Tag Archives: poem

Rose Petals In The Snow (NSFC-hristmas)

Severed foot in my stocking stuffer
Santa Clause walking with a candy cane
Ol’ Saint Nick down with the swirl
Pull him up by his salt and pepper beard with cookie crumbs in it
“You got a cherry nose because you are what you eat”
Force feed him more deer meat
Now, Dasher! Oh, that made your designer belt pop!
Now, Dancer! Whoa, that made your little round belly shake like a hoe hoe hoe!
Now Prancer and Vixen! Slay slay slay!
On, Comet! Feeling a little out of this world, are we?
On, Cupid! Aww, that’s going straight to the heart!
On, Donner and Blitzen! Santa ain’t real, if I’m lying may God strike me in half
Tik-tok tik-tok
Nothing, because he’s as real as you
Leave the way you came
Oh, Santa’s gained weight and stuck in the chimney
Wait a minute!
Santa’s lost weight ‘cause of the Chronic Wasting Disease and now a chimichanga
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Hell is a fireplace
Santa’s gonna burn (ho!)
Santa’s gonna burn (ho!)
Santa’s gonna burn (ho!)
Santa’s gonna … haha

Santa got stuck going down the chimney head first
Rayne, dear, I ain’t pulling your leg, but when the reindeer was pulling his leg it only made matters worse
Santa logged in and his hair caught fire
The black-and-blonde-haired-kids were cracking up and called him a ginger, the elf on the shelf replied a …
“That’s not nice” (na-na-na-na)
“That’s not nice” (un-un-un-un)
Run, run, but Santa couldn’t catch his breath and the wind lost to fire
All bent outta shape like a candy-cane about being round and quickly getting tired
He was resting on hay bale in some barn when a cow approached him
“I want to eat 2% of you” Santa roasts him
“I’m not a real Ginger, moolie
“So, you just gone ignore the whi- This, I know, because they have better insults than that, Wendy’s Twitter account schooled me”
“Give up them cookies, punk!” “Who me?!”
“I’m a fucking man, that’s a ‘no forever’ “
“I don’t mean pussy, we don’t go together, I want them chocolate chips, I mean, WE go together
But you may wanna stay away from the other side of the barn, it’s a horse over there who likes to rap about how hung he is
But you didn’t hear that coming from my mouth or my bum, see this?
That’s where the foxes are, you know, those little skanks
Don’t walk in those regions if you ain’t gotta checking account with River Bank
If you broke, no worries, go take some dough from this old couple
But, just know, them pigs don’t like getting up from snorting they snow, and y’all too fat to tussle
You know what, fuck the struggle!
How about this hustle?
Just tell the grands you wanna make some extra Christmas money with your shovel
I’m sure they’ll love you, I’m sure, I’m sure”

Pedaling in the snow (oh-oh-oh-oh)
I see rose petals in the snow (oh-oh-oh-oh)
Hopeless romantic hopeful (go-go-go-go-go-go)
Follow your heart, un-huh, follow-follow your heart
The last petal in the snow, un-un-un-un, is loves me not (no-no-no-no-no-no)
Now it’s more red in the snow (more red, more-more-more red)
Bloody Merry Christmas
Or should I say Bloody Mary EXmas? (whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa)

  • Work in Progress: Sidewalks of New York (Part 2)

  • Check the comment section an hour after this post publishes for a big YouTube update (if you care about my journey)

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Sidewalks of New York (Part One) 🗽🚶🏽‍♂️

I’ve been feeling melancholy lately/
I pass a thousand people on the street everyday and yet still feel isolated/
When I politely tell them they should say “excuse me” for knocking me off course/
They say “excuse me” but it’s in a very different tone of voice/
“I’m sorry” vs “you sorry”/
The only person that knows you in this big city is the one who took your wallet

I feel so alone
On the sidewalks of New York
But I feel so at home
On the sidewalks of New York
Don’t need ya taxi ride
On the sidewalks of New York
I need the exercise
On the sidewalks of New York

Resting my forehead against the train’s rattling window/
To keep from falling asleep and missing more than my stop, keys, phone, CC info/
If I wanted to be stripped I would lean over there on that big pole/
Which I’m going to do if you sit close in your trench coat/
Do you see “stupid” written across my forehead?/
“Before you transferred the word to the glass, umm, oh yeah”

I feel so alone
On the sidewalks of New York
But I feel so at home
On the sidewalks of New York
Don’t need ya taxi ride
On the sidewalks of New York
I need the exercise
On the sidewalks of New York

Got my weed from the coffee cart guy/
He wraps it up in your pretty newspaper headlines/
Do my best Stallone impression with food in my mouth/
Give me a hotdog and I can make Talia’s head turn when I Adrian shout/
I like to feed the rats my cheese pizza/
I still ate my bagel after Rachel grabbed the gap between lawyer and paralegal

My me time is all the time
Grand Central, Atlas
My me time is all the time
Delacorte, 42nd
My me time is all the time
Fifth Avenue, Williamsburgh
My me time is all the time
Metronome, Bathman’s Sidewalk burr

That’s cold man …

Flower Power 10.21 🌹⛄️

I’m playing
With the floral prints on my pants
She loves me she loves me not
The holes in my clothes the rose petals in the snow
Whether I’m on both for her tulips or on 1 to tie the knot
My knees aren’t exposed, R.I.P to the ripped
Lucky girl Domino cared, shared, didn’t leave me bare, assed out like a hospital robe
The orchid covering the orchid like frottage
Her shorts is so boyish
Daisy dukes your prince says flush sleeping in your Jeep down the toilet
My greenhouse welcomes transparency and comes with no mortgage (Oh shit!)
That mess
Of using the year of your car as your address
Is in our rear view pass tense
Jammed jamming to the Buckwheat Boys last hit
The irony of Californians being used to being stuck in traffic
Is that they gotta make their cars just as comfortable as their pad is
You know how it feels to be homeless?
What if that piece of flap I was holding
Was the box you threw away after you opened
Label got your name, phone and street number on it
These chipmunk cheeks can pop out the foam peanuts at any moment
And turn you into a cardboard cutout, don’t mean to be joking
But it’s fitting the back of you is all brown because you shitted on yourself
I’ll be the sign-holder of the crime scene when the Crown Vic, Charger, and Tahoe approaching
“He went that way” and go the other way
Opposites don’t attract, I’m fucking gay
Placing a flower down the barrel of a soldier’s rifle didn’t work
Because now I got floral prints on my pretty little white shirt
… and it hurts

Adam and Steve
Madam and Eve
Met him and she
Read ‘em and weeped
Po-po-po-poker face, po-po-po-poker face
Oooh oooh, ahhh ahhh
Babies on your face, now you Googoo Gaga
Whowho haha

Flower power
Flower power
Flower power
Dandelions & tiger lilies & bear grass oh my !
Flower power
Flower power
Flower power
My my my my my my my
The smell of the flowers is killing us all
Bye bye-bye bye-bye bye-bye

I’m out

Mama You Can Do It

Sitting on the kitchen floor in my panties and tee its 3:54 in the morning
Eating ice cream with the refrigerator door halfway open
I’m hoping my daughter don’t walk-in on me rummaging through the trash, no, no, no
Rum age? What I’m looking for is 2 days old
Wednesday and Thursday marked out on the calendar but so
I’m about to lose this game of tic tac toe, oh ohhhhhh

Mama you can do it
Please just go back to bed
Before you end up puking
I’ll hold your hair if it comes to it
And if you must sleep by the toilet
Little spoon will hug you from the back
You can tuck me in again when you’re sober
No, you can’t come in my friend, mama said no hangovers

Dad, I know what you are thinking
But this time mama wasn’t drinking
She swerved to avoid hitting a wolf
I wish she did after what it did to little red riding hood
We spared its life
Least it could do is stop these pigs from treating my mama like a kid, saying ABC’s, walking in a straight line

Mama you can do it, do it, do it, do it

Big Spoon and Little Spoon Get a Room (Pillow Talk)

When you talk about bringing home the bacon you my tablespoon

When you talk about in sickness and in health “say yes” you my soup spoon

When you talk about raising our babies you my silver spoon

When you talk about talk is cheap and basic you my plastic spoon

When you talk about shit that they did you my teaspoon

When you talk about things that me squint like Asians you my Chinese spoon

When you talk about no other worm gets your fish baited you my salt spoon

When you talk about being decorated in your occupation you my souvenir spoon

When you talk about retiring from our dream vocations you my caddy spoon

When you talk about your breast I’m patient you my grapefruit spoon

When you talk about waking up to each other every morning breath smelling like “say less” you my coffee spoon

When you talk about whatever it’s always on beat with my heart you’re amazing you my love spoon

FY,
Har+new

Kiss Peace

French Fries at the Bottom of the Bag

Comfort food
I come for you
In a conquered mood
What I’m to do?
Don’t play dumb
Like a plate of crumbs
I know you can say some’ so say some’
The way the cheese hang out the burger makes it look like a tongue
Do I gotta compliment you before you will talk to me? Yum!
Now talk to me
Just when I thought you were gone
And I started to feel all alone I found …

French fries at the bottom of the bag (un-huh)
Almost went “Curry for 3” in the trash (un-huh)
French fries at the bottom of the bag (un-huh)
I’ll eat you cold so don’t you feel bad (un-un)

My work I’m doing it, your work I’m doing it
I’m not a boss but, I’m Super Work Bitch
Untuck my shirt my tennis tail becomes a cape
Fuck your clubhouse I got famous on my 15 minute break

Where all my ladies at who spend too much time in the bathroom? Put your brushes and combs in the air. I want you to repeat after me, go …

It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend (go!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend (don’t stop!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend

Okay, now where all my fellas at who spend too much time on the computer writing dirty haiku poems? Put your keyboards in the air! Repeat after me, go …

It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend (go!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend (don’t stop!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend

Get your crown off the ground King (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Queen (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground King (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Queen (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Royal Family (yeah!)
Get your crown off the ground Royal Family
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground