My dearest Cj 31, You are closer to me now than when we first met. I can see you picking up the pieces from the past three years of your life. You have seen some dark days; days I could not prepare you for. And you felt pain that cut deep to the core of your soul. I heard your screams from nine years away. And during that time you blocked me out – trapped in the darkness of your experiences. I watched you sleep-walking through your days. I watched you at nights when you twisted in your sleep – disturbed by dark memories of the past that your mind replayed. And I watched, always frustrated that I cannot tell you if nine years from now you will be just fine. So I waited. I tapped on your shoulders and you shuffled. I tapped again and you answered. I was so happy that you finally responded to me so that I could let you know that:
Life teaches us…because you will never be able to put the broken pieces together again you must clean up and move on. Remember that the cleaning up process is different every time. Don’t compare one process to the next. It keeps you stuck. Sometimes you will get out of the situation unscathed. Other times – you will feel great pain; the sharp edges of the glass will cut you deep or the splinters will penetrate your flesh and you will bleed. This is not a reason to leave the broken parts of your life untouched because it is only through cleaning up that you will learn the techniques of removing the splinters (the source of your pain). In time you will.
Cj 31, I see you picking up the pieces. I am still frustrated that I cannot disclose whether I am now proud of you. But I want you to know that I see you picking up the broken pieces. I see you.
What is happening to you? Your light is dimming. There is a faraway look in your eyes. You are compromising so much of yourself. What happens to doing your best? Do you believe that living a mediocre life is doing your best?
Look at yourself. STOP with the “buts”.
Be silent and just look at yourself. How will you ever meet me if you waste away in depression? What happens to knowing that nothing new can come into your life until you are grateful for that which you already have? What happens to knowing that sometimes you have to be at a particular place before you can get to your destination? You don’t just ARRIVE.
What is that I see? Tears. Ok. CRY. I want you to cry. I am giving you two days. Only two day to just cry. Throw yourself the pity party. Embrace the part of the story that keeps you wallowing in your own sadness like a pig wallowing in mud. After that, the tears are enough. You are just one pitiful woman expecting the world to feel sorry for you. I am giving you two days to cry because after that it is just sad. You are just sad. Look at you sitting there – crying about a problem you just recently attempted to address; wanting the problem to go away as soon as you think it.
Seriously CJ28, seriously?
Harry Potter is for Hollywood my dear. Leave magical things to the big screen. Life’s challenges will never disappear with the flick of a wand.
Answer this question, when you are driving in a downpour – can you see ahead clearly if your windshield wipers are defective? Ok, I thought so too. So why do you think that you will be able to see clearly with all the tears in your eyes. You cannot figure out the answers to the important questions because you have defective wipers in your life. Go and get them fixed.
Now CJ28, this is what I want you to do after day 2. Wipe your eyes and embrace the other side of the story. There is always a positive side to the story. I can’t tell you the answer. It is there and you will figure it out. So, just get those wipers fixed and the answer will come to you.
…and please remember, you are here today so that you can be somewhere else in the future.
You worry everyday about whether or not I achieved the goals I set for my life. Only you know and understand that some days my life was as fun as a lazy cow grazing in an empty field. Some days I was so bored with my life, I might as well eat grass. And so, you wonder if I ever escaped the endless routine of my life – investigating complaints that I do not care about or feel the need to care about. I wish I could tell you to stop worrying. I wish I could tell you that everything is great. But I can’t. You see, our destinies are inextricably woven. My fate is tied to yours. Who I am now is dependent on the choices that you make.
I cannot tell you if everything is great or if I achieved all the things you want me to achieve at this age. You will have to see that for yourself when you get a chance to meet me. Never-the-less, I can tell you one thing that I want you to stop doing.
For heaven sakes… STOP PANICKING.
I know you feel a sense of urgency. I know you feel that your life is like an untidy room. You really want it clean but you just don’t know where to start. Stop panicking. Be still and you will hear the voice. Just start cleaning. You start to clean and in no time the room is spotless.STOP PANICKING.
Do you remember that time when you were sitting in your car at the parking lot and you saw a car reversing straight into your car? All you could hear is a voice screaming in your head. STOP! YOU ARE GOING TO HIT MY CAR. STOP! LOOK AROUND DUMBO. STOP!!! Your hands sweated, your heart pounded and still, the voice in your head screaming loudly and endlessly….Then the loud crashing sound of metal crushing into metal and the jerk that silenced the screams in your head.
The answer was so simple. Just honk your horn. However, you didn’t do that. You didn’t hear the answer because you panicked. Sometimes life is like that, the answer is simple but you will never figure it out if you panic. Be still and you will hear the voice…