Tag Archives: blogging

“That Was Hard” (Staples Personality Test)

FADE IN

INT. TEMP OFFICE/PROSPECT HOME – DAY

TEMP AGENCY

Hello.

PROSPECT

Yeah, I’m calling to check the status of my drug test and Staples application.

TEMP AGENCY

Well, you passed the drug test, but you didn’t do so well on the Staples personality test.

PROSPECT (sighs)

  How many did I miss?

TEMP AGENCY

They don’t tell us. The results just come back approved or denied.

PROSPECT

Can I re-take it?

TEMP AGENCY

You have to wait 6 months to apply again, but we can help you find work with other companies in the mean-time.

PROSPECT

Long as they don’t require you to take some silly personality test. That’s my third one I failed. What in the world are they looking for?

TEMP AGENCY

We don’t know ourselves; test is full of trick questions.

Flashback to 4 days ago when Staples was reviewing the prospect’s test. 

INT. STAPLES HQ – DAY

STAPLES 1

What’s wrong, Johnson?

STAPLES 2

Well, I’m going over this applicant’s personality test. He answered all the questions how we wanted, except for one.

STAPLES 1

It’s probably one that doesn’t matter. What was the question?

STAPLES 2

“How important is it for you to have time outside of work?” The choices were “not important,” “somewhat important,” “important,” and “very important.” He chose, umm, THAT one.

STAPLES 1

What did you say?! You wait a got-damn minute, Johnson! Slow down! That son of a bitch thinks having a life outside of work is VERY important?!?!?!

STAPLES 2

Hmmhmm.

STAPLES 1

(smacks red button) DENIED!!!!!!!

STAPLES 2

Hey, what’s with the towel?

STAPLES 1

Oh, yeah, watch the men’s restroom door. Make sure no one comes in for the next 30, 35 minutes. I need to take a quick wash-up.

STAPLES 2

Yeah, sure thing, bud’.

FADE TO BLACK

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Shade But No Shade (Blog Wars #1)

If I’m going to die, my last activity will be doing something I love: writing. I’m an English Major, you know.

My name is UnKaren.

My boyfriend just kicked me out.

NYC is not cheap.

No, I don’t have family.

The money I saved from working retail was spent on a New York PATH subway car.

To save on fuel, I parked in the shade of a tree, but Jason-masked-Timberland-wearing thugs vrin vrin cut it down. This happened every time I found a new tree. Where is the lucky tree stump from the Apollo when you need it?

Consequently, I started searching for buildings to protect me from the shade, and each time, the first episode of my favorite TV show (can’t name one; I am a TV junkie) flew a paper plane into it.

So now here I am being exposed to the sun like I need some D!

I don’t wanna die this way. What did I do to deserve this?

I hear this swoosh sound in the sky and take cover because I’m thinking the first episodes of one of my favorite TV shows is about to start Wild-N-Out.

But it was a bear driving a blimp with its billboard sides saying, “Because you ignored your future.”

Then I start thinking about this blogger who I haven’t emailed back.

It’s been 10 minutes.

No, not since I emailed him.

That’s been forever!

I mean how long I’ve sat in the sun.

This lady on the outside approaches my vehicle. She opens the door and hands me a one hundred-dollar bill and says, “You have just won the hot kar challenge.” To show my commitment to NOT ignoring people anymore, I grabbed the $100 and walked to the back of my subway and gave it to this woman wearing this gray hoodie, shades, backpack, soulja girl scarf, and who was singing Home from “The Wiz.” 

Sheeeeee looks like she needs it more than I do!

The Retaliation

Titles to upcoming posts:

Suddenly, Life Happened … (blog wars #2)

Closed Curtains

K

Anonymous Blogging Gone Wrong: Drunk Woman Reveals the Rest of the Letters in her Boyfriend’s Name (And Shows Pic)

Screenshot of Futuristically Yours homepage

A woman who was once making $10,000 a month from her anonymous blog is now making 17 cents per month after a fan exposed her lie in a revealing photo.

Kadence, formerly known as K, woke up March 30th in the afternoon with a severe headache. She had a hang-over. The vile smell coming from her blouse confirmed it. But she was confused. The reason for her drinking was lying next to her in bed, Jasper, formerly known as J. Her boyfriend. Did they instantly make-up after their bad fight last night?

“I was trying to collect my thoughts. I look across the room and see two things an author of an anonymous blog never wants to see sitting RIGHT next to each other: A bottle of Tequila and a laptop,” wrote Kadence in a post titled, IWasDrunk, and ANGRY, and Stoopid … and Blogging. She wrote, “I jumped out of bed in a panic, run to the computer and start shaking it. Then I realized this isn’t a little sister whose in a deep-sleep and is about to be late for school. It’s a touch-sensitive machine. I slide my finger across the trackpad and couldn’t believe my eyes. The man who was laying in my bed was on my computer screen. I deleted the post and kicked him out my apartment half-naked.”

But it was too late.

Despite the scathing 2,000 word post being published at 3AM it was shared on Facebook 83 times, on Twitter 27 times, and had 78 comments. One follower replied, “When I saw the preview of the post in my email I thought the pic was an advertisement from Google. But when I clicked the ‘read more‘ link and saw the same pic I still thought it was an advertisement, as K has lots of them on her blog. Out of a thousand-something posts with no images it just had to be. However, when I read the post I was shocked to find out that was the protagonist of her posts. He wasn’t a faceless letter anymore. He had a picture and a name.”

For the next 3 weeks Kadence would unsuccessfully try to turn her anonymous blog into a “regular” one, but fans clamored that she lost her writing edge because she didn’t want to offend Jasper, who she reconciled with and knew was reading her blog now. They threatened to take their traffic elsewhere. Realizing she never posted her own photo or revealed the rest of the letters in her name during the blog transformation and could go anonymous again, she did so. In her first anonymous post back, she claimed, “I broke up with Jasper, formerly known as J, and found me a new beau, K. I know, right! We’re twinees! But ladies … he is an A in bed. OMG!” She goes on to detail her reasons for breaking up with Jasper, saying he punched her.

The renewed anonymous blog thrived. Traffic peaked in the month of June with a million site visits. Advertising revenue was going through the roof. Fans was leaving comments, saying her posts were “better than ever.”

Then …

A fan, Hans Reznor, saw Jasper in public with some girl.

“I was at the movies, standing in line, and saw this dude who looked familiar. I  tried recalling where I knew him from. Suddenly, I got a comment notification from one of my friends on K’s blog AND THEN IT HIT ME! I looked in my gallery. I had saved J’s pic on my phone. I kept looking at my phone, looking at him, looking at my phone, looking at him. IT WAS J! And I just assumed the girl he was with was his NEW girlfriend. Then out of nowhere, a girl who I haven’t talked to in a whole freaking year texts me. AND THEN IT  HIT ME AGAIN! What if the girl who J is standing with is K?!?! I had no way of knowing because I didn’t know what she looked like. She never posted a pic. I had to think of something quick because the line was moving. I kept shouting out the letter K but left pauses in-between because some black people was standing behind me. The girl J was with kept looking back. But that could have just been a coincidence. Then right when I’m about to lose them to the movie theater it happened. When Jasper and the girl was at the counter paying for the movie, the lady at the register looked at the girl’s card and ID and said, ‘I got a sister named Kadence.’ BOOM! I whipped out my phone, snapped a good clear picture of them together, and ran home. I didn’t even want to see The Purge no more.”

Reznor posted the picture on Facebook, Twitter, and in the comment section of Kadence’s most recent posts. Fans were outraged and felt a sense of betrayal. They rallied on social media and promised to fulfill their earlier threat of taking their traffic elsewhere.Within a month JKDoesntStandForJustKidding.com was doing 24 views a day.A far cry from the 250,000 monthly visits Kadence was averaging.

In a post titled, I Should’ve Waited ‘Til It Came Out On DVD she wrote,

“For the first time in 6 years I am looking for a job. A job I know I will hate. A job that will make me hate Monday’s. A job with rats and robots. A job I may very well be at forever BECAUSE YOU SON OF BITCHES TOOK THE JOB I LOVE AWAY FROM ME! I WISH I KNEW WHO YOU ALL WERE SO WHEN THE PURGE BECOMES REAL I CAN KILL Y’ALL UGLY ASSES! I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Who’s going to read it? My mom?! Fuck her!!! My damn boyfriend rubbed more salt on my wounds by breaking up with me. FOR REAL THIS TIME YOU BASTARDS!”

In a surprising twist of events, Jasper has started his own blog, JStandsForJealousy, and reveals he masterminded the whole thing. On the About page he wrote,

You may know my ex-girlfriend, Kadence, formerly known as K. She had one of the most popular anonymous blogs on the internet, which brought in thousands of dollars in advertising revenue. Here I am working a crap job while she gets to sit home and write for a living. I was jealous. I had my own little blog on WordPress that no one gave a damn about. I asked Kadence, who has a degree in marketing, could she help me with it and she claimed she didn’t know anything about marketing a blog. She lied to me to cover up she had a widely successful blog, of which I was the star of. That’s why I don’t feel remorse about my actions. That night we had our argument, a slip of the tongue revealed she had some big, popular blog. I pretended to not hear what she said and changed the subject of the arguing. She never got drunk. It was me. I set it all up. While she slept I spilled alcohol on her blouse. I gave her the headache by kicking her out of bed and making her hit her head on the floor. She was a deep-sleeper. I positioned the Tequila next to her lap-top. I knew all her passwords. She used the same one for each account. So, all I had to do was go to each blogging platform and type it in until one worked. Once it became clear to me that I was the star these people were coming to this site to read about I wanted more control. All of these posts talked about how bad I was in bed and her adventures with other men because of it infuriated me. I wanted revenge. I wanted the proper representation. So, I wrote a post about me. Nothing really changed. I talked bad about myself like she would have done. I can be self-deprecating. But I made it look like she was so plastered while she was writing, she addressed me by my name and showed off embarrassing pics of me. It was believable. And that fan that saw us in public? A friend of mines she never met. She didn’t even want to go to the movies that night. I had to drag her to the theater. She lied to y’all about how bad I was in bed so women will stay away from me and men would laugh at me. She lied about us breaking up and her dating a new letter so she could profit off the traffic you provided her. Well, to the people who have been deceived in the blogging community, I present my truth. A face with a name. This is my story in my own words. This is my jealousy.

JStandsForJealousy.com has been viewed 157,372 times since it was started 2 weeks ago.

Built on top:

  • Wanting to write a sequel to this

What topics would you blog about if you had an anonymous blog and wouldn’t be held accountable for?

Who Burnt The Popcorn Again?!

Remember Burnt Popcorn?

Well, I’m expanding on the idea.

For the future-selves who know their present-self hate reading and are more visually inclined, they can do video-self-letters.

Authors can either do videos for their previously written letters or videos with brand new material.

Videos shouldn’t be longer than 5 minutes.

Different presentation, same concept.

Lights. Camera. Action.

Futuristically yours,

Har+new