Tag Archives: sex

Wedding Ring In The Gym Bag 💍💼

Wedding ring in the gym bag /
While I knock beach sand out the punching bag /
With the finger the tan line is at

I didn’t get on 1 knee to make you get on 1 knee to kiss a ring you bought with your wealth /
You said you will love me through sickness and health /
So I thought your heart-shaped lips clicking the waistline of my ring finger would stop it from looking pale /
Lightskin, lightskin, well, wail, whale

You don’t care about the muffin top on my ring finger, you care about the one that’s on my body /
You worked it out in your head “the only time a man takes his wedding ring off is in the gym” to see if he still got it

Sloppy or hottie, I never let ‘em see me sweat /
After we got married, I stopped singing on the treadmill so can’t another woman tell you how my voice sound when I’m talking during sex /
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Ain’t believing nothing I say I see /
Mobile around my mobile when I’m not local, hacking my iPhone’s Face ID

So know when I ask you who you gone be for Halloween I’m going to town /
Be like me, fling your ring when you go ding ding and find out life’s a beach when you drown /
Some Dundee put in quicksand when I left out /
And you want me to help pull you up but wanna be picky about /
Which hand I use like I’m the butler from Hell’s House /
I’m a big boy, I can watch Scary Movies by myself now

Deuces

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Get your ass in the car

I said get your ass in the car, Lizzy

Put my suit jacket over the cold shoulder she gave me

Over the cold-shoulder-dress she’s looking hot in

Hand on the small of her back leading her while letting her be the leader

She’s two steps ahead but I’m on her heels

Other hand getting the door

Pulling her by the hair mid-squat in the car

Putting her hair behind her ear, caressing her chin, lightly choking her, tilting my head since I got the bigger nose and pinning her tongue down

Her eyes remained close for another 3 seconds after the muah like it was the kiss of death

Her knees buckling

Hand on the small of her back slowly rubbing her ass and thighs before hooking her at the popliteal to pick her up

Dropped her on the leather seats to the sounds of creak and squeak and crunch and scrunch as she fixed her dress in the doorway

Peered through the rear windshield to see was Jane Doe gone be ex or be next

I victory flexed, whispery yes, when I saw her leaning over cheating during the door test

Necktie wrapped around my head in a cancer awareness ribbon knot

They’re not shades, they’re not sunglasses, they’re alien eyes

Sleeves of my buttoned-up rolled to the forearm

First two buttons undone makes it a V-neck

Leather gloves on steering with just two fingers

Holding my beer with two fingers

Driving with an elbow out the window

My hand just above her knee

Her leg shaking

Everything she saying has a vibration in it

But she never once asked, “are we there yet?” ‘cause she likes the long rides

The windows fogged up

And reappeared something from when they were last fogged up … Har+new

WordPressident #13

Our bottom lips sticking together as we pull away from the kiss
The hug dies in our arms
Scratch on our ring fingertips as we let go of each other hands
Walking away from each other backwards with clean backgrounds
Not taking no L’s, falling in the hole of the O, getting hit by a V, crashing into a dam snake oil salesman who claims his Dell didn’t always have a tilted E
The barbecue sauce on my ribs
So I know you’re the HIS in Memphis
Okay, well, maybe for a season after I saw too much skin I bundled up and got my meat cumin spiced on a spring mattress
She was leaving before you entered the picture
Don’t act picture-perfect as if you’ve always been the lady on the other side of the noodle
Not a put-down of your frame but you know the real reason I place my hand on the small of your back in public
Sometimes to guide you to a first-class seat
Sometimes to guide you down a flight of stairs
The apple bottom of my eye is rotten sometimes
A worm on the inside, a real pain in the ass, you know
But, but, I love her to the core
Not just when she’s a snack, Apple Slices
Not just when she’s breakfast, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s lunch, Apple Bee’s
Not just when I’m thirsty, Apple Cocktails
Not just when she’s dinner, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s dessert, Apple Pie
When the groceries fresh I don’t need plastic
When they pass the expiration date I double bag it
Let’s eat …

Wordpressident #11

The half-moon is the apostrophe between the Z and the S. The heavy breathing of the monster and skeleton sent the bed-skirt flying upwards, covering my exposed legs. The howling wind came through the opening of the glass like a straw and ripped the sheepskin right off my hide. Sleep is the cousin of death because I woke up sweating bullets hearing “ant ant ant” from my alarm clock. The time was handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs. 3:33. The colon between the numbers were batting it’s eye lashes like it wanted a conjugal visit. I had 13 inches free; my other foot and both my hands were tied up. An imperfect 10 was getting even with me. It’s like the lump transferred from the oddball to the throat how I was engaging in emotional eating. I couldn’t swallow because I knew this She-Devil stuck her forked-tongue in my breakfast in bed. The blood is the only part of the steak the vampire likes. Why does Cupid shoot arrows without good directions attached to it? Because everywhere I go makes me weak in the knees and I keep falling for a head over heels, whose favorite piece of the shoe is the shank. Maybe I wouldn’t be in these situations if my favorite part changed from breast to sole? Skeleton hands wrapped around her ankles and pulled the little closet freak under. The time I copped I spent wisely freeing myself with the 3rd little piggy. Got out the big house and the first thing on my to-do list wasn’t a brick house with wolf pussy.

I want a check sign next to a signed check. Number 2. I wanna walk in the bank like my shit don’t stank. 3:33. I want fuzzy handcuffs slapped on my wrist by Fine M. Banker for not taking off my hat and shades. You see, the hat for the one-eyed-monster I call Mike Wazowski. The shades to block sonny boy and little miss sunshine. But I’ll gladly take off my pants to show you I don’t have a gun in my pocket. But I do keep a pair of red striped white socks stuffed in my pants; Get your mind out the gutter. I know what you’re thinking. “Them there socks make up 9 inches of the 13 inches from earlier.” Yeah, you’re right …. because I was referring to my shoe size, not my penis, genius. And I know what you’re not thinking judging a book by its cover, “He gotta put ‘em somewhere since it’s a fashion faux pas to wear ‘em with Sperrys.” This reminds me of how much you and your girl got in common. My ensemble was the topic of our conversation last night on the phone. She asked, “What you got on?”


Fisherman hat

Navy blue shirt

Anchor print boxers

Dockers

Boat shoes


Translation: Wave goodbye to your relationship.

And nahhhh N word y’all can’t still be ‘endzzzz!

20 Passive Aggressive Things I Will Do When My Boss Goes On His Honeymoon

Sorry for the wait. His car still in the parking lot. He talking to someone on the phone. Text and drive! Wait … he’s backing out! Dammit, he stopped. Another car drove behind him. Okay, he’s in reverse. Dammit. Some old guy walking behind the car. He needs the aid of some sort of standing wheelchair to walk so he’s slow to move. I hope I don’t be like that when I get old. This gonna be a while.

Okay, the coast is clear. He’s … he’s … not in front of the office no more. Let me run to the door and make sure he’s out of the parking lot. Traffic is bad. Fuck! Come on, man, you had that one! What … why is he reversing? Please don’t tell me he’s coming back to the office. Ohhh he’s finding another exit. Let me follow his car out the parking lot. He can’t see me behind this pole, right? I been losing weight. He found another exit, y’all. He’s … he’s outta here.

Big Bossman  won’t be back until Monday afternoon. I have a day and a half to …

  1. I will untuck my fucking shirt! No one can look at my ass now! That’s what the tennis tail is for. No one will see my penis print either! These not fucking 1980’s basketball shorts.
  2. I will take my fucking phone off vibrate. Y’all gone hear my Lana Del Rey ringtone and my Sherwood Forest text tone today muthafucka!
  3. Wear khakis on casual Friday. I ain’t wearing no fucking jeans today! I’m breaking the rules and finishing the week with these Classic Stones baby!
  4. Make the fucking temperature warm. I be freezing! Goosebumps all over my arm and shit! I try not to complain and just wear a jacket. Y’all act like I’m the IRS and trying to audit the  books how y’all got me in this cold ass room shawty!
  5. Turn off this got-damn elevator music, Bob! We got one floor so why am I hearing this shit? I wanna hear how Bankroll Fresh ran off on the plug today.
  6. Park in front of the office. Look! I know we in a suite and we only got two parking spaces. I know these spots for the customers and the employees need to park far away from the building. I know this. But have you seen some of them??? They need the exercise.
  7. Not tell anyone “good morning,” “going to lunch,” and “bye.” Y’all ain’t gotta know where I’m at, at all times. I will come. I will go. That little chime notification that goes off every time the door opens tells you everything you need to know.
  8. Eat a full-course meal at my desk instead of a snack. Fuck them ants!
  9. Not go to the restroom just to fart. Look! I don’t know if it’s the Taco Bell, but I burnt-burnt a lot, and I’m tired of getting up. I hold that shit in too long my stomach start growling. There have been studies that said smelling farts is good for your health. I bullshit you not! I can just lie to you and say my chair was squeaking but then I gotta convince you that smell is coming from the vents. Too much trouble. And no, I won’t stop eating Taco Bell. That AM Crunchwrap steak and Naked Egg Taco bundle fye fye!
  10. Watch something NSFW on company computers. Nah, not porn. That’s for amateurs. I wanna watch videos of what people do with their hands in driverless cars. Like … have sex!
  11. Not talk in my white people voice because they can still tell I’m black. Ain’t that’s why that white lady called me the N word over and over? Why you talking shit 3,000 miles away though? Oh, yeah, okay!
  12. Leave the lights on. Big Bossman, you gone mess up our chances at being part of a skyline one day.
  13. Leave 10 minutes early. I need to beat traffic and customers who like to come in last-minute. Talking about “I just got off work.” Shit, me too!
  14. Not let a non-customer use the restroom. Look! It’s bad enough I gotta deal with y’all leaving piss, shit, and period blood on the toilet seat.
  15. Talk into my desk-fan like a child with at least one customer. Thissssss calllll mayyyyyy beeeee monitoreddddd forrrrr qualityyyyyy controlllllll.
  16. Rub on my nipples when a customer says, “Let me speak with your manager.” Can you say that one more time, just the way you said it, just a little more slowly … and softer. Yes, yes, yasssssssssss bitch!
  17. Spin around in my chair and say wheeeeee.
  18. Walk around like I own the place. Nah, fuck that! Let’s go back to number 17. I don’t wanna walk nowhere. Everywhere I go in the office I’m pulling up in my chair, rolling. That’s why they got wheels, right???
  19. Flirt with pretty customers. If you look good in-person or if you sound good over the phone I’m giving you minimum 22 compliments. I’m shooting my shot like Westbrook! 3 for 22.
  20. Not do any work the last 2 hours and blame it on Comcast.

Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!

Can a bih marry Juana in dis joint?


420 on a foggy Friday day
Can’t see the forest for the tree i hug
Yeah it’s Friday but i’m going to bake
Mary Jane exhaled, “hey, no glove, no love
i don’t want your seeds that sticky icky”
So planted tulips on her rosy cheeks
And i snooped around in my blue Dickies
Fuck TruGreen! i like having grassy weeds
My i’s low no more capital letters
Uppercuts to uppercases wham bam
i got the munchies ultimate cheddar
Catching a red-eye flight to Amsterdam
Going back to Cali for brownie points
Can a bih marry Juana in this joint?

Perhaps …

Not based on true feelings

When you put a pause to what you’re saying I want to help you search for the right word to complete your sentence.

But you accidentally stumbled up-pond why I am an elusive island with the word you left me to work with.

Perhaps, Me? Me? “Don’t have a cow, man” I had to udder to myself after seeing the notification. This what I get for being a simp, son. Turned Coldplay’s yell low so I could hear myself think.

Love and like.

Like and love.

Both begin with L and end in E.

I’m overcompensating for the letters in-between because it reveals the truth, and I’m all too aware of abbreviations and Memphis slang to ignore it.

I know it’s over.

I don’t want it to be but I’m not too shore of the current events. The waves are goodbyes. You can’t travel by relationship from an Artificial Island to a Barrier Island when another pirate already put an “arrr” in your title Ms. I cried a river up-pond realizing “arrr” means a definite yes while “perhaps” means uncertainty.

And quite frankly, that’s the only reason you’re having oceans of trouble breaking the barriers.

It’s definitely not the booties because Passport Bear landed in love with you so hard during your layover any baggage you claim I accept as a carry-on.

I want your island to flourish, but not at the risk of mines going unnoticed because I would still love to sea you come by in your friendship.

I want ’em back (I want ’em back)
The minds we had (the minds we had)
How all the thoughts (how all the thoughts)
Moved ’round our heads (moved ’round our heads)
I want ’em back (I want ’em back)
The minds we had (the minds we had)
It’s not enough to feel the lack
I want ’em back, I want ’em back, I want ’em
You’re the only friend I need
Sharing beds like little kids
Laughing ’til our ribs get tough
But that will never be enough