Tag Archives: day in the life

Bruh Man Frum Da Fif’ Flo’

guy pissed in the hallway of apartment complex

Come to find out
That wasn’t a leaky roof
That was some sneaky dude
Urinating in the corner wait a minute wait a minute time out
Did you think you was pissing on the side of the toilet and no one would hear? Well the bed I climbed out
But this ain’t my house, just a place I called home going on six November’s
And his great defender … “I had to go real bad” ya couldn’t do this outside? aww that’s right ya would’ve been registered a sex offender
What about the next adventure? The bathroom in the lobby? Aww it was locked and wasn’t set to enter?
What about the best contender? The bathroom in your apartment? “I had to go real bad. You should understand, I mean, we the same-sex and gender”
Let’s remember, it’s nothing but women in the leasing office, that won’t mean squat to them you little squirt, you good as homeless this winter
But since you was out of camera view, I guess and figure, your eviction in my hands, fist balled
And with me not being able to leave the laundry room without stepping in it because where you exit enter, how can I not be pissed off?
Big dog, you should’ve been the first person I sat in this electric chair, 53 million how high the voltage
But I just decided to call the police and can you believe Officer Smith muthafuckin’ fly was open?!
No lie not joking, but since he didn’t witness the guy unloading, all he could do was give me his information to pass along to management
Benjamin Wright 550 June 12th 1974 Gemini? dammit man that’s damaging

resident mopping up urine

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The Rent Is Too Damn Low

 

Based on actual events

FADE IN

INT. JIMMY’S APARTMENT – EVENING

Jimmy reads an email on his phone when he hears noise outside his door. He looks out the peephole. He sees no one. He opens the door and finds a white envelope with his apartment number on it taped to the door. He opens the mail and reads it.

JIMMY

What’s this?! 30 day notice of rent increase?!  I just signed a new lease over a week ago. Wheet?! $369?! The last letter said $469. Hold on!

Jimmy puts on some shoes and runs to the leasing office.

EXT. OUTSIDE JIMMY’S APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

INT. LEASING OFFICE – EVENING

JIMMY

I know y’all about to close in 5 minutes but somebody just put this on my door.

MANAGER

I did.

JIMMY

I don’t get it.

MANAGER

It’s your 30 day notice of rent increase.

JIMMY

But my lease up in November. Not December. I just came in here on the 20th and signed a new one.

ASSISTANT

Yeah, I’m the one who did his appointment.

The assistant gets the paperwork from the filing cabinet and shows it to the manager.

MANAGER

Oh, our mistake.

JIMMY

But what about the $369 on that paper. The last notice said $469.

MANAGER

For a new lease it’s actually $359.

JIMMY

Remember I asked you a week ago why my rent increased by $100? And you said it was no particular reason, that’s just at the request of the landlord.

MANAGER

Nah, I don’t remember.

JIMMY

You gotta remember my rent $469. Remember before I signed the lease y’all addressed my concerns and assured me the washers and dryers were gone be fixed the next day? Then I asked about the elliptical and you said you personally was trying to locate one because you use it a lot yourself.  Do you remember my rent is $469 now and NOT this $359?

MANAGER

No.

ASSISTANT

You probably was looking at the six-month.

JIMMY

Nah, nah, nah. I know what I saw. That was for a year. I don’t have time to go get the papers right now because y’all closing but I can tomorrow.

ASSISTANT

You already signed a new lease. You don’t have to come back in here tomorrow. It was our mistake.

JIMMY

But I need to show you the proof my rent is $469 and not this $359 or $369 y’all talking about.

The manager, the assistants, and the other leasing office occupants look at each other in disbelief.

MANAGER

(stern delivery)

Sir, do you want your rent to be $469 or 359?

JIMMY

I want my rent to be … *smiles* AWWW! *smacks self upside head* I am so …

EVERYONE

Stupid?

JIMMY

Yeahhhh. That’s it!

MANAGER

Sir, your rent for the next 12 months will be $359, however, we’re going to charge you $10 extra for the first 2 months because your stupidity has us working overtime.

JIMMY

I deserve it!

EXT. OUTSIDE APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING

Jimmy clicks his heels as he runs back to his apartment.

FADE OUT

“Oooh Girl They All At The Park With This!”

Based on actual events

Roman – I’m gone kill her!
Nubrisco – Calm down, Rome! She not worth your freedom.
Roman – I don’t care. I don’t care. I’m going to jail.
Nubrisco – Man, will you slow down and breathe. Talk to me!
Roman – I’m done talking.
Nubrisco – I can’t let you do this. You not thinking straight. *wraps Roman’s arms up with his and holds him in a standstill*
Roman – Let me go!
Nubrisco – No!

*2 girls walk by*

Chanita – Oooh girl they all at the park with this!
Nubrisco – *lets Roman go*
Roman – *runs off*
Nubrisco – Rome …

*the 2 girls look at Nubrisco with an anticipating stare*

*Nubrisco looks at their curious faces*

Nubrisco – Rome … uhhh how you BEAUTIFUL PRETTY SEXY GORGEOUS HOT ladies doing?
Chanita – Hmmhmm.
Kim – Boy, whatever! *snaps fingers*

*the 2 girls walk off*

Nubrisco – *softly utters* Damn, Rome!

The next day …

Kim – Oh my God, girl. Come here. Look who on the news!
Chanita – Who?
Kim – That’s that guy we saw in the park yesterday who ran off when we caught him hugging the dude who tried to flirt with us. News saying he killed his girlfriend.
Chanita – Damn. I guess he was bi.
Kim – You know what, I don’t think he is. I think he was straight. They probably wasn’t hugging. His friend probably was holding him. I don’t know. But I don’t think we should go to that park again. We should cancel our morning walk.
Chanita – Why? The news said they caught him, though.
Kim – Yeahhhh but what about his friend???
Chanita – Surely you can’t believe his friend would hold us responsible for him letting his friend go ’cause he didn’t want us to think he was gay?
Kim – He just might! I’m not willing to find out. I say we find another park to workout at.
Chanita – Girl, you worry too much. I’m going for my walk.
Kim – Let’s just go to another park.
Chanita – I like that park. How can he blame us for not being strong in his sexuality??? He should’ve kept hugging him. Or holding him, whatever. Plus, we didn’t drive his friend crazy. We not his girlfriend. Look. I’m going to the park in 30 minutes. You coming or not?
Kim – … I can’t. I just can’t. Got a bad feeling about that park. I’m sorry. Let’s just go to another one, ‘Nita.
Chanita – You worry too much!
Kim – *sigh* Well at least talk to me on the phone the whole time you’re there.
Chanita – … ok then. Well I’m mad you got me going alone. But ok. I’ll call you when I get there.

37 minutes later …

Chanita – Girl, I’m 10 minutes into my walk. Nobody out here! You should’ve came! Ugh!
Kim – I apologize. I just couldn’t. I just had these gut feelings when we was watching the news. But you know I would have if you went to another park. It’s one not too far from that one. You too stubborn.
Chanita – No, you worry too much. But anywayyyyys girl, did you see that Vine video of this girl getting hit in the head with a shovel???
Kim – Hahaha. Oh my God! That was the most awkward fight I EVER seen. They up there getting to know each other before the fight, petting animals and shit.
Chanita – The girl in black like what’s your birthday. Haha.
Kim – She was like, “don’t hit me in the face.” You in a fight, dumb ass!
Chanita – You saw when her fat ass friend tried to help her and ran up to the house then her mama came out with that lil’ ass dog? Haha. Girl, I was dying … *breathing hard*
Kim – Girl, you must be having an awesome ass workout? You suddenly started breathing hard as hell. Haha.
Chanita – *drops phone* KIM!!!!!!!!
Kim – Hello? Hello? Hello? Chanita, what’s wrong? Hello? Chanita? Hello? HELLOOOOOOOOOO. SAY SOMETHING! I CAN’T HEAR YOU. CHANITA, YOU THERE? OH MY GOD! HELLOOOOOOO!
Nubrisco – *picks up phone* Well hello there!
Kim – *gasps and drops phone, shattering the glass screen*

“Lil’ Girl Go Get Your Mama”

Based on a true story

Taco Bell – Good morning. What can I get for you today?
Sonny – Waffle Taco Sausage and AM Crunchwrap Steak.
Taco Bell – Ok. That will be $5.44.
Sonny – *squints at screen and sees BCN* No! I said AM Crunchwrap STEAK!
Taco Bell – I’m sorry. I thought you said bacon.

30 minutes later …

Taco Bell – Here you go.
Sonny – Thanks.

*Car pulls off*

Sonny – *checks bag* THIS IS NOT IT!

*Car skirts*

Sonny – *jumps out car, storms in restaurant* Hey, hey … you gave me a hashbrown in place of my Waffle Taco Sausage!!!
Taco Bell – *cook comes out* What’s wrong?
Sonny – I ordered a Waffle Taco Sausage and AM Crunchwrap Bacon. No I mean Sausage. No! STEAK! You got me messing up. You gave me a hashbrown and AM Crunchwrap Bacon. Dammit! STEAK!
Taco Bell – I’m sorry. Give me one minute to correct this, sir.

43 minutes later …

Sonny – *on tippy toes, peaking in kitchen to make sure no saliva is being added*
Taco Bell – Here you go, sir. Again I do apologize for that.
Sonny – *thinks to self* They ought to give me back that hashbrown if they really sorry. I’m gone be late for work!

9 hours later …

Subway – What can I get for you today, sir?
Sonny – Footlong Italian Herbs and Cheese bread.
Subway – *pulls out bread* What kind of sandwich?
Sonny – Meatball Marinara. Add pepperoni.
Subway – You gone have to get a 6-inch.
Sonny – *confused look* What? Why?
Subway – We only have 4 meatballs.
Sonny – *looks behind* Four? You can go ahead of me, mam.
Lady – Thanks. I want the …
Sonny – *looks in cookie section* Yall out of cookies, too?
Subway – That’s all we have, man.
Sonny – All y’all have? I don’t see nothing. *leans back* Oh those 3. Will y’all be cooking anymore meatballs?
Subway – We have some in the back but they’re froze. If you want to sit down and wait, I can unthaw them for you?
Sonny – Nahhhh that’s okay. Will y’all be putting anymore cookies out?
Subway – No. It’s the end of day.
Sonny – *checks watch* *thinks to self* They don’t close for another 3 hours??? *shakes head* You can go ahead of me, sir.
Man – Thanks. Let me get the …
Sonny – *plays background, looking at above menu* *thinks to self* Damn! All I ever get is the meatball. I don’t want to experiment.

25 minutes later …

Sonny – I can’t decide. I give up! I’m going somewhere else. *storms out restaurant*

11 minutes later …

Yums – Hi. What can I get for you today?
Sonny – *thinks to self* This lil’ 13 year old girl gone take my order? They must be training their daughter?  Ok. Steak, Egg, Cheese footlong. Just mayo, lettuce and pickle on it. And I want a season fry.

27 minutes later …

Yums – Here you go.
Sonny – Thanks. *thinks to self* Hmmm … With the day I had I bet not leave out this restaurant without checking my food. *unwraps sandwich packaging, checks food* What the hell is this on my bread?!?!
Sonny – LIL’ GIRL GO GET YOUR MAMA!
Yums – What’s wrong?
Sonny – You see this? I got MOLD on the edges of my bread!
Yums – Oooh. We get you another one.

42 minutes later …

Yums – Here you go, sir. Sorry for that.
Sonny – *thinks to self* I know it’s unlikely since I put them on notice but what if they did it again? *sits sandwich on table and unwraps it.*
Yums – *nervously looks on*
Sonny – *thinks to self* Everything looks okay. Now how the hell I wrap this back up? How they do it? Umm … *attempts and fails* DAMMIT I’M GOING GROCERY SHOPPING!