Tag Archives: creative ridiculousness

EMTs Jump Man Who Thought Rapper DMX Was Being Jumped

Suits bed

Three emergency medical technicians were fined $500 and placed on a year’s probation by a New York judge for their role in jumping a passerby who mistakenly thought they were jumping 45-year-old Earl Simmons, the rapper known as DMX.

Simmons was found unconscious and without a pulse in a parking lot outside a Chinese restaurant. “As I was taking out the trash I hear a loud bark. I turn around and see this dog. It just drops on its back as if playing dead. I thought to myself, ‘oh this is too easy,’ said Sum Ting Wong, the restaurant’s cook. I pull out me trusty Katana Soultaker sword and make my move. The dog jumps up and gives me a chase. It led me to this black guy lying next to a chariot sitting on 28 inches. I call police.”

While the EMT’s were trying to resuscitate Simmons, a passerby, 23-year-old Troi Casey, mistook the exertion of defibrillators for punches. “I didn’t know that was DMX on the ground. I couldn’t see who the person was because the guys in blue was covering up the action. I just saw elbows going up and down. It was 3 on 1 so I decided to even the odds 3 to 2.”

Technically, it was 3 on 3 as nearby witnesses recount Casey grabbing Sum Ting Wong’s Katana Soultaker sword. “One of the EMT’s turns around and see the dude charging at them with the knife and did this Holly Holm roundhouse kick to knock it out his hand. Then what followed was of the greatest mob attacks since the ending of Godfather 2,” said one of the spectators.

Judge Donald Pearl said in a New York courtroom on Friday while it was acceptable for the EMT’s to defend themselves, the basis of the fine and probation stemmed from neither EMT performing CPR after Casey lost consciousness himself. To which one of the defendants replied, “But your honor we already broke a couple of ribs.”

Built atop:

What’s your favorite DMX song?

Watch: Political Protestor Ran Over By Bus On Live TV After Interrupting News Reporter

ESPN suspends the smile of Doug Glanville for 90 days when  the color analyst appeared to laugh at Luke Walsh, the seventeen-year-old who put Katt Williams in an unlocked choke hold yesterday, after a bus plowed into him.

Following the Tampa Bay Rays 4-1 victory over the Cuban National Team this past Tuesday, ESPN cut to Bob Ley, who was broadcasting live in Havana. As Ley was trying to reiterate President Obama’s “much more than a baseball game” he was video-bombed by Walsh.

After taking a swing at Walsh’s abdomen, Ley said, “Well Lindsey, this was about more than just, more than just, more than just … we have a moment here with a political demonstration on our set,” he said, while swiftly moving off camera to the left and “so let me throw it back now to the studio.”

As Walsh was shouting “ABAJO LOS CASTRO, LIBERTAD PARA CUBA” (“Down with the Castros. Liberty for Cuba.”) and tossing pamphlets in the air that called for reforms in Cuban law to allow rights and liberties, and amnesty for political prisoners, he lost his footing on the platform and fell into the streets, where a bus was coming full-speed ahead. “It was too late to stop,” said the driver. You can see Walsh throwing up multiple peace signs while underneath the bus tires, either saying goodbye or continuing his demonstration while 30,000 pounds of steel was weighing on his mind. Miraculously, it wasn’t the former, as Walsh survived, but within 45 seconds, plainclothes policemen had packed him and 5 other dissidents into a marked car.

When the camera cuts back to the commentators, Eduardo Perez was in the back confused, Doug Glanville was in the middle laughing, and Karl Ravech upfront said, “Well the safety of Bob Ley is obviously the most important …” before the audio gave out.

Warning: This video has graphic content that may be upsetting. Watch at one’s peril.

Built atop:

  • A YouTube comment
  • The “striking” resemblance of the protester and Luke Walsh.

Does that background look fake to you?

 

 

Affluenza: Catching The Flu On Purpose For $30,000 

(AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)
(AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)

What would you do for money?
Would you catch the flu up your nose on purpose if scientists threw $3,000 aaaaatchooooo?
If you said “yes” like Daniel Bennet because that amount is nothing to sneeze at.
You have to understand why those who said “no” like Ted Mavros are the ones getting the God blessed you’s.

“I received a very scolding email from my mother,” Bennet, 26, said about signing up to be affected with the flu back in 2014. “Their standards are so high,” he said of the National Institutes of Health (NIH). “I don’t believe I’m in danger. I don’t get sick that often.” Meanwhile, Mavros, 29, who was also interested in volunteering around that time let an idea prevent him from signing his name on the dotted line. “There are too many cheap people on this planet. Just think how much the medical industry makes. I would absolutely not sign up for less than 30 grand. And you should not either. If they didn’t have any subject, they wouldn’t have any choice but raise the price – or not have any testers. But most of you sell out too fast,” Mavros said on January 30, 2014.

Mr. Mavros must’ve seen the future because after struggling for almost 5 years to recruit 2,000 participants for their influenza challenge study, the NIH added another zero to their original incentive. Expectedly, the organization received over a million entries a mere  3 hours after their announcement. “We chose our volunteers carefully. You have to be healthy, not older than 50 years old, not an habitual smoker,” said Matthew Memoli, the NIH doctor leading the study. However, critics say “have a six-figure job” was a hidden inclusion criteria after the application details of the chosen 2,000 was leaked on the Internet. The lowest annual salary on the list is 85,123. Anonymous, the international hacktivist group, has threatened to launch a distributed denial of service (DDoS) attack on NIH.gov if the institution doesn’t include more financially deserving volunteers. “30,000? I don’t make that in a year. To make that in a month would’ve made my year and 2016 just begun, ” said Terry Engram, 34, the head of a 5 member family.

Mr. Engram is referring to being holed up in quarantine for at least 30 days under the surveillance of researchers; 3 weeks more than the 9 days volunteers had to spend inside a special isolation ward at the NIH hospital in 2014. “Vaccines are working, but we could do better,” said Dr. Memoli in his quest to produce a more effective inoculation, which is why thousands who said they already had the flu were excluded because scientists need to know how the immune system reacts through each step of infection, starting with first exposure. “How the body fends off influenza remains somewhat a mystery to the medical field,” said Dr. Memoli.

Although, the statistics on influenza-related deaths are questionable, Dr. Memoli knows a credible threat exists, which is why he chose a dose that produces mild to moderate symptoms. “It will taste salty. Some will drip down the back of your throat,” Dr. Memoli said, before squeezing a syringe filled with millions of microscopic virus particles, floating in salt water, into each nostril of another doctor, the most notable volunteer, G. Dick Miller, the defense-called psychologist who used the term “affluenza” in the troubling case of Ethan Couch, the 16-year-old who avoided prison time for killing four people in a drunken-driving crash in summer 2013.

When Dr. Miller was released into the recreation area within the clinic and FYTV News asked, “If you could describe this challenge study in one word, what would it be?” Treating the question with disdain because he knew what the reporter was up to, Dr. Miller replied, “I don’t have time for this bullshit” then went back to playing frisbee with cow dung.

As of writing, the National Institutes of Health hasn’t addressed the Anonymous threat.

Built atop:

Would you catch the flu up your nose on purpose if scientists threw $3,000 aaaaatchooooo?

Why Residents of Paper Thin Walled Apartments Don’t Follow the “Love Thy Neighbor” Commandment

Frozen lasagna in the window
I can’t believe Stouffers is calling this the “family size.” When I bought this on the 1st the box was bigger. Then when I went back 9 days later I only saw this box. I ended up buying 2 just to equal the original box’s size. That cost me 8 more dollars! What the hell, Stouffers?!

 

“If I was closer to the noise, I would have done something else,” said William Gonzalez, the Pittsburgh man who unknowingly saved his neighbor’s baby from starvation with his girlfriend’s bad cooking after its mother died of a drug overdose.

Conjectures about the “something else” is knocking on the door instead of hurling breakfast burritos at the window, which was cracked, but not with the “hard-as-a-brick” biscuits, but cracked as in opened slightly, and as in 5 inches. “I feel so guilty. I feel so bad,” said Gonzalez when questioned about entertaining offers from Major League Baseball scouts impressed no food was found on the balcony.

22-year-old Sara Kessler’s death was the inverse of the natural causes her mother died from back in November in the same apartment. “No one else lives on their floor,” said Assistant Allegheny County police Superintendent James Morton. Due to a construction issue, management had to use shower curtains for walls on the fifth floor, which flooded the office with internal relocation requests. The reason was always the same; they feared for their life. “I shared the wall where my neighbor’s kitchen was, and every time I saw his shadow with a knife I didn’t know whether I would be brutally murdered or invited over for cabbage,” said resident Elizabeth Freismuth. “You learn to appreciate the smell of Dimethyl sulfide,” she continued.

Gonzalez, who lived next to Kessler before moving to the first floor recalls the last image he saw of her alive. “She had a belt in her hands. Then the baby started crying shortly after,” he said. After not hearing from her for several days, Kessler’s brother stopped by the apartment to do a wellness check and there he discovered the bodies. His nephew was found in the living room on the floor. He immediately dropped to his knees in the doorway and crawled over to him sobbing so loudly he woke little Casey Kessler up out his sleep. “It’s a miracle! It’s a miracle! Casey is alive! My nephew is okay! I thought he died of starvation. There was food in the refrigerator but I know his little arms didn’t have enough strength in them to open it. I don’t know how his little body survived a week without food. I can’t believe it. I love him so much. God is so good. Praise Jesus! Thank you, thank you,” the brother roared. His sister was found on her bed with a belt wrapped around her arm. Screams and tears couldn’t wake her up.

Little Casey did come very, very close to dying of starvation. Autopsies show Kessler died a week before March 6th, the date her brother went by the apartment. Little Casey went 96 hours without eating. On the fourth day Gonzalez moved in his new apartment. His girlfriend, who got evicted from her own apartment because she lost her job moved in with him. And that’s when the “bad cooking” started. She fixed him breakfast before he went to work at 9 and would cook lunch at noon and bring it to his job. As he was going out the apartment building in the mornings he would “pitch” food at Kessler’s window, whose apartment was on the end. And as we was coming back home in the evenings he would do the same. “I couldn’t go back in the house with that lunch. My girlfriend would’ve asked why I didn’t eat it,” said Gonzalez. When asked did he intentionally aim for Kessler’s window, he hangs his head low. “Me and her had an unpleasant confrontation 3 weeks ago. I was still mad about it,” he admitted. “I can’t believe she was dead while I was still living on the fifth floor. During those days I was vacationing Philadelphia. I wasn’t even in Millvale,” Gonzalez said regarding questions about smelling body decomposition.

His girlfriend, Santi Rowland, is the most heartbroken of all. “I’m the real victim in this situation. This motherfucker been lying to me for 2 years, telling me I need to open up my own restaurant. When I got fired from my job I thought this was the perfect opportunity to do so and took out a got-damn loan. What am I suppose to do now? I feel so discouraged,” she wept.

18 month old Casey Kessler is now being taken care of by his uncle. Remarked he, “Those Major League Baseball scouts may want to offer my nephew that pitching contract. That little boy arms so strong he can rip the door handle off a refrigerator now.”

Built on top of: (You have to read the actual article to appreciate the direction I took)

If you heard your neighbor’s baby crying for a prolonged period, would you ignore it or do a wellness check? Explain your reason in the comments, please.