Tag Archives: screenplay

Simmer Simmer (Teaser Trailer)

FADE IN

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

VOICEOVER

I speak 4 different languages.

The camera gets a close-up of the American flag outside the jewelry store a man enters.

VOICEOVER

Spanish.

Close-up of Spanish employee smiling. You can hear him greeting her in Spanish underneath the voiceover.

VOICEOVER

Chinese.

Close-up of General Tso chicken. The man taps the glass counter. The jeweler takes out a piece. 

VOICEOVER

Annnnnnnnd (as this is being said a blur effect comes into focus revealing a green crystal) Simlish.

INT. BOARDROOM – DAY

The man greets another person, shaking their hand.

PROTAGONIST

Sul Sul. I’m Harnew and I’m a Simmer.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

PROTAGONIST

In the real world, I’m a nobody, but to the Sims, I am a God!

Small clips showing the man smiling and laughing at his computer.

PROTAGONIST

Until one day they decided they wanted to get from under my control.

The man shakes his computer monitor. 

PROTAGONIST

All the households are unplayable. Newcrest, Windenburg, Brindleton Bay, all the maps, all the worlds are grayed out.

The man repeatedly taps the keyboard before finally smashing it on his desk. 

PROTAGONIST

Fuck!

WOMAN

Baby, what’s wrong?

PROTAGONIST

The Sims … the Sims have taken back the game.

FADE OUT

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“Kids, I’m Not Carjacking Y’all, Ohh-tay?”

FADE IN

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

A man is walking away from a store. In the parking lot, he opens the passenger-side door on a car. He sees two kids in the backseat.

MAN

Oh, I’m sorry!

WOMAN

(screaming)

Hey! What are you doing?

MAN

I’m sorry, I thought this was my ….

WOMAN

(screaming)

He’s trying to steal my car with my babies inside!

MAN

What? No! I thought this was …

The woman pulls a gun out of her purse and runs in their direction. The man jumps on the hood of her car to get an overview of the parking lot in search of his ride. He doesn’t see it. When he looks down at the windshield he notices the woman left the keys in the ignition. The woman fires a shot at him. She misses. In a panic and without another choice, he jumps in her car and drives off.

MAN

Kids, kids, I’m not carjacking y’all. I. Am. Not. Carjacking. Y’all. Okay?

CHILD 1

Ohh-tay.

The woman shoots at the rear end of the car.

MAN

[pokes head out window] Your kids are in the car, you asshole!

The man pulls out his cellphone. 

FRIEND

Hello.

MAN

Where the hell are you?

FRIEND

I went across the street to pay my T-Mobile bill. I’m on my way back now.

MAN

I’m not there!

FRIEND

What you mean?

MAN

After you left, a car that looked just like yours pulled up in the parking spot.

FRIEND

That’s crazy!

MAN

I thought it was yours and opened the door. This woman came out the store screaming I was stealing her car.

FRIEND

Where are you now?!

MAN

In her car!!!

FRIEND

Huh?

MAN

She shot at me!

FRIEND

Shit!

MAN

There are kids in the backseat, dude!

Police sirens sound off. 

MAN

She called the cops! Meet me at MLK boulevard, where Selma hospital is. Kids …

CHILD 2

Yaaa?

MAN

I did not carjack y’all.

CHILD 1

Ohh-tay.

The man pulls over. The camera is from his POV now. He puts his hands over his eyes. When he takes his hands off his eyes the scene transitions with him sitting on the curb running his fingers through his hair, thus finishing the motion. A second cop car pulls up, with the woman riding as a passenger. 

WOMAN

Where are my kids, you bastard?

OFFICER

They’re over there with my partner, mam.

WOMAN

Why is he just sitting on the curb and not in the back of y’all car? Arrest him!

OFFICER

We want to see if his story checks out. He said you and his friend have the same car. You got the same parking spot he had when he drove off to another parking lot.

MAN

She shot at me!

WOMAN

You believe that bull?

OFFICER

I’m sure this is a big misunderstanding,  but if your friend doesn’t pull up in a car that is her car’s twin you are going to jail, my friend.

MAN

I’m not lying! I told him to meet me here.

OFFICER

He’s taking an awful long time to. What’s his name?

A dozen people riding bicycles pass by. The one trailing behind the group stops and takes off their helmet. It’s his friend. 

MAN

FRIEND

Sorry, I’m late! You not gone believe what happened when I came back to the parking lot. Some guy saw my ‘for sale’ sign in the window and paid me 3 times what I was asking for. Then hit me with the ‘and one more thing’ and guess what that one more thing was [bounces the front tire]. Isn’t that awesome?

MAN

[looks at the sky] Nooooooo!!!

The scream is heard throughout the city. Distant people turn their heads. Flock of birds fly off. A dog laying down covers its ears. The guy who bought the friend’s car is at a red-light, smiling, listening to music at a low-level and wiping the dust off the dashboard when suddenly all the windows burst.  

FADE TO BLACK

 

 

Why Companies Should Use “Fire” Over “Terminate” When Letting Employees Go

FADE IN

INT. YOUR COMPANY – AFTERNOON

EMPLOYEE

Hey, Charles, is Amber okay? I haven’t seen her around in 2 weeks.

SUPERVISOR (CHARLES)

Did she mean something to you? I never seen y’all two …

EMPLOYEE

… talk? Yeah, I mean, we never had a conversation, but she always caught my eye. I’m just curious.

SUPERVISOR

She was terminated.

EMPLOYEE

(surprisingly)

Oh my God! Seriously? By who?

SUPERVISOR

Us.

EMPLOYEE

What, what do you mean by us?

SUPERVISOR

US, the company.

EMPLOYEE

Who in the company?

SUPERVISOR

Me. Frank wanted to do it, but I had to be the one to handle it. This was personal.

EMPLOYEE

And you’re just gonna … confess to me like that?

SUPERVISOR

I terminate people all the time, man [giggles]. It’s no big deal. It’s life!

EMPLOYEE

All, all the time? What?! What did Amber do? She wouldn’t drop the box cutter?

SUPERVISOR

Too many tardies.

The employee flashbacks to last week when they was called in the office to discuss their own attendance for the past 5 weeks: tardies and absences. The words, “Start making it on time or else,” from the company’s representative, echoes in the employee’s head.

EMPLOYEE

(mumbles)

Terminate is or else?

THE NEXT DAY …

INT. YOUR COMPANY – MORNING

A car pulls up on the company’s lot, breaking the 5 MPH speed limit, double parks. Someone jumps out the car and runs into the building. It’s the employee. The supervisor waits at the clock where workers swipe their badge. 

SUPERVISOR

Well, well, well … you’re one minute late!

EMPLOYEE

(rapidly)

That turn signal light changes so fast. It was 3 cars ahead of me. ‘Bout time it was my turn it changed to red. I was sitting there for like 7 minutes.

SUPERVISOR

No more excuses! [puts hand inside jacket]

EMPLOYEE

He got a gun! [knocks out supervisor with punch]

All 42 employees in earshot of “He got a gun!” scream and run towards the exit, trampling the supervisor in the process. While the supervisor’s motionless body lies on the ground, a pink slip waving in the air falls on his face. 

FADE TO BLACK

 

Taxi Driver Collateral

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. TRAVIS APARTMENT – MORNING

Tuesday, December 2, 2014, 7:15AM

TRAVIS

(phone rings) Hello.

FRIEND

Hey Travis! My car won’t start.

TRAVIS

[sighs]

Okay, well, I can’t afford to miss another day of work, so I’ll call a cab.

FRIEND

I still should be able to pick you up. I’m getting a boost off at 9.

TRAVIS

Cool.

40 minutes later …

INT. COMPANY’S HEADQUARTERS/CAB  – MORNING

CAB DISPATCHER

(phone rings) Hello.

TAXI DRIVER

Hey, Miss Carol, I got a problem with a customer …

CAB DISPATCHER

[giggles] Why are you wasting your time arguing with him?

TAXI DRIVER

We passed that. He’s paying with debit. When he tries to get his receipt the monitor in the back says “Printer not connected”  but the monitor up front says it is. He already swiped his card twice. I don’t wanna make him do it again.

CAB DISPATCHER

[indistinct chatter]

TAXI DRIVER

She said just call up there around 9 when the cashier is there and she can email you a receipt.

TRAVIS

[sighs] Aight.

CAB DRIVER

Sure you don’t want me to drop you off?

TRAVIS

Nah, I’ll walk the rest of the way.

Travis gets out the cab and starts walking.

CAB DISPATCHER

You didn’t drop him off at work?

CAB DRIVER

Nah, he told me to just stop the car and let him out.

CAB DISPATCHER

 He mad or nah? [giggles]

CAB DRIVER

Hey, don’t put me in for no calls for the next 30 minutes. I need to run an errand.

Scene ends with Travis walking.

INT. FRIEND’S CAR – AFTERNOON

Tuesday, December 2, 2014, 3:30PM

TRAVIS

Let me see your phone.

FRIEND

[passes phone]

BANK OF AMERICA

[automate system]

As of December 2nd 2014, your available balance is $125.07.

FRIEND

Why you looking like that for?

TRAVIS

I got $125.07 on my card.

FRIEND

So?

TRAVIS

I suppose to have $315. That taxi company overcharged $38 five times. And he … did it on purpose!

FRIEND

He? On purpose?

TRAVIS

The cab driver … for our argument and for him not getting more money. I gave him the address to Taco Bell.

FRIEND

I thought you was going to work?

TRAVIS

The McDonald’s next to it. I wanted to eat breakfast first.

TRAVIS

When I got in the car, I said we gone hit the express way. He said, “Where you think I was going?” His tone made me feel like he thought I was being condescending. He had a bad attitude. We was already driving at this point and I didn’t want to be late trying to catch another cab. I noticed he had his phone in his lap so I assumed he was on Google Maps. When we missed my exit, I said, “Where you going?” He got loud and said, “Look! I can’t read your mind!” and start accusing me of creating an argument because I didn’t wanna pay.

FRIEND

Whet?!

TRAVIS

I just told him to stop the car and let me out. Luckily, at this point, I was 20 minutes from my job walking. Then the cherry on the cake was when the printer wouldn’t give me my receipt. I swiped twice so I don’t understand how I got charged 5 times. The fare was actually 42 dollars but he said I only had to pay 38. But a 190 dollars is off my fucking card. He got me!

INT. COMPANY’S HEADQUARTERS/TRAVIS APARTMENT – DAY

Wednesday, December 3, 2014, 7:30AM

RUTHIE

[phone rings] Hello

TRAVIS

Hey, I talked to you yesterday about an overcharge.

RUTHIE

I remember your voice.

TRAVIS

You said the system charged me twice. But I was charged 5 times. 190 dollars.

RUTHIE

We only show two transactions.

TRAVIS

And I show 5. I had $315 in my account before this. My bank can fax y’all the screenshot!

RUTHIE

They can do that, but we can’t refund money that we don’t see on our end. The system only shows 2 transactions. We refunded one of them back to you and only charged you for the $38 you was suppose to pay.

TRAVIS

I need my money back! That’s my rent money! That’s all I have!

RUTHIE

Our system only shows 2 transactions. One in which you were suppose to pay and one in which was refunded back to you. I don’t see these other 3 charges. Did you give the driver your card?

TRAVIS

No, I had it in my hand the whole time. I swiped it both times.

RUTHIE

I don’t know what to tell you. Call your bank.

INT. TRAVIS APARTMENT – MORNING

Thursday, December 4, 2014, 8:00AM

BOA

We can’t do nothing about pending charges. You gotta let them post or fall off.

TRAVIS

The charges have been pending since Tuesday!!!

BOA

If they post, we can then file a dispute claim. It usually take 3 business days for them to fall off. But there is a way you can get your money back same day.

TRAVIS

How???

BOA

Have them fax us a letter head with your name, card number, the total cost of the transactions and that they are gonna release them. And have them sign it.

TRAVIS

[sighs]

They’re not gonna do that! They only see 2 charges on their system. Okay, this happened on Tuesday. The charges are still pending. Look! My rent is due tomorrow! That’s all the money I have! If I don’t get my refund soon I will be evicted. When will they post or fall off?!?!

BOA

3 business days. This happened on Tuesday, so, Friday.

TRAVIS

Tomorrow.

INT. TRAVIS APARTMENT – MORNING

Friday, December 5, 2014, 6:37AM

TRAVIS

[dials numbers]

BOA

[automate system]

As of December 5, 2014, your available balance is $163.07

TRAVIS

Whet?! [hangs up]

INT. FRIEND’S CAR – MORNING

FRIEND

What’s wrong?

TRAVIS

Do you have $152 I can borrow until next week?

FRIEND

I’m broke my self, but I’ll see what I can do. Try not letting this affect your work.

INT. TACO BELL – NOON

Travis stares at his Frito Burrito and thinks about being evicted and moving back in with his mom.

CO-WORKER

You’ve been quiet all day today. I thought when we got to lunch I would at least hear some lip smacking but you’re not even eating. What’s wrong, dear?

TRAVIS

… nothing!

INT. FRIEND’S CAR – EVENING

TRAVIS

So?

FRIEND

No luck! I’m sorry!

TRAVIS

[sighs] Let me see your phone. Mines dead. Wish me luck! [dials numbers]

FRIEND

Who you calling?

BOA

As of December 5, 2014 your available balance is $315.07

TRAVIS

YESSSS!

INT. RIVERVIEW DRIVE – EVENING

The taxi driver walks up to his apartment unit and sees eviction notice on his door.

INT. 308 EVES PLACE LEASING OFFICE – EVENING

ADRIAN

Hi Travis. What can I do for you?

TRAVIS

Pay rent …

ADRIAN

Here’s your receipt. Anything else I can do for you?

TRAVIS

Yeah, and this is for next month’s rent.

ADRIAN

I see they paying you well. Maybe I should come work over there? [giggles]

Travis smirks and the scene transitions into what happened December 2nd after the taxi driver and Travis departed. 18 minutes into Travis walk he spots the taxi driver getting back into his cab and pulling off a lot (remember that errand he had to run?). Travis walks on the lot, pulls out a key and unlocks the door. The door to the leasing office in the apartment complex where the taxi driver lives. Travis works there. The scene ends with Travis picking up the money order the taxi driver slipped under the door.

FADE TO BLACK 

Buy 1, Get 1 Free Milkshake At Chik-Fil-A

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. CHIK-FIL-A – DAY

EMPLOYEE

May I help the next person in line?

CUSTOMER

Hey.

EMPLOYEE

How are you doing today, sir?

CUSTOMER

Great.

EMPLOYEE

What can I get for you today?

CUSTOMER

I want 3 Chik-fil-A burgers …

EMPLOYEE

What?

CUSTOMER

3 Chik-Fil-A burgers …

EMPLOYEE

Who?

CUSTOMER

Huh?

EMPLOYEE

I’m sorry, sir, I’m having difficulty understanding you. Would you mind repeating your order?

CUSTOMER

I. Said. I. Want. Three. Chik. Fil. A. Burgers.

EMPLOYEE

Burgers? What are those?

CUSTOMER

Am I in Taco Bell or something? It’s right there on the menu … the Chik-Fil-A sandwich!

EMPLOYEE

Sandwichessss … there you go! Will that complete your order?

CUSTOMER

No. I also want a large fry. Aaannnddd gimme a large chocolate milkshake.

EMPLOYEE

How about I just get you the Chik-Fil-A combo and substitute the drink for that milkshake. It’ll be $1.60 more. Then add 2 Chik-Fil-A sandwichessss to your order. That way you’ll save some money compared to ordering those items individually. Is that fine?

CUSTOMER

That’s fine.

EMPLOYEE

Can I get a name for the order?

CUSTOMER

Atheist.

EMPLOYEE

But ….

CUSTOMER

Don’t start with me!

EMPLOYEE

Coming right up.

45 seconds later

EMPLOYEE

Order for At. At.

CUSTOMER

You funny, you know that!

EMPLOYEE

[Smiles]

CUSTOMER

Where’s my milkshake?

EMPLOYEE

They’re making it now. Did you want whip cream and a cherry?

CUSTOMER

Additional charge?

EMPLOYEE

No, sir.

CUSTOMER

Yeah.

EMPLOYEE

Here’s your milkshake, At.

CUSTOMER

What kind of milkshake is this?

EMPLOYEE

Hmm … it looks like … chocolate.

CUSTOMER

No, I asked for the cookies and cream one.

EMPLOYEE

Oh, okay, no worries, we’ll fix you another one. Would you like this one anyway? Because we’re gonna throw it away.

CUSTOMER

[Smiles]

FADE TO BLACK

The Vending Machine Refund Hack

Based on true story

FADE IN

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2014

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* Damn, 65 cents for a small bag of chips? Am I paying more because they’re baked? Forget it, I’m hungry. [inserts dollar in vending machine] Where’s my change?

Some guy walks into break room. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

Pardon me.

SOME GUY

Hey.

EMPLOYEE

Where do you report lost money in the vending machine?

SOME GUY

To security, and they’ll give you your money right back.

EMPLOYEE

Okay, thanks.

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I lost some money in the machine. What do I do?

SECURITY

[grabs small piece of paper] You fill out this form with your name, how much you lost, what type of item it was.

EMPLOYEE

What about where it say vending machine serial number?

SECURITY

Don’t worry about that.

Employee fills out form. 

EMPLOYEE

Okay, I’m done. What do I do with it?

SECURITY

Leave it here at the desk. We’ll give it to the vending machine man.

EMPLOYEE

Will I get my money back today?

SECURITY

The vending machine man won’t be back until Monday.

EMPLOYEE

[rubs ear]

INT. COMPANY NAME  – MORNING

NOVEMBER 17, 2014

EMPLOYEE

[walks into break room] Hey, I lost money in the vending machine Friday. I filled out a form and left it with security.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

They haven’t given me anything.

EMPLOYEE

They haven’t?

VENDING MACHINE MAN

No.

Employee walks to security station.

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I filled out a form Friday, reporting lost money in the vending machine.

SECURITY

Let’s see. [grabs small piece of paper] Is this yours?

EMPLOYEE

Yeah. *thinks to self* Why they didn’t give it to the vending machine man when he came in this morning?

SECURITY

You take it to HR.

EMPLOYEE

Now you take it to HR?

SECURITY

Yeah, they’ll give you your money back.

Employee walks to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

Yes, how may I help you?

EMPLOYEE

I lost some money in the vending machine. I filled out this form at security. They told me HR gives us our money back.

HR

That’s not *insert Company name* vending machine. The vending machine company handles that. They give us a certain amount of money a week to reimburse people who lost their money. I don’t have any today.

INT. COMPANY NAME  – MORNING

NOVEMBER 18, 2014

Employee walks to HR office and knock on door.

EMPLOYEE

Hey …

HR

I don’t have any money today.

EMPLOYEE

[sigh]

INT. COMPANY NAME – MORNING

NOVEMBER 19, 2014

Employee comes to work and overhears an co-worker talking to the vending machine man in passing.

CO-WORKER

I lost three-fifty in that machine yesterday, sir.

VENDING MACHINE MAN

Employee walks to HR office and knocks on door. 

EMPLOYEE

Has the …

HR

No money today.

Employee walks fast back to break room. 

EMPLOYEE

Argh. He’s gone!

INT. COMPANY NAME – AFTERNOON

NOVEMBER 20, 2014

Employee walks to security station. 

EMPLOYEE

Hey, I need to fill out a lost money in the vending machine form.

SECURITY

When did you lose it?

EMPLOYEE

Last Friday.

SECURITY

Why you just now filling out one?

EMPLOYEE

I filled out one Friday and brought it everyday. HR never had money. I forgot and left it home today.

SECURITY

Here you go. [hands over form]

Employee fills out name, date, how much was lost, type of food, etc. The employee walks to HR and as their knuckles were about to knock on the door, they freeze. The employee walks to the break room, looking at all the vending machines. He stops at the machine that sells microwavable food. The camera shows the employee’s POV: It shows the machine accepts 1’s and 5’s and that a cup of noodles is $1.50. The employee looks up to the right and sees a flashback of their co-worker telling the vending machine man they lost $3.50.

EMPLOYEE

*thinks to self* I never told HR or the vending machine man how much I lost. Security didn’t even look at my form. How crazy would I look putting up all this fuss for a week all for 35 cents? I need to be reimbursed for my money and my time for waiting. Let me move this dot over and put a zero here. Just incase they ask, let me have my story straight: I put $5 in here for a cup of noodles.

Employee walks back to HR. 

EMPLOYEE

[knocks on door]

HR

[opens door] I got money today.

EMPLOYEE

[hands form]

HR

$3.50 … hmmm … well … I don’t have any change. They only gave me ones. I guess you’re gonna get four dollars. A 50 cent profit. [laughs]

EMPLOYEE

[laughs] Why, thank you!

HR

You’re welcome. Until next time.

EMPLOYEE

I can’t wait …

Employee closes HR door back up. 

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)

… until the vending machines start accepting 100’s.

FADE TO BLACK

Wal-Mart Door Greeter Says “F**k You Too!”

Based on true story

FADE IN

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

CUSTOMER

[approaches Wal-Mart entrance]

DOOR GREETER

Here ya go. [pushes grocery basket to customer]

CUSTOMER

[moves door greeter’s basket out the way; grabs own basket]

DOOR GREETER

Fuck you, too!

CUSTOMER

Nah, fuck you! Don’t push no damn basket at me! Old ass *censored* working at Wal-Mart. Where your ambition at? HUH?!

INT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer shops for food then goes to Deli section to order some Ranch Chicken and Jalapeno bombers. Cook takes too long to come to front and take order. Customer sees grandma entering. 

CUSTOMER

I’m about to come out. This the last thing I’m about to get.

GRANDMA

It’s okay. I need to get a few things anyway.

CUSTOMER

Where you get your basket?

GRANDMA

Just on the outside.

CUSTOMER

Did you see an old man out there?

GRANDMA

Yeah, it’s two guys out there.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, one of them said “fuck you” to me ’cause I wouldn’t take the basket he pushed at me.

GRANDMA

Watch your mouth!

CUSTOMER

That’s all you heard, grandma?

COOK

Yes sir, what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER

I’ll be right back. I need to go handle something.

COOK

Sure?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I’ll be right back.

Customer finds supervisor and reports what happened at the entrance. 

SUPERVISOR

What he look like?

CUSTOMER

Older; dark-skin; had on one of those blue vest; a beanie on his head.

SUPERVISOR

Had on a Wal-Mart vest?

CUSTOMER

Um, yeah. *thinks to self* I think I saw blue?

SUPERVISOR

Did you see his name on his vest?

CUSTOMER

No. *thinks to self* Why didn’t I wear my glasses today? Ugh!

SUPERVISOR

Let me go see who you’re talking about. Wait here.

Supervisor walks to entrance and comes back 5 minutes later. 

SUPERVISOR

I didn’t see who you were talking about.

CUSTOMER

He probably moved now. This happened about 15-18 minutes ago. I shopped first. Do y’all got cameras outside where y’all store the baskets at?

SUPERVISOR

Yeah, we can see you from all the way down the street, up the block and around the corner. I’ll be back. Wait here.

20 minutes later the supervisor communicates with a team leader who is standing with the customer.

 TEAM LEADER

She said which entrance you came in at: The home depot side or the food side?

CUSTOMER

 The food.

17 minutes later the supervisor buzzes in again. 

TEAM LEADER

She said what are you wearing.

CUSTOMER

Black jacket. Black jeans. Green polo. I’m light-skin.

Some old man wearing dark clothing and a beanie walks behind the customer service counter. 

CUSTOMER (CONT’D)

Who’s that?

TEAM LEADER

He works in automotive.

CUSTOMER

*thinks to self* Is that him? I can’t tell. Dammit, why didn’t I bring my glasses?! Let me stare at him and see if he stares back then I’ll know. He’s not looking this way! He just went into the back. Shit!

33 minutes later the supervisor communicates through the team leader. 

TEAM LEADER

She said how long ago this happened.

CUSTOMER

About 18 minutes ago. Well, nah, ’cause I been waiting right here for a minute so …

TEAM LEADER

19 minutes.

CUSTOMER

*jaw drops*

11 minutes pass.

CUSTOMER

Hey, I’ma go ahead and pay for my food.

TEAM LEADER

Okay. When you’re done, come back and wait right here.

CUSTOMER

[sadly]

Okayyyyyyy.

20 minutes later a security guard comes out. 

SECURITY

Hi sir. I’m Chris, the head security guard at Wal-Mart. The supervisor sent me out here to get an re-enactment of what happened.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, so,  I came in right here …

SECURITY

Did you pay for these groceries?

CUSTOMER

Yeah, I did. *thinks to self* They wouldn’t have bags on them if I didn’t pay for ’em, you idiot you!

EXT. WAL-MART – DAY

Customer re-enacts incident for security guard. 

CUSTOMER

And that’s how it all went down.

SECURITY

Yeahhhhh, we don’t have cameras out here. Sorry!

CUSTOMER

Whaaa … but the lady said she can see me down the … up the … around the … umm I’m going home!

Customer pushes grocery basket to truck in an hurry.

CUSTOMER

Sorry about that. They was doing all this investigating, and had me waiting and stuff.

GRANDMA

What happened?

CUSTOMER

My ice cream melted.

FADE TO BLACK