“What Did Big Girl Put In Snickers Home How Old Is Tupac Dead Guy”

 

 

FADE IN

INT. TAX OFFICE – NIGHT

Flatulence. Tax Man quietly reads the ingredients on the back of a Babe Ruth. As he unwraps the candy, it falls between his thighs, in the toilet. He jumps up. 

TAX MAN

Oh shit! Which one is which? 5 second rule, 5 second rule, 5 second rule. 4, 3, 2, THIS ONE! Yup, yup, roasted pea-

Tax Man hears knocking on the store’s door. He investigates.

CUSTOMER

Y’all closed? 

TAX MAN

No sir! We open. Just had the door locked while I was in the back.

CUSTOMER

[pulls handle] You gonnnneee … open it?

TAX MAN

[looks at watch. It’s 8PM. He notices the customer doesn’t have papers in his hand. He looks back at the customer’s car and sees a woman in the driver seat. She smiles. He smiles back.] Yeah, I’m gone open it. What is wrong with me? So how can I help you today?

CUSTOMER

I was wondering could y’all print off my 2013 W2.

TAX MAN

I’m new, and not sure. Let me make a call to my supervisor. Hold on!

SUPERVISOR

Hello.

TAX MAN

Yeah, I got a customer who wants to print off his 2013 W2. Is that in my abilities?

SUPERVISOR

I could walk you through it over the phone, but it’s gone take over 20 minutes. It’s best he goes to another location. Ask him does he live in the area.

TAX MAN

Sir, do you stay around the neighborhood?

CUSTOMER

Yeah.

TAX MAN

Yeah.

The SUPERVISOR gives the TAX MAN directions to a nearby store. Like something whispered into the thousandth ear, the TAX MAN says the directions wrong, which prompts the SUPERVISOR to say … 

SUPERVISOR

May I talk to him?

TAX MAN

Uhhh … yeah.

When TAX MAN hands CUSTOMER his phone, he turns around and walks towards the door, as if leaving. 

TAX MAN

*thinking* The hell?!?!

TAX MAN walks ahead CUSTOMER and stands to the side of the entrance in an inconspicuous fighting stance. CUSTOMER stops and talks to the SUPERVISOR. As he is getting the directions, he constantly smiles and says, “Yes mam.”  Anticipating the end of their conversation, the TAX MAN continuously raises his hand to get his phone back. 

CUSTOMER

Okay, thank you.

CUSTOMER hands TAX MAN his phone and walks out. TAX MAN immediately locks door. After the TAX MAN watches the car pull out the parking lot, he presses and holds the home button on his phone. 

TAX MAN

Siri, why didn’t you tell me to put it on speakerphone? I almost had to punch that guy!

SIRI

Okay! Here’s what I found on the web for ‘What did big girl put in Snickers home how old is Tupac dead guy.’

FADE TO BLACK

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