My alarm clock is my cuddle buddy not in the bed the following morning
Going from a “hey big head” to a airhead, from a booty pillow to a bubble butt always wakes me up
Her schedule waits for no man
“Why you have me do the big spoon, little spoon when you knew you had to work?”
“Bear, I told you I had to get up at 6, and we did the butt ‘cheek-to-cheek.’ Remember you ripped the bedsheets with your big toe nail when we played footsie? Look!”
“Well, who was I hugging from the back?”
“Maybe your dream girl.”
“Now baby I have to go. Your Captain Crunch is getting cold. It’s on the table, been sitting in the milk for 15 minutes which is long enough for it not to mess up the roof of your mouth. Now give me a kiss peace. A closed-mouth one though. You got morning breath. I don’t want to have to brush my teeth all over again. You know toothpaste makes me gag.”
“What we don’t have in common?”
“Hmm. We’re not in the same bed right now.”
“What about now?”
“You’re leaning over the bed. Technically, no body part is in it.”
“You have a really pretty smooth sore-free, arrow-less left knee. Looks way better than mines. Butttttt there are a few body parts I think I like a little bit better.”
“Hmm. This one?”
“Wait. Wait. Before you sit your ass on the bed long enough to make a smiley face imprint you should remember one important thing … you have to go to work.”
“Haven’t you heard?”
Not based on true feelings
When you put a pause to what you’re saying I want to help you search for the right word to complete your sentence.
But you accidentally stumbled up-pond why I am an elusive island with the word you left me to work with.
Love and like.
Like and love.
Both begin with L and end in E.
I’m overcompensating for the letters in-between because it reveals the truth, and I’m all too aware of abbreviations and Memphis slang to ignore it.
I don’t want it to be but I’m not too shore of the current events. The waves are goodbyes. You can’t travel by relationship from an Artificial Island to a Barrier Island when another pirate already put an “arrr” in your title Ms. I cried a river up-pond realizing “arrr” means a definite yes while “perhaps” means uncertainty.
And quite frankly, that’s the only reason you’re having oceans of trouble breaking the barriers.
It’s definitely not the booties because Passport Bear landed in love with you so hard during your layover any baggage you claim I accept as a carry-on.
I want your island to flourish, but not at the risk of mines going unnoticed because I would still love to sea you come by in your friendship.
I want ’em back (I want ’em back)
The minds we had (the minds we had)
How all the thoughts (how all the thoughts)
Moved ’round our heads (moved ’round our heads)
I want ’em back (I want ’em back)
The minds we had (the minds we had)
It’s not enough to feel the lack
I want ’em back, I want ’em back, I want ’emYou’re the only friend I need
Sharing beds like little kids
Laughing ’til our ribs get tough
But that will never be enough
2 words. Why did I write it out as 2 instead of two? So you wouldn’t think the two words were the two words, okay? Now, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. The ampersand is the logogram &, representing the conjunction “and.” The A AND D R silent, therefore, & is the 14th letter of the alphabet, okay? Again, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. Bullshit! If I moo-ved letters apart that’s 2 words. No! If I put letters together that’s BS.
A year ago I wasted 45 minutes on this bullshit. No, not this post. That was 2 years ago. Know your dates, and know how to play with words. Mooved isn’t a typo. This Ethics & Compliance online course is about inappropriate behavior in the workplace and how you can be affected by it even if you’re not on the receiving end. Me, I’m never on the receiving end ’cause my khakis on casual Friday say, “He don’t play that.”
I work in a call center. One of the first things we tell customers is, “This call may be monitored for quality assurance.” Since we speak to each other more than customers (bad numbers, forwarded calls, etc.) our conversations should be recorded. If that occurred I would be working for myself because as you’re about to read even managers are guilty of being filthy. Desperate for something to consistently write I came up with this series about sex in the workplace, The references. The innuendos. The suggestive. With the myriad of sexual allegations in the media and today being the hump day of all hump days, what better day than today to start the series? Before we begin, as a disclaimer, none of these conversations were eavesdropped on. The following was heard sitting in one spot. I didn’t struggle to ear hustle. These conversations weren’t as private as privates. They weren’t as intimate as intimacy. These conversations start with 2 people at a volume that invites others to chime in. It upgrades to a threesome. Then a swingers party. Then the fifth wheel being left out. Then before I know it there’s an all-out conversation orgy and my customer asking, “Is there a party going on in your background?” Why, yes, Mr. Walton, let me be a party pooper. Hold please. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Get it. Shut “the fuck” up. Hahahaha.
Without further ado …
- As we were working, we heard police sirens outside. Charlie, the manager, jokingly said they were coming for Tommy (who sits next to me) and he was going to be locked up with Bubba. An obvious rape in jail joke. Disgusting.
- We have two mounted TV’s. Usually one has a visual with low volume and the other is on a non-video music channel with high volume. Anaconda by Nikki Minaj came on. Josh googles an image of an Anaconda and says to Martin, “look at this Anaconda.” Martin rolls his seat next to Josh’s cubicle and bursts out laughing. Why would a boring fuzzy picture of a snake be hilarious? Because Martin was fooled into thinking it was a penis at first.
- When Reggie, a manager, came into the room for the first time today and heard the music he said, “What are y’all listening to?” in a tone that implied he thought the song was wack. Marlena assured him the station was good and told him about the songs that were playing before he entered. She mentioned Anaconda and Wrecking Balls. The latter never came on.
- Charlie, the manager, talking about that infamous hair gel scene in There’s Something About Mary.
- 4 and go. We get 4 sales and can go home. The best part about it is still being paid for the remaining hours on the shift. You get your 4 within 2 hours of the shift? Well, guess what, you still get your hourly pay for the remaining 6 hours. It’s like you’re not there but you are here. Cassie got hers. Charlie, the manager, says to Tommy, “She’s selling. Are you buying?” Tommy pulls out a hundred-dollar bill. It was in reference to her selling one of her sales (’cause Tommy had no sales) but it had obvious sexual undertones (prostitution).
- Jasmine (who sits next to me) called her man and asked what he wanted for Valentines. Before she let him answer she said, “No sex!”
- Troy, the boss of bosses, told Debbie he ain’t doing “shit” for Valentines. That he was just going to the gym to workout. Debbie said you need to go home and workout. An obvious reference to having sex with his wife.
- As Darin was leaving for the night she told Josh not to have too many babies tonight
- As I was coming out the restroom I hear the other Jasmine state she not a hoe ’cause she only had sex with one person.
As I was writing that last bulletin I decided this topic isn’t good enough to be a series. I hate writing about sex. The best part about this post was the introduction to it. The bulletins were lame in comparison. I was thinking about using the same intro for future installments of the series but then freshness would be lost upon avid readers. I still want to use the workplace to inspire creativity because I’m there for almost half the day. It’s a daily source of material and I wouldn’t have to beat my brain for new ideas everyday, which is only an issue ’cause I’m not in shape at the moment. I need to buy those spy cam glasses and put up some YouTube videos. I love writing. I wrote this on paper at work and during the writing process I was in a zone. I was hearing myself think. My mind was going clickity clickity click. Time flew. It even spilled over to the job because I was more enthusiastic over the phone. Maybe instead of new posts I just constantly add to this? I don’t know. What y’all think? Would you like to consistently read about how horny my co-workers are and how much of a prude I am? Hahahaha
It wasn’t you. I was in love with my imagination.
INT. BREAKROOM – DAY
Man walks into breakroom, shaking coins in his hand. He stops in front of the vending machine.
$1.75 for a small bag of chips?
He opens his hand, revealing 30 cents then shakes head in disgust. He walks away (2 feet) then stops.
I can’t leave the property on my break. And lunch is 4 hours away.
He sighs and steps back in front of the machine. He puts the coins in his pocket then snaps off his arm. Looking where to insert it the lid on the vending machine lifts back by itself.
The machine eats the arm. The man then snaps off his leg and feeds it to the machine the same way. The vending machine begins to shake violently and the man steps back in fear of it falling. A bag of chips fall. With a smile on his face, the man reaches to open the lid before realizing what may happen.
Uhh … can you just spit it out? I kind of need this hand.
The vending machine flaps the lid 3 times.
You promise not to bite me?
It flaps the lid once. Closing his eyes, sucking his lips in, scrunching up his face, the man reaches to open the lid. Someone else walks into the break room.
Hey, hey, Riley, can you pick my chips up for me? It’s at the bottom.
You know I don’t like you, right?
… yeah, but I also know you’re a very kind person. I saw you hold the door open for Ms. Curry when she was 50 feet away.
Can we just put our differences to the side for 2 seconds?
Riley opens the lid, reaches inside and the machine clamps down on his arm.
Oh snap! Was that your arm or the bag going all crunchy crunch?
While the machine’s lid is wide open chewing on Riley’s arm the man uses it as an opportunity to sneak his chips out of its grasp.
What you doing?! Help me! Ahhh!
I said 2 seconds. Your time’s up buddy! Glad I wore my watch on the left today.
The man hops out while Riley screams in pain.