Tag Archives: creative writing

Amazon Prime Day: The 42 Dogs of Amazon I Shook Paws With Before I Refreshed to Success

I have played tic-tac-toe without the O in calendar boxes since the date for Amazon Prime got leaked. Yeah, I could have used my $15 store-credit and been smiling from A to Z a few weeks ago, but I’ve had this credit ($10 for signing into the Amazon app for the first time and $5 for signing into the Kindle app for the first time.) since December 2017 and it doesn’t expire until New Year’s Eve 2020. I actually forgot about it then was reminded upon checkout of Lucy, The Big Short, Interstellar, The Founder, and The Theory of Everything. My first attempt at checking out in 7 months. When I saw that thang go from 40-something to 20-something I kicked over the apple cart. I said to myself,  “You need to use this credit on something more meaningful. Them DVD’s can wait.”  What’s more meaningful? Headphones to monitor the audio for my Youtube videos. Speaking of Apple, my EarPods wasn’t gone cut it. I needed something over the ear. I could have basically got AmazonBasics free at $14.99, but some reviews about longevity deterred me. I wanted a company known for making noise. I wanted something mid-tier; something priced between your AmazonBasics and Blue Headphones. I chose Audio Technica and narrowed it to either their ATH-M20x or ATH-M30x. I exercised patience to see if I could stack a prime deal on top of my store-credit. Only the latter went on a prime-day sale. My reminder went off 5 minutes before 3PM, the time Prime Day started. I stuffed the rest of my Nacho Fries down my throat, wiped the Mexican spices off my finger tips and softly said to myself, “Fuck carpal tunnel.” I typed Audio Tech and clicked on the first pop-up in the search bar and was met with the following images millions of others experienced in the first hour of shopping on Amazon’s website or app. Either this or you got caught in a “Shop All Deals” loop. Amazon’s website crashed. I was left hitting refresh like Mark Zuckerberg at the end of The Social Network and kept running into man’s best friend …

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Did you meet any of these dogs of Amazon during your Prime Day shopping?

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Long Hallways (Falling For Forever)

I’m falling forever
They pulled the ground right from under my airs
I’m falling forever
Friendly skies please teach me how to walk on air
I never hurt you with my fist
My punches landed one hundred percent
I don’t know what could be worse
Then “hold my beer” is what I heard …

Long hallways
Don’t know how I got inside
Long hallways
With no ending in sight
Long hallways
No door to put my foot in
Long hallways
No window for the rain to hit up against
Long hallways
No corners to cut at all
Long hallways
Gotta crawl before I can walk
Long hallways
I’m tired of being lonely and googly-eyed in my search
Long hallways
I wish I could listen to a picture with a thousand words
Long hallways
It’s dark and I wanna bump into something
Long hallways
Maybe if I dance like Michael Jackson these paving stones will start glowing?
Long hallways
I’m never gonna get outta here
Long hallways
Because I was cool with being a hot head with a warm heart but I hate cold hands and drunk all its beer

As always,
Long hallways

Today is my birthday, and I’m riding high …

In Your Krispy Kreme Dreams

The most important sit-up
Is when I get up
The most important stretch
Is when I yawn and the person I made it official with holds my hand when my arms are over my head
I didn’t get a chance to exercise my demons because their heads fell out of rotation stretching their necks
As if I care to fight fair with nightmares, hell no!
I don’t give a diddly squat
Even Ned Flanders played the devil
Did he? Yup!
In your Krispy Kreme dreams will I let these aliens prevent me from becoming the next Ridley Scott
Sleeping with your eyes open is the style to me
Especially when your dreams become a reality
“So, how come you don’t kiss me with your eyes open if I’m your dream girl?”
Lizzy, stop it, okay, you know you’re my world
Stop being a creep!
Every time I dream of flying my pillow gets a feather
So that sit-up isn’t really a sit-up if I’m already sitting up cause my head is propped so high it’s like I’m sitting in a chair
It’s not 400 degreez, how the hell we suppose to break the damn ice talking about weather?
Our phones doing jumping jacks and about to go splat
I knee tuck jumped out of bed
She pushed up her bra and jumped on my back, and I quote, “If you give me a piggyback ride to the kitchen I’ll feed on your neck.”
Hay hay hay now!
So you expect for me to be able to walk while you eat like we some tread meal?
You know damn well that piggyback will turn into a horseback that will turn into a bareback that will turn into a broke-back
Tender love Chili chhhhhill
I got bacon for a mouth as a thank you for that piggyback ride
As well as pancake for a face, whipped cream for a nose, and sunny-side up eggs for eyes
I call it my happy breakfast
Mean mug sitting next to it
My coffee mug says, “Once you go black you never go back.”
That made me afraid to start
‘Cause the cream I poured into my coffee formed into what I recognize as a heart
The handle looks like half a heart so it’s a love handle
And I know this is too hot to handle
Yeah, too hot to handle
So I’ll show proof by uploading a front and side view to Snapchat
I figure these mugshots will do numbers that ain’t half bad
Walking out the big house with long strides to see Lizzy prison posing by the hood
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I swear to God freedom never felt so fuckin’ good
So good
So good
So good
So good
So so
So so
So so
Good good
Good good
Good good
Goo goo D
Fuck fuck
Uccccckkkkk
Orange jumpsuits the new black tuxedos
“Boy, you’re so dope”
You’re my heroin with the extra E
“Are you trying to out-drug-addict me?”
Girl, you don’t want this smoke!

Upcoming posts:

  • Nowhere To Go (about Taco Bell …again)
  • Toys R Us (recently found out they closed all their stores and thought of a short, sweet post. I’m using Sims 4 for this one)
  • Headhunters movie review (first movie I watched with subtitles)
  • 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri movie review
  • If parents were paid for what they do (originally planned for Mother’s Day)
  • The night I got stabbed 17 times in the mouth … by Doritos
  • SWB
  • Not getting paid on time 2 weeks in a row … and killing my boss. In fact, I’m writing this on the run. Sorry for any typos. My auto-coreck want eve cum to my restq. Can u blam it? I curfew it out one two mini tines. Dat’s a little or dat’s a lot! A pair rently, it’s a lot!
  • A bunch of other movie reviews
  • WordPressident #14 to Infinity
  • Not enough female influence?
  • Rachel Zane vs. Megan Markle
  • 10 Annoying Things Gay People Did During “Pride Month”
  • A bunch of drafts from 2013

Note: Some of these will be standalone, incorporated within a bigger post or just scrapped altogether. Probably the last one.

Get your ass in the car

I said get your ass in the car, Lizzy

Put my suit jacket over the cold shoulder she gave me

Over the cold-shoulder-dress she’s looking hot in

Hand on the small of her back leading her while letting her be the leader

She’s two steps ahead but I’m on her heels

Other hand getting the door

Pulling her by the hair mid-squat in the car

Putting her hair behind her ear, caressing her chin, lightly choking her, tilting my head since I got the bigger nose and pinning her tongue down

Her eyes remained close for another 3 seconds after the muah like it was the kiss of death

Her knees buckling

Hand on the small of her back slowly rubbing her ass and thighs before hooking her at the popliteal to pick her up

Dropped her on the leather seats to the sounds of creak and squeak and crunch and scrunch as she fixed her dress in the doorway

Peered through the rear windshield to see was Jane Doe gone be ex or be next

I victory flexed, whispery yes, when I saw her leaning over cheating during the door test

Necktie wrapped around my head in a cancer awareness ribbon knot

They’re not shades, they’re not sunglasses, they’re alien eyes

Sleeves of my buttoned-up rolled to the forearm

First two buttons undone makes it a V-neck

Leather gloves on steering with just two fingers

Holding my beer with two fingers

Driving with an elbow out the window

My hand just above her knee

Her leg shaking

Everything she saying has a vibration in it

But she never once asked, “are we there yet?” ‘cause she likes the long rides

The windows fogged up

And reappeared something from when they were last fogged up … Har+new

WordPressident #13

Our bottom lips sticking together as we pull away from the kiss
The hug dies in our arms
Scratch on our ring fingertips as we let go of each other hands
Walking away from each other backwards with clean backgrounds
Not taking no L’s, falling in the hole of the O, getting hit by a V, crashing into a dam snake oil salesman who claims his Dell didn’t always have a tilted E
The barbecue sauce on my ribs
So I know you’re the HIS in Memphis
Okay, well, maybe for a season after I saw too much skin I bundled up and got my meat cumin spiced on a spring mattress
She was leaving before you entered the picture
Don’t act picture-perfect as if you’ve always been the lady on the other side of the noodle
Not a put-down of your frame but you know the real reason I place my hand on the small of your back in public
Sometimes to guide you to a first-class seat
Sometimes to guide you down a flight of stairs
The apple bottom of my eye is rotten sometimes
A worm on the inside, a real pain in the ass, you know
But, but, I love her to the core
Not just when she’s a snack, Apple Slices
Not just when she’s breakfast, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s lunch, Apple Bee’s
Not just when I’m thirsty, Apple Cocktails
Not just when she’s dinner, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s dessert, Apple Pie
When the groceries fresh I don’t need plastic
When they pass the expiration date I double bag it
Let’s eat …

WordPressident #12

Waves crash into hourglass
Life’s a beach with sand between your toes you harp
Or life’s a bitch when you step on something sharp


Ferris wheel lights when dad carrying you on his shoulders doesn’t meet the required height

Scoop of ice cream falling out the cone in slow motion, splat

Because my baby thought it was a upside-down head wearing a birthday hat

A child’s melting ice cream makes up the white lines in the street

Her ice cream cone the traffic cone

I kneel for my young and tell her the streets were paved with the heart of gold

To pick up the pieces I hustle man

Move my feet to the saxophone with the kazoo stuck to it

Kick a bar of gold to Kimchi

“Daddy, why did the free-range chicken cross the road?”

Why?

“To get to the other sides.”

I guess you didn’t like daddy’s raggedy ass peas?

“Everything else was hitting.”

Pass the peas like we use to do.

“Did you say pass the peas like you use to do?”

I say pass the peas like we use to do.

“Whoa! Pass the peas like we use to do!”

I grab the pea from the microwave with my thumb and my index and passed it to the doctor at the head of the table. Bowed my head, said grace, “God please don’t let him ask for the deviled egg too.”

Ehh, what’s up doc’?

“Honey bunny, you know it’s bad table manners to talk with food in your mouth.”

I spit the carrot pieces in her hand

“Mr. Bunny, I’m sorry, forgive me for not having a petite appetite, but if I don’t take this off your plate I take off my white coat and throw it over your body.”

My boo caught the Holy Ghost just from hearing that

“Baby, we already made our Miracle On 34th Street and she need you present in her life. I’ll support you if you get sacked from your job for needing more than 2 weeks. I don’t like football no way and the effects of being sacked. What you have in the sac won’t affect what we have in the sack.”


Then I woke up.

WordPressident #11

The half-moon is the apostrophe between the Z and the S. The heavy breathing of the monster and skeleton sent the bed-skirt flying upwards, covering my exposed legs. The howling wind came through the opening of the glass like a straw and ripped the sheepskin right off my hide. Sleep is the cousin of death because I woke up sweating bullets hearing “ant ant ant” from my alarm clock. The time was handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs. 3:33. The colon between the numbers were batting it’s eye lashes like it wanted a conjugal visit. I had 13 inches free; my other foot and both my hands were tied up. An imperfect 10 was getting even with me. It’s like the lump transferred from the oddball to the throat how I was engaging in emotional eating. I couldn’t swallow because I knew this She-Devil stuck her forked-tongue in my breakfast in bed. The blood is the only part of the steak the vampire likes. Why does Cupid shoot arrows without good directions attached to it? Because everywhere I go makes me weak in the knees and I keep falling for a head over heels, whose favorite piece of the shoe is the shank. Maybe I wouldn’t be in these situations if my favorite part changed from breast to sole? Skeleton hands wrapped around her ankles and pulled the little closet freak under. The time I copped I spent wisely freeing myself with the 3rd little piggy. Got out the big house and the first thing on my to-do list wasn’t a brick house with wolf pussy.

I want a check sign next to a signed check. Number 2. I wanna walk in the bank like my shit don’t stank. 3:33. I want fuzzy handcuffs slapped on my wrist by Fine M. Banker for not taking off my hat and shades. You see, the hat for the one-eyed-monster I call Mike Wazowski. The shades to block sonny boy and little miss sunshine. But I’ll gladly take off my pants to show you I don’t have a gun in my pocket. But I do keep a pair of red striped white socks stuffed in my pants; Get your mind out the gutter. I know what you’re thinking. “Them there socks make up 9 inches of the 13 inches from earlier.” Yeah, you’re right …. because I was referring to my shoe size, not my penis, genius. And I know what you’re not thinking judging a book by its cover, “He gotta put ‘em somewhere since it’s a fashion faux pas to wear ‘em with Sperrys.” This reminds me of how much you and your girl got in common. My ensemble was the topic of our conversation last night on the phone. She asked, “What you got on?”


Fisherman hat

Navy blue shirt

Anchor print boxers

Dockers

Boat shoes


Translation: Wave goodbye to your relationship.

And nahhhh N word y’all can’t still be ‘endzzzz!