Tag Archives: life

Amazon Prime Day: The 42 Dogs of Amazon I Shook Paws With Before I Refreshed to Success

I have played tic-tac-toe without the O in calendar boxes since the date for Amazon Prime got leaked. Yeah, I could have used my $15 store-credit and been smiling from A to Z a few weeks ago, but I’ve had this credit ($10 for signing into the Amazon app for the first time and $5 for signing into the Kindle app for the first time.) since December 2017 and it doesn’t expire until New Year’s Eve 2020. I actually forgot about it then was reminded upon checkout of Lucy, The Big Short, Interstellar, The Founder, and The Theory of Everything. My first attempt at checking out in 7 months. When I saw that thang go from 40-something to 20-something I kicked over the apple cart. I said to myself,  “You need to use this credit on something more meaningful. Them DVD’s can wait.”  What’s more meaningful? Headphones to monitor the audio for my Youtube videos. Speaking of Apple, my EarPods wasn’t gone cut it. I needed something over the ear. I could have basically got AmazonBasics free at $14.99, but some reviews about longevity deterred me. I wanted a company known for making noise. I wanted something mid-tier; something priced between your AmazonBasics and Blue Headphones. I chose Audio Technica and narrowed it to either their ATH-M20x or ATH-M30x. I exercised patience to see if I could stack a prime deal on top of my store-credit. Only the latter went on a prime-day sale. My reminder went off 5 minutes before 3PM, the time Prime Day started. I stuffed the rest of my Nacho Fries down my throat, wiped the Mexican spices off my finger tips and softly said to myself, “Fuck carpal tunnel.” I typed Audio Tech and clicked on the first pop-up in the search bar and was met with the following images millions of others experienced in the first hour of shopping on Amazon’s website or app. Either this or you got caught in a “Shop All Deals” loop. Amazon’s website crashed. I was left hitting refresh like Mark Zuckerberg at the end of The Social Network and kept running into man’s best friend …

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Did you meet any of these dogs of Amazon during your Prime Day shopping?

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In Your Krispy Kreme Dreams

The most important sit-up
Is when I get up
The most important stretch
Is when I yawn and the person I made it official with holds my hand when my arms are over my head
I didn’t get a chance to exercise my demons because their heads fell out of rotation stretching their necks
As if I care to fight fair with nightmares, hell no!
I don’t give a diddly squat
Even Ned Flanders played the devil
Did he? Yup!
In your Krispy Kreme dreams will I let these aliens prevent me from becoming the next Ridley Scott
Sleeping with your eyes open is the style to me
Especially when your dreams become a reality
“So, how come you don’t kiss me with your eyes open if I’m your dream girl?”
Lizzy, stop it, okay, you know you’re my world
Stop being a creep!
Every time I dream of flying my pillow gets a feather
So that sit-up isn’t really a sit-up if I’m already sitting up cause my head is propped so high it’s like I’m sitting in a chair
It’s not 400 degreez, how the hell we suppose to break the damn ice talking about weather?
Our phones doing jumping jacks and about to go splat
I knee tuck jumped out of bed
She pushed up her bra and jumped on my back, and I quote, “If you give me a piggyback ride to the kitchen I’ll feed on your neck.”
Hay hay hay now!
So you expect for me to be able to walk while you eat like we some tread meal?
You know damn well that piggyback will turn into a horseback that will turn into a bareback that will turn into a broke-back
Tender love Chili chhhhhill
I got bacon for a mouth as a thank you for that piggyback ride
As well as pancake for a face, whipped cream for a nose, and sunny-side up eggs for eyes
I call it my happy breakfast
Mean mug sitting next to it
My coffee mug says, “Once you go black you never go back.”
That made me afraid to start
‘Cause the cream I poured into my coffee formed into what I recognize as a heart
The handle looks like half a heart so it’s a love handle
And I know this is too hot to handle
Yeah, too hot to handle
So I’ll show proof by uploading a front and side view to Snapchat
I figure these mugshots will do numbers that ain’t half bad
Walking out the big house with long strides to see Lizzy prison posing by the hood
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I swear to God freedom never felt so fuckin’ good
So good
So good
So good
So good
So so
So so
So so
Good good
Good good
Good good
Goo goo D
Fuck fuck
Uccccckkkkk
Orange jumpsuits the new black tuxedos
“Boy, you’re so dope”
You’re my heroin with the extra E
“Are you trying to out-drug-addict me?”
Girl, you don’t want this smoke!

Upcoming posts:

  • Nowhere To Go (about Taco Bell …again)
  • Toys R Us (recently found out they closed all their stores and thought of a short, sweet post. I’m using Sims 4 for this one)
  • Headhunters movie review (first movie I watched with subtitles)
  • 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri movie review
  • If parents were paid for what they do (originally planned for Mother’s Day)
  • The night I got stabbed 17 times in the mouth … by Doritos
  • SWB
  • Not getting paid on time 2 weeks in a row … and killing my boss. In fact, I’m writing this on the run. Sorry for any typos. My auto-coreck want eve cum to my restq. Can u blam it? I curfew it out one two mini tines. Dat’s a little or dat’s a lot! A pair rently, it’s a lot!
  • A bunch of other movie reviews
  • WordPressident #14 to Infinity
  • Not enough female influence?
  • Rachel Zane vs. Megan Markle
  • 10 Annoying Things Gay People Did During “Pride Month”
  • A bunch of drafts from 2013

Note: Some of these will be standalone, incorporated within a bigger post or just scrapped altogether. Probably the last one.

20 Passive Aggressive Things I Will Do When My Boss Goes On His Honeymoon

Sorry for the wait. His car still in the parking lot. He talking to someone on the phone. Text and drive! Wait … he’s backing out! Dammit, he stopped. Another car drove behind him. Okay, he’s in reverse. Dammit. Some old guy walking behind the car. He needs the aid of some sort of standing wheelchair to walk so he’s slow to move. I hope I don’t be like that when I get old. This gonna be a while.

Okay, the coast is clear. He’s … he’s … not in front of the office no more. Let me run to the door and make sure he’s out of the parking lot. Traffic is bad. Fuck! Come on, man, you had that one! What … why is he reversing? Please don’t tell me he’s coming back to the office. Ohhh he’s finding another exit. Let me follow his car out the parking lot. He can’t see me behind this pole, right? I been losing weight. He found another exit, y’all. He’s … he’s outta here.

Big Bossman  won’t be back until Monday afternoon. I have a day and a half to …

  1. I will untuck my fucking shirt! No one can look at my ass now! That’s what the tennis tail is for. No one will see my penis print either! These not fucking 1980’s basketball shorts.
  2. I will take my fucking phone off vibrate. Y’all gone hear my Lana Del Rey ringtone and my Sherwood Forest text tone today muthafucka!
  3. Wear khakis on casual Friday. I ain’t wearing no fucking jeans today! I’m breaking the rules and finishing the week with these Classic Stones baby!
  4. Make the fucking temperature warm. I be freezing! Goosebumps all over my arm and shit! I try not to complain and just wear a jacket. Y’all act like I’m the IRS and trying to audit the  books how y’all got me in this cold ass room shawty!
  5. Turn off this got-damn elevator music, Bob! We got one floor so why am I hearing this shit? I wanna hear how Bankroll Fresh ran off on the plug today.
  6. Park in front of the office. Look! I know we in a suite and we only got two parking spaces. I know these spots for the customers and the employees need to park far away from the building. I know this. But have you seen some of them??? They need the exercise.
  7. Not tell anyone “good morning,” “going to lunch,” and “bye.” Y’all ain’t gotta know where I’m at, at all times. I will come. I will go. That little chime notification that goes off every time the door opens tells you everything you need to know.
  8. Eat a full-course meal at my desk instead of a snack. Fuck them ants!
  9. Not go to the restroom just to fart. Look! I don’t know if it’s the Taco Bell, but I burnt-burnt a lot, and I’m tired of getting up. I hold that shit in too long my stomach start growling. There have been studies that said smelling farts is good for your health. I bullshit you not! I can just lie to you and say my chair was squeaking but then I gotta convince you that smell is coming from the vents. Too much trouble. And no, I won’t stop eating Taco Bell. That AM Crunchwrap steak and Naked Egg Taco bundle fye fye!
  10. Watch something NSFW on company computers. Nah, not porn. That’s for amateurs. I wanna watch videos of what people do with their hands in driverless cars. Like … have sex!
  11. Not talk in my white people voice because they can still tell I’m black. Ain’t that’s why that white lady called me the N word over and over? Why you talking shit 3,000 miles away though? Oh, yeah, okay!
  12. Leave the lights on. Big Bossman, you gone mess up our chances at being part of a skyline one day.
  13. Leave 10 minutes early. I need to beat traffic and customers who like to come in last-minute. Talking about “I just got off work.” Shit, me too!
  14. Not let a non-customer use the restroom. Look! It’s bad enough I gotta deal with y’all leaving piss, shit, and period blood on the toilet seat.
  15. Talk into my desk-fan like a child with at least one customer. Thissssss calllll mayyyyyy beeeee monitoreddddd forrrrr qualityyyyyy controlllllll.
  16. Rub on my nipples when a customer says, “Let me speak with your manager.” Can you say that one more time, just the way you said it, just a little more slowly … and softer. Yes, yes, yasssssssssss bitch!
  17. Spin around in my chair and say wheeeeee.
  18. Walk around like I own the place. Nah, fuck that! Let’s go back to number 17. I don’t wanna walk nowhere. Everywhere I go in the office I’m pulling up in my chair, rolling. That’s why they got wheels, right???
  19. Flirt with pretty customers. If you look good in-person or if you sound good over the phone I’m giving you minimum 22 compliments. I’m shooting my shot like Westbrook! 3 for 22.
  20. Not do any work the last 2 hours and blame it on Comcast.

Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!

Daily Writing Prompt: I’m From …

Person – Jenkins, what are you still doing here? Alvin is on his way out.

Jenkins- I know. I’m ready for him.

Person – What do you mean you’re ready for him? You can’t fight!

Jenkins – I know, but I’ma scare him with 4 words. He’s gonna get spooked and run in front of everybody, and I’m going to look like a legend.

Person – Are you serious? Oh my God! There he is!

Jenkins – Watch this … I’m from Brooklyn, son!

Person – He’s still approaching!

Jenkins – He probably didn’t hear me. clears throat I’M FROM BROOKLYN, SON!

Person – He’s not stopping!

Jenkins- I’m from Bed Stuyvesant and I’m the livest one. Home of B-I-G!

Person – It’s not working. Say another place!

Jenkins – I’m from Chi-raq, you know, Chicago and Iraq.

Person – He is marching over here like a soldier!

Jenkins – I’m from Kiladelphia!

Person – None of those nicknames are working!

Jenkins – I’m from Detroit, home of the bad boy pistons. Isiah Thomas and them. Oh My God I can’t think of anymore places with high crime rates.

Alvin – steps in front of Jenkins and looks left

Person – I’ll watch it on TV runs off

Jenkins – stammering Did you hear where I said I was from?

Alvin – It doesn’t matter where you’re from. It matters where you’re going.

Jenkins – Where am I going?

Alvin – To the hospital, but don’t worry, I’m going to make sure your teeth fly out your mouth and land in each of those places you just named. Home sweet home!

Daily Writing Prompt: The Milkman.

Son – Dad, where you going?

Dad – Uhh … going to get some milk. We’re all out.

Son – Can I come?

Dad – Not this time.

Son – Why? You always let me go.

Dad – Just not this time, okay. I’m going to a different store and they don’t allow kids in this late.

Son – What store is that?

Dad – Look, I gotta go, okay?

Son – But you don’t have to go. We don’t need milk. I don’t like cereal or chocolate milk anymore. So you can stay now. Here, take your jacket off and sit down.

Dad – Your mom needs the milk to put in her cornbread.

Son – Well let her go to the store and you stay. You stay here. Close the door and sit down. I wanna show you something upstairs. Let’s go!

Dad – I’ll see it when I get back.

Son – Can I go … pleassssseeeee?

Dad – … well you can’t go looking like that. Go upstairs and put your evening clothes on.

Son – Yay! runs halfway upstairs Dad, dad, can … can you come upstairs with me and help me put my clothes on?

Dad – Your mother is up there. She’ll help you.

Son – Mom … can you tie my shoes?

Mom – Where you going?

Son – With dad to go get some milk for your cornbread.

Mom – I’m not cooking cornbread.

Son – runs to bedroom window and sees dad truck leaving driveway He tricked me.

Mom – He got me too.

Son – Why daddy don’t want us no more?