Tag Archives: life

Blog stalker (I know it’s you)

Whenever I see a large gap between my views and visitors with no “likes” or comments I know two things are happening. Either someone found my blog organically through search or this no-life-having-bitch is stalking my blog AGAIN. What are you going to do with yourself when I make this blog private and move on to a new domain? You probably will kill yourself over not being able to drool over my work. Guess what … I can look myself in the mirror and say I haven’t been on your blog since the last time we talked which was months ago. Can you?

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Dance Like You’re In An iPod Commercial

Hello Miss Lovely, paving stones light up when you walk
She don’t say nothing but, baby makes her blue jeans talk
The dirty denims she’s donning tell me they’re in a relationship with white shirt
Is there room for the genuine, the whole club was looking at her
Ghost of Bowie speeding through the dance hall like a rocket
Eight references but you got a thousand songs in your back pocket
You sound like an iPod commercial

One more thing
One one one more thing
One more
One one one more thing
Notice I said that with my thumb up

Line your white lines where your shadow is cast, curb role
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Da-da-damn, damn

I don’t know why I made the letter Y as if this cocaine was the chalk
And her skin was the black board, I just wanted the line to end where my tongue was gone be used for more than to talk
What happen to your head? You look like Dave in Back To The Future
I didn’t get high before this, I’m sure, are you sure? I’m sure
All of her features disappeared from her body
And I was overcome with nostalgia for my days in college
You look like an iPod commercial

One more thing
One one one more thing
One more
One one one more thing
Notice I said that with my index

Line your white lines where your shadow is cast, curb role
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
And dan-dance like you’re in an iPod commercial
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Dan-dance
Da-da-damn, damn

I wanna issue out a challenge
It’s kind of violent
Don’t look up from your phone until you run into a fucking pole
Slide up and down, swing round and round, nobody’s watching the fishbowl, go
Nobody’s watching the fishbowl, go
Nobody’s watching the fishbowl, go
Go, go
They’re so distracted by their new pet bird
Teaching it how to talk with no character in its words (word!)

Fly my freak flag half-staff
I killed your whole staff (funerals make me laugh kekekeke)
Pledge allegiance to me bitch
Take a knee, CLEAN UP ON AISLE SIX
Right right right where the leftover rice iz (shit!)
I got ice cream, let me muthafuckin’ skip, I got you little sis’, don’t even trip, mama ain’t sign that permission slip (you can’t go!)

One more thing
One one one more thing
One more
One one one more thing
Notice I said that with my middle finger

Fuck you!

Here Come The Mama With Her Babies

Can I go with you?
My clothes won’t do?
I went up to my room and changed like you told me to
I was singing “skirt skirt” from my favorite song
When I heard “skirt skirt” in real life, your car was gone
No, no, don’t go, I beat on the window
Yeah yeah to mama’s “there there” don’t lie to me like he did, tell me did you know, where you involved? yes or no?

My daddy played a trick on me, my daddy tricked me
It’s been 8 hours, tell me do you miss me?
My daddy played a trick on me, my daddy tricked me
It’s been 9 months, tell me do you miss me?
My daddy played a trick on me, my daddy tricked me
It’s been 18 years, do you even remember me?

Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z

Only big people can go?
But dad I’m not a little person no mo’
Come and see mama had to mark another line on the wall
She say I look like you,
And I act like you,
But why do I need to be big and tall like you when sitting on your shoulders will do?
Like to pretend I’m washing your hair while I’m up there
Making TV static noise, little sister looking like “hey, no fair”

Come on, come on, come on daddy
Come on, come on, come on daddy
Come on, come on, come on daddy
Catch up slow poke we leaving ya
Funny, he’s the one who ended up leaving us

Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
Get, get, get, get out the way please
Here come the mama with her babies
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z
1, 2, 3
A, B, C, E, Z

Stay with me, play with me
I don’t want a new dad
Stay with me, play with me
I miss how we use to dance
Stay with me, play with me
Mama tell me “no” so loud
Stay with me, play with me
Daddy tell me “yes,” his voice way down
Stay with me
Play with me
Stay with me
Play with me
Stay with me
Play with me
Stay with me (stay with me)

I’ll Call Your Name When You Vacuum (WordPressident #14)

Image via @TheSims
I’m blowing text text text in bubbles,
They tell ya failure,
I’m in trouble,
Swimming 6 feet is a struggle,
Hasselhoff hustle hustle,
You say you, you know me
Blue-blue-blue, blue-blue-blue, blue-blue … blue
Mr. Blankman finish my sentence for me
Started with me wanting the boys to wonder, “Is her bikini bottom real?”
Ends with me finding out Bikini Bottom’s real
Hello, hell low
Sharks circling SquarePants is The Shape Of Water, acute
I am fibbing on the triangles and should octagon before they channel me into a mute
Turn it up mama your baby on TV blink at 182
When I go Down Under tell my little sister I went to Australia and when the water changes color tell my little brother I pee’d in the pool
I love you, you and you
And I promise I’ll see you all very soon
Next time you clean your room
I’ll call your name when you vacuüm
Whatever you do, don’t go looking for me in the front or you’ll be the one living in a vacuüm
Boom!
It’s not over until the fat lady sings
“In your Krispy Kreme dreams”
Boom boom room!

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋 🕊

 

Skeletons In My Closet who Took Forever to Get Ready

Broken hangers

Skeletons in my closet who took forever to get ready

About time they finally put on “oh this old thing” they were casket sharp

Let’s give a big hand to The Late Har-old L. Weak, ladies and gentlemen!

Now that goes for the cheer-ren too, let me get a little hand

We meant it when we said trying our Father’s thyme on some cal and deer was gonna have ya moving your seconds hand around like ya wanted to clock somebody

Ya got Sir Wallingford on his hands and knees with Tweety Bird, Twitter Bird, Bryan Williams’ Birdman, Michael Keaton’s Birdman flying around his head

And you on your damn hands and knees for a different reason, begging please, making my flesh crawl

Boy, if you don’t …


I lied down with a dog but I didn’t get up with fleas

I woke up with what I thought was a cold sweat then I realized the company I keep

6-week-old Rottweiler, Pitbull mix I call Darkman after my favorite rapper

Licks my face when I’m sleeping like a Behr to let me know it’s time to paint the town red

Grab my coat for the sure wind

More Benjamins ‘cause X likes to live Royal

Concealed my Ace’s hardware incase I have to make these jokers PPG and get Lowe

Damn if I take any longer to get ready X gonna give it to me and have my place looking like a Shih Tzu

And I’ll only be identified by the teeth of my skeleton key, the canine, on the way out that revolving door is gonna hit you

Amazon Prime Day: The 42 Dogs of Amazon I Shook Paws With Before I Refreshed to Success

I have played tic-tac-toe without the O in calendar boxes since the date for Amazon Prime got leaked. Yeah, I could have used my $15 store-credit and been smiling from A to Z a few weeks ago, but I’ve had this credit ($10 for signing into the Amazon app for the first time and $5 for signing into the Kindle app for the first time.) since December 2017 and it doesn’t expire until New Year’s Eve 2020. I actually forgot about it then was reminded upon checkout of Lucy, The Big Short, Interstellar, The Founder, and The Theory of Everything. My first attempt at checking out in 7 months. When I saw that thang go from 40-something to 20-something I kicked over the apple cart. I said to myself,  “You need to use this credit on something more meaningful. Them DVD’s can wait.”  What’s more meaningful? Headphones to monitor the audio for my Youtube videos. Speaking of Apple, my EarPods wasn’t gone cut it. I needed something over the ear. I could have basically got AmazonBasics free at $14.99, but some reviews about longevity deterred me. I wanted a company known for making noise. I wanted something mid-tier; something priced between your AmazonBasics and Blue Headphones. I chose Audio Technica and narrowed it to either their ATH-M20x or ATH-M30x. I exercised patience to see if I could stack a prime deal on top of my store-credit. Only the latter went on a prime-day sale. My reminder went off 5 minutes before 3PM, the time Prime Day started. I stuffed the rest of my Nacho Fries down my throat, wiped the Mexican spices off my finger tips and softly said to myself, “Fuck carpal tunnel.” I typed Audio Tech and clicked on the first pop-up in the search bar and was met with the following images millions of others experienced in the first hour of shopping on Amazon’s website or app. Either this or you got caught in a “Shop All Deals” loop. Amazon’s website crashed. I was left hitting refresh like Mark Zuckerberg at the end of The Social Network and kept running into man’s best friend …

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Did you meet any of these dogs of Amazon during your Prime Day shopping?

In Your Krispy Kreme Dreams

The most important sit-up
Is when I get up
The most important stretch
Is when I yawn and the person I made it official with holds my hand when my arms are over my head
I didn’t get a chance to exercise my demons because their heads fell out of rotation stretching their necks
As if I care to fight fair with nightmares, hell no!
I don’t give a diddly squat
Even Ned Flanders played the devil
Did he? Yup!
In your Krispy Kreme dreams will I let these aliens prevent me from becoming the next Ridley Scott
Sleeping with your eyes open is the style to me
Especially when your dreams become a reality
“So, how come you don’t kiss me with your eyes open if I’m your dream girl?”
Lizzy, stop it, okay, you know you’re my world
Stop being a creep!
Every time I dream of flying my pillow gets a feather
So that sit-up isn’t really a sit-up if I’m already sitting up cause my head is propped so high it’s like I’m sitting in a chair
It’s not 400 degreez, how the hell we suppose to break the damn ice talking about weather?
Our phones doing jumping jacks and about to go splat
I knee tuck jumped out of bed
She pushed up her bra and jumped on my back, and I quote, “If you give me a piggyback ride to the kitchen I’ll feed on your neck.”
Hay hay hay now!
So you expect for me to be able to walk while you eat like we some tread meal?
You know damn well that piggyback will turn into a horseback that will turn into a bareback that will turn into a broke-back
Tender love Chili chhhhhill
I got bacon for a mouth as a thank you for that piggyback ride
As well as pancake for a face, whipped cream for a nose, and sunny-side up eggs for eyes
I call it my happy breakfast
Mean mug sitting next to it
My coffee mug says, “Once you go black you never go back.”
That made me afraid to start
‘Cause the cream I poured into my coffee formed into what I recognize as a heart
The handle looks like half a heart so it’s a love handle
And I know this is too hot to handle
Yeah, too hot to handle
So I’ll show proof by uploading a front and side view to Snapchat
I figure these mugshots will do numbers that ain’t half bad
Walking out the big house with long strides to see Lizzy prison posing by the hood
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I swear to God freedom never felt so fuckin’ good
So good
So good
So good
So good
So so
So so
So so
Good good
Good good
Good good
Goo goo D
Fuck fuck
Uccccckkkkk
Orange jumpsuits the new black tuxedos
“Boy, you’re so dope”
You’re my heroin with the extra E
“Are you trying to out-drug-addict me?”
Girl, you don’t want this smoke!

Upcoming posts:

  • Nowhere To Go (about Taco Bell …again)
  • Toys R Us (recently found out they closed all their stores and thought of a short, sweet post. I’m using Sims 4 for this one)
  • Headhunters movie review (first movie I watched with subtitles)
  • 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri movie review
  • If parents were paid for what they do (originally planned for Mother’s Day)
  • The night I got stabbed 17 times in the mouth … by Doritos
  • SWB
  • Not getting paid on time 2 weeks in a row … and killing my boss. In fact, I’m writing this on the run. Sorry for any typos. My auto-coreck want eve cum to my restq. Can u blam it? I curfew it out one two mini tines. Dat’s a little or dat’s a lot! A pair rently, it’s a lot!
  • A bunch of other movie reviews
  • WordPressident #14 to Infinity
  • Not enough female influence?
  • Rachel Zane vs. Megan Markle
  • 10 Annoying Things Gay People Did During “Pride Month”
  • A bunch of drafts from 2013

Note: Some of these will be standalone, incorporated within a bigger post or just scrapped altogether. Probably the last one.