Tag Archives: Satire

Why I Killed My Career As A Doctor to Become A Stripper

stripper-lives-matter

Advertisements

EMTs Jump Man Who Thought Rapper DMX Was Being Jumped

Suits bed

Three emergency medical technicians were fined $500 and placed on a year’s probation by a New York judge for their role in jumping a passerby who mistakenly thought they were jumping 45-year-old Earl Simmons, the rapper known as DMX.

Simmons was found unconscious and without a pulse in a parking lot outside a Chinese restaurant. “As I was taking out the trash I hear a loud bark. I turn around and see this dog. It just drops on its back as if playing dead. I thought to myself, ‘oh this is too easy,’ said Sum Ting Wong, the restaurant’s cook. I pull out me trusty Katana Soultaker sword and make my move. The dog jumps up and gives me a chase. It led me to this black guy lying next to a chariot sitting on 28 inches. I call police.”

While the EMT’s were trying to resuscitate Simmons, a passerby, 23-year-old Troi Casey, mistook the exertion of defibrillators for punches. “I didn’t know that was DMX on the ground. I couldn’t see who the person was because the guys in blue was covering up the action. I just saw elbows going up and down. It was 3 on 1 so I decided to even the odds 3 to 2.”

Technically, it was 3 on 3 as nearby witnesses recount Casey grabbing Sum Ting Wong’s Katana Soultaker sword. “One of the EMT’s turns around and see the dude charging at them with the knife and did this Holly Holm roundhouse kick to knock it out his hand. Then what followed was of the greatest mob attacks since the ending of Godfather 2,” said one of the spectators.

Judge Donald Pearl said in a New York courtroom on Friday while it was acceptable for the EMT’s to defend themselves, the basis of the fine and probation stemmed from neither EMT performing CPR after Casey lost consciousness himself. To which one of the defendants replied, “But your honor we already broke a couple of ribs.”

Built atop:

What’s your favorite DMX song?

Mars Co-founder Kills Milky Way Seatbelt Eating Passenger

milkytaxi

Jacqueline Mars, a co-founder of the candy empire with the same last name, is behind bars thicker than a snicker tonight after causing a car crash Thursday that killed a passenger in a taxi who ate his Milky Way seatbelt.

During a news conference at Falls Church Hospital, sitting in a leather green luxury wheelchair, the cab driver, 46-year-old Mozzie Caffrey, recounts the conversation he had with Neal Winters, the 29-year-old victim, before Mars crash landing.

“We arrive at his destination. I turn around, and as I was telling him how much his fare was, I pause on the third digit realizing the numbers on his shirt was exactly the same. I thought I was reading a script. After the fourth digit was a minus sign. Then 2016. I asked him what year was he born. He smiles, and you gotta understand this guy had on beer goggles and ear duffs, so, I don’t know how I looked and sounded to him. He probably thought I was flirting. I yelled, ‘WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR SEATBELT?’ perceiving if he had his seatbelt on the strap would’ve covered the 2016. Then it hit me what he said before he got in and was leaning into the passenger window of my taxi like some hooker. ‘WhyIs$2.75AlreadyOnTheMeter?’ He was drunk and slurring his speech. If I wrote this it would look like a hashtag. Then I guess he noticed the Milky Way seatbelts and said, “OhItsForTheCandy?HowYouKnowIGotASweetTooth?’ He had caramel stuck in his teeth! I yelled for him to get out. Soon as he opened the door Mars attacked. Next thing I know I wake up to a fat guy in a little coat. Sorry, Dr. Skittles, but you work in the health field man, you gotta get it together.”

life minus death

Mars was driving alone in her 2020 Porsche SUV when “for unknown reasons the vehicle crossed the center line and struck a stationary yellow cab occupied by two people,” according to the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office.

Winters died at the scene. Authorities say he was not wearing a seatbelt, which played a major factor in how Caffrey survived a 4,927 pound SUV coming 90 MPH at an immobile 2,729 pound car.

The commonwealth’s attorney office reviewed the matter and found Mars at fault.

In October 2013 Mars was involved in a similar car crash near her home that killed two occupants of a minivan: 86-year old Irene Ellisor and an unborn child. Mars plead guilty to a misdemeanor count of reckless driving, was fined $2,500 and had her driver license suspended 6 months. She didn’t receive any jail time largely because of how forgiving the families of the victims were. However, the tragedy was a major component for driver license-renewal rules for seniors in Virginia. A law that took effect on January 1, 2015 lowering the age for mandatory in-person license renewal from 80 to 75, meaning Virginia drivers aged 75 and older were no longer eligible to renew their driver license electronically or by mail. Mars was 73 at the time of the crash (October 4, 2013) with her 74th birthday 6 days away (October 10, 2013).

Winters was unknowingly taking part in a moving demonstration of a Milky Way bar’s stretchy caramel. BBDO, the advertising agency that came up with the creative campaign, did not have Mars INC. permission to manipulate their products in such a way. According to Kent Jarrell, a personal spokesman for Jacquie, “They never told us about this. We never had a chance to yes it or no it. Imagine if we no’ed it. That would have been a life saver for us. And if we yes’ed it we would be talking about another topic than death cause we would have educated drivers. Was Mr. Caffrey advised by BBDO to instruct his passengers to not eat their seatbelts? I guess not!”

Mars’s attorney, Robin Gulick, told reporters  there was no evidence of intentional speeding, texting, or distracted driving by his client. There was no sign of alcohol or drug usage, according to the accident report. “I’m confident all criminal charges will be dropped once this is revealed to be just another accident. We are providing assistance to Mr. Caffrey as well as to the family of Mr. Winters in this great time of sorrow,” said Gulick.

Mars told investigators “I fell asleep” while driving, according to the report.

whiskey bottle chalk outline

 

Built atop:

What was the last thing you saw thicker than a Snicker?