGE

GEORGE

Shit, it’s passed the one minute mark. Dammit, now I can’t go viral. Dammit, Little George! I’ve been saying Fustigate for 24 hours and you still haven’t caught on? The hell is wrong with you?!

George grabs the dictionary and beats son upside the head with it. Diane hears Little George crying and runs to his aid.

DIANE

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

GEORGE

Whooping our son! He got a F in spelling.

DIANE

What?! What are you talking about???

GEORGE

I been saying the word “Fustigate” in sentences with him since I met him. I did it at the wrestling match. The basketball game. The fair. I even whispered it in his ear for an hour last night while he slept. What the hell is wrong with him? Is he an idiot?

DIANE

No, he’s deaf.

There’s awkward silence for about 10 seconds.

GEORGE

Did you know Taco Bell got a new burrito with Fritos? But it’s the plain ones, though. Oh, it’s still good. Trust me. And can you believe the price is one freaking dollar? OH MY GOD! They did it again! Woo, all this talk about food done got me hungry. I’m going to Taco Bell to go get  about 10 of them thangs. Y’all want something back?

FADE OUT

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