Tag Archives: musings & personal

Bomb A** Eggs (WordPresident #20)

Inspired by rain and my son. Only 1000 IQ and Big PP will understand.

Pitter patter of baby Jesus tears on the orange, blue, green and yellow panes
Pitter patter of Jesús tiny feet across the hardwood
Until he knocked the lava lamp to the floor
The higher ground is the coffee table
“Ahhh that’s hot!”
Splishy splashy into the galette des rois
Excuse my French, that’s molten chocolate
Fly like MJ
To the wall, get high like the boyfriend of MJ
Now the tar heels and 10 little piggies are safe in Charlotte’s web
The flash of lightning enlightened him on, where he parked his race car bed
The thunder stole some brodie’s thunder and made the Thunderbird’s alarm go off
Bolted to the bolts and pushed the little red button
“Ahhh that’s not hot!”
Thanks to terrible two’s temper tantrum T-Bird hasn’t left the nest
“Ahhh that’s hot!”
The pitter patter of our amigo off set is 172 centimeters on the growth chart
But the cries in Spanish takes off the popcorn ceiling, my monte negro
“Tell me you’re JKing? That babbling was about something else, baby boy”
“You remember the little red button? Oh! The red button there kid, don’t ever, ever touch the red button!”
“Now I’m kicking these bomb ass scrambled eggs off the airplane”
“Go to your woom and fall asleep at the wheel”
“Look at him! Walking like he drunk” SMH
“Aye, B.C. , please catch some Z’s so my XY can go from E to F in his V”
The F stands for full, not ‘cause you got some of my bomb ass eggs
Only Special K between the box and the bag for U … SWERVE
“You’sa corn pops”
Nah, the hand that rocks the cradle just cares about passing the rock to the hot hand
There’s holes in de-fense
Shoot the J, shoo-shoo-shoot it
No matter if he’s the cereal killer and I’m being a pig, the PTO is still spent having Life for breakfast
So I guess my son caught the W? I’ll take that L and right on cue J-R lets me know it’s the lowercase l to remind me I’m still number 1
But yo! Our last time out, short hand ticked me off asking me to read text messages for his bedtime story
No-no-no-no-no wonder you saying G-G-G-G like 50 Cent instead of goo-goo ga-ga
GN, I’ma let you get some R & R
But at 0600 hours if you don’t have your walkie talkie right the games stop I’m throwing Green Eggs and Ma’am at you

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Big Spoon and Little Spoon Get a Room (Pillow Talk)

When you talk about bringing home the bacon you my tablespoon

When you talk about in sickness and in health “say yes” you my soup spoon

When you talk about raising our babies you my silver spoon

When you talk about talk is cheap and basic you my plastic spoon

When you talk about shit that they did you my teaspoon

When you talk about things that me squint like Asians you my Chinese spoon

When you talk about no other worm gets your fish baited you my salt spoon

When you talk about being decorated in your occupation you my souvenir spoon

When you talk about retiring from our dream vocations you my caddy spoon

When you talk about your breast I’m patient you my grapefruit spoon

When you talk about waking up to each other every morning breath smelling like “say less” you my coffee spoon

When you talk about whatever it’s always on beat with my heart you’re amazing you my love spoon

FY,
Har+new

Kiss Peace

Unemployed Dream

My alarm clock is my cuddle buddy not in the bed the following morning

Going from a “hey big head” to a airhead, from a booty pillow to a bubble butt always wakes me up

Her schedule waits for no man

“Why you have me do the big spoon, little spoon when you knew you had to work?”

“Bear, I told you I had to get up at 6, and we did the butt ‘cheek-to-cheek.’ Remember you ripped the bedsheets with your big toe nail when we played footsie? Look!”

“Well, who was I hugging from the back?”

“Maybe your dream girl.”

“Describe her.”

“Unemployed.”

“…”

“Now baby I have to go. Your Captain Crunch is getting cold. It’s on the table, been sitting in the milk for 15 minutes which is long enough for it not to mess up the roof of your mouth. Now give me a kiss peace. A closed-mouth one though. You got morning breath. I don’t want to have to brush my teeth all over again. You know toothpaste makes me gag.”

“Me too.”

“What we don’t have in common?”

“Hmm. We’re not in the same bed right now.”

“What about now?”

“You’re leaning over the bed. Technically, no body part is in it.”

“Now?”

“You have a really pretty smooth sore-free, arrow-less left knee. Looks way better than mines. Butttttt there are a few body parts I think I like a little bit better.”

“Hmm. This one?”

“Wait. Wait. Before you sit your ass on the bed long enough to make a smiley face imprint you should remember one important thing … you have to go to work.”

“Haven’t you heard?”

“What?”

“I’m unemployed.”

Sex in the Workplace

2 words. Why did I write it out as 2 instead of two? So you wouldn’t think the two words were the two words, okay? Now, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. The ampersand is the logogram &, representing the conjunction “and.” The A AND D R silent, therefore, & is the 14th letter of the alphabet, okay? Again, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. Bullshit! If I moo-ved letters apart that’s 2 words. No! If I put letters together that’s BS.

A year ago I wasted 45 minutes on this bullshit. No, not this postThat was 2 years ago. Know your dates, and know how to play with words. Mooved isn’t a typo. This Ethics & Compliance online course is about inappropriate behavior in the workplace and how you can be affected by it even if you’re not on the receiving end. Me, I’m never on the receiving end ’cause my khakis on casual Friday say, “He don’t play that.”

I work in a call center. One of the first things we tell customers is, “This call may be monitored for quality assurance.” Since we speak to each other more than customers (bad numbers, forwarded calls, etc.) our conversations should be recorded. If that occurred I would be working for myself because as you’re about to read even managers are guilty of being filthy. Desperate for something to consistently write I came up with this series about sex in the workplace, The references. The innuendos. The suggestive. With the myriad of sexual allegations in the media and today being the hump day of all hump days, what better day than today to start the series? Before we begin, as a disclaimer, none of these conversations were eavesdropped on. The following was heard sitting in one spot. I didn’t struggle to ear hustle. These conversations weren’t as private as privates. They weren’t as intimate as intimacy. These conversations start with 2 people at a volume that invites others to chime in. It upgrades to a threesome. Then a swingers party. Then the fifth wheel being left out. Then before I know it there’s an all-out conversation orgy and my customer asking, “Is there a party going on in your background?” Why, yes, Mr. Walton, let me be a party pooper. Hold please. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Get it. Shut “the fuck” up. Hahahaha.

Without further ado …

  • As we were working, we heard police sirens outside. Charlie,  the manager, jokingly said they were coming for Tommy (who sits next to me) and he was going to be locked up with Bubba. An obvious rape in jail joke. Disgusting.
  • We have two mounted TV’s. Usually one has a visual with low volume and the other is on a non-video music channel with high volume. Anaconda by Nikki Minaj came on. Josh googles an image of an Anaconda and says to Martin, “look at this Anaconda.” Martin rolls his seat next to Josh’s cubicle and bursts out laughing. Why would a boring fuzzy picture of a snake be hilarious? Because Martin was fooled into thinking it was a penis at first.
  • When Reggie, a manager, came into the room for the first time today and heard the music he said, “What are y’all listening to?” in a tone that implied he thought the song was wack. Marlena assured him the station was good and told him about the songs that were playing before he entered. She mentioned Anaconda and Wrecking Balls. The latter never came on.
  • Charlie, the manager, talking about that infamous hair gel scene in There’s Something About Mary.
  • 4 and go. We get 4 sales and can go home. The best part about it is still being paid for the remaining hours on the shift. You get your 4 within 2 hours of the shift? Well, guess what, you still get your hourly pay for the remaining 6 hours. It’s like you’re not there but you are here. Cassie got hers. Charlie, the manager, says to Tommy, “She’s selling. Are you buying?” Tommy pulls out a hundred-dollar bill. It was in reference to her selling one of her sales (’cause Tommy had no sales) but it had obvious sexual undertones (prostitution).
  • Jasmine (who sits next to me) called her man and asked what he wanted for Valentines. Before she let him answer she said, “No sex!”
  • Troy, the boss of bosses, told Debbie he ain’t doing “shit” for Valentines. That he was just going to the gym to workout. Debbie said you need to go home and workout. An obvious reference to having sex with his wife.
  • As Darin was leaving for the night she told Josh not to have too many babies tonight
  • As I was coming out the restroom I hear the other Jasmine state she not a hoe ’cause she only had sex with one person.

As I was writing that last bulletin I decided this topic isn’t good enough to be a series. I hate writing about sex. The best part about this post was the introduction to it. The bulletins were lame in comparison. I was thinking about using the same intro for future installments of the series but then freshness would be lost upon avid readers. I still want to use the workplace to inspire creativity because I’m there for almost half the day. It’s a daily source of material and I wouldn’t have to beat my brain for new ideas everyday, which is only an issue ’cause I’m not in shape at the moment. I need to buy those spy cam glasses and put up some YouTube videos. I love writing. I wrote this on paper at work and during the writing process I was in a zone. I was hearing myself think. My mind was going clickity clickity click. Time flew. It even spilled over to the job because I was more enthusiastic over the phone. Maybe instead of new posts I just constantly add to this? I don’t know. What y’all think? Would you like to consistently read about how horny my co-workers are and how much of a prude I am? Hahahaha