Tag Archives: Halloween

Sidewalks of New York (Part One) 🗽🚶🏽‍♂️

I’ve been feeling melancholy lately/
I pass a thousand people on the street everyday and yet still feel isolated/
When I politely tell them they should say “excuse me” for knocking me off course/
They say “excuse me” but it’s in a very different tone of voice/
“I’m sorry” vs “you sorry”/
The only person that knows you in this big city is the one who took your wallet

I feel so alone
On the sidewalks of New York
But I feel so at home
On the sidewalks of New York
Don’t need ya taxi ride
On the sidewalks of New York
I need the exercise
On the sidewalks of New York

Resting my forehead against the train’s rattling window/
To keep from falling asleep and missing more than my stop, keys, phone, CC info/
If I wanted to be stripped I would lean over there on that big pole/
Which I’m going to do if you sit close in your trench coat/
Do you see “stupid” written across my forehead?/
“Before you transferred the word to the glass, umm, oh yeah”

I feel so alone
On the sidewalks of New York
But I feel so at home
On the sidewalks of New York
Don’t need ya taxi ride
On the sidewalks of New York
I need the exercise
On the sidewalks of New York

Got my weed from the coffee cart guy/
He wraps it up in your pretty newspaper headlines/
Do my best Stallone impression with food in my mouth/
Give me a hotdog and I can make Talia’s head turn when I Adrian shout/
I like to feed the rats my cheese pizza/
I still ate my bagel after Rachel grabbed the gap between lawyer and paralegal

My me time is all the time
Grand Central, Atlas
My me time is all the time
Delacorte, 42nd
My me time is all the time
Fifth Avenue, Williamsburgh
My me time is all the time
Metronome, Bathman’s Sidewalk burr

That’s cold man …

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Damn Your Life is Beautiful (My Instagram Story) 📱❤️

You use to live at 20 Ingram Street, correct?
Now you live on some little silly web address
What happen to the responsible boy raised by his Uncle Ben?
The only dead one you care about now last name is Franklin
Instagram becomes Insta-Grammy when you post
We tap our fingers on your photos
The red-hearts are coming
The red-hearts
The red-hearts are coming
The red-hearts
But no love, no glove
That’s Tennessee rules

Damn your life is beautiful
Damn my life
Damn your life is beautiful
Damn my life
Damn your life is beautiful
Damn my life
Everybody and they grandma “likes”
But I can’t get those who watched tv in black and white, to give my heart some color now that ain’t right

You use to live on some little silly web address
Now you’re living like the real life Tony Stark, and looking like him too, got a hole in your chest
That venom you upload what people marvel
It’s sad because I thought you were a good man like Martin
Instagram becomes Insta-grappling for your submissions
We tap-tap to let you know you are winning
You’re red-hot this morning
You’re red-hot
You’re red-hot this morning
You’re red-hot
But no glove, no love
That ten you see rules

Damn your life is beautiful
Damn my life
Damn your life is beautiful
Damn my life
Damn your life is beautiful
Damn my life
Everybody and they grandma “likes”
But I can’t get those who watched tv in black and white, to give my heart some color now that ain’t right

It takes a lot to get me mad
But when your notifications appear I click so fast
Broke my thumb’s nail when I saw your thumbnail
When I go live you go live
That’s why all my posts are of my eyes
Read a comment saying they see crazy in ‘em
And asked for a follow back
I said I only follow people with profiles that got their location in ‘em
And lost the only follower I had

Log out log out log out log out the fire 🔥

Wedding Ring In The Gym Bag 💍💼

Wedding ring in the gym bag /
While I knock beach sand out the punching bag /
With the finger the tan line is at

I didn’t get on 1 knee to make you get on 1 knee to kiss a ring you bought with your wealth /
You said you will love me through sickness and health /
So I thought your heart-shaped lips clicking the waistline of my ring finger would stop it from looking pale /
Lightskin, lightskin, well, wail, whale

You don’t care about the muffin top on my ring finger, you care about the one that’s on my body /
You worked it out in your head “the only time a man takes his wedding ring off is in the gym” to see if he still got it

Sloppy or hottie, I never let ‘em see me sweat /
After we got married, I stopped singing on the treadmill so can’t another woman tell you how my voice sound when I’m talking during sex /
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Ain’t believing nothing I say I see /
Mobile around my mobile when I’m not local, hacking my iPhone’s Face ID

So know when I ask you who you gone be for Halloween I’m going to town /
Be like me, fling your ring when you go ding ding and find out life’s a beach when you drown /
Some Dundee put in quicksand when I left out /
And you want me to help pull you up but wanna be picky about /
Which hand I use like I’m the butler from Hell’s House /
I’m a big boy, I can watch Scary Movies by myself now

Deuces

Which Mike Myers Are You? 

FADE IN

INT. PAPA JOHN’S – HALLOWEEN AFTERNOON

GIRL

Are you in line?

GUY

I’m sitting down.

GIRL

Okay, you can still be in line.

GUY

How?

GIRL

You could be sitting down waiting until you were next.

GUY

No. If I was in line I would be standing up behind her.

GIRL

Okay, you don’t got to get an attitude.

GUY

I don’t have an attitude. You initiated this conversation.

GIRL

And I’m gone finish it!

GUY

You ain’t finishing shit!

GIRL

Keep talking and I’ma have my boy cousin come in here and knock your ass out. Four-eyed!

GUY

3rd grader!

EMPLOYEE

Guy and gal, will y’all please settle it down, or take it outside. We don’t need all this commotion.

GIRL

He too scared to come out outside.

GUY

That would be correct … if my pizza was done. It’s not.

EMPLOYEE

Pickup or delivery?

GIRL

Pickup.

EMPLOYEE

What’s the name?

GIRL

Darin.

EMPLOYEE

Your order is done. That’ll be $16.49.

GIRL

Maybe yours would have been done too, and we wouldn’t have met like this  if you placed your  order on the phone instead of inside. And all this time I thought people who wore glasses were smart. See you later four-eyes!

GUY

… 

EMPLOYEE

Pickup for Neal.

GUY

Yes. 

EMPLOYEE

That’ll be $8.76

GUY

You know, If it’s for pickup, y’all shouldn’t put a customer’s name on the pizza box. Gonna get someone hurt one day. 

EXT. HOUSE – HALLOWEEN NIGHT

GIRL

Hey trick-or-treater! Blue velvet suit, platform shoes, white mask, kitchen knife. Which Mike Myers are you? Couldn’t choose, huh? Well, you are not alone. Austin Powers and Halloween are my two favorites movies, so I understand. But you are missing an accessory. Please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m not a movie critic, but I can be a fashionista at times. However, I do understand why you wouldn’t wear them since you have the mask on. 

PERSON OF INTEREST

*pulls out brown case*

GIRL

Yassssssss honey the glasses! 

FADE TO BLACK

1% Earth

After installing the latest iOS update a prompt notified me I can now check the battery percentage of my Bluetooth devices. As I go to toggle it off because I don’t own any compatible technology, I see “Earth.” Out of curiosity I tap the name. It says 1%. Then another prompt alerts me, “You are the first person to connect to Earth and it’s up to you to save the world. You have 5 minutes to do so. Disconnecting is disabled.” Then a countdown began. I let out a huge laugh as a cue to draw out whoever nearby was screwing with me. I look left. I look right. No one came out of hiding. I look down, and my feet are not touching the ground. That’s a Coldplay lyric.

It’s Halloween, and I’m an astronaut. 

I try to land by exerting force through my lower body. I kick the air. I bend my knees. I wiggle my toes. I squat. I even fart. None of that shit is working! I think to myself to take off my spacesuit to fall, but the thought was immediately squashed as I remembered it took me 3 hours to get into it, so I know it will take me the same amount of time to get out of it.

2 minutes and 37 seconds remaining.

I’m floating in one space. I either need to go down and save the world with Will Smith, or go up where Otis Blackwell is before the Earth turn into a great ball of fire.

Life isn’t fair. I tried going down. It’s only right I try going up. I sway side to side. I throw my hands in the air and wave ‘em like I just don’t care. I repeatedly shrug my shoulders. I put my back into it. Shit, am I trying to go up or am I dancing? Shit, I should’ve never brought up that fucking song!

60 seconds left.

As I float in one spot I said to myself, ‘I was gone stop procrastinating tomorrow because it’s the 1st of the month.’ I went up. I said something else similar. ‘I was gone start on my novel tomorrow and finish it in 30 days.’ I skyrocketed. ‘I wasn’t gone wait until January. It was gone be a new year new me tomorrow.’ That sentence was a stratospheric success. It saved my life. I barely got the last syllable out. As I was ascending everything else in the air was descending. Planes, birds, buildings, that pie in the sky.

My tears couldn’t put out the fire that was burning my family and friends alive.

I will need a new planet. I will need to re-populate.

What rhymes with penis? Let’s just hope their asses look like Serena’s.

How He Became Mr. Popular

FADE IN

INT.  HOUSE – NIGHT

As a bloodied man crawls on the floor in pain, flashbacks of a laughing baby crawling on the floor shows

The crawling man bumps into a shelf and books fall on him. The man lifts a book off his chest that reads Reincarnation Incarceration. As the man opens the book the camera pans around its cover transitioning to a book held upside down by a baby.

The man takes a balloon out his pocket, and as he is blowing it up, a kid looking at his mother pointing to the sky shows.

The man removes several band-aids from his pocket and places them on the balloon in a facial recognition format. As he does this, in a flashback, a mother puts a band-aid on a crying child.

As the man kisses the balloon on the mouth, a flashback of a boy kissing and hugging a teddy bear shows.

An impersonation of Heath Ledger’s Joker is then heard.

“Do you wanna know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the little emotions. In … you see, in the their last moments, people show you who they really are.”

The impersonator switches to his natural voice to say the following line, “turn around and beg for mercy, you coward.”

The man rolls on his back with a terrifying look that quickly transitions to a smirk. As he struggles to puts up his middle finger, a flashback of a boy making the same gesture to a bully shows.

The impersonator slices off the man’s finger. As the camera does a close-up on the severed finger you hear a cackle followed by grunts and growls in the background.

The impersonator sees the balloon by the dead body and tries to burst it by stomping on it, but it slips underneath his shoe. He tries again and this time falls on the floor, dropping his knife. He picks his knife back up and tries to stab the balloon on the floor but it keeps slipping away. He picks the balloon up and turns it around where the band-aids are. The mouth on the balloon smirks. As the impersonator gasps in shock the balloon flies into his mouth conforming itself to the trachea, blocking the airway and the ability for the impersonator to breathe.

FADE OUT

Pumpkin Balloon

My Child’s Imaginary Friend Killed Him

I had egg on my face when I saw his Heimlich maneuver costume. I was so embarrassed to fill his Halloween bucket with tears instead of Cry Baby bubblegum. The hugging from behind reminded me of my son the most. Him running off in public and me having to chase after him and pick him up so he won’t do it again. Him getting affectionately squeezed when he answered correctly to the ‘Guess Who’ game despite my pathetic efforts of disguising my voice. Wait! The dangling legs reminded me of my son the most. Him on his Spider-Man potty seat on the toilet. Him having them between the bars of the baby crib. Him bouncing around in his chair while I’m trying to get him to eat his food separately instead of as a KFC Famous Bowl.

Now here I am sitting on the dock of the bay, feet not touching the water, thinking how those abdominal thrusts only made the situation worse. What was I suppose to do, watch my child grasp for air until the pair of medics arrived? Notice I said a pair of medics instead of paramedics; I had to call twice because the first ambulance must have stopped at one too many red-lights. Or were they traveling at such a high rate of speed the EMT’s crashed into another car that ejected them on top of a traffic light pole three-quarters of a mile? Pffft. I’m not waiting on someone who didn’t give birth to this child to come save him. This is my baby! When he didn’t expel whatever it was that was choking him I jumped in my Aston Martin over my other brand cars; I wanted to see what the wings in its logo was really about. When the doctor came back in the waiting room his body language said it all, “I’m sorry.” My body language replied, “Not as sorry as you will be if you don’t get back in there and save my baby.”

Next thing I remember is waking up handcuffed to a hospital bed. I must have died and went to heaven for a few hours to play video games with my little man one last time. I say one last time because I’m going to hell for being a bad parent. All of this could have been prevented. I shouldn’t have homeschooled my son, sheltering him. I should’ve let him be around other kids. He would have made real friends and wouldn’t have felt the need to create an imaginary friend, who would eventually kill him. I guess I shouldn’t say imaginary when the doctor, the nurses, and I can see the friend resting on my son’s windpipe. 

Truth is, though, I always saw him. We called it Airhead. We gassed its friends if one got too sharp. If it could talk its voice would squeak like a gym shoe. Speaking of shoes, its knot helped my son learn how to tie his. He was smooth. Multiracial. Had a string for a neck. Liked to fly. Liked to party. Could mold into any animal, different sizes and shapes. And it’s this very quality that helped it to conform to my son’s trachea, blocking the airway and his ability to breathe.

That is why I put band aids on balloons.

Bandaid Balloon