Whenever I see a large gap between my views and visitors with no “likes” or comments I know two things are happening. Either someone found my blog organically through search or this no-life-having-bitch is stalking my blog AGAIN. What are you going to do with yourself when I make this blog private and move on to a new domain? You probably will kill yourself over not being able to drool over my work. Guess what … I can look myself in the mirror and say I haven’t been on your blog since the last time we talked which was months ago. Can you?
Sorry for the wait. His car still in the parking lot. He talking to someone on the phone. Text and drive! Wait … he’s backing out! Dammit, he stopped. Another car drove behind him. Okay, he’s in reverse. Dammit. Some old guy walking behind the car. He needs the aid of some sort of standing wheelchair to walk so he’s slow to move. I hope I don’t be like that when I get old. This gonna be a while.
Okay, the coast is clear. He’s … he’s … not in front of the office no more. Let me run to the door and make sure he’s out of the parking lot. Traffic is bad. Fuck! Come on, man, you had that one! What … why is he reversing? Please don’t tell me he’s coming back to the office. Ohhh he’s finding another exit. Let me follow his car out the parking lot. He can’t see me behind this pole, right? I been losing weight. He found another exit, y’all. He’s … he’s outta here.
Big Bossman won’t be back until Monday afternoon. I have a day and a half to …
- I will untuck my fucking shirt! No one can look at my ass now! That’s what the tennis tail is for. No one will see my penis print either! These not fucking 1980’s basketball shorts.
- I will take my fucking phone off vibrate. Y’all gone hear my Lana Del Rey ringtone and my Sherwood Forest text tone today muthafucka!
- Wear khakis on casual Friday. I ain’t wearing no fucking jeans today! I’m breaking the rules and finishing the week with these Classic Stones baby!
- Make the fucking temperature warm. I be freezing! Goosebumps all over my arm and shit! I try not to complain and just wear a jacket. Y’all act like I’m the IRS and trying to audit the books how y’all got me in this cold ass room shawty!
- Turn off this got-damn elevator music, Bob! We got one floor so why am I hearing this shit? I wanna hear how Bankroll Fresh ran off on the plug today.
- Park in front of the office. Look! I know we in a suite and we only got two parking spaces. I know these spots for the customers and the employees need to park far away from the building. I know this. But have you seen some of them??? They need the exercise.
- Not tell anyone “good morning,” “going to lunch,” and “bye.” Y’all ain’t gotta know where I’m at, at all times. I will come. I will go. That little chime notification that goes off every time the door opens tells you everything you need to know.
- Eat a full-course meal at my desk instead of a snack. Fuck them ants!
- Not go to the restroom just to fart. Look! I don’t know if it’s the Taco Bell, but I burnt-burnt a lot, and I’m tired of getting up. I hold that shit in too long my stomach start growling. There have been studies that said smelling farts is good for your health. I bullshit you not! I can just lie to you and say my chair was squeaking but then I gotta convince you that smell is coming from the vents. Too much trouble. And no, I won’t stop eating Taco Bell. That AM Crunchwrap steak and Naked Egg Taco bundle fye fye!
- Watch something NSFW on company computers. Nah, not porn. That’s for amateurs. I wanna watch videos of what people do with their hands in driverless cars. Like … have sex!
- Not talk in my white people voice because they can still tell I’m black. Ain’t that’s why that white lady called me the N word over and over? Why you talking shit 3,000 miles away though? Oh, yeah, okay!
- Leave the lights on. Big Bossman, you gone mess up our chances at being part of a skyline one day.
- Leave 10 minutes early. I need to beat traffic and customers who like to come in last-minute. Talking about “I just got off work.” Shit, me too!
- Not let a non-customer use the restroom. Look! It’s bad enough I gotta deal with y’all leaving piss, shit, and period blood on the toilet seat.
- Talk into my desk-fan like a child with at least one customer. Thissssss calllll mayyyyyy beeeee monitoreddddd forrrrr qualityyyyyy controlllllll.
- Rub on my nipples when a customer says, “Let me speak with your manager.” Can you say that one more time, just the way you said it, just a little more slowly … and softer. Yes, yes, yasssssssssss bitch!
- Spin around in my chair and say wheeeeee.
- Walk around like I own the place. Nah, fuck that! Let’s go back to number 17. I don’t wanna walk nowhere. Everywhere I go in the office I’m pulling up in my chair, rolling. That’s why they got wheels, right???
- Flirt with pretty customers. If you look good in-person or if you sound good over the phone I’m giving you minimum 22 compliments. I’m shooting my shot like Westbrook! 3 for 22.
- Not do any work the last 2 hours and blame it on Comcast.
Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!
Not based on true feelings
When you put a pause to what you’re saying I want to help you search for the right word to complete your sentence.
But you accidentally stumbled up-pond why I am an elusive island with the word you left me to work with.
Love and like.
Like and love.
Both begin with L and end in E.
I’m overcompensating for the letters in-between because it reveals the truth, and I’m all too aware of abbreviations and Memphis slang to ignore it.
I don’t want it to be but I’m not too shore of the current events. The waves are goodbyes. You can’t travel by relationship from an Artificial Island to a Barrier Island when another pirate already put an “arrr” in your title Ms. I cried a river up-pond realizing “arrr” means a definite yes while “perhaps” means uncertainty.
And quite frankly, that’s the only reason you’re having oceans of trouble breaking the barriers.
It’s definitely not the booties because Passport Bear landed in love with you so hard during your layover any baggage you claim I accept as a carry-on.
I want your island to flourish, but not at the risk of mines going unnoticed because I would still love to sea you come by in your friendship.
I want ’em back (I want ’em back)
The minds we had (the minds we had)
How all the thoughts (how all the thoughts)
Moved ’round our heads (moved ’round our heads)
I want ’em back (I want ’em back)
The minds we had (the minds we had)
It’s not enough to feel the lack
I want ’em back, I want ’em back, I want ’emYou’re the only friend I need
Sharing beds like little kids
Laughing ’til our ribs get tough
But that will never be enough
2 words. Why did I write it out as 2 instead of two? So you wouldn’t think the two words were the two words, okay? Now, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. The ampersand is the logogram &, representing the conjunction “and.” The A AND D R silent, therefore, & is the 14th letter of the alphabet, okay? Again, 2 words: Ethics & Compliance. Bullshit! If I moo-ved letters apart that’s 2 words. No! If I put letters together that’s BS.
A year ago I wasted 45 minutes on this bullshit. No, not this post. That was 2 years ago. Know your dates, and know how to play with words. Mooved isn’t a typo. This Ethics & Compliance online course is about inappropriate behavior in the workplace and how you can be affected by it even if you’re not on the receiving end. Me, I’m never on the receiving end ’cause my khakis on casual Friday say, “He don’t play that.”
I work in a call center. One of the first things we tell customers is, “This call may be monitored for quality assurance.” Since we speak to each other more than customers (bad numbers, forwarded calls, etc.) our conversations should be recorded. If that occurred I would be working for myself because as you’re about to read even managers are guilty of being filthy. Desperate for something to consistently write I came up with this series about sex in the workplace, The references. The innuendos. The suggestive. With the myriad of sexual allegations in the media and today being the hump day of all hump days, what better day than today to start the series? Before we begin, as a disclaimer, none of these conversations were eavesdropped on. The following was heard sitting in one spot. I didn’t struggle to ear hustle. These conversations weren’t as private as privates. They weren’t as intimate as intimacy. These conversations start with 2 people at a volume that invites others to chime in. It upgrades to a threesome. Then a swingers party. Then the fifth wheel being left out. Then before I know it there’s an all-out conversation orgy and my customer asking, “Is there a party going on in your background?” Why, yes, Mr. Walton, let me be a party pooper. Hold please. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Get it. Shut “the fuck” up. Hahahaha.
Without further ado …
- As we were working, we heard police sirens outside. Charlie, the manager, jokingly said they were coming for Tommy (who sits next to me) and he was going to be locked up with Bubba. An obvious rape in jail joke. Disgusting.
- We have two mounted TV’s. Usually one has a visual with low volume and the other is on a non-video music channel with high volume. Anaconda by Nikki Minaj came on. Josh googles an image of an Anaconda and says to Martin, “look at this Anaconda.” Martin rolls his seat next to Josh’s cubicle and bursts out laughing. Why would a boring fuzzy picture of a snake be hilarious? Because Martin was fooled into thinking it was a penis at first.
- When Reggie, a manager, came into the room for the first time today and heard the music he said, “What are y’all listening to?” in a tone that implied he thought the song was wack. Marlena assured him the station was good and told him about the songs that were playing before he entered. She mentioned Anaconda and Wrecking Balls. The latter never came on.
- Charlie, the manager, talking about that infamous hair gel scene in There’s Something About Mary.
- 4 and go. We get 4 sales and can go home. The best part about it is still being paid for the remaining hours on the shift. You get your 4 within 2 hours of the shift? Well, guess what, you still get your hourly pay for the remaining 6 hours. It’s like you’re not there but you are here. Cassie got hers. Charlie, the manager, says to Tommy, “She’s selling. Are you buying?” Tommy pulls out a hundred-dollar bill. It was in reference to her selling one of her sales (’cause Tommy had no sales) but it had obvious sexual undertones (prostitution).
- Jasmine (who sits next to me) called her man and asked what he wanted for Valentines. Before she let him answer she said, “No sex!”
- Troy, the boss of bosses, told Debbie he ain’t doing “shit” for Valentines. That he was just going to the gym to workout. Debbie said you need to go home and workout. An obvious reference to having sex with his wife.
- As Darin was leaving for the night she told Josh not to have too many babies tonight
- As I was coming out the restroom I hear the other Jasmine state she not a hoe ’cause she only had sex with one person.
As I was writing that last bulletin I decided this topic isn’t good enough to be a series. I hate writing about sex. The best part about this post was the introduction to it. The bulletins were lame in comparison. I was thinking about using the same intro for future installments of the series but then freshness would be lost upon avid readers. I still want to use the workplace to inspire creativity because I’m there for almost half the day. It’s a daily source of material and I wouldn’t have to beat my brain for new ideas everyday, which is only an issue ’cause I’m not in shape at the moment. I need to buy those spy cam glasses and put up some YouTube videos. I love writing. I wrote this on paper at work and during the writing process I was in a zone. I was hearing myself think. My mind was going clickity clickity click. Time flew. It even spilled over to the job because I was more enthusiastic over the phone. Maybe instead of new posts I just constantly add to this? I don’t know. What y’all think? Would you like to consistently read about how horny my co-workers are and how much of a prude I am? Hahahaha
INT. PAPA JOHN’S – HALLOWEEN AFTERNOON
Are you in line?
I’m sitting down.
Okay, you can still be in line.
You could be sitting down waiting until you were next.
No. If I was in line I would be standing up behind her.
Okay, you don’t got to get an attitude.
I don’t have an attitude. You initiated this conversation.
And I’m gone finish it!
You ain’t finishing shit!
Keep talking and I’ma have my boy cousin come in here and knock your ass out. Four-eyed!
Guy and gal, will y’all please settle it down, or take it outside. We don’t need all this commotion.
He too scared to come out outside.
That would be correct … if my pizza was done. It’s not.
Pickup or delivery?
What’s the name?
Your order is done. That’ll be $16.49.
Maybe yours would have been done too, and we wouldn’t have met like this if you placed your order on the phone instead of inside. And all this time I thought people who wore glasses were smart. See you later four-eyes!
Pickup for Neal.
That’ll be $8.76
You know, If it’s for pickup, y’all shouldn’t put a customer’s name on the pizza box. Gonna get someone hurt one day.
EXT. HOUSE – HALLOWEEN NIGHT
Hey trick-or-treater! Blue velvet suit, platform shoes, white mask, kitchen knife. Which Mike Myers are you? Couldn’t choose, huh? Well, you are not alone. Austin Powers and Halloween are my two favorites movies, so I understand. But you are missing an accessory. Please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m not a movie critic, but I can be a fashionista at times. However, I do understand why you wouldn’t wear them since you have the mask on.
PERSON OF INTEREST
*pulls out brown case*
Yassssssss honey the glasses!
FADE TO BLACK
1987 - 1991 - 10/09/2016 1987 + 1991 = 2 24/7/365 + 1 1987 + 1991 = 1 50/50 777 -0 11/23 = 12/25 07/19/2017 1987 + 1991 x 2017 = 3 1991 = 05/13/2018 1987 = 06/17/2018 08/08/2018 + 911 2017 - 2018 00 00 11 11 1987 + 1991 - 2017 = 2 666 1987 > 1991 1991 > 1987 1991/1987 911 1987 - 2020 1987 + 777 = 20171987 1991 ... 911 1991 - 2022 1991 + 777 = 201719871991 1