Tag Archives: creative writing

Reality TV (Episode 1, Scene 3)

*Due to internet connection issues, Scene 3 didn’t post yesterday. Therefore, I am posting both 3 and 4 today. The latter will be scheduled for 7PM. This is the scene that her moms say, “Laughing isn’t ladylike.” As I said in the first scene, this is the raw unedited script. Completely uncensored! Only changes I made are punctuational.*

Reality TV: 11+14+06

Summer – So, I’m not sucking yo’ dick enuff or something?

Harold – Say what?!

Summer – I said, I’m must not sucking yo’ dick enuff cuz ya got something else deep throating ya

Harold – Damn, yo’ friends still tryna break us up?!

Summer – Nah I don’t have a friend named Red Devil.

Harold – Who is Red Devil?

Summer – The vacuüm cleaner Harold, the vacuüm cleaner. 10 seconds into vacuuming the living room carpet, the vacuüm cleaner just cuts off and then it wouldn’t come back on. I knew it wasn’t hot, not in no 10 seconds. So, I check the muthafuckin’ vacuum cleaner bag and it was filled to the tea with sperm.

Harold – What?! True story?! You sure it wasn’t just lotion or something?

Summer – Harold, I tasted it.

Harold – You tasted it?!

Summer – Yeah it ain’t like I haven’t tasted you before; I be swallowing you all the time.

Harold – Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, omigod! You be giving me head at the red-light; you give me head while I’m doing number two; you gave me head this morning to wake me up cuz I slept thru the alarm clock. Why would I let the Red Devil give me some head? I hate to say it but I think you tasted yo’ son’s sons. Yo’ grandchildren!

Summer – Say what?!

Harold – Who vacuums his room 50 times a day and it still be chips, crackers, cookies, paper, and shit still all on the floor?

Summer – Omigod!!! Little Harold!!!

Lil’ Harold – You called?

Summer – Yo’ muthafuckin’ ass is grounded until I die! You can’t get allowance no more; you gotta get a job support yo’self, you got a week to find yo’self another home nigga! Harold, we gone have to put him up for adoption baby cuz ooooh I’ma kill him if he stick around. Now get yo’ ass out the way. I gotta throw-up in you’ bed. Move nigga!!!

Lil’ Harold – Dad, what’s wrong wit mom?! What I do?!

Harold – Son, the next time you decide to “vacuüm yo’ room,” change the bag okay, you know what, better yet: here’s about a 100 bucks, use that money to buy your very own personal Red Devil and here’s a few extra bucks for vacuüm cleaner bags. Now excuse me, I gotta help you’ momma throw-up in yo’ bed.

Commercial Break: 12+9+06

Bitch – Dog I want some puppy love

Dog – Okay, Bitch!

Bitch – No, no, what you doing?

Dog – I’m finna hump you!

Bitch – I’m tired of that position.

Dog – But doggystyle is the only position we got.

Bitch – No it isn’t, dog. You just gotta Think Outside The Bun

Scene 4 will publish 7PM tonight. Sorry for the delay!  🙂

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Episode 1, Scene 1: Reality T.V. (Written November 11, 2006)

*This is the third sitcom from my third comedy book I wrote for my I’m With Jimmy Ni (play on Gemini) t.v show. I’m sharing this one ahead of the first two because this is when I found my funny and when I started thinking about how my future family would be. This, as well as other sitcoms I wrote in 2005 through 2007 are heavily influenced by New York rappers, The Wayans Bros, The Jamie Foxx Show, Martin, My Wife & Kids, Flava Of Love. This is the original raw script from 2006. Until now, I am the only person to have read this. I shared it with a girl I was talking to during that time via phone, however, she never got a chance to hear the whole story because she was laughing so hard (Scene 3) when I verbally performed it, her mother made her get off the phone. Her mother said and I quote, “Laughing wasn’t ladylike.” And, we never got around to finishing it. Actually, I didn’t want to finish it because I felt like I got what I wanted, which was a laugh, and I thought the rest of the story couldn’t top a laugh that made her moms mad. The only edits made are punctuational.*

Reality TV: November 11, 2006

Summer – Harold, wake up, wake up!

Harold – Huh, what, what, what?

Summer – We’ve been robbed!

Harold – Robbed?! who?! You and the kids???

Summer – No, the house! Somebody broke in and you slept right through it.

Harold – For real, omigod! What they take?!

Summer – Me and the kids looked around the whole house and all they took was the t.v’s.

Harold – Aww, we ain’t been robbed.

Lil’ Harold – Well, where our t.v’s at?

Harold – I took all the t.v.’s outta the house and sold ’em to some people. *laugh track*

Summer – Nigga you sold all 7 t.v.’s that was in this house, Harold if you got fired from yo’ job, you coulda just told me, my money is yo’ money baby.

Harold – Nah I didn’t get fired, I sold all our t.v.’s b-cuz it was ruining our family life. Lil’ Harold plays his video game all day, Lyric watches BET videos all day, and baby you watch LifeTime all muthafuckin’ day. And then y’all complain that I never be home. It’s cuz when I be home it’s boring as hell cuz y’all glued to the tube. Then when I ask y’all to go somewhere wit me, y’all like, “Nah my favorite show is about to come on.”

Lil’ Harold – But dad this is gonna hurt me more than mom and Lyric cuz I’m a homebody.

Harold – Well son, now we’re all are about to become homebodies.

Lyric – Oh hell nah! Now that’s gonna hurt me more than mom and Lil’ Harold cuz I like to go out. *laugh track*

Harold – But when you’re here, all you do is watch t.v.

Lyric – Man whatever! And speaking of t.v. I’m finna go over my friend’s house so I can see the world première of Ciara’s new video. *laugh track*

Lil’ Harold – Yeah and I’m finna go over one of my friend’s house to play Madden.

Summer – Yeah and I’m finna go to Wal-Mart to buy a new t.v.

Harold – Freeze! Nobody move! I wouldn’t have sold our t.v.’s if nobody wasn’t gone be home. Starting now, all of us are on house arrest. Our house gone become a reality show. As much as I hate t.v. , I need to thank it for inspiring me. The reason why reality shows are so interesting is b-cuz there are NO t.v.’s in the house. Look at Flavor Of Love, for example!

Lyric – I wish I could. *laugh track*

Harold – I mean, things are finna become really entertaining around this house. Watch!

Lil’ Harold – You know, dad’s right b-cuz t.v. is kinda making me blind.

Lyric – Nah that ain’t t.v. making you blind, that come from jacking off. *laugh track*

Summer – No, no stop that fighting!

Harold – See, things are already becoming like Jerry Springer around here. *laugh track*

Summer – Baby, I hope you know what you’re doing.

Harold – Hahahaha

*Theme music plays*

*Commercial Break*

Wait … I almost forgot! I use to do my own commercials too. I wrote my commercials the way I saw them, that being not knowing what the commercial was about until the very end. Dave Chappelle talked about this in a standup once. He said he saw this battered woman come on the screen, who was obviously a victim of domestic violence. She went on and on about how her boyfriend use to beat and torture her then a voice comes on and says, “Got Milk!” *laugh track* Anyway, that was my concept too!

Written December 9, 2006:

Son – Mother can you teach me how to wash clothes?

Mother – If you was my daughter, I would say yes, but since you’re my son, that questions sounds funny. Are you beginning to have wet dreams?

Son – Honestly, yeah. I just started having wet dreams and I wanna wash my own clothes and sheets.

Mother – Well son, I can’t stop you from having wet dreams but I can prevent the stains from getting on your clothes and sheets.

Son – Wow! The World’s Most Trusted Condom! *sings* Trojan Man!

Scene 2 will drop tomorrow at 7PM Central Time 🙂

Rangers Employ Tasers On Cheney For Death Of Idaho Sheep

Jackson Hole – Grand Teton park rangers used tasers while subduing U.S. Senate candidate Elizabeth Lynne Cheney after a cheneysbizarre sheep stampede last week.

Cheney, 47, was tased Aug. 15 by rangers after allegedly saying that she would climb the Grand Teton “on my own” and spend a night in Cascade Canyon without a backcountry permit.

When rangers found Cheney they began talking to her. She grew “abnormally upset and confrontational” and claimed to have bombs set to explode in the morning. Rangers found no explosives.

Cheney ventured into a 2,400-head sheep herd when about 165 sheep from the Siddoway Sheep Company of St. Anthony, Idaho were killed, trampled and smothered.

After running downhill in a panic Cheney was tased by rangers and charged with resisting arrest.

Cheney had a history of mental illness, her father told rangers.

She pled not guilty Tuesday after taking a fighting stance saying, “The extreme loss of sheep last weekend is necessary.”

In the weeks leading to the sheep pileup, Cheney announced she would challenge Sen. Mike Enzi in the 2014 Republican primary. The U.S. senate candidate faces a $10,000 fine and up to a year in jail and two years probation, during which she would be banned from the park.

sheep pileupCheney made a statement Wednesday, which follows.

“On August 15, 2013, I spent the day in the Grand Tetons with a group of 13 wolves from the Pine Creek Pack. They’ve had a huge amount of problems over the years. I had arranged for Sean Hannity to film the wolves, which occasionally venture into western Wyoming in the area of Teton Pass. The Siddoway Sheep Company should not be grazing in such a predator-dense area. The problem is not the wolves, but subsidized domestic sheep grazing. The extreme loss of sheep last weekend is necessary. I hope that we can manage the sheep population in the future. I would like to praise the professionalism and dedication of the Grand Teton park rangers and the security officers at Jackson Lake Lodge.”

Creative Writing Challenge Goes Wrong: Sister Commits Suicide Reading What Brother Wrote

Image Via Twitter
Image Via Twitter

“During hard times, everyone thinks of giving up, of committing suicide,” said, high school English teacher, Arthur Cobb. For the first assignment of the 2013-2014 school year, Mr. Cobb put a twist on a creative writing challenge he previously assigned.  “Last year, I had the students recall a difficult period they went through and write a suicide note as if they were still in those times. Went great. This year, I wanted the students to write a suicide note, not for themselves, but for someone else. They had to write it as they were this person. It had to be someone they personally knew so the letter sounded convincing. I never intended on the person they’re writing for to read it. That’s why I told them at the end of class, sit their work on my desk.” However, one student, 17-year-old  Jeet Spencer, followed orders, but still managed to leave class with it in his hand. How? He wrote it twice. “My big sister is always teasing me how she’s a better writer, and I was so happy how believable my letter was, I made a copy of it, so I could show it to her. She wasn’t home when I got from school. I went in her room and laid the letter on her pillow. When I came back an hour later, she was hanging from the ceiling. I ran to get mom.”

“I kicked him out the house, said their mother, Carmen Spencer. Him and his teacher, they killed my baby!” she wept. “I thought he was telling me he wrote the suicide note so I wouldn’t be mad at May for being selfish. It was too authentic. The voice of it, same handwriting, everything. She suffered from depression her whole life, and attempted suicide before. But she’s been really happy lately. Boyfriend, school, job. And I know reading this letter put her back in that dark place, and made her forget about her newfound happiness for a few minutes. May is known as the writer of the house. I didn’t believe Jeet wrote it until his teacher confirmed it.”

The Kansas City Police Department are investigating the matter to determine whether this was a suicide or homicide. Ms. Spencer prays for the latter. “She was happy for once in her life! They brought her back down! They killed my baby!”

Built on top of:

  • People writing the obituaries of others before they actually die, like Nelson Mandela. 

Was this a suicide or homicide?

Owner Who Fired Employees Via Text Message Personally Delivers Their Last Paychecks

Fired by text
Screenshot by WFTV

Winter Park, Fla. — Fourth of July “fireworks” took on a new meaning for more than a dozen employees of Barducci’s Italian Bistro, as the restaurant owner, Gregory Kennedy, laid them off on the holiday … via text message. “I unfortunately need to inform you that I have been forced to close Barducci’s effective immediately, ” read the SMS. “I think it’s immoral. I think it’s cowardice,” said Jodi Jackson, who cooked virtually 2 years for the restaurant. “I think we all deserve our compensation for money he’s already made from us,” Jackson continued.

Have you texted someone and they called you or  called someone and got a text back? Well, Kennedy is guilty of the latter after several attempts by WFTV. What you see in the above screenshot is the text  he sent to the news station.

Embarrassed he failed as an entrepreneur, and worried the news coverage of how he treated his ex-employees may affect future employees wanting to work with him if he started a new business, Kennedy decided to personally deliver their last paycheck, along with an apology for substituting a real human conversation with a robotic emoticon-less text message. This went great … for 10 out of 15 employees. The other 5 … not so well …

“Yeah, I broke his damn phone,” said former waitress, Jenna Giles. “He got a call while we was talking on the porch. Said he had to take it because it was important. When he got off, I asked was that the phone he used to text all of us. He said, ‘yeah.’ I snatched that *bleep*, slammed it to the ground and stomped on that *bleep*. I went back in the house after that. Text me now, *bleep* !”

3 employees saved Kennedy gas as they were all hanging out together that day at the bar. They opened the envelope containing their paycheck in Kennedy’s presence and were immediately disgusted. Kennedy said, “Before I knew it, I was tripled teamed. When I woke up a few minutes later, $40 I had on me was gone. So was my debit card. I had beer poured all over me. But it smelled like piss.”

Kennedy decided not to go to the last employee on the list, former cook, Tron Chappelle, because he was a “hostile” employee and “lived in the hood.” He mailed him his check instead. However, when Tron heard how his former boss personally delivered everyone else’s paycheck, he became furious and showed up to his house unannounced. Still recovering from his prior beating, Kennedy was beaten senseless in front of his wife and kids. And again, robbed!

When we called Kennedy to see would he be pressing charges against his former employees, he texted us back. This time around he probably had a real reason he couldn’t open his mouth.

Built on top of:

Have you ever been employed, fired, dumped, got dumped, death notified, etc. by text message? Tell us about it!

What’s The CEO Of Your Mind?

Dear Har-old,

You’re not a businessman.

You are a business, man! the difference a comma makes

Think like one.

Your dominating thoughts – the CEO.

Your submissive thoughts – the coffee-getting intern.

You are going out of business losing your mind.

Why?

Because the CEO is producing crappy products bad actions that’s causing us to lose customers good reactions and it’s affecting our bottom line confidence.

The only reason this suit and tie negative thinking CEO is the leader of this black turtleneck, blue jeans, running shoes company potentially great mind is because it has won over the employees habits.

While the other employees seeds of the bad thoughts don’t bother to hold their head high enough to notice a glass ceiling the future, the intern uses it as a mirror  be present and sees himself in it ideal self in the future is achievable.

When will that  intern throw rocks at the glass ceiling so pieces of it can fall and cut the other employees?! kill seeds of doubt/get away from negative influences

When will that fucking CEO jump up out of its throne screaming at the top of its lungs because the intern spilled hot ass coffee on the boss’s lap?! kill that negative voice in your head

I’ll tell you when …

When you  develop single-mindedness.

Focus, Har-old, focus!

One of the definitions of distraction says, “mental confusion.”

Make you laugh. Make you cry. Make you knowledgable. Make you dumb.

With such contrasts no wonder why our desk mind has scattered papers scattered thoughts on it preventing us from finding that gold paper having single-minded focus in the Age Of Distraction we’re looking for.

With your fist firmly pressed down on the gold paper, swipe, swipe, swipe until it’s the only one left and the rest are trashed. You Need To Go On A Clutter Diet

Lean that “corporate” ladder against the CEO’s body and let the intern climb it. Har+new takes over Har-old’s mind once and for all and no more relapses

And don’t be surprised if WHEN the CEO pulls the intern up once the knee level is reached. Har-old is tired of being on the outside looking in

Futuristically Yours,

Har+new

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