Tag Archives: creative writing

No Labels (My Gatorade Commercial)

FADE IN

EXT. ROADSIDE – MORNING

Slightly out-of-breath man rips label off Gatorade bottle and throws it in the middle of street. The wind blows and keeps the label at pace with the man’s footsteps. He notices. The wind picks up, causing the label to fly ahead. In the man’s mind, he thinks the label is trying to beat him to the finish line. 

Man

Oh, you wanna race?

The man runs but the wind on the roadside compared to the middle of the street seems to blow in opposite directions, as if blowing him back and pushing the label forward. The label somehow enlarges and gets stuck between two light poles. The man runs through it, ripping it in half, holding his hands up. 

Man

Yes!

When he turns around he sees a stranger running toward him with a Gatorade cooler, as if they’re about to dump it on him. The man removes his shirt as if he is prepared to fight. A white release dove lands on the man’s shoulders with a stick between its feet. The man grabs the stick and holds it in his hand as the stranger steadily approaches. 

MAN

Come on!

The stranger gives the man a Gatorade Shower while he uses the bird as soap and sings into the stick.

FADE OUT

 

Mars Co-founder Kills Milky Way Seatbelt Eating Passenger

milkytaxi

Jacqueline Mars, a co-founder of the candy empire with the same last name, is behind bars thicker than a snicker tonight after causing a car crash Thursday that killed a passenger in a taxi who ate his Milky Way seatbelt.

During a news conference at Falls Church Hospital, sitting in a leather green luxury wheelchair, the cab driver, 46-year-old Mozzie Caffrey, recounts the conversation he had with Neal Winters, the 29-year-old victim, before Mars crash landing.

“We arrive at his destination. I turn around, and as I was telling him how much his fare was, I pause on the third digit realizing the numbers on his shirt was exactly the same. I thought I was reading a script. After the fourth digit was a minus sign. Then 2016. I asked him what year was he born. He smiles, and you gotta understand this guy had on beer goggles and ear duffs, so, I don’t know how I looked and sounded to him. He probably thought I was flirting. I yelled, ‘WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR SEATBELT?’ perceiving if he had his seatbelt on the strap would’ve covered the 2016. Then it hit me what he said before he got in and was leaning into the passenger window of my taxi like some hooker. ‘WhyIs$2.75AlreadyOnTheMeter?’ He was drunk and slurring his speech. If I wrote this it would look like a hashtag. Then I guess he noticed the Milky Way seatbelts and said, “OhItsForTheCandy?HowYouKnowIGotASweetTooth?’ He had caramel stuck in his teeth! I yelled for him to get out. Soon as he opened the door Mars attacked. Next thing I know I wake up to a fat guy in a little coat. Sorry, Dr. Skittles, but you work in the health field man, you gotta get it together.”

life minus death

Mars was driving alone in her 2020 Porsche SUV when “for unknown reasons the vehicle crossed the center line and struck a stationary yellow cab occupied by two people,” according to the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office.

Winters died at the scene. Authorities say he was not wearing a seatbelt, which played a major factor in how Caffrey survived a 4,927 pound SUV coming 90 MPH at an immobile 2,729 pound car.

The commonwealth’s attorney office reviewed the matter and found Mars at fault.

In October 2013 Mars was involved in a similar car crash near her home that killed two occupants of a minivan: 86-year old Irene Ellisor and an unborn child. Mars plead guilty to a misdemeanor count of reckless driving, was fined $2,500 and had her driver license suspended 6 months. She didn’t receive any jail time largely because of how forgiving the families of the victims were. However, the tragedy was a major component for driver license-renewal rules for seniors in Virginia. A law that took effect on January 1, 2015 lowering the age for mandatory in-person license renewal from 80 to 75, meaning Virginia drivers aged 75 and older were no longer eligible to renew their driver license electronically or by mail. Mars was 73 at the time of the crash (October 4, 2013) with her 74th birthday 6 days away (October 10, 2013).

Winters was unknowingly taking part in a moving demonstration of a Milky Way bar’s stretchy caramel. BBDO, the advertising agency that came up with the creative campaign, did not have Mars INC. permission to manipulate their products in such a way. According to Kent Jarrell, a personal spokesman for Jacquie, “They never told us about this. We never had a chance to yes it or no it. Imagine if we no’ed it. That would have been a life saver for us. And if we yes’ed it we would be talking about another topic than death cause we would have educated drivers. Was Mr. Caffrey advised by BBDO to instruct his passengers to not eat their seatbelts? I guess not!”

Mars’s attorney, Robin Gulick, told reporters  there was no evidence of intentional speeding, texting, or distracted driving by his client. There was no sign of alcohol or drug usage, according to the accident report. “I’m confident all criminal charges will be dropped once this is revealed to be just another accident. We are providing assistance to Mr. Caffrey as well as to the family of Mr. Winters in this great time of sorrow,” said Gulick.

Mars told investigators “I fell asleep” while driving, according to the report.

whiskey bottle chalk outline

 

Built atop:

What was the last thing you saw thicker than a Snicker?

Cameraman fired for being a jerk to co-worker, a dick to another

After 4 years, the cameraman who filmed popular news anchor wardrobe malfunction reveals he was terminated for the fiasco.

Panning a camera results in a motion similar to that of someone shaking their head from side to side. The perfect description of the following:

In May of 2012, Sara Eisen, then co-anchor of Bloomberg TV’s Bloomberg Surveillance, had an embarrassing on-air moment where she was caught with her dress hiked up, exposing a Big Black Contrivance strapped to her thigh.

While there was never an official public address of what the device was, a mic transmitter, a dildo, a gun holster, a shake weight in recharge mode, a flashlight, a lamp, a penis GPS locator, an umbrella, prosthetic leg, Amazon echo, from neither Eisen or Bloomberg, they did privately address who they felt was responsible for its live TV appearance, Richard Hewitt, the cameraman. “They fired me because they didn’t like my answer to why I cut Sheila Dharmarajan off mid-sentence and panned right. I said I was operating the camera with one hand. Can you believe those idiots thought I was being sexually suggestive? It was a mistake! When you are looking through the eye-piece you have zero peripheral vision, especially when she was on the right and being blocked by the camera. So, how was I suppose to know what she was doing? We always did the sweeping camera motion for the Markets Desk segment, where we got the anchor opinions on money matters.”

Hewitt, who has sold insurance since the firing, said although he’s been in the film industry for years admits to not being entirely certain what the round black tube was. “It was Brian Williams between her legs.”

Built atop:

  • Above video

What do you think the Big Black Contrivance was?

WordPressident #7 

Baby, lets talk
Yesterday I searched the meaning of my name
Google/googoo gaga/God God/gah gah
Expressed exasperation in exclamation, boohoo blah blah
Cause I was wrestling with it being a Christian name but here’s what took the Edge off
The meaning, totally reeked awesomeness, I hand-in-waistcoat posed for 5 seconds, keshessshhh or chachzzz, how do you write the noise a camera makes? Let’s have a spell off
This is what I read off, Wikipedia, Harold is derived from Hereweald here “army” weald “leader”
The new letters in my name made me go weee but the O went dark like periods, full stop era girl features
They’re either, but from the derivative let’s carry on pal, the diminutives is Harry and Hal
With 6 days remaining before January is out the dictionary has crowned …
One the word of the day I’ll let you shoulder time browsing
But just note, today, I used it in a sentence so much I lost count it’s over 9 thousand
But let’s not drag on about me, me, let’s talk about you, yeah you, ballsy/ball Z, could ya be more ballsy?
The customer is always right, yeah from 3 to 9
But at 9:01 in the 901 a right to the customer would’ve got me 3 to 9
But my feet are fine ’cause I’m sitting on my ass all day
Warehouse? Unless it’s a TV inside my closet, speaking of that, hallways
Revealed a page, I’m thinking what is this cause my bills are paid, pest control already did their deal and sprayed
I pick up the note from that wide ass gap and it revealed a fate
Tiredrun Parkinsons/Tyrone Parsons is no longer employed where I live and stay
I’m thinking this can’t be real, a prank
But when I saw the edges of that same letter underneath my neighbor’s door
I knew the lights that shine through the cracks was just that and not a tape record
But I don’t know if I’m on the same accord about the smoke detector looking over where I make the score
But that smile wasn’t safe no more ’cause my grandma went to the hospital at 7 she was aching sore
I checked on her at 10:30 and she STILL HASN’T BEEN-, say no more
You should get every nickel back from the insurance you’re paying for ’cause what are you, what are you, what are you waiting for?
(Ssswowwww)
Make doctors nurses patients, then make their family members impatient, boy!
(Ouchhhhhh)