Tag Archives: death

I’ll Call Your Name When You Vacuum (WordPressident #14)

Image via @TheSims
I’m blowing text text text in bubbles,
They tell ya failure,
I’m in trouble,
Swimming 6 feet is a struggle,
Hasselhoff hustle hustle,
You say you, you know me
Blue-blue-blue, blue-blue-blue, blue-blue … blue
Mr. Blankman finish my sentence for me
Started with me wanting the boys to wonder, “Is her bikini bottom real?”
Ends with me finding out Bikini Bottom’s real
Hello, hell low
Sharks circling SquarePants is The Shape Of Water, acute
I am fibbing on the triangles and should octagon before they channel me into a mute
Turn it up mama your baby on TV blink at 182
When I go Down Under tell my little sister I went to Australia and when the water changes color tell my little brother I pee’d in the pool
I love you, you and you
And I promise I’ll see you all very soon
Next time you clean your room
I’ll call your name when you vacuüm
Whatever you do, don’t go looking for me in the front or you’ll be the one living in a vacuüm
It’s not over until the fat lady sings
“In your Krispy Kreme dreams”
Boom boom room!



Kiss Peace 💋 🕊



I Accidentally Killed My Mom! (LiveBlog)

Have you ever typed something while the barrel of a glock is pushed against your occiput?

This is my first time.

15 years ago, me and another customer pulled up in the lot of Wal-Mart. We parked bumper to bumper. A young woman got out and started for the entrance. As I was walking pass her vehicle I saw a child in the backseat sleeping. I yelled out, “Mam! Mam! Your baby!” She graciously thanked me and said she forgot her son was in the car because of his taciturn. 21 minutes into their shopping, in the back of the store, near the electronics section, for a few moments, she left her cart unattended. A basket her son was sitting in with her purse next to him. The inquisitive toddler reached into it, unzipped a special pocket for a concealed weapon and accidentally shot his mother in the head, instantly killing her. I heard, what I thought was a roof collapse, in the food section.

Over a decade later, that boy’s father got tired of lying to his son when he questioned where his mom was and why she never came home. He decided his son was old enough to know the truth. His father showed him the video surveillance he obtained from the Sheriff’s office after investigators ruled the incident was an accident. The video showed that heartbreaking moment, but the reason I’m sitting here with a gun pressed to the back of my head is because it also showed the parking lot footage. A 17-year-old man, who was once that 2-year-old little boy, is on the other side of this gun.

Before I die, I want the world to know the truth. I am responsible for Victoria Miller’s death. Not her son! I am the one who should have lived a life of confusion and anger these last 15 years. Not her son! I am the one who should have been lied to over and over and told it wasn’t my fault knowing it GOT DAMN WAS. Not her son! If I had just minded my business that day. The weather was 46 degrees on March 30, 2000. Not hot enough to have killed this baby. Mrs. Miller was just going in to get a few things. She wouldn’t even have needed a shopping cart. She would have been in the 10 items or less lane. I will pay for this with my life. And I will. To my family and friends, I love you!!! I hope my death teaches you to MIND YOUR GOT DAMN BUSINESS. Goodbye!

Okay, okay.

Uhh … I am being told, I am being told by the young man I can be saved. I can be saved. Okay. He says all I have to do is, is press control-alt-delete on this wireless keyboard and turn on the TV and put it on the local news.

He told me to close my eyes and count to a hundred. When I got to the century mark I waited on further instruction. It was this long scary silence. I didn’t see his reflection in the computer and looked over my shoulder. He was gone! He’s gone! And I’m still alive!!! There are skid marks in my lawn. He is gone! He really just left my house? I’m still here. No one died. Me or him. I can’t imagine how the last 15 years of his life must’ve been. Once he finally knew the truth it must’ve been hard to accept and he needed to transfer responsibility. But something’s not right. I feel funny. I should be dead. His anger. His aggressiveness. The way the gun was moving on the back of my head, I could tell he was nervous. How did his shaky finger manage to not jerk the trigger? Why did he bring this external keyboard and have me type on it? I’m typing on my laptop’s keyboard now. And why did he have me press control-alt-delete and he knows I have a Mac? Did he have me turn on the TV so I wouldn’t hear him leave?

There’s breaking news.

A car exploded.


I’m sure there are 100’s of White Nissan Maxima’s in the city. But this car wasn’t on the road; it’s in a driveway. Houses can look the same. Yeah, there are plenty homes with a Flintstone car in the front yard, and a little red corvette, and a see-saw, and a garden that looks like a bed with pillows and blankets on it. The reporter said the address. Is it possible, is it possible to have the same address as someone else who lives in your city? What am I seeing, like what is this? I don’t understand what’s happening.

Curious. I pressed control-alt-delete on the wireless keyboard again and this time the house exploded. I’m watching the fucking live shot on the news right now. Frozen. Only my heart and my fingers can move at this point.

I take my eyes off the TV and looked at what he told me to title this post. That’s when it hit me. He wasn’t talking about himself; he was talking about ME!!!

He got even.

I accidentally killed my mom.

Man Dives Head First In An Empty Pool


A Phoenix man falls to his death after diving head first in a pool without water. Here’s the account of the story by his friend, who was going to dive in second:

There was water in the pool, okay. We tested the water. He dipped his feet in it; I put my hand in it and splashed some water on him. So, there was definitely water in the pool when we was on the ground. Kyle even remarked how clean the water was. He said, ‘Man, this pool so clean it looks like there’s no water in it.’ The diving board was like 30 feet in the air. It took us what seemed like 10 minutes to climb the ladder to the top. When we’re there, we start playfully going back and forth about who’s going first. ‘No, you are! No, you are!’ Stuff like that. It could have very well been him telling you this story. Then we look down, notice people getting out of the pool. Finally, Kyle calls me a chicken and says he’s going to be the brave one. He dived in head first, arms out in front. He obviously had to have his eyes closed the entire time because you would think as you’re getting close to the pool you would notice it wasn’t water in it and contorted your body midair. Then … I just hear this explosion, which must have been his head, red stuff flowing, his body just laying still *cries*. I scream out at him, ‘KYLE! KYLE! KYLE!’ He didn’t move! I start shaking, getting dizzy, knees buckling and almost fall off the diving board myself in panic. Then I struggled to climb down, losing my grip on the ladder, thoughts racing. I kept telling myself, ‘THAT didnt happen! THAT did NOT happen!’ We was just down there together playing in the water. Finally … I get down there … *sigh*. Last thing I remember was screaming and fainting at what I saw. He didn’t have a head! I died too for an hour. When we saw those people getting out of the pool earlier that’s because some pool boys told them to get out because they were about to let out the water so they can clean the pool. Clean the pool?!?! That pool was clean as shit! Not one of those people told them pool boys we was on the diving board. Not one! I know they saw us when we passed the pool. What has this world come to?

Kyle’s friend, Anthony, and Kyle’s family are pressing charges of reckless endangerment and homicide against everyone: the Phoenix pool community, the 2 pool boys, and the 15 people that was in the pool at the time, which includes 8 children.

One of the people in the pool, Josh Bardem, a school teacher, has insinuated a new theory. Said he, “If 1 or 2 of us got out the pool, fine, but ALL 15 people got out the pool simultaneously. That didn’t seem odd to you? You didn’t start to get suspicious? Maybe he did … and maybe his friend did too. I think we should investigate just how well those 2 ‘best friends,’ those ‘great pals’ were getting along … if there is such a thing.”

Built on top of:
An Aye Verb tweet

Was this murder (on who?) or a honest mistake?

Creative Writing Challenge Goes Wrong: Sister Commits Suicide Reading What Brother Wrote

Image Via Twitter
Image Via Twitter

“During hard times, everyone thinks of giving up, of committing suicide,” said, high school English teacher, Arthur Cobb. For the first assignment of the 2013-2014 school year, Mr. Cobb put a twist on a creative writing challenge he previously assigned.  “Last year, I had the students recall a difficult period they went through and write a suicide note as if they were still in those times. Went great. This year, I wanted the students to write a suicide note, not for themselves, but for someone else. They had to write it as they were this person. It had to be someone they personally knew so the letter sounded convincing. I never intended on the person they’re writing for to read it. That’s why I told them at the end of class, sit their work on my desk.” However, one student, 17-year-old  Jeet Spencer, followed orders, but still managed to leave class with it in his hand. How? He wrote it twice. “My big sister is always teasing me how she’s a better writer, and I was so happy how believable my letter was, I made a copy of it, so I could show it to her. She wasn’t home when I got from school. I went in her room and laid the letter on her pillow. When I came back an hour later, she was hanging from the ceiling. I ran to get mom.”

“I kicked him out the house, said their mother, Carmen Spencer. Him and his teacher, they killed my baby!” she wept. “I thought he was telling me he wrote the suicide note so I wouldn’t be mad at May for being selfish. It was too authentic. The voice of it, same handwriting, everything. She suffered from depression her whole life, and attempted suicide before. But she’s been really happy lately. Boyfriend, school, job. And I know reading this letter put her back in that dark place, and made her forget about her newfound happiness for a few minutes. May is known as the writer of the house. I didn’t believe Jeet wrote it until his teacher confirmed it.”

The Kansas City Police Department are investigating the matter to determine whether this was a suicide or homicide. Ms. Spencer prays for the latter. “She was happy for once in her life! They brought her back down! They killed my baby!”

Built on top of:

  • People writing the obituaries of others before they actually die, like Nelson Mandela. 

Was this a suicide or homicide?

5 Reasons Why You Should Write A “Long-term Suicide” Note

I love eating breakfast at Shoney's
I love eating breakfast at Shoney’s

Dear Har-old,

Jobs confided in Sculley that he believed he would die young, and therefore he needed to accomplish things quickly so that he would make his mark on Silicon Valley history. “We all have a short period of time on earth,” he told the Sculleys as they sat around the table that morning. “We probably only have the opportunity to do a few things really great and do them well. None of us has any idea how long we’re going to be here, nor do I, but my feeling is I’ve got to accomplish a lot of these things while I’m young.”

What is a long-term suicide note? It’s the same as a standard suicide note with the exception of being written for a future date if you don’t achieve your ultimate goal in life. Har-old, here are 5 reasons on why you should let the ink from your pen bleed:

You WILL get things done faster!

Life is unfair! But what exactly IS the most unfair thing about life? Not knowing when you’re going to die! Shoulder-shrugging to this answer causes you to think you will live forever, especially being a young person. And when you think you will live forever, you got all the time in the world to do things. You’re slow to act. Compare this to older people. They achieve more. Why? It’s not because they have more experience, wisdom, or connections. It’s because they associate their old age with being closer to death. As a result, their productivity shoots through the roof!

Helps you be present

It’s a sticky note on your mirror. One of the first questions you should ask yourself every morning is, “If today was the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today?” Wednesday? No! Thursday? No! Friday? No! WTF?! You want to know why you haven’t answered yes yet? Because often times you don’t even know what you’re going to do today. That’s called STILL not planning out your entire week every Saturday morning. 4-5 hours of planning will shield you from drifting, wasting time, and doing things out of boredom. It’s funny TODAY is in the middle of PAST and FUTURE because it definitely gets sandwiched like the thin slice of meat it is. The PAST is the BOTTOM bun for a reason. The FUTURE is the TOP bun so you can remove it to check the condition of the sandwich (you). Is the meat well-done? Is the cheese melted? Is there spit on your burger? Start eating without the bread. Give the sandwich of life more meat. Make today your bitch!

Puts you in control

Did you ask to be here? Take control from your parents and kill yourself. But not now, of course! Remember when you conducted that college survey for Yeebizan? Remember what you listened to because you was shy about pitching strangers your idea? Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement Speech! That part about death was the drive behind your fearlessness. No matter how cold the world is, you will always be naked out here. Accept death! YOU WILL DIE ONE DAY! I’m trying to turn that vague, mysterious “one day” into a clear, definite date. Remembering that day will put you in control of your fears. You’re wasting your time telling your parents you didn’t ask to be in this old cold world. Take back your control, rule the world, and go back to being a pain in the balls.

Suicide Pact

Associate with those that say, “If I don’t *insert ultimate goal* by the time I’m 50, I’m killing myself.” People say that jokingly. Well, hold them accountable! If they don’t take care of their responsibility, give them the Tyler Durden to Raymond treatment in the back of the convenience store and kill them if they’re not on their way to becoming a veterinarian in 6 weeks. I’m not playing!

Take advantage of your youth

Ugh! I feel like killing you right now for making me write this to begin with! I said this last October! You won’t have no youth to protect you if you keep waiting.

I don’t care what format it’s in. Read it every night if you write it. Listen to it every night if you record it. Watch it every night if you tape it.



P.S. These letters are about to get real interesting! Tags fantasy, science fiction, and movies are coming soon!


How To Live Forever

Dear Har-old,

American novelist Chuck Palahniuk said,

We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.

When an entrepreneur, an inventor, the mastermind, or just a person in general, dies, they always say WHO they’re survived by. For instance, Steve Jobs:

Jobs is survived by his wife of 20 years, Laurene, and four children, including one from a prior relationship.

The thing I dislike about being survived by a WHO is that person will eventually die themselves. That’s temporary survival. You want staying power. So, Har-old, would you like to know how to truly live forever? Be survived by a WHAT. An idea. A good one. A great one.

Instead of being survived by a WHO, a person with their own mind, be survived by a WHAT, YOUR mind.

You know how they say of someone who’s in la la land:

He’s in his own world. Physically here; mentally there.

Well, let’s reverse that in death da da land: mentally here; physically there. Here is living. There is gone.

The idea is to be survived by your energy.

I use to fear death. Then I discovered the power of my mind and the ideas it could produce. You know what’s so powerful about your ideas? They are instant businesses. It isn’t how fast you can think of a good idea, but rather, how fast this good idea can be a reality existing outside of your mind. And you’re becoming king of that. It is happening NOW.

The lightbulb is not on the top of your head. It’s in your head, genius. Your brain is the lightbulb, Har-old.

Futuristically yours,


P.S.  I don’t think I’m done with that drawing. I think I should add upside down lightbulbs.

Death Is Written In Blood On The Mirror

If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.

Just like Steve Jobs, I want this quote to make a strong impression on you.

From now on, every morning, I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself, “If today was the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today?”

But I think this question is better in hindsight than foresight.

So, I want you to ask yourself this, “If yesterday was the last day of my life, am I happy with how I spent it?”

If the answer is “NO!” for 3 consecutive days, you NEED to change something. Something, Har-old. You have to! This is a must.

Apply what I told you in 3 Months To Live.

As I’m writing this to you, I’m listening to some music from your time. It’s this Kanye West song called Drunk And Hot Girls. He just dropped a gem that is proper for this letter:

You only live once; do whatever you like.

Futuristically yours,


P.S. Listen to the third story from Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement Speech over and over until you get it. My favorite lines was, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” Are you inspired yet?