Tag Archives: News

Taco Bell testing out turning hot sauce packets into fortune cookies

Shanghai, China – Yum China Holdings, Inc. (“Yum China,” NYSE: YUMC), and Taco Bell Corp., the world’s largest Mexican-inspired restaurant chain, today announced that they have fine-tuned a Taco Bell favorite for Chinese consumers: putting words of wisdom on the inside of hot sauce packets instead of the outside to remind customers of fortune cookies. Despite the success the brand has had since relaunching (January 2017) its first restaurant in China since 2008, Chief Executive Officer, Micky Pant, still felt like the menu was missing something.

“The menu features Taco Bell favorites that have been adapted to local tastes. We give more of a generous serving of rice in our burritos than Americans receive. We put rice in our taco salads and use soy sauce as dressing, also, including it as a non-alcoholic beverage. Hell, we even brought back the Chihuahua and didn’t cook it, but something still was barking at me,” expressed Pant. “At the time we weren’t selling Mexican fries and I was in the mood for some French fries and Burger King was the closes, being down the street. As I’m driving there I see all these red packets in the road, so many, in fact, I get out my car to clean them from the lane. They were crushed ketchup packets. So, I get there and order. They were so frea-king boring! So frea-king average! How can a place like Burger King get it right when it comes to burgers but so wrong when it comes to fries? They were disgusting! I complained. That’s when it hit me. I took another route back to Taco Bell and was combing through our hot sauce packets and there it was, ‘The road to mediocrity is littered with empty ketchup packets.’ The kind of stuff that tells you the future. Millions of people already collect our packets for the sayings, so all the more reason to tear carefully.”

To help guide customers, Pant stated the new packaging will have a empty white box on the front of the packets, which will be the location of the phrases on the inside.

In the announcement, Pant shared that them making sauce packets into fortune cookies will not hurt Chinese restaurants as much as their entire menu has hurt real Mexican restaurants since 1962. The Yums Brand had nothing but complimentary remarks for Yum’s. “We can never compete with them, okay. While we spend billions to get more than half the US population to see our commercials once a week, they never make them and still serve billions. When was the last time you seen a commercial for a Chinese restaurant?”

Have you ever seen a commercial for your local Chinese restaurant?

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Best Buy Prohibits Black Friday Shoppers From Camping Outside Stores After Man In Woods Incident

Best Buy asks customers suffering from any form of memory loss to sleep in cars instead of camping outside stores after man misses Black Friday sale thinking he’s in the woods.

In hopes of not getting his fist in cuffs because of fisticuffs over cuffing the last DVD of F.I.S.T. like last year, a Texas man skips Thanksgiving with his family in order to not skip any strangers in line. The decision was over a television, but 38-year-old Gater Raid is no LeBron James. “I’m just a guy who wanted to save $300 on a 50-inch.” But after not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 calls from his wife fustigating him over his choice, Gater Raid started drinking heavily.

“I must’ve woke up hung over. My head was hurting so bad I didn’t remember a thing I did last night. I only found out ‘cause of my morning breath. I woke up startled like a kid in Sims 4 when you cancel the sleep action. I didn’t know why I was in a tent. I didn’t know why bells where ringing (Salvation Army), why people were yelling. I thought I was still asleep and dreaming. I peeked out the tent and saw everyone running from something. After I saw all those little chicken legs I quickly jerked my head back inside ‘cause I was afraid of seeing a giant turkey chasing them. Maybe they missed Thanksgiving too and it wanted revenge? I don’t know. I looked around to find my phone so I could call police. When I couldn’t find it that’s when I knew I was in the woods ‘cause I never take any electronics with me on camping trips. I found the courage to poke my head out again, and this time, extended my neck a little further and saw this purple tent with a table sitting in front of it. They had a banner with a cellphone on it. I ask have they called the cops. Said something about Boost Mobile not snitches and stuff. That’s when I realized I was in front of Best Buy and it was Black Friday.”

As of writing, Best Buy or any other store haven’t reported any similar incidents and Raid’s wife would not give any details on what she is getting her husband for Christmas. The staff here at Futuristically Yours doesn’t know if that’s due to the tradition of the holiday or if that means she’s not getting him shit. Sorry readers!

What did you buy on Black Friday?

EMTs Jump Man Who Thought Rapper DMX Was Being Jumped

Suits bed

Three emergency medical technicians were fined $500 and placed on a year’s probation by a New York judge for their role in jumping a passerby who mistakenly thought they were jumping 45-year-old Earl Simmons, the rapper known as DMX.

Simmons was found unconscious and without a pulse in a parking lot outside a Chinese restaurant. “As I was taking out the trash I hear a loud bark. I turn around and see this dog. It just drops on its back as if playing dead. I thought to myself, ‘oh this is too easy,’ said Sum Ting Wong, the restaurant’s cook. I pull out me trusty Katana Soultaker sword and make my move. The dog jumps up and gives me a chase. It led me to this black guy lying next to a chariot sitting on 28 inches. I call police.”

While the EMT’s were trying to resuscitate Simmons, a passerby, 23-year-old Troi Casey, mistook the exertion of defibrillators for punches. “I didn’t know that was DMX on the ground. I couldn’t see who the person was because the guys in blue was covering up the action. I just saw elbows going up and down. It was 3 on 1 so I decided to even the odds 3 to 2.”

Technically, it was 3 on 3 as nearby witnesses recount Casey grabbing Sum Ting Wong’s Katana Soultaker sword. “One of the EMT’s turns around and see the dude charging at them with the knife and did this Holly Holm roundhouse kick to knock it out his hand. Then what followed was of the greatest mob attacks since the ending of Godfather 2,” said one of the spectators.

Judge Donald Pearl said in a New York courtroom on Friday while it was acceptable for the EMT’s to defend themselves, the basis of the fine and probation stemmed from neither EMT performing CPR after Casey lost consciousness himself. To which one of the defendants replied, “But your honor we already broke a couple of ribs.”

Built atop:

What’s your favorite DMX song?

Mars Co-founder Kills Milky Way Seatbelt Eating Passenger

milkytaxi

Jacqueline Mars, a co-founder of the candy empire with the same last name, is behind bars thicker than a snicker tonight after causing a car crash Thursday that killed a passenger in a taxi who ate his Milky Way seatbelt.

During a news conference at Falls Church Hospital, sitting in a leather green luxury wheelchair, the cab driver, 46-year-old Mozzie Caffrey, recounts the conversation he had with Neal Winters, the 29-year-old victim, before Mars crash landing.

“We arrive at his destination. I turn around, and as I was telling him how much his fare was, I pause on the third digit realizing the numbers on his shirt was exactly the same. I thought I was reading a script. After the fourth digit was a minus sign. Then 2016. I asked him what year was he born. He smiles, and you gotta understand this guy had on beer goggles and ear duffs, so, I don’t know how I looked and sounded to him. He probably thought I was flirting. I yelled, ‘WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR SEATBELT?’ perceiving if he had his seatbelt on the strap would’ve covered the 2016. Then it hit me what he said before he got in and was leaning into the passenger window of my taxi like some hooker. ‘WhyIs$2.75AlreadyOnTheMeter?’ He was drunk and slurring his speech. If I wrote this it would look like a hashtag. Then I guess he noticed the Milky Way seatbelts and said, “OhItsForTheCandy?HowYouKnowIGotASweetTooth?’ He had caramel stuck in his teeth! I yelled for him to get out. Soon as he opened the door Mars attacked. Next thing I know I wake up to a fat guy in a little coat. Sorry, Dr. Skittles, but you work in the health field man, you gotta get it together.”

life minus death

Mars was driving alone in her 2020 Porsche SUV when “for unknown reasons the vehicle crossed the center line and struck a stationary yellow cab occupied by two people,” according to the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office.

Winters died at the scene. Authorities say he was not wearing a seatbelt, which played a major factor in how Caffrey survived a 4,927 pound SUV coming 90 MPH at an immobile 2,729 pound car.

The commonwealth’s attorney office reviewed the matter and found Mars at fault.

In October 2013 Mars was involved in a similar car crash near her home that killed two occupants of a minivan: 86-year old Irene Ellisor and an unborn child. Mars plead guilty to a misdemeanor count of reckless driving, was fined $2,500 and had her driver license suspended 6 months. She didn’t receive any jail time largely because of how forgiving the families of the victims were. However, the tragedy was a major component for driver license-renewal rules for seniors in Virginia. A law that took effect on January 1, 2015 lowering the age for mandatory in-person license renewal from 80 to 75, meaning Virginia drivers aged 75 and older were no longer eligible to renew their driver license electronically or by mail. Mars was 73 at the time of the crash (October 4, 2013) with her 74th birthday 6 days away (October 10, 2013).

Winters was unknowingly taking part in a moving demonstration of a Milky Way bar’s stretchy caramel. BBDO, the advertising agency that came up with the creative campaign, did not have Mars INC. permission to manipulate their products in such a way. According to Kent Jarrell, a personal spokesman for Jacquie, “They never told us about this. We never had a chance to yes it or no it. Imagine if we no’ed it. That would have been a life saver for us. And if we yes’ed it we would be talking about another topic than death cause we would have educated drivers. Was Mr. Caffrey advised by BBDO to instruct his passengers to not eat their seatbelts? I guess not!”

Mars’s attorney, Robin Gulick, told reporters  there was no evidence of intentional speeding, texting, or distracted driving by his client. There was no sign of alcohol or drug usage, according to the accident report. “I’m confident all criminal charges will be dropped once this is revealed to be just another accident. We are providing assistance to Mr. Caffrey as well as to the family of Mr. Winters in this great time of sorrow,” said Gulick.

Mars told investigators “I fell asleep” while driving, according to the report.

whiskey bottle chalk outline

 

Built atop:

What was the last thing you saw thicker than a Snicker?

Affluenza: Catching The Flu On Purpose For $30,000 

(AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)
(AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)

What would you do for money?
Would you catch the flu up your nose on purpose if scientists threw $3,000 aaaaatchooooo?
If you said “yes” like Daniel Bennet because that amount is nothing to sneeze at.
You have to understand why those who said “no” like Ted Mavros are the ones getting the God blessed you’s.

“I received a very scolding email from my mother,” Bennet, 26, said about signing up to be affected with the flu back in 2014. “Their standards are so high,” he said of the National Institutes of Health (NIH). “I don’t believe I’m in danger. I don’t get sick that often.” Meanwhile, Mavros, 29, who was also interested in volunteering around that time let an idea prevent him from signing his name on the dotted line. “There are too many cheap people on this planet. Just think how much the medical industry makes. I would absolutely not sign up for less than 30 grand. And you should not either. If they didn’t have any subject, they wouldn’t have any choice but raise the price – or not have any testers. But most of you sell out too fast,” Mavros said on January 30, 2014.

Mr. Mavros must’ve seen the future because after struggling for almost 5 years to recruit 2,000 participants for their influenza challenge study, the NIH added another zero to their original incentive. Expectedly, the organization received over a million entries a mere  3 hours after their announcement. “We chose our volunteers carefully. You have to be healthy, not older than 50 years old, not an habitual smoker,” said Matthew Memoli, the NIH doctor leading the study. However, critics say “have a six-figure job” was a hidden inclusion criteria after the application details of the chosen 2,000 was leaked on the Internet. The lowest annual salary on the list is 85,123. Anonymous, the international hacktivist group, has threatened to launch a distributed denial of service (DDoS) attack on NIH.gov if the institution doesn’t include more financially deserving volunteers. “30,000? I don’t make that in a year. To make that in a month would’ve made my year and 2016 just begun, ” said Terry Engram, 34, the head of a 5 member family.

Mr. Engram is referring to being holed up in quarantine for at least 30 days under the surveillance of researchers; 3 weeks more than the 9 days volunteers had to spend inside a special isolation ward at the NIH hospital in 2014. “Vaccines are working, but we could do better,” said Dr. Memoli in his quest to produce a more effective inoculation, which is why thousands who said they already had the flu were excluded because scientists need to know how the immune system reacts through each step of infection, starting with first exposure. “How the body fends off influenza remains somewhat a mystery to the medical field,” said Dr. Memoli.

Although, the statistics on influenza-related deaths are questionable, Dr. Memoli knows a credible threat exists, which is why he chose a dose that produces mild to moderate symptoms. “It will taste salty. Some will drip down the back of your throat,” Dr. Memoli said, before squeezing a syringe filled with millions of microscopic virus particles, floating in salt water, into each nostril of another doctor, the most notable volunteer, G. Dick Miller, the defense-called psychologist who used the term “affluenza” in the troubling case of Ethan Couch, the 16-year-old who avoided prison time for killing four people in a drunken-driving crash in summer 2013.

When Dr. Miller was released into the recreation area within the clinic and FYTV News asked, “If you could describe this challenge study in one word, what would it be?” Treating the question with disdain because he knew what the reporter was up to, Dr. Miller replied, “I don’t have time for this bullshit” then went back to playing frisbee with cow dung.

As of writing, the National Institutes of Health hasn’t addressed the Anonymous threat.

Built atop:

Would you catch the flu up your nose on purpose if scientists threw $3,000 aaaaatchooooo?

Why Residents of Paper Thin Walled Apartments Don’t Follow the “Love Thy Neighbor” Commandment

Frozen lasagna in the window
I can’t believe Stouffers is calling this the “family size.” When I bought this on the 1st the box was bigger. Then when I went back 9 days later I only saw this box. I ended up buying 2 just to equal the original box’s size. That cost me 8 more dollars! What the hell, Stouffers?!

 

“If I was closer to the noise, I would have done something else,” said William Gonzalez, the Pittsburgh man who unknowingly saved his neighbor’s baby from starvation with his girlfriend’s bad cooking after its mother died of a drug overdose.

Conjectures about the “something else” is knocking on the door instead of hurling breakfast burritos at the window, which was cracked, but not with the “hard-as-a-brick” biscuits, but cracked as in opened slightly, and as in 5 inches. “I feel so guilty. I feel so bad,” said Gonzalez when questioned about entertaining offers from Major League Baseball scouts impressed no food was found on the balcony.

22-year-old Sara Kessler’s death was the inverse of the natural causes her mother died from back in November in the same apartment. “No one else lives on their floor,” said Assistant Allegheny County police Superintendent James Morton. Due to a construction issue, management had to use shower curtains for walls on the fifth floor, which flooded the office with internal relocation requests. The reason was always the same; they feared for their life. “I shared the wall where my neighbor’s kitchen was, and every time I saw his shadow with a knife I didn’t know whether I would be brutally murdered or invited over for cabbage,” said resident Elizabeth Freismuth. “You learn to appreciate the smell of Dimethyl sulfide,” she continued.

Gonzalez, who lived next to Kessler before moving to the first floor recalls the last image he saw of her alive. “She had a belt in her hands. Then the baby started crying shortly after,” he said. After not hearing from her for several days, Kessler’s brother stopped by the apartment to do a wellness check and there he discovered the bodies. His nephew was found in the living room on the floor. He immediately dropped to his knees in the doorway and crawled over to him sobbing so loudly he woke little Casey Kessler up out his sleep. “It’s a miracle! It’s a miracle! Casey is alive! My nephew is okay! I thought he died of starvation. There was food in the refrigerator but I know his little arms didn’t have enough strength in them to open it. I don’t know how his little body survived a week without food. I can’t believe it. I love him so much. God is so good. Praise Jesus! Thank you, thank you,” the brother roared. His sister was found on her bed with a belt wrapped around her arm. Screams and tears couldn’t wake her up.

Little Casey did come very, very close to dying of starvation. Autopsies show Kessler died a week before March 6th, the date her brother went by the apartment. Little Casey went 96 hours without eating. On the fourth day Gonzalez moved in his new apartment. His girlfriend, who got evicted from her own apartment because she lost her job moved in with him. And that’s when the “bad cooking” started. She fixed him breakfast before he went to work at 9 and would cook lunch at noon and bring it to his job. As he was going out the apartment building in the mornings he would “pitch” food at Kessler’s window, whose apartment was on the end. And as we was coming back home in the evenings he would do the same. “I couldn’t go back in the house with that lunch. My girlfriend would’ve asked why I didn’t eat it,” said Gonzalez. When asked did he intentionally aim for Kessler’s window, he hangs his head low. “Me and her had an unpleasant confrontation 3 weeks ago. I was still mad about it,” he admitted. “I can’t believe she was dead while I was still living on the fifth floor. During those days I was vacationing Philadelphia. I wasn’t even in Millvale,” Gonzalez said regarding questions about smelling body decomposition.

His girlfriend, Santi Rowland, is the most heartbroken of all. “I’m the real victim in this situation. This motherfucker been lying to me for 2 years, telling me I need to open up my own restaurant. When I got fired from my job I thought this was the perfect opportunity to do so and took out a got-damn loan. What am I suppose to do now? I feel so discouraged,” she wept.

18 month old Casey Kessler is now being taken care of by his uncle. Remarked he, “Those Major League Baseball scouts may want to offer my nephew that pitching contract. That little boy arms so strong he can rip the door handle off a refrigerator now.”

Built on top of: (You have to read the actual article to appreciate the direction I took)

If you heard your neighbor’s baby crying for a prolonged period, would you ignore it or do a wellness check? Explain your reason in the comments, please.

 

Walmart Opens First Store In New York (The Refrigerator Basket)

Guide Leaf
Get up on this Nguyen Art situation. He dedicated a post to me after I asked how to draw someone walking and turning their head, and laying in leaves. Look what I did below …

Valley Stream is the closes Wal-Mart will get to the five boroughs (Queens) after more than half of the City Council were arrested at the aforementioned location, according to the other 25 members.

When Wal-Mart announced in May 2014 that they donated $3 million in 2013 to local charities like the New York Women’s Foundation and Bailey House, 26 of the 51 council members saw the donations as a scheme to gain entry into the city’s market, from which it has been blocked for more than a decade by union opposition, and sent the retail giant a cease and desist letter.

Wal-Mart replied to the letter with an invitation to shop at its nearest location, in Long Island, with the CEO, Doug McMillion, as the tour guide himself. After being rejected for six months, it was finally accepted when Wal-Mart juiced up the letter with an offer the Council couldn’t refuse. That if they weren’t totally satisfied with their shopping experience, Wal-Mart would abandon all hope and cease with their attempts of expanding into the Big Apple.

An offer too good to refuse.

The Council seemed to have picked the worse day to shop on, as the store sent all their shopping carts away to be sanitized after closing the previous night. Researchers found that 72 percent of the shopping cart handles had traces of feces on them. McMillion insisted this was a good thing, and persuaded them to use refrigerators as grocery baskets.

During checkout, a few disturbing trends were taking place. One, all 26 council members were in the same line. Two, the other 22 lanes were closed. Three, the girl checking them out just started. Four, Chin, the first member in line noticed councilman 14 and back were eating before purchase. Five, Bramer, the last member in line noticed councilman 13 and up were being handcuffed for not having enough money for their groceries. He thought this was absurd and tried to step out of line to put some of his food back when a cop jumped in his path and reminded him of Wal-Mart’s Checkout Promise. That once you are in line you are committed to purchase, and getting out of line to restock items instead of to clean the shelf is grounds for immediate arrest.

“McMillion hyped up the ‘Everyday Low Price Guarantee’ so good that every member left their wallets and purses at home. All the dough we had was the $200 gift card he had given us at the outset,” said councilman Vacca.

City investigators conclude what forced the council members to spend so much beyond their $200 limit (upwards of $1,800) was the refrigerator itself. “Grocery baskets are like suitcases. Most people don’t know how to pack them. When you’re just throwing stuff in there without care for saving space, things will spill over. And you’re going to foolishly think you have a lot.  And when the clerk is double bagging candy bars, your thousand dollar grocery bill can make sense. It’s not until you get home and spread your food across the refrigerator, the pantry, and underneath the bed, that you realize just how little you have. You’re supposed to feel scammed at home. Not inside the store,” said lead detective Wayne Bruce. “McMillion knew no matter how many things the councilmen put in their refrigerator it would still seem empty because of how neatly they organized the items,” he continued.

Although, the 26 only spent an hour in jail before being bailed out by the other 25 members, the City Council, in a new scathing letter, has launched an all out war on Wal-Mart, stating, “The next time workers protest in front of Alice Walton’s home their picket signs will be Warhols, Rothkos and Pollocks.”

FullSizeRender
… I got a pen and paper and spent my idle time at work sketching what Nguyen drew. He made drawing seem so easy that I gained a ton of confidence. I can’t believe it only took one sheet of paper considering I drew it with a pen, and this being my first time drawing in a while. This is a preview of my own comic titled “The Leaf People.”

Built on top of:

Have you ever had to ask the kids “Did y’all get everything out the car?” when you looked in the refrigerator after having a grocery basket full of stuff?