Category Archives: Satire

Waffle House responds to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffle name change with a menu change

In the wake of the W and A in Waffle House being transposed in 2nd Black History Month (Africa in April), Roscoe’s House Of Chicken and Waffles didn’t waffle in their decision to shorten its name to Roscoe’s Chicken.

While the ellipsis in Roscoe’s next text bubble were flickering, Waffle House, who took the name change as batter and buffet because of their recent troubles, stole the spotlight and shined it on what they thought the reason was:

“It’s clear Roscoe’s is kicking us while we’re a pancake and pouring syrup on our wounds. If that’s how y’all wanna play, okay, well, let the games begin. We will take chicken off our menus. No more grilled chicken! The west coast ain’t got no love for waffles and country ham? The west coast ain’t got no love for waffles and country ham and Papa Joe? Y’all don’t love us? Y’all don’t love us? Well, let it be known then! We know y’all west coast! We know where 40 of our locations at! Roscoe Jenkins in the muthafucking house! You know what, more than the chicken cross the road. We taking Hi-C off the menu since y’all got the best chronic and the home of the crips. We taking ice tea off the menu since Ice-T was raised in Los Angeles. And last but not least, we taking orange juice off the muthafucking menu since O.J Simpson from San Francisco. I did it!”

Immediately following Waffle House’s confession, the flickering ellipsis in Roscoe’s text bubble became punctuation marks in sentences of enlightenment:

“The 3 of our locations that weren’t affected by our bankruptcy will be renamed Roscoe’s Chicken while the 4 that were affected will remain Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles. We’re doing this because we want a fresh start. We want to get as far away from the debt and discrimination as possible, therefore, we changed our minds about not moving into the New York market. So if you’re infringing on our trademarks out there you’re no longer safe; Change your name and logo or we will sue the Z-A-N-N out you. Herb Hudson from them Harlem streets now.”

The message continues at great length but that’s the most important part of it; I don’t want to waffle.

Realizing the blunder or blender of their Twitter fingers and the boycott growing to include O-N at the end, Waffle House typed up an apology letter with only their middle fingers (they were fucked!) and offered to donate $3.2 million to the Obama-visited restaurant to help them settle their debt with Daniel Beasley and his attorneys.

While it’s not a surprise Roscoe’s accepted the offer, it was a surprise what their former employee did with his newfound wealth. Beasley became the biggest contributor of the GoFundMe for the victims of the Nashville Waffle House shooting at $200,000. Even went out his way to donate $150 to Jacinda Mitchell and $3,000 to Chikesia Clemons for their recent pain and suffering.

As of writing, Waffle House has reported pancake stacks of slips and falls in 33 locations within the past 15 hours.

Maybe it’s the sip-sip-sizzurp!

Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!

Advertisements

How An Employee Who Never Washes Their Hands At Work Became A Hero In Company Restrooms Everywhere

 

One of several plates I had at Shoney's.
One of several plates I had at Shoney’s.

 

Memphis, TN — FlexTronics replace blowdryers with paper towels after 8 employees were trapped in the bathroom for 35 minutes.

The first employee of the eight who got the flatulence out his nose by sniffing the lunches of generous co-workers shared his horrific experience:

It was terrible! It was terrible! Oh my God! It was 8:30 in the morning, my first break. I had to pee. Two dudes were already in the restroom, on the toilet. I put my shirt over my nose and used the stall furthest away from them, close to the sinks. If you know me, you know I hate using the stand-up stalls because I feel awkward as hell having a conversation with another dude while my junk in my hand. But it was just us 3. Then lo and behold! Soon as I start peeing, this other dude comes in, skips the stall on the end, uses the one right next to mines, talking about he got the Love & Hip Hop DVD’s for sale. I zipped up my pants, washed my hands, put ‘em under the blowdryer, and that’s when it happen … I was stuck in the bathroom until somebody else came in. So, I pretended like I had OCD and kept washing my hands. I was gone tailgate the other dude when he opened the door. But he had OCD too! After 10 minutes go by, dude just looked at me and said, ‘Look! My mama told me it’s time to get out the tub when your fingers wrinkle. I’m not touching that door handle.’ Can you believe we both did laundry over the weekend? We even washed our smocks! So, we couldn’t open the door with our clothes. Our feet were too big to fit through the door handle hoop. We asked the guys on the toilet for tissue or a seat cover. They just kept repeating the word ‘occupied.’ It was terrible!

15 minutes later, the two employees heard what they called a “royal flush.” One of the guys on the toilet unlocked the stall door, “moonwalked” right pass the sinks and opened the door to “freedom.” It was Willy Johnson, a man who hasn’t washed his hands in 11 years. Upon exiting, the men heard a banging on the ladies’ restroom door. Johnson opened the door and women ran out coughing. One even jumped into his arms. Apparently, five women were trapped in the ladies’ room for similar reasons. The trapped employees also saw something outside the door which further delayed their rescue, causing people to walk 5.28 miles to the other lavatories: The custodian’s cleaning cart.

In a company email, FlexTronics CEO, Mike McNamara, said to honor Johnson’s heroism, the 4 month employee’s hands will be the first illustration of the Six Stage Hand-Washing Technique on the walls in restrooms across all locations. When asked his thoughts of becoming the official hand model for the company, Johnson said, “I can handle it!”

In an effort to protect the environment, FlexTronics uses blowdryers in their restrooms to prevent employees from clogging up toilets with paper towels.

Why you think Johnson hasn’t washed his hands in over a decade?

 

The Controversial Remake Of The “Apparently” Kid’s Viral Video

Apparently Kid on his motorcycle

John Borowski, Noah Ritter’s grandfather, and Sofia Ojeda, the reporter that interviewed Noah at the Wayne County Fair are suing the creators behind a remake of the “Apparently Kid” viral video. In it, at the 37-second-mark, a little girl wearing a Peace shirt appears on camera saying “Hi” and tries to get the attention of the reporter. Just like in the real video. At the 47-second mark, a “Bruce Leroy glow” appears around the body of the child actor playing Noah Ritter. The little girl actor who has said “hi” 17 more times since then gets smacked out the way by the reporter, who yells, “Get a personality, bitch!” At the minute and 30-second mark, the actor playing Noah’s grandfather gets arrested. A team of FBI agents accuse him of kidnapping his grandson because of the “strange” behavior he displayed while the camera was on Noah. One of the FBI agents says, “Why did you keep tapping him on his shoulder, like let’s go? Why are you in such a rush? You don’t need the PowerBall. This video is about to go viral. You have to be a kidnapper for not letting him talk more.” After the FBI rushes the grandfather away, to the satisfaction of the fans who wanted to hear Noah talk more, the fantasy interview goes on for 3 minutes longer than the real one. The video had 326,433 views before it was removed on YouTube for violating their child abuse policy.

UPDATE: Sofia Ojeda has released a formal statement: “I have never abused a child like what was depicted of ‘me’ in  RntP8_e9ZvlO0oru63cbQ’s recreation video. Especially one I gave birth to. Yes, that little girl in the video with Noah was actually my daughter. If you listened closely, you could hear me call her honey. Why would I call someone else’s daughter that? Furthermore, to address people who’ve  said I ignored her, I will be giving her an interview asking about her experience at the fair then upload it to YouTube. She has tons of personality! Stay tuned!”

Built on top:

  • The attention-seeking little girl; the rushing of the grandfather

When you learn a new word do you try to incorporate it in your vocabulary by saying it often in sentences, even ones where it doesn’t make sense?

Anonymous Blogging Gone Wrong: Drunk Woman Reveals the Rest of the Letters in her Boyfriend’s Name (And Shows Pic)

Screenshot of Futuristically Yours homepage

A woman who was once making $10,000 a month from her anonymous blog is now making 17 cents per month after a fan exposed her lie in a revealing photo.

Kadence, formerly known as K, woke up March 30th in the afternoon with a severe headache. She had a hang-over. The vile smell coming from her blouse confirmed it. But she was confused. The reason for her drinking was lying next to her in bed, Jasper, formerly known as J. Her boyfriend. Did they instantly make-up after their bad fight last night?

“I was trying to collect my thoughts. I look across the room and see two things an author of an anonymous blog never wants to see sitting RIGHT next to each other: A bottle of Tequila and a laptop,” wrote Kadence in a post titled, IWasDrunk, and ANGRY, and Stoopid … and Blogging. She wrote, “I jumped out of bed in a panic, run to the computer and start shaking it. Then I realized this isn’t a little sister whose in a deep-sleep and is about to be late for school. It’s a touch-sensitive machine. I slide my finger across the trackpad and couldn’t believe my eyes. The man who was laying in my bed was on my computer screen. I deleted the post and kicked him out my apartment half-naked.”

But it was too late.

Despite the scathing 2,000 word post being published at 3AM it was shared on Facebook 83 times, on Twitter 27 times, and had 78 comments. One follower replied, “When I saw the preview of the post in my email I thought the pic was an advertisement from Google. But when I clicked the ‘read more‘ link and saw the same pic I still thought it was an advertisement, as K has lots of them on her blog. Out of a thousand-something posts with no images it just had to be. However, when I read the post I was shocked to find out that was the protagonist of her posts. He wasn’t a faceless letter anymore. He had a picture and a name.”

For the next 3 weeks Kadence would unsuccessfully try to turn her anonymous blog into a “regular” one, but fans clamored that she lost her writing edge because she didn’t want to offend Jasper, who she reconciled with and knew was reading her blog now. They threatened to take their traffic elsewhere. Realizing she never posted her own photo or revealed the rest of the letters in her name during the blog transformation and could go anonymous again, she did so. In her first anonymous post back, she claimed, “I broke up with Jasper, formerly known as J, and found me a new beau, K. I know, right! We’re twinees! But ladies … he is an A in bed. OMG!” She goes on to detail her reasons for breaking up with Jasper, saying he punched her.

The renewed anonymous blog thrived. Traffic peaked in the month of June with a million site visits. Advertising revenue was going through the roof. Fans was leaving comments, saying her posts were “better than ever.”

Then …

A fan, Hans Reznor, saw Jasper in public with some girl.

“I was at the movies, standing in line, and saw this dude who looked familiar. I  tried recalling where I knew him from. Suddenly, I got a comment notification from one of my friends on K’s blog AND THEN IT HIT ME! I looked in my gallery. I had saved J’s pic on my phone. I kept looking at my phone, looking at him, looking at my phone, looking at him. IT WAS J! And I just assumed the girl he was with was his NEW girlfriend. Then out of nowhere, a girl who I haven’t talked to in a whole freaking year texts me. AND THEN IT  HIT ME AGAIN! What if the girl who J is standing with is K?!?! I had no way of knowing because I didn’t know what she looked like. She never posted a pic. I had to think of something quick because the line was moving. I kept shouting out the letter K but left pauses in-between because some black people was standing behind me. The girl J was with kept looking back. But that could have just been a coincidence. Then right when I’m about to lose them to the movie theater it happened. When Jasper and the girl was at the counter paying for the movie, the lady at the register looked at the girl’s card and ID and said, ‘I got a sister named Kadence.’ BOOM! I whipped out my phone, snapped a good clear picture of them together, and ran home. I didn’t even want to see The Purge no more.”

Reznor posted the picture on Facebook, Twitter, and in the comment section of Kadence’s most recent posts. Fans were outraged and felt a sense of betrayal. They rallied on social media and promised to fulfill their earlier threat of taking their traffic elsewhere.Within a month JKDoesntStandForJustKidding.com was doing 24 views a day.A far cry from the 250,000 monthly visits Kadence was averaging.

In a post titled, I Should’ve Waited ‘Til It Came Out On DVD she wrote,

“For the first time in 6 years I am looking for a job. A job I know I will hate. A job that will make me hate Monday’s. A job with rats and robots. A job I may very well be at forever BECAUSE YOU SON OF BITCHES TOOK THE JOB I LOVE AWAY FROM ME! I WISH I KNEW WHO YOU ALL WERE SO WHEN THE PURGE BECOMES REAL I CAN KILL Y’ALL UGLY ASSES! I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Who’s going to read it? My mom?! Fuck her!!! My damn boyfriend rubbed more salt on my wounds by breaking up with me. FOR REAL THIS TIME YOU BASTARDS!”

In a surprising twist of events, Jasper has started his own blog, JStandsForJealousy, and reveals he masterminded the whole thing. On the About page he wrote,

You may know my ex-girlfriend, Kadence, formerly known as K. She had one of the most popular anonymous blogs on the internet, which brought in thousands of dollars in advertising revenue. Here I am working a crap job while she gets to sit home and write for a living. I was jealous. I had my own little blog on WordPress that no one gave a damn about. I asked Kadence, who has a degree in marketing, could she help me with it and she claimed she didn’t know anything about marketing a blog. She lied to me to cover up she had a widely successful blog, of which I was the star of. That’s why I don’t feel remorse about my actions. That night we had our argument, a slip of the tongue revealed she had some big, popular blog. I pretended to not hear what she said and changed the subject of the arguing. She never got drunk. It was me. I set it all up. While she slept I spilled alcohol on her blouse. I gave her the headache by kicking her out of bed and making her hit her head on the floor. She was a deep-sleeper. I positioned the Tequila next to her lap-top. I knew all her passwords. She used the same one for each account. So, all I had to do was go to each blogging platform and type it in until one worked. Once it became clear to me that I was the star these people were coming to this site to read about I wanted more control. All of these posts talked about how bad I was in bed and her adventures with other men because of it infuriated me. I wanted revenge. I wanted the proper representation. So, I wrote a post about me. Nothing really changed. I talked bad about myself like she would have done. I can be self-deprecating. But I made it look like she was so plastered while she was writing, she addressed me by my name and showed off embarrassing pics of me. It was believable. And that fan that saw us in public? A friend of mines she never met. She didn’t even want to go to the movies that night. I had to drag her to the theater. She lied to y’all about how bad I was in bed so women will stay away from me and men would laugh at me. She lied about us breaking up and her dating a new letter so she could profit off the traffic you provided her. Well, to the people who have been deceived in the blogging community, I present my truth. A face with a name. This is my story in my own words. This is my jealousy.

JStandsForJealousy.com has been viewed 157,372 times since it was started 2 weeks ago.

Built on top:

  • Wanting to write a sequel to this

What topics would you blog about if you had an anonymous blog and wouldn’t be held accountable for?

Itching Powder Sprinkled On Man’s Gun Tattoo Makes Trigger Squeeze, Killing Him

gun tat
A close-up of Michael Smith’s gun tattoo

 

A Madison police officer will not face criminal charges in the fatal shooting of 41-year-old Michael Smith, the man with the life-sized tattoo of a handgun on his stomach, according to court records.

For the afternoon of July 21st, surveillance footage shows Smith feeding Canada Geese on the Oakland Town Beach when two masked men attacked him from behind. The footage shows one of the men pulling Smith’s shirt over his head, temporarily blinding him, while the other man repeatedly punched Smith in the face. One of the men took a gold packet out of his pocket and sprinkled its contents on Smith’s defenseless body. The footage then shows the two men fleeing the scene with Smith’s shirt in their possession. 3 minutes and 29 seconds later, the surveillance footage shows Smith struggling to stand. He stumbled out of the camera’s eye and into the first person that could’ve helped him, but unfortunately mistook Smith’s yelling for a threat and his tattoo for a real gun.

“I was standing in front of the [cop] car, using the hood to write tickets. All of a sudden, I hear someone screaming. I turn around and see this shirtless, wild-looking guy charging at me about to pull a gun from his waistband. I perceived danger. My instincts kicked in. It’s only one thing you do in that kind of situation. You survive,” said officer Brett Lowell. “I didn’t realize it was a tattoo until I tried kicking the gun away from his body.”

A nearby witness who recognized Smith from past media stories (see below) yelled, “Stop! You’re kicking him in the stomach. That’s a tattoo! Stop! That’s Mike! Michael Smith!”

Officer Lowell was cleared of any wrongdoing when medical examiners discovered the contents of that gold packet the masked men poured on Smith’s stomach was itching powder, which caused Smith to scratch the gun tattoo, appearing as if he was gripping the handle of a firearm.

Investigators said this was a calculated assault and personal for the attackers. Smith had 1,000 dollars in his pockets.

 

Built on top:

 

If you saw a shirtless man charging at you yelling, rubbing what appears to be a gun from a distance, what would you do?

Why Don’t People Smile In Their Selfies? This App Wants To Change That

image
Read the 2nd comment

Besides smartphone screen sizes bigger than their holder’s head and creepy Post-it notes on the mirror, app developer Brad Madalone noticed something strange about the selfie phenomenon: People rarely smiled in these pictures. However, when he observed this same group smile in photos taken by someone else, he had an idea. This past March, Madalone launched Helpie, a selfie app that snaps a pic of you every time you smile at your phone. As may be expected, smiling is the first thing you are required to do upon installing so Helpie’s facial recognition software can work its magic. The prompt asks you to produce two versions of a smile: A toothy one and a closed mouth one. The convenience of the app lies in it not just snapping pics without letting you get prepared. It gives you 3 seconds to strike a pose then it says Cheese! Automatically, the photo is shared on Facebook and Twitter.

While some love the randomness of the app, there are those who create several fake Google Play accounts giving it bad reviews. One man, 20-year-young Andrew Sniles is even suing Madalone and Helpie for making him unhappy in life. “I use to be the most positive person you would ever meet. Ask my friends. Then when I heard about this app I thought it was cool. I mean, I’m always taking selfies. I got all the other selfie apps like FrontBack and Shots, so why not. I started getting annoyed at the app taking all these pics of me when I smiled at text messages from my girlfriend or when I read Onion articles on my phone. It was even taking pictures when I was laughing. I thought it was just for smiles? Instead of uninstalling it I just started frowning at my phone. No matter how cute a text was or how adorable a kitten was I just frowned. This eventually crossed over into the real world. My friends started making up excuses not to hang out with me. My girlfriend dumped me. Even my baby sister cries when I go pick her up. She don’t even reach her little arms out for me to hold her anymore. I didn’t know what was wrong with me until I looked in the mirror and saw my facial expression was stuck on a frown. This app has destroyed my life!”

At press time, Madalone couldn’t be reached for comment regarding the lawsuit.

Built on top of:
•Smiling at a person’s text more than their face

Do you find yourself smiling at your phone more than a person?

Subscribe to my Youtube channel

Company Bans App To Cut Down On Employees Taking Extra Breaks

imageMEMPHIS, TN—32 Williams-Sonoma employees were fired this past Friday for refusing to uninstall a popular nature app from their phone.

When instructed by security to go through what they perceived to be the metal detectors of old WITH their phone, workers were certain they was gone hear beeps, however, when it went off for only 53 out of 109 people, everyone was scratching their heads. Management informed the confounded shift that what they actually walked through was an app detector – a metal detector for phones that goes off when a certain app is installed. Which in this case was Akatu Take A Extra Break. In 2012, Akatu made headlines when they released Akatu Fake Shower, an app that simulated sounds of running faucet or shower water to mask “taking your kids to the pool.” Conversely, they released the former app in October 2013 to “unmask your kids cannon balling in the water.” According to Vinicius Porto, CEO of PorQueNao?, the firm responsible for bringing both Akatu apps to market, “We’ve received several reviews on our Fake Shower app with people saying while they thank us for making them feel more comfortable using public restrooms, there are those ‘special’ moments they want to impress upon people their stomach is hurting. Like their boss! So, instead of calling in sick and fake coughing, with Take A Extra Break you can actually give them proof with auditory and olfactory.” Concerning the former, the app comes with pre-recorded grunts expressing effort. In a blog post, Akatu said in the next update to the app they will give consumers the ability to use their own toiletry sounds. In reference to the latter, Akatu ships out a can of spray to app downloaders of 30 days. The spray is “artificial” anus gas and defecation they dubbed, “Air MESSenger.”

Williams-Sonoma doesn’t like the message Akatu is sending their employees.

When lead manager, Rose Gold, went to the lavatory at 3:30PM Central time on Thursday, it was teeming with running shoes underneath stall doors. She walked a couple of feet to their other ladies’ room, and same thing. With only 2 restrooms in the 17,400 square feet warehouse she was forced to wait. After 20 minutes had passed, she became impatient and curiously asked the ladies behind the doors outloud, “What’s going on in there?” Mrs. Gold said she would have said something at the 10 minute mark but gave them more time out of sympathy because it sounded like their stomachs was hurting. Mrs. Gold said she had to step outside the restroom until they finished because the “funny smells” started to make her belly ache too, and that’s when she became hip to what was truly going on. “When one of the girls came out, who I knew was on the toilet because she had on these loud pink boots with this gold jewelry wrapped around them, asked me did I need to use her phone. I said, why would I? She said, ‘To use this shitty app.’ I asked, what it do? She showed me how it works and subsequently fired her damn self for being so stupid. She must didn’t know I was a manager ’cause my name Rose Gold. She had to be new! I went back in both them restrooms and fired everybody from door number 1 to door number 16.” Witnesses say Mrs. Gold was so angry (partly due to a REAL brown stain on the buttocks of her khakis for waiting so long) she even stormed in the men’s restroom handing out pink slips.

Williams-Sonoma acknowledges the popularity of the nature app within the company stems from the unpopular decision to combine employees last 15 minute break with their lunch, thus making them work 5 hours straight. “I like that my lunch 45 minutes but I regret that Taco Bell soon as my feet start hurting,” said an anonymous worker who stands in the same spot for 10 straight hours. To prevent employees from taking unsanction breaks around 3, Williams-Sonoma announced Friday that they will be going back to the 15-30-15 minute format. Furthermore, to enforce their “no cellphones in bathroom” policy they have gave their 5 person janitor service 2 weeks paid vacation and put metal magnets underneath the bathroom floors.

Williams-Sonoma is investigating how long the app has been in use by looking at their on-floor cameras dating back to the day after the unpopular decision was made to the day before the mass firing to see how many associates left their station at 3PM, the time the last 15 minute break would have been.

Built on top of:
•True events

What do you think of them making lunch longer at the expense of not getting your last 15 minute break?