“When he didn’t immediately call me to tell me how he did on the LSAT, I knew he failed,” said Meghan Zane, who may have saved her boyfriend, Patrick Ross, from committing suicide.
Zane called Ross instead. Her suspicions was confirmed. Ross scored poorly. “The last thing he said on the phone was that he was going home to get some rest then we hung up. Then I quickly realized how bad of an idea that was. I called back several times but he wasn’t answering. So, I jumped in the car to beat him home. I knew if he got there first, that would have been a nap he never woke from,” said the girlfriend.
Zane continued, “Pat worked as an exclusive photographer. You had to be a lawyer to be his client. In some of the poses he had them point at the camera and laugh. In group shots, he had one lawyer whisper into the other’s ear. Then without their knowledge, he would go home and hang these pictures all over the walls in his apartment. He did this for motivation. For inspiration. He pretended that these lawyers, these people already in their chosen field was making fun of him for still being a photographer. I always invited him to my place because I hated going to his. Those pictures were so creepy. It’s like the finger-pointing was following me everywhere I moved like a GIF. I even started getting paranoid and would fake laugh to see if I still heard laughter after mines stopped. Why would they laugh at me? I don’t want to be a lawyer. I was going crazy. I had to get out of there.”
UPDATE: Meghan has broken up with Patrick because she fears losing him to suicide anyway if he doesn’t become a lawyer anytime soon. Meghan’s ex-boyfriend was killed by a drunk driver. She doesn’t want to lose another boyfriend in an untimely manner. Breakups can be nasty. This one was no different. When Patrick got Meghan fired from her job at Arby’s by making her late (she already had excessive tardies), Meghan got her revenge by telling all Patrick’s clients what he was doing with their photos. This has led to every lawyer in the state of New York refusing to work with Patrick, thus making him homeless as he wasn’t able to make ends meet. When we caught up with him a few days later, he was back living with his mother. The walls in his room was covered with pictures of women with an uncanny resemblance to Meghan. The poses were still the same, however, the finger-pointing seemed to be at an lower angle. All the male associates of Futuristically Yours strangely insisted doing the interview in another part of the house.
Built on top of:
• A dream I had a few weeks ago
What’s so funny? I want to laugh too.
Besides smartphone screen sizes bigger than their holder’s head and creepy Post-it notes on the mirror, app developer Brad Madalone noticed something strange about the selfie phenomenon: People rarely smiled in these pictures. However, when he observed this same group smile in photos taken by someone else, he had an idea. This past March, Madalone launched Helpie, a selfie app that snaps a pic of you every time you smile at your phone. As may be expected, smiling is the first thing you are required to do upon installing so Helpie’s facial recognition software can work its magic. The prompt asks you to produce two versions of a smile: A toothy one and a closed mouth one. The convenience of the app lies in it not just snapping pics without letting you get prepared. It gives you 3 seconds to strike a pose then it says Cheese! Automatically, the photo is shared on Facebook and Twitter.
While some love the randomness of the app, there are those who create several fake Google Play accounts giving it bad reviews. One man, 20-year-young Andrew Sniles is even suing Madalone and Helpie for making him unhappy in life. “I use to be the most positive person you would ever meet. Ask my friends. Then when I heard about this app I thought it was cool. I mean, I’m always taking selfies. I got all the other selfie apps like FrontBack and Shots, so why not. I started getting annoyed at the app taking all these pics of me when I smiled at text messages from my girlfriend or when I read Onion articles on my phone. It was even taking pictures when I was laughing. I thought it was just for smiles? Instead of uninstalling it I just started frowning at my phone. No matter how cute a text was or how adorable a kitten was I just frowned. This eventually crossed over into the real world. My friends started making up excuses not to hang out with me. My girlfriend dumped me. Even my baby sister cries when I go pick her up. She don’t even reach her little arms out for me to hold her anymore. I didn’t know what was wrong with me until I looked in the mirror and saw my facial expression was stuck on a frown. This app has destroyed my life!”
At press time, Madalone couldn’t be reached for comment regarding the lawsuit.
Built on top of:
•Smiling at a person’s text more than their face
Do you find yourself smiling at your phone more than a person?
Taco Bell fired this California employee after he was photographed licking a stack of taco shells.
Wendy’s fired him for chugging ice cream from the Frosty machine.
Subway fired Ian Jett for rubbing his penis on sandwich bread and freezing his urine at work.
Burger King fired “Idiot King” for lying on a mountain of hamburger buns.
Now, these 4 are teaming up to launch their own … restaurant. “Because of the part on applications that ask for your previous employer and why you left, neither of us have been able to find work since,” said, former Subway employee, Ian Jett. “3 of us was fired for having fun with food that was never intended to be served to customers. Mines was done at home. I’d never do that at work. And, he was making practice tacos.” “Yeah, the only reason I licked them was because they were the Cool Ranch shells,” said, the former Taco Bell employee. “The reason why they’re stacked like that in the photo was because I was on my way to the garbage.” “Me too! We was throwing all our expired buns on the floor! I love SpongeBob! The episode Squidward got locked in a room in the Krusty Krab with a whole brunch of krabby patties looked so fun. I just wanted to sleep on this burger mountain, said, ex-Burger King employee, “Bakka King.” “As Ian said, ‘3 of us.’ Now, my situation is a little different,” said the former ice-cream-eating Wendy’s employee. No, we was not seconds away from throwing our Frosty machine away when I did that. My mouth wasn’t touching anything so I don’t see what the big deal was. I can see if my mouth was touching anything silver. I mean, what’s the difference between my mouth and an ice cream cone? My mouth had the same distance from the faucet as a cone. It’s not like anyone got any ice cream that day. Because of what I did, the manger told us to just tell people who wanted ice cream that the machine was broken.”
When Ian “The Sandwich Artist” Jett saw “Bakka King” viral photo, he said that’s when the idea hit him and he reached out to the other 3 via Twitter and Facebook. “Wendy’s, Taco Bell, Subway, and BK don’t have to worry about each other no more. We’re their new problem and about to compete and drive them out of business. We’re calling our restaurant Four Foods because that’s what we’re famous for: Burgers, tacos, subways, and ice cream for dessert. And because we know people will be hesitant to eat at our restaurant because of the photos, we thought of a cool way to calm them. Customers will have to bring their own taco shells, hamburger buns, subway bread, ice cream machines, and we’ll supply the rest. And if that’s not cool enough, we will only be open an hour a day, which means things will be moving so quickly we won’t even have time to pre-rub an item.”
UPDATE: Robert Wilson Jr. who works at a McDonald’s in downtown Chicago has sent a statement after reading about this news:
If they make it to see an opening day, I, as well as others, will stage a strike in front of their store like we recently did with their former employers. Why? Because scumbags like them are the reason we’re not getting paid $15 an hour.
Built on top:
- Now we can worry about Taco Bell workers licking the shells (msn Now)
- Wendy’s investigating photo of worker eating ice cream from the machine (Journal Sentinel)
- Subway employee puts his penis on sandwich bread; another freezes his urine at work (Huff Post)
- Burger King employee fired for taking photo of himself laying on a mountain of hamburger buns (Buzz Feed)
- Fast Food workers’ pay protests pick up steam (Washington Post)