Tag Archives: nanowrimo

WordPressident #4

Sneezing the Cheetos dust off my fingertips

Before you bless me, think about coughs and burps a little bit

Because I can hear the jealousy being masked by the coughs and the burp in a Barney Gumble mask

That’s why the odor of the belch smells like Duff over wine

I hate when this happens. How did we go from junk food to religion?

I caught you red handed Chester Cheetah

Wait. That’s not cheetle. That’s the blood of an antelope.

I ain’t see nothing! My vision blurry.

The D.U.F.F over wine … wearing beer googles looks like a 10 on this cocktail napkin

When in a state of sobriety she is the zero. Her friend is the one.

I put that up with my middle finger that got pieces of soap underneath the nail by the way

The bird scratch the Dove

But PETA dial, call to say “that’s the second animal fight in this post”

And to get 29 “likes” and 41 comments on it, I will blindly “like” and comment “Nice post” on 70 blogs just so they’ll visit mines

I guess it’s a dog-eat-dog world

But wait.

Nevermind.

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋✌🏾️

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Why Lemonade Costs 5-0-C

FADE IN

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

COP

I bet you didn’t know that woman you gave your number to was an undercover cop, did you?

SUSPECT 1

That bitch!

COP

That’s Officer Lana Manor to you!

SUSPECT 1

If that’s the case, ask her why she wouldn’t initially give me her number. She said I didn’t look like I sell drugs.

COP

Well, you sure as hell convinced her when you sent her a picture text of 10 ziplock bags of cocaine.

SUSPECT 1

Like I told you a thousand times, that was sugar.

SUSPECT 2

Officer, I’m the one who sell drugs. Not him. I’m the one you want. Just let him go.

COP

Snitching on yourself? I guessed you didn’t wanna keep your mouth closed long enough for him to open his and snitch on you, huh?

SUSPECT 1

I wouldn’t do that!

SUSPECT 2

He wouldn’t do that to me. We’ve known each other since the 3rd grade. We’re best friends. I just believe in you do the crime you do the time, and he didn’t actually commit one. Why should the innocent get 10 years in jail just for being associated with the guilty?

SUSPECT 1

Officer, if you search the home, in the kitchen, in the cabinets, you will find those same bags in that text there. I kept the sugar in ’em.

COP

So, you’re telling me how to do my job? Because I did it.

The COP walks to the door and knocks. Another detective walks in the room, holding a tray with 10 ziplock bags and a pitcher. 

COP

My daughter made this lemonade.

SUSPECT 1

(smiles) I’m free!!!

SUSPECT 2 leans over to SUSPECT 1 and whispers, “I emptied the sugar out of 3 of the bags and bagged it up with the dope.” SUSPECT 1 jaw drops.

SUSPECT 1

Hey, man, can you just take my word for it?

COP

No, because if this isn’t sugar, you will also be charged with forcing an officer to take drugs against his will, getting him addicted, and making him a fiend.

SUSPECT 1

Whet?!

COP

So you’re telling me this lemonade won’t be bitter no more if I do this, right?

SUSPECT 1

I’m not saying that anymore!

COP

Well what are you saying, that you sell cocaine like your buddy here?

SUSPECT 1

Nooooooo!

COP

Well, there’s nothing to worry about, is there?

The COP pours the contents of 3 of the ziplock bags into the pitcher. The suspects hold hands and look on in sheer horror. The COP shifts his eyes back and forth looking at both suspects while he stirs the lemonade with a big spoon. The COP drinks from the pitcher. The suspects are pinching each other on the arm and thigh. 

COP

(spits the lemonade out)

With their heads jerked forward, eyes wide, drool falling from their chin, the suspects anticipate the cop’s next words. 

COP

(wipes mouth) I should’ve used 2 bags. That shit was too sweet! Johnson, throw the rest of them bags away. We eat too many donuts as is. 

FADE TO BLACK

This Is Exactly Why I Don’t Let My Microwave Sleep In The Bed With Me

I let my phone sleep in the bed with me because it’s my alarm clock.

I let my laptop sleep in the bed with me because it’s my pillow.

I let my microwave sleep in the bed with me because it’s my cover.

Those horny teenagers I have for neighbors woke me up out my sleep with their moaning.

When I pressed the home button on my phone to see what time it was and saw 1:53AM, I realized in a few minutes daylight savings time will end.

So, I wanted to stay up for the event. In the 6 minutes I waited I had my Crystal Lake water bottle to the wall making “ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma” sounds through it.

At 1:59, I started staring at my alarm clock. As expected, the time reverted to 1AM. I looked at my pillow, same thing. I poked my head under the covers and made a face like I smelled a fart that wasn’t mines. The damn microwave said 2:00AM!

You telling me I just signed a 12 month lease to an apartment that furnishes their units with microwaves that don’t recognize daylight savings time?!?!

I kicked that microwave out the bed so hard I gave it cancer.