Tag Archives: Satire

The late Jim Henson accused of sexual assault by Kermit The Frog: “He put his entire arm up my keester”

When Kermit the Frog presented the Muppet Thought of the Week back in August it was met with mixed reviews, mostly negative, in the Youtube comment section of the video. The quote itself was praised. It was the voice that delivered the message that drew heavy criticism. “Kermit voice sounds like Ernie from Sesame Street,” one displeased commenter wrote. “Kermit’s new voice sounds awful,” another one remarked. When questioned by the paparazzi about the negative feedback, Kermit admits to doing things differently this time around. “That was my real voice. The first video I ever did without an arm up my keester.” The shocking response immediately prompted speculation Kermit the Frog was being fisted on camera by Jim Henson and Steve Whitmire for 62 years. I owe my fame to Henson. I wanted to retire when he suddenly died in 1990. After several weeks of his kids, Brian and Jane, personally asking me to let Steve put his hands up my keester and continue their father’s legacy I obliged. You can’t say no to the kids. At first it felt weird having someone else’s fingers moving all around in my keester, and my voice was off, then too, if you look at the videos in that period. Then I started to get use to it and my voice sounded like how a voice suppose to sound when you have an arm up your keester.”

“Dreams are how we figure out where we want to go. Life is how we get there,” he says in the short clip. “I’m headed this way.”

Kermit the Frog stated the message he delivered on Muppet Thought of the Week using his real voice was not a coincidence at all. “You know, I first met Jim when we were both 12 years old. I left the swamps of Mississippi and was the first frog to talk to a human. It started in his biology class. He was playing around and stuck his finger up my keester and I communicated all his deepest thoughts. Humans scared me, and I was too shy to do it again, but somehow he convinced me with a teacup and a spoon.”

Kermit reveals his decision to finally use his real voice was due to age and understands the initial shock of the change but hopes for positive feedback soon as more videos are released. “I’m not getting any younger. At any moment I can croak. It’s not easy being green.”

Do you think other animals will come out about their owners?

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Police Officer gets major surprise after pulling over driver of car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Cops photograph car with massive Christmas tree tied to its roof

Massachusetts – No, it wasn’t Clark Griswold leading Sudbury PD on a Chevy Chase. It was the father of Officer Noble driving tree miles-per-hour in a brand new minivan. “I’m like, dad, did you steal this? This is not our precious Malibu Most Wanted. Where did you get this from? I was stunned, you know.” Officer Noble’s partner, Officer Shambo, insisted a citation be written due to the safety hazard for all drivers. “The tree eclipsed the car. With the way the tree covered the door, if something bad would’ve happen, it would have been difficult for passengers to get out. Her little brother was inside as well. The tree dangled over the windshield causing view obstruction. Other drivers could be distracted by the tree and not pay attention to traffic,” said Officer Shambo. Noble argued against a citation in favor of a verbal warning and helping secure the tree to the roof with caution tape. After a little back and forth between the partners, Noble’s cousin jumped out the Christmas tree with a camcorder yelling “You Got Punked” in reference to the infamous Ashton Kutcher reality show. Noble learned her family and partner staged the whole event to give her Christmas present early, which was under the tree, the 2018 Chrysler Pacifica. “The patrol car was my car. Now I can feel like a soccer mom and not a bad mom having my kids ride in the backseat.”

What do you want for Christmas?

Taco Bell testing out turning hot sauce packets into fortune cookies

Shanghai, China – Yum China Holdings, Inc. (“Yum China,” NYSE: YUMC), and Taco Bell Corp., the world’s largest Mexican-inspired restaurant chain, today announced that they have fine-tuned a Taco Bell favorite for Chinese consumers: putting words of wisdom on the inside of hot sauce packets instead of the outside to remind customers of fortune cookies. Despite the success the brand has had since relaunching (January 2017) its first restaurant in China since 2008, Chief Executive Officer, Micky Pant, still felt like the menu was missing something.

“The menu features Taco Bell favorites that have been adapted to local tastes. We give more of a generous serving of rice in our burritos than Americans receive. We put rice in our taco salads and use soy sauce as dressing, also, including it as a non-alcoholic beverage. Hell, we even brought back the Chihuahua and didn’t cook it, but something still was barking at me,” expressed Pant. “At the time we weren’t selling Mexican fries and I was in the mood for some French fries and Burger King was the closes, being down the street. As I’m driving there I see all these red packets in the road, so many, in fact, I get out my car to clean them from the lane. They were crushed ketchup packets. So, I get there and order. They were so frea-king boring! So frea-king average! How can a place like Burger King get it right when it comes to burgers but so wrong when it comes to fries? They were disgusting! I complained. That’s when it hit me. I took another route back to Taco Bell and was combing through our hot sauce packets and there it was, ‘The road to mediocrity is littered with empty ketchup packets.’ The kind of stuff that tells you the future. Millions of people already collect our packets for the sayings, so all the more reason to tear carefully.”

To help guide customers, Pant stated the new packaging will have a empty white box on the front of the packets, which will be the location of the phrases on the inside.

In the announcement, Pant shared that them making sauce packets into fortune cookies will not hurt Chinese restaurants as much as their entire menu has hurt real Mexican restaurants since 1962. The Yums Brand had nothing but complimentary remarks for Yum’s. “We can never compete with them, okay. While we spend billions to get more than half the US population to see our commercials once a week, they never make them and still serve billions. When was the last time you seen a commercial for a Chinese restaurant?”

Have you ever seen a commercial for your local Chinese restaurant?

Best Buy Prohibits Black Friday Shoppers From Camping Outside Stores After Man In Woods Incident

Best Buy asks customers suffering from any form of memory loss to sleep in cars instead of camping outside stores after man misses Black Friday sale thinking he’s in the woods.

In hopes of not getting his fist in cuffs because of fisticuffs over cuffing the last DVD of F.I.S.T. like last year, a Texas man skips Thanksgiving with his family in order to not skip any strangers in line. The decision was over a television, but 38-year-old Gater Raid is no LeBron James. “I’m just a guy who wanted to save $300 on a 50-inch.” But after not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 calls from his wife fustigating him over his choice, Gater Raid started drinking heavily.

“I must’ve woke up hung over. My head was hurting so bad I didn’t remember a thing I did last night. I only found out ‘cause of my morning breath. I woke up startled like a kid in Sims 4 when you cancel the sleep action. I didn’t know why I was in a tent. I didn’t know why bells where ringing (Salvation Army), why people were yelling. I thought I was still asleep and dreaming. I peeked out the tent and saw everyone running from something. After I saw all those little chicken legs I quickly jerked my head back inside ‘cause I was afraid of seeing a giant turkey chasing them. Maybe they missed Thanksgiving too and it wanted revenge? I don’t know. I looked around to find my phone so I could call police. When I couldn’t find it that’s when I knew I was in the woods ‘cause I never take any electronics with me on camping trips. I found the courage to poke my head out again, and this time, extended my neck a little further and saw this purple tent with a table sitting in front of it. They had a banner with a cellphone on it. I ask have they called the cops. Said something about Boost Mobile not snitches and stuff. That’s when I realized I was in front of Best Buy and it was Black Friday.”

As of writing, Best Buy or any other store haven’t reported any similar incidents and Raid’s wife would not give any details on what she is getting her husband for Christmas. The staff here at Futuristically Yours doesn’t know if that’s due to the tradition of the holiday or if that means she’s not getting him shit. Sorry readers!

What did you buy on Black Friday?

RIZE

  • TITLE: RIZE
  • LENGTH: 30 SECONDS
  • PRODUCT: POLITICAL ENDORSEMENT
  • WRITER: HAR+NEW

This is a dual column screenplay where the description of the action would be on the left and the dialogue on the right, but since I don’t have that feature (some plug-in) in my post editor I’m going to utilize the horizontal line.

 

AUDIO

A poet recites the National Anthem.


VIDEO

A man bows his head and closes his eyes, kneeling on one knee. The word CHURCH is at bottom left corner.

A child is on one knee trying to tie his shoes. The word SCHOOL is at bottom left corner.

A woman is on both knees looking in a pocket-mirror, putting on lip gloss. The word CONCERT is at bottom left corner.

When the 3 hear footsteps approaching they look up and stand still with a frighten facial expression. The barrel of a gun appears on screen. The off-screen gunman says, “BANG!” All 3 put their right hand over their chest and fall flat on their back. The camera pans from their motionless bodies to a United States flag hanging out the barrel of the gun. The final scene shows the mysterious gunman (from the back) walking off putting his hoodie back over his orange hair.


AUDIO

Rise.

EMTs Jump Man Who Thought Rapper DMX Was Being Jumped

Suits bed

Three emergency medical technicians were fined $500 and placed on a year’s probation by a New York judge for their role in jumping a passerby who mistakenly thought they were jumping 45-year-old Earl Simmons, the rapper known as DMX.

Simmons was found unconscious and without a pulse in a parking lot outside a Chinese restaurant. “As I was taking out the trash I hear a loud bark. I turn around and see this dog. It just drops on its back as if playing dead. I thought to myself, ‘oh this is too easy,’ said Sum Ting Wong, the restaurant’s cook. I pull out me trusty Katana Soultaker sword and make my move. The dog jumps up and gives me a chase. It led me to this black guy lying next to a chariot sitting on 28 inches. I call police.”

While the EMT’s were trying to resuscitate Simmons, a passerby, 23-year-old Troi Casey, mistook the exertion of defibrillators for punches. “I didn’t know that was DMX on the ground. I couldn’t see who the person was because the guys in blue was covering up the action. I just saw elbows going up and down. It was 3 on 1 so I decided to even the odds 3 to 2.”

Technically, it was 3 on 3 as nearby witnesses recount Casey grabbing Sum Ting Wong’s Katana Soultaker sword. “One of the EMT’s turns around and see the dude charging at them with the knife and did this Holly Holm roundhouse kick to knock it out his hand. Then what followed was of the greatest mob attacks since the ending of Godfather 2,” said one of the spectators.

Judge Donald Pearl said in a New York courtroom on Friday while it was acceptable for the EMT’s to defend themselves, the basis of the fine and probation stemmed from neither EMT performing CPR after Casey lost consciousness himself. To which one of the defendants replied, “But your honor we already broke a couple of ribs.”

Built atop:

What’s your favorite DMX song?