Tag Archives: funny

Police Officer gets major surprise after pulling over driver of car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Cops photograph car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Massachusetts – No, it wasn’t Clark Griswold leading Sudbury PD on a Chevy Chase. It was the father of Officer Noble driving tree miles-per-hour in a brand new minivan. “I’m like, dad, did you steal this? This is not our precious Malibu Most Wanted. Where did you get this from? I was stunned, you know.” Officer Noble’s partner, Officer Shambo, insisted a citation be written due to the safety hazard for all drivers. “The tree eclipsed the car. With the way the tree covered the door, if something bad would’ve happen, it would have been difficult for passengers to get out. Her little brother was inside as well. The tree dangled over the windshield causing view obstruction. Other drivers could be distracted by the tree and not pay attention to traffic,” said Officer Shambo. Noble argued against a citation in favor of a verbal warning and helping secure the tree to the roof with caution tape. After a little back and forth between the partners, Noble’s cousin jumped out the Christmas tree with a camcorder yelling “You Got Punked” in reference to the infamous Ashton Kutcher reality show. Noble learned her family and partner staged the whole event to give her Christmas present early, which was under the tree, the 2018 Chrysler Pacifica. “The patrol car was my car. Now I can feel like a soccer mom and not a bad mom having my kids ride in the backseat.”

What do you want for Christmas?

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Cameraman fired for being a jerk to co-worker, a dick to another

After 4 years, the cameraman who filmed popular news anchor wardrobe malfunction reveals he was terminated for the fiasco.

Panning a camera results in a motion similar to that of someone shaking their head from side to side. The perfect description of the following:

In May of 2012, Sara Eisen, then co-anchor of Bloomberg TV’s Bloomberg Surveillance, had an embarrassing on-air moment where she was caught with her dress hiked up, exposing a Big Black Contrivance strapped to her thigh.

While there was never an official public address of what the device was, a mic transmitter, a dildo, a gun holster, a shake weight in recharge mode, a flashlight, a lamp, a penis GPS locator, an umbrella, prosthetic leg, Amazon echo, from neither Eisen or Bloomberg, they did privately address who they felt was responsible for its live TV appearance, Richard Hewitt, the cameraman. “They fired me because they didn’t like my answer to why I cut Sheila Dharmarajan off mid-sentence and panned right. I said I was operating the camera with one hand. Can you believe those idiots thought I was being sexually suggestive? It was a mistake! When you are looking through the eye-piece you have zero peripheral vision, especially when she was on the right and being blocked by the camera. So, how was I suppose to know what she was doing? We always did the sweeping camera motion for the Markets Desk segment, where we got the anchor opinions on money matters.”

Hewitt, who has sold insurance since the firing, said although he’s been in the film industry for years admits to not being entirely certain what the round black tube was. “It was Brian Williams between her legs.”

Built atop:

  • Above video

What do you think the Big Black Contrivance was?

“That Was Hard” (Staples Personality Test)

FADE IN

INT. TEMP OFFICE/PROSPECT HOME – DAY

TEMP AGENCY

Hello.

PROSPECT

Yeah, I’m calling to check the status of my drug test and Staples application.

TEMP AGENCY

Well, you passed the drug test, but you didn’t do so well on the Staples personality test.

PROSPECT (sighs)

  How many did I miss?

TEMP AGENCY

They don’t tell us. The results just come back approved or denied.

PROSPECT

Can I re-take it?

TEMP AGENCY

You have to wait 6 months to apply again, but we can help you find work with other companies in the mean-time.

PROSPECT

Long as they don’t require you to take some silly personality test. That’s my third one I failed. What in the world are they looking for?

TEMP AGENCY

We don’t know ourselves; test is full of trick questions.

Flashback to 4 days ago when Staples was reviewing the prospect’s test. 

INT. STAPLES HQ – DAY

STAPLES 1

What’s wrong, Johnson?

STAPLES 2

Well, I’m going over this applicant’s personality test. He answered all the questions how we wanted, except for one.

STAPLES 1

It’s probably one that doesn’t matter. What was the question?

STAPLES 2

“How important is it for you to have time outside of work?” The choices were “not important,” “somewhat important,” “important,” and “very important.” He chose, umm, THAT one.

STAPLES 1

What did you say?! You wait a got-damn minute, Johnson! Slow down! That son of a bitch thinks having a life outside of work is VERY important?!?!?!

STAPLES 2

Hmmhmm.

STAPLES 1

(smacks red button) DENIED!!!!!!!

STAPLES 2

Hey, what’s with the towel?

STAPLES 1

Oh, yeah, watch the men’s restroom door. Make sure no one comes in for the next 30, 35 minutes. I need to take a quick wash-up.

STAPLES 2

Yeah, sure thing, bud’.

FADE TO BLACK

4th video in 12 week YouTube series:

Would You Like Some Fries With That?

FADE IN

INT. MCDONALD’S – AFTERNOON

EMPLOYEE
Yes sir, how may I help you?

CUSTOMER
Yeah, I want 2 Hot & Spicy’s; one regular, other buffalo ranch.

EMPLOYEE
Okay, that will be $2.19

As the customer waits on the preparation of his food, he overhears the manager talking to a customer in the drive-thru.

DRIVE-THRU
My food was cold!

MANAGER
Mam, I can replace the fish sandwich but I can’t replace the fries; it’s only 3 left in here. Why did you eat them if they were cold?

DRIVE-THRU
I want some hot fries or I want my money back!

MANAGER
I can replace the fish sandwich because it was intact but you only left 3 fries in the box.

DRIVE-THRU
And if you touch them you will feel how cold they are!

MANAGER
Maybe it’s because it’s been 15 minutes since your original visit?

DRIVE-THRU
Nah, McDonald’s use that special industrial grease that keep your food hot a long time; y’all just gave me some shit out the freezer.

MANAGER
Mam, I’m sorry, McDonald’s policy is to not replace food that’s been consumed or a shell of its former self. But, you know what, I will give you a free small fry.

DRIVE-THRU
I had a muthafucking large!

EMPLOYEE
Sir, here’s your 2 Hot & Spicy’s.

CUSTOMER
Thanks!

As the customer walks off the McDonald’s parking lot, right where vehicles enter and exit, a big truck doing the latter, almost runs him over. Fortunately, the roaring engine and his peripheral vision saved his life. However, he was still angry, upset enough to throw one of his McChicken’s through the truck’s rolled down windows, hitting the driver smack in the face. Frustrated. He walks back into McDonald’s.

CUSTOMER
I need to replace a Hot & Spicy!

EMPLOYEE
Why?

CUSTOMER
I had to throw one at that lady that was just in the drive-thru for almost running me over.

Overhearing this, the manager comes to the counter. Knowing he couldn’t see the makeup of the vehicle or its occupants because of the wall barrier between the drive-thru and register area, she is curious.

MANAGER
How did the vehicle look?

CUSTOMER
It was a hulking grayish SUV.

MANAGER
Who was in it?

CUSTOMER
An older woman was driving. A man was on the passenger side. He had a blue hat on. There was a younger girl in the backseat with braids in her head. And it looked like a baby seat was next to her.

MANAGER (smiling)
Would you like some fries with that?

CUSTOMER (smiling)
Make ’em hawt!

FADE TO BLACK

Titles to upcoming posts:

  • Shade But No Shade

  • Closed Curtains

2nd Video in my 12 week series. Must Watch 1st video to understand dialogue.