Tag Archives: people

Sex in the Workplace

2 words. Why did I write it out as 2 instead of two? So you wouldn’t think the two words were the two words, okay? Now, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. The ampersand is the logogram &, representing the conjunction “and.” The A AND D R silent, therefore, & is the 14th letter of the alphabet, okay? Again, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. Bullshit! If I moo-ved letters apart that’s 2 words. No! If I put letters together that’s BS.

A year ago I wasted 45 minutes on this bullshit. No, not this postThat was 2 years ago. Know your dates, and know how to play with words. Mooved isn’t a typo. This Ethics & Compliance online course is about inappropriate behavior in the workplace and how you can be affected by it even if you’re not on the receiving end. Me, I’m never on the receiving end ’cause my khakis on casual Friday say, “He don’t play that.”

I work in a call center. One of the first things we tell customers is, “This call may be monitored for quality assurance.” Since we speak to each other more than customers (bad numbers, forwarded calls, etc.) our conversations should be recorded. If that occurred I would be working for myself because as you’re about to read even managers are guilty of being filthy. Desperate for something to consistently write I came up with this series about sex in the workplace, The references. The innuendos. The suggestive. With the myriad of sexual allegations in the media and today being the hump day of all hump days, what better day than today to start the series? Before we begin, as a disclaimer, none of these conversations were eavesdropped on. The following was heard sitting in one spot. I didn’t struggle to ear hustle. These conversations weren’t as private as privates. They weren’t as intimate as intimacy. These conversations start with 2 people at a volume that invites others to chime in. It upgrades to a threesome. Then a swingers party. Then the fifth wheel being left out. Then before I know it there’s an all-out conversation orgy and my customer asking, “Is there a party going on in your background?” Why, yes, Mr. Walton, let me be a party pooper. Hold please. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Get it. Shut “the fuck” up. Hahahaha.

Without further ado …

  • As we were working, we heard police sirens outside. Charlie,  the manager, jokingly said they were coming for Tommy (who sits next to me) and he was going to be locked up with Bubba. An obvious rape in jail joke. Disgusting.
  • We have two mounted TV’s. Usually one has a visual with low volume and the other is on a non-video music channel with high volume. Anaconda by Nikki Minaj came on. Josh googles an image of an Anaconda and says to Martin, “look at this Anaconda.” Martin rolls his seat next to Josh’s cubicle and bursts out laughing. Why would a boring fuzzy picture of a snake be hilarious? Because Martin was fooled into thinking it was a penis at first.
  • When Reggie, a manager, came into the room for the first time today and heard the music he said, “What are y’all listening to?” in a tone that implied he thought the song was wack. Marlena assured him the station was good and told him about the songs that were playing before he entered. She mentioned Anaconda and Wrecking Balls. The latter never came on.
  • Charlie, the manager, talking about that infamous hair gel scene in There’s Something About Mary.
  • 4 and go. We get 4 sales and can go home. The best part about it is still being paid for the remaining hours on the shift. You get your 4 within 2 hours of the shift? Well, guess what, you still get your hourly pay for the remaining 6 hours. It’s like you’re not there but you are here. Cassie got hers. Charlie, the manager, says to Tommy, “She’s selling. Are you buying?” Tommy pulls out a hundred-dollar bill. It was in reference to her selling one of her sales (’cause Tommy had no sales) but it had obvious sexual undertones (prostitution).
  • Jasmine (who sits next to me) called her man and asked what he wanted for Valentines. Before she let him answer she said, “No sex!”
  • Troy, the boss of bosses, told Debbie he ain’t doing “shit” for Valentines. That he was just going to the gym to workout. Debbie said you need to go home and workout. An obvious reference to having sex with his wife.
  • As Darin was leaving for the night she told Josh not to have too many babies tonight
  • As I was coming out the restroom I hear the other Jasmine state she not a hoe ’cause she only had sex with one person.

As I was writing that last bulletin I decided this topic isn’t good enough to be a series. I hate writing about sex. The best part about this post was the introduction to it. The bulletins were lame in comparison. I was thinking about using the same intro for future installments of the series but then freshness would be lost upon avid readers. I still want to use the workplace to inspire creativity because I’m there for almost half the day. It’s a daily source of material and I wouldn’t have to beat my brain for new ideas everyday, which is only an issue ’cause I’m not in shape at the moment. I need to buy those spy cam glasses and put up some YouTube videos. I love writing. I wrote this on paper at work and during the writing process I was in a zone. I was hearing myself think. My mind was going clickity clickity click. Time flew. It even spilled over to the job because I was more enthusiastic over the phone. Maybe instead of new posts I just constantly add to this? I don’t know. What y’all think? Would you like to consistently read about how horny my co-workers are and how much of a prude I am? Hahahaha

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Which Mike Myers Are You? 

FADE IN

INT. PAPA JOHN’S – HALLOWEEN AFTERNOON

GIRL

Are you in line?

GUY

I’m sitting down.

GIRL

Okay, you can still be in line.

GUY

How?

GIRL

You could be sitting down waiting until you were next.

GUY

No. If I was in line I would be standing up behind her.

GIRL

Okay, you don’t got to get an attitude.

GUY

I don’t have an attitude. You initiated this conversation.

GIRL

And I’m gone finish it!

GUY

You ain’t finishing shit!

GIRL

Keep talking and I’ma have my boy cousin come in here and knock your ass out. Four-eyed!

GUY

3rd grader!

EMPLOYEE

Guy and gal, will y’all please settle it down, or take it outside. We don’t need all this commotion.

GIRL

He too scared to come out outside.

GUY

That would be correct … if my pizza was done. It’s not.

EMPLOYEE

Pickup or delivery?

GIRL

Pickup.

EMPLOYEE

What’s the name?

GIRL

Darin.

EMPLOYEE

Your order is done. That’ll be $16.49.

GIRL

Maybe yours would have been done too, and we wouldn’t have met like this  if you placed your  order on the phone instead of inside. And all this time I thought people who wore glasses were smart. See you later four-eyes!

GUY

… 

EMPLOYEE

Pickup for Neal.

GUY

Yes. 

EMPLOYEE

That’ll be $8.76

GUY

You know, If it’s for pickup, y’all shouldn’t put a customer’s name on the pizza box. Gonna get someone hurt one day. 

EXT. HOUSE – HALLOWEEN NIGHT

GIRL

Hey trick-or-treater! Blue velvet suit, platform shoes, white mask, kitchen knife. Which Mike Myers are you? Couldn’t choose, huh? Well, you are not alone. Austin Powers and Halloween are my two favorites movies, so I understand. But you are missing an accessory. Please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m not a movie critic, but I can be a fashionista at times. However, I do understand why you wouldn’t wear them since you have the mask on. 

PERSON OF INTEREST

*pulls out brown case*

GIRL

Yassssssss honey the glasses! 

FADE TO BLACK

Write A Story Using Only Numbers, and The Story Must Be Sad. Make Me Cry Using Numbers. Bonus Points If The Reader Can Translate It Into Words.

 1987 -
 1991 -
 10/09/2016
 1987 + 1991 = 2
 24/7/365 + 1
 1987 + 1991 = 1
 50/50
 777
 -0
 11/23 = 12/25
 07/19/2017
 1987 + 1991 x 2017 = 3
 1991 = 05/13/2018
 1987 = 06/17/2018
 08/08/2018 + 911
 2017 - 2018
 00   00
 11   11
 1987 + 1991 - 2017 = 2
 666
 1987 > 1991
 1991 > 1987
 1991/1987
 911
 1987 - 2020
 1987 + 777 = 20171987
 1991 ...
 911
 1991 - 2022
 1991 + 777 = 201719871991
 1