Tag Archives: stupid criminals

When Students Lying In Grass Is Mistaken For School Shooting

 

 

FADE IN:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – MORNING

*Camera sweeps across college campus showing students sleeping in the grass with their text books open*

PERSON 1 – (on the phone) Then I said Financial Aid?! What am I … poor?! (laughing)

*PERSON 1 turns corner to see the college’s big grassy field teem with horizontal bodies of students. Some groan from just waking up, however, to PERSON 1 it sounds like they are in pain.*

PERSON 1 – (drops phone) (faints)

3 minutes later …

*2 more students, male and female, turn the same corner.*

FEMALE STUDENT – (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!
MALE STUDENT – (eyes widen) What the …
FEMALE STUDENT – Oh my God, I think there was a school shooting. Oh my God, the killer could still be loose on campus. Oh my God, we gotta get out of here!
MALE STUDENT – No! Wait! What if we run into him as we exit? We must not take any chances. We must play dead.

*Both students drop where they stand*

MALE STUDENT – I’m going to call 911 while we’re laying here.
FEMALE STUDENT – Hurry! I don’t want you to be caught with your phone out.
MALE STUDENT – (whispers to 911 dispatcher) We need help. There has been a school shooting at *censored*. Hundreds are dead. Hurry! (disconnects)
FEMALE STUDENT – What if he comes back, walks the field to revel in his destruction and recognizes he didn’t shoot us???
MALE STUDENT – (takes ketchup packet out pocket) Here. Smear this across your shirt.
FEMALE STUDENT – Oh God, no! I just paid …
MALE STUDENT – (kicks her leg)

*They both rub the ketchup all over their shirt*

2 minutes later …

*The camera cuts to the face of a black person. The camera pans down showing his jacket fits unevenly. One side hangs lower than the other, and swings like a pendulum with each step. The style of the jacket is also mismatched with other clothing. The camera 360s around him showing his backpack, revealing he is a student.*

BLACK STUDENT – (turns corner) (eyes widen) Oh my God! There’s been a school massacre? (trembling) (starts running, takes backpack off so it doesn’t slow him down)

*As he gets back in front of the campus, dozens of police cars pull up*

POLICE – (jump out cars, aiming their guns) FREEZE! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW! GET DOWNNNNN!
BLACK STUDENT – NO! WAIT! I’M NOT THE SCHOOL SHOOTER. I’M ONE OF THE STUDENTS. PLEASE DON’T SHOOT!!!!
POLICE – WHERE’S YOUR BACKPACK?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks behind him to see his backpack in the distance, busted open with textbooks on ground) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHAT’S IN YOUR POCKET?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks down at both jacket pockets and sees how one sags lower) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHY YOUR JACKET DON’T MATCH YOUR PANTS, SHIRT, AND SHOES?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (looks down at his clothes and see the colors and design patterns don’t match his jacket) Aww shit!
POLICE – WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY BLACK PERSON THAT GO TO THIS SCHOOL?!?!
BLACK STUDENT – (tilts head to side slightly gesturing he is thinking) (facial expression go from confused look to that of astonishment realizing he is the only black person at the college) (looks up at the sky and screams) SHIT!!!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

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In Fear Of Being Called Gay, The Two Men Who Robbed Another Man Of A Condom At Knifepoint Turn Themselves In To Police

I love you Chris Bosh but this picture is funny as hell lmfaooo. Image via Twitter
I love you Chris Bosh but this picture is funny (not as in gay, of course!) as hell lmfaooo. Image via Twitter

Two men rob man of condom at knifepoint two days after DOMA was ruled unconstitutional? Seems like the queers are just ready to party and couldn’t afford the party supplies! Jazz hands……FABULOUS!

Some men have 20 kids by 12 different women to prove they aren’t. Some men get married over and over AAANNNDDD over to prove they aren’t. No matter how wrong, some men won’t EVER disagree with a woman to prove they aren’t. And finally, some men will turn themselves into police, thus going to jail to prove they aren’t. Wait! Why would you …

The Erie Pennsylvania Police Department received a letter Sunday morning from 2 men claiming to be the ones who robbed another man of a condom at knifepoint. Here’s the gist of the letter:

We will glaadly turn ourselves in! However, we have demands if you want that to happen, which we know you do, because we read an article on MSN Now that said y’all were “hard at work on the case.” Okay. This is what we want. We want the victim to come forward and make a public statement, preferably a viral YouTube video. After the video gets a million views we will glaadly turn ourselves in. In the video, we want the victim to tell the public that the condom was ALL he had in his pockets. That he had no wallet, no cash, no phone, no napkin with some chick’s number, which if he did, we would have stolen it because we like girls. Speaking of which, we will also glaadly give the victim his condom back meaning WE DID NOT USE IT!!!

Working with YouTube, the Erie Police Department put out a 1,397,340 fake-view-count-video with the victim. When the robbers turned themselves in and got thrown in jail, the victim told them he will be putting out a real video on YouTube detailing how he actually had a brand new iPhone on him, credit and debit cards, his social security card, and a whopping $1,800 in cash. Then he said, “What’s really gone hurt their ‘reputation’ is when I tell the people they gave me a different condom back. The one I had was a gold wrapper. They gave me a purple one back! What’s the color purple?”

Built on top of:

What’s the most unusual item stolen from you? But first wait … what IS the color purple?