Tag Archives: children

Picture People As Babies To Control Your Anger

Hey Har-old, future father of the year, you know how they say you should imagine a audience naked when giving a presentation to relieve nervousness? Well, what about when you’re mad at them, upset, angry, and your inner serial killer is inspired? I got something for you … Imagine them as babies! Children make you smile, right? Happy, huh? All playful, say? Okay, put this in practice. Next time someone tries you, picture them as kids in your mind and all that bloo bloo blah blah is really goo goo dada. Try it!

Remember you can’t control people and their actions but you can control YOU AND YOUR REACTION. React to a “grown-up” as you would to a toddler. Then they can do no wrong. You can’t go wrong. This visualization is key to mastering your emotions 🙂

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Lil’ Kim Plastic Surgeon Wants To Deliver Baby

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Chelsea Lauren/Getty Images

Grammy-award winning rapper Lil’ Kim modeled a baby bump in her sparkly skin-tight dress during Mac Cosmetics and The Blonds Fashion Week after-party in New York City on February 12th.

“I’m so excited! I’m a few months along. I can’t wait to be a mom!” Lil’ Kim told US Weekly.

The congratulatory messages have been pouring in from celeb friends. Singer Tamar Braxton, who welcomed her first child, son Logan Herbert, tweeted, “Awwwww congrats @LilKim on your little one.”

Lil’ Kim’s best friend of 20 years, Jennifer Dalton (Real Housewives Of New Jersey), has been helping her with veggie pizza cravings, collect ideas for a “sick nursery,” and fluffing pillows to help her sleep comfortably. “All you see is Lil’ Kim in the fetal position with pillows everywhere. It’s very cute!”

Mr. Papers, the self-proclaimed baby-daddy revealed the gender of the baby to be a boy, something the 38 year old “Lighters Up” rapper wanted to save for a reality show in the works with VH1. “He gon’ be a gemini though, but I don’t wanna give you all the information, ya heard? He gon’ be a gemini.”

But the surprising helping hand that has everyone buzzing is from Dr. Garo Kassabian of Lift MD Aesthetics Beverly Hills, Lil’ Kim’s plastic surgeon for over an decade. The celebrity doctor said he wants to help deliver the baby. When asked why, he had the following to say:

I don’t want to actually deliver the baby. That’s not my practice. I just need to be there to calm her down when she sees the baby looks absolutely nothing like her. I don’t want her to drop the baby on its head screaming for a maternity test. My presence is just a friendly reminder of different face after different face after different face. You remember when she criticized Naturi Naughton for being too ‘dark-skin’ to portray her in the Biggie movie? Well what kind of whining you think she gone do when she sees the REAL Lil’ Kim again? She gone be crying louder than that baby!

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•Vlad TV comment

Do you think he is the right choice to deliver the baby?

Where Do Babies Come From?

Based on a future story

 

Lyric – Daddee, will I be tall like you and mommee?
Harnew – Yeah, when *censored* comes. You know what that is?
Lyric – My birthdayyyyy!
Harnew – You so smart!
Lyric – But I don’t wanna be tall. *pouts*
Harnew – Why?
Lyric – Cause when I get big you and mommee won’t pick me up no more. I don’t like walking.
Harnew – Haha. You gotta pick us up then.
Lyric – Daddee, why that man talk funny?
Harnew – We speak English. He’s speaking Spanish. One day you will learn how to speak another language too and talk funny.
Lyric – Daddee, why we don’t have 2 mouths? We 2 ears.
Harnew – Because you are suppose to listen twice as much as you talk.
Lyric – Daddee, why is water wet?
Harnew – *secretly checks Google* Uhhh … so we can swim in it. Don’t you like going swimming?
Lyric – Yayyyy!

Next day

Harnew – You’re awfully quiet back there, sweetie. You okay?
Lyric – I don’t want make you mad.
Harnew – Make me mad? How you gone make me mad?
Lyric – I don’t wanna ask lot of questions.
Harnew – Aww! Why not, princess?
Lyric – Cause you gone get mad at me and spank me. It hurt.
Harnew – That’s mean! Why you say that???
Lyric – When I was over Lia’s house, her mommee got mad at her for asking lot of questions.
Harnew – Aww! I’m sorry to hear that. But Lyric, honey, you and Lia don’t have the same mom. *Censored* is your mom and I’m your dad.
Lyric – O-tay.
Harnew – Remember what daddy told you yesterday about why you have 2 ears and 1 mouth?
Lyric – Bee … cause you suppose to listen twice as much as you talk? Am I right?
Harnew – That’s right, princess. Now I want you to listen to daddy carefully, okay?
Lyric – O-tay.
Harnew – You’re 4 years old and kids your age like to ask a lot of questions because learning is fun and they want to know more about the world we’re living in. You have a very curious nature I want you to keep. When people get tall, they ask less questions and make more statements because they think they know it all. Learning has gotten boring to them. I don’t want you and your baby brother to get like that when you get tall like mommy and daddee. I want you to have a questioning attitude in life, a habit of demanding and weighing evidence. Like a scientist. Question everything and everyone, including mommy and daddy. We’re not always right. Challenge us! No question is silly or stupid. I don’t care what you ask me. We will try our very very best to answer it. Now pinky promise me you will ask me a million bajillion questions. *extends pinky*
Lyric – *grabs pinky* I promise.
Harnew – Now give daddy a kissy.
Lyric – *Muah*
Harnew – I love you!
Lyric – I love you more, daddee.
Harnew – *eyes water up* Aww! You gone make me cry.
Lyric – Noooo. Don’t cry, daddee. It be ok.
Harnew – Okay. I’ll be strong for you. *kisses forehead* You gotta be up bright and early in the morning for school so it’s time for bed, okay.
Lyric – Okay. Can I ask you one question before bed time?
Harnew – Go!
Lyric – Where do babies come from?
Harnew – *thinks to self* Oh, dear!

The end

How I Became Homeless (The Crack Story)

Based on true story

 

Maurice – If you love me, you will do it.
Vicki – … Okay.
Maurice – Here.
Vicki – *smokes the crack*

3 weeks later …

ACS – We have a report that you’ve been selling drugs from your apartment.
Vicki – What?! I’ve never sold drugs!
ACS – Well, are you buying them?
Vicki – Okay, I’m getting high, but I never sold drugs!
ACS – Do you have somewhere for your children to go? They can’t stay here!
Vicki – No, I don’t.
ACS – Well, they will have to live with a foster family.
Vicki – Noooooooo!

9 weeks later …

Agent – Alright! Time’s up!
Maurice – Come on, man! Let us get like 10 more minutes with our kids.
Agent – Time’s up! Sorry.
Vicki – We can only see them once a week. Give us some more time. Please!
Agent – I’m sorry!
Foster Dad – *pulls Maurice to side and whispers* That 12 year old daughter of yours … great piece of ass!
Maurice – *swings at Foster Dad*
Agent – Get off him! Stop! Call security! What the hell are you doing? Call security!
Maurice – Arrest this man! He’s molesting my damn daughter!
Foster Dad – You see what that crack has him doing? He’s violent! Keep him back.
Agent – Stay back, Maurice!
Foster Dad – I’m gonna teach your daughter how to be a real woman! *winks at Maurice*

3 days later …

TV Commercial – It’s 10PM. Do you know where your children are?
Maurice – *thinks of the foster family home* Change the channel, baby. You know what, I don’t wanna watch tv anymore. Wanna get high?
Vicki – I thought you would never ask.

Later that night …

Maurice – Noooooo!
Vicki – Baby, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!
Maurice – I gotta get my babies back!

15 months later …

Vicki – What’s wrong with my key? *knocks on door*
Maurice – *opens door* Hey.
Vicki – *tries to put foot in door*
Maurice – *blocks foot*
Vicki – What are you doing? Let me in!

*kids in the background playing*

Vicki – Oh my God! Am I hearing things or is that junior I hear laughing?
Maurice – … Yes.
Vicki – You got our kids back??? Oh my God! What did you do? You took them?
Maurice – I have a secret.
Vicki – I won’t tell you took them. Let me in. I wanna see my babies!
Maurice – I can’t, Vicki. Listen.
Vicki – What???
Maurice – I have secretly been attending a residential drug prevention program and I graduated 2 weeks ago.
Vicki – Why you never told me this????
Maurice – Because I thought I would fail anyway so it didn’t make sense to. Somehow, I got over my crack addition and …
Vicki – And what???
Maurice – They gave me back custody of the kids.
Vicki – Yesssss! Oh my God! Oh my God! Yesssss! Let me see my babies! *puts foot in door*
Maurice – *blocks foot* Me!
Vicki – You, what?
Maurice – The case workers don’t want you around the kids. You’re still addicted to crack.
Vicki – What?!
Maurice – I changed the locks. I have to kick you out.
Vicki – What?!
Maurice – They’re forcing me to! They said if I let you around the kids, they will go back to that foster family. They probably got someone watching the house. Cameras or something. You have to leave. Now!
Vicki – You’re the fucking reason why I’m on crack in the first place. I can’t get off of it. I’m addicted. YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! How could you??? *cries* Let me in this damn house, Maurice. Let me see my babies! Please! If you love me, you will do it! Remember that?
Maurice – I do! But I’m not in love with THIS you! *slams door in her face*

How To Stop Your Baby From Crying In The Middle Of The Night

Craig: Damn, Mike, you look like shit! Didn’t get enough sleep last night?
Mike: No!
Craig: Why not, man?
Mike: My 11th month old son don’t know how to tell time. Woke up in the middle of the night, around 3AM crying uncontrollably. About time he stopped, it was time for work.
Craig: Haha. I use to have that problem.
Mike: Use to? What you do?
Craig: I got that little bastard a job on 1st shift so he could see how it felt to have somewhere to be in the morning.
Mike: You know what, Craig? That don’t sound like a bad idea!

Next scene …

Baby: *Working the assembly line* *pounding fist in disgust* Ooooh I’ma get him!

2 days later …

Craig: You’re glowing! Where you get all this energy from? Looks like someone took my advice.
Mike: Aww yeah, man! That little bastard knows how to tell time now. He’s been sleeping like a baby! Haha. No more crying in the middle of the night. Ahhh! Just peace and quiet. He even go to bed before I do now. Haha.

One week later …

Mike: Son, son, I took some bad pills. You have to keep me up all night long. If I fall asleep, I may die.
Baby: Ho-ho-ho-hoooo I have to keep you up??? Say what, now?! You lost that privilege, daddy-yo! *pounding fist in disgust* You got me this punk ass job, at this punk ass warehouse, working 12 punk ass hour days. I’m 11 *bleep* months, dad!!! This is child abuse!!! They got me bending, twisting, using my body all kind of ways. I haven’t did this much moving since I was in the stomach. They got me lifting 50 pound boxes! That’s 40 pounds more than me, father of the year!!!
Mike: Please, son! I need your help! Please! You have to keep me up or I will die. I took the whole bottle of pills. Please, son! You have to cry!
Baby: I hate my job, dad! I don’t know my ABC’s but I know how to tell the damn time!
Mike: Please, son! Don’t you want to grow up with a father?
Baby: *pounding fist in disgust* I come home and don’t have time to do NOTHING! No play dates! No cartoons! I can’t even read and learn how to walk. NOTHING! I’m always tired! My childhood is ruined. You couldn’t wait ’til I was 5?
Mike: I’m your father! You have to …
Baby: Will you shut up? I have somewhere to be in the morning.
Mike: *cries*
Baby: Ho-ho-ho-hooooo now you wanna keep me up, huh. 

Teen Spends 3 Days In Jail For Peeing In Public As Baby

I'll kick his ass!
I’ll kick his ass! (Image via Twitter)

15 years ago, Mallory Robboy was taking a walk with her 3-year-old when he told her he had to pee. Without a restroom or person in sight, she told him to just “make pee in grassy.” A police officer who was staking out the area saw the infraction and told her she had 2 choices: Pay a $2,000 fine or sometime during the age of 18 her son has to spend 3 days in jail. Financially strapped, she chose the latter. “It was the worst decision I ever made in my life,” the Alabama mom said. Robboy said she managed to block out her embarrassing decision for the last decade but on her son’s 18th birthday the nightmarish thought came back to haunt her: “At some point during the age of 18 I have to tell him he has to spend 3 days in jail for a bad decision I made when he was 3. What makes it worst is he’s never been to jail. He’s a good kid.” Robboy said the most tear jerker of all is she purposely tried to distance herself from her son over the years. “I tried to raise him up hard so he won’t become a momma’s boy. I figured if he expected a certain type of behavior from me then him going to jail because of me won’t hurt as much.” But it will, because despite her attempts of trying to distance herself from her son, Marshall Robboy, he’s a momma’s boy. Contributing to this is she’s a single parent and Marshall doesn’t have a father to run to when mommy mean. He only has her.

However, there’s a bright side.

Ms. Robboy said the only reason this happened in the first place is because she was financially strapped. “I became motivated to get rich so I would never be in that situation again. Ever since that day I’ve overcompensated for my bad decision.” However, although, Ms. Robboy is a millionaire now, it won’t do her and Marshall any good. She can’t bail him out. She can’t put him on house arrest. She can’t fight it. Her son has to spend 3 days in jail regardless. That was the deal made with the Alabama Police Department 15 years ago, sadly.

It’s April 27th 2013. Marshall’s 19th birthday is May 30th. Ms. Robboy has up until May 27th to turn her son in. We can only imagine how she will break this to him … and how he will take it 😦

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How do you think Marshall will take this news?