Tag Archives: romance

Chicken Sexer

Raw chicken
Or a white couple on a mission
The drumsticks are her legs wrapped around his waist
As if she’s trying to keep his pants on, haha, too little, too late

The bottom where the cockerel at
Because in 4 minutes the bun in the oven taking the top rack
The oven window fogged up
Opening the door will get ya hot and bothered

Roast chicken
Or a black couple in position
The wings are her arms wrapped around his back
The nails dig in when it’s time to eat, fruit roll-up tongue looking like a snack

Somebody done ate too much
Now you gotta unbutt, unbutt, unbutt
Somebody took many many licks
Now you gotta unzip, unzip, unzip
Somebody had too much sauce
Why don’t you just take your pants off, off, off

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“This Is Everybody’s Air, Sir!”

 

FADE IN

DUDE

Mam, can you put your cigarette in your left hand?

LADY

What?

DUDE

The wind is blowing the smoke this way, getting it all in my nose.

LADY

Why don’t you stand on the left of me, then?

DUDE

Because the sidewalk is clear here. There’s still a lot of ice on that side. I don’t wanna *simultaneously pretends to slip while saying dialogue* whoa whoa whoaaaaaa!

LADY

*takes puff of cigarette and blows kiss that leaves smoke circle in air* Are you gonna catch it?

DUDE

What, the kiss or the lung cancer? No, thank you, to both. It doesn’t matter. Here comes the bus!

The LADY flicks the cigarette. The two board the bus. As they head to the back, DUDE accidentally steps on a passenger’s shoes. 

DUDE

My bad!

BOYFRIEND

It’s okay.

GIRLFRIEND

Your feet too big, baby.

BOYFRIEND

And your head too big to be laying on my bad shoulder.

GIRLFRIEND

No, no, stop, let me lay my head down. You know I need my power nap before work, now.

BOYFRIEND

Nope, nope, nope.

GIRLFRIEND

You know, I can’t lay my head in your lap. How would that look?

BOYFRIEND

Ughhh! Heeahh *bounces shoulder*

GIRLFRIEND

You love your Gina!

GIRLFRIEND lays head on BOYFRIEND’s shoulder and closes her eyes. A man wearing a hoodie boards the bus with a backpack. He sits backpack down and pays fare.

BOYFRIEND

*thinks to self* Did he forget he left his backpack right there? Why would he sit his backpack at the front and go to the back? He gone have to move it if somebody come on with bags of groceries. Why is he standing up? Plenty of seats.

The mystery man pulls the cord. 

BOYFRIEND

*thinks to self* He getting off already? He could have walked here!

The mystery man gets off the bus where he was standing, at the back doors. The BOYFRIEND looks in the front, at the backpack. 

BOYFRIEND

*thinks to self* He left his …

The BOYFRIEND turns around, looks out window and sees the mystery man running. 

BOYFRIEND

Whoa, bus-driver, this our stop, too!

GIRLFRIEND

*opens eyes* We here, already?

BOYFRIEND

Come on, baby!

GIRLFRIEND

This not our stop!

BOYFRIEND

Baby, come on!

GIRLFRIEND

What you doing?

BOYFRIEND

We getting off! Come on!

GIRLFRIEND

I gotta be at work in 20 minutes!

BOYFRIEND

You not going today.

GIRLFRIEND

What you mean I’m not going? I can’t miss no more days or be late for the next 8 weeks or I’m gone be fired!

BUS DRIVER

Is this y’all stop?

BOYFRIEND

Yeah, I’m sorry! Come on, baby!

GIRLFRIEND

I’m not coming nowhere!

The BOYFRIEND grabs her by the waist and carries her off on his shoulder. He holds her in a hugging position as the bus takes off. 

GIRLFRIEND

Wait! Let me go, Sean! Stop! You gone make me late! Stop! You gone get me fired!

She accidentally sticks him in the eye with a nail while she is hitting him upside the head. The BOYFRIEND hunches over in pain, rubbing his eye. As she is running after the bus, it explodes. She falls to her knees and breaks down crying. The BOYFRIEND runs to her, falls to his knees and hugs her. 

FADE TO BLACK

Why you think the BOYFRIEND didn’t wanna alert everyone on the bus something might be wrong?

 

  

3 Reasons Why The “Heartbroken Becomes The Heartbreaker” Cycle Needs To STOP!

Orange shirts
Do you recognize one of these shirts?

Dear Har-old,

It’s the year 2014 for you. And you haven’t experienced true love as of yet. In my time it’s 2041, and you have. Between your present time and my future time you have broken hearts … and had yours broken. You know I’m strategic, and being this is my first letter to you in months, I know you deduced your first love is imminent. It is. Deeper thinking would also suggest which side of the fence you will be standing on. Reasoning would say since you know the outcome, when you meet her avoid subsequent encounters. You can do that. But it’s STILL gone happen. Unless, of course, you are inwardly detached and don’t give the relationship your all in fear of the pain of heartbreak. That’s not the way to live. This letter will protect your child-like spirit from the rigidness of the adult world. Okay. I want you to picture your dream girl (Think Janelle Monae) and imagine she just broke your heart. You are in a delicate position with a critical decision to make. Will you make it with your heart or head? You being emotional this letter will show why the head is above the heart.

Because it makes you close-minded

Did you know your heart is made out of glass? Folded arms are the heart’s bulletproof vest. However, you won’t be able to speak this body language until the heart shatters into the hardest logic puzzle EVER. Then BOOM! Someone solves it. Well … not quite! Every time they try to put the last puzzle piece in they get cut. Blood is drawn. You and your best friend have the following conversation:

Best Friend: Girl, whatever happen to Har-old? Y’all shared the same birthday; both y’all wanted the same amount of kids and had the same philosophy on to how to raise ‘em; both y’all’s ultimate goal was to have a successful business; y’all finished each other sentences. Shit! Y’all was like the male and female version of each other.

You: Girl, his favorite color was orange! That motherfucker that broke my heart favorite color was orange. I told Har-old to pick another favorite color and his stubborn ass wouldn’t do it. Sooooo *sings* I’m single and back on the prowl …

Repair your broken heart by yourself. Replace that cheap, easily breakable stuff with Gorilla/Sapphire Glass and open your arms again. It may seem like the best way to protect yourself against painful experiences is to be rigid. You will kill the playful, receptive child in you when you do. And when you do, no one will think you’re cute enough to be around.

Because you REALLY fell in love with your imagination

You just spent an abrupt yet enchanting evening with your beloved. “What’s this?” They left some sort of  Frisbee-sized, empty-centered circle behind. You call and tell them they forgot it. They say, “I’ll get it later.” Later becomes months. Now, y’all still have seen each other during this time. But the encounters were so brief and the moments so intoxicating, that by the time you remembered to say, “Don’t forget your … “ they were long gone. One day, you sit this ring-like disk in a prominent place, no matter the beautiful chaos, you won’t forget to return it. But something important happens. The circle gives you the ability to do something you couldn’t do with them standing next to you : Think. Something their overwhelming presence wouldn’t allow. Their mere association with the disk gives your imagination the required space to run wild. But something freaks you out as your thoughts become the more intense: that disk faintly glows. But you like where your thoughts are going. You don’t want to stop. Not now! Your fantasy reaches a thrilling climax. When you open your eyes you see the light, a steady light running through the disk. It’s a halo. What was once going to be given to them in their hand will now be placed on top of their head. Only after they break your heart will you realize why they weren’t in a rush to get the “halo” back … it wasn’t theirs.

Because the person who broke your heart WINS

Opposites attract. Have you noticed the difficulty for two heartbreakers to find each other even when it’s more of them in the world? And because it’s more of them, that naturally makes it harder for two innocent people to cross paths. Therefore, it’s always the innocent and the heartbreaker running into each other. When the world first started it was warm. Then the first person who got their little heart broke said, “I vow to never experience this pain again. For now on, I’m the heartbreaker.” Thus, began the “heartbroken becomes the heartbreaker” cycle. The world became cold. Why? Because no one  never said, “I like getting my heart-broken.” And you shouldn’t like it, because it’s no fun. But what is fun? Winning and maintaining your individuality. Because you lose when you become what/who you hate.

One day, a man was breaking up with his girlfriend at the park. The argument was loud enough to be heard by other park-goers. One woman in particular happened to been the original woman who broke the man’s heart. The man used the woman’s breakup monologue verbatim from 4 years ago. The woman pulled a bag of popcorn from out of her purse and sat down on a nearby bench. After the girlfriend ran off crying and the “show” was over, the woman put EVERY SINGLE heartbreaker on the world’s biggest conference call and said, “We got another one!” It’s your job to say, “FUCK A SEQUEL!”and write an original screenplay that will have your sneaky-ass EX choking on a popcorn kernel. This is YOUR movie!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S. You did good on the 1st and 2nd. But now … you been fucking up! Phone off at 8. Up at 6. COME ON! COME ON!

Heart Patch

 

 

FADE IN

INT. WAREHOUSE – MORNING

DAY ONE

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar) (thinks to self) This heat is getting to me.

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smile) (thinks to self) There she go! Her hair hasn’t been done since she’s been her. Always these 2 big braids. She looks like my cousin Damon in the face. Can pass for Snoop Dogg’s daughter more than Snoop Dogg’s daughter. You can’t tell if she has breast from a distance. Her jeans have more leg room than most girls. Yet, I see pass all that. I love her body structure! She is the only girl I want to talk to in here.

INT. WAREHOUSE – AFTERNOON

DAY TWO

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar) I am hot. The fan never blows on me.

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smiles) (thinks to self) There she go! I wonder will I make things awkward for her and her friend … nah that’s definitely her cousin or sister. Them 2 and that other girl they always be with look too much alike to not be blood. But I wonder will it be awkward if I tried to talk to her when her sister was the one who seemed interested in me with that, “What are you reading?” question? I don’t know. I’m just so attracted to her. I need to find out her name. It looks like it start with an S. Skylar? I love the way she move. She walk just like a ballplayer. Basketball? Soccer? Baseball!!! But her walk looks a little different today. Her shoulders are hunched over. Her posture is usually erect, with her shoulders back and down. Chest poking out. She looks tired.

INT. WAREHOUSE – EVENING

DAY THREE

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar and leaves index, middle finger in shirt) (thinks to self) I feel sweat rolling down my back! (balls fist) Ugh!

GIRL

(walks by)

NUBRISCO

(smiles) (thinks to self) There she … whoa! She’s limping, and dragging her leg! What happened? She’s walking like she’s been walking on these warehouse floors for 20 years. Probably injured herself playing basketball or something. Hmm.

INT. WAREHOUSE – MORNING

DAY FOUR

*Nubrisco walks across the floor with a grey tote in his hand. 4 pieces of paper hang from the wall letting employees know which defective product go where: No collate; damages; needs monogram; missing pieces.*

MS. JOYCE

What’s that, Nubrisco?

NUBRISCO

Damaged. (turns around)

GIRL

(crawling on the floor)

NUBRISCO

(runs to her aid) (pulls her up) Are you alright?

GIRL

I lost all feeling in my leg.

NUBRISCO

What’s wrong?

GIRL

For the last couple days I been getting this same beach towel with my name on it. (shows towel to Nubrisco)

NUBRISCO

(camera zooms in on towel through Nubrisco’s POV, as if his eyes couldn’t believe what he saw) (thinks to self) Skylar? I was right!

GIRL

And it came with this heart that needs to be patched on it. I put it in the right area all the time so I’m confused why I keep getting it back the next day the same way. Don’t think I’m crazy, but it’s been messing with me psychologically: Seeing my name on this beach towel without the heart attached.

NUBRISCO

Let me see it.

GIRL

(hands Nubrisco the towel and heart)

NUBRISCO

(holds the towel in his left hand, heart in his right) (presses the heart against the towel for 5 seconds) (dangles the towel)

GIRL

OH MY GOD! IT’S NOT FALLING OFF! HOW YOU … HOW YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS?! ONLY A STEAM-IRON COULD HAVE DONE THAT! (scratches head)

NUBRISCO

(tugs collar)

GIRL

(jumps in Nubrisco’s arms)

*Aerial view camera shows Nubrisco and Skylar hugging. Nubrisco swings Skylar in his arms*

FADE TO BLACK

Basket Of Love

I sent her some flowers yesterday with a note attached saying:

*Yelling through the microphone* to *bring you back*.

*Be like a gnat* and swarm around me again.

A bear name Harry is somewhere in that *cluttered room*.

He needs a hug.

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

Har+new??? Didn’t you mean Har-old? Oh, because of the play on words?

No, no, no, no, no.

More like OUT with the *OLD*, IN with the *NEW*.

Now “play” with those words.

FY,

Har+new

P.S. I’m still disappointed in you but couldn’t let that get in the way of helping you out. What you do now (present) does affect the later (future).

Lead Me Not Into Temptation…

Dear Trista,

Give up on old crushes-A crush is just a crush.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Embrace it as hormones and chaotic thinking patterns.

In order to be successful in life, you just give up on some things. This being one of them.

Say your goodbyes. Hello new goals. Better focus.

Futuristically yours,

Tris-Transformation