- TITLE: You are what you eat
- LENGTH: 30 sec – 1 min
- PRODUCT: Whopper
- WRITER: Har+new
This is a dual column screenplay where the description of the action would be on the left and the dialogue on the right, but since I don’t have that feature (some plug-in) in my post editor so I’m going to utilize the horizontal line.
Two men pull out chairs from a dining table.
“You mind sitting in the next seat.”
“You act as if I’m sitting in the next seat and not the one across from you.”
“Well, I would rather you sit in the next seat than the one directly in from of me because then your bright red hair wouldn’t be blocking my view and those clown feet wouldn’t be stepping on mines.”
As both men are sitting down, a server brings them their food on trays.
“Dude, you ordered 6 cheeseburgers?! You better chill. You know you are what you eat with each bite, right?”
Second man unwraps one of his sandwiches and it is revealed to be BURGER KING in a red bubbly font between two shiny buns (the logo). After he takes his first bite the server puts a royal robe over his shoulders. After he takes his 2nd bite the server puts a crown on his head. After 3rd bite the server pulls up a throne. As the man sits in his new seat and is about to take the 4th bite, the server, who is a woman, snatches the sandwich out his hand. The server sits in the chair next to him and starts feeding and fanning him with her hand. After watching all of this in confusion, the second man runs back to the counter.
“Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our …”
“Shut up and take my money! I want everything on the menu!”
“Sir, are you sure? You know you are what you eat, right?”
The man turns his head, looking back at his table where the server is still feeding his friend.
INT. MCDONALD’S – AFTERNOON
Yes sir, how may I help you?
Yeah, I want 2 Hot & Spicy’s; one regular, other buffalo ranch.
Okay, that will be $2.19
As the customer waits on the preparation of his food, he overhears the manager talking to a customer in the drive-thru.
My food was cold!
Mam, I can replace the fish sandwich but I can’t replace the fries; it’s only 3 left in here. Why did you eat them if they were cold?
I want some hot fries or I want my money back!
I can replace the fish sandwich because it was intact but you only left 3 fries in the box.
And if you touch them you will feel how cold they are!
Maybe it’s because it’s been 15 minutes since your original visit?
Nah, McDonald’s use that special industrial grease that keep your food hot a long time; y’all just gave me some shit out the freezer.
Mam, I’m sorry, McDonald’s policy is to not replace food that’s been consumed or a shell of its former self. But, you know what, I will give you a free small fry.
I had a muthafucking large!
Sir, here’s your 2 Hot & Spicy’s.
As the customer walks off the McDonald’s parking lot, right where vehicles enter and exit, a big truck doing the latter, almost runs him over. Fortunately, the roaring engine and his peripheral vision saved his life. However, he was still angry, upset enough to throw one of his McChicken’s through the truck’s rolled down windows, hitting the driver smack in the face. Frustrated. He walks back into McDonald’s.
I need to replace a Hot & Spicy!
I had to throw one at that lady that was just in the drive-thru for almost running me over.
Overhearing this, the manager comes to the counter. Knowing he couldn’t see the makeup of the vehicle or its occupants because of the wall barrier between the drive-thru and register area, she is curious.
How did the vehicle look?
It was a hulking grayish SUV.
Who was in it?
An older woman was driving. A man was on the passenger side. He had a blue hat on. There was a younger girl in the backseat with braids in her head. And it looked like a baby seat was next to her.
Would you like some fries with that?
Make ’em hawt!
FADE TO BLACK
Titles to upcoming posts:
Shade But No Shade
Based on actual events
Challis – Call in for pickup.
Yums – Go ahead with your order.
Challis – I want the Steak, Egg, and Cheese footlong. 12 inch. I only want …
Yums – Now do you want the combo?
Challis – Let me finish saying what I want on my sandwich. I want lettuce, mayo, and pickle on it.
Yums – Do you want the combo?
Challis – I want a large seasoned fry.
Yums – Do you want the combo? I need to know if it’s the combo so I know what button to push.
Challis – I never said I wanted the combo. I don’t want a drink.
Yums – Ok. Well, what’s your order?
Challis – What?! I JUST TOLD YOU MY ORDER!
Yums – What was your order?
Challis – I told you a footlong Steak, Egg, Cheese. Lettuce, mayo …
Yums – You want the combo?
Challis – *hangs up phone* Grrr! I’ll just go in.
*Challis walks to Yum’s, which is 3 minutes from his house. Next to Yum’s is a corner store, where out-front stands a dark-skinned guy who appears to be in his late teens or early 20’s. Challis crosses his path*
Dark-skinned guy – *sees target 15 feet away* Aye Lil’ Red.
Challis – *looks left, right, and behind to see are any girls around him*
Dark-skinned guy – Lil’ Red. Aye Lil’ Red.
Challis – *thinks to self* I JUST KNOW THIS FOOL NOT TALKING TO ME. *comes face to face as approaching Yums*
Dark-skinned guy – Aye Lil’ Red. You mind helping me and my brother get something to eat?
Challis – *thinks to self* THIS GAY ASS *expletive* CALLING ME BY MY SKIN-TONE LIKE HE HOLLERING AT A FEMALE. THIS WHAT GIRLS GO THROUGH???
Dark-skinned guy – *sees he’s being ignored and pesters the next person approaching the store* Aye New Jordans …
*Challis walks into Yum’s*
Yums – How may I help you?
Challis – *recognizes the voice from the phone* I want the …
15 minutes later …
*During the time Challis is waiting, via Yum’s big windows, he keeps his eye on the dark-skinned guy in front of the convenience store*
Yums – Your order is ready.
Challis – *thinks to self* About time! If you would have heard me over the phone, I would be in here 30 seconds.
Yums – *smiles* Goodbye.
Challis – *approaches the door and stands there* Let me check my food. *opens lid containing fries* Ok. *unwraps sandwich* WHAT THE FUCK?!
Yums – What’s wrong?
Challis – YOU SEE THIS?!?! GREEN FUCKING MOLD ON MY BREAD!!!!!
*2 customers walk in, overhear “green mold on bread” and turn back around to leave*
Challis – WHAT IF I WAS ONE OF THESE POOR DUPES WHO DON’T CHECK THEIR FOOD UNTIL THEY GET HOME??? HUH??? I LIVE A DAMN HOUR AWAY FROM HERE. I WOULD’VE BEEN PISSED OFF. YOU KNOW WHAT, I BELIEVE YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE. YOU SCREWED WITH ME OVER THE PHONE AND HAD ME COMING IN HERE WAITING FOREVER … TO GET THIS!!!
Yums – Calm down, sir. We will fix you another one free of charge. Here’s your $8.73 back for the sandwich.
10 minutes later …
Yums – Ok. Here’s your sandwich, sir. Again, sorry for that. Please check the sandwich to insure its quality.
Challis – *unwraps sandwich* Hmm.
Yums – Is everything to your satisfaction?
Challis – *ignores and exits* *thinks to self* Although, I got my money back and got a FREE CLEAN sandwich for my troubles, I STILL don’t want it. I’m too pissed to eat. They always do this. Why do I eat here? And now I gotta cross paths with this gay ass *expletive* again. Wait … *checks jacket pocket and pulls out packet of Ricin* This! *unwraps sandwich packaging and sprinkles Ricin on it* *heads back toward corner store*
Dark-skinned guy – Aye Lil’ Red can you …
Challis – I heard you the first time. You want some money to help you and your brother get something to eat, right?
Dark-skinned guy – Yeah.
Challis – Well I don’t have no money on me but I do have this nice delicious Steak, Egg, and Cheese footlong and large seasoned fries. Why don’t y’all share it?
Dark-skinned guy – Ohhhh thanks so much, Lil’ Red.
Challis – *fake smiling* Oh and don’t worry about how it’s wrapped. I had to unwrap it to make sure my order was right. You know how we black people feel about Chinese food.
Dark-skinned guy – Haha. What are you going to eat?
Challis – Some homecooking!
4 days later …
Challis – Look, I know you watching the game right now, but the news is about to come on. I just need to watch the first 10 minutes of it.
Lil’ brother – Again? You never use to watch the news. You been coming in here the last 4 days doing this. What’s with you? You getting old.
Challis – Shut up and give me the remote. *changes channel*
News reporter – BREAKING NEWS TONIGHT: 2 men are dead from Ricin posioning after eating at Yum’s restaurant. Police has brought the whole Yum’s staff in for questioning.
Lil’ brother – Why you smiling?
Challis – Oh … nothing! Hey, what do you say big brother take you somewhere fun today?
Lil’ brother – Really??? Oh man! Ooooh. Let’s go to … oooh nah let’s go to …
FADE TO BLACK
Based on a true story
Taco Bell – Good morning. What can I get for you today?
Sonny – Waffle Taco Sausage and AM Crunchwrap Steak.
Taco Bell – Ok. That will be $5.44.
Sonny – *squints at screen and sees BCN* No! I said AM Crunchwrap STEAK!
Taco Bell – I’m sorry. I thought you said bacon.
30 minutes later …
Taco Bell – Here you go.
Sonny – Thanks.
*Car pulls off*
Sonny – *checks bag* THIS IS NOT IT!
Sonny – *jumps out car, storms in restaurant* Hey, hey … you gave me a hashbrown in place of my Waffle Taco Sausage!!!
Taco Bell – *cook comes out* What’s wrong?
Sonny – I ordered a Waffle Taco Sausage and AM Crunchwrap Bacon. No I mean Sausage. No! STEAK! You got me messing up. You gave me a hashbrown and AM Crunchwrap Bacon. Dammit! STEAK!
Taco Bell – I’m sorry. Give me one minute to correct this, sir.
43 minutes later …
Sonny – *on tippy toes, peaking in kitchen to make sure no saliva is being added*
Taco Bell – Here you go, sir. Again I do apologize for that.
Sonny – *thinks to self* They ought to give me back that hashbrown if they really sorry. I’m gone be late for work!
9 hours later …
Subway – What can I get for you today, sir?
Sonny – Footlong Italian Herbs and Cheese bread.
Subway – *pulls out bread* What kind of sandwich?
Sonny – Meatball Marinara. Add pepperoni.
Subway – You gone have to get a 6-inch.
Sonny – *confused look* What? Why?
Subway – We only have 4 meatballs.
Sonny – *looks behind* Four? You can go ahead of me, mam.
Lady – Thanks. I want the …
Sonny – *looks in cookie section* Yall out of cookies, too?
Subway – That’s all we have, man.
Sonny – All y’all have? I don’t see nothing. *leans back* Oh those 3. Will y’all be cooking anymore meatballs?
Subway – We have some in the back but they’re froze. If you want to sit down and wait, I can unthaw them for you?
Sonny – Nahhhh that’s okay. Will y’all be putting anymore cookies out?
Subway – No. It’s the end of day.
Sonny – *checks watch* *thinks to self* They don’t close for another 3 hours??? *shakes head* You can go ahead of me, sir.
Man – Thanks. Let me get the …
Sonny – *plays background, looking at above menu* *thinks to self* Damn! All I ever get is the meatball. I don’t want to experiment.
25 minutes later …
Sonny – I can’t decide. I give up! I’m going somewhere else. *storms out restaurant*
11 minutes later …
Yums – Hi. What can I get for you today?
Sonny – *thinks to self* This lil’ 13 year old girl gone take my order? They must be training their daughter? Ok. Steak, Egg, Cheese footlong. Just mayo, lettuce and pickle on it. And I want a season fry.
27 minutes later …
Yums – Here you go.
Sonny – Thanks. *thinks to self* Hmmm … With the day I had I bet not leave out this restaurant without checking my food. *unwraps sandwich packaging, checks food* What the hell is this on my bread?!?!
Sonny – LIL’ GIRL GO GET YOUR MAMA!
Yums – What’s wrong?
Sonny – You see this? I got MOLD on the edges of my bread!
Yums – Oooh. We get you another one.
42 minutes later …
Yums – Here you go, sir. Sorry for that.
Sonny – *thinks to self* I know it’s unlikely since I put them on notice but what if they did it again? *sits sandwich on table and unwraps it.*
Yums – *nervously looks on*
Sonny – *thinks to self* Everything looks okay. Now how the hell I wrap this back up? How they do it? Umm … *attempts and fails* DAMMIT I’M GOING GROCERY SHOPPING!