Tag Archives: creative writing

Sex in the Workplace

2 words. Why did I write it out as 2 instead of two? So you wouldn’t think the two words were the two words, okay? Now, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. The ampersand is the logogram &, representing the conjunction “and.” The A AND D R silent, therefore, & is the 14th letter of the alphabet, okay? Again, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. Bullshit! If I moo-ved letters apart that’s 2 words. No! If I put letters together that’s BS.

A year ago I wasted 45 minutes on this bullshit. No, not this postThat was 2 years ago. Know your dates, and know how to play with words. Mooved isn’t a typo. This Ethics & Compliance online course is about inappropriate behavior in the workplace and how you can be affected by it even if you’re not on the receiving end. Me, I’m never on the receiving end ’cause my khakis on casual Friday say, “He don’t play that.”

I work in a call center. One of the first things we tell customers is, “This call may be monitored for quality assurance.” Since we speak to each other more than customers (bad numbers, forwarded calls, etc.) our conversations should be recorded. If that occurred I would be working for myself because as you’re about to read even managers are guilty of being filthy. Desperate for something to consistently write I came up with this series about sex in the workplace, The references. The innuendos. The suggestive. With the myriad of sexual allegations in the media and today being the hump day of all hump days, what better day than today to start the series? Before we begin, as a disclaimer, none of these conversations were eavesdropped on. The following was heard sitting in one spot. I didn’t struggle to ear hustle. These conversations weren’t as private as privates. They weren’t as intimate as intimacy. These conversations start with 2 people at a volume that invites others to chime in. It upgrades to a threesome. Then a swingers party. Then the fifth wheel being left out. Then before I know it there’s an all-out conversation orgy and my customer asking, “Is there a party going on in your background?” Why, yes, Mr. Walton, let me be a party pooper. Hold please. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Get it. Shut “the fuck” up. Hahahaha.

Without further ado …

  • As we were working, we heard police sirens outside. Charlie,  the manager, jokingly said they were coming for Tommy (who sits next to me) and he was going to be locked up with Bubba. An obvious rape in jail joke. Disgusting.
  • We have two mounted TV’s. Usually one has a visual with low volume and the other is on a non-video music channel with high volume. Anaconda by Nikki Minaj came on. Josh googles an image of an Anaconda and says to Martin, “look at this Anaconda.” Martin rolls his seat next to Josh’s cubicle and bursts out laughing. Why would a boring fuzzy picture of a snake be hilarious? Because Martin was fooled into thinking it was a penis at first.
  • When Reggie, a manager, came into the room for the first time today and heard the music he said, “What are y’all listening to?” in a tone that implied he thought the song was wack. Marlena assured him the station was good and told him about the songs that were playing before he entered. She mentioned Anaconda and Wrecking Balls. The latter never came on.
  • Charlie, the manager, talking about that infamous hair gel scene in There’s Something About Mary.
  • 4 and go. We get 4 sales and can go home. The best part about it is still being paid for the remaining hours on the shift. You get your 4 within 2 hours of the shift? Well, guess what, you still get your hourly pay for the remaining 6 hours. It’s like you’re not there but you are here. Cassie got hers. Charlie, the manager, says to Tommy, “She’s selling. Are you buying?” Tommy pulls out a hundred-dollar bill. It was in reference to her selling one of her sales (’cause Tommy had no sales) but it had obvious sexual undertones (prostitution).
  • Jasmine (who sits next to me) called her man and asked what he wanted for Valentines. Before she let him answer she said, “No sex!”
  • Troy, the boss of bosses, told Debbie he ain’t doing “shit” for Valentines. That he was just going to the gym to workout. Debbie said you need to go home and workout. An obvious reference to having sex with his wife.
  • As Darin was leaving for the night she told Josh not to have too many babies tonight
  • As I was coming out the restroom I hear the other Jasmine state she not a hoe ’cause she only had sex with one person.

As I was writing that last bulletin I decided this topic isn’t good enough to be a series. I hate writing about sex. The best part about this post was the introduction to it. The bulletins were lame in comparison. I was thinking about using the same intro for future installments of the series but then freshness would be lost upon avid readers. I still want to use the workplace to inspire creativity because I’m there for almost half the day. It’s a daily source of material and I wouldn’t have to beat my brain for new ideas everyday, which is only an issue ’cause I’m not in shape at the moment. I need to buy those spy cam glasses and put up some YouTube videos. I love writing. I wrote this on paper at work and during the writing process I was in a zone. I was hearing myself think. My mind was going clickity clickity click. Time flew. It even spilled over to the job because I was more enthusiastic over the phone. Maybe instead of new posts I just constantly add to this? I don’t know. What y’all think? Would you like to consistently read about how horny my co-workers are and how much of a prude I am? Hahahaha

Advertisements

Police Officer gets major surprise after pulling over driver of car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Cops photograph car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Massachusetts – No, it wasn’t Clark Griswold leading Sudbury PD on a Chevy Chase. It was the father of Officer Noble driving tree miles-per-hour in a brand new minivan. “I’m like, dad, did you steal this? This is not our precious Malibu Most Wanted. Where did you get this from? I was stunned, you know.” Officer Noble’s partner, Officer Shambo, insisted a citation be written due to the safety hazard for all drivers. “The tree eclipsed the car. With the way the tree covered the door, if something bad would’ve happen, it would have been difficult for passengers to get out. Her little brother was inside as well. The tree dangled over the windshield causing view obstruction. Other drivers could be distracted by the tree and not pay attention to traffic,” said Officer Shambo. Noble argued against a citation in favor of a verbal warning and helping secure the tree to the roof with caution tape. After a little back and forth between the partners, Noble’s cousin jumped out the Christmas tree with a camcorder yelling “You Got Punked” in reference to the infamous Ashton Kutcher reality show. Noble learned her family and partner staged the whole event to give her Christmas present early, which was under the tree, the 2018 Chrysler Pacifica. “The patrol car was my car. Now I can feel like a soccer mom and not a bad mom having my kids ride in the backseat.”

What do you want for Christmas?

A Thousand Kisses: A Poem For My Grandma

More Than A Grand: October 18, 2006

 

There are some people who live up to their name

Names like Jamie, Tracy, and Terry/Terri pass as bisexual names

Now there is a new name that will pass as a bisexual name

A name can tell a lot about a person’s character

Darnell **** is the grandparent who I live with

Darnell **** has 3 daughters, no sons, well until now

I feel like my mother and my auntees are my sisters

I don’t think I’ma son to my mother, I don’t think I’ma nephew to my auntees, I’m more of a uncle to my brothers, sisters, and my cousins, brother to my mother and auntees

And our mother is more like a sister to us

Darnell **** brings home the bacon like a man and cooks it like a woman

Darnell **** makes the money like a man and spends it like a woman

Darnell **** can dirty like a man and can clean like a woman

Darnell **** raised a son like a man and raised daughters like a woman

My grandma lives up to her name – Double D’s

HAPPY BIRTHDAY G’MA!!!

Be honest with people about their cooking on Thanksgiving … even if it increases your rent. 

Resident – Thank y’all for treating residents to an early Thanksgiving. 

Manager – You’re welcome!

Resident – I’m glad I moved here. 

Manager – And we’re glad to have you. 

Resident – My last apartment didn’t do these KIND kind of things for the community. And judging by how packed it is in here it looks like I won’t be the only one without family this year. Looks like every resident is here. Wow! Oooh yeah give me some of that dressing … and oooh the turkey too … and oooh some of those candy yams please … that too … un-huh … yes…. oooh God yes! Okay, thank youuuuu! 

Manager – Sir, where are you going?

Resident – Umm … back to my apartment. 

Manager – There are no to-go-plates. 

Resident – This the plate y’all gave me. 

Manager – There are no TO GO plates.

Resident – Aww that’s why everybody in here? Y’all want us to eat in front of y’all? 

Manager – Well, you’re the first person to try those 2 items. Would you mind telling me how they taste? And you can be completely honest, I didn’t make any of it. 

Resident – The mac-n-cheese slamming!

Manager – Wonderful. And the biscuit?

Resident – Ahhhh! Taste like a brick! I think I chipped a tooth! 

Manager – And that rent increase of $212 taste like tears coming from you! Make sure you put enough salt in it!