Buzz buzz Cha cha

Reading Guide:

  • Paragraph breaks in-between dialogue indicates time-lapse (only 2)

  • Each character has their own color dialogue (Barber=red; Wife=pink; Alexa=black; Husband=blue; Amazon=orange)

“Alexa, what’s on K97.5 right now?”
“Turning to K97.5 radio station now.”
“Did he just call the barbershop radio Alexa, and she responded in a sexy voice?”
“Sounded better than Cortana, Google Now and Siri.”
“Oh hey Mrs. Me there’s still 3 guys ahead of your husband.”
“I just wanted to see how your radio looks before I go. The divider between the barber chairs and the lobby was blocking it.”
“You see that fast walking woman right there?
That’s our owner. She decorated the place; she doesn’t want no one from the lobby on the other side of the divider unless you’re gonna be the customer in the chair.”
“Well she did a good job at decorating because I’ve waited 6 times with my fiancé and I haven’t met his barber once. I at least wanna thank him for making my baby look good.”
“Well it’s not me you wanna thank and I don’t think you wanna thank his Barbara either.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing. But you said y’all are about to go?”
“I am. I have an appointment. But my husband is not going anywhere.”
“It’s this black cylinder right here. You can get it from Sears. Called the Amazon Echo.”
“Who is Alexa?”
“It’s the voice assistant on it.”
“Thanks. It was a first for me so I’m slightly amazed at the moment.”

“Honey, I’m home.”
“Baby, look what I got?”
“An energy drink?”
“No, silly. After my appointment I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and bought one of those radios the barbershop had.”
“You went to Bed Bath & Beyond for a radio?”
“No, I just saw the radio on my way to get this.”
“A mattress protector?”
“Yeah, it says it’s 100% waterproof and I wanna test that guarantee out by squirting some Aquafina on it. “
“You know I’m impotent.”
“That can’t stop you from pleasuring me. Buzz buzz.”

“You reached Amazon customer service. This is Jeff speaking. How may I help you?”
“Yeah I bought the Amazon Echo 3 weeks ago and the voice search isn’t working properly. It’s not understanding me clearly and not remembering things I have said in the past.”
“Are you calling from the number associated with your account?”
“Yes.”
“That’s an Android right?”
“It is.”
“Okay, let me pull up your account real quick. Okayyyyy I see what the problem is … you have deleted the voice interactions daily.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“That’s what it’s showing me here.”
“Well I haven’t.”
“Does anyone else in the home use the Echo?”
“There’s only me and my husband in the household. Why would he delete it?”
“Probably privacy concerns. He probably thinks the Echo is always listening to detect if a user utters the “wake” word, which it doesn’t. Only a fraction of a second of audio is recorded and streamed to the cloud before the “wake” word and closes once your question or request has been processed. However, we do record all non-verbal indications that can identify who is present in the home and who is not.”
“Who is not?”
Yeah.”
“Umm … I want to hear what was recorded on December 8th at 4:15PM please.”
“Sure. I will send you all these recording in the email associated with your account or you can log into your account and download them.”
“No, umm, could you stay on the phone with me and listen to them with me.”
“Umm.”
“Please.”
“Okay, let me fast forward the audio to 4:15PM on December 8, 2015. Is that right?”
“Yes, thank you!”
“Hold on, okay, here we go!”
“What is that?”
“Sounds like vibration. Is that what you were looking for?”
“Well the barbershop was closed on the 8th and my fiancé really wanted to get his haircut that day. I guess he scheduled an in- home appointment?”
“Now that you say that, it does sound like clippers.”
“You think so? You really think so?”
“Well I can’t be 100% positive because other things make vibrating noise. But it seems to match up with your expectations for that time.”
“Okay, it stopped. Was that all?”
“No, the recording is still playing.”
“Okay, what’s this noise?”
“Footstep-cadence.”
“Footstep-cadence?”
“The rate at which a person walks expressed in steps per minute. The average rate is 100-115 steps per minute. But I’m hearing nearly double that speed. Whoever this is walks pretty darn fast.”
“…”
“Hello … hello…hello. It sounds like you dropped your phone … like the screen shattered. May I interest you in the Amazon Fire Phone from AT&T? Only costs 99 cents.”

I built this story atop Ms. Me‘s line “Did he just call the barbershop radio Alexus, and she responded in a sexy voice?”

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