Tag Archives: blog

If Your Blinds Look Like This …

Caption this photo.
Caption this photo.

If your blinds look like this, you need to mind your damn business.

But if your blinds look like this on an inconsistent row, someone is in yours.

I looked under my bed before I got out of it, afraid a cold hand would grab me by the ankles. I live alone. No one else has a key. Like a kid who hasn’t learned how to do the math in their head, I can count on my fingers how many people I invited over to my apartment in my 4 year residency here. All with 2 indexes and 2 thumbs to spare for a square.

I’m 5’10. Whoever this was, was at least 6’4. What could have they been looking out for? I stood on top of my paper shredder to match their height. I don’t see anything. Whoever this was has been in my apartment so long I need to ask for half the rent. You should see the wear and tear of the blinds. A few more bends it’s gonna need tape.

I look down and see what it was they were watching for: Me. We don’t have our own parking spots but whenever one outside my window is vacant I take it. It’s not a bad neighborhood but I like to keep an eye on my car incase I need to jump out my third floor window onto the entrance roof below, landing on top of my car as the jacker pulls off. Them coming to a hard stop. Skirrrrrt like a long dress. Me flying forward into a mountain of Hefty bags like the garbage man when no one’s looking. Wiping the dirt off my shoulders, chasing them on foot until I see a car I wanna steal and telling the owner who conveniently has one foot on the pavement, the other in the car that “I’m FBI. I need to borrow your sweet, sweet ride.”

Just when I tried to turn this slasher flick to an action movie it went right back to a horror …

I have lived alone long enough to know when I’m not alone.

Who turned up the thermostat? I’m getting goosebumps.

Who’s chopping onions? I’m crying.

Who left the oven on? I’m sweating.

Why didn’t I put a mirror on the wall I’m staring at so I can see behind me? I’m a bad decorator.

Whose hand on my shoulder? I believe I can fly!

Week 7 of 12 of my YouTube Series. Subscribe/Follow/Like/Dislike/Comment/Just Engage

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“That Was Hard” (Staples Personality Test)

FADE IN

INT. TEMP OFFICE/PROSPECT HOME – DAY

TEMP AGENCY

Hello.

PROSPECT

Yeah, I’m calling to check the status of my drug test and Staples application.

TEMP AGENCY

Well, you passed the drug test, but you didn’t do so well on the Staples personality test.

PROSPECT (sighs)

  How many did I miss?

TEMP AGENCY

They don’t tell us. The results just come back approved or denied.

PROSPECT

Can I re-take it?

TEMP AGENCY

You have to wait 6 months to apply again, but we can help you find work with other companies in the mean-time.

PROSPECT

Long as they don’t require you to take some silly personality test. That’s my third one I failed. What in the world are they looking for?

TEMP AGENCY

We don’t know ourselves; test is full of trick questions.

Flashback to 4 days ago when Staples was reviewing the prospect’s test. 

INT. STAPLES HQ – DAY

STAPLES 1

What’s wrong, Johnson?

STAPLES 2

Well, I’m going over this applicant’s personality test. He answered all the questions how we wanted, except for one.

STAPLES 1

It’s probably one that doesn’t matter. What was the question?

STAPLES 2

“How important is it for you to have time outside of work?” The choices were “not important,” “somewhat important,” “important,” and “very important.” He chose, umm, THAT one.

STAPLES 1

What did you say?! You wait a got-damn minute, Johnson! Slow down! That son of a bitch thinks having a life outside of work is VERY important?!?!?!

STAPLES 2

Hmmhmm.

STAPLES 1

(smacks red button) DENIED!!!!!!!

STAPLES 2

Hey, what’s with the towel?

STAPLES 1

Oh, yeah, watch the men’s restroom door. Make sure no one comes in for the next 30, 35 minutes. I need to take a quick wash-up.

STAPLES 2

Yeah, sure thing, bud’.

FADE TO BLACK

4th video in 12 week YouTube series:

Google Me: June 23, 2015

Rest in peace Dick Van Patten. Eight Is Enough was modeled after syndicated newspaper columnist Thomas Braden or Tom Brady for short. The NFL quarterback plays for the New England Patriots. They’re based in the Greater Boston area. There’s currently a tornado warning for parts of Massachusetts. 

Sharon Osbourne returns to The Talk after a month-long hiatus. Her daughter, Kelly Osbourne, filled in for her absence back in March. The former host of “The Fashion Police.” What do they think of the Yeezy Boost 350 and Matt Bomer in his Giorgio Armani suit for the Made To Measure campaign? 

Tori Kelly‘s Unbreakable Smile was released today. She made Sam Smith cry one time. He’s one of the headliners of Music Midtown 2015

Last night, Don Lemon held up a Confederate flag, and then a placard with the word “NIGGER” on it, and posed a question: “Does this offend you?” Maya Rudolph did a spot on Rachel Dolezal impression and answered “yes.”

And you should totally buy the Amazon Echo…echo. 

Episode 5 of my Youtube channel premieres tomorrow. To those with ADD, it will be the shortest video I released thus far.