1% Earth

After installing the latest iOS update a prompt notified me I can now check the battery percentage of my Bluetooth devices. As I go to toggle it off because I don’t own any compatible technology, I see “Earth.” Out of curiosity I tap the name. It says 1%. Then another prompt alerts me, “You are the first person to connect to Earth and it’s up to you to save the world. You have 5 minutes to do so. Disconnecting is disabled.” Then a countdown began. I let out a huge laugh as a cue to draw out whoever nearby was screwing with me. I look left. I look right. No one came out of hiding. I look down, and my feet are not touching the ground. That’s a Coldplay lyric.

It’s Halloween, and I’m an astronaut. 

I try to land by exerting force through my lower body. I kick the air. I bend my knees. I wiggle my toes. I squat. I even fart. None of that shit is working! I think to myself to take off my spacesuit to fall, but the thought was immediately squashed as I remembered it took me 3 hours to get into it, so I know it will take me the same amount of time to get out of it.

2 minutes and 37 seconds remaining.

I’m floating in one space. I either need to go down and save the world with Will Smith, or go up where Otis Blackwell is before the Earth turn into a great ball of fire.

Life isn’t fair. I tried going down. It’s only right I try going up. I sway side to side. I throw my hands in the air and wave ‘em like I just don’t care. I repeatedly shrug my shoulders. I put my back into it. Shit, am I trying to go up or am I dancing? Shit, I should’ve never brought up that fucking song!

60 seconds left.

As I float in one spot I said to myself, ‘I was gone stop procrastinating tomorrow because it’s the 1st of the month.’ I went up. I said something else similar. ‘I was gone start on my novel tomorrow and finish it in 30 days.’ I skyrocketed. ‘I wasn’t gone wait until January. It was gone be a new year new me tomorrow.’ That sentence was a stratospheric success. It saved my life. I barely got the last syllable out. As I was ascending everything else in the air was descending. Planes, birds, buildings, that pie in the sky.

My tears couldn’t put out the fire that was burning my family and friends alive.

I will need a new planet. I will need to re-populate.

What rhymes with penis? Let’s just hope their asses look like Serena’s.


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