Tag Archives: comedy

Nanowrimo Challenge (Post A Day): You Are What You Eat

  • TITLE: You are what you eat
  • LENGTH: 30 sec – 1 min
  • PRODUCT: Whopper
  • WRITER: Har+new

This is a dual column screenplay where the description of the action would be on the left and the dialogue on the right, but since I don’t have that feature (some plug-in) in my post editor so I’m going to utilize the horizontal line.

VISUAL

Two men pull out chairs from a dining table.


AUDIO

“You mind sitting in the next seat.”

“You act as if I’m sitting in the next seat and not the one across from you.”

“Well, I would rather you sit in the next seat than the one directly in from of me because then your bright red hair wouldn’t be blocking my view and those clown feet wouldn’t be stepping on mines.”

“Whatever, dude!”


VISUAL

As both men are sitting down, a server brings them their food on trays.


AUDIO

“Dude, you ordered 6 cheeseburgers?! You better chill. You know you are what you eat with each bite, right?”

“I know.”


VISUAL

Second man unwraps one of his sandwiches and it is revealed to be BURGER KING in a red bubbly font between two shiny buns (the logo). After he takes his first bite the server puts a royal robe over his shoulders. After he takes his 2nd bite the server puts a crown on his head. After 3rd bite the server pulls up a throne. As the man sits in his new seat and is about to take the 4th bite, the server, who is a woman, snatches the sandwich out his hand.  The server sits in the chair next to him and starts feeding and fanning him with her hand. After watching all of this in confusion, the second man runs back to the counter.


AUDIO

“Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our …”

“Shut up and take my money! I want everything on the menu!”

“Sir, are you sure? You know you are what you eat, right?”


VISUAL

The man turns his head, looking back at his table where the server is still feeding his friend.


AUDIO

“I knowwwwwww.”

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Police Looking For Shoplifters Using Celebrity Names To Steal Your Shopping Bags

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LOS ANGELES — Undercover police are posing as tourists walking the streets of LA this week to catch a new wave of shoplifters the media is dubbing  The Made You Looks. So far, 6 victims, all out-of-towners, have come forward describing their unorthodox techniques. “I was coming out the store and this guy walks up to me and points behind me yelling ‘Cole from the Martin show.’ When I turned around to see, he punches me, knocks me to the ground, snatches my Hugo Boss bag out my left hand and runs,” said, 27 year old Kansas resident Clarke Crowe, who was visiting family in Culver City. Initially baffled by the thieves unconventional ruse, the LAPD got a break in the case when Detective Lesane Wallace picked up on the commonality in the entertainers they used to distract their unsuspecting victims: They were all D-List celebrities. “David Alan Grier, Dustin Diamond, Kathy Griffin, Carrot Top, and Carmen Electra have been the head-turners. This gang is smart. They know if they were to shout a Beyonce, a Will Smith name, people would be less likely to look because everyone knows A-List celebs do not go out in public without some sort of disguise on,” said Wallace.

Until The Made You Looks are apprehended, the LAPD has put D to Z list celebrities on house arrest so their fans are aware of the suspicious activities of anyone screaming their names on the streets of LA.

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How To Stop Your Baby From Crying In The Middle Of The Night

Craig: Damn, Mike, you look like shit! Didn’t get enough sleep last night?
Mike: No!
Craig: Why not, man?
Mike: My 11th month old son don’t know how to tell time. Woke up in the middle of the night, around 3AM crying uncontrollably. About time he stopped, it was time for work.
Craig: Haha. I use to have that problem.
Mike: Use to? What you do?
Craig: I got that little bastard a job on 1st shift so he could see how it felt to have somewhere to be in the morning.
Mike: You know what, Craig? That don’t sound like a bad idea!

Next scene …

Baby: *Working the assembly line* *pounding fist in disgust* Ooooh I’ma get him!

2 days later …

Craig: You’re glowing! Where you get all this energy from? Looks like someone took my advice.
Mike: Aww yeah, man! That little bastard knows how to tell time now. He’s been sleeping like a baby! Haha. No more crying in the middle of the night. Ahhh! Just peace and quiet. He even go to bed before I do now. Haha.

One week later …

Mike: Son, son, I took some bad pills. You have to keep me up all night long. If I fall asleep, I may die.
Baby: Ho-ho-ho-hoooo I have to keep you up??? Say what, now?! You lost that privilege, daddy-yo! *pounding fist in disgust* You got me this punk ass job, at this punk ass warehouse, working 12 punk ass hour days. I’m 11 *bleep* months, dad!!! This is child abuse!!! They got me bending, twisting, using my body all kind of ways. I haven’t did this much moving since I was in the stomach. They got me lifting 50 pound boxes! That’s 40 pounds more than me, father of the year!!!
Mike: Please, son! I need your help! Please! You have to keep me up or I will die. I took the whole bottle of pills. Please, son! You have to cry!
Baby: I hate my job, dad! I don’t know my ABC’s but I know how to tell the damn time!
Mike: Please, son! Don’t you want to grow up with a father?
Baby: *pounding fist in disgust* I come home and don’t have time to do NOTHING! No play dates! No cartoons! I can’t even read and learn how to walk. NOTHING! I’m always tired! My childhood is ruined. You couldn’t wait ’til I was 5?
Mike: I’m your father! You have to …
Baby: Will you shut up? I have somewhere to be in the morning.
Mike: *cries*
Baby: Ho-ho-ho-hooooo now you wanna keep me up, huh. 

When Breathing Hard In The Gym Goes Wrong (Are You Having Sex While We On The Phone?)

Based on a true story … kind of.

One month earlier …

Max: *fist-pounding in disgust* I got trust issues when it comes to these *bleep*. She ratchetttt!
Joey: What you talking about?
Max: Man, you haven’t seen that video of this girl talking to her boyfriend on the phone while having sex with another dude … while 3 other dudes waiting they turn?
Joey: What?!
Max: It’s all on WorldStar. I masturbated to that *bleep* with a frown on my face. These *bleep* disgust me!

10 minutes later …

Joey: Yooooo! I just saw that video! How he didn’t know she was doing something?
Max: Obviously, he hasn’t been dating her long. Don’t know the variety in her voice. Her normal voice, her white people voice, her freaky voice. Breathing hard should’ve gave it away. Damn fool. He deserve it.

Present day …

Max: *talking to self* Yes, thank God! Nobody on the treadmill. *looks around* Oh snap! I got the whole gym to myself. Yeah! Now I can finally stretch before I work out.

5 minutes later …

Max: *sitting down, doing hamstring stretches* *thinking to self* Almost done … damn! This *bleep* just walked in here and went straight for the treadmill. Ugh! Well, she fat, she won’t be on it long. 3 minutes tops! Haha.

25 minutes later …

Max: *thinking to self* I wish this *bleep* would leave! All this unwanted time I spent in hurr. I was gone stretch for a few minutes, run 30, and be out. 40 minutes tops! I’m in this *bleep* pretending I’m enjoying lifting these weights. My *bleep* arms hurt.

18 minutes later …

Max: *thinking to self* I’m mad as *bleep*. I’m about to go. Knew I shouldn’t have stretched. What’s that noise? Her phone ringing.
Girl: *puts it on speaker*
Person on phone: Hello, hello, hello, wifey?
Girl: *breathing hard* Let me, let me catch my …
Max: *thinking to self* Wifey? I know what I’m about to do … *yells out-loud* SHE TRYING TO CATCH THESE BALLS! WE HAVING SEX! WE HAVING SEX! OH, BABY! YEAHHHHH! OH MY GOD!
Girl: *struggling to take it off speaker because her fingers are moist due to sweat* Oh my God! Shut up, boy!
Max: *Moaning* THIS THE BEST I EVER HAD! WE HAVING SEX! YOU AIN’T HANDLING YOUR BUSINESS IN THE BEDROOM HOMIE! SHE WANT A REAL MAN! GIVE IT TO ME GIRL! SHE CHEATING ON YOU! *runs out gym*

Next day …

Joey: *shaking head in disgust*
Max: What’s wrong, big homie?
Joey: I’m about to be on WorldStar, dog.
Max: You got your ass beat?
Joey: Nah. I called my girl yesterday while she was having sex with another dude and this *bleep* picked up the phone so I could hear it. Dude voice sounded familiar too.
Max: *breathing hard* That … that … let me catch my balls, BREATH, BREATH. I said breath! That was YOUR girl?!
Joey: *slowly takes his palm off his face, looks up, slowly turns head, twists lips like Marlon Wayans in Don’t Be A Menace* What you mean THAT was my girl?!

Cooling Solutions Checklist

Heat

REQUIRED ITEMS:

  • Fridge/Freezer, Fan, Summer clothing, Electricity (a lot), Money for Electricity, Water, Ice packs.

DIRECTIONS:

COMBINE FRIDGE, FAN AND ICE PACKS – PLUG IN BOTH ITEMS PLACING ICE PACKS BEHIND FAN.

TIE RIBBONS TO FAN JUST TO MAKE SURE ITS WORKING.

COMBINE ICE PACKS AND WATER

COMBINE SUMMER CLOTHES AND YOU (I.E. PUT THEM ON)

STAND IN FRONT OF OPEN FREEZER/FRIDGE AND BECOME ONE WITH THE POPSICLES.

PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL WITH AN OPEN MIND.

IGNORE CHEESE.