Category Archives: Episodes

20 Passive Aggressive Things I Will Do When My Boss Goes On His Honeymoon

Sorry for the wait. His car still in the parking lot. He talking to someone on the phone. Text and drive! Wait … he’s backing out! Dammit, he stopped. Another car drove behind him. Okay, he’s in reverse. Dammit. Some old guy walking behind the car. He needs the aid of some sort of standing wheelchair to walk so he’s slow to move. I hope I don’t be like that when I get old. This gonna be a while.

Okay, the coast is clear. He’s … he’s … not in front of the office no more. Let me run to the door and make sure he’s out of the parking lot. Traffic is bad. Fuck! Come on, man, you had that one! What … why is he reversing? Please don’t tell me he’s coming back to the office. Ohhh he’s finding another exit. Let me follow his car out the parking lot. He can’t see me behind this pole, right? I been losing weight. He found another exit, y’all. He’s … he’s outta here.

Big Bossman  won’t be back until Monday afternoon. I have a day and a half to …

  1. I will untuck my fucking shirt! No one can look at my ass now! That’s what the tennis tail is for. No one will see my penis print either! These not fucking 1980’s basketball shorts.
  2. I will take my fucking phone off vibrate. Y’all gone hear my Lana Del Rey ringtone and my Sherwood Forest text tone today muthafucka!
  3. Wear khakis on casual Friday. I ain’t wearing no fucking jeans today! I’m breaking the rules and finishing the week with these Classic Stones baby!
  4. Make the fucking temperature warm. I be freezing! Goosebumps all over my arm and shit! I try not to complain and just wear a jacket. Y’all act like I’m the IRS and trying to audit the  books how y’all got me in this cold ass room shawty!
  5. Turn off this got-damn elevator music, Bob! We got one floor so why am I hearing this shit? I wanna hear how Bankroll Fresh ran off on the plug today.
  6. Park in front of the office. Look! I know we in a suite and we only got two parking spaces. I know these spots for the customers and the employees need to park far away from the building. I know this. But have you seen some of them??? They need the exercise.
  7. Not tell anyone “good morning,” “going to lunch,” and “bye.” Y’all ain’t gotta know where I’m at, at all times. I will come. I will go. That little chime notification that goes off every time the door opens tells you everything you need to know.
  8. Eat a full-course meal at my desk instead of a snack. Fuck them ants!
  9. Not go to the restroom just to fart. Look! I don’t know if it’s the Taco Bell, but I burnt-burnt a lot, and I’m tired of getting up. I hold that shit in too long my stomach start growling. There have been studies that said smelling farts is good for your health. I bullshit you not! I can just lie to you and say my chair was squeaking but then I gotta convince you that smell is coming from the vents. Too much trouble. And no, I won’t stop eating Taco Bell. That AM Crunchwrap steak and Naked Egg Taco bundle fye fye!
  10. Watch something NSFW on company computers. Nah, not porn. That’s for amateurs. I wanna watch videos of what people do with their hands in driverless cars. Like … have sex!
  11. Not talk in my white people voice because they can still tell I’m black. Ain’t that’s why that white lady called me the N word over and over? Why you talking shit 3,000 miles away though? Oh, yeah, okay!
  12. Leave the lights on. Big Bossman, you gone mess up our chances at being part of a skyline one day.
  13. Leave 10 minutes early. I need to beat traffic and customers who like to come in last-minute. Talking about “I just got off work.” Shit, me too!
  14. Not let a non-customer use the restroom. Look! It’s bad enough I gotta deal with y’all leaving piss, shit, and period blood on the toilet seat.
  15. Talk into my desk-fan like a child with at least one customer. Thissssss calllll mayyyyyy beeeee monitoreddddd forrrrr qualityyyyyy controlllllll.
  16. Rub on my nipples when a customer says, “Let me speak with your manager.” Can you say that one more time, just the way you said it, just a little more slowly … and softer. Yes, yes, yasssssssssss bitch!
  17. Spin around in my chair and say wheeeeee.
  18. Walk around like I own the place. Nah, fuck that! Let’s go back to number 17. I don’t wanna walk nowhere. Everywhere I go in the office I’m pulling up in my chair, rolling. That’s why they got wheels, right???
  19. Flirt with pretty customers. If you look good in-person or if you sound good over the phone I’m giving you minimum 22 compliments. I’m shooting my shot like Westbrook! 3 for 22.
  20. Not do any work the last 2 hours and blame it on Comcast.

Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!

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Daily Writing Prompt: I’m From …

Person – Jenkins, what are you still doing here? Alvin is on his way out.

Jenkins- I know. I’m ready for him.

Person – What do you mean you’re ready for him? You can’t fight!

Jenkins – I know, but I’ma scare him with 4 words. He’s gonna get spooked and run in front of everybody, and I’m going to look like a legend.

Person – Are you serious? Oh my God! There he is!

Jenkins – Watch this … I’m from Brooklyn, son!

Person – He’s still approaching!

Jenkins – He probably didn’t hear me. clears throat I’M FROM BROOKLYN, SON!

Person – He’s not stopping!

Jenkins- I’m from Bed Stuyvesant and I’m the livest one. Home of B-I-G!

Person – It’s not working. Say another place!

Jenkins – I’m from Chi-raq, you know, Chicago and Iraq.

Person – He is marching over here like a soldier!

Jenkins – I’m from Kiladelphia!

Person – None of those nicknames are working!

Jenkins – I’m from Detroit, home of the bad boy pistons. Isiah Thomas and them. Oh My God I can’t think of anymore places with high crime rates.

Alvin – steps in front of Jenkins and looks left

Person – I’ll watch it on TV runs off

Jenkins – stammering Did you hear where I said I was from?

Alvin – It doesn’t matter where you’re from. It matters where you’re going.

Jenkins – Where am I going?

Alvin – To the hospital, but don’t worry, I’m going to make sure your teeth fly out your mouth and land in each of those places you just named. Home sweet home!

Daily Writing Prompt: The Milkman.

Son – Dad, where you going?

Dad – Uhh … going to get some milk. We’re all out.

Son – Can I come?

Dad – Not this time.

Son – Why? You always let me go.

Dad – Just not this time, okay. I’m going to a different store and they don’t allow kids in this late.

Son – What store is that?

Dad – Look, I gotta go, okay?

Son – But you don’t have to go. We don’t need milk. I don’t like cereal or chocolate milk anymore. So you can stay now. Here, take your jacket off and sit down.

Dad – Your mom needs the milk to put in her cornbread.

Son – Well let her go to the store and you stay. You stay here. Close the door and sit down. I wanna show you something upstairs. Let’s go!

Dad – I’ll see it when I get back.

Son – Can I go … pleassssseeeee?

Dad – … well you can’t go looking like that. Go upstairs and put your evening clothes on.

Son – Yay! runs halfway upstairs Dad, dad, can … can you come upstairs with me and help me put my clothes on?

Dad – Your mother is up there. She’ll help you.

Son – Mom … can you tie my shoes?

Mom – Where you going?

Son – With dad to go get some milk for your cornbread.

Mom – I’m not cooking cornbread.

Son – runs to bedroom window and sees dad truck leaving driveway He tricked me.

Mom – He got me too.

Son – Why daddy don’t want us no more?

Balcony Baseball

Property Manager – Hey, Mr. Pitt, what can I do for you today?

Resident – I looked at my lease papers and saw the rent breakdown. I’m paying $69 per month because of baseball?

Property Manager- Yes, your apartment has a balcony that overlooks the A’s baseball field.

Resident – So what? That’s not why I chose it. I don’t even watch baseball.

Property Manager – Well, I’m sorry, but the lease explains that anyone who moves into our apartments with a view of the action on the baseball field is required to pay our sports extra fee.

Resident – What? DirecTV doesn’t even charge that much a month for MLB Extra Innings!

Property Manager – How do you know that? I thought you didn’t watch baseball?

Resident – I don’t! The cable provider y’all use is DirecTV. Look, I want to be reimbursed my $276 for the last 4 months.

Property Manager – I’m sorry, but we can’t do that.

Resident – And why not?

Property Manager – Because you should have read that four months ago.

Resident – You should have told me that 4 months ago.

Property Manager – No, you should have read that. I went over all the important stuff, one of which was the rent itself, which you were perfectly fine with.

Resident – Yeah, but if I know I can save some money especially in regards to something I don’t even partake in then I want to take advantage of it. Well, baseball ended a few weeks ago, so am I still gonna have to pay this $69 during the off-season?

Property Manager – Yes, its an amazing view.

Resident – I want my money back, and I want it now!

Property Manager – I’m sorry.

Resident – Alright.

3 hours later …

Property Manager – Hey, we don’t allow masks to be worn in our offices.

Person – Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m on my way to see Justice League, and stop here first and use the change machine.

Property Manager – Okay, well you need to take off your mask while in the office.

Person – I can’t or I’ll get electrocuted.

Property Manager – Okay, you need to get out now. You are starting to creep me out with that voice. Why are you talking like that? Did you know Ben Affleck plays Batman now? And why are you holding that bat? That’s not one of Batman’s gadgets.

Daily Writing Prompt: Write yourself into a corner. Impossible situations. No way out. 

Mama – Lil’ Demarcus, what’s this?

Son – That’s my journal. What are you doing with it?

Mama – I was cleaning your room and it fell off your desk and landed on this page. What’s all this nasty stuff in here?

Son- I didn’t write that. 

Mama – It’s only me and you in the house. Did your imaginary friend write it?

Son – I mean, I wrote it, but that’s Bankroll Fresh don’t. He’s a rapper. I was trying to learn the lyrics. 

Mama – I don’t want you listening to mess like this. I’m about to google these words to see if you telling the truth, and if you not, you getting a whooping. I’m going to investigate this diary further. You in timeout until I get back. 

Son – It’s a journal, mom. 

Mama – Get your ass in the corner!

39 minutes later …

Mama – Demarcus … 

Son – Mama, mama, please don’t hit me with that hammer, I’m sorry! 

Mama – Get out the corner. 

Son – Mama, please!

Mama – I said get out the corner. 

Son – Okay, please don’t hit me.

Mama – (hits wall repeatedly with hammer)

Son – Mama …

Mama – You wrote this for me?

Son – Yeah, I was gone give it to you for your birthday. I wasn’t done with it. I need to add some more parts to it. I just needed a break ‘cause I spent 2 days on it. 

Mama – (hits wall with hammer) I will never put you in the corner again. 

Son – That’s nice and all, but mama you didn’t have to be so dramatic. You know we Sims right? You could have just told our God to use the camera view with no walls. 

Be honest with people about their cooking on Thanksgiving … even if it increases your rent. 

Resident – Thank y’all for treating residents to an early Thanksgiving. 

Manager – You’re welcome!

Resident – I’m glad I moved here. 

Manager – And we’re glad to have you. 

Resident – My last apartment didn’t do these KIND kind of things for the community. And judging by how packed it is in here it looks like I won’t be the only one without family this year. Looks like every resident is here. Wow! Oooh yeah give me some of that dressing … and oooh the turkey too … and oooh some of those candy yams please … that too … un-huh … yes…. oooh God yes! Okay, thank youuuuu! 

Manager – Sir, where are you going?

Resident – Umm … back to my apartment. 

Manager – There are no to-go-plates. 

Resident – This the plate y’all gave me. 

Manager – There are no TO GO plates.

Resident – Aww that’s why everybody in here? Y’all want us to eat in front of y’all? 

Manager – Well, you’re the first person to try those 2 items. Would you mind telling me how they taste? And you can be completely honest, I didn’t make any of it. 

Resident – The mac-n-cheese slamming!

Manager – Wonderful. And the biscuit?

Resident – Ahhhh! Taste like a brick! I think I chipped a tooth! 

Manager – And that rent increase of $212 taste like tears coming from you! Make sure you put enough salt in it! 

Nanowrimo Challenge (Post A Day): You Are What You Eat

  • TITLE: You are what you eat
  • LENGTH: 30 sec – 1 min
  • PRODUCT: Whopper
  • WRITER: Har+new

This is a dual column screenplay where the description of the action would be on the left and the dialogue on the right, but since I don’t have that feature (some plug-in) in my post editor so I’m going to utilize the horizontal line.

VISUAL

Two men pull out chairs from a dining table.


AUDIO

“You mind sitting in the next seat.”

“You act as if I’m sitting in the next seat and not the one across from you.”

“Well, I would rather you sit in the next seat than the one directly in from of me because then your bright red hair wouldn’t be blocking my view and those clown feet wouldn’t be stepping on mines.”

“Whatever, dude!”


VISUAL

As both men are sitting down, a server brings them their food on trays.


AUDIO

“Dude, you ordered 6 cheeseburgers?! You better chill. You know you are what you eat with each bite, right?”

“I know.”


VISUAL

Second man unwraps one of his sandwiches and it is revealed to be BURGER KING in a red bubbly font between two shiny buns (the logo). After he takes his first bite the server puts a royal robe over his shoulders. After he takes his 2nd bite the server puts a crown on his head. After 3rd bite the server pulls up a throne. As the man sits in his new seat and is about to take the 4th bite, the server, who is a woman, snatches the sandwich out his hand.  The server sits in the chair next to him and starts feeding and fanning him with her hand. After watching all of this in confusion, the second man runs back to the counter.


AUDIO

“Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our …”

“Shut up and take my money! I want everything on the menu!”

“Sir, are you sure? You know you are what you eat, right?”


VISUAL

The man turns his head, looking back at his table where the server is still feeding his friend.


AUDIO

“I knowwwwwww.”