Tag Archives: metaphors

I’ll Call Your Name When You Vacuum (WordPressident #14)

Image via @TheSims
I’m blowing text text text in bubbles,
They tell ya failure,
I’m in trouble,
Swimming 6 feet is a struggle,
Hasselhoff hustle hustle,
You say you, you know me
Blue-blue-blue, blue-blue-blue, blue-blue … blue
Mr. Blankman finish my sentence for me
Started with me wanting the boys to wonder, “Is her bikini bottom real?”
Ends with me finding out Bikini Bottom’s real
Hello, hell low
Sharks circling SquarePants is The Shape Of Water, acute
I am fibbing on the triangles and should octagon before they channel me into a mute
Turn it up mama your baby on TV blink at 182
When I go Down Under tell my little sister I went to Australia and when the water changes color tell my little brother I pee’d in the pool
I love you, you and you
And I promise I’ll see you all very soon
Next time you clean your room
I’ll call your name when you vacuüm
Whatever you do, don’t go looking for me in the front or you’ll be the one living in a vacuüm
Boom!
It’s not over until the fat lady sings
“In your Krispy Kreme dreams”
Boom boom room!

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋 🕊

 

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Skeletons In My Closet who Took Forever to Get Ready

Broken hangers

Skeletons in my closet who took forever to get ready

About time they finally put on “oh this old thing” they were casket sharp

Let’s give a big hand to The Late Har-old L. Weak, ladies and gentlemen!

Now that goes for the cheer-ren too, let me get a little hand

We meant it when we said trying our Father’s thyme on some cal and deer was gonna have ya moving your seconds hand around like ya wanted to clock somebody

Ya got Sir Wallingford on his hands and knees with Tweety Bird, Twitter Bird, Bryan Williams’ Birdman, Michael Keaton’s Birdman flying around his head

And you on your damn hands and knees for a different reason, begging please, making my flesh crawl

Boy, if you don’t …


I lied down with a dog but I didn’t get up with fleas

I woke up with what I thought was a cold sweat then I realized the company I keep

6-week-old Rottweiler, Pitbull mix I call Darkman after my favorite rapper

Licks my face when I’m sleeping like a Behr to let me know it’s time to paint the town red

Grab my coat for the sure wind

More Benjamins ‘cause X likes to live Royal

Concealed my Ace’s hardware incase I have to make these jokers PPG and get Lowe

Damn if I take any longer to get ready X gonna give it to me and have my place looking like a Shih Tzu

And I’ll only be identified by the teeth of my skeleton key, the canine, on the way out that revolving door is gonna hit you

Long Hallways (Falling For Forever)

I’m falling forever
They pulled the ground right from under my airs
I’m falling forever
Friendly skies please teach me how to walk on air
I never hurt you with my fist
My punches landed one hundred percent
I don’t know what could be worse
Then “hold my beer” is what I heard …

Long hallways
Don’t know how I got inside
Long hallways
With no ending in sight
Long hallways
No door to put my foot in
Long hallways
No window for the rain to hit up against
Long hallways
No corners to cut at all
Long hallways
Gotta crawl before I can walk
Long hallways
I’m tired of being lonely and googly-eyed in my search
Long hallways
I wish I could listen to a picture with a thousand words
Long hallways
It’s dark and I wanna bump into something
Long hallways
Maybe if I dance like Michael Jackson these paving stones will start glowing?
Long hallways
I’m never gonna get outta here
Long hallways
Because I was cool with being a hot head with a warm heart but I hate cold hands and drunk all its beer

As always,
Long hallways

Today is my birthday, and I’m riding high …

WordPressident #13

Our bottom lips sticking together as we pull away from the kiss
The hug dies in our arms
Scratch on our ring fingertips as we let go of each other hands
Walking away from each other backwards with clean backgrounds
Not taking no L’s, falling in the hole of the O, getting hit by a V, crashing into a dam snake oil salesman who claims his Dell didn’t always have a tilted E
The barbecue sauce on my ribs
So I know you’re the HIS in Memphis
Okay, well, maybe for a season after I saw too much skin I bundled up and got my meat cumin spiced on a spring mattress
She was leaving before you entered the picture
Don’t act picture-perfect as if you’ve always been the lady on the other side of the noodle
Not a put-down of your frame but you know the real reason I place my hand on the small of your back in public
Sometimes to guide you to a first-class seat
Sometimes to guide you down a flight of stairs
The apple bottom of my eye is rotten sometimes
A worm on the inside, a real pain in the ass, you know
But, but, I love her to the core
Not just when she’s a snack, Apple Slices
Not just when she’s breakfast, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s lunch, Apple Bee’s
Not just when I’m thirsty, Apple Cocktails
Not just when she’s dinner, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s dessert, Apple Pie
When the groceries fresh I don’t need plastic
When they pass the expiration date I double bag it
Let’s eat …

G-loves S-mitten (Say Love Again)

She didn’t want him like gloves

More like tilt your head to the thumb on mittens to see a lopsided heart

Their love is 90/10; 80/20

But X still goes into Y multiple times

Let’s not talk about the 70/30 with remainders remaining remains reminding reminders Reid mind read mines

But I will audio book this … A Gemini would’ve loved to weight watch the 50/50 of the twins on the Libra scale

Life is all about balance

And I would love to be your equal

Two minus signs intersecting is a plus for the times

Just don’t leave me in pieces around you like a division symbol

Remember that line about your heart being broken the number of your age?

Well it was like Valentines cause when I blew a kiss and the wind ripped the lid I saw it was a cover-up for the 30-piece assortment of chocolate candy assorted wrong

And you remember that puzzle I helped solve? Well I got butterfingers from it

And I’m sorry about the needle piercing yours trying to sew my shirt

I’ll wash the dishes for ya

Let me just roll up my sleeves so I can go to work

You know what went through my mind when I found out we do the same thing?

How this was meant to be
How I was meant for you
How you was meant for me

You know what went through my mind when my business trip switched from Orlando to Dallas and I found out that’s your favorite city in the whole wide world?

How your Texas-sized ass was something I had to see

You know what went through my mind when you asked about my lease?

How I was gone either be in for a trick or a treat come Halloween 2016

You can call me cute and pinch my cheek all you want, but I know you’re pinching to see if I’m your dream guy and to pull on my face to see if I’m wearing a mask

Guess what

I am

Not

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋✌🏾

Michael Myers Walks


While I was being baptized I saw the sole of Jesus. Is this magic? Or have I been under long enough for it to freeze? I try to get my head above water but was met with a foot on my neck. I chipped away at the cube with my forked tongue. Blew my dragon breath. The water started bubbling like the last words of a drowning victim. The first thing I hear when my crown is above water is King Fish. Yup! Y’all up shits creek without a paddle. I flipped my hair over my head, which was not easy because the water added weight, so when it hit me on the back I was sent flying. The ant wearing the suit with the sneakers thought his angel had come to save him until he recognized the fireplace in my eyes. I swooped down on my prey. He tried hiding behind his lowercase t. This isn’t a sobriety test. The alphabet won’t save you. Drunk the wine. Ate the bread. Cleaned the plate. Howled at the pale moonlight. Danced until I dropped from exhaustion. My left palm left the right and went towards the light. Long kiss me goodnight.

From that day forward, my good shoulder never disturbed my sleep in church.

You’re kidding me, you’re stoned? 

Out of town dinner

 

My grape soda broke.

I tried to get up and piss out the shattered glass.

But I struggled to get out of bed like a pregnant woman.

No wonder they compare the two pains.

But this isn’t about a hand not wearing a mitt while taking a bun out the oven.

No, this is about a man posing with his hand on his hip like a …

My least favorite suffix is E-R.

Hospitals should run like hotels. Be caring and grant pillow mints, please!

Because, although, I had a reason to be hunched over this time, I’ve been like that on visits. I mean, old people smell funny. Gets me weak and brings me to my knees like a good laugh.

I stopped filling out the application at birthday.

The identifying information reminded me of the time that Gatorade didn’t make me feel like a champion.

That time I was paying myself a visit when I  should’ve been paying my sis-sis-sister one. Grrr.

When I started thinking about the out-of-pocket expenses because I didn’t have insurance, I suddenly began to feel Grrr-eat.

I stood up, shoulders relaxed, back straighten, chest poking out and walked out of there like Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network.

I haven’t had to go back in the 7 months since but if I don’t surround myself with water like a Winklevoss twin I’ll be back before you know it.

FY,

Har+new