Tag Archives: fun

Unemployed Dream

My alarm clock is my cuddle buddy not in the bed the following morning

Going from a “hey big head” to a airhead, from a booty pillow to a bubble butt always wakes me up

Her schedule waits for no man

“Why you have me do the big spoon, little spoon when you knew you had to work?”

“Bear, I told you I had to get up at 6, and we did the butt ‘cheek-to-cheek.’ Remember you ripped the bedsheets with your big toe nail when we played footsie? Look!”

“Well, who was I hugging from the back?”

“Maybe your dream girl.”

“Describe her.”

“Unemployed.”

“…”

“Now baby I have to go. Your Captain Crunch is getting cold. It’s on the table, been sitting in the milk for 15 minutes which is long enough for it not to mess up the roof of your mouth. Now give me a kiss peace. A closed-mouth one though. You got morning breath. I don’t want to have to brush my teeth all over again. You know toothpaste makes me gag.”

“Me too.”

“What we don’t have in common?”

“Hmm. We’re not in the same bed right now.”

“What about now?”

“You’re leaning over the bed. Technically, no body part is in it.”

“Now?”

“You have a really pretty smooth sore-free, arrow-less left knee. Looks way better than mines. Butttttt there are a few body parts I think I like a little bit better.”

“Hmm. This one?”

“Wait. Wait. Before you sit your ass on the bed long enough to make a smiley face imprint you should remember one important thing … you have to go to work.”

“Haven’t you heard?”

“What?”

“I’m unemployed.”

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WordPressident #9

Author’s note: California is pronounced Cal-lot-forn-yeah (in-sync with the subsequent rhyme patterns)

Back to make good use of the white space like FedEx
But the arrow not going East, like the logo in Arabic it’s about to head West
Los Gatos California the stop from there
It’s on to Netflix we not gone spare
It’s bad movie theater etiquette to use your smart phone, care
So if you threw up a W earlier give yourself 2 L’s to frame the shot palm air
Then prop lawn chair hope you brought a bag of popcorn here
‘Cause what we about to watch plum clear
Me tagging “and chill” at the company’s headquarters
And if you must snap a pic of me at work please make sure you get my good side like what George Washington said to the photographer before he got headquartered
They caught us, but we got away by spray painting the car like Grand Theft Auto
But the interior still black and yellow like a shell taco
Yeah I know, somebody chucked up the ground beef
But thankfully I’m not yelling get them cornballs from ’round me
Cause Act II was smooth as butter
Even though I yawned but that was faked to stretch like Mister Fantastic
“Just because I didn’t unwrap your arm from around my neck don’t mean I’m gone stretch my legs around yours like Gemini
Ladies and gentlemen DC Vs. Marvel is happening
Fanboys and girls sing like robots
Dance like beep boo boo bop
Hee huhu ha
La la la la la laughing all the way to the bank
How is it acting like your shit don’t stank when the smell of new money overpowers it like dang darn damn
Looking at my poop saying ah ah ah I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you. Thank you, Sam-I-Am
Yes sir and yes mam we can be on a first name basis, allowed
But just know it’s Harold/hurl and if you drag it through the mud it will leave a bad taste in your mouth
Did you stick your finger too far down your throat when you said “ugh?”
Dun da da dunnnn duh

Passport Bear Comic Loosely Based On The Five Scene Story … Soon

Where Do Babies Come From?

Based on a future story

 

Lyric – Daddee, will I be tall like you and mommee?
Harnew – Yeah, when *censored* comes. You know what that is?
Lyric – My birthdayyyyy!
Harnew – You so smart!
Lyric – But I don’t wanna be tall. *pouts*
Harnew – Why?
Lyric – Cause when I get big you and mommee won’t pick me up no more. I don’t like walking.
Harnew – Haha. You gotta pick us up then.
Lyric – Daddee, why that man talk funny?
Harnew – We speak English. He’s speaking Spanish. One day you will learn how to speak another language too and talk funny.
Lyric – Daddee, why we don’t have 2 mouths? We 2 ears.
Harnew – Because you are suppose to listen twice as much as you talk.
Lyric – Daddee, why is water wet?
Harnew – *secretly checks Google* Uhhh … so we can swim in it. Don’t you like going swimming?
Lyric – Yayyyy!

Next day

Harnew – You’re awfully quiet back there, sweetie. You okay?
Lyric – I don’t want make you mad.
Harnew – Make me mad? How you gone make me mad?
Lyric – I don’t wanna ask lot of questions.
Harnew – Aww! Why not, princess?
Lyric – Cause you gone get mad at me and spank me. It hurt.
Harnew – That’s mean! Why you say that???
Lyric – When I was over Lia’s house, her mommee got mad at her for asking lot of questions.
Harnew – Aww! I’m sorry to hear that. But Lyric, honey, you and Lia don’t have the same mom. *Censored* is your mom and I’m your dad.
Lyric – O-tay.
Harnew – Remember what daddy told you yesterday about why you have 2 ears and 1 mouth?
Lyric – Bee … cause you suppose to listen twice as much as you talk? Am I right?
Harnew – That’s right, princess. Now I want you to listen to daddy carefully, okay?
Lyric – O-tay.
Harnew – You’re 4 years old and kids your age like to ask a lot of questions because learning is fun and they want to know more about the world we’re living in. You have a very curious nature I want you to keep. When people get tall, they ask less questions and make more statements because they think they know it all. Learning has gotten boring to them. I don’t want you and your baby brother to get like that when you get tall like mommy and daddee. I want you to have a questioning attitude in life, a habit of demanding and weighing evidence. Like a scientist. Question everything and everyone, including mommy and daddy. We’re not always right. Challenge us! No question is silly or stupid. I don’t care what you ask me. We will try our very very best to answer it. Now pinky promise me you will ask me a million bajillion questions. *extends pinky*
Lyric – *grabs pinky* I promise.
Harnew – Now give daddy a kissy.
Lyric – *Muah*
Harnew – I love you!
Lyric – I love you more, daddee.
Harnew – *eyes water up* Aww! You gone make me cry.
Lyric – Noooo. Don’t cry, daddee. It be ok.
Harnew – Okay. I’ll be strong for you. *kisses forehead* You gotta be up bright and early in the morning for school so it’s time for bed, okay.
Lyric – Okay. Can I ask you one question before bed time?
Harnew – Go!
Lyric – Where do babies come from?
Harnew – *thinks to self* Oh, dear!

The end