In the wake of the W and A in Waffle House being transposed in 2nd Black History Month (Africa in April), Roscoe’s House Of Chicken and Waffles didn’t waffle in their decision to shorten its name to Roscoe’s Chicken.
While the ellipsis in Roscoe’s next text bubble were flickering, Waffle House, who took the name change as batter and buffet because of their recent troubles, stole the spotlight and shined it on what they thought the reason was:
“It’s clear Roscoe’s is kicking us while we’re a pancake and pouring syrup on our wounds. If that’s how y’all wanna play, okay, well, let the games begin. We will take chicken off our menus. No more grilled chicken! The west coast ain’t got no love for waffles and country ham? The west coast ain’t got no love for waffles and country ham and Papa Joe? Y’all don’t love us? Y’all don’t love us? Well, let it be known then! We know y’all west coast! We know where 40 of our locations at! Roscoe Jenkins in the muthafucking house! You know what, more than the chicken cross the road. We taking Hi-C off the menu since y’all got the best chronic and the home of the crips. We taking ice tea off the menu since Ice-T was raised in Los Angeles. And last but not least, we taking orange juice off the muthafucking menu since O.J Simpson from San Francisco. I did it!”
Immediately following Waffle House’s confession, the flickering ellipsis in Roscoe’s text bubble became punctuation marks in sentences of enlightenment:
“The 3 of our locations that weren’t affected by our bankruptcy will be renamed Roscoe’s Chicken while the 4 that were affected will remain Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles. We’re doing this because we want a fresh start. We want to get as far away from the debt and discrimination as possible, therefore, we changed our minds about not moving into the New York market. So if you’re infringing on our trademarks out there you’re no longer safe; Change your name and logo or we will sue the Z-A-N-N out you. Herb Hudson from them Harlem streets now.”
The message continues at great length but that’s the most important part of it; I don’t want to waffle.
Realizing the blunder or blender of their Twitter fingers and the boycott growing to include O-N at the end, Waffle House typed up an apology letter with only their middle fingers (they were fucked!) and offered to donate $3.2 million to the Obama-visited restaurant to help them settle their debt with Daniel Beasley and his attorneys.
While it’s not a surprise Roscoe’s accepted the offer, it was a surprise what their former employee did with his newfound wealth. Beasley became the biggest contributor of the GoFundMe for the victims of the Nashville Waffle House shooting at $200,000. Even went out his way to donate $150 to Jacinda Mitchell and $3,000 to Chikesia Clemons for their recent pain and suffering.
As of writing, Waffle House has reported pancake stacks of slips and falls in 33 locations within the past 15 hours.
Maybe it’s the sip-sip-sizzurp!
Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!
Massachusetts – No, it wasn’t Clark Griswold leading Sudbury PD on a Chevy Chase. It was the father of Officer Noble driving tree miles-per-hour in a brand new minivan. “I’m like, dad, did you steal this? This is not our precious Malibu Most Wanted. Where did you get this from? I was stunned, you know.” Officer Noble’s partner, Officer Shambo, insisted a citation be written due to the safety hazard for all drivers. “The tree eclipsed the car. With the way the tree covered the door, if something bad would’ve happen, it would have been difficult for passengers to get out. Her little brother was inside as well. The tree dangled over the windshield causing view obstruction. Other drivers could be distracted by the tree and not pay attention to traffic,” said Officer Shambo. Noble argued against a citation in favor of a verbal warning and helping secure the tree to the roof with caution tape. After a little back and forth between the partners, Noble’s cousin jumped out the Christmas tree with a camcorder yelling “You Got Punked” in reference to the infamous Ashton Kutcher reality show. Noble learned her family and partner staged the whole event to give her Christmas present early, which was under the tree, the 2018 Chrysler Pacifica. “The patrol car was my car. Now I can feel like a soccer mom and not a bad mom having my kids ride in the backseat.”
What do you want for Christmas?
After 4 years, the cameraman who filmed popular news anchor wardrobe malfunction reveals he was terminated for the fiasco.
Panning a camera results in a motion similar to that of someone shaking their head from side to side. The perfect description of the following:
In May of 2012, Sara Eisen, then co-anchor of Bloomberg TV’s Bloomberg Surveillance, had an embarrassing on-air moment where she was caught with her dress hiked up, exposing a Big Black Contrivance strapped to her thigh.
While there was never an official public address of what the device was, a mic transmitter, a dildo, a gun holster, a shake weight in recharge mode, a flashlight, a lamp, a penis GPS locator, an umbrella, prosthetic leg, Amazon echo, from neither Eisen or Bloomberg, they did privately address who they felt was responsible for its live TV appearance, Richard Hewitt, the cameraman. “They fired me because they didn’t like my answer to why I cut Sheila Dharmarajan off mid-sentence and panned right. I said I was operating the camera with one hand. Can you believe those idiots thought I was being sexually suggestive? It was a mistake! When you are looking through the eye-piece you have zero peripheral vision, especially when she was on the right and being blocked by the camera. So, how was I suppose to know what she was doing? We always did the sweeping camera motion for the Markets Desk segment, where we got the anchor opinions on money matters.”
Hewitt, who has sold insurance since the firing, said although he’s been in the film industry for years admits to not being entirely certain what the round black tube was. “It was Brian Williams between her legs.”
- Above video
What do you think the Big Black Contrivance was?
INT. TEMP OFFICE/PROSPECT HOME – DAY
Yeah, I’m calling to check the status of my drug test and Staples application.
Well, you passed the drug test, but you didn’t do so well on the Staples personality test.
How many did I miss?
They don’t tell us. The results just come back approved or denied.
Can I re-take it?
You have to wait 6 months to apply again, but we can help you find work with other companies in the mean-time.
Long as they don’t require you to take some silly personality test. That’s my third one I failed. What in the world are they looking for?
We don’t know ourselves; test is full of trick questions.
Flashback to 4 days ago when Staples was reviewing the prospect’s test.
INT. STAPLES HQ – DAY
What’s wrong, Johnson?
Well, I’m going over this applicant’s personality test. He answered all the questions how we wanted, except for one.
It’s probably one that doesn’t matter. What was the question?
“How important is it for you to have time outside of work?” The choices were “not important,” “somewhat important,” “important,” and “very important.” He chose, umm, THAT one.
What did you say?! You wait a got-damn minute, Johnson! Slow down! That son of a bitch thinks having a life outside of work is VERY important?!?!?!
(smacks red button) DENIED!!!!!!!
Hey, what’s with the towel?
Oh, yeah, watch the men’s restroom door. Make sure no one comes in for the next 30, 35 minutes. I need to take a quick wash-up.
Yeah, sure thing, bud’.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. MCDONALD’S – AFTERNOON
Yes sir, how may I help you?
Yeah, I want 2 Hot & Spicy’s; one regular, other buffalo ranch.
Okay, that will be $2.19
As the customer waits on the preparation of his food, he overhears the manager talking to a customer in the drive-thru.
My food was cold!
Mam, I can replace the fish sandwich but I can’t replace the fries; it’s only 3 left in here. Why did you eat them if they were cold?
I want some hot fries or I want my money back!
I can replace the fish sandwich because it was intact but you only left 3 fries in the box.
And if you touch them you will feel how cold they are!
Maybe it’s because it’s been 15 minutes since your original visit?
Nah, McDonald’s use that special industrial grease that keep your food hot a long time; y’all just gave me some shit out the freezer.
Mam, I’m sorry, McDonald’s policy is to not replace food that’s been consumed or a shell of its former self. But, you know what, I will give you a free small fry.
I had a muthafucking large!
Sir, here’s your 2 Hot & Spicy’s.
As the customer walks off the McDonald’s parking lot, right where vehicles enter and exit, a big truck doing the latter, almost runs him over. Fortunately, the roaring engine and his peripheral vision saved his life. However, he was still angry, upset enough to throw one of his McChicken’s through the truck’s rolled down windows, hitting the driver smack in the face. Frustrated. He walks back into McDonald’s.
I need to replace a Hot & Spicy!
I had to throw one at that lady that was just in the drive-thru for almost running me over.
Overhearing this, the manager comes to the counter. Knowing he couldn’t see the makeup of the vehicle or its occupants because of the wall barrier between the drive-thru and register area, she is curious.
How did the vehicle look?
It was a hulking grayish SUV.
Who was in it?
An older woman was driving. A man was on the passenger side. He had a blue hat on. There was a younger girl in the backseat with braids in her head. And it looked like a baby seat was next to her.
Would you like some fries with that?
Make ’em hawt!
FADE TO BLACK
Titles to upcoming posts:
Shade But No Shade