Tag Archives: humor

“You got 100 likes for the first time” (temp post)

That was the message I woke up to this morning from YouTube. But wait, there’s more! I just crossed the 17K mark on my video. I have over 70 comments. And since the drop of this video I gained 24 more subs. And I’m receiving very nice comments from people telling me how they shared the video in different forums. Even a heart to heart with a person who said watching funny videos keep him from crying which matches why I make them in the first place. Yes, I’m doing this to eventually make money, but I wouldn”t love what I’m doing if I’m staying up all night until the next day editing videos without compensation. Right now the aforementioned activity is more valubale than money. I’m really emjoying this. It’s actually getting to the point where I am receiving so many back to back comments I’m thinking about turning notifications off as people are having heated debates. I should hit 20K by next Monday.

My WordPressident poem done and will post tomorrow. The 6 year anniversary of me writing Passport Bear is coming too.

Stay consistent in whatever you do!

One day soon I will post how I just hit the 100K mark … then million … then Google is my employer.

Advertisements

Rose Petals In The Snow (NSFC-hristmas)

Severed foot in my stocking stuffer
Santa Clause walking with a candy cane
Ol’ Saint Nick down with the swirl
Pull him up by his salt and pepper beard with cookie crumbs in it
“You got a cherry nose because you are what you eat”
Force feed him more deer meat
Now, Dasher! Oh, that made your designer belt pop!
Now, Dancer! Whoa, that made your little round belly shake like a hoe hoe hoe!
Now Prancer and Vixen! Slay slay slay!
On, Comet! Feeling a little out of this world, are we?
On, Cupid! Aww, that’s going straight to the heart!
On, Donner and Blitzen! Santa ain’t real, if I’m lying may God strike me in half
Tik-tok tik-tok
Nothing, because he’s as real as you
Leave the way you came
Oh, Santa’s gained weight and stuck in the chimney
Wait a minute!
Santa’s lost weight ‘cause of the Chronic Wasting Disease and now a chimichanga
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Santa’s gonna burn (ho!)
Santa’s gonna burn (ho!)
Santa’s gonna burn (ho!)
Santa’s gonna … haha

Santa got stuck going down the chimney head first
Rayne, dear, I ain’t pulling your leg, but when the reindeer was pulling his leg it only made matters worse
Santa logged in and his hair caught fire
The black-and-blonde-haired-kids were cracking up and called him a ginger, the elf on the shelf replied a …
“That’s not nice” (na-na-na-na)
“That’s not nice” (un-un-un-un)
Run, run, but Santa couldn’t catch his breath and the wind lost to fire
All bent outta shape like a candy-cane about being round and quickly getting tired
He was resting on hay bale in some barn when a cow approached him
“I want to eat 2% of you” Santa roasts him
“I’m not a real Ginger, moolie
“So, you just gone ignore the whi- This, I know, because they have better insults than that, Wendy’s Twitter account schooled me”
“Give up them cookies, punk!” “Who me?!”
“I’m a fucking man, that’s a ‘no forever’ “
“I don’t mean pussy, we don’t go together, I want them chocolate chips, I mean, WE go together
But you may wanna stay away from the other side of the barn, it’s a horse over there who likes to rap about how hung he is
But you didn’t hear that coming from my mouth or my bum, see this?
That’s where the foxes are, you know, those little skanks
Don’t walk in those regions if you ain’t gotta checking account with River Bank
If you broke, no worries, go take some dough from this old couple
But, just know, them pigs don’t like getting up from snorting they snow, and y’all too fat to tussle
You know what, fuck the struggle!
How about this hustle?
Just tell the grands you wanna make some extra Christmas money with your shovel
I’m sure they’ll love you, I’m sure, I’m sure”

Pedaling in the snow (oh-oh-oh-oh)
I see rose petals in the snow (oh-oh-oh-oh)
Hopeless romantic hopeful (go-go-go-go-go-go)
Follow your heart, un-huh, follow-follow your heart
The last petal in the snow, un-un-un-un, is loves me not (no-no-no-no-no-no)
Now it’s more red in the snow (more red, more-more-more red)
Bloody Merry Christmas
Or should I say Bloody Mary EXmas? (whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa)

  • Work in Progress: Sidewalks of New York (Part 2)

  • Check the comment section an hour after this post publishes for a big YouTube update (if you care about my journey)

3 Salty Reasons You Miss The Fries at the Bottom of the Bag

Leftovers from this song. What, you thought I was gonna cook you up something new? Haaa! Nah, but, speaking of that post, I want to take y’all behind the scenes of its structure. It’s in 3 parts. 3 parts that symbolize the 3 breaks you get at work. The beginning is your lunch break. Then after the chorus it’s your 15 minute break. Then the outro represents the last hour of work and finally flying out that door like you should be doing right now. It’s 5. Yeah, thought went into this. I’m so strategic you wouldn’t believe it-50 Cent

You eat out the bag

“For dine-in or take-out?” “Take out.” Half-way out the door you change your mind and sit. Do you A) Turn the bag into a makeshift serving tray by ripping one side of the bag open? Or do you B) Just eat out the bag, reaching back and forth? Choosing the latter will have you throwing away a few French fry crumbs, unless, of course, you treat the bag like a bag of chips and pour the fragments in your mouth. Be sure to shut your eyes from the salt.

The color of the napkins and the bottom of the bag

From watching fast food workers bag my items over the years, I’ve noticed they always put the napkins in the bag last. I assume this is because, say, if they put them in first they may get wet with grease stains. When I eat out the bag I don’t take the napkins out; I just move them around the bag as I pick out what I want. In the end they always end up on the bottom. Restaurant napkins are what color usually? A plain brown. What color is the inside of the bag usually? Same thing. So when the napkins are at the bottom they could be covering at least 9 fries.

You are use to being skimped on fries

With McNuggets, you know there are 10 or 20 pieces. With a Double Quarter Pounder, you know it will have two beef patties. Since there isn’t an exact number of fries that’s suppose to go in the carton, the person on the fries, and you, judge them by weight and how they look in the box. If you can see any of the white and yellow stripes on the inside they aren’t full. And for God’s sake, wear your glasses when you’re doing this or the yellow stripes will look like fries. Last thing we need is you eating cardboard. Sometimes when you do get those overflowing fries two things can happen to make you feel like you still got cheated. While they’re in the bag fries can go over the top or be pushed out the holes at the bottom of the carton. Always check the bag. At least ball the bag up when you throw it away instead of leaving as is; this way if you feel anything poking from the inside you know it’s a salty snack.

And one more thing … I do got something new in the oven for y’all. SWB? WRWK? PB3? MO? Who knows. Keep this on your stomach until then.

Amazon Prime Day: The 42 Dogs of Amazon I Shook Paws With Before I Refreshed to Success

I have played tic-tac-toe without the O in calendar boxes since the date for Amazon Prime got leaked. Yeah, I could have used my $15 store-credit and been smiling from A to Z a few weeks ago, but I’ve had this credit ($10 for signing into the Amazon app for the first time and $5 for signing into the Kindle app for the first time.) since December 2017 and it doesn’t expire until New Year’s Eve 2020. I actually forgot about it then was reminded upon checkout of Lucy, The Big Short, Interstellar, The Founder, and The Theory of Everything. My first attempt at checking out in 7 months. When I saw that thang go from 40-something to 20-something I kicked over the apple cart. I said to myself,  “You need to use this credit on something more meaningful. Them DVD’s can wait.”  What’s more meaningful? Headphones to monitor the audio for my Youtube videos. Speaking of Apple, my EarPods wasn’t gone cut it. I needed something over the ear. I could have basically got AmazonBasics free at $14.99, but some reviews about longevity deterred me. I wanted a company known for making noise. I wanted something mid-tier; something priced between your AmazonBasics and Blue Headphones. I chose Audio Technica and narrowed it to either their ATH-M20x or ATH-M30x. I exercised patience to see if I could stack a prime deal on top of my store-credit. Only the latter went on a prime-day sale. My reminder went off 5 minutes before 3PM, the time Prime Day started. I stuffed the rest of my Nacho Fries down my throat, wiped the Mexican spices off my finger tips and softly said to myself, “Fuck carpal tunnel.” I typed Audio Tech and clicked on the first pop-up in the search bar and was met with the following images millions of others experienced in the first hour of shopping on Amazon’s website or app. Either this or you got caught in a “Shop All Deals” loop. Amazon’s website crashed. I was left hitting refresh like Mark Zuckerberg at the end of The Social Network and kept running into man’s best friend …

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Did you meet any of these dogs of Amazon during your Prime Day shopping?

Waffle House responds to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffle name change with a menu change

In the wake of the W and A in Waffle House being transposed in 2nd Black History Month (Africa in April), Roscoe’s House Of Chicken and Waffles didn’t waffle in their decision to shorten its name to Roscoe’s Chicken.

While the ellipsis in Roscoe’s next text bubble were flickering, Waffle House, who took the name change as batter and buffet because of their recent troubles, stole the spotlight and shined it on what they thought the reason was:

“It’s clear Roscoe’s is kicking us while we’re a pancake and pouring syrup on our wounds. If that’s how y’all wanna play, okay, well, let the games begin. We will take chicken off our menus. No more grilled chicken! The west coast ain’t got no love for waffles and country ham? The west coast ain’t got no love for waffles and country ham and Papa Joe? Y’all don’t love us? Y’all don’t love us? Well, let it be known then! We know y’all west coast! We know where 40 of our locations at! Roscoe Jenkins in the muthafucking house! You know what, more than the chicken cross the road. We taking Hi-C off the menu since y’all got the best chronic and the home of the crips. We taking ice tea off the menu since Ice-T was raised in Los Angeles. And last but not least, we taking orange juice off the muthafucking menu since O.J Simpson from San Francisco. I did it!”

Immediately following Waffle House’s confession, the flickering ellipsis in Roscoe’s text bubble became punctuation marks in sentences of enlightenment:

“The 3 of our locations that weren’t affected by our bankruptcy will be renamed Roscoe’s Chicken while the 4 that were affected will remain Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles. We’re doing this because we want a fresh start. We want to get as far away from the debt and discrimination as possible, therefore, we changed our minds about not moving into the New York market. So if you’re infringing on our trademarks out there you’re no longer safe; Change your name and logo or we will sue the Z-A-N-N out you. Herb Hudson from them Harlem streets now.”

The message continues at great length but that’s the most important part of it; I don’t want to waffle.

Realizing the blunder or blender of their Twitter fingers and the boycott growing to include O-N at the end, Waffle House typed up an apology letter with only their middle fingers (they were fucked!) and offered to donate $3.2 million to the Obama-visited restaurant to help them settle their debt with Daniel Beasley and his attorneys.

While it’s not a surprise Roscoe’s accepted the offer, it was a surprise what their former employee did with his newfound wealth. Beasley became the biggest contributor of the GoFundMe for the victims of the Nashville Waffle House shooting at $200,000. Even went out his way to donate $150 to Jacinda Mitchell and $3,000 to Chikesia Clemons for their recent pain and suffering.

As of writing, Waffle House has reported pancake stacks of slips and falls in 33 locations within the past 15 hours.

Maybe it’s the sip-sip-sizzurp!

Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!

20 Passive Aggressive Things I Will Do When My Boss Goes On His Honeymoon

Sorry for the wait. His car still in the parking lot. He talking to someone on the phone. Text and drive! Wait … he’s backing out! Dammit, he stopped. Another car drove behind him. Okay, he’s in reverse. Dammit. Some old guy walking behind the car. He needs the aid of some sort of standing wheelchair to walk so he’s slow to move. I hope I don’t be like that when I get old. This gonna be a while.

Okay, the coast is clear. He’s … he’s … not in front of the office no more. Let me run to the door and make sure he’s out of the parking lot. Traffic is bad. Fuck! Come on, man, you had that one! What … why is he reversing? Please don’t tell me he’s coming back to the office. Ohhh he’s finding another exit. Let me follow his car out the parking lot. He can’t see me behind this pole, right? I been losing weight. He found another exit, y’all. He’s … he’s outta here.

Big Bossman  won’t be back until Monday afternoon. I have a day and a half to …

  1. I will untuck my fucking shirt! No one can look at my ass now! That’s what the tennis tail is for. No one will see my penis print either! These not fucking 1980’s basketball shorts.
  2. I will take my fucking phone off vibrate. Y’all gone hear my Lana Del Rey ringtone and my Sherwood Forest text tone today muthafucka!
  3. Wear khakis on casual Friday. I ain’t wearing no fucking jeans today! I’m breaking the rules and finishing the week with these Classic Stones baby!
  4. Make the fucking temperature warm. I be freezing! Goosebumps all over my arm and shit! I try not to complain and just wear a jacket. Y’all act like I’m the IRS and trying to audit the  books how y’all got me in this cold ass room shawty!
  5. Turn off this got-damn elevator music, Bob! We got one floor so why am I hearing this shit? I wanna hear how Bankroll Fresh ran off on the plug today.
  6. Park in front of the office. Look! I know we in a suite and we only got two parking spaces. I know these spots for the customers and the employees need to park far away from the building. I know this. But have you seen some of them??? They need the exercise.
  7. Not tell anyone “good morning,” “going to lunch,” and “bye.” Y’all ain’t gotta know where I’m at, at all times. I will come. I will go. That little chime notification that goes off every time the door opens tells you everything you need to know.
  8. Eat a full-course meal at my desk instead of a snack. Fuck them ants!
  9. Not go to the restroom just to fart. Look! I don’t know if it’s the Taco Bell, but I burnt-burnt a lot, and I’m tired of getting up. I hold that shit in too long my stomach start growling. There have been studies that said smelling farts is good for your health. I bullshit you not! I can just lie to you and say my chair was squeaking but then I gotta convince you that smell is coming from the vents. Too much trouble. And no, I won’t stop eating Taco Bell. That AM Crunchwrap steak and Naked Egg Taco bundle fye fye!
  10. Watch something NSFW on company computers. Nah, not porn. That’s for amateurs. I wanna watch videos of what people do with their hands in driverless cars. Like … have sex!
  11. Not talk in my white people voice because they can still tell I’m black. Ain’t that’s why that white lady called me the N word over and over? Why you talking shit 3,000 miles away though? Oh, yeah, okay!
  12. Leave the lights on. Big Bossman, you gone mess up our chances at being part of a skyline one day.
  13. Leave 10 minutes early. I need to beat traffic and customers who like to come in last-minute. Talking about “I just got off work.” Shit, me too!
  14. Not let a non-customer use the restroom. Look! It’s bad enough I gotta deal with y’all leaving piss, shit, and period blood on the toilet seat.
  15. Talk into my desk-fan like a child with at least one customer. Thissssss calllll mayyyyyy beeeee monitoreddddd forrrrr qualityyyyyy controlllllll.
  16. Rub on my nipples when a customer says, “Let me speak with your manager.” Can you say that one more time, just the way you said it, just a little more slowly … and softer. Yes, yes, yasssssssssss bitch!
  17. Spin around in my chair and say wheeeeee.
  18. Walk around like I own the place. Nah, fuck that! Let’s go back to number 17. I don’t wanna walk nowhere. Everywhere I go in the office I’m pulling up in my chair, rolling. That’s why they got wheels, right???
  19. Flirt with pretty customers. If you look good in-person or if you sound good over the phone I’m giving you minimum 22 compliments. I’m shooting my shot like Westbrook! 3 for 22.
  20. Not do any work the last 2 hours and blame it on Comcast.

Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!