Tag Archives: blogging

Mama You Can Do It

Sitting on the kitchen floor in my panties and tee its 3:54 in the morning
Eating ice cream with the refrigerator door halfway open
I’m hoping my daughter don’t walk-in on me rummaging through the trash, no, no, no
Rum age? What I’m looking for is 2 days old
Wednesday and Thursday marked out on the calendar but so
I’m about to lose this game of tic tac toe, oh ohhhhhh

Mama you can do it
Please just go back to bed
Before you end up puking
I’ll hold your hair if it comes to it
And if you must sleep by the toilet
Little spoon will hug you from the back
You can tuck me in again when you’re sober
No, you can’t come in my friend, mama said no hangovers

Dad, I know what you are thinking
But this time mama wasn’t drinking
She swerved to avoid hitting a wolf
I wish she did after what it did to little red riding hood
We spared its life
Least it could do is stop these pigs from treating my mama like a kid, saying ABC’s, walking in a straight line

Mama you can do it, do it, do it, do it

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3 Salty Reasons You Miss The Fries at the Bottom of the Bag

Leftovers from this song. What, you thought I was gonna cook you up something new? Haaa! Nah, but, speaking of that post, I want to take y’all behind the scenes of its structure. It’s in 3 parts. 3 parts that symbolize the 3 breaks you get at work. The beginning is your lunch break. Then after the chorus it’s your 15 minute break. Then the outro represents the last hour of work and finally flying out that door like you should be doing right now. It’s 5. Yeah, thought went into this. I’m so strategic you wouldn’t believe it-50 Cent

You eat out the bag

“For dine-in or take-out?” “Take out.” Half-way out the door you change your mind and sit. Do you A) Turn the bag into a makeshift serving tray by ripping one side of the bag open? Or do you B) Just eat out the bag, reaching back and forth? Choosing the latter will have you throwing away a few French fry crumbs, unless, of course, you treat the bag like a bag of chips and pour the fragments in your mouth. Be sure to shut your eyes from the salt.

The color of the napkins and the bottom of the bag

From watching fast food workers bag my items over the years, I’ve noticed they always put the napkins in the bag last. I assume this is because, say, if they put them in first they may get wet with grease stains. When I eat out the bag I don’t take the napkins out; I just move them around the bag as I pick out what I want. In the end they always end up on the bottom. Restaurant napkins are what color usually? A plain brown. What color is the inside of the bag usually? Same thing. So when the napkins are at the bottom they could be covering at least 9 fries.

You are use to being skimped on fries

With McNuggets, you know there are 10 or 20 pieces. With a Double Quarter Pounder, you know it will have two beef patties. Since there isn’t an exact number of fries that’s suppose to go in the carton, the person on the fries, and you, judge them by weight and how they look in the box. If you can see any of the white and yellow stripes on the inside they aren’t full. And for God’s sake, wear your glasses when you’re doing this or the yellow stripes will look like fries. Last thing we need is you eating cardboard. Sometimes when you do get those overflowing fries two things can happen to make you feel like you still got cheated. While they’re in the bag fries can go over the top or be pushed out the holes at the bottom of the carton. Always check the bag. At least ball the bag up when you throw it away instead of leaving as is; this way if you feel anything poking from the inside you know it’s a salty snack.

And one more thing … I do got something new in the oven for y’all. SWB? WRWK? PB3? MO? Who knows. Keep this on your stomach until then.

French Fries at the Bottom of the Bag

Comfort food
I come for you
In a conquered mood
What I’m to do?
Don’t play dumb
Like a plate of crumbs
I know you can say some’ so say some’
The way the cheese hang out the burger makes it look like a tongue
Do I gotta compliment you before you will talk to me? Yum!
Now talk to me
Just when I thought you were gone
And I started to feel all alone I found …

French fries at the bottom of the bag (un-huh)
Almost went “Curry for 3” in the trash (un-huh)
French fries at the bottom of the bag (un-huh)
I’ll eat you cold so don’t you feel bad (un-un)

My work I’m doing it, your work I’m doing it
I’m not a boss but, I’m Super Work Bitch
Untuck my shirt my tennis tail becomes a cape
Fuck your clubhouse I got famous on my 15 minute break

Where all my ladies at who spend too much time in the bathroom? Put your brushes and combs in the air. I want you to repeat after me, go …

It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend (go!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend (don’t stop!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend

Okay, now where all my fellas at who spend too much time on the computer writing dirty haiku poems? Put your keyboards in the air! Repeat after me, go …

It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend (go!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend (don’t stop!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend

Get your crown off the ground King (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Queen (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground King (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Queen (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Royal Family (yeah!)
Get your crown off the ground Royal Family
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground

Dance Like You’re In An iPod Commercial

Hello Miss Lovely, paving stones light up when you walk
She don’t say nothing but, baby makes her blue jeans talk
The dirty denims she’s donning tell me they’re in a relationship with white shirt
Is there room for the genuine, the whole club was looking at her
Ghost of Bowie speeding through the dance hall like a rocket
Eight references but you got a thousand songs in your back pocket
You sound like an iPod commercial

One more thing
One one one more thing
One more
One one one more thing
Notice I said that with my thumb up

Line your white lines where your shadow is cast, curb role
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Da-da-damn, damn

I don’t know why I made the letter Y as if this cocaine was the chalk
And her skin was the black board, I just wanted the line to end where my tongue was gone be used for more than to talk
What happen to your head? You look like Dave in Back To The Future
I didn’t get high before this, I’m sure, are you sure? I’m sure
All of her features disappeared from her body
And I was overcome with nostalgia for my days in college
You look like an iPod commercial

One more thing
One one one more thing
One more
One one one more thing
Notice I said that with my index

Line your white lines where your shadow is cast, curb role
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Da-da-damn, damn

I wanna issue out a challenge
It’s kind of violent
Don’t look up from your phone until you run into a fucking pole
Slide up and down, swing round and round, nobody’s watching the fishbowl, go
Nobody’s watching the fishbowl, go
Nobody’s watching the fishbowl, go
Go, go
They’re so distracted by their new pet bird
Teaching it how to talk with no character in its words (word!)

Fly my freak flag half-staff
I killed your whole staff (funerals make me laugh kekekeke)
Pledge allegiance to me bitch
Take a knee, CLEAN UP ON AISLE SIX
Right right right where the leftover rice iz (shit!)
I got ice cream, let me muthafuckin’ skip, I got you little sis’, don’t even trip, mama ain’t sign that permission slip (you can’t go!)

One more thing
One one one more thing
One more
One one one more thing
Notice I said that with my middle finger

Fuck you!

Here Come The Mama With Her Babies

Can I go with you?
My clothes won’t do?
I went up to my room and changed like you told me to
I was singing “skirt skirt” from my favorite song
When I heard “skirt skirt” in real life, your car was gone
No, no, don’t go, I beat on the window
Yeah yeah to mama’s “there there” don’t lie to me like he did, tell me did you know, where you involved? yes or no?

My daddy played a trick on me, my daddy tricked me
It’s been 8 hours, tell me do you miss me?
My daddy played a trick on me, my daddy tricked me
It’s been 9 months, tell me do you miss me?
My daddy played a trick on me, my daddy tricked me
It’s been 18 years, do you even remember me?

Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z

Only big people can go?
But dad I’m not a little person no mo’
Come and see mama had to mark another line on the wall
She say I look like you,
And I act like you,
But why do I need to be big and tall like you when sitting on your shoulders will do?
Like to pretend I’m washing your hair while I’m up there
Making TV static noise, little sister looking like “hey, no fair”

Come on, come on, come on daddy
Come on, come on, come on daddy
Come on, come on, come on daddy
Catch up slow poke we leaving ya
Funny, he’s the one who ended up leaving us

Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z

Stay with me, play with me
I don’t want a new dad
Stay with me, play with me
I miss how we use to dance
Stay with me, play with me
Mama tell me “no” so loud
Stay with me, play with me
Daddy tell me “yes,” his voice way down
Stay with me
Play with me
Stay with me
Play with me
Stay with me
Play with me
Stay with me (stay with me)

I’ll Call Your Name When You Vacuum (WordPressident #14)

Image via @TheSims
I’m blowing text text text in bubbles,
They tell ya failure,
I’m in trouble,
Swimming 6 feet is a struggle,
Hasselhoff hustle hustle,
You say you, you know me
Blue-blue-blue, blue-blue-blue, blue-blue … blue
Mr. Blankman finish my sentence for me
Started with me wanting the boys to wonder, “Is her bikini bottom real?”
Ends with me finding out Bikini Bottom’s real
Hello, hell low
Sharks circling SquarePants is The Shape Of Water, acute
I am fibbing on the triangles and should octagon before they channel me into a mute
Turn it up mama your baby on TV blink at 182
When I go Down Under tell my little sister I went to Australia and when the water changes color tell my little brother I pee’d in the pool
I love you, you and you
And I promise I’ll see you all very soon
Next time you clean your room
I’ll call your name when you vacuüm
Whatever you do, don’t go looking for me in the front or you’ll be the one living in a vacuüm
Boom!
It’s not over until the fat lady sings
“In your Krispy Kreme dreams”
Boom boom room!

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋 🕊

 

Skeletons In My Closet who Took Forever to Get Ready

Broken hangers

Skeletons in my closet who took forever to get ready

About time they finally put on “oh this old thing” they were casket sharp

Let’s give a big hand to The Late Har-old L. Weak, ladies and gentlemen!

Now that goes for the cheer-ren too, let me get a little hand

We meant it when we said trying our Father’s thyme on some cal and deer was gonna have ya moving your seconds hand around like ya wanted to clock somebody

Ya got Sir Wallingford on his hands and knees with Tweety Bird, Twitter Bird, Bryan Williams’ Birdman, Michael Keaton’s Birdman flying around his head

And you on your damn hands and knees for a different reason, begging please, making my flesh crawl

Boy, if you don’t …


I lied down with a dog but I didn’t get up with fleas

I woke up with what I thought was a cold sweat then I realized the company I keep

6-week-old Rottweiler, Pitbull mix I call Darkman after my favorite rapper

Licks my face when I’m sleeping like a Behr to let me know it’s time to paint the town red

Grab my coat for the sure wind

More Benjamins ‘cause X likes to live Royal

Concealed my Ace’s hardware incase I have to make these jokers PPG and get Lowe

Damn if I take any longer to get ready X gonna give it to me and have my place looking like a Shih Tzu

And I’ll only be identified by the teeth of my skeleton key, the canine, on the way out that revolving door is gonna hit you