Tag Archives: News

EMTs Jump Man Who Thought Rapper DMX Was Being Jumped

Suits bed

Three emergency medical technicians were fined $500 and placed on a year’s probation by a New York judge for their role in jumping a passerby who mistakenly thought they were jumping 45-year-old Earl Simmons, the rapper known as DMX.

Simmons was found unconscious and without a pulse in a parking lot outside a Chinese restaurant. “As I was taking out the trash I hear a loud bark. I turn around and see this dog. It just drops on its back as if playing dead. I thought to myself, ‘oh this is too easy,’ said Sum Ting Wong, the restaurant’s cook. I pull out me trusty Katana Soultaker sword and make my move. The dog jumps up and gives me a chase. It led me to this black guy lying next to a chariot sitting on 28 inches. I call police.”

While the EMT’s were trying to resuscitate Simmons, a passerby, 23-year-old Troi Casey, mistook the exertion of defibrillators for punches. “I didn’t know that was DMX on the ground. I couldn’t see who the person was because the guys in blue was covering up the action. I just saw elbows going up and down. It was 3 on 1 so I decided to even the odds 3 to 2.”

Technically, it was 3 on 3 as nearby witnesses recount Casey grabbing Sum Ting Wong’s Katana Soultaker sword. “One of the EMT’s turns around and see the dude charging at them with the knife and did this Holly Holm roundhouse kick to knock it out his hand. Then what followed was of the greatest mob attacks since the ending of Godfather 2,” said one of the spectators.

Judge Donald Pearl said in a New York courtroom on Friday while it was acceptable for the EMT’s to defend themselves, the basis of the fine and probation stemmed from neither EMT performing CPR after Casey lost consciousness himself. To which one of the defendants replied, “But your honor we already broke a couple of ribs.”

Built atop:

What’s your favorite DMX song?

Mars Co-founder Kills Milky Way Seatbelt Eating Passenger

milkytaxi

Jacqueline Mars, a co-founder of the candy empire with the same last name, is behind bars thicker than a snicker tonight after causing a car crash Thursday that killed a passenger in a taxi who ate his Milky Way seatbelt.

During a news conference at Falls Church Hospital, sitting in a leather green luxury wheelchair, the cab driver, 46-year-old Mozzie Caffrey, recounts the conversation he had with Neal Winters, the 29-year-old victim, before Mars crash landing.

“We arrive at his destination. I turn around, and as I was telling him how much his fare was, I pause on the third digit realizing the numbers on his shirt was exactly the same. I thought I was reading a script. After the fourth digit was a minus sign. Then 2016. I asked him what year was he born. He smiles, and you gotta understand this guy had on beer goggles and ear duffs, so, I don’t know how I looked and sounded to him. He probably thought I was flirting. I yelled, ‘WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR SEATBELT?’ perceiving if he had his seatbelt on the strap would’ve covered the 2016. Then it hit me what he said before he got in and was leaning into the passenger window of my taxi like some hooker. ‘WhyIs$2.75AlreadyOnTheMeter?’ He was drunk and slurring his speech. If I wrote this it would look like a hashtag. Then I guess he noticed the Milky Way seatbelts and said, “OhItsForTheCandy?HowYouKnowIGotASweetTooth?’ He had caramel stuck in his teeth! I yelled for him to get out. Soon as he opened the door Mars attacked. Next thing I know I wake up to a fat guy in a little coat. Sorry, Dr. Skittles, but you work in the health field man, you gotta get it together.”

life minus death

Mars was driving alone in her 2020 Porsche SUV when “for unknown reasons the vehicle crossed the center line and struck a stationary yellow cab occupied by two people,” according to the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office.

Winters died at the scene. Authorities say he was not wearing a seatbelt, which played a major factor in how Caffrey survived a 4,927 pound SUV coming 90 MPH at an immobile 2,729 pound car.

The commonwealth’s attorney office reviewed the matter and found Mars at fault.

In October 2013 Mars was involved in a similar car crash near her home that killed two occupants of a minivan: 86-year old Irene Ellisor and an unborn child. Mars plead guilty to a misdemeanor count of reckless driving, was fined $2,500 and had her driver license suspended 6 months. She didn’t receive any jail time largely because of how forgiving the families of the victims were. However, the tragedy was a major component for driver license-renewal rules for seniors in Virginia. A law that took effect on January 1, 2015 lowering the age for mandatory in-person license renewal from 80 to 75, meaning Virginia drivers aged 75 and older were no longer eligible to renew their driver license electronically or by mail. Mars was 73 at the time of the crash (October 4, 2013) with her 74th birthday 6 days away (October 10, 2013).

Winters was unknowingly taking part in a moving demonstration of a Milky Way bar’s stretchy caramel. BBDO, the advertising agency that came up with the creative campaign, did not have Mars INC. permission to manipulate their products in such a way. According to Kent Jarrell, a personal spokesman for Jacquie, “They never told us about this. We never had a chance to yes it or no it. Imagine if we no’ed it. That would have been a life saver for us. And if we yes’ed it we would be talking about another topic than death cause we would have educated drivers. Was Mr. Caffrey advised by BBDO to instruct his passengers to not eat their seatbelts? I guess not!”

Mars’s attorney, Robin Gulick, told reporters  there was no evidence of intentional speeding, texting, or distracted driving by his client. There was no sign of alcohol or drug usage, according to the accident report. “I’m confident all criminal charges will be dropped once this is revealed to be just another accident. We are providing assistance to Mr. Caffrey as well as to the family of Mr. Winters in this great time of sorrow,” said Gulick.

Mars told investigators “I fell asleep” while driving, according to the report.

whiskey bottle chalk outline

 

Built atop:

What was the last thing you saw thicker than a Snicker?

Cameraman fired for being a jerk to co-worker, a dick to another

After 4 years, the cameraman who filmed popular news anchor wardrobe malfunction reveals he was terminated for the fiasco.

Panning a camera results in a motion similar to that of someone shaking their head from side to side. The perfect description of the following:

In May of 2012, Sara Eisen, then co-anchor of Bloomberg TV’s Bloomberg Surveillance, had an embarrassing on-air moment where she was caught with her dress hiked up, exposing a Big Black Contrivance strapped to her thigh.

While there was never an official public address of what the device was, a mic transmitter, a dildo, a gun holster, a shake weight in recharge mode, a flashlight, a lamp, a penis GPS locator, an umbrella, prosthetic leg, Amazon echo, from neither Eisen or Bloomberg, they did privately address who they felt was responsible for its live TV appearance, Richard Hewitt, the cameraman. “They fired me because they didn’t like my answer to why I cut Sheila Dharmarajan off mid-sentence and panned right. I said I was operating the camera with one hand. Can you believe those idiots thought I was being sexually suggestive? It was a mistake! When you are looking through the eye-piece you have zero peripheral vision, especially when she was on the right and being blocked by the camera. So, how was I suppose to know what she was doing? We always did the sweeping camera motion for the Markets Desk segment, where we got the anchor opinions on money matters.”

Hewitt, who has sold insurance since the firing, said although he’s been in the film industry for years admits to not being entirely certain what the round black tube was. “It was Brian Williams between her legs.”

Built atop:

  • Above video

What do you think the Big Black Contrivance was?

Affluenza: Catching The Flu On Purpose For $30,000 

(AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)
(AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)

What would you do for money?
Would you catch the flu up your nose on purpose if scientists threw $3,000 aaaaatchooooo?
If you said “yes” like Daniel Bennet because that amount is nothing to sneeze at.
You have to understand why those who said “no” like Ted Mavros are the ones getting the God blessed you’s.

“I received a very scolding email from my mother,” Bennet, 26, said about signing up to be affected with the flu back in 2014. “Their standards are so high,” he said of the National Institutes of Health (NIH). “I don’t believe I’m in danger. I don’t get sick that often.” Meanwhile, Mavros, 29, who was also interested in volunteering around that time let an idea prevent him from signing his name on the dotted line. “There are too many cheap people on this planet. Just think how much the medical industry makes. I would absolutely not sign up for less than 30 grand. And you should not either. If they didn’t have any subject, they wouldn’t have any choice but raise the price – or not have any testers. But most of you sell out too fast,” Mavros said on January 30, 2014.

Mr. Mavros must’ve seen the future because after struggling for almost 5 years to recruit 2,000 participants for their influenza challenge study, the NIH added another zero to their original incentive. Expectedly, the organization received over a million entries a mere  3 hours after their announcement. “We chose our volunteers carefully. You have to be healthy, not older than 50 years old, not an habitual smoker,” said Matthew Memoli, the NIH doctor leading the study. However, critics say “have a six-figure job” was a hidden inclusion criteria after the application details of the chosen 2,000 was leaked on the Internet. The lowest annual salary on the list is 85,123. Anonymous, the international hacktivist group, has threatened to launch a distributed denial of service (DDoS) attack on NIH.gov if the institution doesn’t include more financially deserving volunteers. “30,000? I don’t make that in a year. To make that in a month would’ve made my year and 2016 just begun, ” said Terry Engram, 34, the head of a 5 member family.

Mr. Engram is referring to being holed up in quarantine for at least 30 days under the surveillance of researchers; 3 weeks more than the 9 days volunteers had to spend inside a special isolation ward at the NIH hospital in 2014. “Vaccines are working, but we could do better,” said Dr. Memoli in his quest to produce a more effective inoculation, which is why thousands who said they already had the flu were excluded because scientists need to know how the immune system reacts through each step of infection, starting with first exposure. “How the body fends off influenza remains somewhat a mystery to the medical field,” said Dr. Memoli.

Although, the statistics on influenza-related deaths are questionable, Dr. Memoli knows a credible threat exists, which is why he chose a dose that produces mild to moderate symptoms. “It will taste salty. Some will drip down the back of your throat,” Dr. Memoli said, before squeezing a syringe filled with millions of microscopic virus particles, floating in salt water, into each nostril of another doctor, the most notable volunteer, G. Dick Miller, the defense-called psychologist who used the term “affluenza” in the troubling case of Ethan Couch, the 16-year-old who avoided prison time for killing four people in a drunken-driving crash in summer 2013.

When Dr. Miller was released into the recreation area within the clinic and FYTV News asked, “If you could describe this challenge study in one word, what would it be?” Treating the question with disdain because he knew what the reporter was up to, Dr. Miller replied, “I don’t have time for this bullshit” then went back to playing frisbee with cow dung.

As of writing, the National Institutes of Health hasn’t addressed the Anonymous threat.

Built atop:

Would you catch the flu up your nose on purpose if scientists threw $3,000 aaaaatchooooo?