My channel as a whole recently passed the 500K mark. My highest viewed video just passed the 300K mark. A video I put out a week ago passed the 50K mark. A video I put out not even 24 hours ago is already at 4K. I literally just dropped another video about 2 mins ago that I project to also do well. If you haven’t seen my last post (probably temporarily up), my YouTube channel has surpassed the numbers of followers I have on WordPress.
This blog has 1,100 followers. After hitting the thousand subscriber milestone on my channel a few days, I quickly gained another century. My count is now at 1,112. This is 6 months versus 8 years right here.
My 8th blogiversary is coming up in May. Since the 7th I’ve been contemplating retiring this blog and moving on. Now this doesn’t mean I will stop writing because writing is a part of my identity. I’ve been creatively writing since at least 3rd grade. Two reasons why I wanted to move on. One, 7 is the number of completion and in the 7 years I’ve been on here I didn’t accomplish what I set out to do back in May 2011. Two, I wanted to avoid certain people reading my work.
One of the new features of getting a thousand subs is community posts, which acts like a blog post itself. You can post a picture and write. I’m thinking about transferring my writing there.
Happy 420!!! Here’s what I wrote last year
I’m not the type to throw the word “love” around … unless you are around
Dress you in LV
Put the round around your neckie
That E, deadly
If looks could kill
I’m six feet
I’m falling harder in love
Harder in Love
Parted the gloves
Shawty is a … 10, a knockout, starry and doves
Sorry to scrub … the E off
But the silence didn’t turn me off
Meep meep gone
Wasn’t blasted to hell
Just was casted a spell on my bee’s scrawl
Maybe the round don’t have to be a round?
Maybe a half a round?
Yeah-yeah, it deserve to be U in that emergency room for the fourth time having the Fourth’s first
And probably last? surgery to the purpley foods
Eggplant and grapes
Let me just say stars align over Star Wars but May The Fourth Be With You like the anniversary to
Futuristically yours, the purging of used, the purpose of new
She even worded a few self-letters in reverse it was cool
If I could rearrange the letters of the alphabet, U-N-I I’m merging the two
Become 1, damn, did I just mix letters with numbers? Guess I did some learning in school because it did help me later in life, to the math teachers that made me show my work and the proof you certainly rule
Reminded of one of my favorite verses from Lu’
“Cici better see-see me” thought he was talking about email when I heard it, a fool
Swerving them boos to park in Cha’s lot
Oops I forgot the R oooh looks like you forgot it too
Question, if I hollered your username to the heavens, would you think about my absence or your presence?
I know, headspin, no, all l I know is the former need to be former and the latter needs to be a ladder to heaven
Be my angel food I’m left with Hellmann’s
At first I couldn’t tell the difference
It was dessert, sandwich second
And don’t even get me started on my breakfast
I said don’t get me started on breakfast
I said … I said …
You heard what I said? I said don’t get me started on breakfast (She don’t hear me tho like she ain’t near me tho, TURN UP! Bring your ass to the front like I can see your ass from the front! Why shawt tryna rear-end me folk?)
Girl, you should’ve never got me started (over there looking like a meal on wheels for real, 3 course of course throwing me off course got me coarse hahahahaha)
I didn’t want to write this. I didn’t want to write this because I don’t want to be responsible for my uncle having 964 new cousins. But I have to write this. I have to write this to flush these annoying thoughts out of head in hopes of this shit sticking to the page. Thoughts like, “If I had that money I would buy this, I would buy that. I would do this, I would do that.” Why the hell am I counting and spending another man’s money?! I only did this probably twice in my life and the thoughts were in passing, but this time it’s been consistent ever since I was told. I know of millionaires and billionaires, but the key words are “know of.” I don’t truly know them. I never met them. I don’t know if they look like their pictures, if they’re shorter in person, if their breath stink. But this hit closer to home. A home I’ve been to countless times. A home I’ve spent the night at. A home I’ve spent holidays at. A home with a backyard I’m scared to go in because of a big ass black dog named Missy. Please, somebody tell me! What is this phenomenon called? Where something impactful (bad or good) happens to a relative and you think it happened to you too, like y’all share the same body, the same mind, the same lifestyle. It’s weird. And people, please take a harder look at your junk mail. I was cleaning up and shredding papers when I came across a check from a settlement payment. I was a Settlement Class Member in a class action lawsuit from the time I was employed at this warehouse. By the time I saw the check it was 3 weeks passed the 150 days I had to cash it. Only $13.07 but I needed that little money to go with some other little money to make some little big money, ya feel me? Sigh. Without further ado …
He deserved it.
He has a history of winning. In the mid 2000’s, he was rewarded $20,000 from a court settlement due to a job-related incident. Weeks after his recent lottery winnings of a half of million, he played again and won thousands. In the 90’s, he won over the heart of a woman who keeps my heart clogged up with lasagna and cheesecake: my aunt. Unfortunately, he also has a history of loss. In the early 2000’s, I lost my cousin, their first child together. 3 years ago, they were displaced after their apartment unit went up in flames.
I don’t believe in it.
The only time I ever used a coin, a key, a fingernail to scratch off a lottery ticket is when this car company sent me some mail that said if I get wam-wam-wam in a row I would win a truck. During this time I was naïve to marketing tactics companies use to get foot traffic in their store, so, of course, I got excited when I got wam-wam-wam in order. Know the first person I call? My favorite aunt. She took me to the dealership and I expected to leave off the lot in separate cars. The only thing I left with I didn’t come with was a sucker. No, seriously, they gave me some candy. I didn’t understand the symbolism behind that then, but as of writing, you better believe I do. Although, buying lottery tickets won’t break the bank it’s something I don’t want making my bank either. This has nothing to do with the horror stories you heard about past lotto winners. I’m an entrepreneur and I feel I have a better chance at selling a million scratch devices. Let me pitch you! What do you think of a newly designed coin used solely for scratching off the UV ink on lottery tickets? Instead of dead presidents and monuments no one really visits, how about on the front of the coin it’s a past lotto winner and on the back of the coin it’s a gas station? Insanely great, right? This will be your lucky coin, your lucky charm! 100 on 4 please!
It’s my way of pretending I never heard the news to begin with.
I’m not asking which convenience store he went to. I’m not asking which numbers he played. I’m not trying to act like I didn’t get mad that time he splashed water on me at the pool. I’m not trying to remind him of all the times he playfully asked me to borrow money when I was a kid. I’m not trying to sit around talking about basketball all day and how much I love LeBron James (I will confess my love for the King to any peasant). I’m not trying to educate my aunt on how dirt is more conspicuous on black cars and offer to wash her new Camaro, annnnnd ask to go for a spin in it. I’m not trying to babysit my cousin (their surviving child). My grandma never came over to my place that day and the first thing she said to me after not talking to me in 2 weeks was not “My favorite son-in-law just won $440,000 playing the lottery.” It’s none of my business! It’s none of my business! It’s none of YOUR business, woman!
Would you start playing the lottery after a family member won a significant amount of money? Why or why not?
My alarm clock is my cuddle buddy not in the bed the following morning
Going from a “hey big head” to a airhead, from a booty pillow to a bubble butt always wakes me up
Her schedule waits for no man
“Why you have me do the big spoon, little spoon when you knew you had to work?”
“Bear, I told you I had to get up at 6, and we did the butt ‘cheek-to-cheek.’ Remember you ripped the bedsheets with your big toe nail when we played footsie? Look!”
“Well, who was I hugging from the back?”
“Maybe your dream girl.”
“Now baby I have to go. Your Captain Crunch is getting cold. It’s on the table, been sitting in the milk for 15 minutes which is long enough for it not to mess up the roof of your mouth. Now give me a kiss peace. A closed-mouth one though. You got morning breath. I don’t want to have to brush my teeth all over again. You know toothpaste makes me gag.”
“What we don’t have in common?”
“Hmm. We’re not in the same bed right now.”
“What about now?”
“You’re leaning over the bed. Technically, no body part is in it.”
“You have a really pretty smooth sore-free, arrow-less left knee. Looks way better than mines. Butttttt there are a few body parts I think I like a little bit better.”
“Hmm. This one?”
“Wait. Wait. Before you sit your ass on the bed long enough to make a smiley face imprint you should remember one important thing … you have to go to work.”
“Haven’t you heard?”
999 puzzle pieces pour deliciously on the coffee table
The thousandth ran 2 laps on the grounds before coming to a calm post
The irregular shape of the piece against the perfect tiles makes it look like a spill from this height
Instead of water treating my head line, heart line, and life line, like a finish line, and racing through it like a hare, the shape of this puzzle piece has the profile of a baby tortoise upon slower analysis
“Turtles taste like cardboard” I expressed so I tucked in my puck
Roasting myself like, “You’re such a beanhead for letting that partner of theirs persuade you into spending Starbucks on a 3D puzzle instead of a flat white”
That pile of puzzle pieces sitting atop the mocha lava colored table is sculpted like a volcano, or did those cardboards just fall out the cardboard that way?
Maybe that’s why this turquoise turtle turned course? Poor little thing doesn’t know how to protect itself with its totally coarse shell yet.
Sugar dugar, I’m why your puzzle piece is missing
I have stolen a piece out of every puzzle made since 1991. The piece that most resembles a baby turtle. Don’t ask me how I do it. I don’t share my process with teenagers, mutants, or ninjas.
I was just a weird little zombie kid who wanted pet turtles
Because the pieces were all from different puzzles I never attempted to fill in the blanks with the tabs
Then one day during a commercial break of The Walking Dead I tried out of boredom and something amazing happened …