Tag Archives: at work

20 Passive Aggressive Things I Will Do When My Boss Goes On His Honeymoon

Sorry for the wait. His car still in the parking lot. He talking to someone on the phone. Text and drive! Wait … he’s backing out! Dammit, he stopped. Another car drove behind him. Okay, he’s in reverse. Dammit. Some old guy walking behind the car. He needs the aid of some sort of standing wheelchair to walk so he’s slow to move. I hope I don’t be like that when I get old. This gonna be a while.

Okay, the coast is clear. He’s … he’s … not in front of the office no more. Let me run to the door and make sure he’s out of the parking lot. Traffic is bad. Fuck! Come on, man, you had that one! What … why is he reversing? Please don’t tell me he’s coming back to the office. Ohhh he’s finding another exit. Let me follow his car out the parking lot. He can’t see me behind this pole, right? I been losing weight. He found another exit, y’all. He’s … he’s outta here.

Big Bossman  won’t be back until Monday afternoon. I have a day and a half to …

  1. I will untuck my fucking shirt! No one can look at my ass now! That’s what the tennis tail is for. No one will see my penis print either! These not fucking 1980’s basketball shorts.
  2. I will take my fucking phone off vibrate. Y’all gone hear my Lana Del Rey ringtone and my Sherwood Forest text tone today muthafucka!
  3. Wear khakis on casual Friday. I ain’t wearing no fucking jeans today! I’m breaking the rules and finishing the week with these Classic Stones baby!
  4. Make the fucking temperature warm. I be freezing! Goosebumps all over my arm and shit! I try not to complain and just wear a jacket. Y’all act like I’m the IRS and trying to audit the  books how y’all got me in this cold ass room shawty!
  5. Turn off this got-damn elevator music, Bob! We got one floor so why am I hearing this shit? I wanna hear how Bankroll Fresh ran off on the plug today.
  6. Park in front of the office. Look! I know we in a suite and we only got two parking spaces. I know these spots for the customers and the employees need to park far away from the building. I know this. But have you seen some of them??? They need the exercise.
  7. Not tell anyone “good morning,” “going to lunch,” and “bye.” Y’all ain’t gotta know where I’m at, at all times. I will come. I will go. That little chime notification that goes off every time the door opens tells you everything you need to know.
  8. Eat a full-course meal at my desk instead of a snack. Fuck them ants!
  9. Not go to the restroom just to fart. Look! I don’t know if it’s the Taco Bell, but I burnt-burnt a lot, and I’m tired of getting up. I hold that shit in too long my stomach start growling. There have been studies that said smelling farts is good for your health. I bullshit you not! I can just lie to you and say my chair was squeaking but then I gotta convince you that smell is coming from the vents. Too much trouble. And no, I won’t stop eating Taco Bell. That AM Crunchwrap steak and Naked Egg Taco bundle fye fye!
  10. Watch something NSFW on company computers. Nah, not porn. That’s for amateurs. I wanna watch videos of what people do with their hands in driverless cars. Like … have sex!
  11. Not talk in my white people voice because they can still tell I’m black. Ain’t that’s why that white lady called me the N word over and over? Why you talking shit 3,000 miles away though? Oh, yeah, okay!
  12. Leave the lights on. Big Bossman, you gone mess up our chances at being part of a skyline one day.
  13. Leave 10 minutes early. I need to beat traffic and customers who like to come in last-minute. Talking about “I just got off work.” Shit, me too!
  14. Not let a non-customer use the restroom. Look! It’s bad enough I gotta deal with y’all leaving piss, shit, and period blood on the toilet seat.
  15. Talk into my desk-fan like a child with at least one customer. Thissssss calllll mayyyyyy beeeee monitoreddddd forrrrr qualityyyyyy controlllllll.
  16. Rub on my nipples when a customer says, “Let me speak with your manager.” Can you say that one more time, just the way you said it, just a little more slowly … and softer. Yes, yes, yasssssssssss bitch!
  17. Spin around in my chair and say wheeeeee.
  18. Walk around like I own the place. Nah, fuck that! Let’s go back to number 17. I don’t wanna walk nowhere. Everywhere I go in the office I’m pulling up in my chair, rolling. That’s why they got wheels, right???
  19. Flirt with pretty customers. If you look good in-person or if you sound good over the phone I’m giving you minimum 22 compliments. I’m shooting my shot like Westbrook! 3 for 22.
  20. Not do any work the last 2 hours and blame it on Comcast.

Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!

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How An Employee Who Never Washes Their Hands At Work Became A Hero In Company Restrooms Everywhere

 

One of several plates I had at Shoney's.
One of several plates I had at Shoney’s.

 

Memphis, TN — FlexTronics replace blowdryers with paper towels after 8 employees were trapped in the bathroom for 35 minutes.

The first employee of the eight who got the flatulence out his nose by sniffing the lunches of generous co-workers shared his horrific experience:

It was terrible! It was terrible! Oh my God! It was 8:30 in the morning, my first break. I had to pee. Two dudes were already in the restroom, on the toilet. I put my shirt over my nose and used the stall furthest away from them, close to the sinks. If you know me, you know I hate using the stand-up stalls because I feel awkward as hell having a conversation with another dude while my junk in my hand. But it was just us 3. Then lo and behold! Soon as I start peeing, this other dude comes in, skips the stall on the end, uses the one right next to mines, talking about he got the Love & Hip Hop DVD’s for sale. I zipped up my pants, washed my hands, put ‘em under the blowdryer, and that’s when it happen … I was stuck in the bathroom until somebody else came in. So, I pretended like I had OCD and kept washing my hands. I was gone tailgate the other dude when he opened the door. But he had OCD too! After 10 minutes go by, dude just looked at me and said, ‘Look! My mama told me it’s time to get out the tub when your fingers wrinkle. I’m not touching that door handle.’ Can you believe we both did laundry over the weekend? We even washed our smocks! So, we couldn’t open the door with our clothes. Our feet were too big to fit through the door handle hoop. We asked the guys on the toilet for tissue or a seat cover. They just kept repeating the word ‘occupied.’ It was terrible!

15 minutes later, the two employees heard what they called a “royal flush.” One of the guys on the toilet unlocked the stall door, “moonwalked” right pass the sinks and opened the door to “freedom.” It was Willy Johnson, a man who hasn’t washed his hands in 11 years. Upon exiting, the men heard a banging on the ladies’ restroom door. Johnson opened the door and women ran out coughing. One even jumped into his arms. Apparently, five women were trapped in the ladies’ room for similar reasons. The trapped employees also saw something outside the door which further delayed their rescue, causing people to walk 5.28 miles to the other lavatories: The custodian’s cleaning cart.

In a company email, FlexTronics CEO, Mike McNamara, said to honor Johnson’s heroism, the 4 month employee’s hands will be the first illustration of the Six Stage Hand-Washing Technique on the walls in restrooms across all locations. When asked his thoughts of becoming the official hand model for the company, Johnson said, “I can handle it!”

In an effort to protect the environment, FlexTronics uses blowdryers in their restrooms to prevent employees from clogging up toilets with paper towels.

Why you think Johnson hasn’t washed his hands in over a decade?

 

Why Companies Should Use “Fire” Over “Terminate” When Letting Employees Go

FADE IN

INT. YOUR COMPANY – AFTERNOON

EMPLOYEE

Hey, Charles, is Amber okay? I haven’t seen her around in 2 weeks.

SUPERVISOR (CHARLES)

Did she mean something to you? I never seen y’all two …

EMPLOYEE

… talk? Yeah, I mean, we never had a conversation, but she always caught my eye. I’m just curious.

SUPERVISOR

She was terminated.

EMPLOYEE

(surprisingly)

Oh my God! Seriously? By who?

SUPERVISOR

Us.

EMPLOYEE

What, what do you mean by us?

SUPERVISOR

US, the company.

EMPLOYEE

Who in the company?

SUPERVISOR

Me. Frank wanted to do it, but I had to be the one to handle it. This was personal.

EMPLOYEE

And you’re just gonna … confess to me like that?

SUPERVISOR

I terminate people all the time, man [giggles]. It’s no big deal. It’s life!

EMPLOYEE

All, all the time? What?! What did Amber do? She wouldn’t drop the box cutter?

SUPERVISOR

Too many tardies.

The employee flashbacks to last week when they was called in the office to discuss their own attendance for the past 5 weeks: tardies and absences. The words, “Start making it on time or else,” from the company’s representative, echoes in the employee’s head.

EMPLOYEE

(mumbles)

Terminate is or else?

THE NEXT DAY …

INT. YOUR COMPANY – MORNING

A car pulls up on the company’s lot, breaking the 5 MPH speed limit, double parks. Someone jumps out the car and runs into the building. It’s the employee. The supervisor waits at the clock where workers swipe their badge. 

SUPERVISOR

Well, well, well … you’re one minute late!

EMPLOYEE

(rapidly)

That turn signal light changes so fast. It was 3 cars ahead of me. ‘Bout time it was my turn it changed to red. I was sitting there for like 7 minutes.

SUPERVISOR

No more excuses! [puts hand inside jacket]

EMPLOYEE

He got a gun! [knocks out supervisor with punch]

All 42 employees in earshot of “He got a gun!” scream and run towards the exit, trampling the supervisor in the process. While the supervisor’s motionless body lies on the ground, a pink slip waving in the air falls on his face. 

FADE TO BLACK